Oh My Mona

There's a difference between really hating someone and hating someone because it hurts to think about them. It's like my brain short circuits whenever I'm around her and suddenly I can't think, and then my hearts beating too loud in my ears and my palms start to sweat and then when I try to say something it just comes out nasty. Mona used to be my best friend for a while, back before life got complicated, before... everything. Now when I see her, it just aches.

We used to sit on the wall outside my house and catch the damselflies in summer, laughing and jumping about in the piles of rakes leaves in autumn. She was my best friend. I haven't been her friend for a while. And though I have no idea why, she avoids me in the halls, she hides away in her room when my family visit her in the holidays, she just stopped knowing me. I like to think we both just grew apart: it makes it hurt a little less.

I stare down into my drink, zoned out. I blink a few times remembering where I am. This is Josh's place, I'm in his kitchen. It takes me a second to ground myself, looking around and letting the noise around me wash over me. It's a calamity party, Josh usually hosts one at the end of every term, he's Mr Party to the younger years and fuck me it hasn't been this crowded in his house for months.

I take a gulp of my drink which I instantly regret because it's mainly vodka and tastes like shit but it's a sure fire way to get tipsy fast, then I push into the heaving mass of bodies in the hall. It's like a fight to get into his living room which is massive by the way because I swear to god Josh is minted as fuck and he lives a perfect life. I try not to hate him for it but sometimes it's hard.

Someone shouts my name over the music that's blaring out the speakers and I look around to try and find the source. Josh shoves through the crowd, his hair dripping with either drink or sweat but it looks a bit foul, the heat of the room seems to cling to us both, forcing its way down my throat and sticking to my skin. He seems high though or calamity parties made him high, such an adrenalin chaser Josh was.

I frown at him, "What?" In return, Josh yells something back over the next song which people are already screaming too and I have to grab him by the collar of his shirt and shout next to his ear so he'll hear me, "WHAT IS IT?" He winces up at me. "JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE ENJOYING IT-" there's an awkward pause before he yanks me down to his eye level again and yells "I THINK CHARLIE IS HERE SO YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH YOUR DRINKS AND BE A GOOD MAN AND DON'T LET ANY OF THE GIRLS GO WITH HIM!" I nod at him and just as I turn away, he gets swept away in the thrum of bodies. How in the holy hell was anyone supposed to enjoy this.

I made my way, or rather fought against the tide which was desperately trying to drown me and managed to get into the main hallway where it was a little less packed. A few girls reached out to grab me but I pulled away, uninterested in them, the vodka hadn't done much but put me in a bad mood. I turned to get into the conservatory but found myself instead walking into someone- shit. "My bad" I mumbled, looking up, and fuck, all my common sense just fell right out my fucking ass. Mona took a step back and gave me a look that I couldn't tell was a glare or a glance, it didn't matter. She was looking at me.

"Oh, no sorry it's alright." There was a pause and I was watching her lips. Xavier don't watch her lips that's creepy. I looked back up and tried to focus on her eyes but I either must've come off as a complete weirdo or I just blanked everything she just said because her eyebrows creased the way they do when she's frustrated or confused and she tilted her head. Xavier stop reading so much into it; say something funny and lighten the mood. "It's fine." Well shit that wasn't funny was it.

I opened my mouth to say something else but the words wouldn't come. What could I say at a time like this? I couldn't exactly just say, hey Mona why have you been ignoring me for the past 13 months, is it because I tired to kiss you on new years eve because if it was I am so fucking sorry and I wake up in the morning and regret that and I swear id rip my heart out if you asked- no I can not say that. Instead, the next logical thing to come out my mouth was a thought of concern "What are you doing here?" it came out more... aggressive then I intended and for a moment I recoiled at my own words. If my body could stop trying to self sabotage that would be great right about now.

Mona shuffled on her feet, and shrugged. Okay she still doesn't want to speak to me. "There's a guy here called Charlie to watch out for but if you need anything," I tried to give her a smile but it didn't come easy "you can come and find me." There was a second of silence before I chickened out and added onto the end "But it's a party do whatever, just don't die or anything." Way to go me you grumpy bastard, real ladies man aren't you?

Mona, to my surprise actually looked up at me and smiled, and I fucking melted. If I could've disintegrated into the floor I would have at the way her eyes crinkled up as she smiled, her dark hair falling forwards slightly. For a second I dared to skim what she was wearing which was a horrible idea because there was a  red plunging neckli- and I'm stopped looking right about there. My favourite colour was red, why was she wearing my favourite colour? Only now I realised I had been standing in her way to the main hallway this entire time and I could feel the blood rushing right to my face, perfect.

Awkwardly, I moved to the side mumbling a quick sorry and Mona passed me, her shoulder brushing against me and she carried on down the hall. I turned to watch her in the least creepy way possible because I just couldn't take my eyes off her, it hurt to look away. How can it hurt to look away from someone? I don't know but it just did, it was like looking at the sun, so blindingly hot but when you looked away your eyes missed the pain of seeing it. Or perhaps it was like staring at a fire expect the fire was Mona and I think the vodka was getting to me now.

I spend the rest of the party in a half drunken blur. Or that was until I clumsily made my way towards the kitchen to find myself another drink and I saw what could have been described as a sobering sight. Charlie, everyone knows who Charlie is, he's the older guy that hangs around when the first years are at the parties, the guy who nobody is really sure whether he is banned from the school zone or not. The blood rushed right from my dick into my head in that instant that I stood in the doorway of the kitchen and between the crowd I saw Charlie fucking flannel shirt and all leaning over Mona. And I swear to god I saw him touch her cheek.

Im shoving through the mass of people before I even realise what's happening; I can see them talking, I hate that they are talking. Does she like it? Is she smiling? I don't even want to look-  Everywhere is too hot, the room, the air, the entire house. He is leaning over her, arm resting against the wall, the other lazily at his side. That blonde little bitch. But I'm closer now and even though I'm a little more in control of my thoughts I can tell Mona wants to get the hell out of there, she's pressed up against the wall as far as she can go, practically trying to melt into it. You know what, i bet his breath smells foul.

Out of pure chance, Mona glances up for a moment and I can tell she sees me before she calls my name instantly. Hearing my name out her mouth almost makes my knees buckle and land flat on my face as I stalk the fuck over in the most menacing manner possible. Someone looks up infront of me and slides out my way, I assume because I look furious. Charlie looks up. And I see that shit eating grin he always has on his face. I walk over and then I don't even wait to acquainted my fist and his face, lunging forward to strangle the living shit out of him. Is what i would've done if he wasn't older and larger then me. Instead I walk over, crossing my arms and give him the most deadpan glare ever, the type of look that says your penis is shriveled and I'm going to rip it off your corpse.

"And who might you be?" God even his voice sounds like the snake he is, grossly slippery. Mona starts to speak but this man has the audacity to shush her, giving her a glare and then turning to me. I straighten up, I'm not exaclty short, infact I like to pride myself that I am actually 6 foot but this guy had an extra two inches on me but I was tall enough to more of less look him dead in the eyes. "Her boyfriend." The words come far easier then I imagined and my heart skips a beat as I say it but it comes out bitter and full of salt. I dare to steal a glance at Mona who looks terrified and also looks like she might be going into shock, fuck i have to end this quick so I can make sure she's okay.

Charlie eyes me up and down, practically fucking me through my clothes then tuts. "Boyfriend huh? Real piece of work you are." Venomous and cold. He turns before I can even snap out a reply and melds into the crowd like the stupid piece of playdough he is.

All my attention turns to Mona, looking over her, checking for harm. I want to reach out and touch her, to check if she's okay but when I look around people are looking at me and Mona looks a little shy of furious. Oh I fucked up. She grabs my hand and yanks me out the kitchen after her, pulling me through the house and out the back sliding doors into Josh's garden. The touch would've been endearing to me if she wasn't physically fuming at me; and just like that I mess up again. I can barely pull myself into some semblance of a man around her, she just makes me crumble. And I let her. But then she's stopping us in the garden and she spins on me and the first thing that comes out her mouth is "What the actual fuck." It's not thank you for saving me from a predator Xavier what a kinda man you are. Nope, its fuck you.

My mouth is dry and I'm looking at her lips again. I'm pretty sure i open and close my mouth a few times like a goldfish. "Why on earth, would you *ever* say you are my boyfriend!"

Again I open my mouth to try and reply but I'm cut off again as Mona speaks again. I can't tell wheather she's talking too me or at me anymore. "Especially in front of of many people. Oh my god, what in the fucking world were you thinking, you didnt even see the look Jessica gave me whilst you and that rando where having a pissing contest!" She paused and takes a deep breath. "Do you know how I'm going to have to explain to everyone I'm not dating you- oh my god this is a disaster how-" she stops. I can see the clogs turning in her head, the familiar furrow in her brows that she always gets when she's thinking.

I take the time to apologise, "I'm Sorry Mona-" she puts her hand up to silence me and I shut my mouth. I can't tell whether it's attractive or not that she can shut me up just like that. She crosses her arms. Then she uncrosses them. She crosses them again then looks at me. "You may be the stupidest idiot in the history of ever but I think I have an idea how to get me out of this mess without making me look like some fool who can't take care of herself and well, it make you look however you usually look," she gestures a hand at me, looking me up and down. "Do I at least look sexy?" Holy yes, Xavier you came up with something that didn't make you sound like you have just been eating rocks, way to go me.

She glances at me then looks away. Is that a signal? Is that a yes? Oh god is it a no? Wait am I being like Charlie? Why are girls hard?

It's like trying to please a cat because you have no idea what they want and they never tell you what it is straight. I'd spend all my time figuring out what Mona wanted if I could, I want to please her. I want her to like me. Mona was a language I knew how to read but I'd forgotten how to speak, I knew every curve of her letters and how to string sentences together, how to read between the lines she wasn't saying and yet. In the  years we had grown apart, I think she had forgotten me almost as much as I had forgotten her. My chest began to ache a little then, being with her reopened a wound that had never fully shut.

When could I just speak to her- there were so many things I had to say but I could not find the words to do so, they became lodged in my throat and try as I might I could not say them. Oh Mona. I'm sorry. I wanted to cry then, hot and angry tears but I would not let them come. "Xavier your going to pretend to be my boyfriend for a few weeks, and then I'm going to dump you. And we are going to get out of this mess,"

I only half heard her as I was looking at her. She was so pretty. "Xavier." She snapped her fingers in front of me and I blinked, looking at her. "Sorry yes, that's fine I can- you can just text me the details I-" the words died in my mouth. We stood there for a moment, deep breaths mingling in the air. And then she left, disappearing into the party without so much as a goodbye.

Josh found me in his bathroom a little while later, vomiting into his toilet. Maybe I was overwhelmed and the alcohol had made me dizzy, maybe I was just sick. He called a cab for me and helped me set myself straight, sending me home and away from the calamity party with a pat on the back.

I cried myself to sleep that night, until my throat was raw and my eyes puffy and swollen. It hurt, everything hurt and I wanted to hate, I wanted to hate everything but try as I might, I could not hate her. And it hurt. It hurt that I wanted someone so badly, that I felt so fucking lonely without her, I wanted to lie on the grass with her and tell her about my day and listen to her voice for hours. I wanted and I wanted and I wanted so much it hurt.