
Kages Have a Strange Sense of Humor
It wasn’t until they were on there way home that Ren realized it.
Nothing had gone terribly wrong. Things had gone fine, and towards the end, Jae-Un had even begun smiling and interacting more freely with her team. She had started joking and laughing again, eventually introducing Ren and the team to an elderly woman who insisted on teaching all of them some of the local recipes before feeding them on their last night in the village.
It was Soo-Jung, actually, who pointed it out. She had come back to Ren’s apartment after they had reported in.
“I don’t see the big deal, Sunbae. So what, your reputation was wrong.” She smirked. “It’s not like it was a good thing to be known for anyway, so you don’t have to freak out.”
“What’s she freaking out over now?” Suigetsu chucked a drink container that looked suspiciously like the cheap alcohol he got from questionable sources at Soo-Jung.
“She’s goin’ nuts because nothing went wrong on our mission.”
Suigestu froze before looking to Ren. “What does she mean?”
“Exactly what she said. Nothing went wrong.”
“What the fuck, Deongsaeng! You can’t take those kids out on a mission if nothing went wrong this time. You’ll get them killed!”
“You think I don’t know that? Unlike you, I can’t escape my bad luck!”
Suigetsu scoffed. “You think I can escape it when I have to see you come back bleeding and dying, trudging into this apartment like you shouldn’t have gone straight to a hospital instead? You think that’s being able to escape it? You have shit luck, Deongsaeng, but we’ve all seen it in action.
“You’re going on a mission with me, whether you like it or not, so that when your shit luck hits the fan you’ve got someone around who won’t lose their goddamn mind.”
Soo-Jung scoffed. “Kiri shinobi don’t do that, Jong-Min-shi.”
Suigetsu laughed at that. “Nah, friend. They don’t. Not until they’re on a mission with her, anyway.” He sat on the ground, facing the two of them. “We had a mission once where she was just supposed to duck into a bar and get some information. Instead, she pissed off a major civilian crime syndicate in the area and we ended up having to do a lot more than just track down some asshole loyalists.”
Soo-Jung’s eyes lit up. “Oh, do tell. I love hearing stories about Choi-shi.”
“Hey! Since when did I get downgraded from ‘Sunbae’ to ‘Choi-shi’?”
“Since I found out you freak out when things don’t go wrong, now shut up! I wanna hear the story!”
Soo-Jung was going to be the death of her. And what was worse? Suigetsu seemed to genuinely like her, meaning he would probably drag her into anything he could that involved their team.
The Mizukage was a woman of many talents, the least of which was intimidating jumpy, newly-minted Jounin.
Nevertheless, when Iruka met the woman for the first of the negotiations he was struck by the fact that this woman had led a civil war to completion in a major hidden village and then seamlessly taken command.
“Ah! Hokage-sama!” Mei looked to Iruka, laughing at how tense the young man was. “Oh, is this the shinobi you wanted to send? He’s adorable, Tsuande-san! Should you tell him who his allies are or should I?”
“Terumi-san,” Tsunade motioned for Iruka to sit. “It is a pleasure to see you, particularly under such pleasant circumstances.”
“Yes it is! Now, what’s your name, young man?”
Iruka looked between the two women, nervous. Both of them could kill him faster than he could blink and he wouldn’t even realize it had happened.
Sure, he and Anko had a joke when they were messing around that it was his thing. But now that he was faced with the terrifying prospect of two women who could absolutely kill him, he was fucking terrified.
“Young man?”
“AH! Sorry, ma’am.” Iruka bowed. “My name is Umino Iruka.”
“Rank?”
“Ch-Jounin, ma’am.”
“Chu-Jouin? Tsunade-san, you don’t have a new rank, do you?”
Tsunade smirked, glancing at Iruka. “I do not. I think this young man is a bit flustered.”
“Iruka-kun, you have nothing to fear! I wish I could introduce you to the young woman you’ll be working with, but she was away when I departed.
“Again, Tsunade-san. Should I tell him about his allies, or should you?”
Tsunade sighed. “Go ahead, Terumi-san.”
“Well, then. Umino-kun, you will be working with Nara Riko, who is currently undercover as Akagi Ren, also known within Kiri by the name Choi Chae-Seon. The only people who know her identity are her senior teammates, myself, and my advisors. If you reveal her, you have a long list of people who are used to having her back that will be more than willing to help you… get lost.”
“Please don’t threaten my shinobi, Terumi-san.”
“I’m not threatening. Just warning.”
Tsunade smirked in response. Of all the Kages she had interacted with, Mei certainly had the most spark to her. If only all kages were as spunky, her job would be a lot more fun.
Soo-Jung had been put in charge of the genin team until Ren had gone on another mission. Apparently the people she worked with were significantly more superstitious than she was. Even if they had fought several high ranking missing-nin on their last mission and Chae-Seon’s cover had been partially blown, that wasn’t too bad. Apparently Suigetsu had already known about her being undercover, and Jeong-Hwa hadn’t heard anything or cared too much once Soo-Jung had ranted about it at their apartment. He had gone to the Mizukage, taken her word for it, and told her to calm down.
He was right, in that instance. He was almost always right, and it was infuriating.
And now he was saying that so many high-level shinobi being cautious about how easy Chae-Seon’s last mission had gone was something to be wary of herself.
“She did have a reputation during the war. People came back alive, but her missions always went horrifically wrong.”
“Yeah, but that was the war. We were literally just rebuilding.”
Jeong-Hwa shrugged. “I don’t know. I heard she went on a recon mission with a strict order not to engage, and despite precautions she ended up engaging the enemy in battle while protecting her wounded partner.”
“How do you know her partner wasn’t lying?”
“One of the Mizukage’s advisors has reason to lie in a report?”
Jeong-Hwa worked more regularly in the translation department, making sure all reports were available in two languages. He had access to all the reports since the Mei’s takeover of the government, and he was allowed to share any information from publicly available records. Seeing as Choi Chae-Seon was one of a team of popular shinobi figures for those in-village who had supported the war, the reports by her or her teammates were usually edited and then released to the public.
It had been ingenious of Mei to introduce such a system, Soo-Jung had to admit. Keeping the people engaged in the shinobi world through a modified and controlled lens kept them from becoming alienated, and kept the shinobi appearing as people to those they served.
“You’re sure this is a genuine pattern?”
Jeong-Hwa nodded. “And if what little of her Konoha record I could find is believable, it’s been going on since long before she joined Kiri.”
“I swear to god, Jong-Min! I’m going to kill you if you keep up this disappearing and reappearing bullshit in the house!” Ren threw a kunai at Suigetsu. “You asshole! It’s too fucking early!”
“I don’t know, Deongsaeng. You’ve been put off mission duty and training duty until the Mizukage gets back to give you your new assignment. Apparently it’s a long-term overlap mission or something like that.
“If it’s something dangerous, we wouldn’t want you off your game for a second now, would we?”
“I’ll wipe that smarmy fucking look off your damn face.”
Haku trailed in, his hair a mess and his sleep clothes wrinkled. “If you two don’t stop it, I’ll leave you both to decompose in the swamp.”
“You’re coffee is getting made, you angry old man.” Ren poured herself the bitter sludge they called coffee before sliding some to Haku. “It’s just as coarse, dark, and sludgy as the mud from the Snakemoss Swamp. Just how we’ve been chugging it down for the last two years.”
Suigetsu looked down at his own mug. “Why don’t we ever get better coffee? Or, like, actually stop making our coffee like we’re teenagers who just threw it in water and hoped for the best?”
“Because we are teenagers that have been throwing our coffee grounds into water and hoping for the best.” Ren glanced over her coffee mug as she spoke. “And we could make our coffee better, but how much effort are we willing to put into it?”
Suigetsu shrugged. “I guess.”
A day full of training with just her team.
Yeah.
Ren was going to go nuts before the Mizukage got back.
Negotiations were going a lot better than Tsunade had hoped. Evidently, having Riko for longer than they had originally agreed upon was a great advantage for getting her people into Kiri.
“Hokage-sama.” Iruka was standing at the entrance of the small room, clearly uncomfortable. “Um…”
“You want to talk about Riko, don’t you?”
He looked down, almost shameful. “If it’s classified I understand. It’s just…
“When I run the unit on foreign shinobi, I pull out the bingo book and find some of the more… more advanced opponents that are out there. I do it to make a point to the kids not to get cocky, that there are people not that much older than them that are powerful enough that some fresh out of the Academy Genin register to them as small fry.
“And ever since she appeared in the Bingo Book, I’ve used Akagi Ren. She’s fifteen, so she’s not that much older than them. It makes the girls aware that they can have a life outside of being a wife or a fangirl. That being powerful is possible, even if our village is significantly more conservative during peace times.
“Not only that, she was a dominating force on the battlefield. She wasn’t to be approached without at least two jounin as back-up.
“And not once did I think that was one of my students. I know shinobi are killers. We all have blood on our hands. But Riko… I remember her Academy days, and I can’t help but wonder what this kind of mission has done to her emotionally. I would never question your judgement, Hokage-sama. I just… I just…”
“You’re worried.”
Iruka nodded.
“She was your student, Umino. It’s understandable. I’m sure I could have done things differently, but at the time we didn’t have many options. We were just coming out of Orochimaru’s invasion and we needed to have those three out and away from Konoha as soon as possible for their own protection. Sending her to be trained in a country of water-users seemed like the best idea at the time.
“We were naïve to think Terumi wouldn’t utilize every resource at her disposal. Especially when one of those resources was a pretested Chuunin who had a decent skill for strategy and improvisation.
“I want you to know, going into Kiri, that her file shows she has not only adapted to her undercover role, but seems to have adopted it. She is likely going to seem as loyal to Kiri as she was to Konoha. I honestly am not even sure of her loyalties at this point, and the longer she’s there I have to wonder if she’s gone completely into Kiri.
“You’re there to learn the language, but you’re also there as my agent on the inside. Keep an eye on her, make sure she’s not… she’s not…”
“Compromised.”
Now it was Tsunade’s turn to nod, however reluctantly.
“And if she is?”
Tsunade looked to the window of her room. “If she’s compromised leave her. She didn’t know much about our system anyway, as far as I can tell. She was a clan child, and that will be a political hurdle, but we might be able to resolve the issue.”
“What would you tell her family?”
“Shikaku would have a cow. Yoshino might just go the political assassination route.”
Iruka shook his head, huffing a small laugh. “I wouldn’t say they’d go that far.”
Tsunade shrugged. “If she’s compromised, you let me handle it. That’s an order, understood?”
Iruka hesitated, before accepting the order and bowing. “Yes, Hokage-sama.”
“Umino, don’t mistake these orders to be that you have to keep her at arms’ length. She was your student, and she has her own students now. I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you again, though she may only address it in private.
“She’s a colleague now, as much as she was your student. You’re allowed to befriend her. We are trying to form an alliance, after all.”
Iruka smiled. “Yes, Hokage-sama.”
“That’s all, Iruka-kun. You’re dismissed.”
The young man kept smiling as he bowed and left the room. She had to hope that Riko wasn’t compromised. But if she was, then there had to be a way to resolve it without the immediate solution of organizing her death. She wasn’t going to do that to Shikaku and his wife just as they were getting news and whispers about their daughter.
Kakashi walked in as Iruka left. “Maa, Hokage-sama.” A bow. He was being polite, meaning he was about to be a pain in her ass.
“What do you want, Hatake?”
“Okay, Chae-Seon.” Suigetsu was oddly eager, especially for how early in the day it was. The bars in the village refused to open before dark. “It’s time.”
“That’s ominous. Care to explain?” Ren start flicking a senbon around, weaving it through her fingers as they spoke. She really needed to take a mission or start working with her students again. Haku refused to let the team train more than half the day, claiming they “needed rest”. The one time she and Suigetsu had snuck out early to train, Haku had pinned them to the wall with his senbon and refused to let them down until the afternoon came around.
“You’ve finally got lightning chakra down, so I think you can handle this.” Suigetsu reached for a sealing scroll he had been carrying around for the last few days.
“You’re finally going to explain your sadism? Thanks, but Icha Icha is saucy enough for me.”
“No, you weirdo.” Suigetsu’s head cocked. “Wait you read that? You’re younger than me, and I had to wait till I got away from any of the higher-ups long enough to get to a bookstore to get my hands on a copy, and they still wouldn’t sell it to me!”
“My sensei didn’t exactly have a strong grasp on the definition of ‘age appropriate literature’.”
“Your sensei? As in your genin team sensei?” Ren nodded. Still flicking the senbon around aimlessly. She was enjoying this conversation. “What kind of freak was your sensei?!”
Ren shrugged. “Hatake Kakashi. Pretty great teacher if you get around the inability to show up on time, the constant crypticness, and that smug eye-grin he does when he’s right.”
Suigetsu swears under his breath before unfurling the scroll. “Well forgetting your weirdly awesome genin-team sensei from your hometown, which we will be talking about later, I have a very different reason for making you learn lightning chakra.
“I wasn’t just watching you suffer. Though, that was kind of funny. You’re pretty damn creative with your profanity. I wanted you to learn lightning chakra, because there have been some discussions with the Mizukage, and she wanted you to be able to wield these.”
Suigetsu pulled the Kiba swords out of the scroll, tossing them to Ren. “These are the Kiba swords, as I’m sure you’re aware. Seonsaengnim wanted you to be able to use them. She thinks you’ll be pretty kickass.”
Ren’s eyes were wide, taking in the lethal yet beautiful blades. The thorn like pieces sticking out of the blade caught the light, and she found herself smiling. “Oppa… these are fucking brilliant.”
Suigetsu smirked. “I thought you’d say that. Now, it’s time for you to test those sharp fuckers out. Get ready, Deongsaeng. I’m not going easy on you.”
And suddenly one of her best friends was coming at her with his own blade and she found herself fighting in one of the most interesting spars of her life.
The letter that was slipped to Mei by her guard lifted her spirits a bit as she went into the negotiations. The Kiba swords were now in Ren’s hands, and she was learning them with at least some ease.
The negotiations were going well, but she wasn’t sure what she thought of the jounin that was coming into her territory. He hadn’t said much, and her intelligence said he had been an Academy teacher before the sudden promotion and movement to come to Kiri.
Holding the letter – written in Korean, though she would likely translate it and send it back with the Hokage. Best not to hide anything now that she would have two Konoha shinobi running around her village – she walked down the hall. She was meeting with just Iruka, a simple lunch with him and Hatake Kakashi. She and Iruka would have a chance to ask questions, and Hatake was there as insurance for Tsunade that she wouldn’t harm or threaten her shinobi in any way.
Mei may not have known much about Riko when she came into her forces, either, but she couldn’t afford to be picky during the war. She had also been grateful for any slight show of support from the Konoha shinobi. She was happy to have a non-verbal assurance of alliance if she succeeded.
And once Riko had shaped up into a formidable shinobi, she had been glad the young woman was on her side.
She wasn’t in a war now, however. She could make a point of getting to know the young man she was bringing back with her. She could needle him privately with some questions between sessions with the Hokage.
Iruka was standing at one end of the room they were to eat in. He was somewhat uncomfortable, if his ramrod straight posture was anything to go by.
“Ah, Umino-san. I’m glad you could make it.”
“Uh, my pleasure, Mizukage-sama.”
“Please, Mei.” Mei motioned for him to sit. “I just want to talk. Nothing important. I just want to know who it is I’m bringing into my forces. I’m sure you understand.”
Iruka nodded, still uncomfortably stiff as he sat in his seat. “Absolutely, Mizukag-“ he faltered at her look. “Ah, Mei-sama.”
Well, it was progress. “I’m sure you’ll see, once we get to Kiri, that the war has made things significantly less formal, particularly with my shinobi and myself. I would hope for you to follow their example.”
“Understood, Mei-sama.”
“Now, do you have any questions about Kirigakure?”
The younger man faltered. Undoubtedly he wanted to ask about Riko. Zabuza had relayed that Umino had been one of Riko’s Academy teachers.
“I was wondering, how exactly will I be expected to learn this language?”
“You will be living with Choi Chae-Seon and her team, and they tend to speak the language amongst themselves. This will, hopefully, build any language skills you develop during your lessons.
“As for your day lessons, your mornings will be spent with Kim Jeong-Hwa. He is in our translation department, and the cousin of one of Chae-Seon-shi’s friends. You will likely run into her at some point, so I warn you now – Soo-Jung is an abrasive young woman, but she has taken a shine to Chae-Seon and her team. You’ll likely see her around, and she likely won’t spare you from her loud insults and constant desire to pick a fight. Be mindful that she is one of a number of very skilled jounin in our village.”
“Yes ma’am. And what of my afternoons?”
“You’ll be training with Chae-Seon and her team. Battlefield vocabulary won’t be as stressed in your lessons, as you have to be able to communicate with the civilians and the shinobi. As such, you’ll get your professional vocabulary with her team. The hope is that you’ll also gain some skills working with them.
“My advice would be to let Chae-Seon and Jong-Min, also known outside Kiri by Hoozuki Suigetsu, fight each other. They’ll be your more dangerous opponents, and they like to fight each other, meaning they won’t be focused on you. Haku and Chojuro are more likely to try and work with you as training partners, and not just sparring partners.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Now, any other questions?”
The man swallowed whatever his next question was down as Hatake Kakashi came in, sitting in a vacant seat. “I’m sorry I’m late, Mizukage-sama.”
“I appreciate you joining us, Hatake-san.”
“Maa, it’s no trouble!”
The man certainly lived up to his reputation for being blasé and late. Granted, most of that reputation came to Mei’s attention when she had a rare moment during the war to go drinking with some of her soldiers, and she and Riko had ended up talking about their experiences being from different villages.
“Mizukage-sama,” well, any progress with Iruka had just been erased by Hatake’s arrival, “I take it you have questions for me?”
“Very astute, young man. I do. Let’s get started.”
The negotiations couldn’t all go well. She had just hoped it wouldn’t be this issue.
“I want Hatake to escort Umino to your village.”
“And I’ve told you, we can’t have a foreign-nin roaming through our country unescorted.”
“What if you sent an escort?”
“What?”
“A two-man escort. You send two jounin as an escort for Hatake, either until the border or through to the village.”
“A two-man escort?” Mei considered the option. “And do you have any other… specifications for this team?”
“I want us to see Akagi Ren. I want her in Konoha’s borders.”
“You want to make sure she’s still loyal to Konoha, don’t you?” Tsunade raised an eyebrow.
“And if I do?”
“She’s not going to break cover for a second. Not unless she’s got a guarantee that she’s going to be safe.”
“What do you mean safe?” Tsunade huffed. “The second she comes back her identity would be concealed.”
“The second she comes back?”
“Mei, she may have a Genin team, but she’s my shinobi. She should come back to Konoha. Her team has returned, all we need is for her to come back.”
Mei glanced at her. “I’ll send her back as an escort with Hatake. She can stay no more than five days, and then she must be on her way back.
“She’s your shinobi, but she fought my war. She is a huge force for PR in our village. I’m sure you understand, Tsunade-san, the effects a few pretty faces can have on a crowd?
“We need all the good publicity we can get, Tsunade. We need to hold onto loyalty within the village to develop loyalty in our country. We need her.”
Tsunade didn’t like the arrangement. She didn’t like it at all. But she would take what she could get. “And what do we tell the people who will recognize her chakra signature? To the people who already know of her assignment?”
“You have people who know of the assignment too? What is this, the worst kept secret in the Shinobi world?”
“What do you mean ‘too’?”
Mei sighed. “I mean her primary teammates may have found out through extenuating circumstances during the war about her undercover assignment.”
Tsunade sighed. “Why can’t things go right for once? What is wrong with her?”
Zabuza, who had been rather silent up until this point, barked a laugh. “Nice to know her luck’s always been shit.”
Kakashi raised an eyebrow. “How so?”
“That girl was known for bad luck when she first came to Kiri. All her missions go to shit, it’s hilarious.”
Mei nudged him. “Actually her last one didn’t go wrong. At all.”
Zabuza blanched. “What?”
Ren would be lying if she said everything was going fine, but she had to admit, what she and Suigetsu had just pulled off was fucking amazing. Yeah, she needed to be more careful about how she used lightning chakra, and yes, her form was way off with the Kiba swords.
But they had just won the fight by basically making an explosion. Why hadn’t anyone thought of doing this before? Having a water-based attack followed up by a lighting-based attack was awesome.
“You two are never to do that in training again. Am I clear?”
The lecture from Ao after destroying a large section of field and someone’s fence? Not so much.
“Then how are we supposed to make it work better for the battlefield?”
Ao raised an eye, looking at Suigetsu. “Oh, trust me. You won’t need to make that work better for the battlefield. I’m pretty sure if you used it in a fight it would do too much damage for anyone to care.”
Ren smirked. “Yeah, but what if we made it look cooler?”
Fancy jutsu have always been a weakness for shinobi, after all.
“Do we even have enough lightning users to make that worthwhile?” Ao glanced out the window. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one we’ve got stupid enough to try it, and we had to train you into it. Not too many shinobi are that masochistic.”
“I’m not a masochist, asshole.”
“The scars on your arms beg to differ.”
Suigetsu laughed. “Anyway, back to what you were telling us?”
“The Mizukage is bringing a representative from Konoha to learn Korean. He has an escort with him, and you’ll be taking the escort back to Konoha.”
“Okay, Ao, I know you hate me-“
“I don’t hate you.”
“But you have to admit, sending me back to Konoha while I’m undercover is one of the stupidest ideas ever. Are you trying to get me court martialed?”
“Does Konoha do court martials?”
“I don’t know! I just know traitors get executed, which if I’m asked questions I can’t answer while I’m undercover, could be how I go out.”
“That would be the ultimate way for a mission to go wrong. I’m with Ren. She isn’t going out unless it’s in a hilarious battlefield mishap. You sure about this, Ao?”
“The Hokage insisted on Akagi Ren, and the Mizukage had to agree. If this language thing goes well, we have a strong basis for an alliance. We could even send a war-team or two out to learn Japanese. A lot of our Genin from the islands don’t know it, and it’s going to impact their career, especially once they hit Chuunin.
“We have to be thinking five steps ahead, Chae-Seon. We can’t waste an opportunity for an alliance with a major power like Konoha. On the international stage, that gives our regime legitimacy – major powers will take us more seriously if one of their own thinks we can hold onto power.
“It also gives us power if we’re up against the Daimyo. Allying Konoha and Kirigakure means our countries will have to work more closely together, or they risk pitting allies against each other, which never works out well for a daimyo. I’m sure at this point you’ve read up on what happened with the second Mizukage and the Daimyo, right?”
“Yeah, yeah. After the assault on Iwa during the second Mizukage’s reign, the Daimyo tried to get Se-Jong Seonsaengnim to attack Kumo, our ally at the time. Because of the assault, Kumo assassinated our Daimyo, allowing the Land of Lightning to insert a temporary puppet government.”
“And how did that end for us?”
“It ended with Yagura taking power after assassinating that Daimyo, leading to a power vacuum that wasn’t filled until just before the revolution.”
“And why did the power vacuum take so long to fill?”
“Because shinobi villages are tools of the daimyo, and by law we are not allowed to insert our own daimyo. It’s a conflict of interest. Instead we let powerful families in the capital duke it out until they found someone they agree on.
“Look, Ao, I know all this. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s dangerous to send me to begin with, whether it’s agreed upon or not!”
“The Hokage has agreed to the terms that you are only there for five days, and then you come back. You having a Genin team gave us some negotiating leeway. Building on that, the Hokage recognizes the need for good PR, especially after a major conflict.
“You’ll be taking Suigetsu with you. You are allowed to expose your undercover identity within the walls of Konoha, but only to shinobi. You have five days to reunite with your former team, to visit your family, and to find any resources you may desire for training your Genin.
“The economy is strong right now in Konoha, so you would do best to find some weapons or materials for your Genin while you’re there. They can afford a better selection. Mei is working out a minor allowance for you to use for your team.
“These are the parameters of the escort mission. Beyond that, anything that goes to shit is your responsibility. Am I understood?”
“You’re perfectly understood.”
“Great. Now get the hell out of here. You’ve caused enough damage for one day.”