When they said there'd be no escape, I didn't fully believe them. Of course, I never saw one, but after being with Kanade for so long, I started thinking there'd be one.
Foolish of me, I know. The numbness in my chest started easing, and instead of my brain constantly repeating, "Don't touch me," I found myself leaning into Kanade's touch. Even after my father came to visit me weekly, I was healing.
Slowly. It was getting better, better enough to call Kanade's place home, to smile truthfully, and to trust someone. Yet, of course, it wouldn't be that easy, would it?
I'm slowly healing, but something is broken inside. And no matter how long or hard I try to reach it, I find myself growing tired again. I was supposed to be getting better, was I not? Then, what is this desperation growing in my chest again?
I started waking up at night again. Kanade looks at me, surprised to see me in such a state. My emotionless expression was replaced with a panicked one. I looked at Kanade as she stood up from her chair, reaching her bed where I fell asleep and holding my hand. She clearly knew something was off.
Tears start flowing down my face as my hands tremble as she holds my hands. Nightmares filled my mind again, exactly like when I moved into Kanade's house after the fight with my mother.
— “What's wrong, Mafuyu?”
Kanade's soft voice distracts me from the thoughts of my nightmare as she calls me. Kanade's hands were always cold, dry, yet soft and warm when she held mine. As she moves her thumb across my shaky hand, I try to talk to her.
— “Nightmares.”
Kanade frowns slightly, a worried expression seen on the delicate flower. My voice was low, numb, and breathy from the anxiety that I felt after dreaming about my mother again. I kept dreaming about the same thing: her finding me and going back to that house.
— “I see... Is there anything I can do?”
She kept caressing my hand softly. I moved my head side to side, signaling a no. My body moved itself, wanting comfort. Even as my mind screamed not to trust anyone else, I hugged Kanade. My arms were placed on her back as I hid my face in the crook of her neck. Her hair fell to her back, and her sweater was messy after composing for so long. I didn't care. As I closed my eyes, some warmth reached my cold chest.
— “Mafuyu...?”
Kanade's voice was confused, standing still for some time as she decided to return the hug. She'd been lonely for quite some time, and even after spending time with Mizuki and Ena, she struggled with knowing what to do or not to do. She wrapped her arms around Mafuyu's waist, moving her hands and carefully caressing her back in smooth motions, as if she could easily break.
— “Don't... go...”
I moved my hands closer to her, hugging her tightly. Kanade's body was fragile, I knew that, and that she didn't know what to do. It had always been obvious. Even then, I yearned for her warmth when my chest was cold.
— “I won't be going anywhere, Mafuyu.”
Her words sound the same as always, her sweet and delicate voice calming the cold and pain filling my mind and body. I allow myself to relax for a bit, holding onto her. For a bit, it feels peaceful again.
Kanade smiles when she notices that I'm calming down a bit. Before I'm aware, I start to drift off and fall asleep as she holds me. I've never been able to sleep easily. Yet, when Kanade holds me, my body seems to relax and I become sleepy.
I wake up the next morning, only to find Kanade holding my hand as she sleeps next to me. There were small bags under her eyes, knots in her hair, and her body was cold. I couldn't help but smile softly as I moved the blanket and placed it on top of her.
I start to arrange myself for school, as every morning. Hair up in a ponytail with the scrunchie Mizuki gifted me. It was a deep purple that apparently looked good on me. I really couldn't care less, but since it came from Mizuki, I decided that I should try it.
My uniform was impeccable, always checking for any wrinkles or anything that wouldn't make it. I drank some water and looked at the mirror. My eyes were tired, and even with the uniform and my hair up, I didn't feel anything looking at myself. My face was numb, distracted from everything. I knew as long as I got out, I'd have to force a smile again.
Will there be a day when I can stop doing this? I doubt it. At least, when I'm home, there's no need to keep it up. Something good about talking about how I felt and breaking down in Kanade was that, I guess.
I reach for my backpack, using Ena's concealer to blend the dark eye bags I had as I looked in the mirror. Ena could be insufferable sometimes, but this helped me avoid any more questions about my well-being at school.
I place some Vaseline on my lips as well. I've never been bothered by the cold; maybe that is where my name comes from. My lips were slightly chapped from it, yet if it weren't for Mizuki or Ena mentioning it, I would have never thought of taking care of it.
If it were for me, I'd leave my own body and sleep until I could relax or go back to when I was younger.
I shake my head, trying to delete those thoughts, and I hide the makeup inside one of the pockets of the backpack. I hold one of the keys to Kanade's house with a bunny, a gift I got after living with her.
She wouldn't wake up in time, so it was better this way. With everything ready, I start walking up to school. With my earphones, I listen to some of Kanade's melodies as I keep walking. I realized after some months that it was a good idea for whenever I felt bad. It was a simple gesture, but my chest felt warm afterwards.
As I reached high school, I removed my earphones, smiling and saying hi to everyone as the ‘Mafuyu’ persona came back to life. With Nightcord, I didn't have to worry.
But of course, in such a fake world, I'd have to keep being myself and the perfect student so that teachers wouldn't call my parents. Taking care of everyone and all of the studies wasn't so bad if I hoped for it to end soon.
The time passed quickly as I helped everyone in class. Now, as the sun started to set, everyone was tidying up, ready to go home. I walked outside, of course, next to other classmates as I smiled. It was another day, a normal one.
Yet, I couldn't help but feel tired. As I arrived home, moving the keys to unlock Kanade's house, I felt the presence of someone behind me, hugging me.
I'd always recognize the smell of her perfume, her shoes, and how she forcefully hugged me, so I wouldn't go.
— “Mafuyu... Come back home...”
Of course, my mother. I couldn't help but sigh as my hand trembled. This time, Kanade wasn't awake, and I had to deal with this. I looked at the ground, trying to ease the cold and pain filling my chest again.
I wanted to scream. To move her arms off, to tell her to stop touching me. To cry out loud, to be brave again, and stop breaking into pieces as she held me closer to her. She wanted me closer, while I wanted her away.
Even then, I stood still, moving the keys and waiting for her to let go as my gaze became numb again. I'd just wait again until she was finally tired and left. So I could go home and hug Kanade.
Sometimes it took her some minutes; other times it felt like years. Her embrace was like a bunch of thorns digging into my skin and making me bleed uncontrollably. Even then, I knew it was better to keep quiet and hold still until she got tired.
Looking at her arms around me, I can't help but sigh as disgust fills my senses, even though my face remains still.
Ah... I want to disappear.