Lockwood Part 4

It had been another week since arriving at the base of the mountain and the monk and the man in black had yet to make another appearance. I hadn’t heard from Darren yet, but Remus was keeping me up to date on anything that was going on. Harry was doing well in quidditch just like James and was getting in about as much trouble. I was happy to hear that Remus was okay as well, he wasn’t sure about the new teacher Quirrell as he made Snape nervous, but I couldn’t say anything either way.

I had written to Darren a few times to see how he was, but no reply came, he must have been busy with quidditch.

‘You’ve been asking about Dǎkāi xīnlíng.’ A voice came from just behind where I was sitting in the pub, I turned to see the hooded man, he was keeping his hot tea close to his body, his face still covered. ‘You are looking for the sacred village.’

‘Yes, can you take me there?’

The hooded figure shook his head. ‘No, you must find your own way. Travellers on the path to enlightenment may only find what they seek, if they are worthy of the secrets within.’ His voice was scratchy and low, I wasn’t exactly sure whether I should have trusted him.

‘Who are you?’

‘I am the guide, I am the one who allows the travellers to find Dǎkāi xīnlíng.’

I looked around the pub and no one seemed to be paying us any attention, so I decided to move myself to sit opposite him.

‘Will you allow me to find it?’

I thought I heard him laughing quietly. ‘That is the wrong question.’

‘What’s the right question?’

‘Will you allow yourself to find the answers you seek?’

For a moment it was as if the hooded figure could see the brother inside me, like he could see him as clearly as I saw him sitting in front of me.

‘I have questions that I need answers to.’

‘Many have questions, many cannot allow themselves to find the answers. What makes you different?’

I didn’t have the answer, I didn’t understand the question. I wasn’t different, or was I?

‘A conflict.’ The hooded man nodded and once again seemed to look straight through me. ‘To make the journey to Dǎkāi xīnlíng, your mind must be free of conflict, doubt and fear.’

‘That’s impossible, you can never be without fear.’

‘Spoken like one who is unworthy of Dǎkāi xīnlíng.’ The Guide was angry, that much was obvious, he stood up and without another word, left the pub. I was left alone.

His crisp blue eyes fluttered open, it was a miserable November day and Darren ached the same way he ached every day. He could hear the echoes of screaming the same way he did every day, his mind adjusted and the screams became a low level ringing, the same as it did every day. Every day.

Darren’s room hadn’t changed much in the years he had slept there, his Quidditch trophies and medals scattered over his walls and his most prized brooms mounted higher up. His room was just down the hall from Angie’s and he liked it that way, he could keep an eye on her, just in case.

He turned his head and felt a warm body next to his, Clara.

‘Morning.’ He mumbled and placed a delicate kiss on her forehead as her big dark eyes slowly began to open. As soon as they were open, he gave her a small smile and got out of bed. ‘I didn’t realise you came over.’ Darren said, sitting on the bed and stretching his body in every way that felt better.

‘You don’t remember seeing me last night?’ Her light, airy voice was like music to his ears.

‘No, why, should I have done?’ He chuckled and turned slightly to see Clara frowning slightly. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘You… you had another episode.’ She confessed and Darren immediately stood up, wandering to put a t shirt on to avoid the conversation he’d been avoiding for well over a year now. ‘Darren-‘

‘Was anyone hurt?’

It took Clara a moment to respond. ‘No, but I think you owe Remus another apology.’

‘Remus?’ Darren turned and it was his turn to frown. ‘Angie is still in Tibet; shouldn’t he be at the school teaching kids? What was he doing here?’

‘He came because he cares for Angie’s family.’ Clara almost leaped out of bed in frustration, throwing her jumper and trousers on. ‘He’s a caring man who wants to make sure the people he loves are okay.’

Darren chuckled to himself. ‘He may be a caring man, but he’s not-‘ Darren suddenly stopped himself, he sighed and grabbed his jeans.

‘He’s not what?’ Clara demanded. He hated it when she got like this, overreacting to every little thing that left his mouth.

Darren took another breath and zipped up his jeans. ‘Look, I know you and him are close, but I’m starting to wonder if he’s the right fit for Angie.’

Clara froze and pierced his stare with her own.

‘I’m not saying he’s a bad man, I would never say that-‘

‘Then what are you saying?’ Clara demanded again.

‘I’m saying that… I’m just starting to notice patterns with him.’ Darren tried to explain himself, he carefully stepped towards Clara and lowered his voice to a much more calming state. ‘Every time Angie gets hurt-‘

‘Remus is the first one there.’

‘Yes, and that’s not what I’m questioning,’ Darren kept Clara focused on him and took another step towards her. ‘It’s the times when she’s unconscious… when you were at St Mungo’s I was there every waking moment, making sure you recovered, making sure that if you woke up, I was the first person you saw and I did that because I love you. Clara, I love you so much and I couldn’t stand it if you woke up in a strange place without me around to help you. Remus doesn’t do that for Angie, he wasn’t there after the World Cup, when she was in Bulgaria he came back early and left her there on her own. She was scared before going to Tibet and he knew that, so why didn’t he try to stop her?’

Clara thought for a moment. ‘Remus would have had his reasons, he always has a reason.’

‘And what if that reason is because he doesn’t love Angie after all?’ Darren held Clara’s hands in his, trying to make her see. ‘I hate to say it, I really hate to say it, but I’ve seen people like Remus before, quiet, shy, intelligent. They always have an agenda and I worry for my sister. Clara, I worry so much for my sister, you know what she means to me, she’s my best friend and I can’t let anyone hurt her.’ Darren was close to tears and Clara immediately wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close.

Darren loved the way she felt against him, her strong and slender body fit in his broad and bulky frame so perfectly. He wasn’t sure how long they stood there, holding each other, but Darren would have stayed there forever, had a noise from in the kitchen not interrupted them.

Darren frowned and grabbed his wand, keeping Clara back behind him. He carefully manoeuvred himself down the stairs and peered into the kitchen. False alarm. His father had spilled hot water on the floor and was in the middle of clearing it up. He was muttering to himself, clearly annoyed at the whole thing.

‘Dad?’ Darren carefully stepped into the kitchen and approached his father.

‘Oh Darren,’ he plastered a fake smile to his face. ‘I didn’t realise you were up already. Did you get enough sleep?’ His voice was shaky and nervous.

‘Yeah, it was fine.’ Darren smiled at his father, sympathetically. It was hard to understand how difficult everything had been for him and Darren only wanted to help. ‘Are you alright?’

‘Yes, yes, fine.’ His father quickly charmed the boiling pot back onto the stove and indicated the table. ‘Another letter from Angie, she’ll be in the fire tonight, you should speak to her, give her some words of comfort.’

Darren paused for a moment, the only sound was the faint ringing in his ears.

‘Dad… what happened last night?’ Darren watched his father, hunched over the steaming pot, apparently no real concern for his own safety, until Darren spoke again. ‘Dad, please, tell me what happened.’

‘You need to speak with Angie,’ he said firmly, facing his son with an anger Darren had seen more of in recent times. ‘You need to apologise to Remus and this time you need to mean it. His and Angie’s relationship is none of your concern, if she has chosen him to love then he is worthy of her affections and you have absolutely no right to say otherwise. You will go to the school today and you will apologise to Remus for your actions, you will come home, you will speak with you sister and you will tell her what you have done. No arguments. Am I understood?’

Darren swallowed, feeling the tears swell behind his eyes. ‘Yes, sir.’

His father sighed, his eyes softened ever so slightly and he rounded the table to embrace his son. ‘Darren, my boy, my strong boy, I wish I could take this back, I wish I could take it all back. I never wanted this for my children.’

Darren wrapped his strong arms around his father and prayed for forgiveness, they cried together for a while, father and son, for just a while they were each other’s strength.

Clara soon left to get to work and Darren promised her he would see Remus and apologise, though the look in his eyes let her know that his worries still stood. Darren and his father had breakfast together, they watched the rain together and they talked about old times.

Darren made good on his promise and just after lunch he made his way to the castle to see Remus. The rain had stopped and Darren sucked in the smell of the wet grass, the familiar courtyard had a new group of students entertaining, soaked through, not caring about the dampness of the stone around them.

A few students recognised Darren immediately and before he made it to the DADA classroom, a whole group of them had cornered him, asking for autographs.

‘That’s enough.’ A strangely hoarse and authoritative voice called from just up the corridor. The man himself was wandering through the crowds of students with such ease, the way Darren remembered when he was at Hogwarts. ‘I believe Mr Lockwood is here on business and would rather have his privacy. Besides, most of you have studying to do.’ Remus half smiled and the students soon dispersed. ‘Darren.’ He nodded and gestured for Darren to follow him into the empty classroom.

Remus strode up to his desk, immediately throwing a few papers on top of an already increasing pile of work. He looked much healthier than he had done when Darren sat as a student in the classroom, much more alive and filled with energy. Remus sighed and threw his cloak over his chair.

‘What can I do for you Darren?’ He asked, tidying away a few things and finally leaning back against his desk to face Darren with his arms folded.

‘I… I just wanted to apologise.’ Darren almost mumbled, for the first time since he could remember, he couldn’t find his words. ‘I haven’t been myself lately and… well, I… I shouldn’t have said those things to you.’

It was a painful few moments between Darren’s last words and Remus sighing, his gaze drifting to the window. The Dark Arts professor slowly stood up properly and took a few steps towards Darren.

‘Darren, I am one of the very few people in this world who know what you are going through. I won’t claim to understand the way you feel, but I do at least have some basic inside knowledge.’ Remus took another breath. ‘I will tolerate most things, I’m a patient man, I believe in peaceful solutions and alternative approaches to negotiation… but the one thing I will not tolerate above anything is anyone who dares question my love for Angelina.’

‘Remus, I-‘

‘How dare you care to presume,’ his voice was menacingly quiet. ‘How dare you assume that I would use her for her intellect, I have spent nearly four years of my life caring for Angelina, I have spent four years helping her grow into the person she wants to be, I have spent that time sacrificing my own needs to serve hers and if you dare to think that I am unprepared or unwilling to spend the remainder of my life giving everything I have to ensure her happiness, then you and I will find ourselves in many more of these conversations and I cannot guarantee that I will exert quite this much control.’

Darren swallowed. He could feel a rage building inside of him and did everything he could to keep it in check.

‘I can only apologise for my actions last night Remus,’ Darren could hear his voice faltering. ‘Please understand that I wasn’t myself.’

Remus took a breath and glanced to the floor momentarily. ‘That is something I can understand.’ He said and Darren felt the tension ease slightly. ‘I presume you have no memory of last night either?’

‘None.’ Darren admitted. Remus wandered back up to lean against his desk again and Darren found himself sitting in his old seat, watching his old professor.

‘I worry that what we are seeing in you is the future for Angelina… if there is any way to stop it, we need to know.’ Remus suddenly caught Darren’s expression. ‘I don’t mean to say you’re keeping anything, but any information helps and you know how her mind works.’

Darren found himself smiling slightly. ‘You could talk about the weather and she would have an idea for some new fertiliser for her plants.’

‘Exactly.’ Remus breathed. It was another moment before he spoke. ‘You accused me of something last night and while I understand you are going through a difficult time, I can’t help but be bothered by it.’

‘Remus, whatever it was, I didn’t mean it.’

‘You might not, but everything you have said to me whilst having these episodes so far has been a logical perspective to have, particularly if you are someone on the outside looking in.’ Remus sighed. ‘You accused me of taking…’ It was hard to watch Remus in pain over something he’d said. ‘I have never and will never take advantage of her in anyway.’ It was said with such venom and Darren suddenly understood his pain. ‘I would never hurt her like that, I couldn’t.’

‘I know.’ Darren stood in an effort to comfort Remus. ‘I know you wouldn’t… I can’t offer an explanation for why I said it. I know you love her. I really do.’

Remus took a slow controlled breath, Darren could see that he was still angry over the accusation.

‘Look, I’m clearly not helping things by staying here, I’ll leave you in peace.’ Darren began turning to the door. ‘Just know that as much as you love her, she is still my sister and I will do everything to protect her, I’ll question anyone who comes near her. I love her as well.’

Remus nodded, though it was unconvincing. Darren didn’t stay any longer, he offered a half smile and left his old professor in peace.

Remus watched Darren leave his classroom, he tried to remain calm for as long as he could before he couldn’t control himself any longer. Remus found a new strength to pick up the nearest desk to him and launch it across the room, he felt better and kept going until several desks were upturned and broken. How dare Darren accuse him of such horrendous acts! How dare anyone think he didn’t love Angelina with every part of his being! How dare Darren think for a single second that he wouldn’t give his life for her! He would give everything to see her smile, to see her laugh, to see her happy even at the cost of his own happiness. He knew that Angelina wouldn’t want that though, he knew she would only be truly happy if they both were and so that was what Remus had always worked towards.

‘Sir?’ A voice came from the door to Remus’s classroom.

He looked up from one of the broken desks, panting to see his fifth years edging into the classroom. Remus took a deep calming breath and looked around at what he had done, raking his hand through his sandy hair. He began to wander towards his own desk which somehow managed to remain standing and flicked his wand to repair the broken desks behind him, sending them back into their original position.

‘Take your seats,’ Remus was still a little out of breath, he looked down at his hands to see that his knuckles had been scraped badly. ‘Turn to chapter sixty-three and we will begin.’

He could hear the students doing as they were told behind him, though their movements seemed slower than he would have liked. Remus quickly found a spare rag and wrapped it around his hand, taking a few more deep breaths before starting his first lesson of the afternoon.

Angelina,

Please tell me you are safe, that you are not risking yourself for any reason. I presume you have already spoken with Darren, if you have any questions then we can of course discuss them.

I pride myself on being the man you can turn to when you are in need, I pride myself on being yours entirely, but tonight I need you to be there for me, I need you to tell me that I am not failing you, that I am not hurting you. I need your reassurance that I am worthy of you. Please Angelina, I need you.

Yours always

Remus

I stared down at the writing, I had never thought Remus was ever one to doubt his worth to me. Maybe this was something I needed to learn about, maybe I wasn’t doing my job.

I knelt down close to the fire in my room and waited for him to appear.

‘Angelina.’ His voice sighed through the flames.

‘Remus tell me what you need.’

He smiled and sighed. ‘I just needed to hear your voice. Your brother is getting worse, he had another episode last night when I was visiting your mother.’

‘Wait, what do you mean another episode? Since when has he been having episodes? What kind? Like blackouts?’ I crossed my legs and shuffled closer, how could Darren not have told me about this? Remus seemed unsure for a moment.

‘Darren has been having episodes of erratic behaviour, twice I have been there when he has not taken kindly to my presence.’ Remus took a breath. ‘I visited your mother last night because I heard she had had a tough week and I thought I would attempt to comfort her while your father was working. However, Darren came in and threw around some accusations, of course, he didn’t mean what he was saying, he wasn’t himself, but they were hurtful all the same.’

‘What kind of accusations?’ I frowned. My question seemed to pain Remus more than I thought it would, he took a long few moments to compose himself.

‘Angelina,’ his voice shook. ‘He… I would never hurt you, you know that don’t you?’

‘Of course, I know that.’

‘I can’t bear the thought of anyone thinking that I could do that to you, that I could… I have done everything I can to ensure you are happy and comfortable and I can’t let anyone take that away from me. Please, Angelina, come home. I need you.’

I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t stand to see Remus like this, I would love to have come home and wrapped myself in his arms, kissed him repeatedly and allowed him all the time in the world to feel more like himself again. But I was finally making progress in Tibet, I was finally closer to finding Dǎkāi xīnlíng and putting an end to the brothers hold on me.

‘Remus, I want to, I want to be there with you, I want to give you everything you need right now, but it took me three weeks to get here, the portkeys aren’t that regular.’ I could see his disappointment. ‘Please believe me that I want to be there, but by the time I make it back you might not feel like this and I would have wasted a month travelling. You’re okay, I promise, you’re going to be fine and I will come home and I will give you everything you need, but I can’t do that if the brother is still inside me. We can’t have a life together if I’m not the woman you deserve.’ I could feel myself losing a few tears and I really didn’t want to.

Remus was quiet for a while, I knew he hated where we were, I knew he needed me, I needed him just as much.

‘You’re more than I deserve. I understand,’ he finally said and took a deep breath. ‘Tell me about Tibet, met any Yetis yet?’

I let a small smile go, I knew he was just trying to lighten the mood a little, so I told him about everything I had seen, I had written to him a few times, but he didn’t know about the guide or the monk and this seemed like the opportune time to ask for help.

‘…what do you think it means?’ I finished with what the guide had said to me and Remus thought for a while.

‘I think this is something you need to work out alone.’ He sighed. ‘Angelina, this hasn’t just been a research trip, this is a spiritual journey you are on and, as much as I hate to say it, one you must walk alone… but let me say this: you went there out of fear, you got scared over losing control of your body, of being possessed and you need to be careful that that fear does not consume you. Think about the other reasons you are there, what are you there to find, what are you prepared to face and can you accept these two things as being the same. This is yet another puzzle that cannot be worked out in your head alone, it takes something more.’

‘My heart?’ I frowned. The last time Remus had said that, it was to do with my working out how I felt about him, it was a puzzle, a set of pieces that required more than knowledge to put together, it required my heart.

‘Instinct, I’ve often found, can be a worthy replacement for intellect. What does your heart tell you?’

I thought for a moment.

‘If you have to think, it’s not instinct. Thought allows room for questions and questions lead to self-doubt. From what you have already said, the guide will not accept these things as worthy qualities. Try answering the question with the first thing that comes to mind, treat it the same as a duel, the attack is the question, the answer is the defence.’

‘I can do that.’ I nodded.

‘Good, then I feel sure you will find Dǎkāi xīnlíng. Stay focussed and stay safe.’ Remus implored.

‘Thank you and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there when you needed me. I really wish I could just come home.’

Remus smiled. ‘No, I am sorry for trying to distract you on your path, but you handled it wonderfully. I will see you when you are home, whenever that may be.’

I sighed. ‘I have a feeling, I’ll not be home for Christmas.’

Remus smiled and let out a small laugh. ‘No, no I think not, but that is okay, everyone will understand.’

‘I’ll be thinking of you, missing you.’

‘I miss you too.’ Remus smiled that wonderful smile through the flames. ‘I’d best go, it must be late over there and I have some work to catch up on. I love you Angelina, stay safe for me.’

‘I will, I promise.’ I smiled and watched him slowly fade away.

I took a shaky breath and quickly wiped away any tears that remained on my face. I felt like a failure, Remus needed me and I couldn’t be there. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was making myself better for him, I tried desperately to believe it, but no matter what, the brother was always there to distract me.

‘Well, I suppose you’ve shown your true colours.’ He hissed.

‘Shut up.’ I leaned against the post of the bed and tried to take a few deep breaths.

‘He will never understand why you stayed, he will not know why you left him in his time of need.’

‘Stop.’

‘He needed you and you told him no.’

‘Stop.’

‘He will never forgive you.’

‘Just stop!’

‘Why should I? Why should I help you when you will not help me?!’

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.

‘I will kill my brother, Angie, with or without your help, I will kill him.’

‘Shut up!’ I screamed until my throat hurt. I could hear a ringing in my ears and closed my eyes taking a series of deeper breaths. ‘Tomorrow I will find the way to Dǎkāi xīnlíng and I will find a way to save me and my brother.’

‘You will fail.’ The words were said so quietly I couldn’t help but think it might not have been the brother saying them, but rather my own doubts seeping into view.

The cold air was biting against my skin, winter was fast approaching and the small village was collecting supplies to see them through. It was a peaceful setting and I wondered if what I was seeing was just part of every day life here. The people all seemed to be content with each other, they knew each other, they helped each other, and no one seemed to find anything to be upset about.

I hugged my long black coat tighter to my body and wandered out to explore the surrounding area a little. There wasn’t a lot of snow on the ground just yet, but I could see snow caking the mountain peak. Something told me I needed to climb the mountain, it didn’t look like a recommended hill climb, but I had a good feeling that I would find Dǎkāi xīnlíng along the way.

I caught the briefest glimpse of the guide walking quickly out of the village and before I could leave in the other direction, I sprinted after him. Maybe he would lead me to where I needed to go. I ran as fast as I could for as long as I could before I finally lost him, I was right at the very bottom of Manaslu and the intimidating mountain towered over me, I felt sick looking up at it.

I needed to find this place, I needed to make the climb, maybe it was at the summit, maybe it was a hidden passageway that I needed to locate, maybe all I needed was my intellect. No, no, that’s not what Remus said, some things take more than intelligence, some things take something more.

‘Why don’t I understand?’ I sighed and covered my face in frustration. ‘I just want to understand. How do I find enlightenment? Please, Remus, help me.’ I could hear a distant growling and uncovered my face, turning in the direction I heard the sound, this was not the place I needed to be right now. I needed to get back to the village for safety.