Olivia felt that her body possessed animalistic desires that surpassed the thoughts in her mind. The weakness of her will allowed her body to consume itself and form something of its own. She didn't even have control of herself, she could smell it. It festered and died inside her, everyday. Her heartbeat would bang in the walls of her body like a beast wanting escape from a cage. To seek a moment of peace within herself was never an option, to hide from the body that was desperately seeking to kill her would only make the process quicker. Nobody around Olivia could possibly understand the need to find some sort of release from themselves in order to keep living.
Olivia could only pray to the moons for some sort of answer but all it did was bring her here. Eden. To Yves’ door. To the girl she sort of knew, the one that purposefully defied the rules and laws that held their world together. Olivia was frightened by her courage and selfishness, so seeking answers here only showed a testament to her faith. Yves wasn't the moon but she was like the stars, something so close to the real thing. Which was why she stood in front of her room, waiting for the door to open.
“Why here?” The voice came from behind her, waiting for her to turn around. Yves, holding her socks and shoes that were covered in mud, was standing before her, she moved them behind her quickly to hide them from the unexpected visitor. Olivia’s head tilted following Yves’ motion.
“No, it’s okay. I know already, I won’t tell.” Olivia spoke with quick desperation, trying to gain Yves’ trust. Yves relaxed her arm and just let it fall to her side. She kept looking at the new girl in anticipation for some sort of explanation for greeting her so late.
“The headmaster asked me to-”
“So? You knew I was gone, why even bother stopping by?” Yves interrupted her harshly, it made Olivia question if her belief was even real.
“I’m quite familiar with my room already, it bores me.” Olivia expected another quick dismissal from Yves but to her surprise, she was listening. “To be honest, I need to escape from all of this. I thought I would take a quick peek.” Olivia gestures to the grandiose hallways, the walls, the floors, the windows that allow the forest and the moonlight to watch them, the garden itself.
“Out of everyone here, you found some individuality.” Yves finally seemed to look past Olivia’s face and peered into her soul. Yves moved past her and opened the door for her to enter.
“I can’t be a hypocrite, I snoop around too.” Yves said after a sigh.
Olivia chose to follow behind Yves, as she was entering her room and her life. Yves dipped into another room separate from the main one, while Olivia walked to the wall filled with books. The room just felt like Yves, a leader and a defier. The pillars that held the bookshelves had engravings of letters, for each of the girls.They etched in the wood with faces, flowers, animals, houses.
“Did you carve these?” Olivia asked Yves as she traced the carvings.
Yves was running the bath in the other room which was why she walked backwards, tilting her head to see what Olivia was getting at.
“More of traced.” She walked back into the bathroom leaving Olivia with the wall. Yves was trying to get rid of the evidence of her ever leaving Eden.
“Traced?”
“Yeah, the wood naturally has these engravings and I just looked at it hard enough. They were waiting for me to see it.” Yves shouted from the bathroom. Olivia laid her head against the cold hard wood, still tracing over the carvings, possibly trying to relive the moment when Yves had done the same.
“But due to your creativity, you allowed yourself to see something beyond the naked eye, no?” Olivia questioned. Yves stepped out of the bathroom and tilted her head, smiling at Olivia.
“That would be giving myself too much credit, that pillar existed before me. They were born with Eden, even if I haven’t carved into the pillar to make noticeable designs, they would’ve been there with or without me.”
“I guess I can see where you're coming from but nobody else would be able to see those designs without you.” Olivia lifted her head from the pillar and turned to look at Yves.
“I think you can give yourself more credit than that, Olivia.” Yves walked over to her and again gave a nice warm smile. She pulled a book from the shelf and handed it over to the girl.
“There are no books here despite the ones the headmaster makes. So as you already know… I go to the other world but I rewrite my favorite ones here. Just so I won’t get in trouble, I can’t keep the original copies but going back in the story is fun sometimes. Don’t tell anyone this but…” Yves leaned in closer and began whispering, “I rewrite the endings to my liking. Don’t tell Chuu, she hates lies.” She smiled. And for the first time, Olivia did with her.
“I won’t tell, it helps the fact I couldn’t even read any of this.” Olivia said, now scanning the lines of books that lay on the carved pillars.
“You can’t read?”
“No. That doesn’t matter much here anyway right?” Olivia smiled at her while Yves’ face fell.
“That matters to me though. What about my own original books? Things I’ve written, none of that complicated mumbo jumbo?” Yves asked desperately as she gestured to the wall.
“Can you learn?” Another desperate question spilling from Yves.
“Maybe?”
“There’s nothing stopping you so the answer should be yes! I could teach you anyway, you don't have to worry.” Yves gave Olivia a reassuring smile and a tap on the shoulder even though the predicament clearly bothered her more than Olivia.
Yves grabbed a book and Olivia’s arm and led the both of them to her bed. Yves sitting criss-crossed applesauce and Olivia sitting on the very edge, worried she would mess up her bed. Yves quickly shattered Olivia’s worries by pulling the blanket to cover her and the awkward girl’s legs, having pillows scatter the floor.
“You’ve been here a while but we never spoke. Why?” Yves asked directly.
“Oh…um. You’re never here.”
“I can’t bother being here. I’m sorry, but being trapped is the worst thing for someone like me.”
“I figured you hated everything about this place.” Olivia scoffed.
“You can feel however you want about that but I do. I won’t pretend I like it just because of your presence.” Yves said quickly, glancing in Olivia’s direction.
“I didn’t mean to offend, it's just- you should be more grateful for this, and for the girls.” Olivia muttered playing with her fingernails. Using her thumbnail to scrape the top of the other one just to soothe her uneasiness.
“I am grateful for the girls. Don’t question my love for them, only the gods know how much strength it takes me just to stay here.” Yves looked back at the door, facing away from Olivia while her body faced her.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t understand, I will try to. Please forgive me.” Olivia looked at Yves waiting for a response.
“It's whatever,” she grumbled back. “You don't have to try to understand.” Yves slowly came back to the conversation and suddenly spoke again to fill in the growing silence.
“You keep me here too.”
“Hm?” Olivia looked into the eyes of Yves and could only notice how much they had softened up. She had already thought she saw Yves’ authentic self but this made Olivia forget what she even knew about her originally.
“You out of anyone knows my secret and I know we barely talk but the garden is new to you. And you're new to it. You’re refreshing. I don’t think you know that.”
“Oh.” That was the only thing Olivia could manage, to be someone’s will was new.
“What do you hate the most about everything?”
“I think…
Never being wanted. I had chosen the world but the world didn’t choose me. The uncertainty I have of my own existence looms over everyday I sit with you guys. You accepted me but I wasn’t chosen. I prayed that even the moons would help me find a companion. It seems as if they didn’t entirely understand my plea. But maybe they know me better than I know myself. What do you hate the most?”
“Borders. They are always on the brink of something better and that’s for both parties on either side of it. Nobody wants to live in their own world.” Yves gave her a soft smile before continuing.
“I met a girl who wants to live in our world.” Olivia hitched her breath, looking towards the door. Her worst nightmare was their headmaster walking in on Yves’ confession. Yves continued with no hesitation even with the look on Olivia’s face.
“She doesn’t know what I actually look like. I feel like I lie to her but she loves the feeling of how Eden feels, I couldn’t imagine how. Here… it’s like they cut my wings. But I could stay here for centuries if I could see her look at me the way she did for the first time. I don’t think she would have the same look on her face if she knew who I really was... Is it trickery if the person wants to be fooled?”
“It still is. Maybe.” Yves opened her arms to Olivia to embrace the girl and her answer.
“They mustn’t have cut your wings, if you still found a way to fly.” Olivia spoke softly in her chest. The beating of Yves’ heart, that didn’t sound like a beast, it sounded like Yves welcomed herself as a person and anybody else.
“You must be the wind to my wings then.” Yves whispered.Yves had then pulled the book from under the covers and began reading to Olivia. Olivia finally realized the moons did answer her prayers.