Helluva Interview
“Uh, who the fuck are you?” Moxxie exclaimed.
Loona glanced up from the grimoire to see what the fuck the small imp was talking about. It had been a long, stressful night breaking into the human’s facility and saving Blitz and Moxxie from the suits that had kidnapped them. Granted, it had been exhilarating, being able to let loose and fight. She would definitely need to spend more time with Millie after that because that bitch was insanely fun. But it was still exhausting, and if Stolas hadn’t arrived when he did…
But admittedly, the scene in front of her was definitely worth staying in the office for a bit longer.
In front of them was the weirdest Sinner she had ever seen, and that was saying something. The woman was short, maybe even an inch or two shorter than Blitz, with strange, lightly tanned skin that looked kinda like it was made of burlap and not flesh. Every visible joint looked like it was stitched together along the seams, and even the sides next to her mouth looked that way, as though someone had cut her mouth wider and regretted it. Her round face was framed with yarn-like hair in various shades of purple, pulled up into a near ponytail and cascading behind her. Her fuller figure was draped with a tasteful, black modern gothic dress that flowed to her knees, revealing the chunky black boots on her feet.
She looked like a creepy, yet strangely pretty ragdoll. If it wasn’t for her sharp teeth and strange black button pupils within her violet eyes, she would look right at home on some weird doll collector’s shelf. Loona kinda wouldn’t mind following her on Sinstagram, especially if she had a makeup tutorial, because that flawless smoky eye was awesome!
The woman smiled at each of them warmly, a strange sparkle in her eye, until it fell on the horny couple behind them. Her eyebrow shot up as she smirked, crossing her arms and leaning against the desk behind her. “My my, you guys sure know how to make an entrance. An Ars Goetian prince and a very tall imp? Don’t see that every day.” The words were mocking, but the tone was playful. Odd.
She heard Stolas drop Blitz, her dad groaning as he fell with a sharp thud. The little doll chuckled, then smiled warmly up at the tall owl. “I’m only teasing, your highness. I think it’s actually kind of sweet. Love is love, and no one should ever judge that. You would be surprised how many ‘illicit affairs’ occur, but it is truly no one’s right to tell you what happens in your life. Be happy. It suits you.”
Stolas cleared his throat and blushed, stepping forward, and offering his hand in greeting. “I, ah, appreciate the thought, Miss…?”
The girl's smile turned into a grin as she took it to shake. “Stitches.” She leaned forward and curtsied shallowly. “Stitches Magne.”
Stolas gasped and backed up, nearly stumbling over Blitz, who suddenly looked very concerned at his… boy toy? Sugar Daddy? Yeah, Sugar Daddy. The big bird demon stuttered as he looked her over as if searching for something. The woman tilted her head curiously, then smiled knowingly and pulled up the sleeve on her right arm up to her elbow. She twisted her hand until it exposed her forearm, revealing an intricate red and gold tattoo. Stolas gasped again, then bowed deeply to her, shocking the others in the room.
“Y-Y-Your Majesty!” Stolas greeted breathlessly. “Forgive me, I was not aware-”
The girl - Stitches, apparently - raised her hand, encouraging him to stand. “It has not been formally announced, Prince… Stolas, I presume?” She waited for him to nod in confirmation before continuing. “I am still learning who all the main players are, but I am glad I guessed correctly. The King will be pleased that my training has progressed so well. Though, let’s keep our meeting a little secret for now, hmm? I am not supposed to be interacting with the other royals just yet.”
Stolas nodded vigorously. “Of course, Your Majesty! I shan’t say a word.” He smiled awkwardly. “Still, I must say this is quite the surprise indeed! I was not aware that the Morningstars were even open to taking in another ward…”
Stitches smiled mysteriously and shrugged, looking like she was about to answer, before Blitz interrupted with a “WHAT THE FUCK!?!”. Loona smacked her face and groaned. Why couldn’t her adoptive dad just keep his damn mouth shut!? How embarrassing!
Stitches turned and looked at the tall imp curiously. “I’m sorry, did I interrupt your evening? I am happy to discuss my business with you if you would like to finish this up quickly and leave.”
“Sir!” Moxxie hissed, grabbing Blitz’s arm and yanking him away from Stitches. “That is a Magne! Her title means she is basically an adopted child of Lucifer Morningstar… You know, the King of Hell!?! You can’t just interrupt her!”
Blitz rolled his eyes. “Oh for Satan’s sake, I was being perfectly respectful. If the bitch can’t handle someone being shocked about her being here, she can fuck off back to the palace!” He turned back to Stitches. “So, what’s a spoiled royal brat doing in a rundown shitburgh like this? Want to assassinate someone? Can’t imagine that will go over well with the royal family, what with the King now helping out the Princess with her weird passion project.”
Stitches shook her head and inspected her nails. Loona wanted to laugh. Whoever this girl was, she was ballsy and unpredictable as fuck. Her posture screamed unbothered and her eyes were guarded and unreadable, yet she was clearly enjoying herself. If she didn’t know any better, the hellhound would have guessed she had been born royal, with the way she naturally controlled the situation. She was determined to get what she wanted, and though Loona didn’t know what that was, it was sure to be something incredible and-
“No, I am here because I would like to work for you.”
…
Okay, that is so fucking NOT what I thought she would say!
Blitz frowned. “Do you even know what we do here?”
Stitches nodded and handed him a flyer. Loona could already see it was one of theirs, one of the newer ones even. “You run an assassination business, catering to Sinners with unfinished business on Earth. You sometimes provide other services, I’m sure, but that appears to be your main goal, correct?”
“Look,” Blitz huffed, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes. “You obviously did your research, but we aren’t even hiring. A puny thing like you? A royal of all things? You would be a liability, and no way am I risking pissing off your new daddy by letting you go with us on dangerous missions! I already have one annoying royal on my ass, I don’t need another.”
Stitches shrugged. “Yet, you really should consider hiring someone. After all, you clearly are lacking some in-office personnel.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” Blitz snarled. “Loony is our secretary, Moxxie handles the paperwork. What more 'in-office' staff do we need?”
Stitches sighed dramatically and waved a hand toward the stacks of unsorted files and the empty desk behind her. “I have been here for hours, Mr. Blitz. The door was unlocked, no notice of where you were or when you would return, and honestly, if I were nearly anyone else in Hell, I could have ransacked the place, and you would never have caught me.”
“Today doesn’t really count, darlin’,” Mollie said gently. “Loona only tagged along to help me rescue the boys, so…”
“Yet, it happened.” Stitches sighed and smiled at her kindly. “I am not trying to point out your flaws as a group, simply make an argument for my employment. I have experience from my human life in managing and organizing businesses, from keeping files up to date and orderly to receptionist duties. I enjoyed the work and miss it quite a lot. I would be happy to provide my services, and you wouldn’t even need to pay me.”
Blitz perked up at the mention of free labor but still hummed uncertainty. “I dunno… Still sounds like a fucking big risk to me-”
“Your Majesty, can I speak to my… underlings… for a moment?” Stolas cut in. Stitches tilted her head curiously, but nodded, pulling out her phone. Stolas gave a small bow, then pushed Blitz into his office, motioning for the rest of them to follow. Loona glanced at the doll demon, then went and fetched her a glass of water. She offered it to the Sinner, earning a surprised smile as she accepted it, before following the others, shutting the door behind her.
“For fuck’s sake, Stolas, I am NOT hiring that chick!” Blitz grumbled, staring up at the prince. Stolas rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as he looked around curiously.
“I disagree,” Stolas countered. “As long as you use my grimoire, you will hire the girl. She is Lucifer’s ward, and her wants are to be given to her. She isn’t even asking for payment!”
Blitz growled. “That’s even worse! Why would she want to work here? As a fresh royal, she could literally work anywhere she wanted, even start her own business! So what possible reason could she have for wanting to work for our shitty place, huh? She has to have some ulterior motive-”
“Which is not for use to question!” Stolas exclaimed. “For all we know, the royal family knows about everything! The illegal borrowing of my grimoire, our relationship, your unregistered business… Not to mention what happened TONIGHT! They could be coming for our heads!” He looked around the room. “If she is here looking for a job, give her a job. If nothing else, it ties her to the business, and that could be used as leverage in court, should they decide to try to penalize us. If anything, this could be an unholy miracle, saving us from very unpleasant situations in the future!”
Loona had to admit, that Stolas had a point. The Sinner came to them asking for a job, so if the rest of the Morningstars were aware of I.M.P., then they really needed to have the leverage. Who knew? This could actually work even more in their favor, allowing them to gain the ability to not only be a legal business but also have direct ties to the King! That could only be good for them, right?
Blitz sighed and put his hands over his face, slowly pulling them down. “Okay, fine, FINE! I’ll let her work here. But I am not happy about it, and I will be taking it out of your ass-” he pointed up at Stolas “-the minute we get back to your place.” Stolas seemed excited about that. Ew…
They all filed back into the main area and in front of Stitches. The doll demon smiled at them, sipping at her water as she patiently waited for them to speak. She had repositioned herself to be sitting on the desk, her feet swinging lazily from where she was perched. She raised an eyebrow at Blitz.
Blitz took a deep breath. “Okay, fine, you can work here, as our backup secretary and office-organizer-person-thingy. BUT! No missions, no paychecks, and if I ever tell you to hide or run, you get your ass out of the way. Understood?” He groaned when she nodded happily. “You start Monday, and, Satan help me, you better not make me regret it.”
Stitches giggled and hopped down from the desk, walking up to him and shaking his hand. “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you!” she cooed with a wink. The reserved and royal facade had faded away, leaving behind a lively and vibrant person. It was stunning and disorienting, if not a little unnerving. She stepped back and nodded towards the others, a mischievous glint in her eye. “I look forward to working together, but it is late, and I am expected home. We can get introductions out of the way on Monday. You all have a wonderful evening!” She called over her shoulder, waving and all but bouncing out the door. Everyone stared after her in shock.
Loona burst out laughing. “Oh, I absolutely love this crazy bitch!”
____________________________________________________________________________
Stitches waited until she was out of the building and around the corner before allowing herself to burst. She squealed happily, dancing in place, much to the annoyance and amusement of the demons passing her by on the street. But she didn’t care at all. She had done it! She was going to be working at I.M.P.!
Her hellphone started quacking quietly, and she groaned, answering it without looking. “Hey, Dad, I was just about to call you-”
“Do you realize how late it is!?” Lucifer whispered loudly into the phone. “You promised to be home before dark, and it is already past dinner!”
Stitches sighed, but the worry in his tone was enough for her to count to 10. It was her first time being unchaperoned, and she was in the middle of a whole different Circle. She had promised to be home several hours ago, and Lucifer had been understanding when she had sent texts all day informing him that she was “busy looking around and attending interviews” (since she couldn’t tell him she was waiting for a very specific one). How was she supposed to know that the “Truthseekers” episode events were happening today of all days?
“I’m really sorry, Dad,” she apologized honestly. “In my defense, my persistence paid off! I start Monday, as a secretary at an imp-owned small business.”
There was a pause, then an excited whoop. “Oh, Duckling! I am so proud of you!” Lucifer gushed, his worry evaporating in favor of his paternal pride. “You’ll have to tell me all about it when you get home! What business is it? Do you know your schedule? How much are they paying you? Do you need me to- HEY!”
“Stitches, my dear, were you able to catch the bus leaving Imp City?” Alastor’s question caught her off guard. Stitches froze in her tracks and pulled the phone screen away from her face so she could glance at the time. Oh, fuck…
“Oh, haha, I, uh, seem to have missed it?” Stitches winced. She was going to have to keep a better eye on that in the future if she was going to get her family to take her seriously. “Uh, hold on, I’ll go somewhere more private and activate the mark so Dad can portal me home.”
The sound of shuffling and bickering on the other side of the phone told her they were fighting for Lucifer’s hellphone. She giggled as she slipped into an alley, hanging up so she could put it in her pocket and have her hands free. She thought of Lucifer and her need for a portal, as she traced the outer circle of her Magne Mark, causing it to glow. A moment later, a golden-rimmed portal opened up on the wall in front of her, revealing her Dad and Alastor, still arguing on the other side in the middle of the lobby.
Smiling and shaking her head, she stepped through, hearing the portal close behind her.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Dammit, I lost her!” Vox seethed, trying to go through the few cameras he had installed in Imp City, just to be sure. While he had nearly every inch of Pentagram City under his millions of known and secret surveillance equipment, he had never bothered to spread his influence farther. Each Circle of Pride, just as with the other Rings, were dominated by a different Sin’s people, and so, the different species naturally tended to stay with their own, with the occasional exception. Since most Sinners preferred Pentagram City, he had never seen a point in fighting the other Circles into allowing his tech in.
Until now.
“Fucking Hell, Vox, can’t you just hack into her hellphone or something?” Velvette sighed. “We could track her through that a lot easier than hoping she stays within the bounds of your stupid cameras. Why was she even in Imp City for so long anyway?”
Vox rolled his eyes. “Don’t you think I have already thought of that? Apparently, Alastor and Lucifer did something to the phone that blocked my personal signal. I can’t hack into it remotely, and trying to get close enough to her to physically get access to it would be too risky.” He sighed and leaned back. “As for why she was in Imp City… I honestly can’t figure that one out yet.”
“Mmmm, but Voxy, she was alone all day,” Valentino crooned. “That’s a first, since her arrival in Hell, yes? Less security, more opportunities… Why can’t we just plan a kidnapping when she leaves the hotel next? With her going to other Circles, it would be even easier, wouldn’t it?”
Vox thought about it for a moment, weighing the options. On the one hand, it was a new development, her being out and about on her own. Never before had she been so vulnerable. However, there had to be a reason that she was now able to wander Hell without a personal bodyguard. Had she come into a new power? Been trained in fighting? Maybe had some sort of panic button or remote protection they hadn’t seen yet?
Finally, he shook his head. “No, we don’t have enough information on why things have changed or how. She could still have protection of some sort that we just aren’t seeing. Hell, today could have been a fluke for all we know!”
“Then what the FUCK do we do?” Velvette growled. “So far, we have gotten shit for our bloody efforts, and all three of us have more important crap to do than constantly monitor this bitch!”
Vox took a deep breath. “Then we divide up the workload. I’ll keep monitoring the cameras and look into some options for a more hands-on approach. Val, you need to keep an eye on Angel Dust and see what you can find out that way. Don’t be obvious about it, he already seems suspicious. See if we can get a few of your whores into the hotel so we can get some inside information too, just make sure they are loyal to us and able to keep up an act. Velvette, keep monitoring social media. She’s a millennial with internet access, she’ll eventually break down and start some form of account somewhere. No matter how ‘private’ she tries to be, she will eventually get sloppy and post something personal.”
The other two nod and slip out, leaving Vox staring at his screens. He notices the camera in the hotel’s lobby picking up the doll demon entering via a portal in front of Alastor (whose image is glitching as always) and Lucifer. He huffs, realizing that that is why they couldn’t find her in Imp City. She had somehow gotten Lucifer to port her home. The question was how? Was it planned ahead of time, or did she call him and arrange it?
“Ugh, always more questions than answers.” He grinned, leaning forward and starting a new line of research. “I will get all my answers though, don’t you worry, and when I do, I’ll be the King of Hell.”