gateway drug

About a week had passed since Bela and Taylor went to Sipps together and things were… normal. Kind of. They hadn’t seen each other in 3 days which was very out of the ordinary. They texted, but not as often as they had been before and in turn, both began losing hope in whatever was going on between them.

Bela sat on the couch in her common room, staring at her phone. Waiting for a certain someone to text her. “I think she’s avoiding me.” Bela said to Whitney, who was sitting in the chair across from her.

Whitney looked up at Bela with understanding and an underlying hint of annoyance. “She’s probably just busy, Bela.” She assured her. “People have things to do, you know?”

“Taylor doesn’t!” Bela exclaimed a little louder than she had planned. “She hardly ever goes to class and I don’t even really know what else she does.”

“Isn’t that, like, your job to make sure she goes to class?” Whitney asked skeptically.

“First of all, if I ever told her to go to class and she didn’t want to, she might stab me.” Bela explained seriously. “And second, I found out the other day that FAFs are supposed to be checking grades… I’m a little behind on that but I’m sure it’s fine, and Taylor’s are, like, perfect,” She paused and took a second to think. “Maybe British schools really are better than ours and she just knows it all already.”

That Bela was not wrong about. Everything Taylor was doing in her classes at Essex was stuff she was doing two years ago back in London so going to class for her wasn’t a big deal since most of her professors didn’t take attendance.

Whitney gave a thoughtful hum and shrugged. “Well, don’t you guys share location?” She asked with a smirk.

Bela’s face lit up, they did start sharing their location after that night at the medical center. Just in case, Taylor ever fell off the wagon again and needed help. Taylor did threaten Bela on if she ever followed it somewhere but if Bela just happened to be in the same place could the blonde really blame her?

Bela’s thumb hovered over Taylor’s contact for a moment as she debated whether or not this was the right thing to do, but ultimately tapped the screen and zoomed in to wherever Taylor was at. “Bennett Hall?” Bela read from the small text over the grey box that represented the building.

“Isn’t that the music building?” Whitney asked, the confusion evident in her voice.

“I think so,” Bela said thoughtfully. “What the hell is she doing there?” She asked, although it was more of a rhetorical question because before Whitney could say anything else she gasped. “Oh my God, she definitely found a hot rockstar girlfriend. My life is over.”

“Okay, no need to be dramatic.” Whitney said with a soft laugh. Bela was really good at jumping to conclusions with little to no evidence. “There’s plenty of reasons she could be in the music building.” Bela gave her a look encouraging her to go on, but Whitney honestly didn’t have any ideas either. “I mean, I can’t think of any, but there are plenty.”

Bela groaned and leaned back into the couch. How could she have done this? She waited too long and now Taylor had moved on and with someone else way cooler and probably way hotter. Though, the lack of interaction was weighing on her so she stood up. “I’m going anyway.” She said matter of factly. “And if she asks, I’ll just say that I was going for something else.”

“And that is…?” Whitney smirked.

“Not sure yet.” Bela replied. “I’ll figure it out when I get there.” And with that, Bela was off to find Taylor.

Surprisingly, the music building was quiet aside from the faint sounds of instruments Bela heard as she walked by practice rooms. Bela had never been in the music building so it was all very new to her. She walked through the first floor twice with no sign of Taylor, so she made her way to the second floor. There was a red sign on the door leading to the second floor hallway to the stairwell with “Recording Studios” written in big white letters and “Please keep noise to a minimum” below it. Bela looked down at her phone again and then back to the sign. What the hell was Taylor up to?

As she walked down the hallway each door had a light up sign next to it. All of which were dark except for the one at the very end of the hallway, brightly lit up with the words “Recording in Process”. Bela’s eyebrow quirked as she made her way to the end of the hall, with faint sounds of an electric guitar bleeding through the door. She got to a connecting hallway through the middle and a guy, who looked to be the same year as her or maybe a little older, almost ran into her.

“What are you doing?” He asked. “I’ve never seen you in here before and there aren’t many people on this campus that come into this building.” He talked quietly and looked at Bela like she was on his territory though the tone of his voice was inviting.

“I’m just looking for my friend,” Bela explained, mimicking his whisper. He gave her a once over and she clarified, “Taylor?”

“Oh,” He smiled, this kind of threw Bela off. Not many people smiled when Taylor was brought up. “She’s in the studio at the end of the hall,” He told her. “It says recording but she hardly ever actually is so don’t worry.”

Bela smiled back at him and mouthed a small “Thank you,” and continued on to the end of the hall.

The door was slightly cracked open and had a small window, just big enough for Bela to finally see Taylor. Bela couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Taylor looked… comfortable. Her hair was up in a bun, her bangs perfectly framing her face. She was wearing a purple hoodie and leggings, an outfit she had never seen the girl in unless it was an unannounced room check and she had just gotten out of bed. The blonde was sitting on a stool with a green electric guitar resting on her lap and she was singing. Bela stood by the door just watching, in awe of the talent that Taylor had not once mentioned before. She sang and played quietly, her voice just hardly loud enough to be heard over the guitar and Bela listened hard to be able to hear the lyrics she was singing.

“Sometimes I’m so damn nonchalant, That I can’t get to what I want, That quintessential cool girl in a bar,” Taylor sang. Bela’s jaw dropped, she didn’t know what she was expecting but it definitely wasn’t this. She could hear the girl’s sincerity in what she was singing. It was a song Bela had never heard before and she wondered if Taylor had written it herself. “Sometimes I wanna taste your skin, But I’m not one for giving in, ‘Cause that’s way too embarrassing, my God,” Taylor continued on singing and Bela listened intently. She was seeing a whole new side of Taylor, and whether Taylor wanted her to see it or not, Bela very much liked it. Her voice was vulnerable and real and incredible. “Oh, I want you so bad, Can’t find my white flag, I must have left it in the back of the city cab,” Bela continued standing at the door, watching Taylor, and unable to keep her thoughts away that wondered and hoped that maybe Taylor was thinking about her while she sang. “I’m not calling you back, ‘Cause then you’ll know that, ‘Cause then you’ll know me,” Okay this had to be about Bela, she thought. It was too perfect. Bela had called her just this morning and didn’t get a call back from the blonde. She would text back and that was it, and Taylor was not the most expressive texter. Bela debated announcing her presence before Taylor began again. “I don’t like to talk a lot, I don’t want the shoe to drop, ‘Cause then you’ll know me.” The words gave Bela another understanding of Taylor. Taylor wasn’t so cold just because she wanted people to think she was cool or even because she just didn’t want people to walk all over her. It was because she didn’t want to let people in, she didn’t want people to know the real Taylor. “Baby, I’m a Tommy gun, one blow and you turn me on,” Bela couldn’t deny the ego boost she felt from that line, still confidently imagining Taylor was singing about her. “‘Cause then you’ll know me,” Taylor repeated twice as the guitar playing faded out. Bela stood, unsure of if she should admit she had been standing there, act like she just showed up, or just leave.

As the song ended, Taylor glanced towards the door and immediately saw Bela. The contentment on her face quickly turned to anger as she stood up abruptly and, quickly, albeit carefully, put the guitar down and made her way to the door to confront Bela. Seeing her face, Bela knew she shouldn’t have invaded Taylor's privacy like she did, but Taylor was such a good musician and if she hadn't done this there was no telling how long it would’ve taken for her to figure that out.

“What the actual fuck, Bela?” She yelled. “What are you doing here?”

Bela flinched, caught off guard by the immediate switch in Taylor’s demeanor. “I– I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she stammered. “I didn’t know you played guitar, or sang, or had anything to do with music other than the posters in your room, to be honest.” Bela spoke gently knowing that Taylor was already incredibly pissed off and not wanting to push her any further.

“Because that’s none of your bloody business!” She snapped, her voice louder than she intended but it reflected what she was feeling. She couldn’t believe Bela would do this. Well, she definitely could, but it didn’t make her feel any better. It felt like Bela was invading her body. The only music she ever let people hear were the recordings she submitted for her professor, it was what she wanted in a career but for now, most of her songs were just a way for her to get out of her head. She knew Bela didn’t do it to be cruel or to spy on her but it certainly felt like it. “How did you even know I was here?” She asked shortly.

Bela hesitated and abandoned her ideas of lying, she knew Taylor would see right through it. “I looked at your location…”

Taylor clenched her jaw, “You tracked me here?” Taylor took a deep breath, trying to settle her emotions. She almost could feel tears forming in her eyes because of how angry she was and she’d be damned before she seriously cried in front of Bela. “Are you actually out of your mind?”

“No! I just–” Bela started to tell Taylor that she just missed her and wanted to see her but Taylor cut her off before she could finish. She felt terrible, she just wanted to see the girl and thanks to her being too scared to just straight up ask her to hang out now she had hurt Taylor’s feelings and made her mad at her all in one.

“This is such an invasion of privacy, Bela. You can’t just show up like this.” Taylor’s voice was more serious than Bela had ever heard and the hurt was audible.

“I wasn’t trying to invade your privacy,” Bela said defensively. “I haven’t seen you in, like, three days and so I was worried!”

“Worried?” Taylor repeated with a scoff. “So your solution was to follow me around like some kind of stalker?”

Bela’s face fell, guilt and frustration swirling in her chest. She knew she was in the wrong here, but something in her wouldn’t back down. “I wasn’t stalking you. I just... I didn’t know how else to talk to you. You always put up these walls, and I thought maybe if I just saw you—”

“Then what?” Taylor interrupted, her voice was sharp and cold. It was almost like she had flipped a switch and turned off every emotion except for anger. “What were you going to do? Watch me like some weird spy? Or were you going to barge in and make it about you, like you always do?” Taylor knew she was wrong to say that, but she was hurt and Bela had heard the song that was undeniably written about her and her brain was going all over the place.

Bela just blinked at the accusation. She knew Taylor could throw some hurtful insults but this one cut deeper. “That’s not fair, Taylor.” Bela’s voice was quieter and filled with pain. As mean as Taylor was sometimes, she never expected her to say something like that.

Taylor laughed but it was cold and humorless. “You know what’s not fair? Having something I love—something I keep private—invaded like this. You had absolutely no right.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Bela said, her voice cracked slightly and she could feel tears pooling in her eyes but she quickly blinked them away.

“Well, you did,” Taylor shot back, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. “So congratulations.” Her words hung heavily in the air and the tension could’ve been cut with a knife. “Just leave, I don’t want to see you.” Her tone was flat and careless, a complete opposite of how much she really did care.

Bela’s chest tightened and she took a step back, “I’m sorry,” she said quietly before retreating out of the door.

Taylor watched her leave, her expression unreadable. As soon as the door finally swung shut, she moved to the chair in the corner of the room and sank into it, her hands trembling slightly.
She was always quick to anger, that was something everyone knew. But never with Bela, and this time she didn’t know why. Yeah, Bela had crossed a line, but the truth was, Taylor had been pushing her away on purpose. Now, she felt a pang of regret, wondering if she’d gone too far.

Bela walked back to her suite with a lot on her mind. She kept replaying the argument in her head, her frustration and regret eating her alive. She hadn’t meant to overstep, but seeing Taylor so angry and so hurt stung more than she expected. She hated the idea that she’d invaded Taylor’s privacy, but even more so, she hated how things were left between them and the idea of Taylor being mad at her.

Meanwhile, Taylor was restless. She had gone back to her own room and she couldn’t focus on anything—not her music, not her homework, not even the comfort of just being by herself, which usually helped her process. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Bela’s face, first in the doorway, then as she left the studio, looking so... wounded.

Taylor didn’t trust a lot of people, but Bela was one of the few. And now, here she was, sitting in her anger and guilt, with no one to talk to. After pacing her room for what felt like hours, Taylor grabbed her jacket, or more accurately Bela’s jacket, and stormed out. Her feet seemed to know where to go before her mind did and before she knew it she was standing outside of Bela’s door.

Bela sat inside, unknowingly to the girl standing on the other side of the door debating whether or not to knock or walk away, curled up on the couch in her suite, pretending to watch a movie, but her heart wasn’t in it and neither was her head. She couldn’t stop thinking about Taylor, why couldn’t she have just texted her like a normal person? What Taylor had said about Bela making everything about herself stung a little too, just not as much as the thought of hurting the blonde.

There was a knock at the door and Bela jumped, she glanced at Kimberly, who shrugged, before getting up to answer it.

When she opened the door and saw Taylor standing there, hands shoved into her jacket pockets, looking as uncertain as Bela had ever seen her, her stomach flipped.

“Taylor?” Bela asked cautiously.

“Can we talk?” Taylor’s voice was low, and her gaze flickered to Kimberly before back to Bela then to the ground. She knew the floors of the building all too well. Anytime she felt overwhelmed, upset, or nervous that’s where her eyes immediately went. She focused on the little chips in the wood floor waiting for a few seconds that felt like hours for Bela to respond.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Bela stepped aside to let her in, then gestured toward her room. “Let’s go in here.” She was cautious and gentle, making sure not to get too close to her as they walked into the room. Taylor could be very volatile and now was not a time that Bela felt like triggering that.

Once the door was shut behind them, Taylor leaned against the wall, her arms crossed tightly as if she was physically holding back her emotions. She looked like she wanted to say something but didn’t know where to start.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Bela said softly, breaking the silence as she always did. Earlier, Taylor had criticized that but she usually was appreciative of Bela’s ability to fill a moment of silence. “I was just worried. You’ve been avoiding me or something, which I know sounds stupid, and I didn’t know why.”

Taylor let out a humorless laugh, almost identical to the one from their earlier fight. “You think I’ve been avoiding you? Bela, do you have any idea how hard it is to be around you?”

Bela frowned, taken aback. That was not where she was expecting this conversation to go. “What are you talking about?”

Taylor pushed herself off the wall, slowly starting to pace the small room. “You’re always there, okay? With your stupid jokes and your stupid... charm. And I can’t—I don’t—” She stopped, running a hand through her hair. “I don’t know how to handle it!”

Bela stared at her, utterly confused. Was Taylor mad? She definitely sounded mad, but it felt like more than that. “Taylor, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Taylor groaned in frustration, finally turning to face her. “Of course you don’t. Because you’re Bela. You walk into a room and act like you own it, and everyone just... falls for it. And I’m there, trying to pretend like I don’t—” She cut herself off, her cheeks flushing as she realized how much she was saying.

“Wait.” Bela’s eyes widened as the pieces started to fall into place. Was Taylor saying what she so desperately wanted to hear or was she crazy? “Are you saying—”

“Forget it,” Taylor snapped, turning toward the door. “This is stupid. I shouldn’t have even come here, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Before Taylor could leave, Bela stepped in front of the door, blocking her path. “Taylor, stop,” she said firmly. “You’re not leaving until you tell me what’s going on.” Bela was not about to let the girl leave until she confirmed what she wanted to believe Taylor was trying to admit.

Taylor looked at her, a whole storm of emotions flickering across her face—anger, embarrassment, vulnerability. Finally, she threw caution to the wind. She was already in too deep and if what she was about to do wasn’t right then she couldn’t handle being around Bela anyway. Taylor stared at Bela who stared back at her, trying to figure out Taylor’s feelings through her face. Fuck it, Taylor thought before finally stepping forward and pressing her lips to Bela’s.

Bela froze, caught completely off guard. She didn’t kiss back. Bela knew it was stupid not to kiss back but Taylor had just kissed her and she had no idea what to do. She couldn’t believe that this was actually, finally, happening. Before Bela could even gather her thoughts, Taylor pulled back almost immediately, her face twisting in frustration because the kiss, her grand confession, hadn’t been returned. “See? Stupid. I knew this was—”

“Wait!” Bela interrupted, grabbing Taylor’s wrist as she turned to leave. For a moment, they just looked at each other, Bela’s wide eyes searching Taylor’s guarded ones. They were bluer than Bela remembered, the whites slightly red. In those 5 seconds she studied every part of Taylor. How full her lips were, the freckles that covered her cheeks and the flush underneath them, the way her chest rose and fell quickly and the way Taylor’s eyes seemed to be doing the same thing as Bela’s. Then, slowly, Bela leaned in and kissed her back.

It started tentative, soft, like Bela was testing the waters, but when Taylor responded, it deepened, all the tension and unspoken feelings between them spilling out in that moment. They both finally knew what everyone else had known for so long. Taylor liked Bela and Bela liked Taylor. Or at least they both wanted to kiss each other. The kiss was short but it told each of them a story. It told Taylor that she wasn’t stupid for liking Bela, Bela wasn’t straight and she wanted her just as much as she wanted her, that kissing her first hadn’t been a mistake. It told Bela that Taylor really did like her, it wasn’t just attraction. Bela watched Taylor kiss other women more than she would’ve liked to but this kiss was different, Taylor kissed her soft and like she was begging for more rather than just taking it herself.

When they finally broke apart, they both breathed heavily. Bela looked at Taylor, her heart beating faster than it ever had. “So... that’s what’s been going on,” she said with a small, nervous laugh.

Taylor rolled her eyes, but there was no real heat behind it. “You’re so annoying,” she muttered, though the corner of her mouth twitched upward and Taylor tried her hardest, ultimately failing, to hide how happy she felt inside. She finally had gotten what she wanted.

“Yeah, but you kissed me,” Bela teased, her voice soft.

Taylor didn’t respond, but the faint blush creeping up her neck and onto her cheeks was all the answer Bela needed.

“As much as I hate to ask this, do you wanna sit down and actually talk now?” Bela offered, gesturing toward her bed. Being with Arvind was boring, but it had taught her that feelings oftentimes were better shown through words than kisses and sex.

Taylor hesitated for a moment before nodding. She normally hated talking about her feelings, but Bela had a way of making her feel like she was safe, free of judgement and able to let her guard down. Not to mention that she promised she would try and ‘go easy on her’. “Yeah. Let’s talk.” The agreement felt like a wall had been broken down and Bela’s smile grew.

They settled onto the bed and the air between them was lighter but still charged, both of them knew this was just the beginning of something neither of them had fully prepared for. While it definitely had the potential to end up going in the worst direction possible, they both were going to do their best to keep that from happening.

Bela wasn’t good at being serious, neither was Taylor, but there was a silent mutual agreement that they would both go into this conversation with no jokes, no teasing, just real feelings and true honesty.

Bela shifted awkwardly on the bed, sitting cross-legged and fidgeting with the hem of her sweatshirt. Taylor sat across from her, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, trying to look composed but failing miserably, unable to hide that she had no idea what she was doing. Talks about her feelings wasn’t really her thing. The tension in the room was intense, but neither wanted to break the peace that seemed to be so easily breakable among them.

“So…” Bela started, her voice hesitant. “We’re doing this, huh? The serious talk thing?” The seriousness was abandoned, both not really good at or used to talking about things like this. It was awkward and comfortable all in one.

Taylor smirked, but there was no humor in her eyes. “Apparently.” She took a deep breath and looked at Bela like she was the only thing in the whole room. Normally her eyes wandered, focusing on anything else but Bela to cover up her actual desire to just stare at the dark haired girl for hours on end.

Bela nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay. Well… I’m sorry. For earlier. For following you and invading your space. I wasn’t trying to—”

“Bela,” Taylor interrupted, her tone softer than usual which surprised Bela and herself. “I get why you did it. You didn’t mean to piss me off. I was just… caught off guard.”

Bela looked at her, her brow furrowed. “Why didn’t you just tell me you were a music major? Or that you sing? I mean, it’s amazing, Taylor. You’re amazing. Why keep that a secret?”

Taylor’s jaw tightened, and she looked away. “Because it’s personal. It’s the one thing I have that’s just… mine. And you—” She hesitated, searching for the right words. “You have this way of getting into everything, Bela. You push and push, and sometimes it’s too much.” As much as she liked, maybe even loved Bela, sometimes it was too much to handle and Taylor valued her alone time and her privacy.

The words stung, but Bela nodded slowly. “I know I can be a lot, maybe even ‘annoying’ according to some people. I don’t mean to be. I just… care. About you. A lot more than I realized, apparently.” She smiled, enjoying finally being able to say the words out loud. She cared about Taylor. In a different way than she originally planned on and as difficult as it was sometimes, she liked the feeling.

Taylor’s gaze snapped back to Bela, her usual guarded expression that she didn’t even mean to have, softening slightly. “That’s the problem,” she said quietly. “You care, and it’s easy to care about you. Too easy.” When she first met Bela, Taylor found her insufferable, but the more she was around her, the more she found all the things she had thought before to be insufferable to be intoxicating.

Bela blinked, her heart pounding in her chest. “Taylor, what are you saying?”

Taylor sighed, running a hand through her hair. “I’m saying I’ve been trying not to care about you like that. Because it’s terrifying. You’re terrifying. You make me feel things I don’t know how to deal with, and it’s exhausting trying to pretend I don’t.” She paused and looked at Bela for a moment, “That’s why I’ve been, like, avoiding you, or whatever.”

Her confession hung in the air, heavy and raw. Bela stared back at Taylor, her usual quick wit failing her for once. Taylor had a way of making Bela, who seemed to always have something to say, speechless. After a moment, she found her voice. “I didn’t know,” she said softly. “I mean, I knew I felt… something. But I didn’t know you did too. And honestly, I didn’t think you ever could.”

Taylor’s lips quirked into a bitter smile. “Why? Because I’m ‘tough Taylor’? Because I act like I don’t care about anything?” Taylor had carefully curated her personality to keep people away, but when she had decided that that was who she wanted to be, there wasn’t anyone who she wanted close to her.

“Kind of, yeah,” Bela admitted, her honesty catching Taylor off guard. “But also because you’re you. And I’m me. You’re like, scary cool and hot, and I’m… not like that. I mean I’m hot obviously,” She smiled, earning an eye roll from Taylor that didn’t match the blonde’s small smile. “But I’m not mean like you, and I know you now enough to know that you usually don’t mean it and it’s, like, a defense mechanism, but you felt like a competition more than an actual person with feelings when I met you.”

Taylor rolled her eyes, not even beginning to deny what Bela said about her being mean being a defense mechanism because she knew that she was right, but there was a flicker of amusement in her eyes. “You’re an idiot,” she muttered. “And for the record, you’re not ‘not.’ You’re infuriating and ridiculous, and you drive me insane, but you’re also… kind of amazing.” She paused. “And that’s pretty scary for me,” She confessed.

Bela’s cheeks flushed, but she couldn’t stop the smile that spread across her face. “That’s probably the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. Or like to anyone.”

“Don’t get used to it,” Taylor grumbled, but the corners of her mouth twitched upward.

They sat in silence for a moment, the weight of their shared confessions settling over them. Finally, Bela spoke again, her tone serious.

“So… what happens now?” she asked.

Taylor looked at her, her expression unreadable. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “But I think… I might want to figure it out.”

Bela’s heart skipped a beat, and she nodded. “Yeah. Me too.”

Taylor’s lips twitched into a real smile this time, small but genuine. “Okay. But no more stalking me, got it?”

Bela laughed, the sound light and relieved. “Why, are you gonna write a song about it or something?” Taylor glared at her, not finding that joke funny at all and Bela backed off. “I’m kidding.” Bela confirmed with a smile.

Taylor let her expression soften and arched a brow. “We’ll see.” She paused, “I definitely have a few ideas for a song about how annoying you are.” Taylor looked at Bela with a look of affection that Bela hadn’t ever seen anything like before, especially not from Taylor, and mirrored it back.

Taylor scooted closer to Bela, settling herself beside her and rested her head on her shoulder and relaxed into her side, relishing in her new safe haven that happened to take place in someone she least expected. It wasn’t a perfect resolution, but it was enough for now. And they sat there, cuddled together in silence, with an unspoken promise of something new between them lingering in the air, both of the girls felt a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, they were finally onto something real.

Taylor and Bela didn’t know, but on the other side of Bela’s bedroom door, Kimberly had rallied up Whitney and Kacey to stand outside and listen and they exchanged smiles. Bela had never been one to be serious about someone based purely off feelings and this would be good for her.