September 1981
September 1981
Sweet, soft, low humming filled the dimly lit nursery. Colorful shadows were dancing on the walls, illuminating cherry wood furniture, creating a serene, peaceful atmosphere, secluded away from the darkness reigning outside the protective bubble keeping the small family safe.
James Potter would be blissfully happy if not for the now lulled worries that had been nagging at him constantly in the back of his mind since they had gone into hiding. Right now however, it could be forgotten, if only for short moments. He was holding his pride and joy in the form of a fast asleep one-year old. He smiled tenderly down at his son. He had fallen asleep quickly, despite the post bath excitement. Spending all afternoon speeding on his small broom toy had tired him enough that it had only taken James five minutes of gentle rocking for the boy to fall into Morpheus arms.
“How’s Harry?”
James slowly turned on his heels, and was met with Lily’s gently amused gaze. She was leaning against the door jamb, arms crossed against her chest and her hair was falling over her shoulder as she peered over at him. He smiled back, looking towards Harry once more, never stopping the quiet rocking.
“He fell like a log,” he chuckled and was echoed by Lily as she peeled herself from the door and crossed the space between them, coming to circle his waist with her arms from behind, pressing the side of her face on his shoulder to look down on her baby boy.
They stayed like this for a quiet handful of cherished moments before Lily’s soft expression sobered up minutely, James being none the wiser, his attention entirely focused on the angelic features adorned by a mop of black hair.
Lily squeezed James’ waist, trying to ground herself as a lump formed in her throat and a ball of nerves settled in her stomach at the thought of what she desperately needed to tell her husband. She had put it off for too long already.
James did not react to the squeeze other than shifting his head closer to Lily’s, a content smile playing on his lips and she bit her lower lip.
“We should put him to bed,” she could only murmur, afraid her voice would shake otherwise. Pressing a kiss on James’ shoulder for good measure, she released her embrace and circled around him with her hands outstretched. James released the baby boy readily enough to his wife, passing a hand through the raven locks gently and Lily relaxed slightly.
Holding her son securely against her chest, focusing on the warmth of the bundle and the regular swell of his chest as he breathed, effectively ebbed the anxiety associated with her coming confession.
Putting Harry down slowly in his crib, she kissed his forehead, lingering there a little, before easing the boy in his rompers.
She watched him for a few seconds, taking in the perfectly serene face that only babies display as they sleep and couldn’t help but feel her face split into a smile at the warm, fuzzing feeling that engulfed her.
There was nothing else. Nothing more than this. Nothing comparing to the moment her baby boy had been settled in her arms for the first time. Nothing comparing to the sight of the perfect baby, new to the world, living and breathing, pressed against her chest. Nothing comparing to the pride, unaltered happiness, the love and bliss she had felt radiating in all her being, filling her with brilliant joy.
It was only a flitting moment of astonishment upon discovering that this little, oh so little, thing, this beautiful and vulnerable new life that had been inside of her for so long and was now here, entirely depended on her to care for and to protect. She had fallen in love all over again, with James by her side and holding her against him, with her holding their son against her.
All the worries, fears, darkness had vanished. Everything had gone away, disappearing in the background, far away from the insidious evil that was trying to snake its way and destroy the most perfect treasure she had.
Lily furrowed her brows as the memory faded. The darkness wasn’t very far away anymore. It couldn’t simply be vanished away that easily despite all the precautions and protections in the world. The red-head knew in her heart that the smothering darkness had never been so close. She resented it.
As she looked down on the angelic yawning figure, she resented the very being that incarnated all her fears, she hated it, loathed it with every fiber of her body.
She released a shaky breath and had to stop the now instinctive habit she had so rapidly picked up replacing her trembling hand on the crib’s top rail, far from her midsection. She heard James shuffle behind her, undoubtedly coming closer and she didn’t give him – or her – the time to do anything else. She needed to tell him now, before she chickened out, before something else came up, before it was too late.
“James I need to tell you something,” she all but blurted out, swiveling around on her heels as she did.
A brief expression of surprise crossed James’ features at the sudden solemn declaration and he blinked a couple of times before frowning in concern.
“Is everything alright love?”
The endearment was nothing new, nothing she hadn’t heard before. James had taken to use it ever since they started dating, and it had always filled her with pleasant warmth and tugged a smile on her lips. Now however, in light of what she needed to confess, it only managed to spike up her anxiety.
How would he react? Concern and love were oozing from him in waves as he took her in. She loved him. Merlin she loved him so much, and she knew how much he did love her in return but at this simple word, testimony of what they felt, her heart clenched in her chest and her hands felt clammy.
Oh gods, this wasn’t the time. How could she have been so forgetful? They were at war! In hiding, from a madman no less! A maniac who believed in a half-assed prophecy proclaiming that a year-old baby was to possess bigger powers than he did, and thus said maniac logically deduced to eradicate the problem by killing said one-year-old baby.
Lily tightened her jaw, steeling herself as she looked back to James’ increasingly concern-clouded expression.
“Let’s go downstairs,” she sighted, resigned.
No matter how things would go over, she didn’t want to take the risk and wake Harry. James glanced at her quizzically before nodding, following her as she strode out of the nursery. If the worry of impairing Harry’s sleep was now quelled, none of her previous concerns eased up, and now that she was pacing relentlessly on their living room rug in front of a very puzzled James, what she had to say weighted on her like a ton of bricks.
In turn, James sat on their sofa, silent as he watched his wife obviously working herself up to try and explain something. He knew from experience that the best course of action was to let her go through her thoughts without pressure, and she would eventually express whatever it was that was plaguing her mind. Regardless, he couldn’t help but feel increasingly worried at the troubled air she had on her face and the skittish glances she would throw his way now and then.
After at least five minutes had passed in near complete silence beyond Lily’s shuffling over the carpet, James thought that perhaps, this once, he ought to prob.
“Lily, love, perhaps it would be best to just you know, be out with it,” he tentatively said. She had halted her pacing and turned to face him as he spoke. He gave her a steady, encouraging glance he hoped to be reassuring.
Lily exhaled sharply and licked her lips. No backing out now.
“I’m pregnant.”
Deathly silence welcomed her words. She had stopped breathing as soon as she’d said them, keeping her eyes firmly on James, whose only reaction so far had been to stare at her. It took several seconds for the words to register, for James to even start comprehending their individual meaning, let alone the full sentence. He blinked owlishly at her several times before it hit him. His eyes grew as round as saucers and he gaped, before suddenly feeling incredibly light.
This was what she had been so afraid telling him?
His face split up into a beaming smile and he jumped to his feet, barely noticing the utterly astonished look on Lily’s face before he had her in his arms.
“It’s wonderful Lils, it’s amazing!” he laughed, spinning her around with unabated elation.
Lily felt like she’d been confounded ten times over, right there and then as James was twirling them around with joy in his chest as he laughed pure happiness. She held onto him tightly gob-smacked until he put her back on the ground, her previous assumptions shaterring right in front of her.
She couldn’t help the small smile that played on her lips at the reaction, but it quickly faded the next time James spoke.
“But why do you look so heartbroken over it?” he asked searching her face with a frown dimming the previous beatific expression.
She stared at him a pained look on her face. “James, we’re at war,” she breathed, emphasizing the last word. “Voldemort is out there, spreading terror, killing everyone opposing him and he’s looking for us, for our little boy…” her voice cracked and she trailed off, averting James’ eyes as she could feel hers swimming with yet unshed tears.
Understanding flooded him and all traces of confusion ebbed away. He sighed softly and brought a hand up behind Lily’s head, pressing her against him and he felt her arms, seeking seemingly very needed comfort.
“I know Lils,” he whispered in her hair. “But it doesn’t mean we should stop living, fearing to die. That’d equate to be letting him win.”
Lily said nothing but found the strength to nod weakly. James released her gently and looked down at her softly, even as she seemed confused by the gesture.
“This,” he said, putting his hand reverently on her still flat stomach and brushing his thumb on it gently, “is a gift, my Lily. Another of the best gift I could ever hope for.”
Her eyes filled with tears as he proclaimed this, so much affection, trust and honesty in his voice and eyes that it was all she could do to allow a laughing sob out as all the anxiety disappeared. The cloud that had plagued her peace of mind since she had found out, finally ebbing away.
He smiled and gathered her back in his embrace as she cried.
She was still terrified. There was only one thing she wanted and it was for her family to be safe. For her children to be safe and happy, cared for and to grow up in a world where they wouldn’t have to look behind their shoulder constantly to watch out for Voldemort or his death eaters. But with James by her side, she would face them all. With his support and his love she would do everything in her power to ensure this came to pass.
She was still terrified. But she would die ensuring she made that wish a reality. She wasn’t a lioness for nothing.