Chapter 3
“I need to stop,” Bella said. It had been just under two hours, and her bladder had opinions on the matter.
”All right,” said Rosalie. “There’s a rest stop in about ten minutes.”
”Perfect.” Bella paused. “Wait—are you saying you’ve memorized the route?”
”I’ve driven it,” said Rosalie. “Vampire memory is slow to let things go. I could still take you on a walking tour of Montreal in the 40s.”
”Uh-huh,” said Bella, “And was it a good time? Montreal in the 40s?”
”Not the worst place to be in a difficult time,” said Rosalie. “There were a few half-decent gay clubs, at least.”
”There—wait. Hold on. There? Were? I need more information. Immediately.”
”Oh look.” The soft tick of the blinker kicked in as Rosalie pulled off at an exit. “We’re at the rest stop.”
Bella ran to the restroom—the rest stop was a bit spooky in the middle of the night, deserted except for a few trucks parked down below with their cabin lights glowing, but at least it was well lit—and thought all the way. When she returned to the car, she was ready to continue the conversation.
”Are you?”
”What?”
”Um, I mean.” God, this was hard. “Gay?”
Bella hoped she sounded very neutral and open-minded.
Rosalie shrugged. “I’ve been known to be.”
“Huh.”
”And you?”
”What?”
”Have you been known to be?”
“Uh.” Bella tried to smile. “Not so far.”
”Hmm.”
”I, um, I just want you to um—I want you to know that I don’t—that there isn’t, I mean—“
”Bella,” said Rosalie gently. “Relax. If you keep going at that speed, you’ll swallow your tongue.”
”Vivid image.”
”Let’s keep it hypothetical.” Rosalie started the car, and Bella reached out to turn off the music before it could start playing again. She needed to think. There was silence for a few minutes as they merged back onto the highway, and Bella was grateful to Rosalie for letting it rest.
”I’ve thought about it,” she said eventually, quiet. Rosalie didn’t say anything, just responded with a light, interested hum to show she was listening.
”I mean,” said Bella, “with Edward, and then with Jake, it just felt—well, I don’t know. I don’t know if it felt how it was supposed to feel? I thought I was feeling it. Like, they’re both perfect in some ways. But I just. I don’t know. I thought maybe I couldn’t feel it at all.”
A pause.
”But?” Rosalie prompted.
”But.” Bella sighed. “Being with girls always felt different than being with boys. And I thought that was by design, you know? Like, being with girls is better because it’s…being with girls.”
Rosalie snorted. “I know what you mean.”
”Yeah?” Bella glanced at her. “Yeah.”
”I’ve always been attracted to men and women,” Rosalie offered. “Women, more so. But it took me a long time to figure that out.”
”Oh,” said Bella. “Yeah, it’s…hmm.” She looked down, picked at a hole in the knee of her jeans. “I don’t know.”
”You don’t have to know,” Rosalie pointed out. “You have time.”
”Easy for you to say.”
They drove in silence for a few minutes. Bella felt the full length of each second. Pins and needles. Finally, she broke.
“But like, how would I even know, really? Would I have to, like, go on a date with a girl? Kiss a girl? What if I tried that and it turned out it wasn’t true? Wouldn’t that be leading her on? I’m told I have a tendency to lead people on.”
“Who told you that?” Rosalie asked sharply.
“You can probably make a few guesses.”
“Doesn’t narrow it down.”
”No,” said Bella, “I guess it doesn’t.” She took a moment, searching her memory. “Renee said it to me once.”
”You’re reaching,” said Rosalie. “I can’t kill her.”
”You can’t kill Jake either,” Bella muttered. Rosalie let that comment pass.
”I was a sophomore,” Bella said. “This was right before I decided to move in with Charlie. I was dating this boy, just because he’d asked me, really, and…I didn’t want it. But there wasn’t a good enough reason to say no. And Renee said I was leading him on because I was afraid. She said I was too uptight, that I needed to open my heart. As if you could just…unzip your chest and hand it over. It doesn’t work like that.” She paused. “I don’t think it works like that.”
”Not for me,” said Rosalie.
”And not for me,” said Bella. “But then…Jake. Or something like that. You know what I mean. Him, them. I love Jake. Genuinely. Very much. It’s just all…” Bella waved her hands in the air, her words running dry.
”Yeah,” said Rosalie. “I’m familiar with the feeling.”
”Right. So you get it. I see him, and I’m just like…why? Why can’t I…”
”Unzip?”
”Right.” Bella bit her lip, restraining an urge to kick her feet in frustration. “But I can’t. Because there’s no zipper.”
Bella looked over at Rosalie, then, to see if she was getting through. The headlights, the occasional streetlight, and the sliver of moon all conspired to light the vampire to perfection. She glowed as if from within, a perfect moonstone. Her eyes were on the road, but her lips were moving, mouthing something to herself. She was listening.
”Do you think it would?” Rosalie asked at length.
”Do I think what would what?”
”If you were with a woman…do you think the zipper would appear?”
”No,” Bella said. “Or, how should I know? If, like, I could make a choice and summon a zipper? In my experience, my choices don’t have much effect on my life.”
”This metaphor is becoming mixed,” said Rosalie. Her lips were pursed. Something about this line of inquiry was getting to her.
”Anyway,” said Bella by way of changing the subject, “I don’t think I’ll have much chance to find out in the near future. Forks does not have a hopping gay nightlife, exactly.”
Rosalie said something too quietly for Bella to make out.
”What’d you say?”
”I said you could try me,” said Rosalie, maybe a bit too loud this time. “If you want to try…you could try me.”
”What, like for…kissing?” Bella grimaced, hearing the childishness of her own words.
”Sure,” said Rosalie. “I worked off all my shame a long time ago.” She pressed her lips together, then added, “I’m safe.”
Bella looked at Rosalie for a long moment. Though she was driving, she glanced back at Bella a few times, almost too fast for a human to perceive. Almost.
”You really are crazy,” Bella said.
”I am,” Rosalie agreed.
Bella turned the music back on.
***
Dawn over Forks. The sky’s grays brightening as the sun made its progress behind the cloud cover. The familiar turn onto her father’s street.
Here came the choices and confessions she’d been dreading. Here came—whether via explosion or implosion—the destruction of the life she’d been building.
It was different, though. She’d expected to be alone.
***
They pulled into Charlie’s driveway. Rosalie left the car on.
”Are you ready?”
Bella shook her head.
”Do you need to…go somewhere else? You don’t have to do this today.”
”No,” said Bella. “I do have to. Doesn’t mean I’m ready.”
”Yeah, okay.” Rosalie looked at the door, then back at Bella. “You want to wait another minute?”
”No, I—“ then Bella couldn’t keep talking, because all of a sudden she couldn’t breathe. The air had hardened, was trying to crush her from all sides. Her body was too heavy; she couldn’t hold herself up.
”You’re having a panic attack,” she heard Rosalie saying as though from down a long hallway. “Here, hold on…”
Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the blurry motion as Rosalie climbed into the back seat, slinky cat-style, and then clambered back into the driver’s, holding a chilled bottle of water.
”Here,” said Rosalie, opening the bottle and handing it to Bella.
Bella drank.
”Wow,” said Rosalie, “that worked fast.”
”No,” said Bella, “I think your freakish vampire stunt just kinda snapped me out of it.”
”Some of us,” said Rosalie, faux-haughty, “prefer ‘graceful predatory motion’ or ‘unnatural beauty’ over ‘freakish vampire stunts.’ Choose your words wisely.”
”Oh, I think I did.” Bella took a long, pointed sip from her water bottle. “This is cold.”
”…yes?”
”Do you have a fucking mini-fridge in your backseat?”
”You seem to be enjoying the benefits.”
”Oh my god.”
There was a pause.
”Drink more water,” said Rosalie.
”Okay, Mom.”
”Don’t call me that.”
”Yeah,” Bella grimaced. “That felt weird as soon as I said it.”
”Good.”
Bella finished the water.
”Are you ready now?” asked Rosalie.
”Still no. But I think I’m good to go in anyway.”
”Do you want me to wait here?”
Bella looked Rosalie in the eye for the first time since the diner. “No,” she said. “Come in with me.”
“Whatever you need.”
God, she fucking meant it.
Steeling herself, Bella opened her door and started to step out. There was Rosalie, having come around to the passenger side faster than Bella’s mortal eyes could track, offering her hand to help Bella down from the (admittedly ridiculously tall) vehicle.
”I should refuse on principle,” said Bella, leaning heavily on Rosalie’s arm as she stepped down.
”Maybe,” said Rosalie. They walked to the door, slowing all the while, arm-in-arm.
They stood on the doorstep for several long seconds while Bella got up the courage to use her key. She half-hoped it suddenly wouldn’t work, or that Charlie would happen to be out fishing—what day was it? Was it a weekday—or, hell, that she somehow had the wrong house. But the key turned and the door opened. And Charlie’s voice rang out.
”Bella?”