IV. (Impossible - James Arthur)
“Dreams can’t haunt you if you’re not asleep.” That had been Sirius’ refrain when he’d dragged Remus along some other adventure about the castle, the later grumbling about being tired. Sirius had never expected Remus to stay awake forever and that was what Remus was facing right now, the hard reality that he would have to fall asleep at some point. He was merely delaying the inevitable. The fact was, he couldn’t face seeing Sirius die when he closed his eyes that night. Not after he’d seen it in real life not so long ago.
His arms still hurt from the dull punches Harry’s fists had landed on them when Sirius had drifted and vanished into the veil. Just as much, if not more, shock and despair had racked through him as it had to Harry. He’d still hung onto the boy, knowing that it would have been Sirius’ dying wish if he’d been able to articulate it. They had all watched, helpless, as Bellatrix’s stun had hit Sirius and pushed him into the veil. If only one of them had pulled him back, there had been several of them, unoccupied at the moment, if only one, if only he -
Remus rubbed his face with his hands. If he’d only known, he would have taken that curse for Sirius, anyday. He partly wished he could take it now, too. But he couldn’t. He’d never been suicidal, even when he’d first been bitten. That had always been Sirius’ forte. There had been a few times where Remus had had to talk Sirius down but he had always been able to. After their relationship solidified, Remus had been able to guide Sirius through his depressive periods more easily and Sirius had had them less. Azkaban, of course, had changed everything.
Remus knew that Sirius hadn’t killed James and Lily and all those muggles but he hadn’t been sure who had. The next twelve years, Remus spent tracking down every piece of evidence he could, but it wasn’t enough. He’d never been able to find exactly who did it and proof to show the Ministry of Magic so they’d set Sirius free.
Remus knew Azkaban had taken its toll on Sirius and he’d expected him to be an emotional mess afterwards. His expectations were fulfilled. Sirius had told Remus of the few times he’d attempted before giving up and the hundreds of scars lining his upper arms and legs. Remus had run his fingers over them gently, each damaged piece of skin wrenching his heart.
“Sirius…” he said, voice weak. The other man looked into his eyes. These were not the same eyes Remus had gazed into in his years at Hogwarts. These were aged, different, haunted… destroyed.
A tear ran down Remus face and then Sirius was crying, too, they were both crying, and Remus pulled Sirius head to his chest and held him and kissed his forehead and buried his hands in the mop of dark hair, holding him tight with the intention of never letting him go. He wished he hadn’t.
When Remus finally did fall asleep, he didn’t dream of Sirius’ death like he’d feared. It had been a nice dream, the kind with the setting of a dream you’d find in the mind of a nostalgic teenager. It was set at Hogwarts, warm fall air and a bright sun filling the castle, leaves, falling to the ground. Surprisingly, it was empty. No trace of students or teachers could be found. Remus walked through the castle, gazing at the familiar castle walls and well-worn staircases that were ever-moving. And then he came upon Sirius.
“Remus!” he said, bounding towards his friend like the great, black dog that was his animagus. He pulled Remus into a hug and then let him go.
“Sirius?” Remus said, hesitantly, “what are you doing here?” Sirius smiled.
“I’ve come to say goodbye,” he said. “I can’t keep your terrible nightmares away forever but the least I can do is do it for one night.” Sirius reached up and stroked Remus’ cheek with one hand. “We should have had more time. Twelve years of it, and more.”
“If it wasn’t for Pettigrew, we might’ve,” said Remus. Sirius gave a short, mirthless laugh.
“Ah, Peter,” he said dangerously, “take care of him for me, will you?”
“I think Harry would very much mind if I did,” Remus said. Sirius barked out his laugh.
“Ha,” he said, “I’m sure he would. Just like his father. Watch over him, will you? Now that I can’t?” Remus nodded.
Sirius slipped his hand into Remus’ and they walked the grounds together. They had never been able to be this free before and they relished it, even though they knew it would come to an end. They walked through the halls and classrooms, the Gryffindor common room and their old dorm room, past Hagrid’s hut and the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. They watched the sun from the astronomy tower and saw its rays hit the lake in little sparkles that Remus took especial joy in and Sirius took especial joy from watching Remus watch them. They finally settled by the Black Lake, running their hands in the water before splashing each other, as if they were still in the seventh year, having one last hurrah before they would leave it all. This was when they chatted the most, recounting memories, talking about the new ones they would have liked to make. They lay in the grass, hands touching, where they had spent so much time before. And when they were finished talking, they kissed and they touched, knowing that nothing would ever be enough but hoping to get as much as they could.
Sirius stayed the whole night. He stayed until the sun on the Hogwarts grounds became overwhelmingly bright, at which point he smiled and gave Remus one last kiss. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it as the light expanded, filling everything that was, until Sirius, and everything else, was gone and Remus was opening his eyes.