Tears In The Snow
Some time had passed and the second Quidditch match was a little more successful for me than the first one had been. This time I hadn’t embarrassed myself and I didn’t ask too many dumb questions. It was a pretty close match; Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw were pretty much tied during the game. After an intense battle between both seekers, the victory went to Ravenclaw. I felt a little less uncomfortable in comparison to the first match, but still didn’t get the hype.
Things were getting better between Severus and me as well. I even graded my papers in his office, me wanting company and he didn’t mind. It’s not like we talked much that night, it was still nice to be in his presence. I think I even heard a small chuckle out of his mouth when I was being clumsy and spilled my inkbottle all over the graded papers. He was clearly getting more comfortable around me and that made me glad.
I was in my classroom; it was the last class before the holidays. The 6th and 7th year students were practicing the defensive spells I thought them in the last couple of weeks. Just like the 5th years, they had made tremendous progress and I couldn’t be prouder. I clapped my hands once, as a sign that I wanted their attention.
“First of all, great job everyone! I’m really pleased with all the progress you have made so far,” I said with a smile, before pushing myself off of my desk.
“Now, I want to do something different. A little treat before the holiday break” I waved my hand and all the training dummies except 1 disappeared.
“I want you all to stand in a big circle around the dummy. We’re going to play a little game” I said with a grin and all the students eagerly stood around the object. I stepped into the circle and laid my hand on its shoulder.
“Within a few moments, I will spell this dummy to attack. If it comes your way, use one of the spells I thought you to keep it at a distance and make it go to someone else” I snapped my fingers and circles appeared around the students.
“If the dummy enters your circle before you can do a counter attack, you’ll loose and you’re out of the game. Last one standing wins” I looked around the circle.
“Any questions?” And I saw one hand going up.
“Is there a price?” He asked hesitantly and it made me chuckle before nodding.
“There is,” I said with a grin.
“Everyone ready?” I asked after leaving the circle and all of them nodded. I counted down from 3 to 1 and hexed the dummy to go in full attack mode. The game went pretty well for the first few minutes, every student fully focused. Once one fell, more quickly followed until there were 2 left. A Ravenclaw and a Slytherin. Next to me stood the fallen students, cheering them on. It was a close call, but victory went to the blond Ravenclaw girl. I applauded, with the rest of the class, while I went towards my desk.
I pulled out a little package with different holiday candies and handed it to her.
“Your price” I said and she eagerly accepted.
“And on top of that. 5 points for Ravenclaw” She and her housemates cheered and I just looked at their happiness.
“You guys made this a truly exciting game. Keep up the good work, all of you” I said, looking at each of my students.
“For those who go home for the break. Happy Christmas, enjoy the New Year celebrations and I’ll see you soon! Class dismissed”
The students left the classroom and I turned around, cleaning up everything from this class.
“No homework? You’re just as soft as the rest” A monotone deep voice came from behind me. I just shrugged while I kept on going.
“They have worked their butts of the last couple of weeks, they deserve a break,” I said while putting away the dummies in the closet. I walked towards my desk, turning towards Severus while I leaned against it.
“Like I said... soft” He drawled while he came inside. He looked around my classroom while he walked closer towards me.
“So, now the first half of the year is finished. Still believe you were set up for failure?” he asked standing a few feet in front of me and I just chuckled, remembering the day I said that.
“I take those words back,” I said shaking my head.
“It’s been really great, the students are progressing so much and I really enjoy seeing them grow” I said a proud smile taking over my face, he simply nodded while he kept his hand neatly folded in front of him.
“I couldn’t have done this without you, so thank you. For all the help the last couple of months.” I said keeping eye contact with the man in front of me.
“I also made it a little easier on myself next year. I have discussed it with Albus and decided that the students wanting to sign up will take the test at the end of their fourth year. Meaning I have the full summer break to grade them if needed” I said ending with a chuckle.
“I still owe you a favor though, made up your mind yet on what that will be?” He just shook his head.
“You will know, when the time is there” And now it was my time to simply nod.
“Well, let’s grab some dinner then, I don’t know about you but I’m starving”
A few days has passed, I had spent most of that time grading the last tests and papers for my class. I wanted that to be done before the holidays arrived, that way I could spend the last couple of days of the break preparing the new classes. Today I traveled to Diagon Alley and I sure wasn’t the only one there. I guess more people were doing last minute gift shopping on Christmas Eve. Last night I got the urge to buy a few of my coworkers a small gift as a thanks for all their help the last couple of months. I had told Albus that I needed to do some errands, not wanting to spoil the surprise.
I had acquired 3 out of the 4 gifts, Minerva and Albus were the easiest ones. I bought a nice bottle of Scottish Whiskey for the Scottish Woman. For the headmaster I had found the most adorable set of 3 pairs of phoenix themed socks, something I remembered from my meetings with that man when I was younger; he was the happiest with the simplest things. It took me a while to find something for Filius, since I hardly knew the man. Still since he had been a great and friendly help for me since the beginning I felt determined to find him a great gift. I eventually found a dueling robe with details in the colors of his Hogwarts House; Ravenclaw.
I had visited every store around here and still I was clueless on a gift for Severus. Even though I had dressed for the cold snow that was covering every inch of the outside world right now, I was starting to get cold. I stopped in my tracks when I walked across the entry of Knockturn Alley, I knew there was a store there that sold dark and rare objects; I’d been there with my father a few times before my 7th year. After making sure my hood was still covering most of my face, I walked towards the store.
I stepped inside Borgin and Burkes, keeping my hood on just in case the owners would recognize my eyes. My eyes scanned every item that I came across, still not really sure what I was looking for. I was careful not to touch anything, not knowing what some of the objects were capable of; just like my father thought me. I stood in front of a row of old and dusty books and recognized one of them. I had seen a copy, in similar state a couple years ago, not really sure where.
The book described important details of the Dark Arts, not only showing the bad parts. The owner let me borrow the book for a couple of days and it was truly fascinating. Sure the practice and the outcome of Dark Arts are vile and pure evil, the determination and strength required by the witch or wizard was remarkable. It also told about some rare cases that these hexes and potions helped saving innocent lives by exterminating the guilty ones. I saw the price tag and there was no way I was going to pay THAT much for it.
It didn’t take long before one of the owners, who came out of nowhere, walked up to me.
“Interested in something Miss?” I just pointed towards the book.
“That’s not what I’m paying for it, if you really want to sell it” I said in a lower tone than I usually talked.
“That’s a fair price for such a rare book Miss” he insisted and I scoffed.
“Are you assuming I’m a fool?! Just because a book isn’t published anymore doesn’t make it rare.” I knew it was a rare book, I just refused to pay that amount from someone who probably paid way less for it.
A small silence fell between us for a few seconds, while I still kept my looking towards the book.
“What did you have in mind?” He asked reluctantly.
“50%” I simply stated, without moving a muscle.
“You must be out of your mind!” Clearly insulted by my first offer.
“Take 40% off. That’s my final bid, take it or I will find it elsewhere” And again silence fell between us, I turned on my heels ready to leave the place. While I made a few steps towards the exit the owner spoke.
“Deal”
A small grin appeared on my face, as my plan worked out just the way I liked it. I took out the right amount of coins out of a small pouch that hung on my waist. I placed the coins on the shelve underneath it and took the book with me.
“Thank you” I muttered before leaving the shop, walking in one straight line out of the alley never lifting my head. For once I was grateful that my father took me with him to that place, teaching me how to deal with the greedy owners.
Christmas morning arrived and after an elaborate breakfast with all the students that stayed behind I went back to my room. I sat on the ground in front of the couch putting the final touches on the presents. I looked at them pretty pleased with the wrapping style I picked up in Japan, it gave just the extra touch that I wanted. I looked at the clock and hurried myself back up. I gathered the gifts in a bag and grabbed my coat, scarf and gloves on the way out. After playing Santa I had one last place I needed to go, somewhere I haven’t been in way too long.
I went to Albus his office first giving him his gift, he was flashing me a big smile before I left him so he could unpack his gift. Minerva and Filius were together in the great hall and both were surprised that I got them something. Saying it wasn’t necessary and that they felt a little bad for not having something in return. I reassured them that it was a simple thank you for welcoming me so warmly and all the help they provided with my class. The last person on my list seemed a little harder to find.
I walked in a speedy space through the castle, looking for the man with raven black hair. I had checked his office, classroom and I even knocked on his dorm. I was about to give up for now, and just give it to him tonight; since I was in kind of a rush so I could be back in time for the Christmas feast. That’s when I saw him walking in the hallway.
“Severus! Wait!” I yelled, he turned around while I ran towards him.
“You’re a hard man to find” I said with a big smile once I stood in front of him. I reached inside my bag for his gift while he waited there in silence.
With the gift in my hand I looked back up, as always a straight look on his face.
“A little thanks for all you’ve done for me the last couple months” He raised an eyebrow while accepting the carefully packed gift. Something above his head caught my eye and I realized what it was. I immediately grabbed his arm and pulled him with me while I took a step back. He looked like he was about to yell in my face and I simply pointed towards the growing mistletoe.
“Magic Mistletoe, you don’t want to get stuck underneath that” I said, with a soft smile.
“Anyway, Merry Christmas!” I said, before walking towards the main exit in a hurry. Leaving Severus behind, without giving him a chance to say anything.
I stood between the trees on the edge of my destination, I was a little scared and afraid someone kept an eye on this place for my father. After keeping an eye on the place for a good half hour, I didn’t saw any sign of danger. Carefully I made my first steps in the thin layer of snow that covered these grounds. There was a pretty big contrast difference with Hogwarts, since those grounds were completely covered and surrounded by thick layers of the ice cold white. I felt a little lost at first, since the last time I was here I was just 17 years old; still believing the lie my father told me. With the help of Dumbledore I learned the truth during my final year.
I kept my hair and part of my face hidden behind my scarf and underneath the hood of my thick black coat. I felt like I was getting closer, while passing fresh flowers and clean pieces of earth. At the end of this row I found my destination, my eyes burning the closer I got. With one of my gloved hands I wiped away the snow and dirt of the marble while I slowly leaned down.
“Hey Mom” I muttered while I kept wiping, revealing the script of the tombstone.
‘A loving wife and mother, left us way to soon’
My eyes kept scanning those words, while anger filled inside of me. She didn’t leave us... She was taken away from me, on her own birthday by the hands of my father. My fingers were itching to change those words into the truth, while I tried to fight that urge with all that was inside me.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to visit you... but I’m here now on your favorite Holiday” My voice was starting to tremble and a huge lump formed in my throat.
“I’m sorry for calling you a coward, when the man responsible made me believe you had ended it... leaving me alone with him...”
The first tears burned the edges of my eyes, while I looked up for a second trying to keep it all in. My eyes went back down, my hand resting on top of the cold stone. My body trembled and I let myself fall on my knees; immediately soaking my jeans.
“I should have known from the start you would never do that to me. Please forgive me mom. I know the truth now...” I put my free hand in front of my mouth, muffling the sobs while I let it all out.
“I miss you so much...” I muttered while I completely broke down, feeling my heart break all over again. Letting every bit of guilt, sadness and anger I had taken with me for all those years finally out.
I leaned my head against the hand that was in contact with the marble while the other went down touching the frozen ground. I closed my eyes, tears still streaming down my face as I tried to remember her warm arms around me. The warm arms that embraced me just before I went back to school after the Holidays. Not knowing it would be the last time she held me like that, the last time I saw her alive. I had send her a letter a day before her birthday and instead of reply from her I got called towards Dumbledore’s office; my father waiting for me there to take me home after he told me she killed herself.
I had lost all hope and just gave in to the wishes of my father. If it weren’t for the headmaster, my life would have been so different right now. I probably would have ended up in the cell next to my father in Azkaban or I would be death as well. After realizing that man had lied to me, Dumbledore agreed to help me finish the plan my mother had for me. On my last day at school, he had asked me if I was sure about leaving; asking me if I wouldn’t stay and fight. I just couldn’t, I was just too afraid of not being strong enough to survive it.
Slowly I felt the cold taking over and I noticed it was getting darker. It took more effort than expected pushing myself of the ground. I stood there looking down at the badly maintained grave for just a moment longer.
“I’ll come back soon. I love you mom” I said, a small smile appearing on my face for a second, thinking about the next time I planned to visit her. I secured my hood and scarf one last time before taking my time leaving the graveyard. I knew I stayed here way longer than I intended and the feast probably started any minute now. So I was in no rush to return to the castle, besides no matter how much I loved the food that was served; I didn’t feel like eating or be festive anyway.
It was completely dark by the time I got back at Hogwarts and I just went in for a moment to grab something from my room. I did warm and dry my clothes and body when I was in. Even though it was pretty useless since I was already walking outside again. I was walking around every piece of the grounds surrounding the castle, before finally setting on a good spot. I stood next to a big tree close to the frozen black lake. The moon was barely visible, but in combination with the bright white glimmering snow, the view was beautiful.
I leaned my back against the tree while I unfolded the sky lantern that I took out of my room. I always bought one when Christmas was around the corner and when it was almost her birthday. Since my mother had always been my light in this sometimes sick dark world, I lit one every year on these days to honor what she was for me. I started the little flame, staring at it while its warmth filled the fragile paper. It was a pastel blue and purple color, just like my hair, with silver letters spelling out her name.
After letting go of the floating sky lantern I let myself glide down the tree, not caring about the cold snow on the ground as I kept my eyes on the light in front of me soaring higher. I pulled my knees towards my body, letting my head rest on top of it.
“Merry Christmas, mom” I whispered while watching the small light surrounded by the pitch-black sky. Behind me I heard the snow cracking, letting me know someone was walking towards me, I just didn’t care enough to look back wanting to watch the lantern until it completely disappeared.
“You missed the feast” a low drawl behind me, recognizing who was behind me.
“I know” I simply stated, my eyes still glued to the sky.
“You’ll get sick staying out here in the snow like that”
“I know” I repeated in the same way, as I watched a mere dot in the sky.
“I just need a little longer,” I whispered, not even sure if he heard me. I guess he did, since he just stood there and stayed silent in this moment. As the lantern had completely disappeared in the night sky, I pushed myself back up; I held on to the tree to stabilize my body.
I looked up and noticed Severus was a lot closer than he sounded, wondering if he came closer when I had some trouble getting up from the frozen snow covered ground.
“I’m ready to go inside now,” I said with a small smile and he just shook his head. While we made our way back to the castle, I started to notice the toll the cold had taken on my body. I was trembling in my wet clothes and every muscle felt stiff. Once inside I tried to cast the spell to dry myself up, but it didn’t work. I guess my body was too worn out to perform even the simplest form of magic.
Suddenly a wave of warmth covered my body and I saw Severus waving his wand around me.
“Thank you” I said, revealing a small smile again while a little embarrassed I needed help with that. Walking through the hallways of the castle I noticed how empty it was, I guess I was out longer than I thought. The feast was still going on when I returned, but it would explain why my body was fighting me so much right now. I was a bit curious why Severus was still walking with me, he got me inside; why bother to accompany me towards my dorm.
Was he concerned about me? Or was he simply going to bed as well? We had reached his door first and that was where he stopped. I muttered another thank you and a good night before making my way towards my own door.
“Warm yourself up or you won’t be able to sleep again” I heard him say behind me. I looked over my shoulder.
“I will” I said nodding before we both went inside. I hung my coat and scarf on one of my hooks and placed the gloves on the little table next to it.
I walked towards the fireplace and started it, warming up my room. I went straight towards the shower after that, dumping my clothes in the hamper before stepping underneath the running water. Every inch of my body tingled as the warmth of the liquid washed over me and I just stood there waiting for it to go away. With my eyes closed, every image of today passed through my mind, processing everything I had done.
With my hair wrapped in a towel, a long silk bathrobe and my house slippers I walked back towards to warming living room. Just when I was about to sit down, with a drink I poured myself, I heard a soft knock on my door. While checking if my bathrobe was covering all of my body I made my way towards it. I opened the door not seeing anyone and I was confused for a second if I heard it correctly. When I was about to close the door again, I noticed something floating in the air. A silver platter with a rather large piece of chocolate cake and a cup of chocolate pudding.
A huge smile crept on my face as I looked towards Severus’s closed door, something inside me telling that he had something to do with this. I took the plate out of the air and walked back towards my couch and drink; closing the door behind me. I curled up on the couch, covering myself with a big soft fleece blanket while taking small bites of the dessert. My body slowly started to feel normal again, just a bit tired. My stomach was also extremely happy right now, since this was the first thing I ate since breakfast. After taking the last bite, I changed the plate for my glass of fire whiskey and snuggled even deeper underneath the soft warm fabric gazing at the burning fire in front of me.