In the Cards

“That’s a rare sight, Sirius Black studying,” said an amused voice that had Sirius smile to himself before he even looked up, only to find Remus leaning on the door jamb with his arms crossed.

He rested his chin onto his hand and smirked at Remus, raising an eyebrow. “Oh is it? How do you think I went through Hogwarts, hum?”

Remus had the audacity to snort, and untied his arms, stepping forward in the room. “Winging it,” he drawled, eliciting a laugh from his companion. He came to sit next to him, inching closer in order to read the title of what Sirius had been enthralled in.

“Causes and Remedies of Magical Comas”,” he read thoughtfully. “Is it informative?”

It was Sirius’ turn to snort. “Informative sure. Useful? Absolutely not.” He sighed and dropped his elbow from the surface of the table, lowering his head down. “The more I research and the less I seem to learn… It’s like swimming against the current… No matter the effort, I don’t seem to advance even a centimeter.”

Remus nodded, understanding, as he leaned back in his chair and looked at Sirius’ vaguely defeated expression. They gazed in each other’s eyes for a moment, both only half present as the rest of their mind was held back by the very reason as to why Sirius would find himself stuck in the library so soon after being freed.

“I’m starting to understand why Snape seem to look like he emerged from a tombstone every other day,” Sirius mumbled eventually. Remus kept on watching him, a small knowing smile gracing his lips that had Sirius frown.

“What?” he asked a little defensively. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Nothing really, I just noticed how you haven’t called Severus any deprecating name since you came back.”

The statement seemed to take the young man aback for a moment, for his eyebrows shot up and his eyes stared into nothingness as he considered the words. He hummed, musing.

“You’re right… Hadn’t even noticed actually.”

“Well, that’s good,” Remus stated firmly, straightening back forward. “This stupid schoolboy quarrel had to stay just that. I would have hated for you to fuel it further with more nonsensical rivalry.”

Sirius rolled his eyes at the admonishment.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me,” Remus exclaimed as he pushed a laughing Sirius. “You two nearly growled at each other the first time you met again! Stop laughing Sirius!”

“I’m sorry Moony,” the animagus finally managed to say between bouts of laughter. Remus huffed indignantly and had to resist the urge to cross his arms petulantly. Only Sirius could get a rise at him with the most ridiculous things ever.

“No you’re not,” he ended up saying, shaking his head fondly. “What made you decide to let go though? This feud between you guys,” he clarified in response to Sirius’ inquisitive expression.

Remus watched as his lover’s expression closed off minutely, taking a sad edge that he was hard-pressed to understand the origin. He waited patiently for Sirius to find his words, as it was obvious he was reluctant to share what was on his mind.

“I just…” he started, before sighing deeply and straightening back up. He twisted his body to face Remus and rested his hand in his palm, trying to look nonchalant. To absolutely no avail. Remus knew him too well and saw right through it. Sirius was uncomfortable with the topic, but for reasons he couldn’t yet fathom. Remus cocked his head sideways and kept on silently waiting.

Sirius swallowed and took a deep breath.

“I was stupid, that night,” he tried again, and Remus blinked startled by the direction the conversation was heading in. “I went to James and Lily’s you know… I saw him dea-” he nearly choked on the word and had to swallow around the lump in his throat, frowning. “Dead. James. He was just lying there, cold and unmoving. I saw Lily too, and realized she was alive, but hurt. Harry was crying, bawling his eyes out really…” he paused, eyes glazed over as if the memory was replaying right before them. It gave Remus chills down his spine, face soured by the loss of their friend and the retelling of that night.

“I could have stayed you know,” Sirius continued, staring in Remus’ eyes. “I should have stayed. Harry needed me, Lily needed me… James was de-gone, but they were still there. And yet I just lost it and ran,” he spat out, looking disgusted with himself. Remus took in a sharp intake of breath, starting to comprehend where this was headed. “I could only think of one thing: how I wanted to find Peter and destroy him. I wanted to kill him so badly for betraying James and Lily like that. I pursued him without looking back. Lily was injured, Harry was distressed and crying and I just…ran. How pathetic is that?”

“Sirius-“

“Don’t please,” he interrupted, shutting his eyes tightly as if it would keep out Remus’ next words. He didn’t want to be consoled or reassured. What he had done had been more than stupid; it had been selfish, horrible and so incredibly pathetic. And now he had to live with it. To learn how to live with the guilt that kept on assaulting him, catching him in moments of inattention. He was the luckiest man on earth that Albus had had suspicions about his guilt and pressed the matter deeper until he revealed the truth. He would never have been able to live with himself if that mistake had cost him the years he could have had next to Remus and in Harry and Lily’s life.

“He was there.”

Remus looked up again as Sirius spoke once more. He didn’t need to ask who he was.

“He was there when I landed my sorry ass in Azkaban because I was too brash – again. I thought he would have hated Harry for the sole reason of being James’ son, and yet he was the one who comforted him that night, and the following nights. Minerva told me what he did for Harry, and what he’s been doing for Lily. Remember when I reunited with Harry?”

Remus nodded quietly. “That’s when I realized that despite all our differences, he did something I should have and didn’t. He was there for Harry and that’s worth far more than anything he could have done during our school years.” Sirius winced as he seemed to consider something else. “Especially considering I was the one who instigated most of the bullying against him.”

“That you did,” Remus said, tone slightly cutting. It had Sirius look up at him in surprise at the change of atmosphere. One look at him and Sirius deflated with understanding, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Bad habits die hard.

“It was only a joke, Moony, honestly how long are you going to be mad-“

“He could have died Padfoot!”

Sirius swallowed and laughed nervously. “Don’t be so dramatic-“

“Dramatic?!” the other whisper-yelled, glaring at his idiot of a best friend. “Worst case scenario, he would have died and you would have made me a murderer! Best case scenario? I would have turned him into a werewolf, therefore ruining his life and I would have been the one having to live with it! How’s that for dramatic?!”

Sirius had blanched facing with the incandescence of the other’s ire, and he could only swallow, wide eyed as he surveyed Remus as if he was about to attack him.

After a few seconds, Remus released a deep breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding, and leaned back in his chair again, closing his eyes and passing his hands over his face and hair. He suddenly looked exhausted and Sirius couldn’t help but feel bad for it.

“Alright, you’re right,” he amended. “I was a selfish prick…”

“Damn right you were!” Remus cut him again, looking back at him with exasperation. “I’m glad you’re ready to push past your differences, but Sirius…” he trailed off, sighing yet again. Dear Merlin he sounded like an old rag, he needed to stop sighing so much. “Unless you think back on what you actually did for you guys to end up to this point, your truce won’t matter. It’s all well and good you feel indebted to Severus because of what he did for Harry and Lily, but he wasn’t the one who had to redeem himself here. Not to you in any case,” he added upon seeing Sirius’ expression. “He may have made some…questionable choices – yes alright very questionable but who are you to talk? – but in regards to you he only ever gave back what you stroke him with.”

They stayed silent for a while, Remus attentively looking at Sirius as the other looked down to his hands, obviously pondering Remus’ words and being very perplexed by them. Remus pursed his lips and raised his eyes skywards, reigning in his patience. He was glad that Sirius was at least taking him seriously, but he couldn’t help but shake his head fondly at the complete lack of understanding written across the other’s face.

“I just don’t want you to confuse everything. You can’t just brush past everything that happened if you want to have a normal relationship with him-“

“Who says I want a normal relationship with him- Oww! What was that for!” he exclaimed, cradling the arm Remus had just slapped. Hard.

“Don’t snap at me! I’m only doing that to help you! You won’t have a choice in the matter; for better or for worse, he is part of Harry’s life, and you said so yourself, he’s good with him, for him.”

“I said no such thing,” Sirius countered petulantly, earning himself a deadpan.

“You basically implied it. And any idiot could see it. You’re Harry’s godfather, but seeing how Harry attached himself to Severus, I suggest you ensure you can at least be civil to each other-“

“We are civil to each other- yeah ok I’ll shut up now.”

“Let me rephrase, I’m afraid subtlety doesn’t work with you. You are currently being insanely good at doing the absolute bare minimum in regards to civility. Congratulations, you nod at each other instead of hexing each other’s ass to oblivion! That’s improvement, I’ll give you that. So instead of giving you a choice, I’ll just tell/i> you: go bloody apologize to the man for at least this one time! You don’t know what it feels like to be faced with an angry werewolf ready to bite you,” he added more quietly, grasping Sirius’ attention. He felt a sudden surge of guilt upon realizing that Remus was remembering the time he had been beaten. He was about to open his mouth to try and make amends for his complete lack of tact but was cut short by Remus who seemed to emerge out of his short reverie and snapped his eyes back up to his.

“Understood?” he asked, face hard and look unwavering.

Sirius found himself nodded frenetically, very keen on not angering the werewolf further. Remus didn’t relax much but at least he didn’t look ready to slap him again.

“Good,” he stated with a nod of his own, before getting up. Before Sirius could even think of reacting, Remus had pulled him forward by his tie and pressed a hard kiss on his lips. Only when his brain caught up with what was going on and he thought of answering, Remus had let go and swiveled around, living the room without a look back, leaving a dazed and open-mouthed animagus in his wake.