Lost in the Darkness
I sat on the edge of my bed, clothed and ready to leave the castle. I had talked about it with Albus in my first week; today would be a day off for me. A day that used to be a celebratory day, was a day of mourning for me for years now. I was going to visit her again today, just like Christmas; this would be the first time on this very day since the funeral. I somehow was nervous about this, so now I was gathering all my strength. I had chosen not to attend breakfast; I had something delivered at my dorm, not really feeling like being in a crowd today.
I looked at the clock and lunchtime was about to start. Honestly I thought I would be at the graveyard right now. While sitting here I had thought about how fast the last couple months of this school year had flown by. That night that Severus had given me that bottle of sake was the only night he had called me by my first name and I was a little annoyed with that. After he said that I had hoped he would continue with that, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. Seriously what does it take to get on a first name base with that guy?
I also felt kind of sad there were only 2 weeks left of this year, I had grown very fondly of all my students and I hated that I already had to say goodbye to a few of them. I really needed to toughen up if I wanted to survive the ones that I would actually teach for 3 years. Applications were already in for the next year and they would take the test in a few days. Thankfully I had more time to grade them and this time I had a system right from the start.
I had also been busy for the last weeks with a search for a place to live during the big summer break. I knew some stayed here at the castle, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I wanted my own place, a second home to return to. Since I blew a hole in my emergency fund with some of my elaborate Christmas gifts, my options were limited. Still I didn’t regret buying them for even a second.
I looked back up at the clock again, letting out a deep breath. I really needed to get moving now, if I wanted to spend some time with her today. I pushed myself of the bed and put on my coat before leaving my dorm. I used one of the hidden passages I had discovered in my student years, to avoid any stray students or teachers that didn’t have class right now. It was a narrow and dark path and I was happy to see light glowing at the end of it. This passage way came out at the side of the castle, not frequently visited by others.
I pulled the hood over my head; ready to leave the property so I could apparate to my mother’s final resting place.
“Alyssa” I stood frozen to the ground hearing a familiar voice say my name. I slowly turned around, facing the headmaster and I didn’t like the look on his face.
“I’m sad to inform you that you can’t go there” My head started spinning hearing those words, my mouth fell open, but no words came out.
“Your last visit hasn’t gone by unnoticed and your father’s friends are keeping a close eye there now. If you go now, I can no longer guarantee your identity a secret. Nor can I guarantee your safety”
My eyes drifted to nowhere specifically as I fell completely numb. We stood there for a silent moment, neither of us moving. I slightly nodded as the reality of the situation sunk down.
“I’m very sorry I cannot help you” With those words he left wherever he came from, leaving me alone standing still like a statue. The numbness faded slowly as all kinds of emotions took over. Disappointment that I couldn’t visit my mom on her birthday and anniversary. Immense sadness for that same reason. Anger that the most powerful wizard in this world dropped this bomb on me and said he couldn’t do anything for me.
I started to wonder if it was more a matter of wouldn’t instead of couldn’t. I mean if he knew about the activity on that graveyard, why couldn’t he have figured out a way for me to still go there undetected. Hate was the next emotion to come up, hatred for those that prevented me to spent this day as close as I possibly could with her. The wind blew the hood of my head and still I moved no muscle. I felt utterly defeated right now and I wished Albus had told me sooner, before I got my hopes up.
I bald my fists as I tried to control every single feeling inside of me, preventing from coming out to the surface. Where do I go now? I didn’t want to be cooped up in my room all day, nor was it an option to retreat to my office; knowing I couldn’t focus on any work now. The castle was too busy, plus the music room wouldn’t be free until tonight. The spot at the black lake where I let up the lantern at Christmas was too much in sight during the day, so that wasn’t an option either. I have nowhere to go now...
I fought every urge to burst out in tears right now, not wanting to risk anyone seeing me break down. I just started walking, destination unknown. I had walked near the edges of the property, passed the Whomping Willow and had dangerously strolled on the edge of the forbidden forest. At some point I reached some higher ground. I walked towards the edge and looked at the castle from the distance. My eyes trailed down towards the black lake that reflected the castle slightly. My toes were almost over the edge of the cliff and I knew that one slip would make me fall down.
Right now, I didn’t care though. I felt the wind blowing harshly around me, covering my face with my hair every now and then. Being on that edge gave me a strange sense of adrenaline and it was a welcome emotion to all the darkness that was inside me right now. I looked up towards the bright blue sky and I wished it were dark so I could look at the stars; imagining one of them was my mother. While keeping my eyes up high, I took a few steps back and sat down on the rock I had passed walking towards the edge. I let my head fall into my hands for a moment before running my fingers through my hair.
I looked in front of me again; it wasn’t like this day was any different from all the years before. I never was able to visit her in the past decade, but something was different this time. After my visit during the holidays, I had gotten my hopes up that I could do it again today. I was stupid and naïve for thinking I could go there whenever I pleased. Of course my presence at the graveyard was noticed, I cleaned her damn headstone for god’s sake. Man did I feel stupid right now for doing that, or for the fact that I didn’t cover it back up before leaving.
If I had done that, maybe there would be no danger for me and Albus would have let me go. I still was pissed at that man for not telling me sooner. Obviously he knew that I went there on Christmas day and he knew exactly why I wanted today off, so why did that bastard not tell me sooner? Why wait and drop this bomb on an already highly emotional day? Not that it wouldn’t have hurt any less hearing that news, it would just have given me the opportunity to plan something else today. So that I wasn’t roaming the grounds like a zombie, like I did right now.
I was rubbing my hands while all these thoughts went through me and were slowly driving me to insanity. I hated feeling like this, feeling stuck in a situation I can’t get out. Irritated by myself for not seeing a solution for my problem. I pushed myself off the rock and started pacing, trying to shake off all of that was slowly suffocating me. I walked towards the edge again and just started screaming hoping to release everything. I screamed at the top of my lungs, sometimes screaming my mother’s name.
I let myself fall on my knees slightly out of breath, my eyes burning. As the first tears fell I covered my face and just let it all out. I was thankful for the fact that I was alone right now, so no one could see me in this weak state. There was a small possibility that someone that was outside could have heard me in the distance, but there was no way they could know it was me. I slammed my fists against the ground, while I was crying my eyes out. I screamed one last time and I started staring at nothing in particular as tears still streamed down my face.
I had sat at that spot, in that same way for I don’t know how long, when I noticed it was suddenly very dark around me. Damn, I must have been here for hours by now. I still wasn’t hungry though; I could never eat on this day for some reason. Hell I didn’t even finish my breakfast this morning; the plate was still half full in my dorm right now. I pushed myself off the ground, deciding to go back to the castle. By now the music room would be empty and I needed to surround myself with the love I shared with my mother.
I used the same hidden passageway to get back in and used a few more to get to the music room. I laid my ear on the door, first wanting to be sure no one was in there. When I heard nothing I carefully opened the door and was greeted with a dark and empty classroom. I quickly closed the door behind me and this time I locked it as well; not wanting to repeat what happened in the beginning of this year.
I had spent so much time in this classroom, but this was only my second time being here alone and just for myself. I walked straight towards the piano, but this time I left it covered. I sat down on the bench and looked towards the guitars. I knew which song I wanted to sing right now, I sung it for the last couple of years on this very day. This was the first time though I could add some instruments to it. I cast my mother’s spell and within seconds the guitars started playing.
“My hope is on fire
My dreams are for sale
I dance on a wire
I don’t want to fail her
I walk against the stream
Far from what I believe in
I run towards the end
Trying not to give in
She’s lost in the darkness
Fading away
I’m still around here
Screaming her name
She’s haunting my dream world
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I’m losing my mind
Help me, I’m buried alive
Buried alive
I’m burning the bridges
And there’s no return
I’m trying to reach her
I feel that she yearns
I walk against the stream
Far from what I believe in
I run towards the end
Trying not to give in
She’s lost in the darkness
Fading away
I’m still around here
Screaming her name
She’s haunting my dream world
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I’m losing my mind
Help me, I’m buried alive
Buried alive
The first tears fell and I heard the tremble in my own voice, but right now I wasn’t going for a perfect performance, I wanted to sing out my feelings.
I tried to revive what’s already drowned
They think I’m a fool
Can’t realize,
Hope plays a wicked game with the mind
‘Cause I thought that love would bind
I cannot revive what’s already drowned
She won’t come around
While the guitars played, I was preparing myself for the last part as my crying got worse by the second. I had my eyes closed, in a failed attempt to stop the tears.
She’s lost in the darkness
Fading away
I’m still around here
Screaming her name
She’s haunting my dreamworld
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I’m losing my mind
Help me, I’m buried alive
Buried alive
I opened my eyes as the last notes on the guitar played, feeling a little relieved to get it out this way. My head shot up when I thought I heard footsteps, but when nothing happened at the door, I decided to ignore it. It was probably just my slightly paranoid imagination. I sat still for just a few seconds, embracing the total silence around me. I took out the small pocket mirror I put in my coat this morning and checked my make-up. I was grateful I was smart enough to use waterproof, as the damage wasn’t as bad as I expected.
I fixed a few little smudges and I ran my fingers through my hair to make it look less messy. I took a deep breath, getting ready for my trip back to my dorm. I just hoped the hallway towards the hidden passage was clear, just like on my way in and if I did ran in to someone they wouldn’t notice my red puffy eyes. My hand lingered above the doorknob for a second while I let out a heavy breath. I unlocked it and left the classroom.
I kept my head low and a pretty quick pace wanting to get to my room unseen. Just when I was about to make a turn I noticed someone standing still. He was walking in the same direction as me, which could have meant the footsteps I heard inside had belonged to him. Severus and I made eye contact for a moment, before I simply nodded towards him. I forced a small smile on my face while I kept walking, not feeling like a conversation right now. I used the normal path, since I didn’t want him to see my sneaking routes for some reason.
As soon I was out of his sight, I used the hidden passage again, really not wanting to run into other colleagues that would start asking questions. I had no idea if Albus had told the rest of the staff that I would be absent today, I guess he would have, but would he have told the reason behind it? Since I had no interest in finding that out, I was happy I made it back to my dorm unseen. I leaned against the closed door, realizing I must have walked faster that I had intended since I was slightly out of breath.
I took of my coat, hanging it near the door before taking of my boots placing them underneath it. While braiding my hair I walked towards my fireplace, turning it on. I let myself fall on the couch and looked at my breakfast plate on the table. I grabbed a piece of dried out toast, but threw it back on the plate as I felt my stomach lock itself after taking one bite. I leaned my head back, closing my eyes enjoying the heat that came from the fire.
I was in a light slumber, when I heard something. I opened my eyes slowly and looked around me. There was the sound again, this time I recognized it as a knock on my door. I looked towards the clock, before looking towards my door; wondering who came to visit me this late. Again there was a knock, this time louder. I lounged myself from the couch with a big sigh, guessing that whoever was on the other side wasn’t giving up. I was a little surprised on who I saw on the other side and I didn’t really know what to say.
Without saying a word he walked passed me, he looked around for a second, before taking two glasses from an open cupboard. I just watched him as confusion was all over my face, still holding the open door. He walked towards my couch and placed the glasses down. He then filled them with some liquid, placing the bottle on the table after. I slowly closed the door as he sat down taking a glass of fire whiskey from the table.
Still a little confused on what he was doing here, I hesitantly walked back towards the couch. Sure I had done the same thing for him on Hallowe’en, but I knew (eventually) what that day would have meant for him. I never told him about this day and it made me wonder if Albus did. Which only made more questions pop up in my head. Did Albus just tell Severus? And did that mean that Severus had asked about where I was today? Since I thought it highly unlikely that Albus just told him that randomly. It also brought back the question about the footsteps I heard. Was it possible he heard me and assumed I was feeling sad and wanted to repay the favor?
My hand lingered on the edge of the couch as I looked towards the potions master. He sat there casually, one leg over the other, sipping out of his glass while staring towards the fire. I slowly sat down next to him, keeping my eyes on him and grabbed the other glass. I took a sip, slowly averting my eyes to the fire as well. It felt a little awkward him being in here, nobody besides me had ever been in here. It’s not that I didn’t want him here; I liked hanging out with him. I just imagined the first time him visiting me here differently, mostly me in a better mood.
After the first glass, I felt more relaxed and I let him refill it after refilling his own. Just like the night in his office, no word was said. I honestly didn’t know what to say and he just kept staring into the fire, I guess he didn’t know either. Still the longer he was here, the less awkward it felt. It actually felt quite nice having some company, even the silent one. Did he felt the same way, when I was there for him? I always knew he wasn’t a man of words, but still I never expected him to come here tonight as well. Could I take this as a sign of our growing friendship? Or did he felt obligated to do it? Returning the favor? An answer I will probably not get any time soon, I feared. The evening continued like this, until somewhere far past midnight Severus had returned to his room and I fell asleep on the couch afterwards.
The last two weeks went by in a heartbeat and I felt kind of sad that this year was over already. The 7th years that I had in my class all came up to me, thanking for introducing this to them. Also expressing that they wished they could have followed the full course. I had said my goodbyes to the other staff members and most us went our own way. Right now I was staying in a small hotel room, which was filled with personal belongings. Today I was going to look at a house that Albus recommended for me.
It was in the muggle town Cokeworth, I’ve never been here before though it sounded a little familiar. Not that I saw much from England except my own childhood home. I mean I grew up in a pretty large mansion and we were either at friends of my parents or they were at ours. I had always been around rich people, but I never really cared for the money. Sure it came in handy sometime and I always had the newest stuff, but I would trade that all in a heartbeat if that meant growing up in a poor but happy family.
I grabbed the map of the town, before leaving the Railview Hotel. I didn’t want to waste any money on a cab, so I had decided to walk. Besides walking was a good way of getting to know the town a little better. It didn’t took me long to notice that every street looked pretty much the same, which made it very confusing and made me very happy I brought a map. There was just one thing I didn’t count on and that was the gathering of dark clouds above my head. After the first raindrops fell, I regretted not bringing an umbrella.
I pulled the hood of my coat over my head, but it started to pour down so hard that my coat was drenched. The paper map in my hand got soaked in seconds and was worthless now. I didn’t want to risk using magic and be seen by muggles so I threw it away. In the pouring rain I kept on walking, hoping that I remembered the right street and the streets around them properly. I felt the water leak through my coat and I really cursed myself right now for leaving my umbrella at the hotel. I didn’t want to go back to hotel because I had been so far in to the town already and I didn’t want to travel all this distance more than necessary.
The rain softened, not that it mattered since I was soaking wet already, when I came across a street sign that sounded really familiar.
‘Spinner’s End’
It wasn’t the street I was supposed to be, but it still felt so familiar. I stood there debating whether to go on guessing my way to the appointment or go look for some help here. I chose the latter.
I knocked on several doors, not getting any responses, still I wasn’t ready to give up yet. I was just glad I always planned ahead so I would have enough time to get to my appointments even if there was a delay of some sort. The combination of the wet clothes that clung to my body and nobody answering their door made me pretty frustrated. I was at the last house on the street and let out a sigh as I knocked on the door, not expecting an answer as well. A splash of hope came over me as I heard footsteps on the other side and a smile appeared on my face as the door slowly opened.
I opened my mouth, wanting to say how glad I was someone finally answered the door, but no words came out as I stood face to face with the resident. The raven haired man, had one eyebrow raised as I stared at him in surprise.
“Severus? I didn’t know you lived here?” I eventually blurred out. He crossed his arms as he looked at my soaked form from top to bottom.
“I have an appointment to look at the house here in the neighborhood, that Albus recommend. When all of the sudden it started to pour and I got lost after my map became useless” I admitted, feeling pretty embarrassed about how stupid I must look in his eyes right now.
He rolled his eyes before taking a step to the side and gesturing me to come in. I hesitated for a second, but I still took the offer craving a place to dry up and fixing my appearance before I went to my maybe new home. I nodded towards him and muttered a ‘thank you’ while I passed him. As soon as he closed the door behind me I noticed how narrow and dark the hallway was. I snapped my fingers, feeling comfortable enough to use magic and I felt every piece of clothing drying up. It was his turn to pass me and I silently followed him.
“So where is this house you’re going to view?” He said as we entered his small sitting room.
“Mill’s End” I said as I took of my thin summer coat. I held it in front of me as I looked around, curious towards every single book that covered the walls. I hadn’t noticed he had been gone until he returned handing me an old looking mug filled with tea.
“Thank you” I said smiling, accepting the hot liquid. He simply pointed towards a threadbare sofa before he sat down in an old armchair.
I sat down, laying the coat next to me as I wrapped my hands around the mug. Even though it was summer, after being stuck in that downfall, my hands felt really cold.
“What time do you have to be there?” He asked before sipping his own tea. I looked at my wristwatch that I had turned so the clock part was on the inside of my wrist.
“I still have like 35 minutes until I have to be there” I said smiling towards him. He nodded before setting down his cup on a side table next to him.
“It’s only a 5 minute walk from here” He stated and I chuckled at the fact on how close I came on my own.
Still, chances were I wouldn’t have made in time if I had walked around aimlessly in this neighborhood where every house looked like the other.
“Why didn’t you use a protective charm on your map?” He asked, while it looked like he was studying my every move.
“I never use magic in the muggle world, only when it’s absolutely necessary. Life or death situations where I’m left with absolutely no other choice. I hardly used any magic when I lived in Japan, just some small spells like drying myself after being caught in a rain storm and even that happened rarely.”
My gaze drifted towards the table Severus had put his cup on and I noticed a familiar book, which made my smile grow bigger.
“Do you like it?” I said pointing towards it, before taking another sip. He looked towards the book I pointed at and shrugged.
“It’s interesting” He drawled and I nodded.
“It really is, I remember not being able to put it down when I first read that book” I responded before finishing my beverage.
We had talked about the book, passing the time until I had to go. I had offered to cook for him as a thank you before I left, he didn’t really accept nor decline that offer. I ended up accepting the house, since it was my last option that was available right away. Plus the owner knew about the wizarding world, since he was a wizard himself, so the payment could easily be handled in wizarding coins instead of me having to figure out to earn enough muggle money to pay rent.
It was a small, neglected house, but it was a roof over my head. After a few days of thoroughly cleaning and decorating, it looked similar to my old home. The walls and floors where not even close to the Japanese architecture, still with my furniture it looked a lot less dark and gloomy. Perhaps in time I would have enough money to buy a house, maybe another or maybe this one and fix it up to however I wanted it. For now this was enough for me. Still I wondered if Albus had planned for me to live close to Severus, if so... to what end? Or had it been purely coincidental that there was an affordable house for me in this part of town.
The song I used for this chapter: