In The Moonlight
I took a deep breath, the sun was already going down and I was nervous. I had taken much longer in the shower than I usually did and for some unknown reason, I made sure that I wore something that made me look good. Why did I want to look so good for a man who hurt me so much? I’d done the same thing when I went to the castle to search for Sirius a couple of months before. I knew he noticed because I could feel it surrounding him, the attraction, the regret, the heartbreak.
I decided to wear a tight white vest with my tight jeans and long black coat. My hair curled around my face nicely and even I had to admit that I looked good. At least I felt better about myself, if nothing else.
Just apparating to the gates was a nerve-racking experience, the dementors gliding above the entrance disturbed me, but I was well practised in keeping them at bay. The walk up to the castle was warm and I was glad I wouldn’t have much time with Remus, the night was coming in and presumably he would want to get as much rest as possible before the full moon.
I quickly composed my thoughts and entered into the Dark Arts classroom, I remembered all my lessons from when I was in school and for just a moment I stopped at my old seat, the one next to the wardrobe which contained a boggart, the first one I ever battled. I sat in that seat after I’d panicked for months about how much I may have been hurting Remus, I confessed to brewing Wolfsbane and hoped I wasn’t in trouble. So much had happened in that seat and I’d learned more than I ever thought possible.
I suddenly felt a new courage to talk with Remus, to make things okay again, maybe not get back together, but to make life more tolerable than it had been for the last few years. Light was coming from the office and I took a deep breath ascending the stairs and preparing for what might have been a very painful experience, but when I turned the corner into his office, no one was there.
There was no music playing, but the fire was going and in fact his desk was covered with work, he might have just stepped out for a moment. I took the opportunity to take in the office I’d had so many conversations in, the one where I’d told him about my problems and we’d found solutions, we’d teased each other about who he was taking to the Yule Ball, I turned up with his Christmas present and felt agitated that he was in his own office while I’ll was trying to be sneaky. I couldn’t help but smile. The first time we kissed was in this office, the first time I felt his soft lips pressing to mine, it was bliss, it was everything I hoped love could be. I should have known it there and then; I would never love another man the way I still loved Remus Lupin.
I looked at his desk and the first thing that caught my eye was a silver frame, the same silver frame I had given to him on his thirtieth birthday, the one of the two of us at Jocelyne and Benji’s wedding, the one where he wore a bow tie and smiled every time I looked at him. God, he was handsome, his smile was kind and joyful, his suit fit around his body in the perfect way and he was always warm. He whispered sweetly to me and kissed me with such delicacy and desire. He was perfect.
The next thing that caught my attention was the faint smell of Lockwood’s Wolfsbane. There was a goblet full sitting next to what looked to be some kind of map, I thought it odd that Remus would be taking the potion the day before the full moon, but maybe he needed a pick me up while he was feeling the wearing effects of the cycle.
When I looked closer at the map, it appeared to be of the Hogwarts grounds with small name tags moving around. Hagrid was in his hut with Dumbledore and the minister and I suddenly remembered Buckbeak. I made a mental note to stop by on my way home and see how he was doing, it was probably a very miserable time for Hagrid and it was something I was beginning to understand more and more.
I let my eyes scan over the rest of the grounds until I saw something even more curious. The Whomping Willow. Names began to appear coming out of it, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and Sirius Black.
Everything in my body stopped, he was here. Adrenaline flooded my being and I sprinted from the castle towards the Whomping Willow, but it was the sound of a great howling that had me changing into my animagus and looking up at the fullest moon I’d ever seen. Remus. How could I have gotten my days so mixed up? How could I have been so irresponsible?
I reached the immobilised tree and changed back into human form, Snape was there with Hermione and Ron. Where was Harry?
‘Where is he?’ I demanded and Hermione pointed to a clearing just beyond where I could see, I sprinted over the rocks and came face to face with Remus in his wolf form. He was fighting with the same big black dog I’d come across in Azkaban and Harry Potter decided to throw a large rock at Remus in some insane effort to get his attention. ‘Harry, no!’ I yelled and suddenly those wild, green eyes found me. His whole frame was skeletal, with greyish skin covering his body, I could see every bone, every muscle of the wolf and none of it looked especially brittle. There was something I recognised in it as well, the tired form of Remus, he was in there somewhere, exhausted and in pain and in need of help.
I stilled, Harry stilled, Remus stilled. No one did anything and in fact I was scared to breathe, but I knew I needed to do something, I could hear the whimpering of Sirius behind a bush and if I didn’t get Remus away from the children and Snape, something much worse could have happened.
‘Harry.’ I said, quietly so as not to startle Remus. ‘Yes or no answers only. Are you aware that Sirius Black is innocent?’
‘Yes.’ The frightened boy said, almost taking Remus’s attention away from me. He was slowly approaching, getting more and more curious about what I was.
‘Are you aware that what you just did was incredibly stupid?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good. Remus’s attention is pretty much all on me and now I’m about to do something incredibly stupid. Can I trust that when I give you the signal, you will make sure Sirius and your friends are taken back to the castle?’
‘How will I know what the signal is?’ Harry asked and suddenly Remus’s focus began to shift from me to him.
‘I’m not that subtle.’ I said and without a second thought, I began sprinting as hard as I could into the Forbidden Forest. It was a moment, but I could suddenly hear the vicious growling of Remus following me at full pace, he would be on me in no time at all.
I somehow felt my eyes dart towards the edge of the treeline where two fmailiar people seemed to be hiding against a tree, but that wasn’t possible. It was a good thing that I looked as I caught Remus out of the corner of my eye, I turned as sharply as I could and listened to him skidding past me, creating just a little distance between us, but it wasn’t enough and there was no possible way I could keep this up all night. Why did I make him chase me? Why was I such an idiot?
I kept turning, realising quickly that my agility was the only thing keeping me alive so far, but I was wearing down and much quicker than I anticipated. I was far enough away from Harry that I could safely change into my animagus and make my get away, but something was telling me that Remus needed my help tonight. I changed quickly and ran towards a clearing with a single tree in the middle of it, I was much faster in my wolf form and was able to create a large distance between myself and Remus.
He could still see me over the distance and I quickly changed back into human form and scrambled up the tree, breaking off branches to make it harder for him to follow me. My human figure attracted Remus to the tree and I was far enough up that he couldn’t quite reach, but it didn’t stop him trying. I was a little surprised at how high werewolves could actually jump, but then they were extremely powerful and, as had been proven over and over again, dangerous.
‘That’s it Remus, you just keep trying.’ I panted and stood up on one of the branches, just watching the wolf jumping and scratching in an attempt to reach me. ‘I really didn’t think this all the way through, did I?’ I adjusted on the branch, wiping away any sweat that had formed on my forehead. What was I supposed to do now?
Remus tried for a few more minutes before he began to give up and started pacing around below me. It was enough that I felt I could sit down and try to think of a new plan.
Suddenly something caught his attention, I couldn’t hear what it was, but there was only one thing that could catch a werewolf’s attention quite like that. Humans. I stood up on the branch and tried to strain my ears, but it was no use, I was never going to hear what he could. Just as he was about to sprint off in the direction of the inaudible sound, something else could be heard and despite it being the smallest sound I’d heard all night, it was loud enough to fill my entire body with fear.
I had no time to think, no time to change and no time to call for help. The branch beneath my feet snapped and I was falling to the ground. Everything went in slow motion, the ground edging ever closer. I knew that this was it, this was the end of my life, I would never again feel the warmth of Remus’s arms wrapping around me, I would never listen to him talk or hear his laugh, I would never get to tell him that I loved him and would never stop. I wouldn’t get to marry him, find a house beside a lake with acres of space for us to live in, I would never grow old with him by my side, I would never have children with him or hold his hand while we walked in the summer sun.
I felt the sharp clamping of his jaw snapping around my shoulder and the venom began to seep into my body, setting it aflame in my veins. It was a pain I’d never known, it wasn’t anything like heartbreak, it wasn’t like loss or the Cruciatis curse or any normal dog bite I’d experienced, this was agony. This was the one man I could never live without, killing me.
Suddenly his jaw was ripped away from my shoulder and I hit the ground hard. Everything inside me was on fire, I couldn’t do anything other than scream and pray that I slipped away quickly, anything to stop the pain. I somehow managed to open my eyes enough to see where Remus was, he was fighting with a hippogriff. Was that Buckbeak? Had Buckbeak somehow survived the execution in order to save me from Remus? No, that seemed unlikely, but then how was he here?
I needed to get up, Buckbeak was doing all he could to keep Remus distracted for me to get away. Maybe I could survive? Maybe Remus would help me with my new life? Maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he would feel such shame that couldn’t bear to be around me anymore.
I still had one good arm, blood was pouring heavily out of my shoulder, that was what Remus was so attracted to and it took Buckbeak fighting with him to keep him away from me. I couldn’t forget about him, there was still a man in there, still a good man, a kind soul who needed help. There were also still people out there somewhere, I couldn’t just let Remus go roaming around and potentially find them and kill them, he could never live with himself.
I did the only thing I felt was the right thing to do. I climbed a much sturdier tree, struggling with just the use of my right arm, eventually making it to a spot where Remus couldn’t reach me, but the blood would keep him close and away from anything else in the Forest. I sat back against the trunk and with a shaky hand, removed my belt. I was exhausted and I knew that if I allowed my eyes to close, I would probably have fallen asleep and fallen from the tree. Both my hands were covered in red and securing my belt around my legs, keeping me in place on the much thicker branch, was a difficult task.
The venom was seeping through every part of my body and Buckbeak had now left me alone with Remus. He couldn’t reach me, but the blood was driving him mad and he was keeping everything else away from where we were, all I needed to do was last until the sun came up.
It wasn’t easy and on occasion I needed to squeeze the bite to allow more blood to land on the ground below, just to keep Remus interested in me. I couldn’t help but cry and wail at how much pain that caused me, I couldn’t help but want to just give up, to just allow my body to fall from the tree and let Remus devoure my body, at least everything would be over, at least the brother inside me would be destroyed and Darren could live a long happy life with Clara on the coast of Cornwall. My parents would be proud, they would be sad for a while at the death of their only daughter, but in time they would be told about how I did it to save Harry, Ron, Hermione, Sirius and Snape. They would be told about how they raised a hero, whether they did or not was irrelevant, that’s what they would be told and they would go to sleep every night with some small comfort.
I wondered what would happen to Sirius, would the minister issue a full apology once the truth was out? What was the truth in the end? Did I even care now? Sirius was innocent, I knew it, I felt it in my soul, maybe that was enough. I hoped he would reunite with Remus and James and Lily, that they would have dinner together with my friends and all of them would live happily ever after. Remus would find someone to love him with all of their heart and he would finally know happiness.
I was finding it difficult to make a convincing argument for my survival of this night, the wolf was so willing to comply with my death and Remus would never remember what he did, perhaps someone could tell him that something else killed me, Buckbeak? Or maybe the Mist would find me?
‘Do you really think he would believe that?’
My eyes suddenly snapped open and I saw the figure of Remus, my Remus, sitting on the branch opposite me. It was him, but not quite, it was a copy of Remus and the snarling from below me, confirmed that. Was I imagining things now? The venom had finally reached my brain and I was hallucinating, I supposed there were worse things to hallucinate about.
‘You’re not hallucinating, but you are dying.’ Remus said, his voice wasn’t as hoarse and the real thing, but I don’t supposed that mattered. ‘Of course, it matters Angie.’ He implored. ‘That man down there is the only reason you haven’t give up yet. The man. His shape was the only thing that I could use to draw you into the forest all those years ago, nothing else worked with you and you still resisted.’
‘The mist.’ I breathed, my lips were cracked and sore, I could taste blood, smell it. I really was dying.
‘Just hold on a little longer.’ He begged. ‘It will all be over soon.’
It was like everything was passing me by at an increased speed and before I knew it, the sun was beginning to shine over the horizon. It seemed as much as he could slow time down in your head, the mist could speed it up just as easily. The mist smiled and soon a wisp of white smoke left my shoulder and he was gone. I was more exhausted than before, but I was alive. I glanced downwards, feeling my stiff neck as I did, to see Remus changing back into his human form.
I hated to watch him stagger around morphing back into the smaller figure or the man I loved, but eventually he was human again and sprawled unconscious on the forest floor. I had no energy or strength to carry either of us back to the castle, I barely had the energy to get down from the tree. I managed to get some of the way before slipping and falling back a few feet next to Remus, his breathing was heavy as his body physically adjusted back to his human shape and I felt incredibly sorry for him.
I managed to pull my wand from my coat pocket and with every piece of focus I had, I sent a patronus up to the castle, hopefully finding Dumbledore who would come and rescue us. I found just enough energy to pull myself out of my coat and lay it over Remus’s body, he was freezing and I placed my hand on the thick material, heating it up for him. Maybe now he could get some rest.
The venom itself prevented me from falling asleep completely, instead I was stuck in a sort of dream state, not quite present and not quite gone. It seemed the worst of it was over and sure enough Dumbledore and Hagrid came to take us back to the castle where it was safe and it was home.