Chapter 3
”What do you want for the entree?”
Moiraine doesn’t lift her eyes up from the document she is reading. “Anything,” she says, distractedly. “I don’t mind.”
“I want something… Fish.”
Moiraine’s smile is small, but it is warm, and Siuan feels the warmth spread in her chest as easily as falling off a ship in a storm. “Of course you do. Would white fish satisfy, my love? Will your father also judge me for my taste in fish?”
“I never judged you!” Siuan protests. “I simply think there are more tasty fishes in the sea.”
Moiraine smiles at her, setting down her paper to come sit next to Siuan on the couch. Siuan looks up at her expectantly, and Moiraine leans down to press a light kiss on Siuan’s lips. “I will eat any fish you want to feed me.”
“Why, I would only give Lady Damodred the best possible catch.” Siuan mumbles against Moiraine’s lips, pulling her down by her shoulders so that Moiraine is straddling her.
She can feel Moiraine’s smile against her lips when she leans in to press another kiss, this one more lingering than the innocent one before, on Moiraine’s lips. “Really?” Moiraine murmurs.
“White fish it is, then, my heart,” Siuan declares, wrapping both arms possessively around Moiraine’s waist. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to ravish the catch I’m holding in my arms.”
Moiraine’s laugh is a balm to Siuan’s soul. “I think that can be arranged.”
“Siuan?” Alric knocks on her office door, letting himself in. “You had something you wanted to change about the dinner party at the event next month?”
Siuan shakes her head, lightly, and clears her throat as if that would clear her mind of the memory. “Yes, sorry. I wanted to change the main menu item. I think there are a few pescatarians coming to the event?”
Alric checks the clipboard he holds and nods. “Yeah, a few. Do you want to change the meal options from steak to fish?”
“That would be amazing.”
“Why am I not surprised?” Alric grins at her. “What sort of fish?”
Siuan looks out her window at the city of Tar Valon, somehow looming from underneath her. “White fish.” She says, finally. “I think white fish, for our guests who haven’t been back in some time.”
Alric looks at her for a moment. She wonders if he remembers the banquet like she does, if he knows what she is trying to do with this event, but in the end he just nods and makes a note. “Cool. Anything else?”
“I don’t think so.” Siuan opens her laptop again, and gives Alric a grateful smile. “Thanks, Alric, you’re a lifesaver.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Alric gives her a small smile. “Let me know if you want me to make any adjustments to your schedule in the upcoming weeks. I know there’s a lot of planning still to be done.” He gives her a look. “You better have been sleeping.”
“Thank you.” Siuan says, grateful for Alric’s steady presence. “And I have been! Promise.” She can’t even begin to think about the next few weeks and the event. It doesn’t quite feel real. Alric gives her a nod and then leaves the office, leaving Siuan to stare at the blank document she opened. The list of guests had been finalized, but in a last ditch effort she had added Moiraine and Lan’s names to it. She wonders now if that was too much, if her fragile pride can take Moiraine refusing another invitation. It is battered now, that pride of hers that used to stand so tall and strong.
She sighs, and opens a budget form. She wonders now if she had ever had any pride when it comes to Moiraine to begin with.
When Moiraine RSVP’s yes for both herself and Lan, Siuan wonders for a moment if that means that Moiraine has forgotten about her. She tries to banish the thought from her head, but it plagues during the day and invades her dreams at night. She sees Moiraine with an Aiel lover, sees Moiraine with a Cairhien lover, sees Moiraine with everyone except the fisherman’s daughter who clawed her way out of Tear.
“Stop brooding,” Alric tells her, his words slurring a little.
She lets herself fall a little more onto the table. “I can’t help it,” she moans, “what if she’s moved on?”
“Light, it’s been seven years, Siuan! I would hope she has. I hope you have, too!”
“I can’t,” she moans into the shot glass. “How can I?” She turns to him, her eyes bleary. She doesn’t remember how many shots she’s had so far. “Did I ever tell you about the day we met?”
Alric is as irritated as he can be in this state, half slung over a bar stool and so drunk he doesn’t seem able to stand up on his own. “Yes, yes, about how you were admitted into the university together and you had to do the military training together and blah, blah, blah.”
“I thought she would crack like a spindle-shell within days, did I tell you that?” Siuan slurs, her tears sudden and hot, streaking down her face. “But she didn’t. Sometimes-” She hiccups. “Sometimes I wish she did. Then I wouldn’t have to be here, wasting away in drink.”
“You would still be here,” Alric nudges, or tries to nudge, her. “Because I would be here, and I would have to drag you away from your precious office every once in a while to make sure you don’t actually drown in politics.”
“And I love you for that,” Siuan manages around her tears. “But I wish-”
Alric never gets to hear the rest of the sentence, because then she falls off of her chair and ends up on the ground, a puddle. Somehow– she can’t imagine this because her ego is bruised enough after that night– she ends up back in bed. She wakes the next morning to the sound of Alric snoring louder than a whale, the grimy taste of alcohol left in her mouth, and still somehow the sorrow is drowned away. She kicks Alric awake.
“I’m never drinking again,” she declares to Alric, her voice scratchy. “Light, we’re not twenty-five anymore, what were we thinking?”
“We were thinking,” Alric croaks, “that even adults get to have fun.”
Siuan give him her best unimpressed look. “Did we have fun?”
“I’m sure some of it was fun. Before you started going on about Moiraine again.”
“Ughhhh,” Siuan buries her head in her hands. “Please, please, kill me. Please. Let the Wheel turn me into my next life already.”
Alric’s grin, crooked and genuine although exhausted, staves off the impending humiliation she feels. “You’re just a sad drunk.” He staggers out of the bed, his clothes crumpled and his hair mussed. “I’m a good drunk, and you’re a sad one. We all have our own lanes.”
Siuan throws a pillow at him. “Get out. I have to get ready. I actually have work to do today, unlike some people.”
“It’s a Saturday.”
“And?”
Alric just sighs. He knows he won’t be getting her to get out of the office anytime. “Fine. I’ll come by later. I need to go nap. Just try not to work yourself too hard, okay?” He comes next to her side of the bed and presses a kiss to her forehead. “If you die before you see her, you’ll never be able to get back together with her.”
Siuan’s heart beats a little faster at even the mention of the possibility. She curses the traitorous thing. “Who said anything about getting back together?”
“Trust me,” Alric is already on his way, but he turns to give her a huge shit-eating grin, tapping his fingers to his temple. “I have a sixth sense about these sorts of things.”
“I hate you.” She calls after him.
“Love you too!” He replies, and the door slams shut behind him.
She wishes for a moment she hadn’t told him to get lost. There are documents on her desk, though, and a million emails waiting for her to respond to. Still, her thoughts linger on his words, and she wishes for the millionth time that she had learned more of Moiraine’s remarkable ability for compartmentalization.
“You don’t even have a heart,” Siuan accuses, cold and hot at the same time. “You say you love me,” she chokes on the sound of her own heart tearing itself into pieces, “but you can’t. You just can’t, Moiraine.”
Moiraine’s face is perfectly still. In fact, she holds herself so still she looks like the pond water left in a hole on the ground after a rainy day. There is nothing to grasp in her expression, nothing to read at all. When she speaks, her voice is calm, measured. “You don’t believe that.”
Siuan’s laugh flays herself alive. “Don’t I?” She returns. “Look me in the eye, Lady Damodred,” she spits, using Moiraine’s family name against her like the sword it is. Moiraine stiffens even more, and Siuan hates herself for the words ripping out of her mouth. “And tell me why you told the board that I leaked the information.”
“It was the truth.”
“So you betrayed me.” Siuan’s voice has gone high and reedy.
“We both had jobs, Siuan. You failed yours. I couldn’t fail mine.”
Siuan shakes her head. “Get out. Get out, get out, get out.” She repeats, like a mantra, because she’s lost her mind along with the piece of her heart Moiraine holds beating in her hands. “I never want to see you again.”
Moiraine’s facade cracks, a little, for the first time. “You don’t mean that.” Even now, her voice is steady, strong. Siuan hates her for it.
“I do.” She looks Moiraine dead in the eyes. “Leave, Moiraine. Don’t come back again.”
And so Moiraine, head held high, leaves her ring on their shared desk, and goes.
She looks at herself in the mirror one last time before she leaves. The lipstick is bold, dark and burgundy, and her outfit is slim-cut. They are specifically cut out to show off her tattoos, and she traces the one curling up to her collarbone for a moment. Alric is waiting, patient, and she gives him a grateful smile as she locks up behind her.
“Are you ready?” He asks as she slides into the passenger seat next to him.
She shrugs, fastening her seatbelt. “These events are better over.”
“I agree.” He gives her an amused look. “I wonder who keeps organizing them.”
She fingers her ring as she speaks, the smooth ridges of the well worn metal calming. “It’s expected.”
“Ha, ha.” He replies, sardonically. “Like you care about that.”
“Do you want to keep being my secretary, or would you rather I don’t have a job?” She turns to glare at him, her threat only half serious. The university’s board does expect this of her, but to be fair, this faculty event isn’t something that they wanted. In fact, she had to face down a good number of board members to get this approved.
He just raises an eyebrow. “Okay, okay. Whatever you say, Madame President.”
She groans in response. “Stop that.”
“Of course, Madame President.” His smirk is annoying.
“You’re lucky you’re driving,” she responds.
He just grins right back, unafraid of her threats. The ride is a short one, one of the perks of living in the President Residence close by to campus, and she finds herself twirling the ring more aggressively around her finger as they get closer and closer to campus. She’s so intent on it that she doesn’t realize that they’ve stopped until Alric leans in, puts his hand on hers, and stops her fidgeting.
“Hey,” his brown eyes are warm, sincere, and completely serious. “If you need me to tell them you’ve died, I can do that.”
She scoffs. “And let all of this makeup go to waste?” She rolls her eyes at him, and is so grateful for him she thinks her heart could burst. “Not a chance.” To prove her point, she opens the door, stepping out of the car and raising an eyebrow at him. “Well?” She drawls. “Come on then. This bloody thing won’t get started by itself.”
He shakes his head at her, mock exasperated. “Fine, fine, fine. So demanding.” He gets out of the car and comes to stand by her side, offering his arm in mock suppliance. “May I have the honor, Madame President?”
She glares at him, but takes his arm nonetheless. “You may,” she says, as haughtily as she can manage. They share one final look, before they pull each other together in some sort of semblance, and they enter.
In the hall, she lets go of his arm, nodding in response to his look that asks if she is okay, and pushes open the door herself. The hall quiets, for only a moment, but she feels the dozens of eyes that immediately seize on her. She resists the urge to roll her shoulders and wash off the feeling of being perceived, and walks to her seat at the head of the table. She wishes for a moment for Alric’s solid warmth by her side, but then she sees her, and all other thoughts fly out of her mind.
Moiraine is sitting two seats down from her, head bent towards Lan and speaking quietly. She’s sitting tall, straight, proud, and yet all Siuan can think is: she’s gotten tanner.
The simple fact makes her unbearably sad. Moiraine has gotten tanner on the research trip that should have been theirs together, and yet Siuan wasn’t there to see it. She wonders for a half second if Moiraine had been sunburnt, if she was taking care of herself. She looks fine, but Siuan doesn’t know if it is a trick of the light or if Moiraine’s cheekbones are sharper than they used to be. She can’t linger on the thought, or she’ll start to think about the years that have passed and the days that she has missed.
She doesn’t manage to pull her gaze away fast enough, so when Lan looks up, their eyes meet. He nods in acknowledgement. Of what, she wants to ask. Acknowledgement of what relationship? Do they even have one, anymore? Instead, she just looks away. She doesn’t know how to speak to him, how to even look at him, when the seat next to Moiraine should be hers.
It is irrational, of course. Lan and Moiraine are as innocent as her and Alric, but still, a twinge of jealousy flares its head in her chest. She settles quickly into her seat. Leanne is already there, twirling a glass of wine in her hands.
“Siuan! How are you?” Leanne passes her a glass, which Siuan accepts with a grateful look.
“Could be better,” Siuan replies, clinking their glasses together before taking a sip. “How’s the fish?”
“Good. The chef outdid himself.”
She cuts a piece of the fish herself and nods in agreement. “It’s very tender. Excellent.”
“Well, if you say it’s good, then it must be.” Leanne teases.
Siuan gives Leanne her best innocent look, and tries to pretend she’s not eavesdropping on Alanna’s conversation with Moiraine in the corner of her eye. “I have no idea what you’re suggesting. You can’t possibly be suggesting that I, as a fisherwoman from Tear, might have high standards for fish.”
“No, no, of course not,” Leanne replies smoothly. “You just have, shall we say, difficult tastes.”
“Why, I never!” Siuan exclaims dramatically, cutting herself another piece of the fish. It really is excellent, although if Siuan wasn’t so distracted with keeping one ear trained to the pieces of conversation happening to her left she might have something to say about the spices the chef used. “I just like spices.”
“Of course, of course.” Leanne sips her wine with a small grin. “Did Alric drive you?”
“Yes,” Siuan looks down the table. Alric has seated himself next to one of his friends from the Engineering department, and he is too busy chatting away to notice her. She’s glad of it. At least someone will get some joy out of this event. Moiraine is clearly not, and she hasn’t even touched the fish. “But clearly he’s now abandoned me.”
Anjen raises an eyebrow at Leanne. “My dearest PI,” he begins, but before he can continue Leanne waves him off. “Stop it. I’m not keeping you on a leash. So long as you’re not hungover on our redeye flight tomorrow, you can do whatever you like.” Anjen groans, looking beseechingly towards Siuan. “Whatever did I do to deserve such treatment?”
Siuan laughs, only half listening. Anjen and Leanne start another tangent, something about work life balance, but her attention is completely drawn to her left. Moiraine is smiling, or the closest approximation to a smile that she’ll allow in public. “...There are still sights in the desert, you know,” she is saying to an Alanna who looks absolutely scandalized.
“But are they as fine as the ones in the city?”
Siuan recognizes the exact timbre of voice that Moiraine uses when she responds, so innocent it's faux, “Even better.” Alanna says something in response, and Moiraine responds, but Siuan doesn’t hear anymore. Instead, all she can hear is the breaking of her heart, shattering into pieces on the ground.
Of course. She closes her eyes briefly, before lifting her head back up to greet Leanne with a fake smile. She continues her conversation with them on autopilot, She had let herself get her ridiculous hopes up. Of course Moiraine had seen the sights around the desert. It’s been seven years. Of course Moiraine has moved on. It doesn’t matter that she still sees pieces of Moiraine in the face of everyone that she even thinks about taking home. It doesn’t matter that even the thought of Moiraine’s face, if she were ever to find out about it, is enough to stop Siuan from taking any of those people home. Moiraine has the right to move on, and Siuan is so heartbroken it’s pathetic.
Leanne is asking her a question, but Siuan is barely listening. She pays more attention when she hears Moiraine’s name. “How did you get Moiraine Damodred to come back?”
“What do you mean?”
Leanne gives her a look. “We all know about your… Disagreements.”
“That’s putting it lightly,” Siuan replies, trying to play her heartbreak off as a joke. It hurts like scraping her hand on rocks and sticking it into the sea, but Leanne doesn’t seem to notice.
“So how did you convince her to come back? She hasn’t been back in, what, ten years?”
“Seven,” Siuan corrects, and immediately regrets it. Thank the Light Leanne doesn’t seem to notice. “And who knows? Maybe she needs something from the university.” She nudges Leanne. “Besdes, can’t a woman come back to schmooze with her colleagues?”
Leanne laughs, as though that is the most ridiculous thing in the world. “Moiraine? Damodred? Please. This is probably torture to her. Do you remember when we were in college, and we had to beg and plead for her to even go to a house party?”
Siuan laughs, the sound ripped from her throat, choked. “She was like that, wasn’t she?” She fakes a sigh, looking down at her plate. “I suppose I should probably go speak to her, show that there’s no bad blood, shouldn’t I?”
“That would probably give Liandrin a heart attack.” Leanne smirks. “So yes, you should.”
Liandrin? Siuan narrows her eyes at the Engineering professor who sits closer to the other end of the table. She is speaking with one of her colleagues, but Siuan has a vivid flashback to Moiraine telling her about Liandrin’s interest, and that memory is what spurs her to stand up without further decoration. “Excuse me,” she inclines her head slightly at Leanne, and moves towards where Moiraine is sitting.
Moiraine stiffens, as she approaches, as though she is afraid Siuan will hit her or, Light forbid, speak to her. She doesn’t even glance at Siuan, even though Alanna gives her a nod in greeting when she passes. Somehow, this hurts too, takes Siuan’s breath away. It guts the hope Siuan hadn’t meant to hold for so long from the inside out. So in the last minute, Siuan, like a coward that she’s never known herself to be, changes course, and lays a hand on Lan’s unsuspecting shoulder instead. “Lan.” She says, struggling and failing to hide her heartbreak and the thousand emotions that swirl inside her like a tide pool threatening to swallow an unsuspecting ship. “It’s been so long.” She swallows hard, forces herself to ignore the burning glare she can feel Moiriane directing at her for daring to encroach upon hers. “Come get a drink with me.”
Lan, burn him, agrees easily, and in the span of a single glass of whiskey manages to get her hopes up. To be fair to him, she didn’t even try to protest. “Talk to her,” he tells her, but Siuan is too afraid to go back to the table and invite Moiraine, even as she feels her course already shifting in the winds that he blows in her sail. She takes a healthy gulp of the whiskey she holds, wanting to feel the warmth course through her. She barely feels it, because she is too busy watching the way Moiraine leans immediately towards Lan when he sits back down, the way that he nods in her direction.
She takes another sip of her drink, wondering what Lan said to get Moiraine, unwilling and dragging her feet, to stand up and come speak to her. She is willing to bet almost anything that it has something to do with the project. An expected wave of sorrow washes over her at that thought. Of course, Moiraine would force herself to be in her company, if it would help her purpose. Moiraine has never been anything more than a lionfish when it comes to getting what she wants.
There is a saying in Tear. You catch no fish if they see the nets. Siuan sees the net that Moiraine is weaving for her, and she jumps in willingly.
Light, but Moiraine looks good. Siuan doesn’t bother trying to hide her expression. If Moiraine is going to use her, then let her at least let her memorize each inch of Moiraine’s being. She is resplendent in a blue representative of her home country, and Siuan is almost disgusted at the part of her that still wants to take it off of Moiraine. Even thinking about Moiraine feels sacrilegious. Don’t deny her this, she begs Moiraine silently, but Moiraine never meets her eyes enough to read the plea.
“Hello, Dr. Sanche.” Moiraine says, meeting her eyes for the first time after she has had a gulp of wine. Is Siuan so abhorrent, that she can barely bear to speak to her? Every line of Moiraine’s body is nearly vibrating with the tension she holds herself with.
“Hello, Dr. Damodred,” Siuan replies, the words bittersweet in her mouth. She can count on one hand the number of times she has addressed Moiraine by her family name. “How are you?”
“Fine,” Moiraine is short. “How are you?”
Siuan doesn’t know what compels her, but she is honest, as honest as she dares be with the new version of Moiraine that is nearly foreign to her. “Tired. This job is like being thrown into a school of silverpike.”
Moiraine snorts, the sound seeming to surprise even herself. “You and your fish.”
Siuan is so filled with want that it overflows, for a moment, just a second. “Did you like the fish?” She ventures, wondering if she’ll ever be brave enough to ask Moiraine what she really wants to ask her again.
Moiraine stiffens again at the question, and instantly Siuan knows that Moiraine didn’t understand why Siuan had chosen white fish, of all fish, to serve to her. Siuan wants to roll her eyes, shake her head and demand: doesn’t Moiraine know better? Doesn’t she know Siuan well enough that, even after these seven years apart, she reads the fish as the plea for Moiraine to feel comfortable, not alienated? But she no longer has the right to say any of that so she is quiet as Moiraine replies, with some masochistic glee, “Of course I did, Madame President.”
Her title sounds like curdled milk out of Moiraine’s mouth. She nearly shivers with the strength of her disgust, and she instantly regrets how comfortable she still feels around Moiraine after all of these years as she blurts out, without another thought, “I hate that. I’m not that. Not to you.”
She wonders if it is a byproduct of her pathetic heart that Moiraine seems to soften, and she is nearly gentle when she asks in response, “Who are you to me, then?”
“Siuan.” Anything you want me to be to you, so long as you let me stay. “Always.” Forever. “Just Siuan.”
Moiraine’s smile is small, sad, and Siuan’s hope rears its head like a tsunami crashing down over a town.
“Moiraine,” Siuan writes. She crosses it out. “Lady Damodred.” She crosses that out, too. She isn’t sure how she can begin to write this letter that she never thought she would have to. She looks over at the project updates that sits on her desk. The author was clearly in a hurry, but even then, Siuan can’t help herself as she picks up the letter and tries, vainly, to catch any scent that the author might have left. There is nothing, of course. Not after all of the travel the letter has seen.
“Dr. Damodred,” she decides on, finally. “The project looks like it is going well.” Her pen hovers over the paper. What is she to write, now? She isn’t sure how she is to talk to Moiraine, much less give her critiques on the project. “However, I believe that you may need to resubmit your IRB proposal if you are to begin the proposed next phase of your research.”
She doesn’t know why she bothers to put so much thought into the letter. Moiraine will likely never read it. It will be Lan who pours over the letter, making the needed adjustments to any documentation. Moiraine wouldn’t know it was her even if she did read the letter. It is only recently that Siuan has begun to review research proposals on her own. It had always been Alric who did it before.
Her hand moves before she is sure what she is writing. “Please return to the university at your earliest convenience. There is much for us to discuss about the future of your research. I would also like to invite you to the next faculty networking event. It will happen in the next week or so, and you will receive a formal invitation soon.”
She thinks about crossing out what she wrote, and then decides that it is unnecessary. Moiraine won’t come, either way.
“All the best, Siuan.”
Moiraine doesn’t blame her. The relief is so overwhelming that Siuan isn’t sure she even knows how to speak anymore, and in her naked joy she blurts out, “Then why did you come back, Moiraine? You know as well as I do that anything you wanted to ask me for could have been over email. Even this, this Dragon Reborn business, could have been done virtually. Why did you come back?” Siuan’s heart skips a beat, and she marvels at her own bravery. “Why are you doing this?” To me, she doesn’t add, because that isn’t fair to Moiraine. This is her university as much as it is Siuan’s. Still, she asks, and Moiraine hears her.
“I got an invitation.”
“Fish guts,” Siuan snaps, almost unable to believe how Moiraine would dare give her such a bald-faced diversion. “Don’t do that. Not to me.” She swallows, gathers her courage, and wills the Wheel to weave in her favor just once. “What do you want, Moiraine?”
Moiraine looks like she’s just taken a knife to her. She is quiet for so long that Siuan decides that she will back off. She’s pushed too far, again, and Moiraine deserves mercy. Moiraine doesn’t deserve to have to face the ugly, ragged edges of Siuan’s broken heart. She deserves better than what Siuan can offer her. She opens her mouth to let Moiraine off the hook, but Moiraine beats her to it. Moiraine laughs, so terrified and small that Siuan decides she’ll drop this, stop any conversation, just so Moiraine never has to sound like that again, and a tear falls down Moiraine’s cheek.
Even now, Siuan wants to kiss it away.
“You,” Moirine says in a breath. Siuan wonders if she knows how there are tears welling in her eyes, wonders if she knows how much she looks like her heart is breaking open to tell Siuan the truth. Siuan thinks that if she lingers too long on that thought it might kill her. “Only you, Siuan.” Moiraine takes a shaky breath, as though trying to control herself. “When have I ever wanted anything else?”
The declaration destroys Siuan. She doesn’t know how, but she ends up on her knees in front of Moiraine’s, kneeling in supplication and worship.
“You can have me,” she tells Moiraine, forgetting her pride, forgetting her name, forgetting everything except the deep-seated knowledge that she is Moiraine’s, body and soul, in this life and the next. “I am yours,” she tells Moiraine, as though she didn’t wear it on her sleeve.
“No, Siuan. We broke what we had. It can’t be fixed.” Moiraine says, barely able to meet her eyes.
Siuan is terrified of what she’ll say next, so she doesn’t let Moiraine continue. She isn’t thinking anymore. She’s so overwhelmed with a cocktail of joy, fear desperation, and want that she says, without thinking twice, “Then we’ll make something new.” Then she begs, pleads, so pathetic she might hate herself if it wasn’t for the way that Moiraine’s eyes watch her like she is the most precious pearl in the sea, “Give us a chance, Moiraine. I am yours, in this turning of the Wheel and the next. Yours, in every turn of the Wheel.”
Moiraine looks like even now, even with tears streaming down her face, as though she might deny Siuan this last salvation. Instead, she leans forward, closes her eyes, and whispers, “As I am yours.” She presses a light kiss on Siuan’s lips, and repeats, reverent. “As I am yours.” She presses another kiss to Siuan’s lips. “I love you.
Siuan thinks she might be made more out of love than matter. “As I love you,” she responds, and Moiraine presses another kiss to her lips.
Hours, years, minutes, seconds pass.
Moiraine’s lips are soft, a little hesitant, and so familiar it makes Siuan’s heart ache, right where there used to be a crack. She can’t help herself. She whimpers, so filled with want it burns through her, and Moiraine lets out a small moan in response.
Siuan wants to push her down onto the seat and devour her right there and then. “Light,” Siuan pulls away, sinks back onto her heels, because Moiraine would never forgive her if she did that. “Light, Moiraine.”
Moiraine’s eyes, when they open, are hazy with a look that liquifies Siuan. She is flushed, and Siuan feels a small thrill of joy at the sight. “Light.” She repeats Siuan, softly.
“I want-” Siuan takes a deep breath. “Come home with me.”
Moiraine is looking at her with such tenderness that it ruins Siuan. Still, she hesitates. “I-”
“No one will know.” Siuan thinks she knows exactly what is making Moiraine hesitate. “The project will be secret,” Siuan tells her with all the resolution in her heart. “I will make sure of it.”
“Siuan, I-” Siuan has never seen Moiraine hesitate and stumble over her words that way. “It’s been so long. I don’t-”
“Tell me.”
Moiraine bites her lip. Siuan wants to follow the motion. “I haven’t been with anybody since-” She says, haltingly, a blush rising high again on her cheeks. “I don’t- I-”
“Neither have I.” Siuan replies, undeterred. “I couldn’t look at anyone without seeing you, Moiraine. Light, I may as well have taken an oath of celibacy if you didn’t come back.”
“What?” Moiraine’s eyes widen. She looks pleasantly surprised, but almost unsure. “You haven’t?”
“I tried,” Siuan tells her, honest because she is terrified of Moiraine finding out from someone else’s mouth. “There was a man. Gareth. I wanted to,” she huffs an annoyed sigh at her own inability to articulate. “I wanted to have another relationship. Move on. It’s been seven years, Moiraine, I thought…”
This time it is Moiraine’s hand that comes up to cup her cheek. “It’s okay.” Moiraine presses a kiss to her forehead. “I wouldn’t have asked this of you anyway.” Her voice lowers, something heavy clinging to it. “I hoped, for a while, that you would find someone else,” she confesses, as though confessing to a crime. “Then you would be happy. And I would be able to, I don’t know, put everything aside and focus on the research.”
Siuan’s snort is equal parts fond and resigned. “You and your research.”
Moiraine’s eyes are dead serious when she pulls back to look at Siuan. “I missed you, Siuan.”
Siuan’s mouth is dry, but she manages to speak anyway. “I missed you.”
“But I won’t stay.”
It hurts, just a little, to hear Moiraine squash all of the impossible hope Siuan hadn’t even known she was harboring. But she just nods. “I wouldn’t have expected otherwise.”
Moiraine relaxes, just a little. “Thank you,” she offers quietly, although she doesn’t elaborate for what. Siuan shakes her head, presses another kiss to Moiraine’s lips, and then gets up.
“Well,” she smoothes down her suit, before extending her hand to Moiraine to help her stand, too. “We have a party to return to.”
“Must we?” The single request tells more than any words can how much Moiraine wants to be alone with her. The Moiraine she remembers would never be able to word something like this, much less request it. Moiraine looks up at her, her eyes shining with something much stronger than Moiraine will ever let herself voice.
Fuck it, Siuan decides. “Come home with me now, then.”
The yearning in Moiraine’s eyes is almost too much to bear. She’s looking at Siuan like she’s not sure any of this is real. It is a familiar look in her eyes. Even before what happened, Moiraine would sometimes pause in the middle of a nondescript moment, look at Siuan with such longing in her eyes as though Siuan wasn’t right in front of her, and fall silent. It is like it is the smallest moments that she seems to have a hard time believing are real, sometimes. “But-”
“Please.” Siuan wants to kiss away any uncertainty.
Moiraine nods, and Siuan lets herself be washed away in the tides.