Reminder
Chapter 6: Reminder
“She’s home early.”
Ira smiled as she turned the stove off and made her way around the kitchen counter where she was finishing dinner for the family. She half expected Tawan to be at work late that night working on the summer issue. As she came around the corner to the entrance of their home, she stopped in her excited tracks at the state of her wife.
Tawan tossed her keys into the bowl on the table near the front door before yanking her heels off and flicking them to the floor followed by her brown leather messenger bag.
“I am going to kill that asshole,” Ira whispered angrily to herself before moving to her.
Tawan was so upset as she took her things off that she had not noticed her wife coming to greet her. She was starting to roughly pull her suit jacket off when she felt arms snake around her middle and a chin find her shoulder. The tip of Ira’s cold nose touched the back of her jaw before she felt her lips press a sweet and comforting kiss to her spot under her ear.
Tawan smiled some, her eyes starting to droop as she felt her worries slip from her body as Ira attempted to alleviate her stress.
“Dinner’s almost ready,” Ira murmured by her ear, kissing it after. “I’ll give you a massage after.”
“Thank you, baby,” Tawan said softly, smiling as she grabbed her hands to hold on her waist. “I just want to lay down with you after dinner.”
“Whatever you want, my love,” Ira promised. She pressed a long kiss to her cheek then turned her around to face her.
Ira tried to capture her eyes, but Tawan looked down then up to her briefly before everywhere else. She did not want her to see just how bad she was feeling on the inside now that they were days away from her leaving. They both had a way of looking into each other’s souls that made those observing them squirm at the intensity.
It was what Tawan loved most about Ira, the way her head would tilt and her eyes would smile and glaze over as she stared at her talking or listening. Ira always looked lost in her own thoughts but she could repeat back what she said with no trouble.
“Hey, look at me,” Ira commanded gently, bringing her hand up to cup her cheek to force her.
Tawan sighed and felt her lips slightly tremble as soon as the physical contact was made. She closed her eyes at Ira’s thumb caressing the skin near her mole, taking a deep breath as everything suddenly crashed into her like a ton of bricks. Ira looked to her lips then to her closed eyes, waiting on them to open. When they did, she locked her gaze then smiled tightly as tears started to prick her eyes.
It was rare to see Tawan like this and it broke her heart staring at her in such frustrating pain. Tawan worked so hard for her job and her boss did not deserve her. She could be anywhere doing what she does now - many have offered or she could launch her dream with Meena - but she stayed out of loyalty to her team and what Lily believed she was capable of doing.
“I just needed to see you,” Tawan whispered, her voice cracking some as she pulled her in to hold her.
Ira pursed her lips as she tried to keep the emotions in her throat down and wrapped her arms around her neck to hold her close. Tawan buried her face into her neck, her body reflexively relaxing into her touch, and circled her arms tightly around her waist to breathe her in and let her senses be ravaged by her unique scent.
She was content now, even if it was just for this moment as the next day brought the same challenges, and ignored the fact she would not have her to hold in a few days. She wanted to savor every touch, every kiss, every look, every moment she could before they were separated.
“You know everyone believes in you,” Ira said softly by her ear. “That place is not where you finish.”
Tawan shut her eyes tightly and she squeezed her some as her emotions pierced her body at her words. Ira had so much belief in her that when Meena was telling her about their dream to launch their own magazine, mostly half joking, she thought it was the greatest idea in the world. Tawan stared at her, mouth agape, not sure if she was joking or serious about telling them that they should actually look into it. Meena did not hesitate and spilled that she actually had did the numbers and sourced out some scenarios.
“You can do anything you want,” she continued, pulling back enough to look at her. “You and Meena can launch your magazine at anytime.”
“No,” Tawan said roughly and with finality. “That’s too big of a risk right now.”
“When is anything not a risk,” Ira stated matter-of-factly. “You won’t be doing it alone.”
Tawan let her go and stepped back to lean against the wall, hands in her pockets and a tired sigh escaping her. She knew everything her wife said was true, but she had been so wrapped up in work that she never really got the chance to pour over the idea she had conjured up with Meena. As far as she was concerned, it was just something for them to daydream about for now until they had a better work situation that offered them the luxury of actually planning about the future.
Ira licked her lips and took a deep breath as she crossed her arms over her chest. She knew what her wife was thinking or, rather, worrying about. Despite the fact she knew that their finances were more than okay, she also knew that Tawan’s father had offered her a small loan to pursue a small business adventure. He had offered it because his wife was concerned with how their daughter was taking care of herself working all the late hours and neglecting her needs.
Her passing out was the last straw, a straw they did not find out about until weeks later when Star told them about overhearing her mothers talk about Tawan passing out at work and wanting to know what that word meant.
Though she knew she was overdue in reevaluating her position at work in order to be a better wife and mom, she had nothing prepared to consider. It was true that other publications from various industries were interested in interviewing her, but she had so much going on at her current job that she felt like she was not prepared for those interviews. This was on top of feeling like she would be betraying her team by leaving them in the midst of hard times. She is as dedicated to them as they are to her, but she knows they would not be too upset if she made a career change.
However, now was just not a good time no matter how she sliced it.
“I can’t leave right now,” Tawan said defeatedly, shrugging her shoulders. “There's too much going on plus I haven’t even really looked. Add on top that the interview process right now could take weeks.”
“Either we do it now or we do it later, Tawan. The result is still the same its just a matter of when,” Ira pushed and shook her head in frustration. “Something has to change. I can’t keep watching you come home like this.”
“Well, I’m sorry for stressing you,” Tawan bit out, rolling her eyes.
“Really? That’s not what I’m saying and you know it,” Ira corrected her and put a hand up to her. “But this is what I mean. You come home and you barely have any energy to be with us. I can see how your boss stresses you and it’s only a matter of time before you blow up. I thought we agreed you would work on this to take better care of yourself after fainting.”
“You don’t think I don’t know that, Ira,” Tawan shot back. She pushed off the wall to turn to head down the hall.
Ira growled to herself and threw her hands up as she watched her walk away. She let out another frustrated sigh and ran her fingers through her hair to push it back as she geared up for a possible argument. That was the last thing that she wanted knowing that this was the last thing that Tawan needed right now with her current state.
Ira rounded the corner to Tawan pouring herself a glass of wine in the kitchen, so she eyed her as she headed down the hall towards their children’s room. They were doing homework, so she told them that she would come get them when dinner was ready and closed the door.
Tawan took a large gulp of her wine, winced at the bitterness, then reached for the bottle to pour another glass. She took a sip this time then set the glass down to rub her eyes. She almost immediately regretted taking her frustrations out on her wife, but she could not help herself as the emotions of today crashed to right now.
This was the thing she always tried to avoid in bringing her work home because this was her safe haven. She knew that she was barely present with her family when she got home, but she did not realize just how much.
The one thing that she promised herself was the one thing she was failing at. Before she was promoted to her current role, she sat down with Ira to talk about what was to be expected with her new responsibilities if she took them. Her goal was to make sure that Ira had an input for her to consider before making this life changing decision, but all Ira wanted was for her to be happy. Her only condition was that they made time for each other and their family, and they never neglected them.
This worked the first year as Mr. Tek was less involved with the production of the magazine, but her second year he got heavily involved and that was when things went downhill.
To this day, Tawan has no idea what prompted him to become so involved. She had scanned every financial and performance document they had from that first year and she came up with nothing. Her thought was that there was something that scared him to be more involved, but the numbers looked good or at least manageable.
Lily did not even have a clue when she sought her thoughts and advice. All she could conclude was that as Mr. Tek got older, maybe he wanted to be more involved in decision-making.This conclusion especially made sense to Tawan after having talked to her father, who had just recently retired, who told her that aging may be making her boss feel less in control and his magazine gave him back some of that control.
“Can we talk?” Ira sounded from behind.
Tawan closed her eyes then opened them to raise her glass to her lips, inhale, then take a long drink. She debated on finishing the remnants, but decided against that because even if she did not want to have this conversation right now, her wife most certainly did. She needed to be mostly sober, so she turned from the kitchen counter to lean her back into it, facing the refrigerator rather than Ira who was leaning against the kitchen sink to her left.
As Tawan debated on trying to find an out of talking, she mentally kicked herself remembering that was not them and that was not how they faced challenges together. They told each other everything, no secrets that the other did not know, especially from the time from when they met until now. It was a promise they made to each other mostly because Tawan was very private and kept most things to herself ever since she was a kid. It was a way of protecting herself from each new environment she was thrust into having moved around a lot and meeting new kids.
Ira, on the other hand, held no secrets from her parents as she was an only child and they could focus all of their attention on her. She grew up in a house that diverted from most traditional norms due to her mother having studied abroad and her father having worked abroad a lot. Ira’s infectious nature when she interacted with others made her audience comfortable which made her even more comfortable, so she had no problem being up front about most things.
Tawan cannot remember if she ever told Ira or not, but she greatly appreciated how her bubbly personality rubbed off on her rigid personality because it cut a lot of the ropes that held her back.
“I don't want to argue, Ira,” Tawan sighed tiredly.
“And you think I do?” Ira defended, pointing at her chest.
“Well,” Tawan stated and took a drink.
Ira opened her mouth to accuse her of what she was being accused of, but a thought came to her head so she closed it and bit down hard. She then closed her eyes and counted down from ten before opening them and clearing her throat. Now was not the time for petty arguments, no matter how much she felt it was not fair, with their children down the hall. They could walk in on them at any moment, and that was the one thing they always agreed upon when they had disagreements.
Their children were to never witness this.
“I don’t want to argue with you either, Tawan,” Ira said softly, looking to her and waiting.
Tawan could feel her stare as she stared straight ahead at the refrigerator. At her wife’s submission and as her eyes traveled to a drawing of Sammy’s of their family stuck to a magnet, she closed her eyes. She, too, remembered the promise they had made each other. Tawan had every right to be upset about the shit she had to deal with at work.
What she did not have the right to do was bring it home in the form of a bad attitude and then keep her wife in the dark about why she upset. And their children should certainly never be subjected to witnessing or hearing that side of her that had the potential to upset them.
“I’m sorry,” Tawan said, clearing her throat then standing straight to look at her. “I apologize for my behavior. I shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”
Ira felt her body sag and shook her head sadly. “I know that. You don’t have to apologize. I just want to know what’s going on with you so I can help,” she replied.
“I know that,” Tawan smiled sadly. “But you can’t help with this one, babe. This is something I have to figure out.”
“Since when do we not figure out things together, Tawan,” Ira countered, looking offended.
“That’s not what I meant,” she said and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I just mean that I have to figure out what I want. I need to think about my future and if Vibe/Me is a part of that. And if its not then I need to figure out my next move.”
“Okay, well then maybe I can help,” she offered and tried to catch her eyes.
“Love, I need you focused on work,” she reminded and looked to her. “This is your big break and you have waited long enough for it.”
Ira stood from the counter and walked up to her, grabbing her unoccupied hand to shake and force her to look at her. Tawan took a deep breath and looked at her, letting her hand with her wine glass fall to her side. Ira then moved to hold her hand with both of her hands, bringing them up to her chest by her heart.
There had been something on her mind that she had wanted to share with Tawan and now was no better a time. She knew it would be a fight, but she was going to swing as hard as she could to win it.
“You know I love you, right,” Ira stated and kissed the backs of her fingers.
“Of course,” Tawan responded almost immediately.
“I'm about to ask you something and I need you to just say yes. Okay?” Ira pressed, smiling a little nervously then kissed her hand again.
Tawan looked at her lips that rested near her hand to her eyes then back to her lips. She had no idea why Ira seemed so adamant yet nervous about this request because she thought she knew already that she would always tell her yes. Whatever it was, Ira knew that she needed her to be open minded about this request, and Tawan was getting more confused because she was always open to whatever she wanted to do. Ira could see her overthinking, so she tugged on her hand to make her look at her.
“This project will pay off more than enough,” she started again.
Tawan eyed her, brow furrowing as she tried to guess where she was going with this.
“If you want to quit work and-“
“Absolutely not.”
Tawan untangled her hand from her grasp and headed to her office. Ira growled, for what felt like the millionth time that hour, and turned on her heel to chase after her. She knew this was going to be a battle but she also had a backup plan if Tawan did not like Plan A.
Tawan opened her office door and downed the last of her wine, cursing herself for not bring the bottle as she headed to her desk. She set the glass down and sat in her chair, sifting through papers as a distraction.
“You didn’t even let me finish,” Ira hissed, closing the door quietly. “At least hear what I have to say before answering.”
“I already told you that the money you make is for your pleasure to do with as you see fit except when it comes to our finances,” Tawan reminded her, not looking up from her task.
“Dammit, Tawan,” Ira hissed again, frustration in each step as she headed to her desk. “I’m being serious. Now’s not the time for you and your patriarchal bullshit. I want to help you.”
“It’s not 'patriarchal bullshit', Ira,” she snapped and darted her eyes to her. “You haven’t worked since before we had the kids so I don’t want to put any pressure on you about money.”
“If you don’t care how I spend my money then why are you telling me what I can and can’t do with it then,” she challenged, leaning across from her with her palms flat on the desk.
“Because I am not going to let you work your ass off to support us while I search for another job or if I take a hit in salary to go somewhere else,” she shot back.
“We are a team,” she reminded, pointing between them. “We take care of each other - no matter what - ’til death do us part. Remember?”
“Yes, but not because of self-inflicted hardship,” Tawan countered, sitting back in her chair.
“Self-inflicted or not why does it matter?!” Ira pressed, throwing her hands up. “Either we do it or we don’t. The only truth I know and you know is that you will continue to suffer and be unhappy because you’re scared to take the risk.”
“Oh, scared?” Tawan accused looking to her with an incredulous smile. “Is that what you think? That I am a coward or -“
“That’s not what I mean,” Ira cut her off, groaning and stomping her foot in frustration. “And you know that, Tawan. You are scared to take the risk because you are worried about us.”
“It’s my job to worry about my family,” she mumbled, dropping her chin into her hand that was propped up by her arm on her desk.
“It’s our job to worry about our family. Together,” Ira reminded her, leaning on her hands again to catch her eyes.
Tawan flicked her eyes up to her then back towards the door. She knew she was right and she was wrong, but she could not bring herself to admit that because of what it meant. It would mean that the agreement she made with herself about Ira going back to work and using her money only for pleasure rather than responsibilities was looking more and more like no longer an option.
If Tawan wanted to leave her job, or worse, if Mr. Tek’s insinuations that things were getting bad enough to sell or something, she would have to lean on Ira.
This made her sit up and back in her seat, pushing her fingers through her hair at the top of her head in frustration. It was not that she thought Ira could not take care of them, it was that she had promised Ira’s parents, along with herself, that she would take care of their family.
Ira had built such a beautiful life for them, the thankless job that mothers who stay at home to raise their family and take care of their home do. When Ira confessed that she wanted to go back to work after not knowing what her purpose was while her family was away, it broke Tawan’s heart.
All she wanted to do was give her wife the softest life she could ever want or hope for.
“Fuck,” Tawan whispered angrily, taking a moment. “I made a promise to your parents that-,”
“I know you did, Tawan,” Ira cut in gently, raising her hand to stop her. “And you have more than fulfilled that promise.”
They both reflected briefly on how far they had come and noted that they would not have changed a thing. It was their story, the trajectory their lives were always supposed to take, a destination that they were always going to travel to together. They would hold hands and fight any thing that came to destroy them.
As long as they both wanted this, there was nothing that could shake them.
“Babe,” Ira continued, her voice cracking around the lump of her throat. “I told you I wanted to stay at home and raise our family. And you didn’t even hesitate, you just immediately said okay. You listened to what I wanted and you made it happen. You have taken care of our family without ever complaining. There is no one who loves their family more than you do.”
Tawan, tongue pushing against the inside of her cheek, looked down and stared at her lap.
“Let me help you get to your dream,” Ira pressed gently, staring through her into her soul. “If you want to quit and take a break before looking for another job, okay. If you and Meena are serious about launching your own magazine then lets do it. I just want you to do something for yourself that doesn’t feel like an obligation. I want you to do something that you want to do.”
Ira stared at her and waited on her to look up or say something, knowing that she took time to process most things because she considered everything. She wished she had more time to prepare what she wanted to say, but like with most things in life, sometimes you are not afforded that opportunity.
Tawan contemplated on what she said, and though she knew she was right, she also did not know what path she wanted to take. This was a conversation that required much reflection and brainstorming together beforehand so that a well thought out decision was made after.
“It’s not that I don’t want your help, Ira,” Tawan started quietly then looked up at her. “We haven’t really sat down together to talk about this. That is mostly my fault with the long hours at work and my refusal to burden you with it.”
Ira opened her mouth, but Tawan raised her hand to silence her and smiled gently.
“All I am saying is that I would rather sit down and talk to you about how I am feeling first rather than making a hasty decision from an emotional standpoint,” Tawan finished.
Ira studied her, arms now crossed over her chest again, as she tried to determine if she was telling her the truth or only what she wanted to hear. Her wife had a sneaky and skillful way of squirming out of their conversations so she could avoid them for a short period of time. Though Ira was better at calling her out on it now, she knew she had to be careful as she was the most adaptable person she had ever met.
Tawan chuckled at her accusing stare and scooted her chair back to pat her lap.
“Come here,” she said, raising a hand to beckon her.
Ira, a smile now threatening at the corners of her mouth, slowly walked around the desk to her. She took her outstretched hand and twirled so that she could sit in her lap, holding her hand at her stomach. Tawan smiled as she leaned forward into her back and rested her cheek on the side of her arm, her other arm circling around her waist to hold her close. Ira used her other hand to hold Tawan’s at her waist and then looked down to her head.
“I’m serious,” Tawan mumbled against her arm and then looked up into her eyes. “You just started working again and I want you to be comfortable before we make a decision like this. This is huge, Ira. And I promise we will talk about it more so that we can make that decision when the time comes.”
Tawan was looking up at her with pleading eyes and Ira realized that she was going to have to give in some. She was not going to win this war after just one battle. And if she were being truly honest with herself, then she would agree that Tawan was right about them making this life changing decision with an actual plan in place to follow.
It was, after all, how they decided to start a family so young, how they dealt with Tawan switching jobs, how they purchased their home, and how they navigated all of Tawan’s promotions.
“Okay,” Ira relented and pouted some. “Pinky promise?”
Tawan laughed and linked their pinkies together. “I pinky promise,” she said, giving her a serious smile.
“You better,” Ira smiled back, tugging her pinky as she leaned down to kiss her.
“I love you,” Tawan whispered between them, staring into her eyes as their noses touched. “Thank you for always having my back and keeping me grounded.”
“I would do anything for you,” Ira said, looking at her lips then back to her eyes before rubbing their noses together. “I love you more.”
Ira stood up and turned to grab her face to lean down and press a long kiss to her lips. Tawan looked at her for a few seconds then closed her eyes so she could get lost in her caring touch for a moment. She loved to watch Ira’s closed eyes for the briefest of seconds before she closed her own when they kissed because it reminded her that she was, in fact, kissing the woman of her dreams and she was kissing her back.
It was as if she closed her eyes before they kissed then Ira would disappear before their lips touched.
“You taste good,” Ira moaned playfully causing them to both laugh. “Now I want wine.”
Tawan patted her thighs and she stepped aside so could stand. Ira reached her hand out to her and she grabbed it before leading them out of the office back towards the kitchen. As they passed their children’s bedroom, Tawan dropped her hand and moved to grab the knob to greet them as she had not seen them since she got home.
Ira smiled then kissed her before telling her to get them ready for dinner and heading back towards the kitchen. Her heart swelled as she heard their cheerful little yells at the sight of Tawan. Neither woman could never get enough of the sounds of joy and laughter that their children brought into their home.
At all of this, Ira thought to herself that no matter what came to divide them, they would always find their way back to each other.