Medication
Beth and Viv facetime at least once a day ever since Viv had gone to City. Sometimes, because of late fixtures, Champions League nights or international games, they don't get to talk everyday. But not a single day goes by without them at least texting each other. That's why Viv finds it so weird that Beth hasn't replied to last night's good night text or this morning's good morning text. She's a bit worried, really, just about ready to call Leah or Steph until she receives a text around 11AM as she's taking her water break during rehab.
From Beth ❤️: Hi baby, morning! Sorry I've not replied. We'll talk later 🥰
To Beth: Hey lief, good morning. We'll talk later baby, have a good day ❤️
Viv can breathe a bit better now, but the anxiety still lingers throughout the day. She knows something happened and that's why Beth’s taken some distance, knows Beth used the emoji to put her at ease but not because she's feeling peppy. Beth hates when people see through her, and Viv does. She probably didn't want to show she wasn't doing okay. Was it a hard day? A bad session with Nathalie? A bad day at Arsenal?
During lunchtime at City, Jill gives her skeptical looks from across the table, noticing Viv’s elevated anxiety. Jill knows she's in her head. She's always known, ever since they were little kids. Jill drops the skepticism when she notices just how stressed Viv seems to be and gives her a reassuring smile from across the table. Later, she squeezes her shoulder and whispers an “I'm here if you want to talk,” which Viv is extremely grateful for. Viv would talk to Jill, but she feels she's abused her kindness too much since she's come to City. Logically, she knows Jill is her friend, her good friend, and wants to be there for her. But Viv isn't feeling too logical today, and so she remains quiet.
After she gets home, she tries everything to distract herself. She deep-cleans her flat, getting to the forgotten corners and crevices she’s sure haven’t been cleaned since the existence of the apartment. She even gets down on her knees to scrub for a little while, which she immediately regrets because her back and knees ache afterwards. Ironically though, she is happy her back ends up hurting more than her knees do. Later, she cooks dinner for herself, making sure to leave enough leftovers for the next day, and sits down at the kitchen aisle, forcing herself to eat.
It’s nearing 7 PM, the usual time of their calls, and at this point, she's vibrating with anxiety. She texts Beth and asks her to initiate the call whenever she’s ready. When Beth rings her a few minutes later, she pretends not to have been sitting on the couch awaiting the call, but rather watching the highlights of the men's Premier League games, which she deliberately puts on to sell the image. Beth is the first one to speak, seemingly in a good mood.
“Hiyya Vivi,” she says.
“Hey lieverd,” Viv says lovingly.
“I just got home and look, someone wants to say hi. Say hi to your mama, Myle!” Beth cheers.
From what Viv can tell, she's bent over to Myle's height, kissing Myle all over while Myle is up on her two legs trying to lick Beth's face.
“Say “hi mama!” Beth says pointedly, and Myle barks. “See that Vivi? Myle says hi!”
“Hi baby girl!” Viv coos. “Beth, flip the camera, I can't see her well!”
“Had enough of me already?” Beth jokes, pretending to be offended.
Viv raises her eyebrows and gives her a look. “I want to see our child, please.”
“I see how it is,” Beth says, pretending to roll her eyes, but she flips the camera to show Viv their baby anyway. Viv sees Myle wiggle her bum, still happy about the arrival of her mummy. Then Myle trots over to her water bowl and drinks water.
“Ugh, I just love her little drinking sounds,” Viv says.
“Weirdo,” Beth says, even though she loves them too.
“Did you just get home?” Viv asks.
“Yeah, I ran a few errands after training and had an early dinner with Steph. You?”
“Nee, I've been here since training finished, so around 2:30-3:00 ish? Did some cleaning,” Viv says.
Beth raises an eyebrow at the mention of cleaning, and Viv is offended.
“Don't give me that look, I clean! You're the one who'd rather not!”
“Just because I'm not obsessive like you doesn't mean I don't clean!” Beth exclaims.
“Oh really? Show me the sink then,” Viv says. Beth proudly walks over to the sink and flips the camera to show that there is only a dirty glass inside. “See?”
“Hmm, I'm impressed, lieverd,” Viv says. At first, Beth was driven crazy at how Viv washed the dishes immediately after any meal was finished. Beth was never be able to cuddle Viv after breakfast, or any of their meals, really, because Viv insisted one of them wash the dishes immediately. Now, the habit has stuck to her too.
They go on to speak about their days a little, Viv asking Beth about training and Beth asking Viv how her knee feels, but they can only talk about football for so long.
“What errands were you running?” Viv asks, and she can see Beth's mood and body language shift at the question. Beth pauses for half a minute before she speaks again.
“I have something to tell you,” Beth says with hesitation.
“Ok?” Viv says gently.
“Imtakingmedications,” she says in one huffed breath.
Viv raises her eyebrows. “What was that?”
“Ugh I can't say it out loud. Why is this so hard to say? Hold up, I'll text it to you Vivi”
If possible, Viv’s eyebrows raise even more, a little skeptical.
Viv's phone then buzzes with a text message from Beth, and being the grandma she is, it takes her a few seconds to momentarily exit the Face Time and read the text message, which she does so aloud, reading the words to herself.
“I'm taking medications for my…condition. I have a diagnosis.” For a brief moment, she is frustrated with Beth for her inability to communicate and express her feelings, for her fear of confrontation. However, that quickly turns to understanding, and Viv’s heart swells with pride at how brave Beth is for telling her this.
“And what is that diagnosis, baby?” she prompts gently.
Beth doesn't say anything. Instead, Viv’s phone buzzes again with a new text message. “Dysthymia,” it reads.
“Mhm,” Viv hums.
“Mhm?!” Beth replies back. “What do you mean “mhm,” Vivi?”
Viv is deeply embarrassed about what she says next. “What is that baby?”
“Dysthymia?” Beth asks back.
“Mhm,” Viv hums.
Beth seems a little bit more at ease now, but still finds it difficult to speak. “Well, I didn't know what it was either,” she says with a laugh. Viv smiles at her. “Nathalie explained it to me, and it's like depression, but a milder one that's more persistent?” she says. Viv nods in reply. “It's apparently consistent with the way I'm feeling now and have felt for a long time,” Beth says.
“You've felt like this for a while, huh?” Viv confirms.
Beth stays quiet for a beat. “Yeah, I guess,” she replies with a sad laugh.
“I’m sorry lief,” Viv says.
“Not your fault, Vivi.”
They stay silent together, staring at one another on the screen. For a while, they stay that way. Viv isn't exactly sure what to say. Part of her feels guilty for not getting help to Beth sooner, for not putting the dots together, for being away from Beth. She knows not to offer condolences for the diagnosis Beth has obtained because the diagnosis is just a technical explanation for the way Beth feels, and has nothing to do with her as a person. She knows that from her own labels. In the end, she just asks: “How do you feel about it?”
“The diagnosis?” Beth confirms.
“Mhm,” Viv hums.
“I don't know,” Beth says. “Surprised? I didn't think it was this bad. I feel like I'm exaggerating somehow.” Viv begins to open her mouth to tell her otherwise, but Beth interrupts before she can say anything. “I know I'm technically not, but I can't help but feel I'm somehow blowing this out of proportion? Surely there's people who are worse.” Now Viv really wants to say something, but Beth continues. “At the same time though, I'm grateful there's an explanation to how I'm feeling.”
Viv smiles and nods at Beth. She understands.
“Is that the errand you did today? Pick up your medication?”
“Yes,” Beth says. Then, she flips the camera to show her prescription. “Tadah!” Beth exclaims. “Here she is!”
“She?” Viv asks, a little astonished.
“Mhm,” Beth hums. “I've decided the name Celexa sounds like a girl, don't you think?”
Viv laughs loudly. “I think it's good I sent you to a shrink!” she jokes.
Beth laughs. “Vivi! You're not allowed to make those kinds of jokes yet!”
“Sorry lieverd,” Viv says lovingly. Before Beth can flip the camera back around, Viv is quick to write down the name of the medication in her notes so she can research it later, along with the diagnosis.
“Look who came for some night cuddles!” Beth says, showing Myle next to her and changing the subject. Viv laughs in reply.
Beth pets Myle and gives her kisses, telling her that some are from her mama in Manchester.
Viv just stares at her. “I'm so proud of you Beth,” she says. This catches Beth off guard, who has had enough of chatting about the subject for the night. Still, she smiles at Viv, and says “thank you Vivi. Couldn't have been able to get help without you. Or “wouldn't have”, is more accurate, I guess,” she says with a half smile.
“Will always help you,” Viv replies.
They chat a while longer, getting into their pajamas together, brushing their teeth together, washing their face and finally, getting into bed. Viv cuddles Flip into her arm.
“Hey! I don't like him receiving all the cuddles!” Beth says.
“You have Myle!” Viv protests.
At some point, Viv drifts off. Beth has always been jealous of her sleeping abilities. It takes her a little longer, but eventually, staring at Viv's sleeping form, she falls asleep too.