“I’m in love with her.”
Namtan said, throwing herself down at the bed, arms up and legs dangling towards the floor. Milk turned slightly, not really paying too much attention.
“Who’s the one this time?” Her disinterest had a good reason: Namtan was always in love with someone- the thing is those loves used to last for just about two weeks.
“Film.” She said, hiding her face inside her hands. That confession was enough to make Milk drop the kindle she had been reading on and turn her body completely to her friend.
“Where the hell did that come from?” She furrowed her eyebrows, an expression between confused and annoyed. “You do mean Film from our friend group, right?”
Namtan sat up, somehow actually looking flushed, and nodded. Milk rolled her eyes and pushed the girl back down to the bed.
“Be serious for a day in your life, please.” She shook her head. Namtan sat back up, sliding closer to Milk.
“Dude, I am serious.” She unlocked her phone, showing a picture of Film. “She’s just… way too beautiful!”
“I know that.” Milk shrugged. “I think we all do. Film’s beautiful, we tell her that almost everyday.”
Namtan pouted and opened Film’s instagram profile, scrolling through photos. She let out a sigh that sounded indeed as a girl in love.
“I know we’ve all known this for years… but I don’t know, now it’s hitting harder for me.” She sighed again, tilting her phone to show Milk a picture of Film smiling, her dimples showing, while she held a panda plushie. Milk had seen that before- they all had. Just like they had all seen every other picture of each other that was in social media.
“Namtan…” Milk was starting to get a little worried. Namtan used to always fall for girls and spend a couple of weeks running after them, flirting like a machine, making all of their stupid wishes true. But it had never happened with a friend of theirs. “Stop it now. You know we’ve all been friends for like six years so far.”
“You think I don’t know that?” She threw her phone at the mattress. “I’m annoyed at it. But Milk, seriously, she sent that audio message yesterday and I felt like I was hearing an angel. And you know I don’t usually like accents… but hers? It’s perfect. And her voice? It’s my favourite sound in the world right now.” Her smile was goofy, and her eyes drifted somewhere else- definitely not the same room Milk was in.
“Girl, get a hold.” Milk snapped her fingers in front of her friend. “You don’t even know if she likes girls.”
“Don’t you think that’s weird?” Namtan’s face turned a little more serious. “We’ve all been friends for years, and even though we talk about everything, she never mentions who or what she likes.”
“Yes. Because Film is really reserved about this subject. And that’s exactly why you can’t start aggressively flirting with her.” Milk pointed a finger, trying to look a bit intimidating. Which didn’t work, and Namtan shoved her hand away.
“I don’t even know how to aggressively flirt with someone who lives like a thousand kilometers away from me.”
“The way you are? I’m sure you do.” Milk pushed Namtan away and leaned back with her kindle, trying to read again.
Namtan was left sitting on the bed, once again scrolling through Film’s photos. She knew Milk was right, Film was really shy and reserved about that. She knew Film was kind of traumatized with the only relationship she had ever talked about- and it was only like once in all of their years of friendship. Somehow, the girl thought she was ugly or something, while she was literally the prettiest girl Namtan had ever seen. The thing was, she had always thought that. Everytime Film sent a picture of her on the group chat or posted something new, Namtan was there to comment on how pretty she looked or how stylish her outfit was. It had been like that for five or six years, friendly telling Film she looked like a princess or some other character in a studio ghibli movie.
But now something had shifted for Namtan. She wasn’t sure when that happened, but ever since a few weeks ago she started feeling different whenever she talked to Film. It could be in the groupchat, on DMs, commenting on each other’s stories and pictures on instagram. Every little contact with Film made her heart flutter and her stomach fill with butterflies. She knew she had a reputation, and even her friends used to joke about that over and over again. So it was weird to be crushing on Film. Film, who had seen Namtan pass from girl to girl over the last years; Film who had cursed every girlfriend who broke her heart; Film who had seen her say and do the most stupid shit with no filter. That girl was someone who knew everything about her, and she also knew Film like the back of her hand by now. It didn’t even make sense for her to fall for this girl out of nowhere after so many years of friendship. But something happened, and now she felt shy whenever she talked to her close friend. Still, Namtan could only hope it’d pass after a few weeks, just like most of her crushes did.
–
“Namtan, you’re too obvious.” Love flicked her forehead right after Namtan answered a text on their group chat. She threw her head back and growled.
“I can’t even tell what I am doing wrong.” She sighed and dropped her phone on the table. She was at a cafe with Milk and Love, the three of them laughing at their phones while the group chat was buzzing with messages nonstop. Earlier today, when they sent a photo of the three of them together, their other friends suddenly went online all at the same time and started complaining about how they could meet anytime and the rest of them had to wait for a grand event or planning a trip to see each other.
“Dude, you’re calling her princess.” Milk frowned at her phone seeing Namtan’s message.
Film: aww i wish i could see you guys every week too
Namtan: anyone would be lucky to see you that much princess
Film had reacted with a heart to that message. That emoji was enough to make Namtan feel like she was having a heart attack.
“Everybody calls her princess. It’s like, her thing.” She protested, reading the messages over and over.
“But you’re doing it at every message you send.” Love also frowned, examining the group chat. “Literally, in the last two weeks you have done it about 20 times. You’re being obvious.” She nodded, side eyeing Namtan while she sipped her matcha latte.
Namtan sighed and rested her head on the table. She thought this thing would be over by now, but somehow it was only getting stronger. For the first time in her life, she was hoping she could forget about a girl without even really trying with her. Because how on Earth would she try anything with Film when she lived hours away? Also, she didn’t even know if Film liked girls for real. She had a feeling she did, but after so many years of friendship it would be weird to just ask out of nowhere, especially since she wouldn’t have a good explanation if Film questioned why she wanted to know that. “Oh because I’ve fallen for you with no reason after years of being close friends!!!” That would be too ridiculous, even for her. And Namtan knew damn well how to act ridiculous for a girl.
The worst part? Was that Film knew about that. Since they were friends, Namtan had spent the last years counting all of her crazy and weird experiences with girls. Film had seen her crushing, in love, heartbroken, fooling around, acting like a slut, everything. For god’s sake, she had even seen pictures of Namtan wearing just lingerie. On that occasion, she had sent the photos to her friends to ask if they were good enough to send to a girl she was talking to. Just like she knew a lot about Film, the girl knew a lot about her too. Which could be nice, comfortable; but it was also terrifying, because Film knew everything that was weird and embarrassing about her. She knew Namtan’s weakness, the things her friends made fun of her about, the things she was the most awful at. Namtan knew she was good at flirting, but she had never tried to flirt with someone who was so deep into her day to day life, let alone someone who knew her so well for so long. Also, she didn’t know how to flirt with someone she couldn’t just ghost if things got weird. Because she didn’t want to risk losing Film’s friendship, or worse, ruining their group; just because her heart decided to start acting out whenever the girl was involved.
She just had to hold herself together and wait for it to pass.
–
It was new year’s eve, and they were at the beach. She was, as always, with Milk and Love, but some of their friends had taken a bus to spend the last and first days of the year together. Luckily, or sadly, Film lived too far away to go on a trip for just two days. So the ones there were just Emi, Bonnie and Ciize. Still, they were having the time of their lives drinking and dancing on the beach, waiting for the fireworks to go out. The group chat was once again sobbing about not being all together.
Film: i swear i’ll do all i can to be there next year
Kapook: it’s not fair that you all live so close
Love: i really with it was all of us… the new year would be way better for sure
Earn: let’s plan to actually do next new year’s eve together!!!
Namtan, sitting on a towel in the sand, was protesting because Milk took her phone away.
“You can’t do that! I’m an adult, you know. I can make my own decisions.” She broke her own argument, sitting with her arms crossed and pouting.
“Not when you’re this drunk.” Milk shook her head and shoved Namtan’s phone inside her pocket. “You’ve been talking about how pretty and sweet Film is since the first sip you had. I don’t even know how many times you said you wanted her to be your new year’s kiss.” She rolled her eyes, but chuckled at her friend being so down bad. “If you use this phone now, I know you’ll regret it.”
And it was true. Because at her state, if Namtan had access to a phone, access to Film’s contact, she’d probably send a messy and confusing message, maybe an audio, confessing whatever she was feeling for her friend. Because drunk and in such a beautiful place, this strange feeling seemed stronger, and she could only think about Film being there with them, laughing and jumping over the waves, posing so Namtan could take pictures of her, scooting closer to Namtan because the breeze was cold… She wanted to talk to Film, to make the girl understand she was in love and wanted to do everything to make her happy. But even in her drunken state, Namtan was aware that it would be too sudden and maybe too invasive to do so. So she knew Milk was right, it was for the better to take her phone away. She could still text Film in the morning to tell her how pretty she looked with her white outfit.
The rest of the night passed worse than in a blur- Namtan actually didn’t even know how it passed. Milk was deadly right, she was way too drunk to have a cellphone in her hand, and maybe even too drunk to be at a beach. She noticed that when she woke up with the rising sun slightly warm against her skin, contrasting with the cold of the damp sand under the towel she was laying on. She looked around and noticed that most of her friends were up- probably not already up, but still up straight from last night-, just Bonnie sleeping on the towel next to her. Strangely, she wasn’t feeling hung over or dizzy, this sleep seemed to be enough to really recharge her. Looking at Bonnie again, to make sure the girl was fine, she got up and walked towards her friends who were near the sea.
“Hey sleeping beauty!” Ciize screamed at her as she approached them, waving her hand. Namtan had a faint feeling that the girl was still drunk.
“Hi girls, good first morning of the year!” Even if she had just woken up, Namtan felt like she was full of energy for the whole day. “I don’t even remember going to sleep, but I’m really glad I did. Also glad I managed to wake up to see the sunrise with you all.”
Love looked up at her, placing her hand on Namtan’s shoulder, an ironic expression on those boba eyes.
“Girl, we put you to sleep after 3 A.M. You were walking around complaining about being sleepy and telling everyone how pretty Film is. Eventually we got fed up and told you to lay down.” She pointed to the towel where Bonnie was still sound asleep. “The second you plopped down next to the baby girl there you were dreaming.”
“Oh.” Namtan widened her eyes, trying to remember the things Love was talking about. She was used to partying too hard and forgetting things, so this was nothing too surprising. “Well, I’m glad you all were here to make sure I was safe! I don’t think sleeping at the beach is a very good idea…” She frowned, thinking about how irresponsible that was.
“Okay, okay..” Emi shoved Love’s hand off Namtan’s shoulder to stand in front of the girl qith her arms crossed. “Quit the small talk, tell us what the hell is this about Film? You wouldn’t shut up about her, and Milk even had to steal your phone away so you wouldn’t send any risky texts to her.” She nodded at the other girl, who was chuckling remembering the dynamics during the previous night. “The couple here didn’t seem surprised at your behaviour. Since when are you and Film a thing?” She asked directly, and Namtan considered digging a hole to hide herself inside the sand. She really didn’t expect all of her friends to find out about this silly and annoying crush on Film.
“We’re not a thing Emi, come on. You know you girls would be the first ones to know.” Namtan shook her head, trying to be funny to baffle her friend- which didn’t work, so she buffed and gave up, looking away to hide her gaze. “Unfortunately, we’re not a thing. I’m like, fully down bad for her. I don’t know why, or how, so please don’t ask me. I just… can’t stop thinking about her and how I wish we could be closer.”
“Closer than seeing each other naked and knowing every little detail about each other’s lives?”
Now burning herself in the sand didn’t seem enough, because thinking that Film had already seen her practically naked made Namtan want to actually explode and vanish from Earth. Not that she was ashamed of her body- she knew she was hot-, but it was so vulnerable… she’d never let a girl she was crushing on see a picture of her naked. The problem was, the girl she was crushing on was one of her best friends, so she had seen that before Namtan’s mind and heart decided to complicate things.
“Please, don’t remind me of that.” She growed and rested her forehead on Emi’s shoulder.
“You don’t want me to remind you that you two are very close friends?” The girl asked, tapping on her friend’s head. “You can’t just ignore that, Nam.”
“I know…” Namtan raised her head again, eyes closed for a second. She sighed and raised her shoulders. “That’s why I’m choosing to ignore my crush.”
That earned a laugh from all of them- well, the ones who were up. Bonnie was still fast asleep a few steps away from them.
“You’re too down bad for that, my friend.” Ciize chuckled saying that, moving closer. “You were so interested in talking about how much you liked her that you didn’t even want to give me a new year’s kiss.”
Namtan growed again, and now she couldn’t help but notice that Ciize was right: for the last few weeks she couldn’t even phantom kissing any other girl. The thought didn’t even cross her mind, and even when someone like Ciize- whom she was used to flirt with all the time- was hitting on her, the act of kissing her didn’t seem so interesting. Her forces were really all invested in Film, even if she was many kilometers away and completely unaware of her friend’s feelings.
What a way to start the new year. At least she was with her friends!
–
Film: can you help me choose my outfit for a wedding i have?
Milk: shoot us
Loverrukk: always
Beonnnie: i always love your outfits
Namtan: anything you want princess
Film: *3 photos*
Loverrukk: the transparent one is really your style
Milk: i agree with anything love says
Namtan: you look like an angel in all three of them…
Ciize: rock the shorter one babe
Beonnie: i like the transparent one too!!!
Namtan was laying down on her bed, completely focused on the conversation happening on the group chat. It was usual, helping choose outfits, sending pictures of things they bought, telling things that happened during their day… But ever since she started feeling different about Film, every little update about the girl’s life was more interesting, and every picture took her breath away. This time, with Film wearing three different types of dresses, each of them prettier than the other, and all of them making Film look like someone straight out of a fairy tale. She knew Film was pretty, she even saw her growing into that beauty and getting more brave about that during their friendship; hell, she was part of that, always hyping her up with their friends. But now she saw more details, things she wasn’t paying attention to before. She noticed every little crinkle around her eyes, how they matched with those cute little dimples, the way her hair had slightly lighter strands near the bottom, how she would repeat the same poses she liked for photos. Namtan was no stranger to this feeling, she had felt like that with her girlfriends before. But it was different, even kind of fun, to find out new things about someone she already knew so much about. It was like she knew Film like a foreigner, who went to the most famous places in the country and even had a little experience on some smaller cities and unexplored places; but now she was deep diving into the girl, finding out secrets and new hidden places that someone could only see if they were paying attention and really, really, interested in exploring. And Namtan was way too eager to explore.
But she was trying to hold back. She was a pro at flirting- that was something she did all the time with most people who talked to her. Flirting was not only a way to kiss girls, something she would never deny she liked very much, but it was also just a fun activity, something to make day to day life more amusing. Still, she knew Film was guarded, she knew the girl had her bad experiences with relationships, and she knew the girl was, until now, completely comfortable with her. She didn’t want that to change. So she held back, being completely aware of each word and even the stickers she sent Film. Namtan wanted to compliment the girl, obviously, but she didn’t want it to come across as a bold flirt, something that could make Film uncomfortable. But she couldn’t entirely change how she talked to her, because she did flirt with all of her friends for fun, including Film- before she was hot and bothered about the girl. So she had to measure how far she should go. She wasn’t sure she was managing to do so, but at least she was trying.
One day, they were talking about their instagram feeds.
Film: sometimes i feel like deleting the whole thing
Film: most of it is kind of embarrassing when i look back
Namtan: please don’t… the world can’t handle losing another piece of fine art
The other day, the girls were just complaining about work
Loverrukk: i can’t stand another patient telling me stupid shit
Loverrukk: *photo*
Beonnie: ugh i’m so tired too… seems like every customer is trying to piss me off today
Beonnie: *photo*
Namtan: i swear if anything else goes wrong with my set i’ll give up for the day
Namtan: *photo*
It was just a normal conversation, each of them complaining and sending pictures of their faces, annoyed and tired. Until Film joined.
Film: my hands hurt so bad… never knew being an artist could bring so much pain
Film: *photo*
Namtan: i’ll break any brushes that try to harm this cat
Once Namtan was the one who started the subject, being so used to talking about anything with the girls she didn’t even stop to think about how it could play out now that she was thirsting for Film.
Namtan: i’m too lazy to workout today… can u girls hype me up pls
Emi: if you don’t go, i’ll be the strongest one here, so no hypes from me
Milk: you need to train so you don’t keep complaining all the time when we go hiking, move your ass
Film: *photo*
Film: let’s go Nam!! I’m just finishing my crossfit training for the day
That day, Namtan felt like a highschooler seeing a girl for the first time in her life. Film simply sent a picture of her in the mirror, sweaty and with her hair in a ponytail, gym shorts and gym bra hugging her body like they were made just to fit her. Namtan had seen a fair number of hot girls, some of them completely naked, but nothing had ever made her blush and lose her breath like this photo. Film was just too hot. There was no other word possible to describe that. Maybe some others, but she’d never use filthy words with this princess. Her mind literally went blank and she needed some time to recover. The only way she could think about answering this without straight on calling Film hot was reacting to the picture with a heart emoji. It was dumb and clearly a scared move, but after that picture Namtan was in no place to think better. She just stood up and dragged her ass to the gym. She had to look good if she ever wanted a chance with that goddess.
–
Namtan was so excited. She had been waiting for this moment for months, ever since they started talking about this trip. Even knowing each other for six years, it was the first time they would all be in the same place at the same time. They tried to do that many times during their friendship, using concerts and birthdays as excuses, but every time something happened and they couldn’t all go, someone was always missing. Last time it was actually Namtan. The whole group flew to a different city to watch a concert, but she couldn’t go because she was in the middle of filming a very important series.
But this time they had organized it thoroughly, making sure the date was right for everyone and that they could all go for sure. Namtan knew that sharing a house with almost ten people could be something stressful, even if it was for just a few days. But after knowing these girls for so long, she couldn’t even bother about that. She knew every little detail about how they worked, how they organized their houses, what time they woke up and went to sleep… kind of everything you could know about a person. Also, she had already met most of them at some point during the last years.
Most of them.
The only girl she hadn't met in person was, ironically, the girl she was most looking forward to meeting. Somehow, during all those years, she and Film managed to dodge each other, almost as if they were running away from each other. Every time Namtan was there, Film had some kind of problem and couldn’t go. When Film went, Namtan’s schedule didn’t work. But now, when Namtan was crushing hard on Film, the trip was so well planned that they couldn’t escape. Now they would finally meet, and Namtan was a little afraid that she might combust right in place.
Still, she was mostly excited about spending a whole week with her friends. They were her best friends in the whole wide world, even if Milk and Love were the only ones who lived close to her and she could see most frequently. These girls were like her found family, something she always dreamed of conquering someday in her adult life. It turned out it wasn’t so hard, they had naturally fallen into each other’s lives and never left. It was cozy and nice to know she had this girl group to walk through life with her.
That warm and excited feeling was running through her mind and body while she sat on the sofa of their rented house while Milk and Love were somewhere allegedly organizing their things. Namtan wouldn’t be the one to go after them and see something she didn’t want to. So she was sitting on the couch, waiting for the rest of the girls to arrive. Her car was parked outside, leaving space for Ciize’s car, who would probably bring Bonnie and Emi from the airport with her once they all arrived. Now, all she had to do was chill while she waited for the girls to arrive. She had time.
Or at least she thought so.
“Nam!!” She heard a voice call from the front door, which they had left already open so any of their friends could get inside when they arrived. But that voice wasn’t any voice. She could recognize it easily- just like she could with any of her friends’ voices. The difference was that her body, her heart, or whatever was in charge of her emotions, recognized this voice faster than her mind could. Because this was the voice that echoed through her mind the whole day after she sent any stupid audio on the group chat; the voice she caught herself dreaming about; the voice she was most eagerly waiting to hear in person. Film’s voice. Something she always thought that sounded like an animated princess voice, and it was even more likewise in person.
She turned to see and excited Film, her smile larger than her face, dimples showing, standing at the door. Her suitcase was standing next to her, filled with cat stickers. Her outfit was simple but so, so, cute. An oversized taylor swift tshirt with something that seemed like a short lace dress underneath. She could only see the very end of it, making Film look like she was wearing a skirt that was just two centimeters longer than her shirt. Her hair was somehow pretty even after the plane, cascading down her shoulders effortlessly. The boots she was wearing could be completely weird with the rest of the outfit, but Film made it work perfectly, sustaining her style.
Namtan didn’t hold back her smile and immediately showed all her teeth, her cheeks even hurting from how hard that smile was. She stood up and nearly ran towards Film, who was stretching her arms to call Namtan in for a hug.
“Film!! I can’t believe you’re here!” She said, moving closer to the girl. Besides all the crushing and yearning, Namtan was genuinely happy to finally meet her friend in person after so much time. It was even weird, looking at Film’s face, because it felt like she saw this girl everyday for so long, but it was also obviously the first time she actually saw her, with no screens in the middle. She didn’t have too much time to think or stare before Film threw her arms around her neck, pulling her in.
And when Namtan’s own arms draped around the girl’s slim waist, almost lifting her up, that’s when she knew she was fucked. Because Film’s scent entered her system and she felt like it was the very first time she truly breathed. Holding Film felt like finally waking up after a whole life of just pretending to be alive, dreaming about actually experiencing something real. And holding this girl in her arms, feeling her face scrunched against her neck, hearing her giggle… that was actually being alive. Namtan closed her eyes, trying to balance herself in the middle of all those feelings. She couldn’t even speak right now. But Film could, so she whispered against Namtan’s shoulder.
“I’m so glad to finally see you.”