1:48 am
They’re all just a tangle of messy limbs and bed sheets. James’ glasses are somewhere on the floor and lily’s hands are across his chest, splayed like she wants to hold as much of him as possible. His fingers twirl through her hair as they both sleep, soundly and restlessly all at once. They are one being in this moment, collapsed bodies pressing against each other in the hopes of escaping the war. But even in dreams, it haunts them.
Lily dreams of Marlene, those bright blue eyes, the girl who loved strawberry milkshakes and the best friend who has left a black hole in her wake. But something within her remembers that she can feel James beside her and it feels a little less awful. James dreams of harry and lily and making cakes with Pete. Remus reading him bedtime stories and telling him about wizarding history that James never bothered to study. Sirius bringing him things from the joke shop and hoping lily won’t notice. The life they could have if the war wasn’t real. He dreams of firing a curse and watching lord Voldemort drop dead. He dreams of his family finally being safe.
And harry, asleep in the next room, has no idea of his parent’s thoughts. Harry, little and innocent, unmarked, dreams of the toy broomstick and chasing cats.
3:14 am
Lily wakes up with a start. Marlene’s face is seared across her dreams, haunting her. Maybe she could have saved her, somehow. But maybe it doesn’t matter. Lily still remembers the last thing Marlene said to her.
Love harry and James with everything you have, Lil, even though that comes easily. Love them as much as I love you.
Although, that’s a lie. The last thing Marlene said to her was give me the scone recipe sometime! But somehow, the reminder of loving was more prominent.
She wanders into Harry’s room, because it’s where she always goes when she can’t sleep. Harry is her reminder. The star among all these collapsing solar systems, harry is still there, growing and living and he’s happy. And he makes everything feel less broken, more new. He breathes softly, contently, and his leg twitches in his sleep and lily’s lip quirks in amusement. She often has to stop and remember that she made this. The fact that she could play a role in something so pure and perfect is what helps her believe that it will all be okay in the end. She wonders what evil would want to destroy such an innocent and beautiful little life. And she promises herself that she will do everything to protect that life.
James appears next to her, messy hair and glasses haphazardly skewed across his face, and a kiss is messily placed on her shoulder.
“It’ll be okay, Lil.” He mumbles sleepily, wearily.
“How do you know?” Her voice is wearier still.
“I don’t. I just have to trust it will be.”
“I trust you.”
They giggle again as harry hiccups and mumbles a sound that sounds like cat! And the numbness stops for a while. 3 am is when they remember just why winning the war is so important.
5:24 am.
James is always awake before the sun now. He doesn’t know how to stop being weary. How to stop thinking about how this house is just a façade and he doesn’t want to hide anymore he wants to fight. But he can’t for lily, for harry, keep them safe.
The kettle is boiling over the stove, because James finds the muggle way more calming. His hands are splayed over the kitchen sink while he waits. Every morning, this gut wrenching, awful feeling of not enough sleep, too much worry, his bruised knuckles from where he broke the mirror because he just wants to see Sirius but he can’t… every morning he breathes until it subsides.
He never wakes lily up when he gets up. She barely sleeps anymore anyway. Neither of them does, but she dreams of Marlene and petunia, who has a son Harry’s age, so often that she would rather never sleep. She’d rather keep harry safe all night.
He doesn’t know how to do this anymore.
Then lily is downstairs with his shirt on, wedding ring glinting in the sunrise, because she is the sunrise, hair frizzy, and she looks weary but she’s beautiful. She falls into his arms and messily kisses him with morning breath because she knows he’s already got her mug out and the coffee beans are on the bench.
And he remembers why he does this.
Because lily is the sunrise and harry is the sun and the stars and their family is hope.
Because one day this war will end and they will see Sirius and Remus again and Pete will look less sad, will come around often again.
Harry makes a sound from upstairs and James and lily share a look.
“He can’t be up already.” She sounds both tired and incredulous.
“It’s your turn.”
“I’m putting him back to sleep, Potter. I love him but I need coffee first.”
“You can’t call me potter anymore, Evans.” He says it with a smirk on his face.
“I call you that just to hear it. To remind you that you can’t call me Evans anymore either.” She pokes him gently in the gut.
“Touché.”
“I can still call you tosser though.” They both have to giggle at that.
Lily trudges up the stairs to put harry back to bed, and life is okay.
9:32 am
Harry’s breakfast has ended up more on the table than in his mouth, but it’s a work in progress. He bounces on his high chair happily, and lily wipes his mouth and flicks her wand to clear the mess around him. James is humming something by led zeppelin as it plays on their muggle record player as he does the dishes. He glances at the sky from the window and runs a hand through his hair absentmindedly. He’d do anything to be out there with a broom right now.
As lily places harry on her hip to take him into the sitting room, she gives him a look. She knows he wants to be out there, hang out with Sirius and all of it. And she’d let him if it was up to her. And she wishes more than anything that they didn’t have to live like going anywhere was a risk (because it is.) but she doesn’t say anything about it. Instead she says “babe, have you fed the cat?”
He shakes his head flicks his wand. Cat food goes pouring into the cat bowl, and a fluffy ginger thing comes bounding down the stairs, past Harry’s outstretched arms, and straight for the food. Lily chuckles softly. “Sorry harry. He loves food more than anything.”
She sets him down and James follows the troublesome toddler into the sitting room, straight for the toy broomstick.
12:19pm.
She goes upstairs and writes some letters. She doesn’t know why she does it anymore. She’s decided it’s just to keep herself sane.
She writes to moony.
I finished To Kill a Mockingbird again and it’s as amazing as last time. I still think of you every time I look at the cover. I miss you.
She writes to wormtail.
I tried out the cookies recipe and harry loved it. He also quite enjoyed the Bertie Botts you left for him. Why have you been so quiet? I miss you.
She writes to Alice.
How’s frank and Neville? He’s Harry’s birthday twin, you know. God I miss you. How are things?
She writes to Sirius.
Harry still loves his toy broomstick. I miss you, you twat.
And she writes to Marlene.
Where did you go? How are you just gone? Why do I still cry when I hear Hey Jude because I know it was your favourite song? I still remember everything about you and I remember the last thing you said to me and I remember how beautiful our friendship was. How important it is. It’s not fair how are you just gone? Fuck, Mar.
I miss you.
She doesn’t send any of them.
Instead, she goes downstairs, lets James hold her for a bit, and lets the tears fall. Then, Lily holds his hand and lingers for a moment before picking Harry up for a hug while she butters his sandwiches. James puts ZZ Top on on the record player and hums along like an idiot. Life feels a little better.
2:13 pm
Harry’s staring wide-eyed at the old TV as he eats his biscuits. His eyes brim with wonder and Lily and James can only smile at each other as they watch him dribble happily. What a happy little mess. As his TV program finishes, Lily picks him up, and he already looks a little sleepy and very content.
“Nap time for you, mister.” She’s patting his back gently and the toddler curls into her. As she’s tucking him in she mumbles a wizarding lullaby that James taught her, and harries drifts off before she’s finished the song.
Smiling again, she heads back downstairs, picking up and cuddling the cat as she does.
4:23pm
“Lil, I think it’s Halloween,”
James whispers as they get harry up again after his nap. Harry is tumbling down the stairs in delight, chasing after the cat. Lily blows hair out of her face and sighs.
“Yes. I’m not feeling too festive. Have we got any sweets for the kids?”
“I’ll see what I can find.”
They set out a handy stash by the front door with a sign that says please take one J
Harry is munching a biscuit while he looks at the TV now. He points.
“C-Cat!!”
Lily smiles deeply.
“Yes, harry! Cat!”
“Our cat?”
James smiles too,
“Nah, Kiddo. This is our cat.” He places the ginger fluff in front of Harry and pets him gently, and Harry follows suit.
“There you go, Harry! He likes you now!” Lily winces at James as she says it, and they both laugh.
Harry turns his attention to the TV again, and the cat scrambles away. None of them know what’s going to happen. They’re all okay.
1:42 am
They finally fall asleep in a tangle mess of limbs, just like the night before. But Harry’s cries sound through the house, unsettling them both. Lily blinks back sleep and pushes the covers off herself, without hesitation. Something doesn’t seem right.
James sticks a hand out from under the covers as lily makes for the door, a strange feeling in her chest. The same one that pulsed through her body when she heard the prophecy.
“I’ll come help.” He says softly.
“James its 1am.”
“Yes, are you ok?”
“Something doesn’t feel right.” Her hands are at her neck and her hair is frizzy, her arm hairs standing on end. James gets out of bed and looks at her, hands on her cheeks.
“Breathe Lil. It’s ok. Let’s go check on him together.” She holds his hand.
Harry looks as unsettled as Lil is when they reach him, alert and restless. Lily picks him up with slightly shaky fingers, regaining her strength as soon as he’s in her arms.
What’s wrong baby boy? She strokes his hair softly as she bounces him. He stops crying but looks anxious even then.
“It’s okay, mate. It’s okay! Let’s go downstairs and see if we can get you some milk.
He leaves his wand in his room.
Harry looks happy as soon as a bottle of milk is in his hands. He sucks on it happily and ceases to look anxious. Lily’s own anxiety subsides as she holds him. James joins their embrace, his forehead touching Lil’s. Maybe it was just some paranoia. It’s all fine.
“Just some Halloween spooks I suspect.” Lily laughs to Harry and James, softly.
The gate creaks open. James’ ear pricks and the pang of panic goes through his chest again. The moment is gone.
“Wha was that?” Harry mumbles, barely speaking. James and Lily would have laughed at his words if the circumstances were different. He barely spoke.
There’s an eerily chill in the air as James takes a cautious step towards the front door, as Lily takes a step away from it.
All is quiet.
Lily can hear the breathing of everyone in the room.
And then a loud crash!
Neither have time to comprehend it, but they know what is happening.
He’s here.
“Lily, he’s here!! Take Harry and go!”
She doesn’t move, only shields harry.
He looks back at her. “Take Harry and go! I’ll hold him off!”
She tells him she loves him, but she’s so scared she forgets to say it out loud.
She’s running up the stairs, clutching Harry’s head to her chest, blood freezing into ice.
He doesn’t have a wand. And he’s facing down lord Voldemort knowing he’s going to die.
She chokes back a sob as she slams the door to Harry’s room.
His body drops to the floor. His last thought is peter.
Lily places harry into his cot, shaking, but compose herself. She will not die in fear. She will die protecting him.
“Harry, Harry, its okay, its okay. Be safe. Be Strong. Love well. Mummy loves you. Daddy loves you. You will be amazing.” She kisses the top of his head as the door comes open.
“Not harry! Please not harry!”
She begs, pleads, harry must live, harry is precious, harry is everything.
“Stand aside, you silly girl, stand aside now…” death will not be reasoned with, but lily potter is sure going to try.
“Not harry, please, no KILL ME INSTEAD!” She’s still fierce through tears, defying death and cold high voices beneath the cloak. Defying the devil himself for the sake of her son, for her husband’s legacy.
“This is my last warning.” But death has no mercy.
And yet still Lily Potter tries.
“NOT HARRY! Have mercy, please!”
“STAND ASIDE!”
And in a flash of green light, lily potter fell to the floor, thinking of nothing but her son.
(And her son would live to do her proud.)