Lisa looked to the door of Carla's flat mid packing up her coat popping her phone and other essentials into it as Ryan walked in on his phone. “ay know Daisy but i need tomorrow off. Please just sort something. I've got to get back to my auntie Carla tomorrow and make her see some sense. Look, do this and once she's home I'll do a double.”
She watched the man nodded to her mid conversation. What did he mean about Carla seeing some sense? She pondered the idea knowing how stubborn her girlfriend was regardless of sitting in the hospital where he had just left from and that she was heading to.
“Okay thanks. Bye…bye” the man Scoffed. “Women are tiring me out today. Are you heading off to see her?” The woman nodded as she stood at the breakfast bar at the kitchen side. “I am. Has she been giving you bother?” The man clicked his teeth in frustration. “Just the same ol’ stubbornness. Ry I'm not an invalid I can do that myself… bogger off I can do that…. Nah I don't need your help you can get that out of your head…I wish she'd just stop acting like she's okay and accept some flamin help once in a while.”
Lisa smiled softly thinking about the scenarios in her head almost. “You know she means well and wants to be as independent as possible. She'll be fighting off next that she is not dead yet and has lots of life left in her or something like that.” Lisa watched the man's eyes gloom over, “she might as well be if she doesn't let us get tested. I mean Bobby and I have flaming offered to her as we want to help her…” the man watched as the woman's eyes crystaled. she slowly put her hand up to him in a stop motion as she attempted to speak, trembling with utter shock..
“Stop…. tested? For what?” The man's eyes widened as he scrambled his thoughts together. “ehhhh… wait... what?? Lisa, have you not been told?”
The woman changed her full 5 finger hand to a finger. “Ryan. What do I need to be told that you know that I don't?” The man sketched back nervously to the temperament by the female copper. “I thought you knew about her kidney.”
Lisa looked to the male extremely hurt by the situation. What about her kidney? Why wasn't she told about anything other than the sepsis? What Is going on?
“What's happened?”
“Look, maybe you should ask Auntie Carla…”
“Ryan, if you do not tell me now so help yo…”
the man sighed, fear still not leaving his body. “Alright, the sepsis has damaged her kidney. Docs say the damage isn't good and she's gonna need to look at getting a new one via transplant…”
Lisa's brain shut off momentarily, it was as if she couldn't quite comprehend what she had just been told. What made it worse was she wasn't hearing about this from her actual girlfriend herself. She felt hurt and betrayed that she couldn't even let her know In the first place. Why couldn't she let her know? The woman was beside herself as she nervously looked to her hands trying not to burst into tears.
Fortunately for her Ryan noticed the woman's absolute devastation set upon her face as he patted the woman on the shoulder. “Lisa, there has to be a reason she hasn't told you yet. You know she's probably wanting to tell you in the best possible moment and just my big gub has now ruined it for her, which she's gonna kill me for. Talk to her, I bet she's planning on telling you tonight. See her out for it. I bet she had her reasons.”
The blonde woman didn't even look up to the man, instead nodded softly into herself as she grabbed her coat and legged it out of the flat. The woman felt almost dangerous on the drive down to the hospital, her mind so distracted and so overwhelmed with this new anchor of information to swallow. Lisa let a few tears of utter stress roll down her cheeks that she couldn't manage to control.
The feeling of potentially losing another partner, her body couldn't even comprehend it. she was still masking and taping up the broken parts of losing Becky and how to manage the ability to cope with it. she didn't even want to fathom the thought of losing Carla so quickly after finding her and this new supposed to be refreshing part of her life.
The chance to start again.
It almost seems cruel to her. It felt like she was being punished…
for finding companionship again…
for attempting to live life again…
for finding the chance to love…
Again.
She knew how much she had begun to feel alive. Carla had made her feel like she was a human being with so much love and care and joy. Now it felt like It was all being removed from her with the click of a set of fingers reminding her gratefully of how quickly everything changed when she lost Becky.
When she parked her car, the woman took a moment gripping the steering wheel. Her knuckles turned white from the locked clasp she had going on as she dangled her head taking a moment to breathe. The whole world swirling around her as the fuzzy feeling of the control she had the reins of normally bouncing about her head unrulingly.
The last thing the detective wanted to do was have a panic attack in the hospital car park but it was all becoming a bit too much for her the more her brain twisted and contorted each thought she kept having.
“Come on Lisa. Everything's okay.”
She began mumbling over and over almost in spite of the fact she knew nothing was okay in the moment. She wished she had someone there. Someone to ground her.
*Beep
The sound almost jumped the woman straight out of her head as she ruffled through her pocket of her coat to find it.
Ryan
I'm sorry. Especially if she did want to tell you tonight alone. I feel bad, please don't fret over it all auntie c will have had her reasonings. I care about both of you and I hope now that at least you know maybe you can get her to see some sense. She'll listen to you because she cares about what you think more than anyone.
She read the message over sighing as she gave her body the shake it needed to go back to moving again. Opening the door to the cold air hitting her face grounded the last few pieces of her stray thoughts back into mind again.
...
“Hi darling.” The cheerful voice appeared from the bed. As Lisa mustered a soft smile going over to her girlfriend giving her a short peck. “How's work, I nearly thought they had kept you overtime today again and I wasn't gonna get to see you tonight.” Lisa took a seat next to the woman sighing. “Sorry the traffic was a nightmare.” She muttered trying to cover up her moment in the carpark with a good enough excuse. To which the brunette nodded, not questioning much. “Work was work to be far. Not majorly important enough and would only bore you right out. Ryan told me you had a fun day of barging at him.”
Carla rolled her eyes giggling, “he never knows when to quit so he doesn't. Was trying to open my food packets for me like I'm a child. Bloomin swarm.” The brunette went on a soft speel of the day she had experienced with her visitors retelling any of the silly antidotes Ryan and Roy who had also popped down for a visit had been telling her all about.
The blonde listened intently to the hopes that bringing up Ryan would have maybe triggered off the conversation she was hoping for. She tried a few other ways not wanting to ask her outright but hoping that she could inch her way for the woman to reveal about the topic she now knew all about. Growing more and more impatient the frustration was building and bubbling up in her body.
Carla had paused for a moment taking a sip of water from her glass as she looked at the gloomy look in her girlfriends eyes that hadn't vanished from when she had entered. She knew there was something bothering her but yet she had been blabbering on due to her asking her questions when really the older woman wanted to dig deeper in other topics, bored of ramming on about her stupid, silly inconveniences of the day.
“Ey. You alright?” Carla spoke softly as she reached out, tossing the strand of Lisa's fringe in behind her ear. “You know if you can talk about it I'm always here. Right?” Carla watched as the blonde looked into her eyes with a stem of worry. “You'd tell me if there was something wrong?” Lisa muttered almost inaudibly. “Of course I would…. I've actually been meaning…”
“...Why didn't you tell me about your kidney?” The blonde let the words fly out of her mouth like a stream of water. The outburst stopped the brunette in her treks of talking as the devastation that someone had gotten before she could tell Lisa herself. the one thing she had been picking her mind apart on how to tell her. Now all of it hitting her like a ton of bricks.
“Who?” Lisa's eyebrow furrowed to the one worded answer with a question. “Does it matter? You didn't even answer me why? Why did I have to find out from someone else? Do you know how awful it is to find something like that out and not from the person themselves. And to answer you, Poor Ryan let it slip as he's also concerned for you.” The tiny blonde woman folded her arms in anger.
“Lise… Lise. Listen to me.” Carla reached her hand out, trying to make the smaller woman look at her as she placed her hand on her softly, noticing the complete devastation on her girlfriend's face. “I wanted to tell you, I've been struggling to find the best way too along with going with the fact that I'm terrified. I don't want it to be true. I was going to yesterday but you were so preoccupied and I didn't want to stress you out further when it was only a potential and today I've sat and pondered every way possible now knowing its a proper reality.”
“Carla, I've told you. I want to put you first before everything as you are the most important. Other less important things could have taken the backseat.” Carla sighed as she pinched the bridge of her nose with the hand not holding Lisa's. “This is the thing.” The woman mumbled, Lisa looking at her with sorrowed eyes as she saw the woman take a deep breath as almost like she was pondering how to speak and debate about what she was to say next.
“Look, I've done this before. The waiting game, the testing, the worrying, The fear of the surgery and everything in-between. It's time consuming, it's harrowing and damn is it not a good place to be in and deal with. especially how I watched my dad, Roy, Kate, Michelle… Aiden…” the woman gulped of her past and missing family members she had brought up almost as if they took the breathe clean out of her. “I watched them be burdened with my transplant issues and then my recovery. It's not pretty, or easy. Darn it nearly killed them watching me. Look Lisa, I can give you that way out. A completely no question needed a pass for you and Betsy. You've both already dealt with so much. You don't need this…”
“Why are you pushing me away?” Lisa spoke loudly. The brunette stopped in her tracks when she saw how upset the blonde got before she whispered, “I care too much about the both of you to have to see you hurt again by me. I'm giving you the opportunity to leave for a reason.” Carla watched as a tear leaked down Lisa's face.
“Don't you get it. I don't want to leave you. I love you Carla. Far too much to ever want to leave you.”
The whole room turned silent other the beeping monitors in the room. Lisa watched over Carla laid up in the bed as she stared her down deeply looking for an answer , a reaction to anything to pose for what she knew she had just confessed about.
The confession was a complete accident but she knew that it was something she had been feeling for a while but was struggling to come to terms with. She feared The whole thing in some form felt too rushed since she had started to progress her relationship with Carla. She knew she loved her but deep down in the back of her mind she knew confessing that only cleared the idea that she was losing yet another string of her attachment to her passed wife. The guilt that had been eating her alive to stop her from confessing.
It was somewhat silly but she knew she needed the time to let that string go properly in order to feel okay when confessing something as big as that. In the same breath she thought she'd feel more regret in an openly accidental confession but strangely to her it now suddenly felt right. Like she knew Carla truly needed to know where she stood. She knew that deep down the woman knew but since new years a few nights ago even though they discussed the need for time, it was still weighing heavily on her.
Watching as the eyes in her girlfriend's face were clear with surprise and shock. The mental cogs turning in her head. The silence almost killed Lisa as she went to grab her coat in embarrassment realising in the heat of the moment it was clearly not the correct time for her to confess or even potentially reciprocated as she went to leave getting up out of the chair.
“I love you too Lisa.”
The blonde looked up to the eyes staring at her as she sat back down speaking quickly in the shock of it all. “You truly mean it and aren't just saying it because I did…”
Carla scoffed a laugh out. “Bloomin heck darlin. I think I remember confessing a few days ago what was it?..ah… I'm falling in love with the local copper. Are ya getting mixed up with which copper now? I know Kit was next to you but the only copper that's seen my bed has been…
The woman reached over to lock lips with the other to shut her teasing up but mostly because she wanted to bask in the happiness for the proper reciprocation and the fact they were back in level playing field relationship wise.
“mmm I'm thinking about the rumours spreading recently about him now. That probably wasn't a good example. You do know you're the only copper I want.” Lisa let out a loud giggle, to the backtracking her girl was confessing. “don't worry, I'd like to think you'd have better standards.”
Carla gasped, shoving the woman playfully, “oi. I'd certainly hope you knew I would….Come ‘ere ey.” Lisa sat back down still laughing as she dragged the chair closer leaning over as Carla cupped her face.
“I really do want to apologise deeply to you. I never wanted you to find out not by me. That was not how I wanted this conversation to go down. I just wanted to tell you about it all to be in the best time for you so you could be prepared to deal with it all. I really do actually care about you and for Betsy. I needed to protect you from the hurt, I know all too well what this will cause.”
Lisa nodded, “I know you were. You do realise, I don't need protection all the time. I Know you don't like to burden everyone with ‘your problems’ but I really would have rathered I knew so I could have already been helping you. That's what I'm here for. I want to care for you just like what you've been trying to do for me. Just let me in… yeah?” The brunette nodded as Lisa reached in to give her a light kiss again. The two paused for a moment inches away from each other before the smaller sat back down more comfortably.
“Alright, start from the start of all the doctor stuff so you can properly catch me up. No hold backs. Then we can figure this all out together to see what the best way forward could be.” Carla nodded as she squeezed the hands that were now latched to her own.
She needed to get used to this idea of opening up but she knew now that everything was okay and that the woman she loved was gonna support her more than what she ever could wish for. Something she knew she never felt more grateful for.