Chapter 1
It's Laura who mentions she's worried about Beth first. It's not like Viv doesn't know. She sees that Beth is different: more deflated, withdrawn, smiling for others but not because she's truly happy. She could see that Beth was in pain. But between her recent surgery and rehab, Beth being at national camp or with Arsenal full time, and her having to go back to Manchester before the end of the year, Viv has been unable to spend much time with Beth, let alone talk to her. And she's not wanted to delve into this over the phone. She knows how hard it is for Beth to speak about what she feels inside.
Today though, she's bustling with anxiety, and can't put off talking to Beth any longer, especially after speaking to Laura on the phone. She needs for Beth to let her in, she needs for Beth to share some of the burden she's feeling with her, she needs to make it better.
So after she's done with her daily rehab at City, she hops on the early afternoon train to London. She's not supposed to meet Beth until Friday, it is only Wednesday, but she can't wait any longer. She doesn't care that she has to take the train early the next morning to return to Manchester for her Thursday morning rehab.
She feels nauseous the entire train ride, bouncing her leg up and down. The thought of Beth being unhappy makes her physically sick.
She orders an Uber once she's off the train and heads to their home. She is greeted by an ecstatic Myle, who wiggles her bum and jumps up and down on Viv, putting her more at ease instantly. She greets her baby and feeds her lunch.
It is almost 4 PM, and Beth should be back from training soon. She doesn't know if she should text Beth and tell her she's home or not. She decides not to, and resorts to making tea and pacing around the kitchen instead, Myle in tow. At some point, she hears Beth's car entering the driveway, followed by her keys turning in the lock. Myle runs to the door and hops on her mum's legs. Beth greets Myle with a smile and loving pet names, and in that moment, Viv is so happy that she insisted Myle stay with Beth in London. Only when Myle drops from Beth's legs does Beth notice Viv sitting on the couch.
“Vivi!” she exclaims, dropping her bag to the side and running into Viv’s open arms.
“Lieverd,” Viv says softly, inhaling Beth's chamomile shampoo and holding her close to her chest.
After a minute or two of taking each other in, they part, looking at one another. Viv is suddenly flooded with an immense sense of love, mixed with sickening worry at the same time.
“What’re you doing here my Vivi?” Beth asks.
“Just missed you, that’s all,” Viv replies, pulling Beth into her side for a side-hug.
“Mhmm, missed you too, so glad you’re here,” Beth replies.
Viv pulls the two of them to the couch, and for a long time, they just cuddle, holding each other close, taking each other's scents, tracing their hands all over each other. Viv could never get tired of this.
After a while, Beth pulls away from Viv, looking at her.
“When did you get here?”
“Around 3:30?” she says.
“Mhm. Did you eat?” Beth asks.
“Mmm, not yet, not really hungry.”
Beth doesn't like that answer, but doesnt say anything.
“How was training?” Viv asks.
“‘T'was good, a little tiring. How was rehab?”
“Good,” Viv says, smiling down at her. “Feeling a bit stronger each day, I’m trying not to be as scared anymore, you know?”
“Good. I'm proud of you,” Beth mumbles into Viv’s chest.
“And I’m proud of you,” Viv says, kissing the side of Beth's head. They stay intertwined for a beat longer, when Viv finally finds the courage to speak to Beth. She doesn't want to be accusatory, doesn't want Beth to feel like it's bad that she isn't okay, that she's mad at her. She doesn't want Beth to close off immediately. So while they're still in an embrace Viv speaks.
“You’re sad,” she says, not as a question, but more as a matter of fact.
It takes Beth off guard, and she shifts in Vivs arms, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. She doesn't say anything back.
“Baby?” Viv says gently.
“What?” she says angrily, her tone elevated.
“I want you to talk to me, life.”
“So is that why you came here? Because I'm depressed?” Beth says defensively.
“So you admit you're feeling depressed?”
“God Viv, could you be any cruder?”
“I know this is hard for you Beth, but I'm worried about you baby, and I'm not the only one. I can see that you're not happy,” Viv says.
At this point Beth pulls away from Viv’s embrace and sits up on the couch, shifting away from Viv.
“I love you Beth. I'm your partner, and that doesn't apply only to when times are good. I want you to feel like you can talk to me when you're not feeling well. I want to be there for you. Let me be there for you Beth,” pleads Viv.
“But you're not here, Vivi! You're not!”
Viv sighs, pained.
“You want me to talk to you? You want me to say how I feel? I don't know how I feel!” Beth is properly shouting by now.
“I don't know why I feel shit all the time! Nothing horribles happened and I feel shit!”
“But things have happened, Beth. We did our ACL’s, you lost your mom, I left. You guys have had a tough start to the season, and people online have been horrible to you. It's okay if it's too much. And even if nothings happened, it's still okay to feel sad”
Beth stops shouting then, but she's also not made any efforts to move closer to Viv.
“What are you feeling baby?”
“I told you I don't know, Viv”
“Do you feel sad, angry, numb? Lonely, drained, anxious?”
“Viv. Drop it.”
“I'm not going to drop it Beth! Talk to me!”
“I feel drained, ok! I feel sad and numb and unhappy and I don't even know why, and I don't want to do anything about it!” she shouts some more. Then, deflated “I'm just so tired, Viv. I care about things, but at the same time I don't care about them anymore”
Viv listens, tears gleaming in her eyes.
“Then we do something about it, baby. We work towards you feeling better. We work towards you finding joy in life again.”
“Do you want me to see a shrink then?” says Beth, tone accusatory.
“Yes Beth, I want you to see someone professional. I will always be there for you, but I'm not a professional.”
“You know I don't do shrinks Viv. I can't talk about my feelings,” she says exasperated
“But you can talk about your feelings, Beth. And you don't have to talk to your therapist about them all the time. You can just tell them about your day, or a new recipe you tried, or your favorite show, or anything. You don't have to talk about your emotions all the time. You just need to accept a helping hand, someone that will listen who isn't directly in your life.”
“I don't know if I want to, Viv.”
“I know, baby. I know how hard it is. But it's nothing to be ashamed of, needing a little help. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, or that you need fixing. This is a rough patch, and we'll get through it. However long it takes. And I'll be here as much as I can. And I'm always here,” Viv says, putting her index finger on Beth's heart.
“I don't know how to get better,” Beth says in a broken voice.
“Baby,” Viv sighs. “You don't have to. We'll figure it out as we go, together.”
“Together,” Beth mumbles back to Viv.
“Now come back here,” Viv says, motioning for Beth to come back to her side.
“Ik hou van jou,” Viv whispers, kissing Beth on the head.
“Ik hou van jou,” Beth echoes.
They stay on the couch together until 6:30 PM, when Viv’s stomach starts rumbling, earning a laugh from Beth.
“Hungry, Vivi?” she asks, tilting her head.
“Yes…,” Viv replies sheepishly. “What do you want me to make?” Viv asks.
“Mhm, how about some curry?”
“You read my mind.”
Beth sits on the kitchen counter while Viv prepares dinner for them, tasting the sauces and rice and naan that Viv gives her on a spoon, and then they eat together.
“You're going back to Manchester tomorrow?” she asks, even though it sounds more like a statement.
Viv sighs. “I have to,” she says, not pleased. “But I'll be back Friday afternoon, and we'll be together until Sunday night. And it's not long till the holidays, and then we'll be together every day”
“Gonna miss you so much,” Beth says.
“Gonna miss you too, Lievard.”
“What are we going to do?” asks Beth after a while.
“We'll look for a therapist you like and feel comfortable with. We'll listen to what she has to say. You'll see her for as long as you need to. And we'll figure it out together. So many people care about you, Beth. Some of the girls called worried about you. There's people in your corner. You’re deeply loved. And we're not letting you go.”
Beth smiles half heartedly, tears springing to her eyes, and moves her chair next to Vivs, resting her head on her shoulder.
“Back to the couch?” asks Viv. Beth nods. Viv leads them to the couch, where they cuddle and promptly fall asleep.