The Day Before
Chapter 10: The Day Before
“How is Ira doing in Paris?”
Tawan’s father was turning chicken over on the grill while she stood next to him sipping on a beer. They had been talking about how her and the twins had been doing the days since Ira was away at work. Aside from yesterday being a little busy with Sammy going to his best friend's birthday party, the rest of the time was rather calm. It was very much needed because all she wanted to do was spend some quality time with her children by herself.
Though each day presented a new challenge, Tawan was determined to overcome it. She soon found her footing between juggling work and being a single mom for the time being, and she was rewarded with the love and appreciation of her children. Though she did not want or expect praise from anyone for performing her motherly role because it was expected of her having made the conscious decision to have children, she did pat herself on the back occasionally when they positively reinforced in her she was doing well and when she accomplished something.
She was very thankful that Meena offered to finish their presentation for tomorrow, because it allowed her to spend some much needed quality time with her children who were more than over the moon to have her at home so much.
She only wished Ira was there so she could spend time with them all together.
Now, she got to enjoy a relaxing Sunday evening with her children and her parents. The twins were helping their grandmother in the kitchen finish preparing their sides for their Sunday family barbecue. They loved visiting their adoring and doting grandparents, and Tawan and Ira loved watching their parents love on and spend time with their children.
“She’s doing great,” Tawan replied, smiling proudly in thought. “She said she never felt better walking the show yesterday. She had so many people come up to her and congratulate her. Mali said she had a lot of brands ask for her contact information about future work.
“That’s good, that’s good,” Tawan’s dad agreed proudly. “She has certainly earned it.”
Tawan smiled at her father’s praise and appreciation for her wife. Her parents always treated Ira like she was their own, sometimes Tawan thought even better than herself which she preferred. Her parents had more than enough love to go around, the same as Ira’s parents had for her being so happy and content giving her away to her for marriage.
Tawan was nervous to talk to Ira’s parents about marriage when she was mulling it over because she knew how important and special their daughter was to them. She knew she had big shoes to fill from them as to what they expected of the person that would marry their daughter, especially since she was fresh out of college. So when they embraced her and told her they loved her after she asked them to marry their daughter, she cried in their arms at how sure and safe they sounded about Tawan loving their daughter for the rest of their lives.
“Do you think you are ready for your presentation tomorrow?” He asked, trying to be nonchalant, and turning some chicken.
“Ehh,” Tawan mumbled a bit, looking at the flames from the grill. “How can anyone ever be ready for him?”
“I know that you can. You are my daughter, after all,” he said matter-of factly.
“Hmm. Well, maybe you put a little too much confidence in me,” she mumbled half-jokingly.
“You only talk like this when you need help with figuring out something,” her father stated knowingly, flipping more meat. “I am ready when you are ready to share.”
Tawan looked at him, debating if she wanted to ruin her mood or dump so much on her father or both. Her parents always knew when she was being moody, and they always knew how to get out of her what was bothering her. They felt guilty about bouncing their children across Asia just as they were starting their developmental years, but things happened so fast and they always felt they were doing the right thing.
Though Tawan was upset with them growing up because of this, when she got older she realized how difficult it must of been for them as parents to make those decisions but wanting to do what you thought was best for your family at that time. Tawan and Ira had learned a lot about being parents and putting your children first from both of their parents.
“I feel like…,” she started, raising her beer in thought. “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why he won’t step aside and just let me do my job. I’ve tried talking to him like Mom suggested and showing him the numbers like you suggested. He’s just so damn arrogant and thinks he knows everything. Now he’s all 'If things don’t change…' as if he isn’t the change that's needed.”
“Sometimes, Tawan, you just have to let people bump their head,” he said from experience.
“If he bumps his head, Dad, then we receive the pain. Not him. We’re talking about other peoples careers and livelihoods. And that’s not just me coming from a place of selfishness,” she countered, taking a huge swig of her beer.
“Yes, I understand that, my daughter,” her father smiled softly, removing the chicken from the grill. “I am saying that if there is no other way for you to help him then you cannot save the sinking ship. You must have a backup plan.”
Tawan snorted, a little irritated. “I haven’t exactly had much time to think about a backup plan,” she half grumbled.
Her father set the tray of meat down beside the grill and turned it off. “You have a backup plan, you just do not want to take it,” he reminded her, eyeing the same.
“Dad, for the last time, I won’t take-“
“Pride, Tawan,” he cut her off, slicing the air. “Pride is what will be your downfall if you do not learn how to separate it from what you desire. I raised you to be smarter than that.”
“It’s my job to take care of my family and figure things out,” she retorted, pointing to her chest.
“Family helps family,” he reminded her. “I will move heaven and Earth for my children. Even if they will not allow me.”
“Dad,” she whined and stepped back. “I know you will. But I have to figure out things for myself. You won’t always be there.”
“Would you say the same thing to Star? Or Sammy?” Her father challenged and crossed his arms over his chest.
“That’s not fair,” Tawan argued.
“It’s the truth,” he told her. “You are a parent, and if your Mother and I raised you how I know we raised you, then you know I am right.”
Tawan huffed and turned half away from him, not wanting him to see that she did agree with him. There was nothing that Tawan would not do for her children, no task too complicated or place she would not seek and find. Her father was right: her pride was the one thing that would be her downfall if she did not harness and reign it in like she knew she needed to.
She just felt that her parents had done more than enough for her and her family over the years that she should be the one retiring them to put them at ease.
“Dad,” Tawan started, staring straight ahead in thought. “I love you and Mom. You have been very kind and generous to me and my fami-“
“Tawan!” He exclaimed, picking up the tray of meat and moving to stand in front of her. “You are our child. We are not kind and generous, we are your parents who love you and your family very much. We do what we do out of love.”
Tawan swallowed and looked down at her bottle. “I know the offer is still on the table. But that’s over 850,000 baht, Dad,” she reminded him, picking at the label.
“If it makes you happier then I don’t care. If it allows you to spend more time with your family instead of these long hours at that place then its fine and long overdue,” he told her, dismissing her concerns.
“It’s more than that,” she replied thickly, eyes stinging with tears. “Its an investment. That means there needs to be a return on it. What if this gamble doesn’t pay off? I also have to think about the strain that will put on my family.”
Her father stared at her as she put her head down to swallow harder and kept anxiously picking at the label on her beer. Now he was starting to see what the bigger problem was, and it was not only that she refused their offer because of her pride in taking any more help from them. He knew a thing or two about risks in business, he had made a few decisions that did not pan out as he had hoped. The bright side to all of those “failures”, however, was that he learned a lesson from all of them.
It just takes a while to realize that when you are drowning in them.
“Tawan?” He said, setting the tray back down then grabbing her shoulders. “Life is all about risks. You either take them or they take away from you in the form of always wondering what could have been. It’s never easy, and almost always scary, but we only get to live this life once. You better make sure you are living it and not letting it pass you by. Because once it does, that's it. Nothing can bring it back to you to do it over.”
Tawan swallowed hard, wiping the back of her hand over the corner of her eyes quickly. She knew he was right, and it scared her to admit that because it meant she had to step to the edge and fall. She had to stop staring into the abyss and start diving into it to see what was on the other side. Tawan’s confidence had been shaken significantly ever since Mr. Tek started micromanaging her leadership and dismissing her advice and expertise.
His magazine had been in publication for over fifteen years, so she felt inadequate when it came to who was more right even if the numbers were on her side.
“Out of my two children…,” he started again, putting his hand to her cheek to make her look up, “you are the one that is most like me. I have all the faith in the world in you to be the best at anything you set your mind to. You are strong. And you will not do this alone. You have Ira and your children, me and your mother, your brother, and some very special family and friends who believe in you. We will all be there every step of the way.”
Tawan sniffed and looked back up to him with watery eyes. “You think I’m just like you,” she smiled half-jokingly and they both laughed.
She knew she was, because even though her brother Wei followed in his footsteps operating the Hong Kong site of their family business, it was Tawan that possessed his wit and savvy that propelled her through the corporate world in a very short amount of time.
“I know you are just like me,” he corrected and pulled her into a hug. “You can do this. We believe in you, you just need to believe in yourself.”
Tawan closed her eyes as she rested the side of her face against his chest, her lips pouting some. She knew he was right - she knew everyone was right when they said the same thing to her over and over again. It was just so hard to make a decision like quitting her job and taking her parents money to invest in something that was hit or miss. Not to mention, the burden and strain it would put on her family while they waited for her magazine to take off if it even did.
Despite her promises to Ira to consider her idea to let her take over the finances while she figured things out, she still wanted a solid plan where that could be avoided.
“I’m scared, Dad,” she confessed against his chest. “I just want to protect my family from my screw ups.”
“Tawan,” he half-groaned, pulling back to look at her with a soft smile. “You can never screw up so badly that you would have to protect your family from yourself. You do not do things without thinking them through. You know deep down what it is you have to do and what is best. You just need to trust yourself more.”
“You sound like Ira,” she sniffed, trying not to laugh.
“Well, Ira and I agree about a lot of things when it comes to you,” he continued, patting her cheek. “Like how you are the most smartest person we have ever met, but also the most stubborn person we have ever met.”
“Oh, really,” Tawan laughed, jokingly punching his stomach.
“Of, course,” he said, eyeing her then kissing her forehead. “The apple does not fall far from the tree.”
Tawan’s father winked at her then patted her cheek once more before picking the tray back up and heading inside. She stared at him until he disappeared, deep thought lines on her forehead as she chewed over what he said. As his implication started to permeate her understanding, she slowly smiled and took a swig of her beer. She chuckled to herself and then followed in after him, the sounds of her kids cheering as the main (and their favorite) course of the meal had arrived.
“Like father, like daughter,” Tawan said to herself.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“So how did Momma do on her first five days?”
Tawan was slumped into the middle of the couch, her feet propped up on the coffee table. Star took up space in the crook of her right side while Sammy occupied her left side. They had just finished some episodes of one of Tawan’s favorite cartoons growing up, a mission of hers to expose them to some of things she liked when she was their age.
Now, she decided to do something she had not done with them in a while. She asked them what was something that happened that week that was their favorite and what they wanted to happen in the approaching week.
“You did good, Momma,” Sammy answered, sitting up some to look at her. “I miss Mommy, but I’m having a lot of fun with you, too.”
“Well, those are big shoes to fill so I appreciate it, son,” Tawan smiled, touched even at his somewhat bluntness.
‘You’re doing really good, Momma. I’m proud of you,” Star chimed in, reaching up for her chin to turn her head to her.
“Thank you, princess,” Tawan smiled, becoming very emotional.
Tawan pressed a kiss to her forehead then turned to Sammy to kiss the top of his head. Her children had a way of always reinforcing in her, her purpose by being so innocent in how they plainly responded to her questions or acknowledged her actions. She knew she had to cherish and pocket these moments before they became more exposed to the world and would filter themselves in order to be able to move about in it.
She would try everything in her power to prevent that, to continuously instill in them the values of a good person, but she also did not shy away from the fact that they would have to traverse this life at some point alone and shape who they would become.
“Momma?” Star said quietly and she turned back to her. “Can we do this again next week? And the next week and the next week?”
Tawan’s heart clenched at the hope in her eyes. “Ohhh, I’m so sorry, babe. I’m so sorry to the both of you,” she apologized and looked between the both of them, trying to reign in her emotions.
“It’s okay, Momma,” Sammy comforted and held her hand on his stomach. “We know your job is important.”
He was staring up at her in the way Ira did when she was making a cute but also understanding face to alleviate her stress. It was almost like puppy dog eyes, but with no intentions or deceiving glint behind them. It made Tawan’s heart drop into the pit of her stomach because she never wanted them to think that her job came before them.
Her thinking if she put her head down and just worked hard to get somewhere that allowed her to not have to worry about taking care of her family was not translating well to her children. After all, she did not expect them to understand since they were halfway to seven years of age. This was evident in Sammy's comment thinking her job was more important than spending time with them.
“Listen to me. Both of you,” Tawan said, moving to sit across from them on the coffee table and holding a hand each. “My job is never more important than you two or Mommy. Do you understand me?”
They both nodded at her, never not believing anything she ever told them, but she really wanted to drive it home and pulled them closer.
“I work hard because I want to give you guys everything you want and so you never have to worry about anything,” she continued and looked between them, squeezing their hands. “Everything I do is for you two and Mommy, but it's never an excuse to not be here with you all more. Do you believe me?”
They both nodded again and she leaned forward to give them a tight hug.
“I know I have been saying this a lot now lately, but I am going to be more at home with you guys instead of at work all the time like I have been,” she promised them, pulling back and giving them a tight smile. “No more showing up late to your games or practices or dinner. You guys are always most important to me. I love you both so much. More than anything on Earth.”
Tawan grabbed the back of their heads and started peppering their faces with light kisses making Star giggle and squirm while Sammy laughed and tried to get out of her grasp. Tawan’s endearing words had pierced her children deeply in a way she would not know about until they were older and reminiscing on memories from their childhood. She wanted to do nothing more than love on her family and eat up as much time with them as she could before time took away the best of years.
Her father was right - Tawan did not want to blink and have her life pass before her with barely any memories made with her family because she was too focused on work. She had to dismantle and dispel the lie she and most other working people told themselves of that there is always time.
“Can we watch more of this cartoon tomorrow after school?” Sammy asked as he played with her fingers.
“Absolutely, my love,” Tawan nodded, squeezing his hand before hugging him tightly. “We’re getting to the best part, too.”
“Can you show me some more karate moves before dinner tomorrow?” Star asked, sitting up excitedly and in anticipation.
“Of course, darling,” Tawan responded just as enthusiastically. “I’ll take you kickboxing with me this week, too.”
As she watched the twins act like they had just won a major victory, her smile turned into a wide grin that etched her eye whiskers. If she could always replicate this feeling for them, she would spend the rest of her life doing that. The gnawing ache she always had of feeling like she was a negligent parent for missing things the last year felt like it was starting to fade, even if it was just temporary.
Tawan would take this high and let it carry her over as she headed into what for sure may be a stressful week. There was also the reminder that Ira would be returning home that weekend. Something she knew she would desperately need after a long work week.
“Time for bed,” Tawan told them, patting their legs.
Star and Sammy scooted to the edge of the couch then hopped down to take off to their room. Tawan smiled as she watched them head off before standing to clean up their snacks and drinks from the coffee table. As she was finishing up the last of the dishes before heading down the hall to tuck her children in for the night, her cellphone started ringing. She went back over to the couch and fished it out from behind the pillows and smiled brightly at the screen.
“I just sent the kids off to get ready for bed,” she answered and went back to the kitchen to finish wiping down the counters. “I’ll let you talk to them.”
“Let me talk to you first,” Ira said. “I wanted to wish you luck for tomorrow not that you need it.”
Tawan smiled as she leaned her back against the sink. “Thank you, baby. I appreciate it more than you will ever know,” she told her.
There was a moment of silence between them, a hanging and foreboding feeling about what tomorrow would bring. It could be a positive or a negative, and despite how the latter would crush the remaining resolve Tawan had when it came to her job, she also felt it could provide the release she had been running from. Ira wished the timing of her being away when Tawan needed her most was different, but this was their circumstance and they would have to navigate it together to get to the result that they wanted.
“No matter what happens tomorrow, Tawan,” Ira started, hesitating just for a second. “Just…just know that we will be alright. We will figure it out and we will always be alright.”
Tawan blew out a hard breath. “God, I love you. I don’t know what I would do without you,” she whispered, placing her other hand on the counter to hold herself up.
“I always have your back, babe,” Ira reminded her. “No matter what comes our way, we will fight it together. Like we always do. I will always catch you just like you always catch me. Remember that.”
“I know,” Tawan said thickly and wiped under her nose.
“Good,” Ira said, a smile evident in her voice. “Now where are my babies?”
Tawan chuckled as she pushed herself off the sink to head down the hallway to their children’s room while telling Ira about the Sunday dinner they had with her parents.