It's 10PM on New Year's Eve and Maloi finally gets some reprieve. She's older now and so, some of the responsibilities for making the holidays festive has fallen onto her hands.
She spent the better part of the day running errands, buying groceries, and just, generally trying to keep things running as her mom and dad focus on preparing the food for media noche. This year, it's their family’s turn to host because her parents just came home for their yearly visit and their house is filled to the brim with their relatives and she'd been entertaining them the whole day and now, well, all she wants is to breathe.
Her siblings noticed and they told her to head on up, they'll take care of the excuses for now but they know their ever-energetic sister well enough to notice when she's running on fumes. She loves them for that (and many more).
So yes, again, it's 10PM on New Year's Eve and that's how she finds herself staring at a box of memories she simultaneously dreads revisiting yet appreciates remembering.
It's their box.
The one that holds knick-knacks and mementos of a love so transformative, it has shaped who she has continued to become.
She's still holding the box, unsure what to do but then she figures, it's been a couple of years. Yes, the hurt lingers, but tonight? Tonight, Maloi chooses the good. She opens the box and skims through what it holds, remembering her beloved.
The one she thought she'd clean up bottles and party remnants with on New Year's Day.
Guess it's the memories she'll have to hold on to tonight.
Maybe it stings, but today she decides to sink and embrace it. Just because it ended doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful.
And she wants to remember the beautiful. She wants to remember the joy. She wants to celebrate the love.
So, she grants herself that kindness and takes some time to reminisce before the new year comes in and signals another set of beginnings.
—
The first thing she lingers on are some bus receipts. If her memory serves her right, it's for the EDSA Carousel.
That was one of the first times she commuted home since she moved to Manila for college and well, she kept that as a keepsake of what would be the first time Colet would see her off to PITX every time she'd go home.
Colet was gentle like that. She'd always tell her, “Loi, mas mapapanatag ako kung makita kong nakasakay ka nang maayos. Tsaka isa pa, madali lang naman tong PITX, ito na yung compromise sa ngayon. Di bale, pag ako umasenso, hatid sundo ka sakin, promise! Kahit saan pa ‘yan.”
Recalling that made Maloi smile. Times were simpler back then. Kahit siksikan at minsan, hindi sila makaupo agad, it's a good set of memories for her. It was an example of the consistency of her love, one that stayed true and honest, even in the mundane.
Whenever she'd get sleepy on the ride over, Colet would always lend her shoulder. “Sandal ka lang, Loi. Gisingin kita pagkarating.”
Those bus rides were also the witness of their silly little dreams being casually brought up. She’d hear Colet say, “Loi, it’s a long shot for now, pero ano sa tingin mo, anong sasakyan gusto mo pag nakaahon na tayo sa lusak?” Maloi remembered she laughed at Colet when she heard that question, but Maloi answered at least big enough to fit all their friends.
Colet laughed and agreed. So, on the next bus rides, whenever they saw an SUV, they would always ask each other, “kasya siguro tayo dyan?” “May color yellow kaya niyan?”
Maloi couldn’t help but release a chuckle, there were moments they’d even argue about picking which color. But when those funny banters die down, they would always end up sitting (sometimes, standing because of how packed the bus was) in silence. Colet would tell her, with a content smile on her face, and eyes full of love and admiration, one that Maloi still vividly remembers, “I love these moments with you, Loi. Kahit sa bus pa, sa sasakyan, o kahit naglalakad, it doesn’t matter. As long as I travel with you.” And for a long time, that was enough.
They were enough.
How Maloi still wished, even if they were long done, especially during some nights just like tonight, that it could have been enough.
—
The next thing she pulled was a set of music sheets.
It was one of the songs they used to sing together after watching a gig in one of their favorite haunts. Uso pa noon yung tinaguriang last song syndrome and this was one of theirs for sure.
They used to love just hanging out in either one's unit, chilling out and playing instruments — Colet with her guitar and Maloi with her ukelele or occasionally, goofing around on Colet’s piano.
At first, as with anything that's done the first time, kinapa nila ang pagtugtog nang magkasama. But eventually? The harmony between them was effortless. Isang kaskas o vocalization lang, alam na agad ng isa't isa kung saan sila papasok, kung anong areglo ang gagawin.
And that's a microcosm of their relationship.
They had to put in the work, especially in the beginning. If there’s one thing Maloi is proud of, it was how she and Colet made it work in the early days of their relationship. Although Maloi already knew her way around Colet’s tendencies of isolating herself whenever something bad happens or just simply a bad day for Colet, there were still times that it would get into Maloi’s nerves.
“Col, isa, you know na hindi mo ako madadaan sa ganyan. Either you tell me what’s wrong, or ako ang susuyuin mo kasi napipikon na talaga ako sayo.”
“Loi naman…”
“Ano? I think I’ve given you enough time dahil alam ko you need your space to think things through, pero patapos na ang araw Colet, how much time do you still need? Ibibigay ko naman, but I won’t let that affect me.”
Maloi could swear in front of anyone how much she loves Colet, she’d do anything to make her girlfriend smile, or lift up her mood, but Maloi also knew when to call her out when it’s overstepping her boundaries.
“Napipikon ako…”
“About?”
“Nginitian mo kasi ‘yung sumunod na nag-perform sa’kin kagabi.”
“Ano? Sino?” Maloi asked.
“Basta, yung lalaking nag-perform kagabi.”
“Buang. Ni hindi ko nga maalala yang sinasabi mo, Colet. And if I did, maybe I was just being polite. Alam mo naman kung para kanino lang ang mga ngiti ko.”
“Nambobola ka pa.”
“Hindi, I’m saying lang, kung ngingiti man ako sa iba, ibig sabihin non, may manners ako. Pero pagdating sayo, may kasama pa yang bahay at lupa.”
Maloi couldn’t help but laugh over that memory, for some, it was a trivial thing to remember, but for Maloi, it was a stepping stone where Colet started working on communicating with her more. As if a door has opened and created a space where deeper understanding and incomparable connection was built between them.
After that, everything became seamless, and not in a bad way. It's as the saying goes, “to be loved is to be known”, and it was a wonderful thing.
How much better can it get? Knowing you don't have to explain yourself. Knowing that someone understands, even before anything had to be said, and that someone's looking out for you, always.
Maloi couldn't control the smile that broke through her face, humming the song to herself.
Sa wakas nandito ka na
Natakot pa 'ko nung simula
Sa wakas kapiling ka na
Natakot pa 'ko na mag-isa
Mundo kong malabo kinulayan mo
Dumaloy by SUD.
It was one of the nights where they didn't really have any plan in mind, they just wanted to spend time with each other. That's how they ended up watching that gig and they couldn't get the track out of their heads.
She remembers Colet turning to her and saying, “That's you to me, Loi. That's you to me.”
Well, that's Colet to her too.
Amidst all the uncertainties, despite all the doubts, andyan siya.
She used to fear moving through all of it alone, but Colet was there. She held her hand through the dark and pulled her through — into a world of screaming colors.
Everything's much more vivid with her. The joy, and eventually, the sadness too.
That's what made the sheet music so special.
When Colet started to pursue music more actively, one of the first gigs the label eyeing her took her to was SUD’s. And Colet, in all her thoughtfulness and excitement, well, she printed out the sheet music for the song she could find and brought it with her, fully intending to ask the band to sign it so that she could give it to Maloi.
Because that's how Colet loved Maloi.
She'd do things she's not used to, she'd bear all the discomfort, and she'd push through her inhibitions. All that to make sure her beloved knows she is loved.
And Maloi knew that. She knew that very well.
—
She was rummaging through the box when she pulled an art booklet from one of the galleries they visited.
She had just mentioned to Colet that she wanted to explore more of the metropolitan art scene and the other surprised her with a date to the opening of a new exhibit by Maloi's favorite local artist.
Colet always knew how to get her, but she also never runs out of surprises.
They made a day out of it. Colet picked her up and they ate at Maloi’s go-to resto whenever she feels down. She then took her to look around their favorite vinyl shops and even picked up the records Loi had wanted for so long but always thought would be financially irresponsible to buy seeing as she didn't have much yet.
“You deserve this, my love.” was what Colet said as she handed her the limited edition UDD vinyls. “You've loved them for so long and what better records to start your collection with?”
Loi’s heart couldn't contain itself.
Colet remembered.
She had been very busy and they couldn't see each other so much so they had to make do with messages that they don't really get to read on time about updates going on in each other's lives and Colet remembered.
It was a throw-away update from Loi, just a short message telling her that she finally figured out how to fix her father's old vinyl player that had been sitting in their old house which she brought along with her to her new place in Manila. It was an endeavor that took her months, well into Colet’s new phase and yet, the girl remembered.
And that's not the only time she surprised her that day.
It's the first time they've gone out in a while seeing as Colet had been preoccupied with label meetings and check-ins. The applications and interviews seem to be paying off now. What was once a dream is slowly becoming a probable eventuality and Maloi is so proud of her.
Watching Colet be in her element, finally getting the opportunities her talent and work ethic deserves? It's astounding.
And yet, Colet still tries to make time for her, for them.
She briefly mentioned earlier that she asked for this day off weeks ago because she missed Maloi and wanted to spend time and focus on her. And Colet is doing a bang up job at that.
She always has. And by the looks of it, she always will.
She'll definitely try the hardest at the very least.
And Maloi loves her for that, always.
So yes, it's the date of her dreams with the person who comprises every vision of the future she wants to have and her heart is absolutely full, but they haven't even gotten to the day's pièce de résistance as Colet promised.
Well, the exhibit was a sight to behold.
Maloi valued the time Colet spent going through the whole showcase with her. She'd been busy and could have just decided to rest today but she's here.
“Thank you, Col. For today. I'm having the best time.” Maloi says as they walk hand in hand through one of the corridors of the exhibit. “Ang galing nung artist! Ang ganda ng mga gawa niya.” sabi pa nito habang ginagala ang kanyang paningin.
Colet nods in agreement. “Ang ganda nga.” but she wasn't looking at any of the paintings. Her eyes were only on Maloi. Like they always are.
“Alam kong di mo hilig ‘to, so really, thank you, Col. Sobrang naappreciate ko ‘to.”
“Loi, if it matters to you, it matters to me too. Okay? And besides? Seeing you here, in your element? It's the greatest view. Sobrang bonus na lang na I get to plan things like this for you.”
“Hay, bolera talaga.”
“Not with you, Loi. Never with you.”
Before they left that day, Loi went to the powder room to freshen up and Colet said she had a call to take.
They continued the rest of the day just being their usual clingy selves to each other, making the most of the time they have together. Loi thought they'd be heading home but Colet wanted to take her out for coffee first so they decided to get some and go for a walk in the park close to Maloi’s condo.
After that, Colet walked her home. But before Loi could go inside her unit, Colet pulls her back gently and says, “Wait, Loi. I have something for you.” She reaches into the backpack to pull a carefully wrapped package.
“From the exhibit earlier!” she excitedly hands it to Maloi. “They said it has prints of the things they displayed and well, I wanted you to have it. You looked so happy kanina and I figured it'd be nice for you to get to keep a copy of those works close by.”
Maloi wrapped her up in a tight hug, “You didn't have to, Col.”
Colet shook her head and smiled, “I want to. I want you to have something to hold on to when inspiration escapes you. Sobrang ganda nga ng mga obra so I think it'd help you rediscover your muses if you ever hit a slump. Kaya, ayan, I got that for you. I love you, Loi.”
“Mahal kita, palagi, Colet.”
And Colet was right. It did become Maloi's source of inspiration. But not in the way she probably intended. Maloi didn't see the colors of that art book, not really.
But she remembers the story behind it. She remembers someone who always saw her as the only option, who'd answer her to every question.
Then she remembers that she was loved, that she deserves a love like that.
And she takes heart. After everything, Colet is still in her heart.
—
She kept going through the objects by feel when she chanced upon a cold chain. She drags it out to see and she teared up. It's Colet’s guitar pick from her first official label-backed gig.
It was in Kronos, a gig venue endeared to the indie crowd. If you think about it, it wasn't so different from the gigs she used to have. Hell, Colet got to play in Kronos with her friends a few years prior but still, something about seeing the event poster and knowing that this time, she's taking tangible steps to her dream was still so awe-inspiring.
They booked her for it and it was just her name on the artist list. Finally, Colet’s a soloist. At long last, she gets to let the world know her sound.
After their exhibit date, today would be the next night they'd get to spend alone. Colet’s coming home with her after the gig. Naalala niya pa pagkasabi ni Colet sa kanya tungkol dito.
They were on a call, just discussing how their days went, as per usual, when Col suddenly shrieked with joy (this is not usual).
“Loi!! Oh my god!! Pumayag sila Sir!”
“Saan?”
“After daw ng launch, I get the next day off. Makakauwi na ako sa’yo!!”
“Wait, wait what?? Launch?? Ma. Nicolette? Malalaunch ka na?”
“Oo, pero mas mahalaga, Loi. I'm coming home to you! Grabe, ang tagal na.”
“Colet, huy! Launch? As in ipapakilala ka na as their talent? Kelan pa yan naging sure? Huy! We should celebrate!!”
“Oh, di ko pa yun sinabi kasi I wanted that to be a surprise? Hay nako, miss kita masyado, nasira ko tuloy sarili kong surprise.” One could hear the awkwardness in her tone, sayang ata talaga yung sorpresa. “Since the gallery, Loi! Kaya pala pumayag din sila sa time off request ko back then. They thought it'd do me good to chase my muse. Kasi yun lagi ko pakilala sa’yo!” The exuberance in her voice returned.
“But on to the most important thing, Loi! Grabe, di mo ba ako namiss. Kasi ako, miss na miss kita. Super!! Anong gusto mong gawin natin that day?”
“Can I watch your launch? Tapos sundo kita doon, tapos since day off mo the next day, kahit ano nalang maisip natin then? I could care less about what we do, Col. I just want us to be together. Sabi mo nga, it's been a while.”
“Of course, Loi. There's no one else I'd want watching me front and center but you.”
“I love you, Col. Kahit di ka nagsasabi na malalaunch ka na.” She added teasingly but also with an undertone of tampo.
“Sorry na kasi. Promise, gusto ko lang sana isurprise ka.” panunuyong tono ng boses ni Colet.
“Well, I'm surprised alright.” Maloi laughed. “And I'm so very proud of you, Colet. Ito na. Yung matagal mo nang pinangarap.”
“I wouldn't have reached this without you, Loi. I had the dream but you gave me the courage to pursue it. Especially when it got so hard. So this is my dream, but it's only ever felt possible with you. You're the heart of this dream coming true.”
“Bolera ka talaga, Col.”
“Hindi nga, grateful lang talaga sa’yo. I don't know what I'd do without you, love. I hope I'll never have to know.”
“Well, I know you'll be fine, regardless. Pero di ako mawawala sa’yo, kahit di na ako katabi mo, okay?”
“Okay. I love you.” malambing na pagsambit ni Colet.
“Mahal na mahal kita, Col. At tandaan mo palagi, you deserve all of this ha? Kilala kita, minsan maingay yang utak mo. Pero Col, know this okay? The world will see you and your talent, they will get to know your heart, and ngayon pa lang sigurado akong mamahalin ka rin nila. Kung hindi, sasapakin ko sila isa-isa.”
“Aw, Loi naman. Loko ka talaga. Pero salamat. Di ko naman kailangan mahalin ng mundo, basta mahal mo ako, basta mahal ako ng pamilya at mga kaibigan ko, okay na ako.” Colet laughed, Maloi does have a way with words, but she stands by what she said. Hindi niya kailangan ang mundo. As long as her loved ones love her, she'll be fine.
“Kahit na. You'll be a star, Col. They're gonna love you, I just know it. Pero ano,” medyo seryosong tono ng boses ni Maloi, “I want you to know, bago pa man ang lahat, bago pa ang pagsikat, you're enough. Okay? You're enough. You are loved. And you'll always be the number one girl in my eyes. Okay?”
“Loi naman eh, bakit ka nagpapaiyak?” medyo garalgal na ang boses ni Colet.
“Di naman sadya yan, mahal. Basta, huwag mong kalimutan ha? Promise me.” Naluluha na rin si Maloi.
“Promise.”
And Loi stands by that too. Colet is her number one girl. Always.
She's glad Colet knows she's loved too, that she got to let her know.
Colet’s launch went well. Maloi has never seen her as happy as she did that night. Colet’s voice was captivating, her lyricism on point, her performance otherworldly. She belongs on that stage and seeing the crowd loving her, wow. If Maloi’s heart could swell even more, it already had.
There's a different joy seeing the one you love get to do the things she loves. Colet’s getting closer and closer to her dreams and Maloi couldn't be any prouder and happier.
She told Colet as much when the whole show was done and they were in the car on the way home and Colet just rewarded her with the brightest smile she could muster and moved to hold her hand.
“Ang gaan kanina, Loi. Nagulat ako sa gaan kasi yung kaba ko bago magsimula halos walang mapaglagyan. Pero grabe, when I started singing, it was just me and my song. The whole place vanished and the noise faded, para bang bumalik ako ulit doon sa Colet na kumakanta lang sa sarili kong kwarto, just focusing on all I have yet to say. Grabe. This is so surreal and I'm so glad you were there to see it and experience that with me.” She leaned further into Maloi and nestled herself in the crook of her neck. “Nga pala, love. Sorry natagalan ako kanina ha? I had to wait for something to get done before I could go.”
Maloi wrapped her arm around Colet and helped her settle down even further. “Ano ka ba, I'll wait for you naman lagi. Baka nga nagmadali ka eh, di naman kailangan. Di mo ata ninamnam kanina yung moment, baka magtampo team mo.”
“Loi, there's really no place I'd rather be, promise.” She moved to take something from her pocket. “Ito kasi hinihintay ko kanina, look! For you.” She gave it to Maloi and kept her head down, unsure about her girlfriend’s reaction.
A quick glance at the thing and Maloi couldn't stop the tears from falling. It was a guitar pick necklace, and knowing Colet, it most likely was the pick she used earlier.
She's proven right when Colet whispered, “It's not much but it's a piece of my dream that came true, Loi. You got me here, and I think it's only right that you hold on to it. I've thought a lot about our conversation over the phone and I want you to have it. I want you to know, no matter what happens, you'll forever have a piece of me, the person that you once helped build and become. Okay?”
Loi just nodded, she knows Colet can feel her movement. Her tears kept flowing endlessly that she had to pull over at the side of an empty highway.
“Ano ba yan, bakit ka umiiyak,” Colet chuckled and wiped her tears. Maloi could only shake her head while unbuckling her seatbelt, crossing the little space between them and settled on Colet’s lap, hugging her tightly.
“Sabi ko pa naman, hindi kita sasapawan. I was expecting you to cry and be sentimental about today, Col, pero bakit ako agad ang naalala mo?”
“Bakit hindi? You were there for me when I couldn’t even write my first note, you clapped for me inside those tiny four walls when I finally found my rhythm, you stayed up all night with me because I was so stubborn about finishing writing a song. Lahat, Loi, nandoon ka. Mag-isa lang akong nangangarap dati, Loi, pero simula nung dumating ka, para mo kong binigyan ng pakpak. Kasama kitang binuo lahat ng ‘to, Loi. You are and will always be my first thought in everything.”
Maloi could only nod, Colet’s words didn’t help at all. When Maloi finally calmed down, she looked straight at Colet, who smiled at her and fixed her messy hair, “Loi, magagawa mo kaya ‘to kung nasa bus tayo after ng launch ko?”
Maloi’s head fell back because of laughter. She even slapped Colet’s arm.
“Dati nangangarap lang tayong magka-sasakyan, we got one, eventually. And now, another dream has come true. Dito ka lang, ha? Marami pa tayong pangarap na tutuparin.”
Maloi stared at the guitar pick Colet gave her. A memento of a dream come true.
And even if it doesn’t hang around her neck anymore, Maloi remembers.
She always will.
—
The last thing Maloi got was probably the biggest reminder of how great the love between them was.
And how great the loss would be.
It was her very first set of copic markers. They looked so worn and used and she remembers everything she had painted with them. Especially in the aftermath.
She remembers the worlds and stories she told using those very same ones.
And she remembers when, how, and why it was given.
She wanted to forget.
Colet gave it to her. “I will always support you and your pursuit of art, Loi. I want to see your view of the world, because you teach me to see all of it — in screaming color, but also with recognition of the shadows that make things more vivid.”
It was right after Maloi’s first art exhibit. It was just a small gig really, but as Colet said, it was hers. It'll be her works displayed in a space designed to bring her vision to life.
She couldn't believe it was happening. People resonated with her art enough for it to be chosen like this.
Wow, just wow.
And with her beloved by her side still, despite their schedules rarely matching, the many things in each other's lives they're starting to miss.
They were still together, trying to make it work.
Tonight was a testament of that.
Colet was late. Extremely so, and she had been sending apologies to Maloi's phone since the first minute after the time she said she was going to arrive. Maloi couldn't respond to her. She was getting pulled into different directions with many people to meet and converse with.
Hindi naman nagtatampo si Maloi. At least that's what she's trying to tell herself. But still, she keeps looking around, hoping for the next pass of her eyes to reveal Colet.
After all, this exhibit was her homage to her and their relationship.
No, it wasn't all faces of Colet painted on various things (though Maloi could probably manage that too). Instead, it's a lot of little things, moments, snippets of their life together reinterpreted by Maloi in the style of her art.
From stills of mundane things and sights made special by the memories of Colet — a meadow they once came upon way back when times were simpler, a scene from a window looking out on the street outside their favorite restaurant, the scene in either of their kitchens every morning whenever one of them sleeps over. It's all of these beautiful things that comprise the home they were trying to build despite the seeming distance now.
This was Maloi's love letter, expressed in the fashion she knew best.
Will her lover get to know?
She hopes so.
She has to.
She did.
Colet arrived, eventually.
The crowd was gone and Maloi sent their friends home too, despite their best efforts to try and stay with her until Colet gets there.
She makes it. Barely.
There was no one else there and she was nervous as hell.
Would Maloi be mad? Colet promised she'd be there for the big things and will try to always be felt through the small ones.
Today was big, gargantuan even, and she didn't make it, not in time. So she understands if Maloi was pissed.
She wasn't.
She greeted Colet with a soft smile and a big hug. “Hi, love. You made it.”
And that just about triggered the waterworks from Colet. She had been feeling so guilty for being so late and yet, her beloved still welcomes her with such understanding.
“I'm sorry, my love.” it was like a mantra that spilled from her lips as she stays in the hug that felt like everything all at once.
“It's okay, Col. You're here now.” Maloi's reassurance just kept the tears coming.
Eventually, Colet calmed down enough and wanted to take a look around.
And when she did? Muntik na naman siyang maiyak.
Their love, immortalized forever through Maloi's eyes.
Nothing will ever be as beautiful.
She hugged her, tighter than she's ever had, trying to convey the depth of the love she had for her in her heart.
She swallowed all the things she wanted to say, all the reasons for tardiness she absolutely wanted to avoid.
For now, this is all that matters.
Standing in the middle of the showcase that celebrated the best thing that ever happened to her, bar none.
She wanted to forget, even for a moment, all the people who started talking, the ones who had something to say about how Maloi seemed to be taking up her time, the ones who kept asking her to prioritize.
The world can wait.
Tonight is just for the both of them.
When they got home, Colet heats up the food she had delivered as Maloi freshened up. She wanted them to eat out and celebrate but Loi just said she wanted to spend time with her in private, that she was knackered from the day. Colet didn't insist anymore because she could infer what was unsaid. Even without malice, she knew she made Maloi wait. It's only fair she lets her rest.
After a quick meal, she sent Loi to the couch as the other refused her offer to sleep ahead. She washed the dishes and grabbed the thing she picked up for Loi in anticipation of her exhibit’s success.
“Tada!” She presented the gift gently to the woman who had been doodling on her sketchbook.
“Hala, Col. Ano ‘to? Bakit nag-abala ka na naman?”
“Buksan mo dali. Maliit lang naman yan but I couldn't let today go without that. Ang laking achievement kaya non, Loi. Your paintings displayed, your art shared with the world. I just wanted to celebrate that. Kaya go, buksan mo.”
Carefully, Maloi opened the carefully wrapped box and there, she saw the markers.
“Love, huy, joke ba ‘to? Ang mahal neto, Col! Huy, bakit ka naman gumastos!!”
“Para sayo naman eh. Sabi mo maganda yan, tas gusto mo itry. Edi, now you can try and make more of the beautiful art I know you're capable of.”
“Kahit na, huy, ilang libo rin ‘to.”
“Loi, don't think about that na. Isipin mo nalang, mababawi natin yan once you sell the things you make with that. O diba? ROI ka na.” Colet tried to joke to ease Maloi's feelings and to mask her fear, was it not the right gift? Was it too much?
She doesn't want Loi to think she's buying her love. She just thinks Loi deserves the best, and if she can give that, why not diba?
“Kulit mo, Col.”
“Ok lang makulit basta gamitin mo yung pen.”
Maloi runs her hands reverently over the set. It's a set of 72 markers, the one she had been eyeing but knew she couldn't get yet.
She looks at Colet who has been staring at her with puppy dog eyes.
“Suhol ba ‘to para mapatawad kita sa pagka-late mo?” She says but the smile threatening to break out makes it difficult for her to keep a straight face.
“Oh my goodness, no. No, Loi. And I would never do that.” Colet pouts, “Peksman, Loi. Please don't think of me like that.”
Maloi felt a little guilty, maybe she pushed the joke too far. She then takes one of Colet’s hands and holds it gently in hers.
“I know, shhh, I know. I'm sorry, bad joke.” she tightens her hold on Colet’s hand to make her look her in the eye. “Salamat dito, love. Maraming salamat. This means a lot.”
And there's so much in the undertones there — thank you for respecting my artistry, for supporting my craft, for seeing me.
All the things she wanted to say but held back.
“Thank you for making time still. I know it couldn't have been easy.” Maloi adds, a little more somber now.
“Mmm.” Colet hums in agreement. There's no sugarcoating it now. Her girlfriend knows her too well. “I'll always show up for you, Loi.”
“I know. I love you.”
That's the problem.
Maloi knows.
That's how Colet loves.
That's not how they want her to be.
—
That was the beginning of the end for them.
A couple of months after that, the flimsy structures they tried to keep up fell apart.
She had not allowed herself to dwell on that end for so long but well, time has a funny way of going through things.
Maybe tonight was about that too.
What they had was beautiful and that's what made the parting so painful.
They didn't fall out of love.
Maybe it would have been easier if they did.
As a matter of fact, one could argue they ended because they still loved each other.
She knew Colet loved her more than enough to let her dream go.
But she loved Colet more than enough to let her go.
So she did.
Inunahan niya na.
And it was probably the most difficult thing she had to do.
She called it quits.
She's been hurting since.
They both have.
Just as she was about to close the box, a slip of paper fell.
It was the note Colet had left for her when she gave back the guitar pick necklace.
Maloi returned that necklace when she broke up with her and she could never forget just how devastated Colet looked that day. Betrayal and heartbreak clearly written on her face.
“I told you, you built me. This is yours to keep.” That's what the note says, that's the balm she tells herself to lessen the pain.
Pinabigay ito ni Colet kay Aiah.
That happened about a year in.
Their friend group almost splintered in the beginning — di naman namili ang kanilang mga kaibigan but Jho, Mikhs, and Staku ended up staying with Colet more. After all, they were in similar industries.
Sheena, Gwen, and Aiah were there for Maloi naman. Being the ones away from the limelight, it was easier for them to keep in touch and check on Maloi when things were difficult.
Of course, the six of them stayed friends with Loi and Colet. They've known each other too long to break that. That's also how they kept tabs on the heartbroken ex-couple and they could see how difficult it's been for them.
Colet was losing her will to keep chasing the dream that took her heart away. How can she make music when she has lost her muse? She was starting to resent the whole thing and that worried their friends even more.
Maloi, on the other hand, kept trying to look for semblances of Colet in the spaces they used to share. It's the trigger that had her finally giving music a shot, her heart and mind screaming too little too late. It's her last ditch attempt at trying to stay close to Colet, if only for a very tiny moment, each time she sings.
She remembers the first time she played for their friends. They were surprised. After all, that was Colet’s thing. Maloi only ever sang with her in private before, believing that Colet was the better musician between them.
The whole group (minus Colet) were in Gwen's pub, or what would be a pub. She recently purchased a space and wanted to turn it into a space for good food but she was unsure about what else to include there. The group brought around some things to brighten the place — some instruments, paintings, even some arcade games. Sabi nila gift na rin daw for her and Gwen loves it. It's like the space will contain traces of their friendship and she likes the character it will get from these objects.
Abala silang lahat sa pag-uusap, pag-aayos, at pagluluto nang marinig nilang tumunog ang piano na siya palang bigay ni Colet.
It was Maloi on the keys, playing a haunting tune.
No words appear before me in the aftermath
Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears
The girls froze. They knew Maloi could carry a tune, but they didn't know she could play and sing like this.
For some unknown reason, Aiah felt compelled to film the moment. She took her phone out and discreetly moved closer to Loi. But she needn't have bothered. Maloi's eyes were closed and it was obvious that she's being transported by the moment someplace else in her head.
Listening closely to her lyrics, Jhoanna, Sheena, and Stacey couldn't help but get teary-eyed. The words so aptly describe how their friends are.
Laging tulala at paiyak, even after months of separation. They're like robots going through the motions, ghosts merely passing through.
Colet told Jhoanna once, it's as if the well of words had gone dry. Maloi used to tell Gwen, there's nothing more to say.
Only tears. So much of it.
Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness
'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea
Maloi, with her eyes still closed, continued to sing. Eyes full of tears and occasionally wiping them, she remembered the early months of their breakup. She remembered that day, it’s as if something died inside her, one that numbed her senses.
She kept telling herself it was for the better.
But was it? When everything about her turned into black and white after they separated. As if Maloi can only see the world as it is, cold, cruel, unforgiving.
Everything that she used to love? She wasn’t able to face it for a little while, afraid of the memories coming back.
Because everything that she used to love, Colet was in it. Colet was in every goddamn stitch of her life and she no longer knew how to live it without her. And for a while, she did not want to.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
Aiah continued filming Maloi, restraining herself from bawling. If there’s one person that witnessed how the breakup ruined Maloi, it was her.
She was there, when Maloi would just sit in silence, not uttering a single word, and would offer a timid smile. Far from Maloi that always beamed and had thousands of stories to tell.
She was there, when Maloi denied the offer for a new art exhibit. One that would have catapulted her into bigger artistic spaces.
Aiah was there, when Maloi suddenly didn’t know how to walk this earth since she had lost Colet, as if Colet took everything with her. She had never felt as terrified as she did at that moment, seeing her closest friend be a shell of who she used to be and there was nothing she could do. Hindi niya maabot si Maloi, she was so out of reach.
“Loi, ano ba,” Aiah cried, “ano ba kasi,” she repeated, with despair in her voice and still catching her breath from running in, as she watched Maloi picking up the broken canvases inside her room. She was tidying up in the kitchen when she heard horrifying crashes coming from her friend's room. Aiah looked at her friend, only staring at the empty canvas in front of her. With tears running from her eyes.
That’s the thing, may luhang pumapatak but never did Aiah see Maloi cry for help. Ni isang beses, hindi dumaing si Maloi sa kanila. She kept her silence for so long and the only thing that was constant was the stream of tears that seemingly never stopped. It’s as if the tears are just automatically there.
Maloi wiped her tears and smiled at Aiah, one that she has mastered faking, before turning away, continuing to pick up more pieces. “Sorry, magliligpit naman ako mamaya, Aiah. May hinahanap lang kasi sana, ‘yan tuloy.”
“Loi…” Aiah hugged her friend from behind, Aiah could only pray it was tight enough to put back the broken pieces inside Maloi’s heart.
“Hindi… hindi ko na alam,” Maloi clutched on Aiah’s arm around her, allowing herself to put down her walls and let herself feel, “Aiah, hindi ko na alam. I’ve been trying, gusto ko namang bumalik sa dati, but I don’t know how. Ate Aiah, please. Turuan mo ako, Ate. Please. Please tell me. Paano ba? Tangina, Ate, paano ba? Pagod na pagod na ako, Ate Aiah.”
Aiah wiped her tears upon remembering when Maloi finally succumbed to the pain of losing someone she built her life with.
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
Maloi opened her eyes, her attention fixated on the painting she gave to Gwen for her pub, hanging not so far in front of her. It was the first painting she’d done after the breakup. An abstract of everything she was trying to say, wanted to say, should’ve said. She wasn't proud of it exactly, but when Gwen saw it in her condo, she took one glance at it and immediately wrapped Maloi in a hug, “Welcome back, Ate Maloi. Mahal na mahal ka namin ha? Don't ever forget that.”
She figured it'd be a nice gift to Gwen and their friends, that it had been difficult, that it will be a mess, but with them and for them, she'll always fight to get herself back.
Maloi, though her voice was shaking, continued to sing.
Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia?
Did some force take you because I didn't pray?
For a while, Maloi resented everything. To hell with dreams.
Bakit laging may kapalit ang pangangarap?
Did they dream too much?
Did they ask for too much?
Putanginang pangarap.
Maloi only wanted a life with Colet, was that really something so big to ask for? Putangina talaga ng pangarap, as if it’s only waiting for her to let her guard down and completely catch her blindsided. They had been trying their best and giving everything they could to make it work pero bakit ganito? Bakit kailangang sapakin ng katotohonan na putangina ng pangarap.
Tanginang pangarap. Pinagdasal niya naman ah, pinagdasal naman nila. It's been said over and over again that the universe conspires to let people pursue their dreams. Bakit ganito?
Puta, nangarap lang naman sila ah?
Bakit kailangang sila ang kapalit?
Every single thing to come has turned into ashes
'Cause it's all over, it's not meant to be
Slowly, Maloi came into terms of dealing with a life without Colet. The mornings that were full of tears upon realizing it was all not a dream became a nod to herself that it’s okay, it’s okay if there was no Colet beside her.
It’s okay if there was no Colet on the passenger’s seat, telling her stories of her favorite bands, wanting to meet them someday, that she would bring Maloi to meet them, too.
It’s okay if there was no Colet that would be beside her in art galleries, asking her what the painting in front of them means.
It’s okay if there was no Colet that would cook for her whenever she craves for her favorite food.
It’s okay… Maloi told that to herself a lot of times just to get by. Just to make herself believe that it is.
It’s okay, Loi.
It’s going to be okay.
That was the mantra, the prayer. It had to be.
All the loss and pain, it couldn't go to waste. It just couldn't.
Nawasak ang mundo nila, nadurog ang mga puso. It can't be for naught.
She couldn't have chosen to lose Colet for nothing.
It has to be okay.
So I'll say words I don't believe
Maloi couldn’t remember when it was that she picked up a pen and a piece of paper, unlike her usual canvas and paint.
She remembered Colet telling her to write her thoughts, even if it’s not coherent, just write them. Especially when she would find Maloi overwhelmed by the weight of the words she wouldn't let herself say.
Although Maloi tried to avoid anything that would remind her of Colet, Colet has her own ways of fitting herself in every thought. And Maloi’s too tired to even fight it. It's as WS Merwin said in one of the poems she read.
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
That's how it felt like. She cannot deny it. Colet is in every movement and decision she makes, even when she's no longer physically there. They've loved each other through so much to just cease existing to each other.
So she wrote, and wrote, and wrote.
Until she came up with this song.
A song that houses Colet in every thought, their love in every word, their hopes and dreams in every tune.
Maloi remembered those moments when she would watch Colet in silence, letting the other girl be absorbed in her own world, and Maloi remembered how she’d always smile and admire how passionate Colet is.
She’d even created scenarios in her head where Colet would be standing in front of everyone, facing them with a big smile as she bowed down and the crowd would erupt while clapping for Colet. Just as they dreamed together.
Maloi sees herself in that crowd, too, front row to be exact, and Colet would look at her and mouth an I love you. Maloi would say I love you back, she would run backstage and give Colet a big hug. And they will go home and celebrate. Because that’s how they always were, celebrating each other’s success and dreams come true.
Just like they dreamed, planned, and hoped for so many years.
So through this song, Maloi’s finally letting go of that dream, of that version of them that reached their dreams together.
And accepting that she would never be beside Colet again and witness the woman she would become.
And she'll say words she does not believe every time she says goodbye.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without
I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
She's never going to meet someone she'd love like this again. And she knows she doesn't want to.
Because she already had the answer to every question she'd ever be asked, the dream she'd always hope for, the love she was perhaps not meant to keep.
And every single person thereafter would not hold a candle to Colet, the one person who will always be…
… What could've been, would've been
What should've been you
—