Lockwood Part 4

Remus breathed in the new years morning, a fresh year, a fresh start. He had only heard from Angelina a few times since Christmas Day, she was still climbing the mountain, determined to find this sacred village. He worried more and more every day, she didn’t seem to be getting any closer and already she had had close encounters with Yetis, they would kill her as soon as they saw her, unless she did something to deter them.

She was distracted by her dreams and the brother that was for certain, she kept describing a monk called Tenzin who came to her in her dreams and encouraged her to carry on. She was convinced that he was teaching her combat in her sleep, but how was that even possible?

Remus took his concerns to George, he hated to do it, but this seemed like something he should know about, if his daughter was somewhere dangerous and possibly going mad, he needed to know. Remus had no idea what to do and with Harry still figuring things out, he couldn’t leave the school.

‘Maybe you should take some time off?’ George suggested, he was in the hospital wing, helping Madame Pomfrey for a few days, it was only by chance that Remus caught him as Erin had had a particularly nasty injury over the last Quidditch game. ‘Just for a week or so, catch up with yourself?’

‘I can’t just take time off whenever I like George, I have responsibilities.’ Remus half laughed.

‘And if you ask me as a medical man,’ George stopped and turned to face Remus. ‘I would say that you are letting those responsibilities overwhelm you and you need some time to yourself.’ The Healer took a breath and adjusted his glasses. ‘Look, I’m not trying to start anything, I’m just suggesting that a week of rest could be good for you. All you’ve done since Angelina left is worry about her and if she is safe, you have enough on your plate as it is, I just don’t want your judgement to be impaired by putting yourself under unnecessary pressure.’

Remus didn’t follow George for a second time, maybe he was right, maybe Remus needed some time to think, his temper was much shorter these days and he was worried it was affecting his relationships with the students. Nathan seemed to be the only one who wasn’t affected by the new change.

Remus had tried to clear his head out by the lake, it was always a good place for him, it was the place Angelina spent her happiest times, she discovered her Puffapods, she swam with her friends and howled at the sky there and it made Remus happy to think of her looking out at the dark water. He sat down on a nearby rock, usually the one Angelina would leave her dry clothes on, he imagined her coming out of the water, exhausted, smiling and immediately talking about whatever she had found in her jar.

‘Sir?’ Remus knew that voice, the one he didn’t seem to mind too much. Nathan was holding Millie’s hand, they both looked a little out of breath, wrapped up warm and presumably looking for somewhere with a little privacy.

Remus smiled at them. ‘I’ll get out of your hair,’ he said knowingly, a blush formed across Millie’s cheeks. ‘Though the treeline a little further up has a lovely view of the lake and the hillside.’

Remus began making his way past the young lovers, before Nathan stopped him. ‘Are you alright professor?’ He asked and for a moment Millie wasn’t pleased that they had stopped, but soon became curious herself.

‘I’m fine, Nathan.’

‘Are you sure? You just seem a bit distracted lately.’

Remus couldn’t help his laugh. ‘That’s what happens when you get older and you let things pile up.’

‘She isn’t back yet, is she?’ It was Millie who asked. ‘Sorry, Nathan told me your girlfriend was in Tibet over the winter, is she okay?’

Remus sighed, it looked as if the two sixth years really did have his best interests at heart.

‘She’s not back yet, no.’ Remus admitted, the three of them sat back down and looked out at the lake. Nathan kept Millie close to his body for warmth, while Remus simply sat as if he were in his own office, one leg over the other, leaning back against the overhanging tree, barely noticing the cold. ‘Angelina has had encounters with yetis already and she still hasn’t found what she is looking for.’

‘What is she looking for?’ Millie was just as curious as Nathan and it was clear why he had chosen this particular Ravenclaw to become infatuated with.

‘Herself, in a way.’ Remus frowned. ‘Her family’s history puts a lot of pressure on her, she’s the youngest of the Lockwoods and people are expecting great things of her, expecting her to be a hero, to save the world one day.’ Remus had to laugh at the last bit.

‘That’s a lot of pressure to put on anyone, she didn’t seem fazed when she came to our class?’

‘No, no, she is quite extraordinary in that way.’ Remus thought about that day and smiled to himself, she was so beautiful. ‘I would never say this to her, but my fear is that the world will need to rely on her sooner than she is ready for, it will be difficult for her to accept her role in the coming years.’

‘What will her role be, professor?’ Nathan adjusted so that he could better hear Remus.

‘As yet, unknown.’ Remus took a breath. ‘I shouldn’t say this to you, but I have a growing fear that something is coming, something we are not prepared for.’

‘Like what?’

Remus paused for a moment, he wanted his students to be safe and he knew the best way to keep them so was to prepare them as best he could to defend themselves. ‘Those of us who fought in the war… well, let’s just say we’re getting nervous again. It’s not usually a good sign.’

‘My mother fought in the war.’ Millie said sadly. ‘She went out to work one day when I was three, never came home. I don’t have a lot of memories of her.’ Nathan wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kept her close.

‘I’m very sorry to hear that.’ Remus said, softly. He suddenly thought of all the things he lost during the war, Peter and Sirius being prominent in his mind. ‘I… may I ask you both for advice?’

‘Of course.’

‘Absolutely.’ They answered in unison and it made Remus smile. He thought on his question for a moment.

‘If you had a secret… well, it’s not exactly a secret… I want to tell Angelina something, to admit to her some things that I have done that… they don’t paint me as a good man and in fact some of these things…’ Remus swallowed, he could feel his tears fighting to find the corners of his eyes. ‘During the war, we all did things that we wouldn’t wish on our worst enemies, I hurt people, I was forced to sacrifice so much and at times I was too weak to make the right choice and allowed my friends to die… I fear, if Angelina knows these things I will no longer be the man deserving of her love.’ Remus took a moment. ‘So, the question is, do I keep my promise, to always be honest with her and risk losing her forever, or do I keep this from her always knowing that I am simply not good enough to be a part of her life, that I’m not the man she thinks I am?’

The two sixth years said nothing for the longest time, Remus thought that he had made a colossal mistake in saying anything to them at all. It was Nathan who broke the silence.

‘Did you ever kill anyone?’

‘No, I wasn’t capable of such things, but I often wished I was.’

‘You should tell her.’ Nathan took a moment to be sure of himself. ‘You want to marry her, don’t you?’

‘More than anything.’ Remus nodded and became suddenly curious about the young man’s logic.

‘Then you have to tell her everything, you can’t expect her to spend the rest of her life with you if she doesn’t know you’ve made mistakes.’ That made Remus laugh slightly, the reference to the late night conversation he’d had with Nathan in his classroom.

‘Very wise, indeed.’ Remus nodded. The three of them sat in silence for a few moments more, just taking in the afternoon air.

‘Professor?’ Millie said, a little uncertain. Remus knew the tone, it was one that said, she had a question she wasn’t sure if she could ask.

‘Why do I feel like Nathan has influenced you in the area of forward questions?’ Remus raised his eyebrows and smiled, shaking his head slightly when he saw her cheeks glow pink. ‘What’s your question?’

‘If it’s too personal, then don’t answer, but I just wanted to ask something.’ She said, thinking for a moment. ‘You just seem so in love with her, I just wonder, how could you let her go for so long without going with her, or worrying about if she’ll come home again?’

Remus let out an almost bark-like laugh. ‘Sorry, it’s a perfectly reasonable question.’ Remus gathered himself and took a breath. ‘I think Nathan and I have already covered this one but truthfully, I am terrified of where she is. I have real fears about whether she will make it out of Tibet in one piece and by the sounds of things, my fears are justified.’

‘Is she alright?’ Nathan’s head snapped around to face Remus.

He wasn’t sure what it was, but something stopped him answering the question in the affirmative, he really couldn’t say for certain whether she was okay at all. ‘I’m sure she will be fine.’

Once again the three of them sat in silence for a moment. Remus pulled out his parchment and stared down at it, he wondered whether he should have written to Angelina, given her some form of comfort, but the problem was he wasn’t sure of what he could say. He put the parchment away and ignored the inquisitive looks from his company.

‘You should ask her as soon as she comes back.’ Nathan spoke with a smile on his face. Remus just frowned slightly. ‘To marry you. As soon as you see her again, you tell her everything you need to tell her and you end the conversation with a proposal.’

Remus smiled and became conscious of the box in his pocket. ‘Believe me, if I could I would.’

‘What’s stopping you?’

Remus shook his head. ‘Angelina and I have much to talk about when she returns, most of it isn’t good. She’s not the best at understanding emotional motivations and can be overwhelmed at the best of times. I learned a long time ago how to be patient and how to approach sensitive topics. When the time is right for her, I will ask and I hope at that time I will be sure of her answer.’

Nathan watched him for a moment. ‘You’ve got the ring in your pocket, haven’t you?’

‘I never leave without it anymore.’ Remus smiled and pulled out the box to look at it. He caught Millie’s interested look and opened the box so that they could see the ring better. ‘It was my mother’s, she gave it to me before she died in the hopes that I would find someone to give it to.’

‘It’s beautiful.’ Millie breathed.

‘It is.’ Remus looked down at the ring and tried to imagine the moment he asked Angelina to be his forever, tried to imagine her saying yes and smiling at him, kissing him, telling him finally that she loved him. Remus cleared his throat, distracting himself from thoughts of Angelina and put the ring away. ‘I suppose I should get back to the castle, leave you two in peace.’ He chuckled.

‘Actually, it’s getting pretty cold,’ Millie confessed. ‘Maybe, we should head up as well.’

‘Sure.’ Nathan didn’t seem bothered by her request at all and all three of them began wandering back up to the castle. They soon slipped into talk of upcoming essays that were due and Remus reminded them that while he hoped they found time to spend together, it wasn’t at the cost of their studies.

‘And thank you,’ Remus said, just outside his classroom. ‘For your advice, I feel sure your guidance will be something I come rely on.’

‘Any time Professor.’ Nathan nodded and they agreed that they wouldn’t tell anyone anything, something Remus greatly appreciated. He felt significantly calmer than he had done throughout most of the holidays and felt in the right mind to write to Angelina.

I was getting closer, I could feel it. Tenzin came to me in my dreams, he showed me his skill, I repeated it back to him and I kept climbing. The air was much thinner the closer to the summit I got, but I kept moving, I needed to reach the top, to find the sacred village. I had read up on the Tibetan Oracles and it seemed that they may well have been what I was searching for the entire time.

The brother continued his attack on my mind, screaming at me to go back, to go home, insisting that Darren was in danger, but he was lying, he had to be. Darren was fine and if he wasn’t Remus would have said something. Remus hadn’t mentioned anymore episodes, so surely they had passed. Darren was fine.

I could feel the pain in my bones, especially my spine and in particular the place I had already broken it twice. Some days I thought about just letting go and dropping down into the nothingness, rather than face the pain. But something kept spurring me on, the thought that Remus wouldn’t quit, he wanted a future, a life with me, possibly even a family and even if he didn’t I could at least let him know it was an option. But I had to make it to the top first.

I had found a spot to rest for the night, a small crevice that overlooked a very steep drop down the mountain, but there was little other choice. I was more exposed than I would have like to have been, but I hadn’t spotted any yetis all day and I was getting good at recognising their patterns.

‘Angie, I think we’re close.’ The brother said, just as I was about to fall asleep. My body was weak as it was, I couldn’t deal with any less sleep than I had been getting. I needed to rest, I was running low on chocolate and realised quickly that I wouldn’t make it back down unless I found Dǎkāi xīnlíng. ‘Angie, can you feel that?’ As soon as he mentioned it, I felt a sort of warmth coming from the clearing I had just passed. I presumed it was one of his tricks and ignored him, trying to close my eyes and rest. ‘Angie, get up, can’t you feel the trail?’ Of course, I could feel it, but it wasn’t real. ‘Why won’t you get up? I’m not playing any tricks, I’m not trying to deceive you, there is something there.’

I took a breath, realising that if I didn’t find a way to shut him up, I would never sleep. ‘Fine, I’ll check it out, but if there’s nothing there, will you let me sleep?’

‘Yes.’

I didn’t believe him, not for a second. I got up anyway, hugged my coat tighter to my thinning body and held my wand out, lighting the way. I turned the last corner I had walked to find the guide standing in the middle of the clearing. He turned to me and from what I could tell, he was smiling.

‘You found it.’ He said. ‘You have proven yourself and now you may enter with the name of your teacher.’

I blinked, not quite believing it. Was this another trick?

‘T-Tenzin. My teacher’s name is Tenzin.’ I tried to say with as much confidence as I could. The guide stood to one side and I saw what the brother had been talking about. One area, a circle that I had purposely avoided the last time, there was no wind and in fact the snow on the ground began fading slightly. I stepped towards it, still holding my coat. I couldn’t afford to be unsure, so I stepped into the circle and looked up to find myself in a village that reminded me a lot of the sanctuary in Bulgaria. It was warm and bright, stone pathways leading all around the village and monks everywhere, much like the one from the bottom of the mountain. I turned to see the guide watching me.

‘Very few outsiders have ever found this place.’ He said. ‘Even fewer have passed the tests and proven themselves worthy of the teachings of enlightenment.’

‘Angie Lockwood.’ I turned to see a familiar face, it was the monk from my dreams, only he seemed so much older in real life. In fact, when I really looked at him, nothing about his creased features represented the monk in my dreams, but it was him, I could feel it. ‘We have waited a very long time for you. Welcome to Dǎkāi xīnlíng, I am Tenzin. When you wake, your training will begin.’

What did he mean by that? I suddenly had the question answered as my legs gave out and my exhaustion caught up to me all at once, I fell to the ground and allowed my eyes to close, for the first time since arriving in Tibet, I slept soundly and fully.