Due to his horrible upbringing, Sirius Black was terrible with identifying and dealing with his own emotions.
Which is why it took him so terribly long to realize he was in love with one Remus Lupin. It took the aid of one James Potter, who had always been the most emotionally stable of the Marauders, to finally convince Sirius that what he was feeling most definitely went beyond the bonds of normal friendship.
“No, Sirius, it’s not normal to want to snarl at a girl for talking to Moony, even if you do think he could do better.”
“Sirius, you literally stare at him all the time. It’s worse than me with Evans.”
“Do you get the swishy feeling in your chest when you see me? No? Think about that for a second.”
“For fucks sake, Sirius, you’re gay. ”
Eventually, Sirius warmed to the idea of being a flamer in love with his best mate. After all, it was just another thing to piss off his parents, in his mind.
But then it got worse. It started to hurt. Every damn time he saw Remus smiling or laughing, his heart ached and his palms sweat. So he started to push away. He hooked up with every openly queer bloke in Ravenclaw. Then Hufflepuff. Then a few Gryffindors. It took the pain away, if only for an hour or so, and it was almost worth the feeling of disgust constantly settled in his stomach.
Almost.
~
Remus, on the other hand, needed no prompting to realize he was head over heels for the pureblooded boy.
It started as admiration in first year for being so ‘cool’, then quickly turned into an adolescent crush he couldn’t wait to grow out of.
But he never did.
By fifth year, Remus had accepted his fate as the idiot who fell in love with the unattainable; Sirius Black. After all, who would want to be saddled with a werewolf their whole life? Especially someone as stunningly gorgeous as Sirius, with his long hair and delicate bone structure.
But his heart wouldn’t listen. It sang whenever he spoke to Sirius, and burned when the other boy came back to the door reeking of sex and someone else’s cologne.
And when Sirius began to stop talking to Remus, began to no longer meet his eye, Remus’ already broken heart broke just a little bit further.
“I just don’t understand.” He stared into his cup of tea, seated across from Lily Evans, who sat with a sympathetic look on her pretty face. “Why won’t he speak to me? Did I do something?”
“Do you think you should talk to him about this, love?” Lily said gently, covering Remus’ much larger hand with her own petite one. “After all, neither of us know what he’s thinking. It could be a family thing.”
Remus shook his head. “No, he gets angry then. This is different, this is...this is like fear.” His heart dropped. “Oh Merlin, he’s terrified of me.”
Lily scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous, the boy-” She stopped herself, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Look, just talk to him about this, alright? Promise me.”
“I promise.” Remus sighed.
~
Sirius wasn’t getting over Remus.
No matter what he did, he couldn’t get amber eyes and messy curls out of his head. All he had manage to do was drive Remus further out of his grasp.
So, yeah, to say he was shocked when Remus grabbed his upper arm and roughly dragged him into an abandoned classroom one day was a massive understatement.
“ Leggo of me! ” He struggled, but Remus’ grip was unyielding, the wolf and his size advantage both playing in his favor.
Damn, Sirius hated being so small sometimes.
Remus practically threw him into a chair, pinning Sirius down with a harsh glare Sirius had only seen on the other boys face once before, and that was when Snape had used Sirius’ family against him. Sirius had never seen the taller boy so angry before, and he had never wanted to again, and now that anger was directed at him.
Merlin, Sirius was a dick. Not that he was about to admit it.
“Care to explain why I’m here?” Sirius said testily.
Remus got to the point quickly, amber eyes narrowed into slits. “Why are you ignoring me?”
“Is that really what this is about?” Sirius said, appalled not quite being the right word.
“Yes.” And oh, Remus’ voice was cold, unforgiving. “You haven’t looked me dead in the eye for weeks. We haven't spoken in longer than that. Oh for the love of- look at me! ”
Sirius gaze, which had been wandering around the room, snapped back to the taller boy.
“Why have you suddenly decided you hated me?” Remus’ voice broke, sanger suddenly gone and replaced with pure, unadulterated sadness. “I thought...I thought we were friends, Sirius.”
Bloody hell, Sirius really was a dick.
“Remus…” But try as he might, the words wouldn’t come out.
Remus sighed. “You know what, just don’t.” He turned to walk away, clearly having given up, but Sirius was out of his seat in an instant to wrap his hand around Remus’ wrist in an effort to stop him.
“I don’t hate you!” He blurted out, suddenly desperate. He couldn't have this beautiful boy thinking Sirius hated him, no, he couldn't , Remus deserved so much better, so much-
“You don't?” Remus said skeptically, but there was an undeniable flicker of hope in his eyes.
“No, no, I…” Sirius paused once more. Could he really risk everything? But then he dared to look Remus in the eye, and his ironclad will shattered, leaving only the warmth of young love behind. “Merlin, Rem, I’ve been avoiding you because I’m in love with your sorry arse.” He laughed hollowly. “It’s kinda funny, innit? The blood traitor in love with the werewolf.”
Remus didn’t say anything, just stared at him with wide eyes.
Sirius released his wrist, staring down at the ground. “Ach, this was a mistake. My bad.” He laughed again, but it sounded fake even to his own ears. “I’ll just-”
And then he was being kissed within an inch of his life.
~
Remus kissed like he spoke, all desperation and passion, cupping Sirius’ face in a gentle grip, trying to say everything he couldn’t with words.
Sirius froze for a second, but only that, before coming to life. He gave as good as he got, winding is arms around Remus’ shoulder as Remus licked at his lower lip, asking for permission which he quickly received.
They broke apart moments later, only when the need for air became to much to ignore. Gasping for breath, Remus couldn’t help but beam like a child. “You don’t hate me.”
Sirius smiled back, this amazing, loving smile Remus never thought he’d get to see aimed at him. “I could never hate you.”
~
It took trials and tribulation, and a hell of a lot of error, but these two broken boys found a home in each other. They found love.
And neither of them had any plans on letting that go.