Oh My Mona

It's Monday again.

I don't remember the weekend.

It is just a blur.

All of a sudden, I'm hearing my alarm and then I'm in my bathroom, cleaning my teeth and washing my face, I'm eating breakfast and pulling on my already tied shoes as I hop to the doorway.

I'm waving my mum goodbye and stepping outside. I'm walking down the road to the bus stop.

It is grey again today. February is always grey. It is like a permanent Tuesday. And although the sky is dark and heavy. It does not cry.

I'm on the creaky old bus with Josh, he tells me about his weekend and I listen.

I am thinking. All I have done is think.

I need to work things out with Mona; I don't think she understands that I am... In love with her. Am I in love?

The question seems so simple but I do not have an answer.

I tell myself that I do, because I do love her. I love her smile and her hair and her sweetness, I have always wanted her so much it hurt to be around her. I need her. Like oxygen. She helps me breathe better, clear my throat and get back up. I need her.

I must love her because I need her.

All I can think about is her. I must love her. I do love Mona.

Josh is nudging me with his foot. I look up. He is looking at me with a frown. "Xavier are you alright?" I hear him say it quietly, his voice is like the sky, it is weighted and sad. I have to think for a moment, let the words forge in my throat before I say them.

"I am alright."

Am I lying? I fear I am lying but I don't know what else I would say if I said that I was not alright. I suppose I must be, I am here aren't I? I am alive and breathing; my tie is done up and my toes tied, my hair is combed and I am here. I am alive. Therefor I must be alright. I am alright. But there is a voice that whispers in my head.

You are dying.

No I am not.

My trousers are sticking to my legs again.

Xavier if you talk to me I can help you.

Josh gives me a half hearted smile. It almost hurts to look at, I don't know if he means that smile or if it is just to be nice. He is kind and I do not deserve it. Sorry. Perhaps I am selfish. I mean to tell him, to say that he is brilliant and the best friend I can ever ask for but the words become ash in my throat.

You can talk to me Xavier. I can help you.

I don't know how to express my gratitude for Josh, for my friends, for Phoebe and Hannah, for Sofia and Anna for Zazie and for Rory and Archie,  for the ones I cannot name but I wish I could. I'd tell them everyday just how much they mean to me,  but I cannot form the words. Sorry. Sorry if I disappoint you. I don't mean to. I'm sorry, please forgive me. You are so special to me, you are worth so much that you can't fathom. Thank you with the words I cannot find.

Xavier, are you listening to me?

I can't stop hearing her voice, the councillor across from me. She looks so disappointed in me. She looks angry at me. Not angry. No she never looked angry, she was disappointed. It was like fat heavy rocks at the bottom of my stomach. I feel disappointment there, in my stomach, it weighs me down; till I cannot breath with it.

Josh reaches out a hand to me. Like he always does when he knows I am struggling to hold on. He lets me hold on to him.

And I let him hold on to me.

He has saved me more times then I can count. He is the part of me that does not want to give up.

I take his hand.

"How long have you been zoning out for?" I hear the words he doesn't say and I cannot express it. Do you know how often things clog in my throat? The words I am meaning to say that I cannot force out my system. I do mean to tell you all I just... Cannot.

I am thinking too much aren't I? I speak too much don't I? I'll be quiet now. I'll stop now. Don't look at me like that.

"A week." I lie. It has been far longer but that does not matter. It is not important. I am alright.

He lets me hold his hand until we get off the bus where he pulls away from me as he gets up, pulls away from me. I only notice it now. Then I begin to notice it again. As I move closer to him, he instinctively moves, he distances himself. I am thinking too much. It is nothing. I am trying. I am trying. Stop looking at me.

I'm getting off the bus with Josh and we are walking in the courtyard, we are walking to our tutor room.

My classes are tiring and I cannot focus on thinking and writing at the same time, if I think too hard I will start to write down the stray thoughts in my head. I stare at the page. It is blank. Write something. One word is better then none. You cannot edit a blank page but you can a full one.

I used to write but I lost the habit. I found other canvases to work on. To express myself. In the ways someone like me can.

I am not writing anymore.

What defines someone like me? Do you have to look like me? Think like me? Do what I do? Feel how I feel? Hurt like I hurt?

There is no 'someone like me', they are people, they have names and faces and experiences, they are people. Not just someones.

My lessons end quickly, half phasing in and out of them, lost in thought, lost in the words I am writing. It feels nice for a moment.

But I have learnt; happiness can only last a moment.

Lunch comes and it is not so forgiving. The others are all sat down at the bench we always choose at the edge of the concrete courtyard just under the shelter of the school, even Josh is there, looking over and laughing with Sam. All of them are there. Mona is there. She is smiling so vibrantly, her eyes sparkling with something fierce. I love that in her eyes. I am lost in them.

I walk over and I smile, it is good to see them all together. It makes me happy to see them all- I stop. I am 5 steps away from the bench when Mona gets up. She is walking towards me.

I am thinking she is going to kiss me.

She is going to kiss me.

She does not kiss me.

I glance behind her for a second, Cher's attention is on us and she is patting Kile and pointing at us, Lilith is looking up from her book too, Bronwyn is staring as well, Josh and Sam turn. They are all watching us. Stop looking. Why are they looking?

There is a lump in my throat that tastes like vomit. Help me. What do I do? I search for Josh's eyes but they are trained on Mona.

"Xavier." Her voice isn't like melted honey anymore, it is cold and nasty. Mona's voice is nasty. And it is directed at me. Help me. I can't feel my hands or feet anymore, I can't feel my face, I am frozen.

When I do not answer Mona glares at me, looking me up and down, trailing across my body. Don't do that I want to say. But I cannot. My chest is tightening and I can't breath. I'm going to cry. Don't cry. Don't you dare. Don't you dare cry.

I am holding onto imaginary shards of glass and I am squeezing so hard I want it to slice through my hands. Distract yourself.

"I'm breaking up with you, we are done. You're a stupid. Pathetic. Excuse of a boyfriend."

There are rocks in my stomach and bile in my throat, I can feel tears prickling, I can feel everything and nothing at all. I can't move. I want to cry out for help. I cannot even meet Josh's gaze.

Help me.

Mona stands there in front of me. A smirk on her lips.

The words are crushing me. I am melting away like sand and I cannot pack myself tight enough to stop the onslaught of waves. I am crumbling. Like an idiot. Stop looking at me. What can she see? Can she see me falling apart.

It is pretend.

Pretend.

Help me.

I want the ground to swallow me. I beg silently for it to steal me away. Why has my mind stopped working. I cannot think. I am panicking and I cannot breathe. Breathe. Help me. I cannot breathe. The air is choked out my lungs.

"Okay. I accept that." I say it so steadily. I say it like I am put together, like I do not appear a Frankenstein freak. I hold back a sob. A choke, a cry, a scream, fighting the words into silence.

Remember when I said happy moments only last a minute?

She looks so smug. So happy with herself. I cannot take it. And yet I do; I endure. Even though I think I am dying.

Why does she look smug? Does she hate me? Is she cruel? I love her. I think I love her? But the flower in my heart for her is rotting; they are decaying and withering like petals in winter, like leaves falling from the tree. But it is happening in real time and it is breaking something in my chest. It feels like my ribs are closing over my heart and shattering it, tiny bone fragments ripping me apart from the inside out.

I sit down.

Somehow I stay together. I endure. I endure. And I endure. Thought I am cracking and fraying at the seems, I do not cry or weep, I do not raise my voice. I accept in the way that I can accept all thing, in time.

I don't eat my food.

It looks bitter and I don't want it. I will vomit if I eat my food. I try to keep down my breakfast but it is hard and it feels like it is rising in my throat. The stones in my stomach churn, my stomach of disappointment.

I don't look at anyone.

I don't meet anyone's gaze, I only answer small questions, my voice is steady like I know what I am doing. I do not know. I try to avoid them. I let the silence fill the space, letting my swollen heart bleed out there.

I go to class.

I cannot concentrate on what is in front of me. My mind is wild and howling and no matter what I do, I cannot silence it. It will not be quiet. I cannot breathe again. My pages stay blank and I do not pick up my pen.

I get on the bus.

Josh tries to reach out for me and I feel cruel but I cannot take it. I cannot take his hand for once. I want to fall onto the dust with shattered bones and cut hands. I let it hurt and it hurts so bad. I cannot stop it hurting this time.

I go home.

I try to stop thinking through it all. I try to let my mind go blank. Maybe it will bring me some condolence.

I sit in my bathtub.

I get out my bathtub.

I lie on my bed.

I close my eyes.

That is when I finally begin to cry.

And my head begins to clear.