Oh My Mona

Friday is slow and I barely see Mona. I don't want to.

Josh watches me from a distance all day. I can feel his eyes on the back of my neck. I know he's just worried.

It rains most of the day.

I skip gym.

I sit on the benches.

I stare into space.

Nothing feels real. It's like waking up but you think you're still asleep.

I want to go back to sleep again.

I see Kile and Cher at lunch, Mona is strangely not attached to Cher's hip. There are other people with them today. I frown. Josh is with me again. I cannot tell if it is comforting him being there or if it is something else.

There's a girl and two boys with them, the girl is black and her hair is in braids, stands of navy string wrapped into them, she looks like velvet. The two behind her are tan and tall, perhaps they are brothers? But that doesn't seem right. One of them is more dusky, light brown hair and blue eyes; the other has deeper caramel tones and his hair is black.

Who are these people?

I look from Cher to Kile as they stand so close together, their fingertips brushing. My mouth tastes vile. I want that. I cannot have that. Everything hurts again and I want it to stop.

"Hey guys, who are the new arrivals?" Josh takes the lead, waving and stepping forward when I cannot move. It is Cher to greets him with a smile,

"Meet," she points to them in turn starting to the girl who looks like starlight, "Lilith," she turns to the one with dark hair, "Bronywn," then turns to the one with a sandy complexction, "Sam." They are all smiling. Stop smiling. I hate it.

They sit with us all lunch and make idle small talk, Sam taking the lead, clearly the most extroverted. He immediately takes an interest in Cher and I can feel Kile smoking next to her. He is not so subtly glaring at Sam. He looks to Cher for a moment, questioningly before sliding his hand onto her thigh.

Imagine what that feels like.

What the fuck am I thinking about. His finger tips are pressing into her skin in an affectionate way, Cher seems to enjoy it. She is smiling. Stop it. I want to scream at them. Something being Sam's eyes waviers a little, before he trys to entertain Bronywn who is hopelessly staring at Lilith.

Why is everyone in love? I am angry. Hadn't I just been in love? Aren't I in love?

Am I in love?

Yes.

Then why does it hurt?

Because that's normal. Relationships are supposed to be difficult. Right?

For a moment I wonder where Mona is but I don't want to see her today, my gut twists at her name.

I stare into space.

I do not care for this conversation today. I hear josh in the background, his voice is comforting.

Am I angry Mona is not here?

Lunch ends.

Nothing is right today. The air is heavy as I breath, the world is tilted a little. I hurt. I want to stop hurting.

The day passes so slowly and I drift in and out of consciousness, disappearing inside my own head. It's raining again when we get to the bus stop, the droplets soak my hair and shirt; making my trousers wet and the fabric stick to me. Its uncomfortable.

Why can't I focus? Why is today so hard?

I cannot think. I need to cut again. I need to focus.

For a second I cannot believe I even said it in my own head. What sort of person would think that. What sort of sick person would think that. Someone like you. Shut it the fuck out.

Stop it.

You are over this.

But I don't know if I am- Stop it right fucking now. Don't you even fucking go there. Stop it. I am okay now.

I can feel someone looking at me. It is Josh. I hate when people look at me. It feels invasive. I do not know how deep they are looking. How much can they see. How much-

"Xavier."

He says my name. I'm looking at him. We are at the bus stop again, where everything is alright. The lump in my throat goes away.

As we wait, I enjoy the rain. Josh frowns a little at me before tilting his head back and sticking out his tongue; he is trying to catch the falling water. I smile. It hurts. There are puddles everywhere, the rain seems to never stop, splattering into the concrete. People all around me are slinging down their bags and jumping into the puddles.

It is nice. I put down my bag.

I play in the rain.

None of the people around me are 16 or 17; we are 6 and 7, and it is the first time it is raining in summer, we are laughing and smiling. It feels good.

When my bus comes Josh and I are soaked, our trousers with water splashes all the way up to our knees, our socks squelching and our hair sticking to our foreheads. We are laughing. The rest of my friends are drunk on laughter as well, sloshing around.

Back on the bus it's February, the moment is over, and we are dripping. My mum's going to be angry. Why is that the first thing I think of?

"If I take off my shoe I'm going to find half of Africa's water supply." Josh groans from beside me, making funny squelching with his shoes. I laugh.

"You know tomorrow we are going to have to go to school in still damp shoes because these things are never going to dry."

Josh gives a pitiful fake sob at me before grinning.

The bus drops me off at my house before Josh, always. He lives in a nicer part of town them me that gets picked up first and dropped off last, he has about 15 more minutes without me. As I step off I wave him goodbye, splashing out into the rain again.

I take my time to walk from my stop, up the lane and to my front door. It feels nice. I like this feeling. It feels surreal again and I cannot tell whether this niceness is just a feeling of numb bliss. Its okay. It is the weekend now. Nothing bad can happen.

There's a car in the driveway that isn't my mums as I approach. I tense up. But it is my dad that steps out. I relax again.

He has come to pick me up, it makes me happy that he remembered. Why wouldn't he remember?

Xavier?

I'm zoning out again.

Xavier what happened?

I smile and wave to him as I walk inside, getting ready to change and grab a bag before I leave.

Xavier it's important you talk to me, so I can understand.

It's no less then half an hour till I'm sat in the passenger seat beside my dad. He asks me how consuling is going. I tell him that I quit. He is disappointed. But he is not angry. I feel okay.

Xavier I'm trying to help you.

I pick up my phone.

Mona has texted me.

Xavier?