far gone- drarry

Harry was not happy. Okay, that was an understatement, Harry James Potter was without a doubt, downright miserable. He barely ever left the house, only to go to his job at the Auror department, and even then, he hated it there. He was miserable and that was that. The war had come and gone, as well as his eighth year at Hogwarts and Auror training, so much happy things have happened in the past five years, but Harry can't seem to shake the hatred of himself, from himself and quite frankly, Draco Malfoy has absolutely not assisted Harry's situation at all, Harry hated having to be friends with the gorgeous git and he hated that it was his fault that they were friends, but most of all he hated that he didn't hate Malfoy at all and he couldn't do shit about it. You see, Harry has been harbouring a crush on the blond prat since probably their fourth year but never admitted it to anyone, not even himself because he knew that Draco would hate him even more, Ron would probably never talk to him again, the media would have a field day; the chosen one gay AND in love with a DEATH-EATERS son?! but then seven months and twenty-three days ago, Draco Lucius Malfoy came out as gay and Harry saw a glimmer of hope that maybe just maybe he could have a chance with Draco, and it wasn't like they were enemies anymore; in their eighth year Draco, Pansy, Blaise, Ron Hermione and Harry sorted out all their differences and became really close friends and Pansy and hermione and blaise and Ron got together, while Harry and Draco didn’t. Then two weeks after Draco came out, Harry ran into Draco and Theo sodding Nott making out in the copy room, Harry took the rest of the day off, thinking that he could just pretend it never happened and move on, but when has Harry's life ever gone to plan? Right, never. Three days later Draco and Theo confirmed the relationship and Theo became a part of their little group of six. Harry was miserable, yes but that didn't stop him from going out for Friday drinks with Pansy, Hermione, Ron, Blaise and Draco, but when Draco and Theo got together it was too hard, it hurt to see them all over each other, all the damned time. Slowly Harry stopped going to Friday drinks, slowly he retracted into himself as he did all those years ago after the war.

"Harry!" WHACK "James!" WHACK "Potter!" WHACK.

A shrill voice rips Harry out of his restless sleep, he, high on his confusion and sleep deprivation, fumbles around for his glasses. Once he finally finds them on his bedside table, he sees the blurry outline of Pansy Parkinson.

"What-? Pansy? What on Godric are you doing here?" Harry sleepily mumbles.

"Well, Mr Potter, you have made my girlfriend extremely unhappy and that is not okay. So, I convinced Kreacher to let me through your wards to ask you why the fuck have you not spoken to Hermione in almost over a month?! Did she do something wrong? Cause it's driving her mad and I just want Mione to be happy y' know." Pansy says before promptly whacking Harry with the pillow again.

"Ow- Pansy stop! And what are you going on about? I saw Mione last Tuesday at work and we had lunch together." Harry replied even more confused.

Pansy gives him an odd look. "Harry, darling, you haven't been to work in three weeks. Kingsley has been trying to contact you for weeks, he is seriously considering firing you."

Harry was shocked, had he seriously not gone to work in three weeks? Had he not left 12 Grimmauld Place in three weeks? Harry groaned into his pillow. "Let him fire me, for all I care."

Pansy sat down on Harry's bed and caught a whiff of him. "God Potter you stink! When was the last time you blooming showered?!”

Harry was groaned in response and attempted to go back to sleep. He was weak, miserable and weak.

“Honestly Potter, what would James and Sirius think if they saw you toda-" before Pansy could say any more Harry had rolled over and grabbed his wand and with one swift movement he is towering over the former Slytherin with his wand to her throat.

"Don't. Do not bring my dad and Sirius into this." As much as he tried to resist it his voice broke as he attempted to threaten the girl, but he couldn't hold it in any longer, he broke down in Pansy's arms. "I can't do this Pansy. I am so pathetic. No wonder he doesn't fucking love me. I am weak and broken and ugly and useless. No one will ever love me, I am going to die alone! I didn't even fucking realise I haven't left my house in three weeks! I am so god damn pathetic. He is happy with Theo, why can't I let him be happy? I am so selfish! God, I have been obsessing over my depressing crush and I didn't even think that he is happy! God, I am such a fucking arse. The world would be so much-" Pansy slapped him.

"Do not fucking finish that the last sentence Harry James Potter! Hermione was crying in my arms not even two hours ago because she hadn't seen you in four weeks. You are so loved and needed. the wizarding world would be under the rule of that old hag, voldy what’s it. Harry, you have to know that so many people love you-"

"No! No, Pansy, they don't! They love the boy who lived twice! The guy who has faced death every year since he was eleven! They love the boy who saved them, they don't love me, no one loves me! The one person who I want-no I need- to love me doesn't love me and there is nothing I can do about it! I am broken and ugly and scarred and no love can possibly love me! The Dursleys were right. Dudley was right. I am a pathetic nothing" Harry chokes back another sob.

Pansy didn't know what to do or say, so she just wraps her arms around the broken boy. She noticed that he was too skinny, too pale, but she didn't say anything, at least not yet, he needed to get this out. She holds him until his sobs slowly subside and he drifts off to uneasy sleep. She will get him to eat something, and shower, when he wakes up.

Pansy leaves Harry on his bed and goes to find Kreacher to possibly find out what has happened in the past three weeks, if Harry hadn't realised that he hasn't left the house then something must have happened.

"Mistress Parkinson, what can Kreacher do for you?" The old elf asks when Pansy approaches him.

"Kreacher, what has been happening to Harry in the past three weeks? No one has seen or heard of him since he left work three Fridays ago and Harry hasn't realised that three weeks have passed?" Pansy asks, the worry evident in her voice.

"Master Potter has been in what Kreacher thinks is a depressive state. He sleeps almost all day and is very cranky when he is awake, but also Kreacher has noticed that he often cries. Kreacher had to wake Master Potter to make sure he drinks water, so he mustn't die. Kreacher has taken as much care as he could of the young boy, but he is not sure what else to do." Kreacher replies to Pansy with pride in his voice for taking care of Harry. "Master Potter came home three Fridays ago, very drunk and ordered Kreacher to block his floo, let no owls in and no one in until he said otherwise. Kreacher only let Mistress Parkinson in because Kreacher was starting to worry about Master Potter, he has not woken up for forty-two hours, twenty-four minutes and thirty-eight seconds before Mistress Parkinson arrived in the Most Noble House of Black."

"Thank you Kreacher, is it okay if I stay here until Harry wakes up?" Kreacher allows Pansy to stay before he leaves the living room, mumbling nonsense to himself.

But Harry didn't wake up.

Sometime later Pansy went to check on the boy and he was barely breathing, she called for Kreacher to let Harry's wards down, so she could apparate to St. Mungo’s. The whole experience was rushed and stressful. Once someone had taken Harry into the emergency room, Pansy apparated back to her and Hermione's flat, she collapses into her girlfriend's arms, she didn't register she was crying before now.

"Pans? What happened?" Hermione asked her girlfriend. Pansy explained what happened.

"Mione, I don't think he has had any food in a really long time. he was so weak in my arms. We need to go get Dray and Ron and Blaise, then go back to St. Mungo’s." Pansy and Hermione shortly after arrived at Ron and Blaise's flat.

"Blaise! Ron! We need-Oh! Dray, you're here as well, that saves us an extra trip." Pansy says as she walks straight through the front door of her best friends flat.

"You need to learn to knock Pansy, we could have been shagging!" Ron says falsely annoyed.

Pansy knows he doesn't mind, she hasn't knocked since before Ron moved in and he knows that. Pansy is about to make a snarky remark at the ginger-haired boy, but Draco interrupted.

"Pansy have you been crying?! Oh no, who fucking died!" Pansy tried to correct him that no one had died at least she didn't think Harry was dead. "No. No. No. No! He can't be! He is Harry sodding Potter! The boy who doesn't know how to die! Is that why he hasn't been replying to any of our owls? Did he die, and we wouldn't have known because Kreacher probably ate him! Mother told me when I was six that Kreacher ate Cousin Regulus after he died because Regulus betrayed Voldemort! You said you were going to check on Harry this morning and you come back crying! He has to of died, no, no, no." Draco rants on and on and on.

"Draco Lucius Malfoy will you shut up! Harry isn't fucking dead and Kreacher did NOT eat Regulus' body! Now can you please let Pansy explain because yes, this has to do to with Harry and if you don't shut up we will go to St. Mungo’s without you." Hermione finally stopped Draco.

"Harry is in St. Mungo’s?" Draco says, barely above a whisper.

"Yeah, I don't think he has any food in almost three weeks, I got there, and I was mad at him because he made Mione cry and no one makes my Moine cry, but he was asleep and genuinely had no clue that he has been MIA in the past three Fridays, then he kind of broke down in my arms and cried- like a lot. Eventually, he fell asleep and I asked Kreacher what had happened, Kreacher said that three Fridays ago Harry had come home very late and very, very drunk, he told Kreacher to block all contact from people outside; no owls, no floo, his wards were completely blocked. then the only reason I got in was because Kreacher was worried. Kreacher explained that he had tried to give Harry food, but he wouldn't take, Kreacher also tried his best to wake Harry so he would drink water. When I went to go check on him he was barely breathing. I apparated him to St. Mungo’s as quickly as I could, and they took him away almost straight away."

"We have to go. Now." Draco said, grabbing his coat and getting ready to leave to the nearest apparition point.

"Let's hope Draco was right about him not knowing how to die," Blaise said solemnly. The four left after Draco.

****

Harry was in a coma for a week.

Draco never left St. Mungo’s.

****

When Harry woke up and the nurses finished fussing over him, a healer came in and asked him if he remembered what had happened.

Harry didn't.

The healer asked if he could access Harry's memories to see if he could find anything. Harry requested that whoever brought him into St. Mungo’s was there with him. Unless Draco brought him in. He didn't want Draco to see him like this.

****

"Miss Parkinson, I believe you were the one to bring Mister Potter in, am I correct?" Healer Henries asked the group of five worried friends.

"I was but if you have something to report about Harry we would all like to know it if that is possible." the former Slytherin asked the middle-aged healer.

"Mister Potter has asked to see you, Miss Parkinson, I can't release any details about his condition at this moment. So, if you will follow me."

"Of course."

****

"Harry!"

"Pans, how are you?" Harry asked weakly from where he lay on the hospital bed.

"Enough of this small talk bullshit Harry! You almost died!" Pansy exclaimed.

“Wouldn’t’ve been the first time.” Harry mumbled, “Anyway, they are going to go through my memories to see what happened because apparently there is more wrong with me then just starvation and dehydration and I wanted you here for moral support.”

“Ok, but why me? Why not Ron or Mione, who have been your best friends with since you were eleven? Or Draco who was until recently your closest friend?” Pansy asked.

“I have a feeling Draco set me off, and you were there last week, you know full well that I love him. Ron and Mione need a break from my shit Pans, they have been there for me every year since I was eleven and they both almost died multiple times because of me. They don’t need the burden of this crap as well, also they don’t exactly know that I like him and if my hunch is correct, it might be a bit of shock.”

“Harry, you aren’t a burden, they both love you so much and you had us all worried sick, but if you want me to be here then I will be.” Pansy tries her hardest to comfort Harry. Healer Henries comes in just that moment.

“Let’s begin, shall we?” the Healer says. “Do you, Harry James Potter consent to, I, Healer Jarred Henries to access your past memories to allow me to analyse and understand your mental and physical health, with the witness of Pansy Parkinson?”

“I consent.”

Healer Henries starts to cast the spells necessary for him to access Harry’s memories.

****HARRYS MEMORIES****

It was Friday afternoon and Harry was ready to go home, but he had the sudden need for a drink. He hadn’t gone to Friday drinks in almost three months and he was starting miss the nights where he could be care-free and loose with his closest friends. Friends he rarely sees anymore. Last-minute he decides to go to Draco’s office and ask him if he wants to go get a beer, he hadn’t talked to Draco in what felt like years and Harry didn’t know what hurt more; seeing him with Theo or not talking to him at all. As Harry approaches Draco’s office, he noticed that the door was left slightly opened and he heard the velvety voice of Theodore Nott. “Dray, I love you.” Harry didn’t stay a second longer. He couldn’t breathe. Had they gotten that far into their relationship already? Of course, they had Harry! Don’t be stupid Draco could never love you back. Harry decides to, yes get a drink, but not from the normal bar-no everyone would be there- he went to a muggle bar where no one would recognise him or bother him, so he can have time to process his thoughts by himself. Harry decided that he didn’t like the that Theo could say those words to his Draco and he couldn’t without Draco taking it platonically, why wasn’t it Harry who got to tell Draco that he loved him? Why didn’t Harry get to kiss Draco in his office? Harry got severely pissed after these thoughts. He drank and drank and drank. He got so drunk that by the end of the night the bartender had cut him off and called a muggle taxi to take him home. Harry got so drunk he didn’t remember why he started drinking in the first place. Harry didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. When he got home he ordered Kreacher to let no one contact him under any circumstances at all. No one was to owl him, floo him, enter his house at all. Over the next three weeks Harry was only awake when Kreacher tried to feed him or give him water. Or when his body woke him up from nightmares, but he quickly went back to sleep after a few lost tears. Harry also had panic attacks, a lot of them, the lack of food in his system was subconsciously sending him back to the days at the Dursleys, when they starved him and locked him that fateful cupboard under the stairs. The death he has witnessed coming full circle back to him, and Harry not knowing what to do, feeling so useless, so powerless and pathetic, let them. Harry thought it was long and treacherous weekend and he would take Monday off before getting right back to work. But no, it was three weeks. Three weeks of panic attacks, nightmares, three weeks of no food and minimum water, Harrys body had fully shut down and it was hard to tell if he could bring it back from this one.

****BACK TO PRESENT****

“Mr Potter, I would like to look further back into your memories, back to the war and before Hogwarts, because they seem to be the most recurring scenes in your panic attacks and nightmares.” Healer Henries asked trying to stay as professional as possible. Harry was resistant, he still hadn’t told even Ron and Hermione some of things that happened at the Dursleys. “Mr Potter, I understand this might be hard for you, but it is the safety of your mental health and if it is too hard for you, I can give you a potion that allows myself and Miss Parkinson to see your memories without you being conscious, so you don’t have to relive them?” the Healer asked noticing the resistance in the boys eyes.

“Uh, can I talk to Pansy for a sec?” Harry asked, adjusting his glasses. Healer Henries gives him a curt nod before exiting the room, looking over his notes.

“Pansy,” Harry takes a deep breath, this is a lot harder than he expected, “Of course I am going to let Henries look through my memories, I know that this is for the best, but what you are about to see, is shit I haven’t even told Hermione and Ron, they know bits and pieces but no one knows the full story, hell even I have blocked away a lot of the shit that happened before Hogwarts. Just,”

“Harry, if you don’t want me to be here then I can leave, or if you want Mione or Ron can come in, it is up to you,” Pansy said calmly,

“No, no, I think Ron would murder the Dursleys if he saw some stuff and Mione won’t be far from it.” Harry chuckled nervously.

“Harry, you do realise that I can do more damage than them right?” Pansy was mildly insulted that Harry thought that Hermione and Ron could do worse.

“More damage yes, but you are more reasonable, and you don’t know where the Dursleys live,” Harry replied smugly.

“Jesus Harry, what the hell did they do to you?” Right then Healer Henries came back into the room. “I don’t need the potion.”

“Alright, let’s begin.”

****HARRYS MEMORIES AGAIN****

This time it wasn’t a solid memory, it was more glimpses through a window of Harry's past. The cupboard. Locking him in there days at a time. Feeding him scraps through the flap. The insane number of chores meant for an adult done by a four-year-old. Dudley punching Harry for looking at his dinner. Vernon yelling at him because he could. The emotional and physical abuse inflicted by his family members. Petunia screaming at him. Dudley and his gang of friends beating him up in the schoolyard. The bullies at school. Getting dirty tissues, old socks for Christmas. The punishments from his accidental magic. Years of starving him. Vernon hitting him as he got older. Ten years of emotional and physical trauma developing.

****BACK TO PRESENT****

“Well Mr. Potter, it seems that due to your traumatic past, your body was able to withstand a long length of time without food, this experience did fill in some blanks and I will consult with one of my fellow Healers, but you are required to stay here under observation until I deem it respectable. I will allow Miss Parkinson to stay for tops of five minutes but after that visiting hours are over, and you are to sleep.” Healer Henries said before scurrying out of Harrys room.

“Harry...” Pansy said softly.

“Can I have sometime to myself? Please?” Harry said adverting her gaze. “just tell the others to come back tomorrow, okay? And don’t mention, anything, to anyone.”

He said before rolling over in the stiff hospital bed and pulled the cover over his head so Pansy couldn’t see the silent tear streaming down his face. Pansy hesitantly left the room to join her friends outside.

****

The second Pansy left his room she was bombarded with questions.

“How is he?”

“What happened?”

“Why did he want to talk to you?”

“Will he be ok?”

“He will be fine, I think. We went through his memories, but he didn’t want me to tell you guys, he is stable, but they are keeping him for observation, we have to go home now though. He is exhausted.” Pansy explained to the group before walking to the apparition point and leaving the depressing vibe of St Mungo’s.

****

“Mr Potter, you have been diagnosed with untreated major depression, an eating disorder and post-traumatic-disorder. From my research I would say you began developing both after the war, but you were forced back to Hogwarts and made up with past enemies and became friends with them, that distracted you but didn’t cure you, when Mr Malfoy got into a relationship it triggered all your pent-up emotions that came out in an alarmingly fast and dangerous way. Considering your extensive past with abuse, both emotional and physical, from both your muggle family members and Voldemort I am quite surprised you haven’t come here sooner. You are very strong young man Mr Potter, most yearn for that mental stability after going through even a sliver of what you have experienced. You will stay here under observation for two weeks before staying with a friend, so they can keep an eye on you, you will be prescribed multiple potions to take daily. Remember that there isn’t anything wrong with you, you just have to push past this little difficulty then everything in the world can be good again.”

Harry said nothing. Healer Henries sighed and placed four potions on his bedside table.

“Take these potions every night before bed- “

“If any of them are dreamless sleep I am not taking it.” Harry said suddenly.

“Mr Potter if you are worried about getting addicted, we are professionals and it is our job- “

“I said no. I will do whatever you say but drink deadly nightshade dreamless sleep potion.”

“As you say.” Healer Henries picks up one of the potions and writes a note on his clipboard, “I will let you go to bed now Mr Potter, and I would advise you to not talk to Mr Malfoy if that is possible, I am aware that you are close friends, and this isn’t because he is an ex-death eater, I am doing it for your own mental health and not talking to Healer Malfoy as little as possible is what needs to get you on track, I have already changed his schedule around so he wont have anything to do with your treatment. This is not a long-term thing, just until you get a little better. Goodnight Mr Potter”

****

The screams woke up almost half of the hospital. No one could calm him down. Harry was a complete mess. Breathless, sweaty, tear-stained and refusing to say a word.

****

That is how it stayed. Harry refusing to say a word. Not one word for anyone.

****

Healer Henries didn’t fire call Pansy until lunch the next day to tell her the news. “Miss Parkinson, I have called to inform you something has happened to worsen Mr Potter’s condition.” The face in the fire spoke.

What Henries didn’t know, was the fact that Pansy and Hermione had Blaise, Ron and Draco over for lunch and all four other people heard the Healer and scrambled out of their seats and ran over to the fire.

“What? How? How could his situation get any worse?”

“What happened?”

“Is he okay? Will he be okay?”

“Can you people do your sodding job and fucking fix him, I swear if you would just fucking let me help I- OW Pansy what the fuck.”

“He is doing his job Dray, now all four of you shut the fuck up and let Healer Henries talk so we know what has happened to Harry.” Pansy scolded her friends and girlfriend and turned back to the fire, “Sorry, please do continue.”

“I think it best if you come and see for yourselves.” That was all the five friends needed before they apparated to St Mungo’s.

****

“Mr Potter woke up screaming at approximately 2:46am, his screams woke up almost half of the hospital. We could calm him down and we eventually had to sedate him, but he won’t sleep or talk, to anyone, he hasn’t uttered a word since he was sedated. We were hoping that seeing familiar faces will get him to talk so we know what happened, so we can do our ‘sodding job and fix him’ as you put it Healer Malfoy.”

“Sorry about that Healer Henries,” Draco muttered.

“Uh Healer Henries, is it possible that the not talking part is a side effect of the sedation potion?” Hermione asked, her brain racing. “It’s just that Harry hasn’t been having nightmares as frequently or as severe as this for almost, what five, six years?”

“I assure you Miss Granger, that Harry has been having nightmares almost every night since he was very, very young. Yes, they were never as severe as this one seemed to be, but Harry doesn’t share as much as you thought he did and has dealt with tremendous pain- both physical and mental- in his life by himself. The sedation potion was tested before and after so no it wasn’t a side effect. Now if you would kindly follow me to Mr Potter’s new room, he had to be moved because of his screams.”

They all follow him to a secluded part of the hospital, not certain what they are going to find.

“Can one of you go in at a time, just so he doesn’t get overwhelmed.” Nods all around. “Miss Parkinson, you were the last to talk to him, so I would advise you go first, then Mr Weasley, followed by Miss Granger and Mr Zabini and finally healer Malfoy.”

“Why am I last? Harry and I were closest.” Draco protested.

“Dray, when was the last time you actually talked to Harry?” Blaise said calmly, not wanting to annoy Draco to much, knowing what he knows.

“I- uh- shut up,” Draco mumbled something under his breath but admitted defeat and went to the back-corner glaring at Healer Henries. Pansy went into Harry’s room and the others waited.

*****

“Hey.” Pansy started warily. No reply. Harry just looked at her blankly, the bags under his eyes seemed darker than yesterday afternoon.

“Har, nod if you can hear me?” yes or no questions could help maybe. Harry rolled his eyes but nodded.

“Nod, if I can I ask you yes or no questions. You don’t have answer them all I just want to help.” Harry nodded.

“Are you choosing not to talk? Or can you physically not talk?” Harry gave her a pointed look. “Shit, right. Do the first question, are you choosing not to talk?” Harry nodded again.

“Was it something in the nightmare?” Hesitantly, Harry nodded again.

“Do you know if and when you will talk again?” Harry just shrugged, not 100% when he plans on talking again.

“Can we help?” Harry shrugged again.

Pansy sighed and continued asking him simple yes or no questions, she seemed to be getting somewhere, when abruptly the door to Harrys room was blown open and Draco stumbled in, followed quickly by the rest of the gang and Healer Henries, all looking completely flushed. 

There was complete silence for a second.

Then utter chaos

. First it was fine, Hermione, who still hadn’t seen Harry awake in over a month, let out a whimper. Ron turned to his boyfriend and hid his face in Blaise’s chest to muffle his sobs. Harry sat there with extremely wide eyes, in shock.

“Harry…” Draco said, barely above a whisper.

That’s when all hell broke loose. Harry screamed, like really screamed. Loudly, ear-piercing even. He screamed and shouted and cried. Tears pouring down his face. No one could stop him no matter what they tried.

“DRACO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE NOW!!!” Pansy yelled over Harry’s screams. She was rushing over to him, trying to calm him down with the help of Hermione. Healer Henries had already left to get the sedation potion from the main part of the ward. Draco was flabbergasted, his eyes beginning to water, had he really been the cause of this? Why did Harry react so badly when he saw him? He stood there watching the scene in front of him unfold. “FOR FUCKS SAKE DRACO NOW! YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE BY BEING HERE!” That was all he needed before he bolted out of the room and to the apparation point and left the hospital. Back in Harry’s room, it hasn’t gotten much better. All four of them tried to get Harry to stop, but nothing seemed to be working. “OH, FOR SALAZAR'S SAKE! SHUT THE HELL UP POTTER!” Pansy screamed back at Harry and to everyone’s surprise, Harry did indeed shut the hell up.

“Right, didn’t think that would work. Everyone should just leave and let Harry rest a bit.” Everyone left, confused and uncertain and how severe Harry’s condition really is.

Pansy turned to Harry as she was leaving the room, “They broke up, Draco and Theo, right after you heard them. Draco didn’t love him and didn’t want to lead him on.” Harry looked as though he was going to reply but he just sat their opened mouth, a few stray tears still making their way out of his tired eyes.

****

Draco didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want to leave Harry, but in there, in his hospital room, dark bags under his eyes, Harry didn’t want him there, he was fine with Pansy of all people, but not him. It wasn’t fair, he loved him since he was eleven fucking years old and after the war, in eighth year when they became friends, Draco had never been happier. They told each other pretty much everything, they comforted each other after nightmares, they were best friends for almost five years, but then something happened. Draco wasn’t exactly sure what did happen, but Harry stopped coming to Friday drinks, he stopped sending the Ministry paper planes asking for lunch to the Ministry Infirmary where Draco worked, Draco hadn’t been invited to Grimmauld Place in almost six months and Draco hated it. He hated not being able to talk to his Harry every day, telling him all his secrets, flooing him at midnight after a nightmare, so when Healer Henries told him he had to go last to see Harry, Draco was livid, absolutely livid. Pansy was talking to him and no one knew what she was saying or if he was speaking to him back, Draco got antsy, he needed to know if he was okay.

“I’m going in.” he had said.

“Healer Malfoy, I would advise you to step away from that door or there will be consequences.” The middle-aged Healer had all but threatened Draco.

“He is my best friend, I should have the right to talk to him if I want to.”

“As your superior, I demand you step away from Mr Potters room.”

“Like hell, you are my superior Henries if you weren’t aware I am head healer at the Ministry Infirmary and last I checked you were just another Healer at St Mungo's. I have probably treated Harry more than you can count.”

“Healer Malfoy, we are not at the ministry and if you want to question my ability to do my job go ahead, but Mr Potter is my patient this time, not yours and if I think it best that you leave him alone, then that is my call.”

“Draco,” Hermione had tried to interject.

“No! I want to see Harry! This is utter bullshit! I’m going in and none of you can fucking stop me!” Draco was met with a chorus of no!’s but went to open the door.

It was locked, Draco tried Alohomora, but it didn’t work. He rolled his eyes and Bombarda’ed the door.

Draco had zero intension to hurt Harry, he didn’t even realise he had. He just wanted to see him, hold him, tell everything will be okay.

Draco soon found himself standing outside of the home of Luna Lovegood, stupid subconscious mind knowing exactly what he needed. Luna and Draco became close friends when that toad Voldemort captured her and held her hostage in his basement. Luna was the first non-Slytherin who Draco told about his crush on Harry, of course he did exactly tell Pansy and Blaise, they guessed and weaselled it out of him. Luna in return told him about how once she got out she was going to pursue she Weasel. Draco didn’t think either of them were going to live through the war but they did and so they continued their friendship, Draco helping Luna pursue Ginevra and Luna desperately trying to get Draco to fess up about his feelings for Harry.

“Draco? Is that you? Oh my, have you been crying?” Luna asks ushering him into her home.

“Ginny honey, Draco has just popped in for a chat, we will be in the sunroom if you need us.” Luna took Draco into the sunroom and summoned some tea. “right, now what happened.”

“He doesn’t love me!” Draco cried out. “He hates me!”

“Draco, I don’t think he does,” Luna replied softly.

“Luna you weren’t there. The second he saw me he screamed bloody murder, he hates me I swear. I don’t understand what I did wrong. He just stopped talking to me and I don’t know why.” Draco wept, falling into Luna’s arms. Luna knew the best thing to do was just let him cry for a bit, going through heartbreak was a tough thing to go through. She also knew that Harry did love Draco back, but she knew it was almost impossible to get Draco to listen to her.

****

“Luna babe- oh Draco is still here! I thought you would have left by now, it has almost been three hours. Do you want me to fire call Pansy?”

“That would be lovely dear,” Luna beamed, Draco asleep on her lap,

“Can you ask her how Harry is going after the thing that happened, please?”

“What thing that Happened?” Ginny asked.

“Pansy will understand, don’t worry.”

****

“Hey Luna,” Pansy smiled as she entered Luna and Ginny’s sunroom, “thanks for looking after Draco, we were getting worried, he seemed really guttered when he left, felt kinda bad not going to lie. Harry is stable. I have to go back tomorrow by myself because I was getting more of a reaction out of him than anyone else.”

“Not a problem at all Pansy dear, take care of him. And for the love of Merlin get the two of them to admit to each other that they love the other. Draco thinks Harry’s the dense one.”

“I know what you mean, anyway I should be getting him back to his flat, thanks again Luna.” Pansy smiled one last goodbye before grabbing a still sleeping Draco and apparating to Draco’s inner-city flat.

****

It took Pansy five visits to finally get Harry to talk. She walked into his still isolated room, coffee in hand, just like the past five days.

“Morning Pansy.” Pansy was taken back, did Harry just greet him.

“So, you are talking now? Or did I imagine that?” Pansy asked sitting down in the old uncomfortable hospital chair.

“I said morning because that is the time of day,” Harry replied as if he hadn’t not been talking for six days. Pansy could slap him.

“Are you fucking kidding me Harry?! You haven’t said a word since Friday! I am so mad I could slap you! Do you know how worried we have all been?! Draco hasn’t left his house since Saturday! Hermione has thrown herself into work, she barely leaves the office. Kingsley had to suspend Ron because he was trying to take cases way out of his league that could have gotten him seriously injured himself, Blaise is beside himself! What the fuck happened to you?! What could have possibly happened in that nightmare that sent you into a state of absolute silence for almost a whole week?!” Pansy exploded. She was so upset that her friend was so far gone into his mind, she didn’t know how to handle her emotions, so she got mad at him, really mad. “You have something really wrong with your head Harry, and I have been trying so hard to help you but you keep fucking yourself over and burying all your problems inside and shutting us out. We are just here to help you but you are too damn stubborn to see that and you are behaving like a real asshole. I get you have hundreds of problems and a very traumatic childhood but burying your feelings and shutting us out-especially Draco! Isn’t the best idea you have had. We all love you so much and you’re making this so hard for us!”

“Pans…” Harry murmured under his breath. “I never meant to hurt you guys, it was just the dream it was so vivid, it had a similar vibe to it than the Voldemort dreams, I was scared. I didn’t want anyone, especially not Draco to get hurt because of me. I now realise that I have a lot wrong with me and shutting myself away from everyone that is trying to help me won’t do anything in my favour, it is your choice if you help me or not.”

“Harry, we will always, always be there for you. Can you tell me what happened in your dream? Of course you don’t have to, but I think it will help if you do.” Pansy asked, calming down a bit since her mini monologue.

“Ok,” Harry starters warily. “I refused to take the dreamless sleep potion, one because it never worked for me before and two I know that I am prone to addiction and even if they monitored my use I would find a way to get more, abuse my power and spiral again. After Henries left I fell asleep quite quick to my surprise, but it wasn’t the best sleep per say. It started off fine, I was watching myself leave this wretched hospital and going to Draco’s flat. We talked, I don’t remember what we said word for word, but basically it was us confessing our feelings for each other and we started dating? I think, don’t really remember the details, but I was watching me and Draco talk, it was weird but I’m used it. There was something off about the whole picture, I didn’t look quite right. The dream kind of faded into a new setting, it was us telling you guys that we were together, then it was kind of just snapshots of what could’ve been our life together and it looked happy. Then it stopped at this one point, it was the first time he said I love you and then that’s where it went wrong, the scene morphed into something out of horror movie mixed with the forbidden forest, my aunt and uncles house, and the graveyard where Cedric died all at once, it was freaky and weird and left me feeling unsettled. And then some sort of force grabbed Draco and began torturing him, like really torturing him. Then came the voices. Dudley reminding me that I was unloveable, Uncle Vernon doing the same. All the while Draco is screaming bloody murder, and I can't do anything about it, I can't help him no matter how hard I try. Then memories flashed, my mum saying she loved me then immediately getting killed by Voldemort, same with my dad, Sirius and pretty much everyone who has ever said that they love me, they died. Loving me is a curse. Then everything fades away and Draco falls to into my arms and slowly dies and there is nothing I can do. The scene morphs again, I am trapped behind a glass wall, while dream me is going around and killing everyone, I didn’t see anything else because the healers woke me up.” Harry let out in one long breath. “I was in shock for almost a day, that’s why I didn’t talk but when Draco came in I freaked out, the memories of him getting tortured came back to me. That I was the one who made that happen to me. I thought it would be better if I didn’t talk. Then no one can love me and no one will get hurt.”

“Harry,” Pansy started. “No, you are so so so loved, by everyone. You are not a curse. Hermione and Ron are still here and they have loved you since first year. Please don’t ever think you are the problem. It was all Voldemort. He killed your parents and he is the reason that everyone else is dead. Him not you.”

“You don’t get it Pansy! Voldemort was apart of me. I was apart of him. We were linked. So maybe it was me killing them. No one will ever know because no human has ever been a fucking Horcrux! But guess what?! I have! Because I am the saviour who is so great and has PTSD, depression and an eating disorder! I am the golden boy who never asked for any of it. I am the chosen one who almost died like ten times! The boy who lived that wants to fucking die! I am damaged but people are fucking idiots and think that they can fix me and love me but they just die in the end. I am curse Pansy and it would be better if you leave me to rot alone in this fucking prison of a hospital.” Pansy once again was gobsmacked. She didn’t know what to do. She wanted to help her friend she wanted be there for him, but she didn’t know-how.

“Har…”

“No. No get out. I don’t want you here anymore. Get out.” Harry didn’t really want Pansy to leave. Harry wanted her to stay and comfort him, but he also didn’t want her to die because of him.

“Fine, only because I want what best for you and right now that is me getting Henries and getting you better. I love you Harry, Hermione loves you, Ron loves you, Blaise loves you, Draco wants to fucking marry you. We all love you and we are all still here.” Pansy said right before leaving.

****

“He talked. He told me what the dream was about.” Pansy said to Healer Henries. “He isn’t getting better.”

“What was the dream about?”

“He is scarred. He thinks that if people love him they will die, which is completely understandable, considering his past. As a child he was never shown affection or love and once people came into his life and showed him that he is worthy of love, they left almost as quickly as they came, by dying in front of him. He and Sirius only had less than three years together before he was killed. He never knew Lily or James because they died when he was sixteen months old. He is scarred and scared and it is really affecting his mental health. I have tried really hard to help him by being there for him, but again he is scared, he doesn’t want people to get to close to him so they don’t get hurt. It isn’t healthy for him, and if I have to get money out of my vault I will. I need Harry to get better, fast. For years Harry was trapped inside himself, he was never taught love, yet he is the most caring person I know. He was never taught that being gay or bisexual was okay and he oppressed his thoughts and told himself that he liked girls, that does damage to people. And know that the only reason your hospital isn’t swarmed by the Prophet is because I told them that Harry Potter, the most famous wizard of our age, is holidaying in Thailand and not in a closed-off in the back of St Mungos struggling with depression, PTSD and a fucking eating disorder. I really need him to get better and that is your job, so do it.” Pansy stormed away from Healer Henries, she knew she should of stayed and talked about Harry’s condition more but she was overcome with anger and she knew exactly what to do.

****

“Pansy go away!”

“How about no you hopeless piece of crap!”

“That’s no way to talk to someone suffering severe heartbreak!”

“Oh get over yourself gayco! If you would fucking let me in I can help you un-break your heart!”

“Just for calling me gayco I am not letting you in!”

“Holy crap you are a drama queen! I am coming in!”

“You can’t! I have wards up- PANSY HOW DID YOU GET THROUGH MY WARDS THE FUCK!?”

“Hello to you too Draco, your wards are weak as fuck no offence. You aren’t the best at complicated magic when you are sad.”

“Fine! What do you want?!”

“For you to stop wallowing in self pity and help Harry! He far from hates you and if you got your head out of your ass you would realise that you both are completely head over heels for each other! I am so sick and tired of you two beating around the bush! He realised he liked you in the fourth year, and then because he was brought up by a bunch of absolute assholes he never knew that being gay was okay, so Harry buried his feelings for you, that and of course, he thought you hated him! Then when you finally came out-not that anyone other than Harry was surprised- he thought he had a chance. Then he walked in on you and Nott! Years of manifesting this crush on you, before getting to actually know you, then becoming your best friend, that shit hurt. So when you confirmed that you and Nott were together, Harry slowly began to lose it, he started retracting himself from the group, barely talking to any of us for more than an hour. Then he stopped going to Friday Drinks and stopped talking to you altogether. Ron and Hermione still talked to him every couple of days, they noticed something was off but they left it be because they know that Harry is to god damn stubborn to admit that he was spiralling again. Then almost two months ago, on a Friday night, Harry gave in to his desire and went to find you to have a drink and talk, but of course he is Harry Potter and we both know –now- that nothing goes to plan. He heard Theo announce his love for you. He freaked. He went to a muggle bar and we both know that Harry and muggle alcohol don’t mix well, especially after something bad happens and there isn’t anyone to stop him besides a bartender who wants tips. Then he got caught in a depressive state that made him not leave his room for three weeks and not realise it. Now he is in a loony bin basically, because he is depressed, has multiple signs of PTD, and an eating disorder. All because the perfect little Potter you grew up tormenting, isn’t perfect in anyway shape or form! And you liking him before time itself but being way too pussy to admit to anyone but me, Blaise and Luna! You both are pathetic and it almost drove Harry to subconsciously kill himself! So now, get up off your ass and go to the fucking hospital and get your man!” Pansy scream-ranted for the third time that morning and hopefully the last.

“So you’re, telling me, that I am the reason Harry is in Mungos?”

“For Merlin’s sake! Ignore that part and go to him!”

****

Draco took Pansy’s speech very seriously, after the brief moment of guilt, and quickly had a shower and apparated straight to St Mungos. He held his heart in his hand and was prepared for the worst.

“Harry,” Draco said softly as he knocked on the door. “Before you say anything or scream out, can you just please let me say something?”

“Go ahead Dray,” Draco wasn’t prepared for how good it felt to finally hear his voice after months. He never really comprehended how much he missed Harry. How much he missed talking to him, laughing with him, venting, sharing secrets.

“Uh, okay, here goes nothing. When I was eight years old, my father started to ‘teach’ me about blood purity, Voldemort, the war and well you. I was raised to believe that Muggleborn‘s were this foul creation and shouldn’t exist, I was raised to know that what Voldemort wanted for our world was what should happen, I was raised to hate you, to when I got to Hogwarts to bully you to hurt you, because you were the reason that the Dark Lord fell, and because little eleven year old Draco wanted nothing more to please dear old daddy, I believe him and I wanted you to fall like my father did. But,” Draco stops himself, is he really going to admit over a decades worth of feelings? He takes a deep breath and kept talking. “But, when I got to Hogwarts, I wasn’t prepared for what awaited me there. The first time I actually met you, in Diagon Alley, I was caught of guard, I didn’t know who you were but I did know that you were breathtaking, eleven year old me coming to the realisation the I was gay, if my father ever found out I wouldn’t have lived to know your name. I don’t even remember what I said to you probably some house bullshit. So basically I am in that shop getting my robes fitted realising that fuck I am gay. Then when I found out that it was you, Harry Potter, I was fucked. I didn’t know what to do so I did what I was taught to, bully you, hurt you, and I hated every word that came out of my mouth, I hated how I treated you and Ron and Hermione, I was a right git and I knew you hated me and that made it a thousand times worse. But I couldn’t shake my feelings for you, I loved the way you laughed with your friends and how all you wanted was to be left alone and how you didn’t ask for the attention. I loved how brave you were, I loved how sassy you were, I loved following you and making sure you were okay, I hated when you were in the hospital wing and I hated it when you were in the Triwizard because you just wanted a quiet year. All you wanted was a simple life but even though you didn’t ask for the life you were given you still let it happen, you still fought for people you didn’t know. You were brave and kind and so so selfless, you were everything I wanted to be. I hated when you came back from summer too skinny. I hated at the end of first year when you were scared to leave even though you almost died. I hated when you told me about those fucking muggles you lived with. I hated the fact that no one left you alone after the war, you just lost so many people and all people were worried about was what it was like to be the saviour. I was so mad at myself for so long because I wasn’t there to help you and be your friend, I wanted too, boy did I want too. And I am so so sorry I was such a fucking ass. I only regret two things, and that’s being a wanker towards you when we were young and join the death eaters. I tried to suppress the gay, tried dating Pansy, but that turned out shit because we both realised that no matter how much we tried we were both so gay that it was terrible. I don’t know why I waited so long to come out, I think it’s mainly because I was scared that people will judge me more, even though you forgave me Harry, there are still a lot of people who see me as scum. I never wanted to join the dark side but I had no choice and I had no choice but to bully you. I hated that. All I wanted to do was kiss your stupid face and love and care for you. When I came out, Theo approached me and told me that he had liked me since sixth year and I gave in, I thought I had zero chance with you so I agreed to date Theo. Much to everyone’s beliefs, we didn’t have a very stable relationship, all the seven months we were together, we’d be on and off, I wasn’t really invested in the relationship especially since you had randomly stopped talking to me. I wasn’t in very a good place when you stopped talking to me, then you were put in here and I swear that first week when you were in a coma I didn’t leave the hospital. But when Theo told me he loved me, I couldn’t keep leading him on like that, so I told him that I didn’t feel the same way and we left it at that. I have no clue were this speech is going, but I am saying I have had a crush on you since I was an eleven year scared boy and I am actually really fucking socially awkward so I expressed those feelings by hurting you. And even though we have been friends for four years and I have already apologised for being an ass I am really fucking sorry and I don’t know how to deal with feelings. But I have really missed you these last nine months and I want to be best friends again. Wait no. I want to be boyfriends but if that doesn’t work for you then I am totally cool with that and I can quickly obliviate you and leave.” Draco finishes his confession in a nervous rush and starts to fiddle with his fingers, not looking Harry in the eyes.

Harry on the other hand, was about to explode. Had Draco really loved him since that first time in Madam Malkin’s? Harry remembers when he first realised he liked Draco, at the Quidditch World Cup, even though he was being a right git, Harry still couldn’t figure out why for the past three years all Harry could think of was Draco and while the Veela’s were doing Veela things Harry was still thinking of Draco. That night after the Death Eaters raided the Grounds, Harry thought it through and realised it was really possible that he could like like Draco and that scared him so he hid his feelings and tried to ignore them but they kept growing and now, here they are nine years later.

“1994, Quidditch World Cup,” Harry says, breaking the silence.

“What?” Draco asks, finally looking up from the floor.

“That’s when I realised I liked you, that was just the realisation though, who knows how long I’ve actually liked you.”

“But-but you have only dated girls?”

“Cho was an absolute disaster, Ginny and I realised we love each other as siblings, I mean I had a good handful of flings since the war but I have never had a full-on relationship with anyone, because was never with the right person. I never dated a guy because I was scared, even after Ron and Mione came out. I grew up in a very abusive household and I was scared. I was already different in every other way, why not through another reason to hate myself into the mix? Draco I know what I want and I was just to scared to go get it. How very un-Gryffindor of me, hey? So if you will stop being a nervous wreck and come over here and give me a kiss I may just have to call Healer Henries to come and kick you out. Cause you know your not actually allowed to see me.” Harry said. “Because you know, you are kind of the reason I am in here in the first place, well Theo is.”

“I am really sorry about that.” Harry just replied by kissing him.

****

Two hours later Healer Henries walks into Harry’s room to find the two men on Harry’s bed whispering and giggling, Harry looks genuinely happy for the first time in months.

****

Over the next few weeks, Harry started to get better, slowly but surely. His nightmares were less intense and he ate food and talked to his friends and him and Draco started to form a relationship. Harry has been in St Mungos for a month when he was sitting on his bed and playing wizard chess with Ron when Healer Henries came in. “Mr Potter, here are your discharge papers, have Ms Parkinson fill them out because she a) brought you in and b) put herself as your guardian- even though she is younger than you. I don’t know, that girl is crazy. Just take it easy and I will owl you your follow up appointment date.”

“Mate! You get to go home! This is bloody brilliant! You are probably so sick of this place. Blaise was ready to storm Henries office, no one should have to stay in here for this long. Feel bad for everyone who have permanent residence here.” Ron says excitedly.

“I don’t know Ron, I will kinda miss it here.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me. Mate you’ve gone loopy. We need to get you out of here. I will owl Pansy now.”

“But we are play chess!”

“King to b3, there checkmate I win! I am owling Pansy and there is nothing you can do about!” Ron says before running out of Harry’s room and to the hospital’s owlery.

Harry sighs and rolls his eyes. Guess it’s time to pack then.

****

Pansy didn’t even bother with a reply, she apperated as soon as she got the messy note from Ron, she also brought along Hermione, Blaise and of course Draco. “Tell me again, why you all are here? Pansy would have been enough. You just need to sign some forms and then I can leave, no big deal.” Harry asked only a hint of annoyance lingering his tone.

“Well Harry, you continually refused to have a welcome back party even though your best friend and your boyfriend could be professional party planners if they wanted to,” Pansy said while dipping her quill in ink.

“Ron can’t plan a party for shit.”

“I cannot plan a party for shit.” Ron and Harry exclaim in unison.

“Uh offended, I was obviously talking about myself.” Pansy scoffs. Blaise sniggers and wraps his arms around Ron.

“Don’t worry Pans, you will have plenty to plan,  ” Blaise smirks.

“No! You didn’t! You bastard, you didn’t!” Pansy squeals, almost knocking over the inkwell.

“I did!” Blaise laughs. “Is anyone else confused?” Harry asks.

“Blaise proposed last night. We were going to wait to tell everyone but-” Ron says looking up at Blaise.

“I am sorry, but I can’t help myself I love you too much.”

“Blaise you could have come to me about this!” Pansy shrieks.

“I picked out the ring, by the way, Ron.” Draco perks up.

“Draco, don’t wind her up,” Hermione mutters.

“Wha- what Blaise!”

“Pansy!” Blaise mocked.

“Pans, babe, Blaise said before you can plan the wedding and the engagement party. Draco only got to pick out a simple band because the ring still has the Zabini family crest on it. So Draco barely did anything.” Hermione says comforting her girlfriend who seemed to soften after that, but not before flipping off Draco who just rolled his eyes in return.

“Well, since as no one has actually said it yet, congratulations guys, I am really happy for the both of you and I am glad that Ron chose you, Blaise,” Harry said smiling at his friends. “Still don’t know how I could have missed the ring this morning, we were playing chess all morning!”

Ron, Draco and Hermione share a look and all burst out laughing.

“What?” Harry asks confused.

“Well Harry, as you can clearly see my fiancé, your boyfriend and Pansy’s girlfriend are hysterically laughing at the fact that you, Harry Potter, are probably the most oblivious, dense human being in the world, Wizarding or muggle.” Blaise chuckles.

“Wot? Am not!” Harry protests. He isn’t that dense, is he?

“Darling, yes you are.” Draco is finding this funnier then he should.

“Give me one example!”

“We can give you one example each!”

“Fine! Go!”

“I will go first!” Ron says over excitedly, “Cho Chang, fifth year, she told you that Hogsmeade weekend and you had no clue that she was asking you out! Mind you that was funny to watch.”

“Imma wot? No, I am just Harry.” Hermione giggled, imitating Harry.

“Tom Riddle in the Chamber of Secrets! You thought he was there to help you, even though it was pretty obvious that he was the bad guy!” Blaise interjected.

“You thought Dumbledore was going to let people die in the Second Task,” Pansy added.

“Ok, ok I get it,” Harry says in defeat.

“Uh, I haven’t said mine yet,” Draco whined from next to Harry.

“Not you too! You are meant to be on my side now!” Harry smacks his arm.

Draco laughs before saying, “you didn’t realise that I loved you.” “

\That doesn’t count Dray, you weren’t exactly obvious about your little crush on Harry.” Hermione points out.

“To you guys maybe, but he would not shut about him in the Slytherin dorm rooms after dark. I swear it was so annoying. Hexed him a couple of time cause of it.” Blaise shoots a playful glare over to Draco.

“I thought you said that you all had singular dorm rooms?” Ron asks his fiancé.

“Oh we did, Draco would come into our rooms and go on and on about Harry. It was so annoying. Oh, Blaise! You will never guess what Potter did today! He had the audacity to ignore me! It takes two to tango and him not fighting back is booorrriiiinnnnggg! Do you think he hates me? Stupid Potter with his stupid pretty eyes. Oh, Blaise, did you hear? Potter got himself in the hospital wing again. The way he is going he is going to kill himself before Voldyworts has the chance to. Oh, Blaise-”

“Ok, that’s enough Zabini!” Draco interrupts. “Anywayyyy, Pans have you finished signing the papers yet? We should probably go now, Harry probably wants to get back home and stuff.”

“Oh, Harry can’t go back to Grimmauld. It says here that he has to stay with a friend and or relative and cannot go to work for another two weeks. Someone has to make sure he eats and takes his potions.” Pansy says as she quickly signs the last bit.

“Harry, it’s been a hot minute since you’ve been to my flat, want to stay with me?” Draco asks his new boyfriend.

“What? Oh yeah for sure.” Harry’s says, pushing a smile onto his face.

**** THIS IS WERE THE ALTERNATE ENDING BEGINS READ ONE OR BOTH I DON’T MIND**** 

Harry was fine, that’s what Pansy said to Draco the day before he went back to work for the first time since Harry got out of the hospital. The sad thing is that Draco believed her. Draco was sure that Harry would be ok with one day by himself, Harry told him to go to work and he would be ok. Draco was still paranoid, he took all sharp objects, pills, alcohol, anything that could possibly hurt Harry to work with him. Draco was positive that Harry would be fine, but boy was he wrong.

**** TRIGGER WARNING (maybe idk how good my writing is)****

My dearest Draco,

I am so sorry for ending us like this. But I couldn’t deal with it anymore, all the pressure of everything. I hope one day you can forgive me and move on with your life, I couldn’t move on with my life and well here you are, reading my suicide note. I know you were hesitant to leave me this morning and that makes me feel even more guilty about doing this, but Dray I had to. Hopefully, you don’t understand what I mean, I wouldn’t wish what I feel right now, as I am writing this, upon my worst enemy. There is so much I want to say to you, but I will keep it short. I have loved you since the fourth year, and I never stopped even now, my cold dead heart still beats for you. I am sorry we didn’t have more time together, three weeks wouldn’t have been enough time anywhere in the universe, but I feared that if we spent longer together I would be the one left crying over a body (at least I hope your crying, if not that be a bit awkward). I never meant to fall in love with you so quick, yes I did love you since the fourth year, but over the last three weeks, I have completely, undoubtedly fallen in love with you Draco Lucius Malfoy. I know now is probably a shit time to tell you but I would much rather that I died instead of you dying because the curse put on me. Everyone who has ever loved me has died. My parents, Sirius, Remus, everyone. They died because of me and I do not want under any circumstance for you to die because of me, so Draco, live. Please live for me. Live in my name. Love. I want you to move on, love some other man (preferably someone who we didn’t go to school with because they don’t deserve you.) and don’t just love someone new, love yourself, take care of you. Love Pansy and Blaise and for the love of god take care of Ron. Make sure he doesn’t do something stupid. Make sure he makes it to his wedding. Hermione too, make sure she and Pansy have stunning smart baby’s. Draco, I want you to move on from me and make sure everyone else does too. I wasn’t as significant as everyone thought. I would have been dead if it weren’t for so many people who died instead. Don’t be one of those people who died for me, live for me, please.

Sincerely,

The boy who finally died.

P.S. you aren’t the reason this happened and no matter what you could’ve done, it would always end like this. I made the choice ages ago. I love you ferret face x

****

Pans, I wanted to say thank you. You were there for me when I fell the first time and even though I made the choice to end it here now, I am grateful that you got me to St Mungo's those months ago, because if I didn’t survive that, I wouldn’t of have those short marvellous three weeks with Draco, thank you for that. Thank you for everything you did for me at the hospital. And most of all thank you for looking after Mione, thank you for being the one she loves and if you don’t put a ring on her finger soon I will come back as a ghost and haunt your gay ass. Please look after Dray and make sure he doesn’t blame this on himself because it wasn’t his fault and there is nothing he could’ve done. Look after Mione too, she needs you and you need her. Thank you for being the bad bitch you are, I’ll love you forever.

Six feet under,

Har x

****

Ron & Mione,

I know what your thinking (I actually don’t but let’s just pretend you are thinking about yourselves instead of me for a sec), why did Harry give us a joint letter?! Don’t we mean the most to him?! Well you guys mean more than anything to me and I can barely write this one letter, let alone two. You both have been there for me since the start, the number of times I thought you would leave me and stop wanting to be my friend because of the shit I put you through. Both of you have done so much for me and I am so so grateful for the both of you. Mione, there hasn’t been a day that went by when I didn’t regret saving you from that troll and being friends with you. Ron, you are my best mate and I am only sorry that I couldn’t see the day you got married to Blaise. Please do get married to him, don’t cancel because of silly old me. Get married, have beautiful babies, be happy, you don’t need me to be happy, either of you. I am sorry I was such a shit friend over the last couple of months, well now you know why. You both mean so much to me and I just want you to be happy and I am sorry that I can't be there to do that. And honestly even though our greatest adventures were to save everyone’s asses even the majority of the time we were underage, they are some of my favourite memories, including but not limited too; breaking into the ministry, figuring Voldemort’s plan every year, kicking ass together, Christmas’s at Hogwarts, end of summers at the Weasleys, every time we were together, everything was better. So thank you again. I love you both so much, live for me please, that’s all I ask, live a safe and simple life for me.

Harry J Potter.

****

Blaise,

You are probably one of the strongest people I know, so that is why I am putting the responsibility on you to look after Dray, Pans, RONand Mione. I need you to make sure that they are safe and healthy and that they move on, I am in a better place now and you need to make sure that they know that. Do not under any circumstances cancel your wedding, marry my best mate and make him happy. During the eighth year when we first became friends it was probably you that I was most hesitant about being friends with, not because of you being Slytherin but because I knew basically nothing about you, but now five years later I am thrilled that it is you who is one of my best friends and is marrying my best friend. I love you mate, thank you. Take care of our friends and yourself, please.

Harry.