ii.
As they headed to the large room after the games, Hyunju didn't want to talk to anyone. The pain was still there, very present, and seemed unwilling to disappear. Geumja was with Yongsik on one of the beds. She had also cried; Geumja had grown fond of Youngmi and her introverted personality in a very short time.
It was obvious that Youngmi's presence would be deeply missed. Hyunju was alone, lost in her thoughts, until someone sat down beside her: player 246, who had helped her in the last round. "Do you feel better?" 246 asked, while opening the package containing the food the guards were handing out, food Hyunju didn't want to eat.
Hyunju nodded and continued playing with her hands, still feeling Youngmi's touch.
"You should eat, I know the last game was difficult, but soon we'll all go home and you should return well," 246 said, smiling slightly and starting to eat his lunch.
"I'm Gyeongseok, Park Gyeongseok." Gyeongseok extended his hand, but Hyunju hesitated for a second before returning the greeting.
"I'm Cho Hyunju."
They remained silent for several minutes, Gyeongseok continued eating, practically devouring his food as if he hadn't eaten in weeks.
"I didn't thank you for saving me earlier," Hyunju said, trying to break the ice and start a conversation.
Gyeongseok looked at Hyunju doubtfully. "I think we both saved each other, if I hadn't recognized you among all those people, I think we would have died." He continued eating.
"Are you sure you're not hungry? I can bring you lunch if you don't want to get up..." Gyeongseok offered, seeing that Hyunju had no intention of getting up from her spot.
"I'm not hungry, Gyeongseok, it's okay."
The man's gaze turned doubtful, Hyunju quickly realized this and tried to change her demeanor.
"Tell me, why did you come to these games? Did the man on the train starion also slap you?" Gyeongseok asked, trying to change the subject of conversation, as it seemed that Hyunju was still affected by what happened in the previous game.
Hyunju laughed at Gyeongseok's comment, it was true that the man had slapped her a couple of times, but she had won most of the time.
"It was something like that... I came because I need to pay for some surgeries in Thailand..." Hyunju said.
Hyunju's expression changed slightly, returning to that previous expression of pain and discomfort.
"Surgeries? Well, me too, but not for me. My daughter... She's sick. She has leukemia," Gyeongseok said, trying not to get upset as he remembered the reason why he was there.
Hyunju was horrified, it was obvious that she wasn't referring to that kind of surgery, but it was horrible to think that a little girl needed urgent attention and her father was risking his life continuously to save her.
"I'm very sorry, Gyeongseok, I hope she recovers," Hyunju tried to console the man beside her, maybe she had heard those words hundreds of times, but Hyunju didn't know what to say in a situation like that.
"I know she will... My Nayeon is very strong," Gyeongseok said, smiling slightly. And obviously she was, it was unimaginable how difficult it was for Gyeongseok to process that his daughter was sick.
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After almost an hour of waiting, the guards arrived and announced the theme of today's voting. It would be the same as yesterday, but they recommended not interfering with the thoughts of others. The votes had to be fair.
That didn't stop Hyunju from thinking about yesterday's votes, where Youngmi cried desperately, asking the other players to vote to leave. Which she didn't do, and she regretted it with all her heart. If she had been a little more cautious or hadn't played that fucking game, she would be with her right now.
And the emptiness of not having Youngmi was felt. There was no one to grab her arm with fear, trying to calm her nerves. Now she was completely alone. Everything had happened in a matter of days, hours, and even minutes. In such a short time, she felt a great amount of emotions. She went from feeling ashamed of who she was, to feeling that there could be a new beginning with Youngmi, and now she felt that her heart had been ripped out in the worst way possible, taking away that possibility of erasing the past and continuing with someone who saw her as beautiful.
"Player 125, it's your turn," Hyunju returned to reality, it was almost her turn to vote. Player 125 was a shorter guy, who was practically dragged by 124, that guy looked like a detestable type.
125 voted to leave and nervously changed the band on his chest to put on the one with the X. Hyunju couldn't help it, but she found a certain resemblance between the guy and Youngmi.
124, the guy who seemed unbearable, looked at 125 with a gaze of hatred, as if the guy had committed an unforgivable act against morality. After the small tense scene between the two, it was Hyunju's turn.
"Player 120!" one of the guards exclaimed, and the mentioned player went to cast her vote. She hesitated for a bit, now there was nothing to lose: Youngmi was gone. But a small thought crossed her mind. Geumja already wanted to leave, as well as Yongsik.
She also thought about Gyeongseok, if he lost in the next game, what would happen to Nayeon? His little girl was sick and needed a father to take care of her and the money for the operations. Hyunju voted for the X, she saw that some players were happy with her decision.
When she joined the other players, she felt again how everyone looked at her. That horrible feeling of being watched by others, with those looks of disgust. It came back. But her thoughts were still stuck on the previous game, trying to find some mistake she made for things not to have turned out as she had hoped.
She felt a soft hand, it was Geumja, who smiled at her with that motherly warmth that only she could dedicate. She was also suffering, both of them were. Hyunju tried to smile, but the smile that formed on her face seemed more like a grimace of pain. She did nothing but wait for the results of the vote.
Geumja was also suffering, both of them were. Hyunju tried to smile, but the smile that formed on her face seemed more like a grimace of pain. She did nothing but wait for the results of the vote.
When it was 001's turn, there was nothing left to do, the vote was tied. 50/50, so they didn't know if that meant staying another night or leaving. Hyunju saw how the player before 001 voted for the circle, wanting to stay, but immediately saw player 044. Damn bitch.
"The votes will be cast again tomorrow morning, it is recommended that you think carefully about your answer," one of the guards said, and immediately the others scattered throughout the large room.
Hyunju walked alongside Geumja and Yongsik, trying not to think about Youngmi anymore, but it was obvious that Geumja knew that her bad mood and her urge to cry were due to the girl's death.
"Hyunju!" she heard her name and a masculine voice calling her, it was Gyeongseok. "Hyunju... I thought you were going to stay, the surgery weren't very expensive?" Gyeongseok started walking alongside her, greeting Geumja and Yongsik.
"Yes, but I already have enough money for the surgeries I've been looking into," Hyunju said, a little less discouraged than before, but still not wanting to talk much.
"I wanted to tell you that... I have a friend who is a surgeon, if everything goes well tomorrow, I could tell him that... You're interested," if Hyunju didn't explicitly say that the operations were for her sex change, it turned out that Gyeongseok had deduced it on his own. And that was okay, she didn't want to give any more unnecessary explanations.
"Thank you, that's very kind of you," Hyunju said, a little shyly, trying to express genuine gratitude towards him.
"Anything for a friend," Gyeongseok smiled and bid farewell to Hyunju.
Hyunju and Geumja continued walking until they sat down on one of the empty beds, it seemed that it had previously belonged to a player who was now dead. Yongsik came behind them and sat down with them.
Hyunju tried to control her urge to cry, seeing two people around her made her feel vulnerable and want to express everything she was feeling at that moment.
"Are you better?" Geumja asked while caressing Hyunju's back. She couldn't help it and let out everything she had been holding inside. The tears she had been holding back since she first talked to Gyeongseok finally came out.
Geumja hugged her and gave her comfort like a mother does with her daughter, it was a comforting hug. "Don't feel bad, Hyunju, it's something that was out of your hands."
"I could have done something, I could have done many things and I didn't do anything to prevent it..." Hyunju continued crying loudly, now feeling Yongsik's hand patting her back. "Now I'm alone, I'm alone again because of my inability to see beyond myself."
"Don't say that, Hyunju, you have me and mom. Both of us believe that you're a brave woman."
And Hyunju cried even harder against Geumja's shoulder, now not because of the heart-wrenching feeling of missing Youngmi, whose scent she still felt on her jacket. But now she cried because they referred to her as a "woman". She had been waiting for months for others' approval, and now that she had it, she felt like the most beautiful thing in the world.
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Geumja and Yongsik continued to comfort Hyunju until several players who voted for the X arrived where they were. It seemed that two factions had formed.
Hyunju saw how the pregnant girl, 222, sat down next to her, greeting her. That's when Hyunju decided to speak up, if this was her last night in this place, what more could she lose? She should get to know her fellow faction members.
"Hi, I'm Hyunju," she started, addressing the girl. Her face was very feminine, her features were fine and her hair fell down her face. She couldn't help but associate that with Youngmi, remembering how her hair fell the night before, when they both slept in the same bed.
"Junhee, nice to meet you," the girl smiled and fixed her hair. Maybe the conversation could end there.
"It's incredible, isn't it? All this about the games... It's very frightening," Hyunju thought she was starting to make the girl uncomfortable, but her doubt dissipated when Junhee spoke again.
"To be honest, yes, I wanted to leave from here since the first game," she started playing with her hands, then touching her belly, which was becoming more noticeable.
Geumja approached Junhee and Hyunju, smiling at them. "It's great that you're getting to know each other! Junhee, after we get out of here, how about you come to my house for dinner? Where do you live?"
"Are you serious? Thank you for the invitation," Junhee said, smiling and making a slight bow to the older woman.
They continued smiling until 456, the player who had already played before, joined them. Hyunju hadn't seen him since the morning they formed teams, now he looked a bit more disheveled and angry than before.
"Do you think they'll do something, Gihun?" player 390 said behind player 456.
"Gihun is his name..." Hyunju thought while all the X faction players sat down close to each other, waiting for Gihun (or player 456) to come up with a plan.
"They'll attack at night, when they turn off the lights and tell us to go to sleep, it's their surprise show," Gihun said, everyone listening attentively, some more terrified than others.
"Then we'll attack too... It's the only thing that comes to mind," player 001 said, who was very close to Gihun trying to get his attention. Hyunju listened carefully, it would be a bit exciting to attack some players.
Some people had gone to the bathroom, they went in groups of 10 people. The women went to the bathrooms being escorted by the guards in pink suits, while the men went to the bathrooms with more freedom without anyone escorting them.
That's where Hyunju saw player 333, the one who didn't allow her to save Youngmi, going behind the guys. That stupid guy. Player 124, the unbearable guy who bullied the shy guy, was also there. He was with his friend with dyed hair who always seemed high.
Hyunju also noticed that player 333 was getting too close to Junhee, and she also noticed that Junhee felt uncomfortable with the presence of that guy. So she decided to get closer to her.
"That guy is bothering you, isn't he? Player 333," Hyunju said, now playing with her hands, not knowing how to approach a woman.
"Yes. He's a fool who's made many mistakes," Junhee looked towards the door where the men had gone to the bathroom. "Why don't you tell him to stop bothering you?" Hyunju was really interested in that answer.
"Because it's not that simple," Junhee touched her belly, caressing her baby inside, which led Hyunju to infer that that guy probably had something to do with Junhee's baby.
After a while, all the players present in the room heard a fight, some guards were now escorting the men, who were bleeding, some with a red face and others with bruises. It was then that more bills fell into the large piggy bank. Bills that only fell when the players...
"5 players have been eliminated," a guard said, and when everyone was already in the large room, the players who went to the bathroom started shouting.
"They started the fight! They want to convince us to vote to leave tomorrow!" said a boy from the other faction.
"You guys started attacking one of ours!" a verbal fight started between both factions, apparently there had been a fight in the men's bathroom where 5 boys died. With 95 players, it was obvious that one faction had more than the other.
Hyunju started counting mentally while the other players continued to argue verbally, and quickly realized that there was an advantage between the X's and the circles. Both factions decided to count the number of players they had, and when both teams realized that the X's had more players, they started planning.
"It's obvious that they're going to attack us at night," Gihun said, addressing a small group of players from their faction. Hyunju listened attentively, waiting for further instructions. Gyeongseok was by her side.
"I still think that we should also attack. Only then can we ensure more advantage in tomorrow's vote," proposed 001, everyone agreed, even Hyunju.
"No, my plan is to end these games, we need to infiltrate and take down the leader," Gihun proposed now. While it was more sensible to counterattack, Hyunju believed that it was also coherent to take the difficult path and end the problem at its root. Gyeongseok agreed with Gihun, and they listened attentively to his plan, once the small meeting was over.
Gyeongseok and Hyunju moved away a bit to continue talking. "I see that you're feeling a bit better now," Gyeongseok said, seeing that Hyunju was now a bit more serene. It was true that she was no longer crying, but the pain was still there.
"Yes... A bit. To be honest, I'm trying to keep my composure," Hyunju said, looking a bit timidly at Gyeongseok. She realized that she now had the habit of playing with her fingers when she was nervous.
"It's because of that girl, isn't it? The one who was with you in the games," Hyunju nodded and felt a lump form in her throat, the pain still present. Worse now that the topic came up after her conversation with Geumja and Yongsik.
"What was her name?" Gyeongseok asked curiously, it was noticeable that he was trying to understand his new friend's pain.
"Youngmi. Beautiful name, isn't it?" the boy nodded. Hyunju felt that it was enough with just a few words for Gyeongseok to understand what was going on around her, which she appreciated. So she decided to open up more.
"I think it was love at first sight, if you know what I mean, right?" Hyunju tried to make Gyeongseok understand, and when he gave her the signal, she continued. "It was something very quick, but it felt very real for a moment. I had never found someone who loved me in that way, who considered me the most beautiful thing they had ever seen."
"That's so sweet, Hyunju," was all Gyeongseok said, but it was enough for Hyunju. Someone who understood her and didn't judge her was exactly what she needed right now.
She missed Youngmi, and her scent was still embedded in her jacket. The memories of the previous night came back, and she would treasure that moment as the most real moment she had ever experienced with someone.
For a moment, she felt alive remembering the caresses and kisses of yesterday, and those promises of going out together that would never come true. Now all she had left was to live with the memory of something that was beautiful. She still remembered everything very well, every expression of Youngmi's and the pleasure she felt when she felt loved by someone, it was something that no one could take away from her.
"Players, in 30 minutes the lights will go out and you will have to go to your beds to sleep," the voice on the speaker announced to the other players.
"Ugh, and I thought I was going to sleep early today," Gyeongseok stretched with fatigue, then looked at Hyunju, "You're not sleepy?"
"I don't want to sleep, I'm afraid of what might happen if I fall asleep," Hyunju looked at the players from the opposing faction, who looked at her with disgust.
"I understand, anyone would be afraid if some crazies are watching your every move," Gyeongseok said, raising his middle finger at player 100. This time Gyeongseok didn't understand. She wasn't referring to the fear of being killed while she was asleep. She was referring to the fear of dreaming about something related to Youngmi. That she would appear in her dreams and then wake up crying because that dream, like many that would come, would never be real.
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Half an hour ago, they had announced that the lights would go out, so now the players were in total silence. It was a monstrous silence, at any moment the players from the circle faction would attack.
Suddenly, the attacks began, and both Hyunju and Gyeongseok managed to follow Gihun's plan. Both hid under the beds and watched as the players killed each other. What kind of useless guards were they to not show up?
Screams and curses were heard throughout the room, several players losing their lives and blood splattering from players from the X faction. It wasn't until what seemed like endless minutes that the guards appeared. They were all well-armed with what appeared to be the Heckler & Koch MP5.
It was even surprising for Hyunju to recognize the model of the gun, even when she was under the bed with Gyeongseok. Despite the time, Hyunju remembered the last time she used a gun like that. If Gihun's plan worked out, it would be interesting to use it again.
Hyunju was so absorbed in her thoughts that they were only interrupted when she heard several shots fired into the air, it was the guards attacking. The sounds of the bullets were deafening, but once they stopped firing at the players, it was the signal they needed to start the plan.
Hyunju saw how Gihun and player 001 came out from under the beds and threw themselves onto the floor, pretending to be dead. Hyunju and Gyeongseok, along with other players, did the same. And just when they all managed to throw themselves onto the floor, the lights came back on.
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2 months later
That day everything had passed very quickly: Gihun's team players tried to reach the control room of the leader. Maybe they didn't succeed, but at least they managed to survive that day.
Hyunju remembers very well how several players who followed Gihun died that day. Player 390's death was tragic, especially for Gihun, who had said before that he knew him since childhood.
That's when Hyunju found out that in these games Gihun had lost two childhood friends. The first time he came, he lost his friend Sangwoo. Gihun had told them that Sangwoo and he fought in the last game and unfortunately Sangwoo took his own life.
Gihun also told them about the plan he had been working on with people outside the game, a police officer named Junho had been accompanying him in this for months, but unfortunately his plan had failed, so Gihun had to opt for the more difficult path.
Hyunju felt sorry for the man, it must have been hard to lose two friends in the games. It was something similar to what she felt for Youngmi. Maybe she had met her in these games, but she had fallen for her.
Two months had passed since she left the game, and it still hurt like the first day. Despite having left with enough money for her gender affirmation surgeries, Hyunju still hadn't moved to Thailand.
She continued to visit Geumja and Yongsik, who lived nearby.
Someone who also lived nearby was Youngmi, her old house was near Geumja's. And she knew it was her house because of the details Youngmi had given her when they talked that night. They had agreed to meet again someday, even after their date. Hyunju passed by that house almost every day, she knew it wasn't empty, her parents lived there, but it was even painful for her to know that there were two people who would never see their daughter again.
That day Geumja had invited her to dinner, Junhee was also coming with her newborn baby. The baby was beautiful, and had the charming glow of her mom. She had seen her a couple of times and had fallen in love, maybe in the future she would have a baby. For now, she didn't have the mindset to be in a relationship. She was still in shock from two months ago.
Another girl she had met was Gyeongseok's daughter. The little girl had improved a lot since the last time Gyeongseok talked about her, now that they had enough money for the surgery. Sometimes she talked to Gyeongseok, visited him at work, and bought candy for Nayeon.
When she arrived at Geumja's house, she saw Junhee standing at the door with her baby. The girl smiled. "Hello Hyunju unnie" Junhee gave her a kiss on the cheek as a greeting and knocked on the door again. "I've been waiting for ten minutes for someone to open the door."
"Maybe Yongsik is busy and can't open it," Hyunju said, and indeed, it was Yongsik who opened the door, looking a bit more disheveled than usual. It was clear that cooking wasn't his thing.
"Hello girls, mom is inside cleaning and I was cooking, that's why no one was opening the door." Yongsik let the girls in. "Wait, you're cooking?!" Hyunju said in a tone of surprise and horror, and Junhee laughed.
That kind of trust was what they had, the girls seemed like Geumja's daughters coming to tease Yongsik. As the weeks went by, Junhee and Hyunju had become closer. Hyunju could still see a bit of Youngmi in Junhee, but each one had a special sparkle.
"Hello girls, sorry for the delay, you must have been cold outside, right?" Geumja hugged each one, then took Junhee's baby in her arms. It was true, in these days winter was becoming more present, leaving autumn behind.
"Geumja, what's that Yongsik has cooked..." Junhee said, sitting down with Hyunju at the table. Geumja started serving the dinner and with a proud look, pointed to her son. "It's true, my Yongsik has been taking cooking classes after work."
Hyunju was surprised when she tried the dish and realized that Yongsik had improved a lot since the last time he cooked for them. Junhee also looked surprised. "It's very good, Yongsik.”
Yongsik smiled with pride as he also tasted his food. The dinner was going well until Hyunju felt it was time to say what she had been thinking about for the past week.
"I think I'll be leaving for Thailand soon." Geumja stopped eating and looked at Hyunju with a gaze that reflected many things: sadness, pride, and love.
"Are you ready to leave?" Geumja asked, and Hyunju nodded slowly, of course, she was sure. The psychologist had told her in the last session that Hyunju had improved since then, and that's when Hyunju decided to prepare the paperwork to leave.
"And what did the psychologist say, Hyunju? Are you better now?" Junhee asked, and Hyunju nodded again. It was true that it would hurt to leave her life in Korea behind. She had friends, and although it didn't seem like it, a family that was there for her. In Korea, she had Geumja, Yongsik, even Junhee and Gyeongseok were there for her. But simply staying wasn't in her plans.
She had lost many things that were no longer worth fighting for. A few months ago, while Hyunju tried to sleep after making love with Youngmi, she would have told you that she wasn't sure if she should leave or stay in Korea to start a new life with Youngmi.
Unfortunately, that wouldn't happen, and although it hurt, sometimes she felt that the memory wasn't allowing her to move forward.
Silently, everyone supported Hyunju, this would be her opportunity to start anew and distance herself from the society that had turned its back on her, so they supported her decision.
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The cold was starting to become more present, the temperature was dropping, and people were no longer going out as much as before.
In a few days, she would leave Korea and needed to see Nayeon at least one last time. She went to the park where Gyeongseok worked. Although the boy had started a new job, he still went to the park in the afternoons to continue drawing.
Hyunju carried a small teddy bear in her purse that she had bought the other day for Nayeon. She knew where Gyeongseok was, as there were no longer many people in the park at this time of year.
"Hyunju!!" Little Nayeon approached Hyunju and gave her a tight hug, recovering more each day. "Hi, princess, how are you?" Hyunju smiled warmly and looked up to see Gyeongseok approaching them.
"Hello, Hyunju, I didn't expect to see you here again, everything okay?" Gyeongseok said, giving his friend a hug. "I just came to say goodbye, my flight leaves in a few days," Hyunju took the teddy bear out of her purse and handed it to Nayeon.
"We could go to the airport to see you off," Gyeongseok suggested, but Hyunju quickly refused. "If you do that, it will be harder for me to leave, besides, I'll come back to Korea often, I still have friends here."
"Okay, but remember that one day Nayeon and I will come to visit," Hyunju smiled, and they spent the rest of the afternoon playing with Nayeon and walking around the park.
When it was time to say goodbye, it was hard for Hyunju. She loved Gyeongseok dearly, he had been a good person to her and had helped her during a painful moment.
"Take care, Hyunju, we're going to miss you," Gyeongseok said, giving Hyunju a tight hug. "You deserve to start anew," the boy smiled and slowly adjusted Hyunju's hair, and the girl just smiled.
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The day of the flight had arrived. Junhee, Geumja, and Yongsik were accompanying her to the airport. At first, Hyunju had refused because she had rejected Gyeongseok's proposal, but the three had insisted on accompanying her and saying goodbye.
Junhee hugged Hyunju tightly, bidding farewell to her friend. "See you later, Hyunju, promise me you'll come for my baby's birthday!" Junhee started to cry, still sensitive from the whole situation. Hyunju nodded and wiped away her tears.
Yongsik also hugged Hyunju. "I assure you, you're just as beautiful as the Thai girls." Yongsik winked at her, and his mother gave him a strong elbow nudge.
Then Geumja pushed Yongsik aside, and it was her turn to say goodbye to Hyunju. "Goodbye, dear, write to us every day, okay? Yongsik and I will call you to see how you're doing." Geumja, as maternal as ever, gave her a scarf she had knitted. In Thailand, the cold was intense during these days, so Hyunju would use the scarf frequently.
The flight was leaving in an hour, so Hyunju had to go inside and wait. She said goodbye one last time to Junhee, Geumja, and Yongsik and went to wait for her plane.
The flight would take approximately six hours, so when she boarded the plane, she decided to sleep. Unfortunately, she had been assigned a seat near the window. She didn't like the view much.
But when the plane took off, she saw the entire city of Seoul from the window. The city looked so small. That city that had often made her feel afraid was now insignificant, and she couldn't help but shed a few tears from nostalgia.
Once the plane was high in the air, following its route, she closed the window, ready to sleep throughout the flight, trying to forget at least for a moment what she had lived through in the last two months.
It was impossible, because when Hyunju finally fell asleep, she could only dream of Youngmi and the life she would have had with her.