To be seen failing breaks you down and strips you naked.
Jing Yuan was late. It was, despite his beloved habit of sleeping in, not the norm. He was never late, not for anything. As he ran out of the door to his dorm, he prayed Ren would not be too upset at him for not locking the door on his way out. It's not as if the flat would be left open, with his roommate asleep on the couch. Speed walking down the hallway, he refused to be the person running to their morning classes like a foolish first year, the white haired man wondered if maybe he'd be lucky enough to make it before their professor. The man was notorious for always running late, and so there was a high chance Jing Yuan would not be the last to arrive. As he walked up to the door to the lecture hall, he was relieved to see everyone else still waiting for their lecturer to arrive. He smiled at the crowd, greeting people he was more familiar with. Yukong - a confident and stern graduate of military school who'd decided to become a teacher after experiencing the pain and death her previous chosen career had to offer. They chatted for a while, catching up with each other. Jing Yuan mourned the fact that in his rush to make it on time he forgot to take any painkillers, allowing his then-mild headache to become a piercing migraine.
He sighed and excused himself as he opened his bag and pulled out a bottle of his prescribed medicine, popping it open and taking out two tablets before swallowing them dry. Yukong stared at him as he did so questioningly, raising an eyebrow at him as he sheepishly explained himself. "I get migraines, don't you worry, all this is in my medical record and prescribed to me by a professional. I'm not one to pop pills just because.." 'Not anymore', he thought, although he didn't voice that thought. The woman nodded, comforted. More and more students relied on performance-enhancing drugs these days, and it was a common sight to see someone look both ways before popping some unassuming pills before exams and important lectures. Nobody did anything, because they were one, all adults with enough brain not to agree to a bag search out of nowhere, and two - smart enough not to be too obvious with their actions, never admitting to using them and where they acquired them was an unwritten rule they collectively followed. It was scarily easy to access them, even in high school, once you got in touch with the right people, Jing Yuan would know.
Thinking back, he cannot say he regretted it fully. He was an overworked teenager with a toddler to take care of while relying heavily on his scholarships and state competitions to pay the bills. Of course he would resort to drugs to help him manage, destroying himself in the process. He would do it all over again, he thought, if it meant giving Yanqing a better childhood. He knows he isn't obligated to take care of the boy, but ever since he'd found him that day, he couldn't help but feel a sense of responsibility. He took one look at Yanqing, crying, malnourished and bloody and he'd looked that officer in his eyes and claimed the boy as his own. He'd quit for good, case closed and without any relapses when he'd realised that in one of his self-induced states let himself be convinced to go out and get drunk, all the while leaving a three year old Yanqing unattended at home for hours in the evening. Jing Yuan doesn't remember a time when he was more scared than that night, trying to convince a stranger he'd met at a party - a senior he'd only briefly met in passing, but knew his friends hung out with, to take him home without explaining what exactly was so urgent to a drunk and high out of his mind seventeen year old.
"Thank you so much, really, I will pay you back, you're doing me such a huge favour.." Jing Yuan's speech was slurred, his vision swimming, but his head was clearer than ever, it's just that his body refused to cooperate. He heard the other scoff and probably roll his eyes before responding in a teasing and bored drawl. "You're wasted kid. You that scared of your parents? If so, why beg me to get you home? Also, I saw the pills you popped before the party kicked off. You’re really fucked up right now, aren’t you?" Jing Yuan whined and melted into the seat, covering his eyes with his eyes. "I messed up.. I took more than I'm supposed to, but they're the only thing keeping me going these days.. Jingliu is counting on me to do well in the mathematics championships and I can barely keep my eyes open.. I can't rest at home either, because Yanqing is refusing to nap and I can't leave him unattended. I forgot.. I forgot about him for a while.. I'm never going to take those pills again." He was ranting, he knew, but once he started speaking his mind, he just couldn't stop. He couldn't keep it in anymore, he needed to confide in someone, anyone, before he actually goes insane. That wouldn't be good for his son. His problems were insignificant compared to giving the boy a good childhood, how could he'd been so careless? Is he really fit to be a parent? What if he hadn’t sobered up at that moment and was gone the entire night? A punishment was in order, he knew, but that would come in due time. First, he had a son to get to, and apologise on his knees to Yanqing. Maybe he should get him that new toy sword he’s been asking about? It’s way too expensive of a gift without an occasion, but if he skips making meals for himself and stays up once Yanqing is asleep to prepare the boy homemade dinners and store them in the fridge instead of the toddler food..
Counting the prices in his head, he barely notices that they have arrived at his apartment building. It’s only when his impromptu driver nudges his shoulder does Jing Yuan realise it’s time for him to leave the car. Unbuckling his seatbelt, the teen turns to the senior and smiles thankfully, although still visibly out of it. “Thank you so much really, I cannot thank you enough for this.. I don’t have any money to repay you but if there is anything I can do-” The senior smirks, looking him up and down, before meeting his eyes. “You can repay me by inviting me to go upstairs with you, and showing me to your bedroom.” Jing Yuan hesitated, thinking of Yanqing, all alone in the flat. Thinking how the only reason he got back tonight was this man. Sighing, he nods and averts his eyes. “Just.. Give me a second to sort something out, and don’t talk to him, okay?” The older looked puzzled at the wording, joining Jing Yuan in walking out of the elevator. “Your father is home and you’re agreeing for a hookup? You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that.”
“Not my father, I don’t live with my parents. I haven’t for a while. Just.. Yeah, nevermind.. Just don’t say anything until we’re in my bedroom.” The taller nodded, puzzled but not about to argue. Unlocking the door, small thumps could be heard as the two entered the apartment. “Baba! Baba you’re home! Missed you!” A small boy ran up to Jing Yuan, hugging the teen’s leg. Jing Yuan felt all the tension leave his body seeing Yanqing safe and sound, despite his brief absence. Crouching down, he ignores how unbalanced he feels as he cradles the boy’s cheeks to press a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Baba’s so, so sorry little sparrow. I will never leave for so long late at night again, I promise. Are you alright? Have you been good?” Yanqing nods dutifully, pointing at the neatly stacked wooden cubes, the tower looking shaky as if it was tested against the force of a hurricane and not an enclosed space. “I made you a tower, like in the story! I didn’t have a princess, but that’s okay! She made it out on her own, making friends with the dragon and flew off on its back!” Jing Yuan smiled and patted the boy’s head with a chuckle. “That’s a lovely tower baby, I’m glad the princess is happy and safe. Now let’s get you changed and put into bed, hm? The land of dreams awaits you, my little sparrow.” Yanqing, not one to argue with his father, nodded and trotted to his room to get changed and get ready for his bedtime story. He was a big boy now, so he didn’t need any help getting into his pyjamas! As long as they didn’t have any buttons..
The white haired teen turned to look up at the stunned senior still standing in his doorway. “Well? My room is just down the hall, I’ll join you in just a few minutes, I have to read him a bedtime story and he should be out cold.” The dark haired man blinked at him with a startled expression and turned his head. “I’ve changed my mind. Go, sleep. You look like you need it. I don’t want anything from you anymore.” It was Jing Yuan’s turn to look startled, blinking in confusion. “Why? I can lock the door, it’s fine, he won’t hear us nor will he come in.” “Look kid, I’m an asshole, but not enough of one to sleep with a teenager raising a kid that needed help. I’ve got loose morals but not nearly enough to go through with this. Besides, this place tells me enough to know you’re low on money.” Pausing for a moment, as if thinking his next words through, the older reaches out a hand expectantly. “Give me your phone, you can call me if you need a ride again. Or just someone to talk to. What you told me in the car was only the tip of the iceberg, wasn’t it? You’ll burn yourself out if you keep going like this.” Jing Yuan looked even more stunned, if that was possible and with shaky hands reached into his pocket to hand over his unlocked phone. The dark haired man grunted in thanks before typing it his number and saving it as ‘Blade’.
“You expect me to believe your name is just Blade?” Jing Yuan asked as Blade rolled his eyes. “No, my name is Ren, but everyone calls me Blade. It’s just easier.” The younger man hummed, before editing the contact name to ‘Ren’. At the other’s raised eyebrow, he smiled and tilted his head. “That might be. Even so, let me call you by your name. It suits you more, like it’s less dehumanising. Even if it means the same thing.”
Shaking his head, Jing Yuan entered the lecture hall, taking a seat in one of the middle rows. Placing down his laptop and opening it, he started typing away at an essay he had due, half-way listening to the professor explain the importance of sustainable global supply chains. Better not to reminisce on the past, when he had so much going on in the present already.