The Kitchens

Sirius’ world stopped like a punch delivered to the jaw. It was roaring, the fight was on, and then he was down, wind knocked out of him. He slammed the door against Regulus and leaned against it, breathing hard into the humid wood.

Marriage.

Sirius slammed his hand against the wall, the smack of skin against stone echoing through the hallway. He hit it again, and again, needing the sting to combat the pounding in his chest. Blood felt like it was rushing out of his veins, into his being, flooding and choking him. He felt too hot, too breathless, too much.

The wedding.

He’d always known it was coming but now that it was here he felt as if he had never known it was coming at all. Reality is very different from eventuality. He pushed off the wall, feeling drunk with his sorrow, and stumbled, eyes aimless, towards the stairs. He gripped the railing as he walked down, feeling his head start to steady with the now familiar path. He stopped at the kitchen door, just out of sight. Waves of heat coming from the ovens inside brushed his more visible cheek. His breath panted through his parted lips, heart beating too fast for his lungs. He clenched his teeth and tried to breath slowly through his nose, and then forgot all about his breathing all together. Maybe air too.

Because suddenly Remus was there, walking into his small window of view, breathless smile on his face and laughing, hands full of strawberries. Someone was stoking the fire, the loud whooshes of the blower and the crackling flames overtaking most of the sound and conversation, but Sirius was content to watch. The sight brought a awful throbbing up behind his eyes and he squeezed them shut hard for a second before opening then onto the scene that, if he had to define heartache for someone, he’d show them this. He’d show them them. Him and Remus. Happy and doomed. On a very quickly burning wick. One that had felt like they could slow down, or maybe keep relighting, until just now.

He swallowed. He didn’t want that to be true. He couldn’t lose that smile, not yet.

Remus’ hair was curly from the heat, smaller curls sticking to his skin at his temples. He’d gained more freckles from the summer sun and he was tanner too. Sirius’ eyes moved to his neck. It had a slight sheen of sweat and Sirius had to lean his temple against the wall for a moment at the thought of how, just there, at the hollow of his throat, it always smelled so sweet. Like sugar and firewood smoke. He couldn’t lose that, he couldn’t. His hands suddenly felt empty with lack of holding him, and Sirius looked to the loosely tied apron around Remus’ waist, wanting to pull the strings loose and hold him around his hips.

How much longer will I be able to do that?

The thought was enough to deliver the punch all over again and he let the air out of his lungs, as if he really had been hit in the stomach. For a second, he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to breath in again.

“Hey-” Sirius jumped, turning to see James standing there with a hand over his mouth. He put his hands up, looking sheepish, and exaggeratedly tip-toed to Sirius’ other side, out of view of the door, “Shit, sorry. Are we spying on lover boy? How very french of you.”

Sirius definitely couldn’t breathe now. He just stared at his friend, watching him try to get a look at Remus.

“Hm, chopping strawberries. Delicious. Sort of sexy. You know,” he shrugged, “as far as food goes, I suppose.” He craned his neck, “Want me to get mum out of there? I mean, try to. If she’s doing dessert it’s going to be pretty difficult but-“

James took one look at Sirius’ face and stopped talking, smirk melting like chocolate over flames. His brows pulled low, eyes flickering over his face, “Sirius- God, what’s wrong?” James placed a strong hand on his shoulder, “You look like you’re going to pass out.”

Sirius finally dragged his eyes away from James, looking back to Remus, at the way his eyes and nose crinkled as he laughed particularly hard, at the long fingers he pushed through his hair, getting it off his forehead.

“He looks so happy.”

“Well,” James shook his head a little, looking briefly to Remus then back, “Yeah. Of course, he does. You did too a few days ago, I don’t… I don’t understand, what happened?” Then his eyes widened, “Fuck, is this about what I said? Because if it is, Jesus, don’t listen to me. You’re fine, I was just being- I don’t know, my mum. Sirius-“

“It’s not what you said.”

James cut off, swallowing unsurely, “Oh. Okay, then… then what?”

Sirius turned back to him, desperately not wanting to say it, desperately needing his friend to just know. The throbbing was back, along with a lump in his throat, “James…” He felt his voice crack.

James blinked, then blinked again, and then the understanding was there. His hand tightened on Sirius’ shoulder, “Oh god…”
Sirius closed his eyes, turning away.

“God… Sirius.” And then Sirius was being pulled away into what he vaguely registered as some sort of office, and against a chest in a very tight, very welcomed hug. They swayed silently, James fingers sure and solid against the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry.” James’ voice shook a little, and the fact that his grief could bring James so much as well made him want to cry too. Does he bring nobody anything but grief? “I’m so sorry.”

Sirius pulled back and he looks at the darkened spots on the shoulder of James’ shirt numbly. James’ hands were still on his shoulders, steadying him, “When did this happen? At dinner?”

Sirius pressed his palms to his eyes, nodding, “To Bellatrix. To Bellatrix, James.”

By the time he was done telling him, about Bellatrix, about the society, about Regulus, James looked as ready to throw something as he did when he woke Sirius up only to discover he had a fresh black eye.

“Fucking hell… And there’s no getting out of it?”

Sirius shot him a look and James swore again.

“Why did this have to happen now?” Sirius kicked the chair with enough effort to make it wobble, not enough to knock it over. He pushed his hair off his forehead, letting it fall back with a sigh, “When I have everything to lose… I- I can’t even imagine…”

For a fleeting moment, a terrible image of him as king, Bellatrix by his side and Remus, just down stairs, a million miles away filled his head. He felt sick.

James took a seat on the chair he’d kicked, possibly a subtle gesture to keep him from doing it again, and didn’t answer right away. Then, tentatively looking up at him, “Are… Did you come down here to tell him?”

“No.” Sirius said immediately.

James raised an eyebrow, “No?”

Sirius turned away, “No.”

There was a slight pause, “You aren’t going to tell him?” Sirius didn’t answer, “Sirius.”

“I don’t…” Sirius pressed his lips together in frustration, I don't want to, “I don’t know.”

He heard James get to his feet behind him, “Jesus Christ, Sirius-“

He turned, “Not yet.” James took a step back at the bite in his tone but didn’t look surprised. The anger on Sirius’ face melted as soon as it had come, and all he felt was hopeless. He looked at James, desperate for him to understand, “I can’t. I can’t lose him yet. I can’t…”

James hesitated, then nodded, eyes roaming the room as if looking for an explanation, “He’s going to find out though. You know that, sooner or later-“

“I know.” Just not yet.

“Well… Then you’re going to have to pretend like everything’s, fine, normal, whatever it is between you too.”

Sirius sank into the chair that James had occupied and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back in frustration, “No, no, he’s going to know something’s wrong.”

“Not if you-“

“He’ll know.” Sirius cut him off.

James fidgeted, “Oh..kay.” He drew the word out, sighing, “Well.”

Sirius opened his eyes, “Well?”

James shrugged, looking helpless and sorry for it, “Play it by ear.” Then, after a hesitation, “It’d be easier to just tell him.”

Sirius shook his head, “Not now. Please. I’ll- I’ll figure something out.” He wasn’t exactly sure why he was begging. James couldn’t do anything, couldn’t force him. Sirius pressed his palms to his forehead, letting out a shuttering breath.

“Just don’t keep it from him forever. It’ll ruin him and yourself if he finds out the wrong way. You know it will.”

Sirius looked down, turning his head away sharply as if that would send away the images of Remus’ smile falling from his face that filled his mind.

The path to ruin already felt well underway.

~

Remus untied his apron, deliberating whether or not it was too early to sneak up the main staircase to the secret passage way. He’d slept in Sirius’ room four nights now and he already almost couldn’t remember what it felt like not to sleep next to Sirius. Of course, he always had to get up before him, rising with the sun. He usually just settled with pressing a kiss to Sirius’ still sleeping form but, once, Remus had woken up to Sirius’ eyes already on him.

He hadn’t looked like he was thinking, or wondering, or analyzing. He was just smiling, only a little, with his eyes hooded and tired. Once Remus’ eyes opened, fast and awake in a moment as usual, his smile had grown and he had brought his hand to Remus’ cheek. Remus could almost see the way the orange morning sun had softly bathed his face, making his grey eyes a sea-glass-like blue instead of grey. Luminescent and layered, like pools of shallow water. They had just laid there, staring and smiling at each other, letting the sun warm their bare bodies and tangled limbs. No words had been said, not even when Remus left with a kiss to Sirius’ lips, but the feeling was there. The feeling that was so strong, Remus couldn’t even be sure they hadn’t put it into words, in their own way.

As he picked his way through the dark passage way now, the back of the bookshelf-door coming into view, the words played in his head on loop.

He pushed the bookshelf, letting it give away easily to his strength and slipping through the opening. He waits for the hands, for the lips that are usually on him the second he arrives, but they don’t come. He blinks and looks around.

“Sirius?”

“In here!” And then a second later, “Don’t bother bringing your clothing!”

The voice comes from the connected bathroom, echoing a little off the tiles. A thrill shoots up Remus’ spine at what he might find when he walks in there. He slipped his shoes off on his way, biting back a smile. He entered the bathroom a little hesitantly, poking his head through first. He’d never been in this part of Sirius’ chambers before. He had to lean against the wall for a second at what he finds, grin spreading across his face.

Sirius was sat in a steaming, large, ceramic bath, skin gleaming with the moisture, hair curling from it, and grinning lazily. His arms were thrown over the sides, giving Remus a very good view of his broad shoulders and chest, both well muscled. He looked practically golden against the white tiles, traced with smaller green stones. Remus pressed a hand to his chest, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

“Thought I told you not to bring your clothes?” Sirius flicked the water with his fingertips, the tiniest of drops reaching Remus.

Remus raised an eyebrow, hand shifting to pulling at the ties of his shirt, slowly loosening the neck as he walked forward. He wasn’t exactly fond of his body, as it was quite thinner than Sirius’, but the look in Sirius’ eyes as the shirt slipped down one of his shoulders let him know that he was the only one. He felt confidence swell in his chest, “Thought you might enjoy the show instead.”

Sirius’ eyes fluttered a little as he laughed, sinking into the water up to his neck, “Fuck.”

Remus tugged his shirt over his head, letting it fall on top of the pile Sirius had already started. He picked his foot up, stretching his torso back a little to pull his sock off, “Unless you want to help, of course.”

Remus had barely finished his sentence before Sirius was pushing forward, floating a second in the water before he hit the other side, water sloshing dangerously and fingers wrapping around the edge, “God, yes.” His hands were instantly on the buttons of Remus’ trousers, material becoming dark with the wetness on them. He pushed the material down over Remus’ arse, pausing only for a moment to let Remus kick them away before he was nuzzling against Remus’ stomach, “So warm.”

Remus’ breath hitched at how soft his voice was, his breath against his stomach. His fingers automatically went to his hair just as Sirius’ came to wrap loosely around his hips, stroking the backs of his thighs lightly. Despite the heavy steam filling the room, Remus shivered, “Yeah?” He breathed.

“Mm.” Sirius started pressing open-mouthed kisses to Remus’ skin, lips parting to bite gently at his hip bone, “So warm and… God, your taste…”

Remus let his eyes close, his head fall back at the feeling of Sirius so close, holding him. He waits for this all day. This closeness, it never leaves the back of his mind. He tightened his fingers in Sirius’ hair, looking back down to him, watching the way his eyelashes cast shadows on his cheeks. He ran his fingers through the dark, slightly damp strands, pushing them away from his forehead, letting his fingers press into his skin, “Sirius-”

“Let me. I’ve got you..” There was suddenly a note of urgency to Sirius’ voice and Remus felt his fingers dig into the flesh of his thighs, “I’ve got you..”

“I know.” His breathing hitched, voice rising a little in tone, “I know-” And then Remus’ jaw was falling open as, for the first time, Sirius’ took him in his mouth, “God. God, Sirius…”

Sirius’ palms flattened against the small of Remus’ back, running up and down as if he was trying to soak in the heat. He knelt up on the tiled seat beneath the water, and brought one of his hands forward to wrap around the base of Remus’ cock. He took long, slow drags, breathing in through his nose.

Remus’ thighs hit the cool edge of the bath as his knees gave way a little, sinking into the feeling of Sirius’ lips around him, “God…”

Sirius just hummed, causing Remus to jolt and grasp his shoulder, fingers digging into the bone. The feeling suddenly brings him much closer to the edge than before. It was everything, really. The waiting, wanting to see each other. The secret. The heat. Sirius and his glistening skin, on his knees in front of him. The irony of that last part, for the moment at least, was lost on Remus. Sirius’ fingers tightened on the base of Remus’ cock, causing his breaths to come shallowly, his hands to tremble. He looked down again, and when he saw the way one of Sirius’ hands was working on himself, he was gone, letting out a cry and gripping Sirius’ shoulder, “Yes. Yes, Jesus…” His words only seemed to spur Sirius on and he stiffened a moment later, his moan sending jolts of pleasure up Remus’ spine.

As his breathing came down, Sirius pulled off slowly, switching to pressing soft kisses on his hips. His mouth was slow and he seemed to be more simply pressing, feeling, than actual kissing, “You know, I could kiss every inch of you.”

Remus grins sleepily, eyes hooded but bright, hands still in Sirius’ hair, “I don’t think I’d protest.”

His hands are back on Remus’ hips, pulling slightly, urging him into the water with him. Sirius is grinning but his eyes look slightly tight around the edges, “Come here.”

Remus obliged, lifting one thigh, then the other, laughing when Sirius bent to kiss the soft skin between them as he did. When his feet hit the water, he gasped despite himself. He had known it was going to be warm, he’d seen the steam, but it took him by surprise.

Sirius’ brows creased as he looked up at him, seating Remus on the ledge, water coming up just around his calves, “What? What is it, what’s wrong?”

Remus let out a little surprised laugh at the ferocity of Sirius’ concern, “Nothing.” He let the pad of his thumb run briefly across Sirius’ lip, then reached up to smooth his brow, “Nothing’s wrong at all, I just…” He shrugged, a little embarrassed, and let his fingers drag through the water, “It’s hot. It’s not usually hot.”

Sirius’ frown disappeared in understanding and he grinned, pressing up on the step once more so they were chest to chest. His skin was warm, “There’s coals beneath the floor.” He leaned in a nipped gently at the skin below Remus’ ear, “I can have them stoked as long as I’d like… We can be in here… for hours, and hours…”

Remus grinned, throwing his arms around Sirius’ neck as he pulled him into the water. They were pressed together, and Sirius wrapped Remus’ legs around his waist, walking them backwards until they were sat at the far side of the square bath again.

“This-” Remus let his eyes close as Sirius kissed his neck. He can’t remember ever feeling so warm and, as he realized, safe. He’d never felt so safe, “This is more like a small pond than a bath.”

Sirius hesitated for a moment, too busy nosing at the hollow of Remus’ throat. He tried to push away the pangs to his chest that the sweet smell there brought.

“It is this size for the sole purpose so that you can come in here with me.” He felt the slight tension in Remus’ back muscles and moved swiftly to press a long, hard kiss to Remus’ lips, murmuring, “And no one else.”

“Hm.” Remus hummed. He pulled back, only for a second, to see Sirius’ face, “Good.” Then he smiled and kissed him again, letting Sirius’ tongue part his lips and pressing his palms to Sirius’ cheeks, thumbs smoothing over the heated flesh. His hands moved to the back of his neck and he freezes, lips parting in surprise against Sirius’.

“Hm?” Sirius says breathlessly, “What?”

“What’s this?”

Sirius tilts his head a little and then he feels what Remus’ fingers are running over. He swallows, “Oh. I…Oh.”

Remus tilted his neck forward a little, hands running through his hair to push it away and then cursing, “Jesus. Sirius are these- are these from- fingernails?”

Sirius bites his lip but he knows there’s no point in lying. He runs his hands over Remus’ back, but he’s not sure who he’s trying to comfort more, “I- yes. Look, it’s, I don’t know-“

“Don’t say it’s fine.” Remus’ eyes are hard, “It isn’t fine-“

“I know, I know.” Sirius desperately wants Remus to stop looking at him like that. Not when they have so little time. Not now, “It’s just- It’s like her way of reigning me in. Like pulling on a horse’s lead.”

Remus’ hands tighten in his hair, his face going slightly white, “Sirius, do you even hear yourself-“

Sirius feels panic swelling in his chest, and he brings his hands to Remus’ where they are placed on his chest and holds them between his, “Please. Please, Re, I don’t want to talk about this now.” He brings Remus’ knuckles briefly to his lips before releasing them in favor of holding him against him, “Please.”

Remus’ cheeks were flushed and pink in the dim candle light of the bathroom, his eyes worried. He reached out and touched the pink scar on Sirius’ lip, thick and raised from years of being re-opened, then leaned forward and brushed his own against it, “You can’t keep secrets for her. Not this one. Not like this.” He lets their foreheads fall together, “This is not your secret to keep. You don’t have to-“

“I do have to.” Sirius paused, eyes squeezing shut, trying to focus on Remus, his heat, his smell, him, “There are so many things I have to do… Remus…” Tell him Tell him Tell him.

I can’t.

“No, there aren’t.” Remus said it simply, pressing his face into the warmth of Sirius’ neck. Sirius relaxed into the water, leaning back and resting his palm on the back of Remus’ head, holding him there. His cheek rested against his temple, “There aren’t.” Remus said again, softer.

He wanted nothing more than that to be true.

“Let’s not talk about this now.” Sirius said just as quietly. He closed his eyes, feeling Remus’ breath and fingers tracing over the small crescent moon scars on his neck. He felt a flutter and realized it was Remus’ eyelashes, blinking against his shoulder, “I’m okay, Remus. I am.”

“I know.” Remus’ voice was slightly muffled against his skin, “Just… I don’t like that you think they have this much control over you.”

Sirius trailed his fingers down the nobs of Remus’ spine, feeling, memorizing, “I was born into this life.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to live this life.” Remus lifted his head, brow creased, “It’s your life.” Remus watched Sirius’ face for a moment, tilting his head a little, “You don’t believe me.”

Sirius sighed, “It isn’t about belief-“

“Yes, it is.” Remus cut him off, “Sirius,” he licked his lips, gathering his thoughts, “You started believing, somewhere down the line, that it was okay for your mother to do this to you. It isn’t. You believe that your life course is set. It isn’t. I mean, God, shouldn’t the fact that we’re sitting here talking—bathing—together right now be enough to prove to you that courses change? Paths change, life, beliefs change?” When Sirius just looked at him, something unreadable in his expression, Remus pressed on, “When we first met you were so, so rude. You thought you were above and I was below. Do you believe that now?”

“No.” Sirius said immediately, “No, of course not-“

“See?” Remus’ fingers wound themselves through Sirius’ hair, suddenly feeling desperate. He wasn’t talking about Sirius’ mother anymore, no matter how important it was. He was talking about them, about himself.

Believe in me. Believe in us. Don’t leavedon’tleavedon’tleave don’t leave me.

“See, you changed. You changed your beliefs about me. You can do it again.” He pressed a soft kiss to Sirius’ mouth, “Sirius, you don’t deserve this torture. You don’t deserve to be hurt, or to be ‘reigned in.’” Remus whipped wetness from Sirius cheek and Sirius blinked a few times, like he hadn’t realized it was there, “You deserve the world, no matter how big or small it is—I have no idea—but you deserve it. Look what you grew up in and look how you are.” Remus’ voice cracked, “You’re good. God, you’re so good… You deserve to choose.”

Sirius’ cheeks were streaked now, eyes brimmed with tears, “I don’t know how. What if it’s too late, I don’t know how-”

Remus pressed his forehead to Sirius’, “Yes, you do. You do, Sirius-“

“Remus…”

Remus stopped talking at the note in Sirius’ voice. He thinks he might have stopped breathing too. He’d never seen Sirius cry, not like this. He’d never seen him look so… hopeless. He just looked hopeless. His hands were on his cheeks in a moment, hating the way Sirius seemed to crumple against them. His tears fell into the hot water just as fast as Remus could wipe them away. Sirius pulled at Remus’ hands, turning away, causing panic to swell in Remus’ chest, “Sirius- Hey. Hey, it’s okay, love-“

“No.” Sirius voice caught, but at least he was looking at Remus again. His eyes were wild, and Remus didn’t know what was more present there, tears or fear, “No, it isn’t… It isn’t.” His voice had dropped to a whisper, and he pulled Remus against him, causing the water to ripple out around them. His fingers dug into Remus’ ribs, “It isn’t okay.”

Remus’ fingers were shaking now, on the verge of tears himself, “Shh. Please, shh…” He pushed the hair back from Sirius’ forehead, “Okay, don’t think about it now. It’s just us here. None of that, none of them..” He put his lips shakily to Sirius’, soft presses, “You’re okay, you’re okay.”

Sirius nodded, tilting his chin up into the kisses, “Re..”

Remus cupped his face, palms on his neck, thumbs on his cheeks, “I know. I’m sorry, I pushed too hard, I’m sorry… You’re okay-“

“No. No, that isn’t-“ His voice choked off, “That isn’t what…” Sirius let out a shuddering breath, “God, I can’t fucking breathe.”

“Don’t say that.” Remus whispered. He couldn’t seem to still his hands, comforting, feeling, needing Sirius to know he was there, “I’m- What can I do?”

For a few moments, there was only the soft sound of the water against the sides of the bath, and of their breathing. Ripples appeared on the surface of the water when Sirius reached up, cupping the back of Remus’ neck. He shook his head a little, leaning into Remus’ palm.

Tell him tell him tell him.

I can’t.

“Don’t leave. Just don’t leave.”

~

They threw Sirius’ windows open, dragging the large, soft sofa in front of them and letting the warm night air dry their bare skin. They were a tangle of limbs and calming breath, passing the time with kisses and soft touches; Remus’ to dry Sirius’ tears, Sirius’ to memorize, re-memorize, and cherish.

Remus was draped over Sirius’ body, skin against skin, hands in his hair and mouth parting his with slow, long kisses. Sirius’ lips were pliable against his own, letting Remus taste every inch of him. Every once in a while, he’d feel Sirius smile into the kisses, and his heart felt a little lighter each time.

“‘m here.” He said again. He’d been repeating the phrase every few minutes for the last half hour, and he wasn’t prepared to stop any time soon.

Sirius smiled a small smile again, “I believe you.” His voice was still a little thick from crying, eyes puffy, but it only made Remus want to kiss him again. He leaned in again only to find his way blocked by a thumb pressing into his bottom lip. He sent Sirius a questioning look and was rewarded with another soft grin, a little nervous this time, “I… I have something for you.”

Remus raised his eyebrows, then bit softly at Sirius’ thumb, making him crinkle his nose a little but smile, “For me?”

“Mhm.” Sirius nudge his nose against Remus’, “You’ll have to let me up a moment though. To fetch it.”

“Well then.” Remus attempted to make himself as heavy as possibly, dropping his head into Sirius’ neck, “I don’t know if I want it if it means giving this up.”
Sirius laughed, sniffling, but Remus grinned as he felt the rumble in his chest, “It’ll be a moment only. Please? Here,” Remus felt a hand press against his back, keeping him in place while Sirius leant up, snagging a blanket from the far end of the sofa and dragging it loosely over Remus’ body, “To keep you warm while I’m away, yeah?”

Remus sighed dramatically, biting gently at Sirius’ neck in protest before rolling off him, throwing his arm over his eyes, “You take me in the bath and then leave me. How typical.”

He heard Sirius laugh, cough a little, and pad across the room. He heard a drawer open and close, and it was only seconds later before a heavy weight was back on his chest, causing him to choke out a laugh and blink against the flickering candle light, “Jesus.” Sirius’ face hovered above him, thighs straddling his hips. Remus rubbed his hands up his sides, “Back so soon?”

“With gifts.”

Remus pressed his hands to the warmth of Sirius’ back, feeling the hard muscles there, “I don’t need gifts.”

“You get them anyway.” Sirius sat up, perching himself on Remus’ hips. Remus tried not to think to hard about the fact that the only thing separating them was a very thin blanket. Sirius held out two fists, “Pick a hand.”

Remus grinned, hands inching up Sirius’ thighs, “Can’t I pick something else?”

A flush appeared on Sirius’ neck, cheeks heating with arousal, and he smiled down at Remus, subtly admiring the way his hair was splayed against the pillows, “After, be my guest.”

Remus hummed, satisfied, and looked between the two, “Okay… That one.”

Sirius hesitated, then the corners of his mouth turned down in the way they did when he was trying not to smile, “Um. Pick again.”

Remus snorted, then pointed to the other, “That one, then.”

Sirius grinned, “Right, now close your eyes.”

Remus groaned, “You take an awful long time to give presents.” He mumbled.

“Oh, hush.”

Remus flicked his hands in surrender and closed his eyes.

For a moment he felt no movement, just the breeze coming in from the window. Then there were fingers trailing on his cheek, his neck, his chest.

“Please tell me I’ve said how gorgeous you are.”

Remus smiled, the candles creating soft oranges and pinks through his eyelids, “You have.”

The fingers trailed down his arm to his hand, catching his fingers, “Remind me to tell you more often then.” Then, something cool pressed around one finger and Remus’ eyes flew open, falling instantly to the small golden band that now adorned his hand.

He pushed himself up, only just catching Sirius from sliding off his lap, hand clutching his hip, “Sirius…”

“It’s not all the trouble you’re thinking of right now. It, um. Well, it was mine. Only I think it’s kind of stupid to wear your own initial around but…” Sirius took a large breath, “But I thought… maybe you’d…”

Remus blinked and, looking closer, he saw that there was indeed a small, delicate SB inscribed on the ring. The air in his lungs suddenly felt all too slight. He adored it automatically.

“I mean, I know you can’t actually wear it with, you know, work and- well, the fact that this is… what it is but… knowing you’ll have it… I’d like that.” Sirius huffed, fiddling with Remus’ fingers, “I just know it’s hard to see each other sometimes.” Then, quieter, “I just want you to know…” Remus looked away from the ring to Sirius’ face. His eyes were fixed on their hands, eyelashes long and lip between his teeth, “Remus, I think of you always.” He looked up, brows drawn together, “And nothing will change that. No matter what.” He swallowed, shaking his head, “Not ever.”

He was kissing Sirius before his brain caught up. And the thought was in the back of his mind, the melancholy, the need to memorize this moment for later. For after. And the words were there too. The words that felt like they had been said so many times. And the feeling, so overpowering that Remus felt dizzy. He wanted to say it, he needed to say it… But what happened then? This ring, these promises… what then? When the spell broke and reality set it. Remus kissed Sirius harder, pressing him back against the pillows, feeling the cool metal of his promise around his finger, pushing the thoughts away.

Love was a very real thing, a very permanent thing. Love broke down walls. And Remus wanted so badly to leave himself unprotected.

~

Sirius was late to dinner the next night. He’d spent almost the entire day sleeping or eating, as Remus had made clear that he would be taken to the doghouse by Ms. Potter if he was late to any more meal preps. He was right, really. They were slipping. They had to spread out their visits, not let anyone catch suspicion. And it killed Sirius, but Remus was right.

He’d overslept and was trying desperately to fix his hair as he walked in, only to freeze. There, filling the usually empty seats, was the Lestrange family. Ice had replaced the air in the room.

“Nice of you to finally join us, Sirius.” Duchess Lestrange smiled at him, thin lipped and rigid.

He glanced at his mother who was already twisting her ring around her finger, as if preparing, eager to slice it against his cheek once more.

“My apologies.” His voice came out stronger than he’d expected and he was grateful for that. Remus’ voice played in his head. You don’t deserve this.

He began to move around the table, to sit beside Regulus, when the duchess motioned for one of the servants.

“Boy, pull this chair for him.”

Sirius kept his eyes down, already knowing who that chair would be next to. He stiffened and sat without a word, ignoring Bellatrix’s eyes on him to his left, his mother’s to his right.

“Good.” His mother said, “Now that we’re all present we can discuss business.”

Sirius straightened, “No need to stall on my account.” He grumbled.

“Quiet.” His mother snapped. She turned to the duchess and Sirius promptly tuned out. He tried to focus on what would come after dinner. Remus would appear through the bookshelf and, for a time, everything would be alright.

He ignored the bread basket being offered to him from a servant to his right. Remus would be there. Perhaps he’d draw them another bath. He’d ruined that last one, or almost did at least. He’d lied away for what felt like hours after Remus fell asleep, angry with himself. He’d wasted so much of the night, the night that could be one of their lasts.

Sirius huffed, closing his eyes briefly. When he opened them again his brother was staring at him, and, strangely enough, the bread basket was still there. He leaned away a little, as the basket was being pushed rather insistently into his face. He rolled his eyes, ready to wave his hand and snap at the waiter that he obviously did not want bread.

Only it wasn’t just bread that surrounded the basket. A glint caught his eye and set his brain in motion. Sirius’ breath caught. He noticed the long fingers first. The familiar chip in the thumbnail that had yet to grow back, the pink grease scars that littered the back of the palms. And a ring. A ring with a small SB carved faintly into the band. Sirius swallowed, an uncomfortable mix of dread and elation filling his chest. He glanced up, taking a roll at the same time, needing an excuse to be staring at a servant.

Remus stared back at him, dressed in a uniform that looked to big for him. To anyone else at the table, his face would have appeared blank. But Sirius could see the delight in his eyes. Remus’ mouth curved upwards, just a little. Sirius wanted so badly to smile back. Any other night this would have been the best of surprises, having Remus here at dinner with him, just beside him. He would have made a game of brushing their hands together, of making eye contact across the room and rolling his eyes at what his mother was saying, trying to make him laugh. Any other night. Sirius felt his face pale and a crease appeared between Remus’ brow when he, no doubt, noticed how white Sirius had just gone. How he was in no way smiling back at him.

Sirius turned sharply in his seat, away, causing his water glass to rattle, breathing hard.

No. No, you can’t be here. Not nownotnownotnow. Why was he here?

Sirius looked around for James and didn’t see him. A replacement then.

“Oh, do try to sit still, Sirius.” His mother snarled, “For God’s sake, you’re not a child anymore.”

The table went strangely silent as they waited for Sirius to bite back and, when he didn’t, the conversation resumed too slowly. Sirius looked up then, glancing at each person, making sure they hadn’t noticed his small panic. Most were preoccupied with each other or food. Bellatrix seemed to be trying to shove an entire slab of butter onto her bread. His mother and aunt were in quiet conversation. Regulus…

Sirius’ stiffened, what little bread he had taken turning to ash in his mouth.

Regulus was staring right at him, his own roll in hand. Remus was to his left, moving on to the next guest. Regulus’ face was neutral, but the roll in his hand was nearly crushed. Sirius straightened and looked away.

“It’s certainly a fine plan, is it not?”

The duchess nodded once, back straight as a steel rod, “It will certainly bring in a generous sum. You have your younger, to thank for that.”

Regulus inclined his head stiffly, “I would do whatever it takes to keep the crown in power and at peace.”

His mother raised her glass at him, “A marriage is a fine solution to both necessities.”

And that was it. It was out.

Sirius felt sick. Sweat dripped down his spine. He saw Remus look up from where he was now standing against the wall, hands respectfully behind his back, waiting to be of service. Sirius couldn’t look at him. Instead, he trained his eyes on his mother, silently begging, willing her to change the topic of conversation. It was no use.

“Now, Sirius, Bella, I feel I must ask your opinion on dates. A summer wedding would possible, if not a little rushed-“

“I don’t want to get married when it’s cold.” Bellatrix wined, “I want a summer gown.”

The two women laughed and Sirius winced, keeping his eyes firmly on his plate. He held his hand over his glass, preventing the servant from serving him more wine.

“Well, it’s settled then. Sirius, I assume you want nothing to do with such… trivial matters.”

“Yes.” Sirius looked up at the venom in his mother’s tone, “All he has to do is show up.”

Her eyes bore into him. They said what she didn’t have to. And you will show up.

There was a sudden clatter, making everyone jump. Everyone except Sirius, who wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to move again. Sirius eyes went instantly to the now empty place Remus had been, and then to the source of the noise. Remus stood there, wine bottle in hand, face white and expression shocked, blank.

The Queen stood up, whipping her napkin down, “You fool!”

“I-“ Remus’ voice barely came out and Sirius heart ached. Their eyes met across the room, for just a moment, but Sirius tried to cram every single word that he couldn’t say into that look.

I’m sorry. You weren’t meant to find out like this. I’m sorryI’msorryI’msorry-

“Your Highness, my apologies, I… I- I stand in for another today-“

“And are clearly not up to the task.” The Queen bit back, falling restlessly back into her seat, “I shall have a word with Ms. Potter. Clean this up.”

Remus was out of the room in a second, fingers shaking on the handles of the servant’s door.

Sirius couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even remember a time when there had been air in his lungs. He felt as though he were falling apart. Or was it that he was being ripped, piece by piece. He stood, seeing stars.

“Sirius. Sirius, sit this instant.” His mother sounded as though she were speaking through a layer of cotton in his ears.

Regulus was looking at him again, and his firm, dark eyes were the last thing Sirius saw before he fled the room, big, oak doors banging shut behind him.