I couldn’t take it anymore. Just her presence alone could drive me insane—and this.
This kiss is shattering what little control I had left.
I need to go. I need to step away and forget that this happened.
But why couldn’t I pull myself away from her lips?
I couldn’t give her what she wanted. Not if she didn’t even know what it was herself.
Not if being with me meant unraveling her entire sense of self.
Just earlier I found myself thinking that I could actually talk to her properly without doing something dumb like this. But it’s not entirely my fault for what’s happening right now.
I pushed her away, creating space between us.
Her hand that was cupping my face moved, grabbing me by my waist and immediately closing the gap between us.
I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes, knowing I’d put it there.
“Let go.” I hissed, “I can’t do this.”
“Do what?” She murmured, her hand firmly holding me by my waist firmly. “Tell me.”
“This whole thing– It’s wrong. Alam mong mali ‘to,” I tried to get her hands off of me, but she was way more stronger. “Avery, ano ba!?”
She clicked her tongue, her patience obviously wearing thin. “Anong mali? Edi gawin nating tama.”
“And just so you know, I already broke up with Jer kung siya ang problema mo.”
“That doesn’t change anything!” I snapped, finally breaking away from her hold out of my frustrations finally releasing. “Do you even know what you’re doing to me? Alam mo ba, Avery?”
Her eyes widened, she pressed her lips into a thin line. “Then tell me. Sabihin mo lahat.”
I laughed, a bitter, broken sound that didn’t feel like it came from me. “Akala mo ba simple lang ang lahat? Hindi mo naman maiintindihan.”
“Make me understand, Alliana!” She fumed, the way her voice rose made me flinch.
Alliana?
She only calls me that when she’s for sure angry as hell. It made me scared. I reached for her hand but she shook it away. My face crumpled– bakit parang ako pa may kasalanan ngayon?
“Avery–”
“Gusto mong maintindihan kita, diba? Then speak. Make me understand!”
Silence. My eyes were welling up again.
When she saw my tears, she sighed in resignation. Her frustration dropped and was replaced with concern. “I’m sorry.” Her voice softened.
“Please, Alliana, make me understand. Gawin natin ‘tong tama.”
“How? I’m going to lose you anyway.” My voice dropped to a whisper, uttering out words brokenly. “You– we kissed more than once—when dapat, hindi naman tayo naghahalikan… Tapos, this? We’re friends? I should’ve done the right thing in the first place. Dapat hindi nalang kita talaga hinayaan nung unang beses. Ang tanga ko rin na isipin na maybe, mutual feelings natin sa isa’t isa. But no– we’re best friends.”
“Do you understand what you’re doing to me? Do you have any idea what this is doing to me?”
She stood still. “Takot ako, Sadie. I don’t even know what this is– I don’t know how to handle this. Ang alam ko, ayaw ko na mawala ka sa’kin. I’m…”
“—Sorry?” I cut her off, her words broke me. Akala ko okay na, akala ko titigil na luha ko. Pero hindi pala, ang sakit. “Alam mo. ano ‘to? Hindi ko rin alam. But I know it’s going to ruin us, it’s going to ruin me. You’re going to realize that hindi ‘to yung gusto mo, babalik ka kay Jer, tapos… wala na ulit ako. I’ll be left here, picking up the pieces of myself, again.”
I didn’t wait for her to respond, I forced myself to walk away from my apartment, the door slamming shut behind me. The cold night air hit me like a slap in the face, but it wasn’t enough to stop my tears that were mercilessly flowing. I walked aimlessly, my chest aching.
Was it right for me to do that? Na nilayuan ko lang siya? My mind is a whirlwind of emotions–I did not know what to feel. It’s a lot.
The guilt for walking away, the anger to what transpired between us, the hatred for myself that I even let her do as she pleased in the first place—
Pero ginusto niya ba ‘to? Ginusto ko ba ‘to? I gritted my teeth, wala naman akong dalang jacket ngayon o kung ano. Onti nalang, maninigas na talaga ako dito.
I looked up in the sky, stars nowhere to be found. Mahal ko siya. Ang tagal na rin– ang tagal ko na rin siyang mahal. Oras na ba para pakawalan ko siya?
I continued walking, the weight of everything threatened to crush me. Ang tagal– I spent so much time, running away from my feelings, trying to suppress it, and keeping what Avery and I have. I’ve been convincing myself that I was doing the right thing, keeping our friendship – without confessing – I was so wrong.
But tonight, I realized that I wasn’t dealing with Avery’s confusion. I was dealing with mine.
I had always kept my feelings buried, pretended they didn’t exist–before Jaden pointed it out to me. It became rampant, transparent. It had shown itself to me, and I tried to shut it down desperately.
But after our first kiss, the look in Avery’s eyes, I knew I was doomed. I couldn’t keep them hidden anymore.
I was angry. I was hurt. And–
Still so in love with Avrielle that I feel like my heart might shatter right now.
The thought of going back to my apartment was unbearable. She might be still there, or not. Still her presence would linger, every single moment we had spent there together would haunt me. I needed to be anywhere but there.
I pulled my phone out and immediately called…
Maven.
She answered almost after the first ring, startling me a bit, “Hey,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “Want to grab a drink? Sa.. usual place natin.”
Her response was immediate, as if she’d been waiting for me to reach out. “I’ll meet you there in ten,”
By the time I arrived, Maven was already there and the two shots of tequila were waiting on the table. She greeted me with a knowing look, yet she didn’t speak. She didn’t press, already figured that I wouldn’t talk. That was the thing about Maven–She never pushed me to talk, never asked questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
I wasted no time, downing the first shot in silence, the burn of the alcohol did nothing to numb the growing ache in my chest. Maven raised her glass for another round, and we drank without a word.
For a moment, inakala ko na makakalimutan ko yung nangyari kanina temporarily. I thought I’d be able to drown out the storm brewing inside me – but the more I drank, the more chaos stirred inside of my mind.
Maven, unsurprisingly, got drunk before me. She rambled about random things–university, some drama she heard from somewhere, an awkward date she had with Selene last week. I managed a few nods and small smiles, but my mind was somewhere else entirely. She must have noticed because eventually, she stopped talking and just leaned against me, comforting me with her presence alone.
When it was clear she couldn't drink anymore, I called Selene. Wala na ring magagawa si Selene other than to pick Maven up from here since they live together. I trust her enough to handle her–we’re that close. She arrived within fifteen minutes. She looked at me questioningly. Honestly? she could really burn a hole through me with that stare.
She helped Maven into the passenger seat of her car and sighed, looking at me as she closed the door.
“Mas malala pa naman nadaanan niyang paglalasing, okay lang yan. Wag ka na mga-alala.” Selene joked lightly, but her gaze softened. “Ikaw, okay ka lang ba?”
I shook my head, I didn’t know how to answer that.
She placed a hand on my shoulder. “Ate Alli, hayaan mo munang huminga ka. Let yourself breathe. Go somewhere that doesn’t remind you of her, kailangan mong umusad.”
I frowned. “I can’t just run… again.”
“It’s not running,” She said gently. “It’s giving yourself space to heal.”
Kahit bunso siya, alam niya talaga yung tamang sasabihin, no?
I didn’t respond, she squeezed my shoulder before climbing into her car. “Take care, Ate Alli. Call me or Ate Carms, okay?”
As she drove away, I stood there, unsure where to go next. Yet my feet moved, and before I realized it—I was standing in front of an empty playground.
This was our safe place. The place we came to when the world felt too big, too overwhelming. Sometimes we would run away from our houses at midnight to clear our minds, and always found ourselves seated next to each other on the swings.
I sat on the edge of the sandbox, my knees pulled to my chest. Is there any place na kaya kong puntahan that wouldn’t remind me of her?
The memories hit me all at once. Avery laughed as she pushed me on the swings, the way she would sit next to me on the merry-go-round, her shoulder brushing against mine as we talked about everything and nothing.
The first tear fell, and then another.
I cried again. Way harder than I had in years, the kind of crying that leaves you gasping for breath – your chest heaving with the effort of releasing everything you’ve been bottling up for so long.
I cried for the love I couldn’t have, for the friendship I was terrified of losing and now lost, for the pain of loving someone who did not know how to love me back.
It felt like hours before my tears slowed, leaving me feeling drained and empty. The ache in my chest was still there, present. But it was quieter now, much less suffocating.
For the first time in weeks, I allowed myself to feel it. Everything. The love, the hurt, the longing, the loss–I didn’t try to push it away nor bury it, I just let it consume me.
And I sat there without uttering out any words. I realized that I couldn’t keep running away from this, butmaybe I could just erase it. Maybe, well not really. But I’d prefer to just remove my entire existence from this than having to suffer again and again because of myself.
I just knew, I can’t lose myself in the process. I can’t let it happen anymore.
I'm sorry. Hindi ko na kaya,