The Kitchens

Remus hardly ate the servant’s dinner, even food felt irrelevant against what he had to look forward to in just a few hours. He tore his bread into smaller and smaller pieces, dipping it into his soup until it was little more than falling apart pulp sinking to the bottom of his bowl, untouched.

James fell into the chair next to him quite suddenly, making Remus jump.

“Sorry, sorry,” James shot him a sheepish smile. He practically inhaled half his soup before speaking again, “Just tired, didn’t mean to startle you.”

Remus shrugged, settling back into his chair and dropping a crust into his soup. The bread was soaking up more of it than he was by half, “’s’okay. Sirius had you up to something, did he? Or your mum?”

James shoved some bread in his mouth, “‘irius.” He swallowed thickly and took another spoonful of soup, calmer this time, “Y’know the ball? First blooms, true love, all that? How your suppose to give a girl flowers?”

Remus’ appetite vanished completely at the mention of Sirius and ‘giving a girl flowers’ in the same conversation, “Oh.” He actually did take some soup, just for something to do, and nodded, “Yeah.”

James let out a breath, shaking his head slightly, “Well, he’s got someone in mind. Jesus, I don’t know how I could’ve missed it. I mean, whoever she is, judging by the fucking effort he- well, I went through, she must be important to him. Whoever she is. He wouldn’t bloody let on.” James added the last part in a bitter mumble.

Remus only nodded some more, heart slowly sinking in his chest, “He- He’s got plans then? For this girl, I mean.”

James laughed, “I’d hope so. I wouldn’t like to have gone around picking a million flowers to bring all the way to the fucking West parlor for nothing, now would I?”

Remus’ heart stuttered, froze, then seemed to leap back into its rightful place to pound against his ribs.

Oh.

Remus nearly knocked his bowl over, then gripped the edges, trying to steady himself.

Flowers. The West parlor.

That’s for you. It’s for you.

“No.” Remus took a larger spoonful, and some bread, hoping to mask a smile, “No, you wouldn’t.”

~

Remus felt like he was walking almost carefully over the preciously polished stones of the Black Castle. He looked down, watching his feet, then behind him, as if his shoes were tracking a visible trail of dust for someone to discover. But the halls were deserted. He was accompanied only by the distant sounds of the dance going on. Remus stopped a few window panes away from the parlor door, letting out a breath and gripping the stone sill. He could smell the thick scent of beeswax even from out here, and figured Sirius must have at least a dozen candles burning to make the scent so strong. The thought made his cheeks heat. Flowers, James had said. And now candles. Remus let out a breath, smiling to himself. He hoped Sirius knew he was a romantic. If not, Remus would be sure to let him know.

He pressed his wrists to the window, trying to cool his body, heated with nerves, and, still, hesitated. Sirius was waiting just inside. He should go in. He wanted to go in. He didn’t want—he didn’t choose—to give his mind so much time to feel guilty, or nervous, or whatever this emotion was. He didn’t want Mrs. Potter’s words ringing around in his head.

The past can be a tempting thing.

Would this be one of those dangerous memories she had warned against? Would he one day be so desperate for this moment that it would ruin him?

Remus thought he knew the answer.

He wasn’t sure he cared.

He knocked on the door softly, not sure why, and Sirius’ voice came from within almost instantly, sounding warm and excited even through the dark wood. When he pushed the door open, he might as well have stepped into a different world. He had been right, and James definitely hadn’t been exaggerating. Dozens of flowers, most of them wild ones that he recognized from around the grounds, littered the room, their petals randomly scattered around the floor. Candles dotted the empty spaces between, turning the closest buds to gold, and bathing the room in a warm light. And Sirius.

Sirius.

With his impeccable, ingrained posture not at all matching the nervous way he was biting his lip, Sirius stood in the middle of it all, clad in a deep plum overcoat, the material looking light and airy for a summer’s night, the leather shoulders making him look even broader. The lace up white linen shirt only just peaked out from beneath the leather ties of the front. He looked just as golden as the light, hair messy and falling into his eyes.

Royal.

Remus breathed out shakily closing the door without looking away and leaned against it. He definitely knew his answer now. What a memory this would make.

“You look dressed for a ball.”

Sirius grinned, hands in the pockets of his dark trousers, “What ball?”

Remus narrowed his eyes, pressing back a smile, “Your ball. Isn’t there some girl you should be entertaining?”

At this Sirius raised an eyebrow, withdrawing his hands and striding forward until he could press his palms flat against the wood of the door on either side of Remus’ head, “What ball?” He said again, then, pitching his voice lower, “I’m here with you.”

Remus smiled back at this. He wanted to reach out and touch Sirius, only he didn’t look quite real right then, standing there wreathed in flowers, haloed in light.

This boy is unattainable.

Remus swallowed, “That’s a lot of flowers.”

Sirius glanced back, eyes flickering around the room for a moment before they fell back down to Remus’, “Well. You’re an important person.”

“Am I?”

Remus felt the way Sirius’ chest rose and fell with his breath, “Hm,” he agreed, “You are.”

This is all for you.

“James, he-“

“Doesn’t know.” Sirius said quickly, then tilted his head, “How did you…”

Remus raised an eyebrow, “You forget we practically live together.”

Sirius drew a breath, nodding in understanding, but his head was still tilted, he still looked uncomfortable.

Remus reached out slowly, eyes flickering downward to follow his hand for only a second as his fingers brushed along the hem of Sirius’ shirt, holding it softly between his thumb and forefinger, “What is it?”

Sirius’ eyes, which had strayed and unfocused, flicked back to Remus’, “What?”

“You have that face on. The one when something’s bothering you.”

Sirius’ eyes softened considerably, mouth opening slightly, “I… I have a face?”

Remus nodded a little, small smile creeping over his lips, “Yes. Your eyes go all dreamy and that little crease appears just..” Remus reached upwards with his thumb, attempting to smooth away the line between Sirius’ eyebrows, “there.”

Sirius’ brows only furrowed deeper and he leaned in a little more, “You’re very observant.”

“I hope that’s a complement.” Remus laughed.

Sirius shook his head, smiling a little as well, “No, it is, it’s just… No one’s ever… noticed…” He trailed off again and again, and then shook his head some more, “It’s nothing, really, I’m just… I don’t usually lie to James.”

Remus was a little stuck on the previous part of the statement, the part that tore at his heart a bit, but he nodded. He supposed he was still coming to terms with just how close Sirius and James actually were. Before learning of them, he’d always known servant-to-household relationships to be civil at best, but in most cases not all together pleasant.

Then again, it might be hypocritical to speak like that now, given the current position he was in. He felt the heat of Sirius’ body around him and smiled. Literally the position he was in.

“What?” Sirius laughed.

“Nothing. Maybe you won’t have to lie to him forever.”

Sirius nodded.

Remus nodded.

They both didn’t believe it.

Sirius snapped out of it first, “Never mind that now. This isn’t about James, or me. This,” Sirius took a step back, hands sliding down to catch Remus’ in the same motion and pulling him with him, “is all for you.”

Remus’ heart caught. He had already known, but to hear Sirius say it…

Then suddenly he was against Sirius’ chest again, foreheads nearly together, strong arms wrapped securely around his waist, “You like it, don’t you?”

Remus smiled, relishing in the way Sirius’ nose bumped against his own, and nodded. God, now that he was here, encircled in these arms again, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to stop touching Sirius.

“I didn’t know what you’d like, is all.” Sirius rambled, “You don’t seem like a rose person. Really, any flower my mum had just didn’t… it wasn’t right. These are from the castle grounds, James he—well, I made him get them. I’d do it myself but, you know, prying eyes and all. Didn’t want the entire castle knowing I was thinking of someone for first bloom. I don’t even want to know all the questions that would come along with that-“

“Sirius.” Remus said softly.

“I know I’m talking, I just want to make sure you like it-“

“Sirius.” Remus pressed his hand to Sirius’ cheek, carefully avoiding the still fresh cut there, trying to sooth the worry from his eyes. He pressed up, embarrassingly, on his toes to press a soft kiss to his mouth, “It’s wonderful, I like it… I like you.”

Sirius stood there for a moment, lips parted as if hoping for another kiss, and then smiled, “Yeah?”

And Remus let himself go a little, that soft smile he was receiving softening his resolve, and wound his arms around Sirius’ neck, “Yeah.”

Sirius wet his lips, tongue only just peaking out, and then his palms were spanning Remus’ back, flattening out and pressing him forward almost urgently. Remus felt heat prickle beneath his skin, “God…”

“I don’t…” Sirius let out a frustrated sound, “I don’t have all night. I have to make some appearance, I-“ Remus felt Sirius’ chest rising slightly faster against his own, “God, this is torture.”

Remus inhaled sharply, caught between Sirius’ words and the feeling of his mouth that was now mouthing lightly against his jaw just beneath his ear, “We- We have some time, don’t we? No one’s- fuck-” Remus was practically arched against Sirius’ chest now he was being held so tightly. He never wanted Sirius to pull away, “no one’s going to walk in here, are they?”

Sirius’ breath was hot on Remus’ lips when he pulled back, just enough to press their foreheads together once again. The air in the room seemed suspended for a brief moment, and all that was left was them.

“Not a soul.” Sirius breathed, and then he was locking their mouths together, knocking the air from Remus’ lungs.

How odd it was, standing in that room and thinking that, what was it, just a week ago? Two? A blimp of time in a life, a small collection of hours and minutes and seconds ago, Remus had not even known Sirius. He had stood up from the fireplace in this room and turned around to see a sleep deprived prince standing there, rude and entitled. Mere days passed, filled with not all together perfect exchanges, but also filled with giving and receiving secrets that had never been told. And now he was kissing that prince. Now he was kissing him and he never wanted to kiss or be kissed by anyone else. It was the stuff of stories. Such a short amount of time to acquire so many feelings. Trust, being one. Respect. Lust.

How much time did they have? How much more of himself would Remus be able to give to Sirius? How much would Sirius be able to give in return?

Now, with hands holding cheeks, gripping hair, being backed up until Remus’ knees hit the couch and they fell, messily together, Remus could feel the unspoken flow of all these things between them, waiting, and there.

They were like an undercurrent of energy, powerful but not tangible. Remus suddenly needed to feel so much closer, to be more connected, as if holding on to something, anything, would make this last. His hands flew to Sirius clothing, the material rich, the leather ties sturdy but giving away easily to his fingertips. He pulled and unknotted, never breaking their kiss, until the garment fell open and he could reach down, tucking under the soft linen of Sirius’ shirt and pressing his hands to the heated skin beneath, feeling each muscle and rib. Sirius was gasping into his mouth, and fell from the support of his hands to his forearms, bringing them closer.

“Remus…” The word sounded broken, blurred by the lack of space Sirius was willing to put between them to say it properly, and pleading. It made Remus feel like he couldn’t breathe.

It was all so new. It was what he’d stopped himself from for so long, told himself again and again, not allowed not allowed not allowed. And suddenly it was. Suddenly he had a boy’s body against his own, kissing him back with just as much need as he had, saying his name at the feeling of his touch.

Sirius suddenly drew himself up a little, shifting until his thigh was settled comfortably between Remus’. And then he was pressing down with a firm, relentless pressure that had stars sparking at the edges of Remus’ vision. He broke the kiss for only the pure need of air, eyes squeezing shut and head falling back as Sirius rocked against him gently, the rough fabric of their pants the only thing barring the heated friction. With his neck newly exposed, Sirius attacked, sucking at the thin skin, pressing kiss after kiss. Remus felt his hand clutch his hip, thumb rubbing softly underneath his shirt.

“Christ… Jesus fucking…” Sirius panted against his throat, hips bucking forward, and his hand suddenly at the small of Remus’ back, pressing him upwards as Remus clutched him tighter, one leg hooking around Sirius’ of its own accord.

“Sirius-“ He was gasping, nearly rendered speechless at the sheer speed at which blood was flowing straight to his groin. He felt him press a few kisses to his collar bone, relishing in the way Sirius was nudging the fabric of his shirt away. He felt the lace up at the front loosen considerably and fall away, and swore he felt the scrape of teeth.

“Fuck-“ Remus groaned, “Fuck, did you just…”

“Hands are a little busy,” Sirius let out a breathless laugh, then promptly nuzzled Remus’ chest, pressing wet open-mouthed kisses there, “God. God, you’re gorgeous…”

“Sirius…” Remus practically moaned it, hands moving to press at Sirius’ lower back, bringing their hips tighter together. Then he really did moan, bucking his hips up to match Sirius’ thrusts downward, “Oh god, I need…”

“Tell me.” Sirius said lowly, “Tell me, Remus. Anything. You can have anything-“

A knock on the door sounded loudly in the room.

Remus had never stilled faster in his light, blood running cold, heart picking up for an entirely different reason. Sirius, on the other hand groaned in desperation, letting almost his entire weight pleasantly fall on Remus and buried his face in the crook of Remus’ neck, mumbling what sounded like no a few times.

“Sirius.” Remus’ swallowed down the panic in his voice, “Who… Who is-“

“It’s James.” Sirius said, voice muffled by Remus’ skin, the warmth of it making Remus shiver, “It’s just James, he won’t come in. I told him to knock when my mum finally noticed… God, fuck. I fucking hate…” He didn’t finish, just let out a long breath and pressed another long kiss to Remus’ heated skin, “I’m sorry.”

Another, slightly louder, knock sounded.

“Yes, I’m coming!” Sirius growled.

Sirius lifted his head to look at Remus, and Remus nearly forgot anyone was at the door at all, much less cared. Because Sirius’ cheeks were flushed a deep pink, looking lovely and dark against his tanned skin. His lips were swollen from kissing, hair messy from Remus’ fingers. With his blown pupils and clothes hanging half off of him, Remus felt his pants tighten further if it was possible, cock giving a slightly desperate twitch. He felt Sirius’ hips respond with a soft press.

Remus groaned softly, withdrawing his hands from Sirius’ shirt and pressing them to his cheeks instead, bringing their mouths together again, kissing him hard and taking his time about it.

“Stay.” He said in between, “God, stay.”

Sirius’ brow creased and he kissed Remus harder, as if trying to imprint the feeling onto his skin.

They both knew he couldn’t. After a few more seconds, Remus released him and helped him tie up his shirt properly while Sirius stood there looking miserable, and pressing kisses to various parts of Remus’ forehead and temples.

When they were both properly dressed and after many painful trouser adjustments, Sirius pulled Remus back to him, “You won’t leave my mind for a moment tonight.” He said softly, fingers splayed on Remus’ cheek, reaching into the feathery hair by his ear. His smile grew slightly more mischievous, but his eyes were honest, “You… You do know what giving someone flowers means tonight, don’t you?”

Remus just kissed him, too overwhelmed for words.

I know.

Sirius backed him up, kissing him in short, desperate bursts until they were in front of the door. He pulled back, positioning Remus where he was safely hidden behind it, and with a last touch, a last look, he opened it and was gone. Remus heard a short snippet of James apologizing and Sirius sighing, and then the door closed.

Remus blew out the candles slowly, one by one, then opened the window to let the smoke waft out and the warm night breeze in. It was only under the safe cover of darkness and the moon that he put a chair in front of the door, laid back on the couch, and pressed a hand around himself, already living desperately for the memory that was not even ten minutes over.