Yearning V. Learning
The walk back was silent
Hyunju couldn’t remember when the tears ended, She couldn’t tell when exactly youngmi was walking with her back to their respective bunks
But she was aware of the blanket wrapping around her body, placed lightly on top of her by the shorter woman
Youngmi kept her gaze away from her, for the sake of her promise.
Hyunju still stole glances of her eyes and face, although she had to admit that was a bit hypocritical…
She was ushered to lay down, A small whisper slipping through as youngmi smiled lightly
“Please sleep?..if you need something.. i’ll be-“
Hyunju Felt her body weaken against the partially soft bed.
Letting her thoughts sink lower and lower, she could have slept right at that moment.
But she wanted to wait, just until youngmi was out of sight
..but that didn’t feel right either..
Hyunju shuffled in her bed, Eyes flickering from the lightly lit features that she could barely make out-
Unsurprisingly, Youngmis tracksuit had gotten dirty on the shoulder. Splotches of dark hue (presumably from her eyeliner) Stained it..
She was also fiddling with the cloth of youngmis blanket, As if adjusting it for whatever reason
But hyunju couldn’t see much else.
It was probably the lack of sleep.
Most likely the fact she had gone through a panic attack- something she hasn’t experienced since at least two years ago.
She wondered..
What expression did youngmi have right now?
Disgust?.. Disappointment? Maybe even pity.
..hyunju shivered
And another whisper was heard
“..are you still cold?..”
she froze, Glancing to under the covers before nodding slightly
For gods sake i feel like a child…
There was a sudden pause as youngmi was contemplating of what to do
To be fair, she wasn’t really expecting any of this…
Hyunju was just so.. Good at being seen as- inspiring… and kind..
Not to mention heroic..
But that seems close minded-
After all, Hyunju is a person after all
An amazing person at that.. Twice the person youngmi would ever be for sure-
And here she was.. Hyunju, vulnerable..
was it selfish to feel a bit giddy about this?
Oh god that sounds so wrong.
…But it’s true…?.
She had to be honest, Hyunju has helped her many times already. The least youngmi can do is return the favor
She wanted to get to know her after all..
But the last thing she wants is to mess this up. So if hyunju felt uncomfortable or uneasy around her- she had to fix it
Youngmi brought a hand to hyunjus shoulder, Massaging lightly in order to provide a smidge of warmth
There was just something so captivating about it…
She promised she wouldn’t look.
She wouldn’t want hyunju to become overwhelmed
Under the covers, A hand rose up as the blanket slowly lifted and fell
A small squeeze was felt against youngmis hand
along with a cold touch came that honey sweet voice
but she couldn’t hear it-
Hyunju buried her head in the covers as she squeezed again
This time, youngmi responded with a tilt of the head and another whisper
“..unnie?”
She used her other hand to slowly brush the older woman’s bangs away, parting them so maybe she’d be able to speak up a bit more
however, That was a mistake.
As eyes met and flickered away just as quickly.
There was something so serene about this moment, A comforting but dangerous silence.
hyunju didn’t let go yet. At the same time, Youngmi didn’t move an inch.
And for one moment, It felt right, but as seconds passed by- the silence became more weary
As if either one were to say something, it would ruin this blissful moment
…
But it couldn’t last forever after all.
“Unnie.. i’ll see you-“
“stay…”
there was a pause
but their eyes still haven’t met.
“..what?”
“Stay..”
“…”
“…”
She felt another squeeze, that basically set it in stone
Hyunju didn’t move her hand once, But all she needed to do was move back, The bed was small but big enough to at least provide two people with space.
Yet eyes never met.
There were only small glances.
The position wasn’t awkward. In a strange way it even felt comfortable.
Simply laying down gazing up at the bed frame above her, Youngmi steadied her breathing
Meanwhile hyunju was sleeping on where side. It was more comfortable that way, Her back would end up straining in the morning anyways..
Which is why not being able to look made it harder-
youngmi already struggled enough talking to people, So she isn’t sure where she’s getting the strength to do any of this..
But she sure as hell wasn’t going to move now..
Not to say she wasn’t comfortable..
And being next to hyunju wasn’t exactly new..
It was just different.
But that’s okay. It actually felt.. Kinda nice-
“..can we pick up.. where we left off?..”
She opened her eyes again, This time having to force herself not to look
“hm?..”
Hyunju muttered it once more under her breath
“before.. the others came up to us.. you were talking about that cafe…And reading…”
She stuttered with her words as she spoke
“o-oh right.. You..still want to talk about that?”
A softer whisper was heard
“Yes..if it’s alright with you youngmi..or we can sleep if you’d like…”
In reality, Hyunju didn’t really need a distraction. Honestly she just wanted to hear her voice.
Staring just felt- like too much right now.
But that voice..
“well..i like fiction..”
There was a small pause as if youngmi was waiting for some type of protest to their conversation
“…specifically um..fantasy..or sometimes those stories about people being transported to other worlds and stuff..”
Hyunju smiled slightly
“I like reading too.. granted, it’s not my strong suit.. i prefer writing..”
“what books do you like unnie?..”
Youngmi still gazed at the bed frame
But hyunju? She shared fleeting glimpses of youngmi. She never noticed it before but youngmi had soft eyes when she talked.. not like how when she smiles, She smiles with her eyes
“it’s a little childish..”
a small giggle was heard
“more childish than fantasy..?”
“i don’t think fantasy is childish”
Another pause
“.. i like…um..young adult romance books..”
Hyunju felt a twinge of embarrassment, what was even more unsettling was the fact that youngmi hadn’t said anything yet
There was a shuffle as hyunju spoke again
“Well- It was when i was younger and i was curious-“
“about what?”
She felt her face burn slightly
A small giggle heard as youngmi yawned
“I…liked the over dramatic love stories.. I’m sure it’s not a surprise but-“
Hyunju clenched the blanket firmly
“I’m not exactly the type to enjoy spotlight.. But.. when i read books like that..? i liked to daydream about it..how things could be..”
youngmi could see it relatively clearly, a small second of silence was enough to fuel her imagination
.
Hyunju in one of those pretty dresses that you see in the movies..In the rain, waiting for whatever man would sweep her off her feet. It seemed to fit her really well..
But hyunju only saw it at that, a dream.
“-even if I haven’t been in a relationship like that..I really do wonder if it would feel the same as when I read those books..”
When the topic of relationships came up, youngmi felt her chest tighten a bit. A subtle inhale was heard as hyunju shuffled a bit more. Their position was still opposite of each other, Youngmi tilted her head to the right a bit, cause hyunju to look under the covers. And when hyunju would tilt her head, youngmi would take the time to look to the left as to not risk meeting eyes. But hyunju noticed a small tremble of youngmis lower lip
And at that point, she just felt compelled to ask.
“Youngmi? Have you ever been in a relationship?”
There was a beat of silence, Youngmi tilted her head a bit more to the left, to look farther away and hide her face. But she still spoke timidly
“Yes”
It was a short answer, a tell sign that youngmi would probably like to leave it at that.
And so, hyunju did leave it alone.
What felt like seconds of silence turned into minutes, hyunju was already so tired,but she watched the monotone tempo of youngmis breathing. You had to squint your eyes to see it but even something as simple of breathing was done so softly…
Her eye lids felt heavy, the warmth of the bed and the slight share of body heat was a comfort she hadn’t felt in months maybe even years.
So she wanted to stay up as long as she could to hold onto this fleeting moment
Just a little longer..
Just for tonight.. she could at least let herself have this fleeting moment.
~~~
SHOOM
The next day in the dorms.
The blinding white lights flashed into everyone’s eyes, a constant reminder of what game could lead to life or death, but this time, it was the decision of wether or not we would be leaving at all.
Hyunju couldn’t hear the murmuring of the other players, some good mornings and groans due to a possible lack of sleep. Some players took the initiative of wanting to be the first ones to go to the bathroom.
She rubbed her eyes with her free hand limply as she attempted to turn over and stretch, she was right about one thing- her back was hurting.
She groaned in response, instead of getting up, she would settle for a minute of recollecting her thoughts-
“Good morning…”
There was a shuffle underneath her, and hyunju almost jumped at the feeling of a hand brushing up against her shoulder, she also noticed that her own right hand couldn’t move at all-
She took a glance down, eyes widening slightly at the shorter girl beside her
Or well, better wording would be the shorter girl wrapped around her.
She couldn’t remember when it happened or if it happened over night. limbs linked together as youngmis hands clung onto hyunjus tracksuit sweater. Judging by Hyunjus right hand placed neatly underneath youngmis body, it must’ve been an unknowing action that hyunju had done herself last night.
The second thing she noticed was how youngmi looked
Youngmi rubbed her eyes as she yawned, her hair was a mess. Sprawled out with strands poking in and out.
The eyeliner left over on her track suit had managed to even stain the bed sheets, not that Hyunju particularly minded. Youngmis eyes were barely open, tired as she tried to shuffle into a better position but still was clinging to what she was unknowingly grabbing.
But Hyunju remembered she was supposed to say something
“..morning..Did you sleep well..?”
Ther was another shuffle before Youngmi opened her eyes, a sudden change in demeanor occurred as she darted her eyes back and forth to her hands and where she was. And just like that, Youngmi scrambled upwards, placing her hands up and nearly falling off the bed
“S-sorry..I didn’t mean too-“
“Oh um- no youngmi it was actually my fault- i think it just..happened overnight- I don’t think either of us could have noticed”
She tried keeping her tone the same. Although there was a small flash of red on youngmis face, it was most likely from embarrassment, the poor girl nodded as she fiddled with her zipper
A beat of silence past before she answered
“I slept..good”
This time, it was hyunjus turn to nod, she was still under the covers sitting up as a small laugh was heard behind them
“Good morning you two! Please tell me you got some sleep?”
Player 149 and her son walked up, Young-sik rubbed at his eyes blinking repeatedly as he cleaned his glasses.
“Oh uh..”
Youngmi glanced away as hyunju nodded
“Yes we slept well.”
Young-sik yawned as he glanced over to them
“Ah youngmi, you must’ve woken up earlier no? How did you get here so fast?”
Hyunju looked over to the shorter girl as she still looked off to the side, ears turning a light hue of pink.
Geum-ja titled her head a bit. Smiling preemptively before eyes widened slightly, she took another glance to hyunju before gasping for a second
“-ma? You okay?-“
Young-sik was pushed along towards the direction of the bathroom
“Mom!- what did i d-!”
“Just go on to the bathrooms! And dont take too long so we can get in line for breakfast..and make sure you wash your face! I’ll see you afterwards!”
“Mom!-“
“Shush shush go!”
He was hurried along as both girls still sat on the bed
Geum-ja turned around once more, taking a look at both girls before clasping her hands together
“Youngmi?”
She stuttered
“Y-yes?”
“Did you?…”
She pointed down to hyunjus bed, The taller woman was now looking down, a small wave of embarrassment washing over her
But it was almost a little enjoyable, not to mention the way youngmi brought her hands up to explain
“No!- wait yes- yes i did but-“
Geum-ja’s mouth stayed agape as she nodded and flickered lances to both girls
“Oh I see!- okay okay- just making sure!- you two are old enough to-… Yes! Well im hoping you two got to sleep well for once! It’s always important to get a good nights sleep!- now- ah-“
“I was the one who asked her to stay. We only stayed up for a bit i think.. sorry youngmi”
She felt her posture straightened
“What? Oh no! No no- it was nice! It was um- it was ah..probably the best I’ve slept wince we got here- and um no need to- apologize..”
Youngmis hair was still a mess, a strand falling in front of her face as geum-ja nodded extending her hands
“Well- we better get ready right? Im sure it’ll be good to get the day started- the sooner we get ready the sooner we vote!-“
Youngmi nodded up and down
“-and the sooner we vote, the sooner we can leave”
Hyunju stood up, flashing a smile as Youngmi followed suit
Geum-ja smiled back and nodded
“And of course we can all meet up or dinner..its almost over, i can feel it!”
Hyunju couldn’t let herself become hopeful, in light of it all, if she were to become excited or hopeful, the possibility of being disappointed might be too much to bear.
She glanced over to youngmi, a bright smile one her face and twinge of fear, but the brightness overwhelmed it.
“Then let’s go!”
even though hyunju had gotten out of bed,
the cold air in the dorm was replaced with this fragile warmth.
~~~
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..
…
Youngmi didn’t bother to talk to the other competitors too much.. Mainly because she didn’t have the social skills to communicate all too well..
Not to mention most of the conversations she’s had were with people in other challenges, and most of the time it was to politely tell Youngmi that they didn’t need another player in their group.
After all at first glance, youngmi isn’t strong looking. She quiet and timid. She knew that, but it still hurt to be rejected like that.
Youngmi took a look at hyunju, they decided to sit and wait with the others until the voting process would begin again, breakfast was served a while ago but she wasn’t particularly hungry.. She never really ate breakfast anyways.
Perks of getting used to skip meals after being broke for so long…
She looked up at the piggy bank raised up in the ceiling, with that amount of money.. not only could she pay off her debts…she could also afford a real meal for once..
Okay..maybe a meal shouldn’t be one of her first thoughts..After all.. She still needs to find a place too live-
“Hey, aren’t you going to eat youngmi?… you only drank water so far..”
Hyunju was sitting a step below her, turning around to face her, After last night, not being able to look her in the eyes, the stare was almost too sudden.
But hyunju still looked really pretty.. It was kind of cool how she managed to get her bangs to look great even in here.. and her skin was clear too..Did she have a specific routine?..
“youngmi?”
she was staring for too long, a small flush of pink rushed to her face as she spoke
“oh..i'm not really hungry..Just water is fine really”
“ah i see..”
Hyunju took another drink of the water they were given, typically in the morning, all hyunju would eat was either a cup of coffee or tea, maybe even go to the bakery down the street. Although, she had stopped going there ever since the workers there kept giving her glares.
She looked back to youngmi, the conversation they had last night.. about the books..about the cafe
It seemed to bring a type of peace to her. As much peace that you can get in a place like this..
Hyunju glanced back to her
“Do you have any..favorite foods?”
It seemed to be a pattern with them, asking a question, learning more, staring, the fleeting touches, the smaller details.
slowly becoming more frequent with each day.
Youngmi lit up at the question, for a split moment she even smiled lightly
“ah..i used to really like dong po Rou..with a side of steamed Bok Choy”
The way she articulated her words with a flick of the hand and a smile that highlighted her eyes, it was endearing
But something caught her attention
“used to?..”
And youngmi stopped talking, as if she had been caught in a lie of some sort, although that’s not necessarily true. It just surprised her. As if a wave of memories came back for a second only to be pushed down once more.
There was a beat of silence, youngmis smile quivering slightly before she continued
“well i mean I can’t afford as much as i used too, that and it reminds me of my parents”
She spoke of it like it was something she’s repeatedly said, unnerving and straight forward
Hyunju stared blankly
“Your parents?”
“yes, they don’t talk to me anymore”
It was the first time they’ve steered the conversation this way. Yet it felt oddly normal. Maybe youngmi was being too pushy with this. In truth, she’s preferably calm. with hyunju, it felt like she was talking to a friend who could potentially understand.
“-honestly it’s not too much of a big deal, it’s just due to the circumstance-“
When it came to discussing her parents, Youngmi wasn’t exactly- charitable.
The most she could say would only brush up on two things, where are her parents? back at home. What are they doing? No idea. How are they? …
Never the why, That’s one thing youngmi persisted that she kept to herself.
Because most people after hearing it, don’t exactly see youngmi the same.
But hyunju..
Youngmi glanced over to hyunju who was still a little taken aback by her response, but appeared to be listening just as intently out of respect, and its not like youngmi has protested to anything that might give signs for her to stop.
“Is there.. a reason for that? if you don’t mind me asking?”
she toyed with the bottle cap in her hands
“Well for one, my parents were persistent when it came to my studies. To be fair, I was able to reach my academic goals pretty easily..but I wasn't the best with people.”
she rested her hands against her knees
“They wanted me to be a psychologist and i..”
youngmi let out a small chuckle, as if recalling it was amusing
“I wanted to be a writer. I even applied to multiple programs or contests about those sorts of things..”
Hyunju continued to listen. Not interrupting once
“i even won a few contests.. but they saw it as a mere hobby. so i continued my studies to become a psychologist.”
Her smile faltered a bit, hyunju furrowed her brow slightly
“then what changed?..”
Hyunju was staring at her, REALLY staring..
…and it felt kind of nice
“I…met someone.. they made me feel.. seen..and for a while i let myself really believe i could be a writer. That i could do something i truly loved”
Her smile faltered once more. Turning more solemn.
“But it didn’t work out. My parents found out about my relationship and then.. everything i’ve worked for- my studies- my work- my writing.. It didn’t seem to matter to them anymore..So they kicked me out”
There was another pause
Youngmi took the time to place the bottle to her side, a sigh was heard as she looked around at the people around her, A small shiver up her spine reminded her just how hard it was to just speak.
But she glanced to her right. Patient and well kept eyes stared back. Endearingly so..
“To be honest, I think they were just waiting for a good enough reason to let me go..is that.. weird to think?”
there was a pause
“No.. I understand what you mean..”
she did. Didn’t she..
Of course youngmi remembers everything after the second voting process, when she voted to stay.
And just how devastating it was, that fear creeping onto her.. But then there was that look hyunju had..
Desperate..
And youngmi knew it too well. She was desperate as well, they all were. In a weird way, She kind of respected how hyunju chose herself. Youngmi wasn’t exactly one to do the same..
And so, she continued
“But if i can use the money i get from here.. I can get myself a new place.. i can eat a proper meal..pick myself back and maybe..”
Hyunju watched a certain gleam in youngmis eyes appear
Oh..are her eyes dark brown?.. no.. in the light they almost seem like a dark hazel…
“maybe my parents would want to talk to me again..”
Youngmi turned to hyunju
“Is that foolish?-“
Hyunju was close. Far more close then before-
A good four inches away but youngmi didn’t move. She was staring softly, patient but there was something else..
“unnie?-“
she blinked as she stuttered
“oh- Sorry..i lost my train of thought-“
…
..
Definitely a darker hazel..
…
..
“..you know you don’t owe them anything..right?..”
It was a quiet question. Not a second past till youngmi answered
“i know..i just want to see them. even if they can’t take the person i really am. I just want to see them.”
Hyunju nodded
She understood what she meant by that. After something like this, it would make sense.
They’re human after all.
Even hyunju couldn't help but think about her parents from time to time.
But sadly the outcome is the same when it plays out in her mind.
Near death experience or not. She doesn’t think it would change anything.
She took a glance at youngmi. Whether she was aware of it or not, a small smile began to form.
And eyes grew more curious
Eyes finally locked together, And that giddy smile youngmi had was just so..
“Attention all players, We hope you have thought well of your decision-“
Everyone around them began clamoring about the announcement
The smile now faded into a slight face of fear and confusion
“After one day, we promised you another trial of voting due to yesterday's draw. And so, We are to presume voting in approximately 5 minutes.”
a tension in the air arose, groups now beginning to form, Even young-sik and geum-ja slowly made their way over to the girls.
Hyunju felt a small jolt of discontent. As if a pit began to form at the bottom of her stomach, just like all the other voting times as a staggering exhale was heard.
“Please collect your final thoughts now.”
The recording cut off
As people separated into their designated areas, separated by choice.
To stay or to leave.
There was a chill going up hyunjus spine.
And a small amount of pressure applied to her hand
She glanced to her right to see youngmis finger slowly link with her own, trembling the slightest amount.
Slowly, Hyunju grabbed onto hers.
The trembling hadn’t stopped.
But it was still enough.
Enough for at least a fraction of comfort
A chance for hope.
Hope, that they can finally leave this place.
~~~
..
..
..
sweat drilled down hyunjus face, A staggering breath was heard from her side, the shorter girl was trembling since the voting process started, But it was heavily elevated now.
Hyunju glanced back at the sign.
A pool of pressure began to develop in her stomach.
49 X’s… 50 O’s
After at least 23 minutes of voting- and people still want to stay in this he’ll hole?-
If youngmi had eaten anything before she would’ve thrown it up by now, She was biting on her nails as she clenched hyunjus hand.
Which was returned with another squeeze.
All they need was two more.. Just two more-
All that was left was some random player.. and player 001.
One of the men that helped hyunju in the mingle game.
just two more.. just two.
She could hear young-sik chatter to his mother beside them
“what the hell.. god how can people still want too-“
BEEP
50 X’s - 50 O's
A short cheer was made on their side, a small shake was given to hyunjus hand as geum-ja shook her son as well
Hyunju cheered sporadically as she turned to youngmi
A scared but hopeful smile was flashed from youngmi as she held to her arm
“one more-“
“just one more..”
Hyunju Looked to the final player.
He voted to leave last time. There’s no way- he wouldn’t possibly vote to stay. Not after all this.
Her mind raced, Glimpses of the games flashing through her head like a throbbing movie of horrific scenes. watching as the final player took their time on their decision
Having to constantly fight. Not being able to rest- Breaking down near the end which only made things worse.
And what’s more…
Hyunju turned to youngmi, Not even able to look up out of the pure anxiety
She didn’t want to see anyone else around her die.
Just one more- Just one last vote- then everyone can leave. We can all start to rebuild our lives!- restart everything..
Her breath was shaky
Just..
One..
More..
Vote-
BEEP
…
..
.
..
“The final vote is 51-50.”
…
..
.
..
“As promised, the unanimous decision has decided- All participants will be free to leave the game-“
…
..
.
…
“Thank you for playing-“
Cheers erupted from the X’s side, An electrifying shake was given to hyunjus left arm as hyunju looked to right to see players unable to contain their excitement
their relief..
it didn’t feel real.
Hyunju noticed player 001 looking down.
Clenching his fists.
…Almost as if in shame.
But she felt a tug on her tracksuit again, The wind becoming knocked out her as she was practically squeezed into a tight embrace
Looking down to see youngmi crying as she cheered along with them.
It was real.
The shaking, the tears, the cheers the absolute surreal feeling of relief and bittersweet- melancholic moment..
That pure.. unwavering emotion..
Hyunju couldn't move and yet her limbs sprawled Out to hold her, Taking the chance to look down and back up to make sure she wasn’t dreaming
And back down again, eyes meeting once more
Bright and smiling, Alive and well, Scared but trying.
And hyunju could have sworn that past the tears and the red hue youngmi had, Her eyes were gleaming..
It was such a sight..
A marvelous one..
Curious and exemplary..
Hyunju was right about the color of her eyes..
Darkened brown.. and a honey bright hue.
~~~