Mary hated winter break. She hated being away from her friends, she hated the redness that painted her normally manicured nails, and she hated the lack of privacy. It was only third year when this all started, fourth when her parents noticed. It's now fifth year. She’s fifteen, and she’s pretty sure she’s old enough to take care of herself, thank you very much. She doesn’t need to stay downstairs an hour after eating, and she sure as hell doesn’t need the pile of food her family insists on.
The worst part about all of this is how her sister Eve is able to get away with the same habits. She always has less than Mary on her plate, always exercises, always yells about her body, and flushes yogurt down the toilet. Mary isn’t sure why she’s able to get away with it, it's not fair. She doesn’t care how childish she sounds, it doesn’t make sense how her sister is allowed to have an eating disorder but she isn’t.
She can’t help but think there are ulterior motives to her family's attempt at her ‘recovery’. Are they trying to fatten her up? Are they trying to make her uglier than Eve?. Her brain is filled with possibilities but none seem to fit like that one. It's a competition and her parents want Eve to win, they want her to be beautiful and skinny but they want Mary to be ugly and pudgy.
She refuses to stick to her meal plan at school, but her parents don’t know that. They don’t know how she still binges at night and throws it up. They don’t know how she sobs when she doesn’t have enough discipline to starve all day, and they don’t know how she glares in envy at all her friends. They all weigh less than her, she knows it. She sees Marlene's abs, she sees Lily's small and thin frame, but no matter what she does, no matter how much weight she loses, she’s never sick enough.
She’s never been particularly good at anything, and it pains her to say that she even fails at an eating disorder. Food consumes her thoughts every waking moment, and it even haunts her in her dreams. One time she dreamt she ate all of her moms homemade pie and woke up panicking with her head reeling and a trip to her notebook to count yesterday's intake.
It was horrible when her parents found out. Mary was at her doctor appointment the summer before fourth year, and she stepped on the scale.
“You’ve lost a lot of weight, has anything changed?” Doctor Dillman asked.
“No, I guess just more activity.”
“You lost thirty pounds in five months.”
That number still doesn’t seem significant to her, but it did to her parents apparently. Mary was still fat after all and in a normal range, it didn’t and still doesn't seem like a problem.
“Mary, it's time for dinner!” Her mother, Sonya, yelled.
Mary sighs shakily before getting out of bed and walking down the stairs. How many steps has she walked today? 1000? How many calories did that burn?
When she walks into the kitchen she sighs at the sight of lasagna and she grabs the smallest piece.
As she walks to the table her Mom interrupts her.
“Mary, you need a side.”
She looks to Eve with her small piece of lasagna and bites her tongue before walking to the bread rolls and grabbing the smallest one.
“And some salad.”
Mary knows it's futile to argue, she can’t refuse in fear of being sent away again. So, she grabs some of the caesar salad. That's healthy, right?
Her Father was gone tonight, a disturbance at work, whatever that is.
“Thank you, god, for this food. Bless the hands that prepared it and let it nourish our bodies. Amen.”
Mary was never one for religion. It wasn’t particularly forced upon her, rather heavily encouraged. Her parents were good like that, they could be good like that.
She feels embarrassed as she easily eats the food. It’s not like it isn’t a struggle mentally, but her body betrays her in hunger. She managed to skip lunch due to her Mothers work schedule, but that doesn’t warrant her body to be this hungry.
She feels guilt and shame claw up her spine as she finishes the meal, Eve still having half of her lasagna left.
fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat-
“Mum, can I sleep at Katies tonight?” Eve asks as she takes a small amount of lasagna into her mouth.
“Are you alright with that Mary? I know you leave tomorrow for Hogwarts.” Sonya asks.
“It’s fine.” Mary smiles and Eve’s smile is even brighter.
“Thanks Mars Bar! Oh, I have to pack!” Eve runs upstairs, leaving a quarter of her lasagna left.
Mary stares at the slice and she hates herself a little bit more every second.
“I’m proud of you for finishing Mary, are you good to go upstairs or do I have to keep an eye out?”
“I’ll be fine Mum.” Mary smiles slightly, hoping to convince her.
The smile does the trick, and Mary soon walks upstairs. Truth be told, the one part of her eating disorder she was working on was the purging. It made her feel fat and bloated and like a pig who couldn’t control herself. But right now, she really had the urge. But it's January third, and this year could be a new start for her. She could be like Eve and restrict into thinness, restrict into beauty.
As she walks into her room she furrowed her eyebrows as she sees Eve going through her closet.
“What are you doing?”
“Oh! Can I borrow this shirt?” She shows her the standard black top, and Mary feels her gut swirl and swirl telling her to throw up throw up throw up.
“I never get to borrow yours.”
“Yes you do, you just don’t ever!”
“It’ll be too big for you.”
Eve rolls her eyes, “We’re like the same size.” She breezes past Mary to try it on, and she scoffs. It doesn’t matter if they can fit into each other's clothes, it's the fact that Eve doesn’t have an ugly stomach poking out and ruining the outfit. It's the fact that Eve is taller, 5’5, while Mary is 5’2. Skinny looks better on taller people.
As predicted, when Eve walks in she looks 1000 times better than Mary ever could have. She doesn’t ask before keeping it on and packing her bag, hugging Mary goodbye, and getting into Katies car. Mary feels tears bubble before her eyes but she refuses to cry over something as stupid as this.
When Mary walks into her room, she sees Lily’s owl Arrow and she smiles. She grabs the letter and opens it.
Dear Mary,
I’ve missed you over winter! Petunia’s being, well, Petunia again so we all know what that means. But we did go to the mall and I got the cutest skirt! I know it's cold out but that's what warming charms are for. The last time I wrote to you was after Christmas :(( sorry for not responding, things have just been so busy! But I’ll fill you in on the train, don’t worry. I can’t wait to see you, I just know it’ll make me feel better after this winter hols. It wasn’t terrible, but again, you know Petunia. Anyway, Remus sent me a new book recommendation called Emma, and I know, I know- you don’t care about bookish stuff but I think you might like it! See you in tomorrow(If this letter gets there in time)
Love,
Lily
Mary smiles at the note and folds it back up into the shape it took previously. She puts it in her side drawer and she crawls into bed, trying to ignore the flutter in her stomach. The guilt was still there, but so was something else. She wasn’t quite sure, but she knew it soothed the ache.
She couldn’t wait to be back at Hogwarts