It had been about a week since Vi’s problem had first come up.
She’d been cleaning up after a small band that had performed in The Last Drop, the biggest live music venue in Zaun. After closing the venue, she’d wrapped up cords and put away microphone stands. Once she’d finished clearing the stage, she’d picked up her old guitar, a hand-me-down from her father, and plucked out a melody, one of her own that she’d written after a late night at The Last Drop had inspired her. She’d hummed along, since she wasn’t a singer by any means.
Unknowingly, she’d garnered an audience of one halfway through. She had heard a slight shuffle as her song ended, and she’d looked up to see someone leaning against the wall, listening with a casual smile.
This was where the problem had begun. The stranger had introduced herself as “Caitlyn”, the lead vocalist in her band. Then, Caitlyn had shamelessly asked Vi to join her band, claiming their guitarist had quit.
Vi, of course, had declined immediately. She had never performed before, and she wasn’t going to do it with people she didn’t even know. But Caitlyn wouldn’t give up. She came by every damn night to catch Vi after her shift, which was well past midnight, trying to convince her. She tried every tactic in the book, even a slight bribe with delicious-sounding meals.
Vi had never met someone more insistent in her life—aside from Powder, maybe. Vi found it annoying, like a fly buzzing in her ear. She actually didn’t mind bugs. She’d eaten a few crickets as a child. But, she wasn’t a big fan of bugs when they were buzzing near her ear. She tried to be more than annoyed; she tried to be angry and yell at Caitlyn to get her to go away, but she found she couldn’t. There was something oddly charming about this girl.
Caitlyn, on the other hand, had always considered herself to be in control, not to lose herself and act out, but losing her guitarist had her doing crazy things she’d never normally do—like showing up to appeal to the same person for a week straight, well past midnight.
And tonight was no different. After Vi’s shift ended, Caitlyn walked into The Last Drop. Vi braced herself for another half hour of saying no. But this time, Caitlyn didn’t start begging.
"Okay," Caitlyn relented, collapsing into a chair with a huff. “I won’t bother you for too long tonight, okay? I just... aghh, I don't know. You're so... comfortable with the guitar. You've got clear skill.” Caitlyn buried her face in her hands in frustration. After a moment, she sighed and quietly said, "I'm sorry I keep bothering you."
Vi’s eyes widened at the apology. This was something she hadn’t expected at all. Her features softened as she sat at the edge of the stage. It was close, but not too close. For her, that was enough. She fidgeted with her pick in her hand, palming it over and over. “Did you really lose a guitarist?” she asked quietly. She really did want to know. She wanted to empathize. And… she supposed she was a little curious. “Um. I mean, I'm uh, sorry they left... I guess. That isn't an easy thing.” Great, Vi. You really sound full of empathy over here.Fuck, she’s gonna be heartbroken at my decision, though.
Caitlyn nodded, a sigh escaping her lips. "Yeah, she just... she said it wasn't her dream anymore." She pulled one of her legs up to hug against her chest. "She said she wanted to pursue a 'real career' and left. Just like that. Leaving us reeling and dizzy and confused." She looked at Vi softly. "But I shouldn't make it your problem. I'm just... so impressed by you."
Vi looked away, unable to keep Caitlyn’s stare. It made her feel too guilty. Guilt was a strange thing. It prickled in her chest and stabbed at her over and over. “That sucks... I mean, I'm sorry,” she added quickly. Then, the rest of Caitlyn’s words hit her. “You think I’m… impressive?” She hesitantly glanced over at Caitlyn’s face, searching for hidden sarcasm, but found nothing but a genuine look. “Why? You don’t even know me.”
Caitlyn noticed Vi’s apprehension immediately. “The day I heard you… I didn’t mean to listen in.”I had come back to grab my friend's phone that she forgot. Then, I hear this amazing melody plucked on a guitar. I look over, and it's you. I listened for a bit, watching as you skillfully mastered the fretboard and the strings. Then… well, you know the rest.”
“You begged me to join.”
“Not my proudest moment.”
“Jeez…” Vi sighed, looking down at her hands fumbling the guitar pick again. Embarrassment flushed through her. Oh shit. She’d seen me…actually heard me. Vi ran her hand through her hair, gripping a fistful of it before releasing. “I don’t think it was that amazing. Not good enough for a band. I’ve never even been on a real stage before…” she whispered almost to herself.
Caitlyn got up from her chair abruptly, regarding Vi carefully and respectfully, before sitting next to her on the stage, her shoulder just barely shy from touching. “You're already quite talented in your solo work, from the snippet I heard that night. Doing it with a band is somewhat easier. You can rely on your bandmates to help carry the weight.” Caitlyn looked over at you and gave Vi a small smile. “Maybe you could come jam with us sometime. See what it's like. No string attached, no expectations. Just a group of people who love music. Isn't that what it's all about, anyway?”
Vi fought with herself internally. On one hand, getting to express the music within her on stage with other musicians was a dream come true. On the other hand, she’d always worked pretty solo. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to manage this “team” thing. She looked over at Caitlyn, who was looking at her expectantly. No strings attached. Vi was tempted to say yes, to have a trial. This was her dream. This could be a really good experience.
At the same time, the idea of joining people she didn’t know, of standing on a stage and possibly making a fool out of herself, terrified the hell out of her. “I… I don’t know…” she mumbled. She didn’t dare look into Caitlyn’s eyes.
“Okay,” Caitlyn murmured, scooting a little closer, her shoulder now directly pressed into Vi’s. “How about we play for you, then. I’ll play the guitar part, and we’ll give you a little performance. Then, you can still turn us down if you want to.” Caitlyn’s fingertips brushed against Vi’s elbow so softly. So gently. So tenderly. Then, she hopped off the edge of the stage, walking over to her guitar case, pulling out the instrument. It was a beautiful black electric guitar with gold accents. “And if you decide you want to jam with us a little, you can play my guitar.” Caitlyn played out a riff, shocking Vi.
Vi’s eyes widened at the beautiful guitar. “Wait, really?” she asked hastily, jumping off the stage to see the instrument up close. Suddenly, she stopped. “If you can play like that, why do you need me?” Vi asked, feeling self conscious. She wasn’t sure what she was more baffled by—the fact that Caitlyn who had continued to seek out Vi was such a talented musician, or the fact that she was asking Vi to join. And now… she was offering her guitar.
“We'd be so much better with you," Caitlyn murmured. "I could focus more on vocals rather than shredding at the same time. I have no doubt you’ll fit right in. So what do you say, come give us a listen?”
Vi chewed her lip, her heart beating fast for absolutely zero fucking reason, but she couldn’t say no at this point. Not as she gazed at her…
“Okay, that’s… fair. Okay, I’ll come listen.” Vi gave a small nod, stepping closer.
Caitlyn grinned, taking Vi’s hand. “I knew you’d come around.”
The two women left The Last Drop, Vi locking up before she left. They walked down the streets together, Caitlyn’s hand still holding Vi’s. They walked until they arrived at a small studio. Caitlyn gave her a smile, bright and dazzling, pulling Vi into the studio. The rest of her band stood in the room, turning their heads at the entrance.
“This is the rest of the band. Seb over there is on bass, Loris is on drums, and Maddie over there is our keyboardist,” Caitlyn whispered to Vi before turning to address the rest of the band. “This is Vi. She plays the guitar.”
Vi suddenly felt uncomfortable as four sets of eyes were now on her, some more interested than others. She swallowed hard, her eyes darting to each person, suddenly feeling very out of place. But then she looked over at Caitlyn, and she felt a little safer. “Hey,” she forced out, waving at the others.
The others gave her a polite nod, and Loris gave her a warm smile. “Welcome, Vi,” he said, spinning his drumstick between his fingers.
“Let’s play our bestseller for Vi. I think she’ll like it,” Caitlyn announced, walking up to the mic. Vi wasn’t sure what she was going to hear. Caitlyn’s accent seemed like she’d only sing a certain type of music, but the girl had already surprised her once with her deft guitar playing.
Caitlyn began the guitar intro, and the other slowly joined in as the song permitted. She sidled up to the microphone and sang out the first sultry line.
“And I’m thinking about you
While I’m up here higher than God
Feeling strange ‘bout the way that we left things in the back of the car”
Vi froze. Her jaw had probably cranked open at some point, hanging loose and slack, with a stricken expression permanently etched on her features. The way Caitlyn swayed and serenaded to the melody was far too seductive. It was so cruel. It made Vi’s breath throb and hitch in her throat painfully. Each word slammed into her chest like a suckerpunch, straight to her heart.
“Mm, you believe that I’m in pain
Help me disassociate
I just wanna be a good passenger”
Vi felt every description and word give her not only the feeling of intimacy but the feeling of fervent loneliness. It felt like a sensual twist in her stomach that tightened and grabbed at her like a hand that had risen from the sea. She felt so… seen. Like Caitlyn had managed somehow to reach into her chest and pull every tangled nerve and every messy emotion to the surface.
“I’m feeling fantastic
I’m fucking fantastic
I wanna get drunk and watch American classics
Drink champagne out of plastic
Don’t you want someone crazy like me, babe?
I’m feeling amazing
I’m fucking amazing
I’m high as a kite, I’m sat here picturing you naked
You just have to take it
If you want someone crazy like me, babe.”
Torturously aroused and completely overwhelmed, Vi sat practically drooling and panting at Caitlyn’s feet. It took everything in her to blink and remember to look at the rest of the band every few seconds to pretend she wasn’t drowning in the seas of lust and love.
Vi couldn’t help but think it was like heaven and hell got married and had a child that launched her into the skies with its voice. How was she still breathing? Vi wasn’t quite sure Caitlyn was even human. Perhaps she was a siren or an angel in disguise. She couldn’t tear her eyes away enough, feeling completely under Caitlyn’s spell. Her curse. And as Vi let the lyrics sink in, she felt like she was putty in Caitlyn’s hands. She thought she’d start melting right there, becoming a stricken puddle on the ground beneath her. Is this what drugs felt like? Is this what sex felt like?
Throughout the song, Caitlyn had made direct eye contact most of the time, except for when her eyes were closed as she felt the music. The way she stared at Vi singing a song so raw and lustful made Vi’s insides throb and her heart hammer against her chest like it was aching to fly out and attach itself securely to Caitlyn Kiramman. It was like she could see right into Vi’s soul as she sang a deliciously filthy song. Vi felt sunburnt just standing there, being burnt to a crisp from the blistering heat of Caitlyn’s stare. It was torture. The sweetest torture.
Vi felt her pulse hammering like gunshots in her ears. She felt her sweat prickle at the base of her neck and trail down her back tattoos like an icy shard cutting through her skin. That gaze. She couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. She could only feel electrified. Blistering. Boiling. Each word hit her like a bullet, piercing into her chest and setting her organs on fire, detonating the bombs in her blood vessels. She wanted to step out of her body just to be free of the feelings inside of her.
Caitlyn looked directly at Vi as she sang the last line.
“And I’m thinking of you
While I’m up here higher than God.”
As the music faded, Caitlyn looked at Vi expectantly. “What did you think?” she murmured, taking a step from behind the microphone and towards Vi, the guitar still acting as a barrier between the two of them. For that, Vi was thankful (sort of). It felt like a barrier she both wanted to smash into pieces to have Caitlyn’s body flush against hers but at the same time… the protection there… the distance. She needed it.
“I think…” Vi stammered, trying to search inside herself, a mess of broken pieces, for her composure. It took everything in her to meet Caitlyn’s eyes again as the thick heaviness built itself up in the back of her throat. Her heart felt way too big for her chest. It was far too claustrophobic. Every cell was about to burst out in song. Death would have been preferred.
“I have the chord chart and music if you want to try it out,” Caitlyn whispered next. “To see if you like playing with a band.”
Vi desperately wanted to say “yes!” even though it terrified her to imagine the intimacy of playing alongside Caitlyn while she sang such words. The word caught in her throat, stopped by fear. “I would like to try…” Vi whispered back, her fear bubbling within her. The looming threat of being a disappointment did not go unnoticed as she swallowed thickly. “It would be incredible. I’ve never gotten to… but… what if I mess up?”
Fuck.
Self-doubt.
Feeling small.
She bit her lip, caught between two desires, being pulled apart at the seams. She wanted to just drown in whatever perfume Caitlyn was wearing.
“We’ll go slow, and I’ll help you through it.” Caitlyn took the guitar off of herself and placed it gingerly with its strap around Vi’s shoulders, her fingers just barely brushing against hard muscle and tattooed skin.
Vi shuddered at the contact, her mind going wild. Fuckfuckfuckfuck her fingersbrushedagainstme theycouldsetmeonfire. It felt like she was free falling. She was a drop of rain on the windshield, shaking as she readied to slide off and paint the concrete below. She was a cliff tumbling backwards into the sea, while Caitlyn was her gravity. She felt that she would drop right to her knees if Caitlyn touched her like that again.
“Okay, I’ll give you a moment to read over the music and calibrate yourself. Don’t rush, it’s okay.” Caitlyn set up a music stand for Vi with the music before giving her some space to get accustomed to the feel of a new guitar. She returned to the mic, humming into it a little and chatting with the rest of her bandmates. She looked so truly casual and comfortable and in her element. Up until now, Vi had just seen her shamelessly begging Vi to join her band. But now? Caitlyn was the one in control, and the tables had turned. Vi wanted to memorize every little detail, drinking it in like she hadn’t known water. She wanted to memorize everything down to the way Caitlyn’s lashes curled up. She just wanted to be in Caitlyn Kiramman’s orbit forever.
She wanted to crawl inside Caitlyn’s ribcage and beat in time with her heart, feel the rhythms in her veins. The last tag of the song echoed in her head, almost as if it were sung directly to her.
“What’s wrong, Vi?” Caitlyn asked, cracking a smile. “Never held a guitar before?”
Vi panicked even more, mortified beet red blush dawning on her face, rivaling her jacket. For fuck’s sake, she noticed I’m a mess. Fuck, Vi, shitting yourself much? I can’t even look at her. It’s too obvious how I’m feeling. I might as well be a fucking neon sign flashing ‘I LOVE YOU’.
Yet Vi has never felt so alive.
“No!” she exclaimed. She cleared her throat. “No, I just… I wasn’t… I just…” Vi trailed off, shrugging helplessly, trying to keep just a semblance of cool within her. “You’re really good. I’m… jealous.” The words slipped out before she could stop them, and she winced, waiting for the jeering. For the laughter and amusement. But it didn’t come. Instead, Caitlyn smiled, her expression soft as a little wrinkle appeared between her brows.
“We’d be so much better with you,” Caitlyn insisted sincerely. “I could focus on vocals. And you… you’re cute.” She gestured to the rest of the band. “And they have yet to hear you play. I’ve already told them how amazing you are.”
Vi had never had a problem with thinking she’s not good enough for someone. But now? Caitlyn asking her to be a part of her band, her inner circle? It made her heart lurch dangerously as she clutched around a glimmer of hope. She wanted to believe that Caitlyn really did want her around, but those doubts still stayed in the back of her head.
She’s just being nice. She doesn’t really mean it. She’s just humoring me.
But.
The way she’s looking at me…
Like I’m the only thing in her world…
The center of her universe.
Terrifying.
Exhilarating.
Overwhelming.
Vi didn’t know how to process these new feelings. She didn’t know how to handle the tidal wave of emotions that crashed over her as she drowned. She was drowning. Suffocating. Gasping for air.
But she never wanted it to stop.
“Do you really think so?” Vi asked, her voice barely over a breath. “I want to. I just… I don’t know if I’m ready.” The words came out unfiltered and raw. She hadn’t even admitted this to herself yet, and now here she was, laying out her soul bare to Caitlyn. She hasn’t ever admitted, even to Vander. To Powder. That she was terrified. Of failure. Disappointment. Not being good enough. Letting everyone down. But the thought of making music with Caitlyn… it was a foghorn. A siren song she couldn’t ignore.
“Focus on enjoying the music today. Then, you can see if you like it. We have all made mistakes several times in one practice section. But we power through.” Caitlyn gave Vi one of those weak-at-the-knees, heartwarming smiles, taking her place at the microphone. “Play the intro.”
Vi took a deep breath, grounding herself. She had to remind herself she’d done this before. It wasn’t her first goddamn time touching a guitar. Her fingers trembled as she positioned them over the strings. She closed her eyes, letting the lingering feelings from before wash over her and give her power, filling her veins like Shimmer. Then, she started to play.
The notes tumbled out a bit shaky at first, but she gained strength and power with each passing second. Vi allowed herself to get lost in the rhythm and the flow of the melody. She could feel the song traveling through her bones, through her blood. It was like an extension of her very being.
She poured her whole heart into it, every ounce of passion she had. She wasn’t just playing the song anymore, she was living it. Breathing it. Bleeding it.
She opened her eyes to see Caitlyn watching her, not with pity or indulgence, but with something else. Awe. Wonder. Like Caitlyn was seeing Vi for the first time. Really seeing her.
As the intro bled into the first verse, Caitlyn began to sing. It still shocked Vi at first, and she had to dig her heels into the ground to keep herself playing. She could barely hold herself together. She wasn’t sure she’d survive this. Her fingers faltered on the strings for a split second before she caught herself. She pulled herself back into the song, but it was impossible not to get lost in the turbulent sea. It was like a piece of her soul was being carved out with each verse, each chorus, each breathy phrase.
Caitlyn clutched the microphone during the pre-chorus, her eyes closed as she felt the music pulse through her body. Vi found herself wishing she was the microphone stand.
As the chorus began, Caitlyn kept her eyes on Vi for a while before throwing her head back to reveal the creamy skin of her throat as she sang, as if the music itself were sweeping her off her feet. She wrapped her long, slender leg around the microphone stand as she continued to sing.
Vi felt herself unravel.