Christmas eve 1979
The thin layer of frost sits snugly upon the stone steps beneath Regulus’ feet. In the pocket of his cloak he nervously picks at the thread of his gloves as he stares upon the red wooden door and the brass lion knocker. Fucking typical that Potter would have such a basic bitch door knocker, the twat always was such a mind suffering Gryfindor dork.
Funnily enough Regulus hasn’t been standing outside the Potter mansion for the past twenty minutes trying to summon up the courage to knock for James. But not with that bloody knocker, he’d drown before he’d ever touch that cheesy hunk of metal. He needs to see Sirius, of course he doesn’t actually want to, he just needs to see him. At least that’s what he’s been telling himself for twenty-one minutes.
“Ugh!” He rolls his eyes at nobody in particular and turns to the railing beside him and in a fit of anger and irritation kicks the bloody shit out of it. Miraculously it stays up, if leaning to the left barely surviving on its screws is staying up.
Regulus huffs out in absolute fucking fury, he shouldn’t be here. Even if he does find the courage to knock there’s no promise that Sirius will hear what he has to say, four years and there has barely been two words between the brothers. And what if Jam- what if Potter is here also? He doesn’t have it in him to look him in the eyes. Not after everything. Not after James lay eyes on the burden that now cascades him left forearm. Permanent ink, dark like Regulus’ soul, like Regulus’ love that torments all he has ever dared to give it to.
“Fuck!” He kicks the railing again and again and again until the lining of his shoe is torn like the inner skin of Regulus’ thigh. Torn like his heart. He kicks it until his toes are bleeding and until it falls to the gravelly ground three steps below with an echoey clatter.
Once the anger is as far gone as it can be, which to be fair isn’t very far. His grim emotions never really go away, when he doesn’t need them they wait in the back of his mind, while they're there they often sneak past the faulty barrier he builds so he always feels just a little bit of pain at all times.
He brings his hand up to his pale, porcelain face and pinches the bridge of his nose, sighing out in aggravation. He stares up at the cloudy sky and prays to the gods that aren’t listening that the ground will open up and swallow him whole. That way he won’t have to knock but also won’t have to live with the shame of walking away.
Fuck this, he thinks as he takes his hand away, his eyes still closed. He isn’t brave, at least not brave enough to knock on that fucking door. Maybe Sytherin was the perfect fit for him, maybe even if he hadn’t begged for him to be put in there he still would have ended up with a green noose around his neck regardless.
He shoves his freezing hands in his pockets and opens his weary, tired eyes. Four years he’s been lacking sleep. He’ll die tired, hopefully soon too.
Cursing under his breath Regulus starts down the icy steps but stops short at the sight of a tall quidditch player frame and red converse. He sees the soft brown curls that one housed his teenage hands. Regulus stares longingly deep into the eyes of the boy he loves.
Loved. The boy he loved.
His breathing stops just like the first time he saw him, when his eleven year old eyes flooded with hatred for the boy who had replaced him. Only for that to be replaced with love like none he had ever thought he could experience. None anyone has ever experienced but James and Regulus.
Many long seconds stretch between the three meters that separate them. They haven’t seen each other since James graduated. Since James came to say goodbye and Regulus wouldn’t even look at him, he couldn’t look at him. How could he?
“Hiya.” James speaks first after many awkward seconds.
Regulus nods in deep acknowledgment then bites his lip nervously. James looks the same, the same clothes, the same beautifully gorgeous features, the same voice. He’s the same boy he fell in love with. Fuck he even has the same red converse. Regulus still has the green ones James gifted him for christmas so many years ago shoved somewhere deep into his closet next to his soul and his sexuality.
“...so, how much of that did you see?”
“Um, all of it.” James admits sheepishly.
Regulus snorts and rolls his eyes, “Sorry.”
“No you’re not.”
“No I’m not.”
James takes a single step forward and Regulus steps back simultaneously so James halts.
“What are you doing here?” His voice is so very soft and delicate, pure like his heart. Regulus thinks that people often lose sight of the value of purity especially in the midst of this war, James never has. He knows exactly the value that purity has and he holds his heart with pride. It’s more pure than Regulus’ blood ever was. In fact Regulus’ blood is tainted with the death of Merlin knows how many innocent souls. He’ll never be able to take that back.
Regulus scoffs away his train of thought, “How’s that any of your fucking business?”
James squints in confusion, “I live here.”
“So you do.” Regulus sighs.
“You’re being awfully vague.”
“Fuck off.”
“Reggie.”
“Don’t fucking call me that, Potter.” He spits in distaste. He sees the pain in James’ eyes but there’s nothing he can do about it. Or perhaps there is but he just chooses not to because he is a horrible person who deserves all the pain he’s living with. Instead he extinguishes James’ hopes, “I’m not here for you.”
“Didn’t think you were.” His voice is bland and void of emotion but Regulus knows he’s lying. Maybe James might not love Regulus anymore but Regulus knows him better than anyone, he knows James doesn’t want him, what he wants most is closure. Regulus has no intention of giving him anything of the sort. “Sirius doesn’t live here anymore but I’m pretty sure he’s here if you want me to get him.” His voice is so empty, it pains Regulus so much to hear it.
Regulus does want James to get Sirius. But… he also doesn’t. “No.”
“What?”
“No, I’ve changed my mind, I'm leaving.” Regulus announces as he takes the three small steps and turns left, his home is the other way but he’d rather die than walk past James.
What he wasn’t anticipating was for James to take a rushed step forward and grab his left arm, brushing over the fabric where just below lies his mark. He recoils on instinct and flinches away from James. Regardless he doesn’t let go, Regulus scowls at him but doesn’t pull away, he doesn’t want to, he craves James’ touch, has dreamed of it for years. He even fucked Barty to get his mind off of him but was instead plagued with haunting images of James’ soft brown skin beneath his tongue.
Regulus' gaze migrates from where their arms are linked down to the ground where he happens to spot in James’ other hand there’s clasped two shopping bags, both that seem to be from muggle baby shops. The truth is that Regulus already knew, he knew that James was having a baby but he hadn’t yet faced it, seeing it like that shoved in front of his face made it so much more real. He knows it will hurt but he wants to hear it from James himself even though he knows the answer.
He bravely meets James’ eyes, “Are you having a baby?”
James’ lips fold into a thin line before he nods solemnly, averting Regulus’ gaze, “Yeah.” He almost sounds ashamed.
“Evans?” Regulus asks, James nods. They were dating when they graduated, Regulus remembers. How could he forget? Well of course he never thought they’d last. Evans was very clearly somewhere on the queer spectrum and Regulus expected them to be done in a year or two. She had always hated him and it was very clearly a rebound from Pandora who was a mess at the time. “You married?”
Even before Regulus said it he noticed the shiny gold hoop on James’ finger. He very nearly dies at that moment. Before today he could at least imagine that James was still out there somewhere waiting for the war to end so Regulus could run back into his welcome arms. Now he can’t even pretend that such a thing is possible. He knew he was having a baby but he never got confirmation about if they were still together. He had held up so much hope. Pandora didn’t at least, she got married at eighteen. He can’t explain it, the pain that courses through his veins from the audacity that James has to act like this.
“Reggie.”
“Shut up!” Regulus shouts, an echo of his anger radiating from his shattered heart that was never really whole in the first place. He yanks his arm far from James’ reach and pushes him away with immense force. “You don’t have the right to fucking touch me, James. You’re nineteen and you're married in the middle of a war with a baby on the way? When did that happen? What were you thinking?”
James gapes at his sudden outburst but Regulus has kept this quiet for so long, too long he’s hidden so much from everyone in his crooked life, “Reggie, please just-”
“No, you don’t get to do this! To grab my arm and expect me to give you closure. You don’t get to talk sweet to me and call me Reggie like nothing’s changed and then drop the fact that you’re married on me. I didn’t come here for you and even if I did I would have the moral high ground.”
“Regulus stop!” James shouts for the first time, advancing but Regulus acts first.
“No!” He shoves James so hard but he doesn’t fall over, “No, You broke up with me, remember?”
“Yeah because you became a fucking death eater!” James howls so thunderously like a rabid animal, shoving a finger in Regulus’ face. For the first time he sees rage like none other he had ever witnessed from James. “What choice did I have?!”
“You could have joined me!”
“And then what?!” James roars, his face so close to Regulus that he could feel his thick breath upon his silky skin, “We would have killed people and then- then what?! Live with the guilt?!”
“Yes! What other choice did we have?!”
“Yeah but you forget that I did have a choice!” James screams, “I am a good person and I chose my morals over you!”
Regulus stops breathing yet again, he’s right. Regulus knows he’s right but he hasn’t faced it yet, he never will, he shakes his head slowly and whispers in James’ pathetic face, “Fuck you.”
“Excuse me?!”
“Fuck you, James!” Regulus shouts louder. “Fuck you! You don’t understand just what I’ve done for you and Sirius so that you can be happy and free! You won’t ever understand what I’ve done! What I am going to do for you! Fuck you, you absolute prick!”
“Fuck me?! No Fuck you! You haven’t done shit! You’re the same person you were when you were sixteen! A coward who’s afraid of love so you hide behind this lie you’ve made for yourself! You say bullshit like how you’re going to be a good person someday but guess what?! That’s never going to fucking happen Reggie because you are a bad person!”
The sucker punch to the side of James’ face shuts him the hell up, his face is bent to the side and he’s heaving but he doesn’t hit back. He won’t and they both know it.
He straightens to full height and stares Regulus down, “Did that make you feel good?”
“You have no idea.”
James clenches his jaw and scoffs as he looks Regulus up and down, then without a word he turns towards the house. Regulus isn’t facing the house, in fact his back is to it and James but that doesn’t stop the hair on the back of his neck to stand up straight and to go ice cold when James utters a single word.
“Sirius.”
Silence.
Regulus waits for as long as possible before he turns around.
He turns so slowly that time itself seems to stop, the ground below turns to jelly when he sees Sirius standing in the doorframe of the stoop where Regulus just stood for a long damn time trapped in limbo.
He’s a bit older than the last time Regulus saw him but still a mirror image of himself. The same grey eyes, the same black curls, porcelain skin and rosy lips. He’s sure that his expression is the same as well. Pure shock and shame.
“Regulus.”
Regulus offers a sarcastic smile, “Surprise.”
Sirius doesn’t look away from his brother when he speaks, “James go inside.”
“Padfoot I-”
“Inside now!” He repeats.
James abides after a moment's hesitation and passes Sirius into the house without looking at either of them.
After two more seconds of awkward silence Regulus breaks it because the sooner he gets to the point the sooner he can leave.
“Sirius you are going to put your childish trauma and your petty little comments to the side for five minutes while you let me talk.” Regulus politely waits for Sirius’ response because of his Black family etiquette but really he just wants to not piss Sirius off before he says what he needs to. But he doesn’t respond, forcing Regulus to fill the silence, “Sirius I know you’re not happy to see me and believe me the feeling is mutual but you need to listen to me.”
Sirius remains stubbornly silent. Some things never change. He simply runs his eyes over Regulus, taking in the sight of his baby brother. Regulus wishes he knows what he was thinking, the war that wages behind those eyes. A war spookily reminiscent of the one they are fighting on different sides of. The war that very nearly may kill the both before they can reconcile.
“You shouldn’t have come here.” Sirius speaks finally
“Yeah, why’s that?”
“Cause you’re a death eater and there’s about seven people inside who would happily kill you.”
Regulus chuckles a humourless laugh, “They couldn’t if they tried. And half of them wouldn’t.”
Sirius purses his lips in distaste, “I could.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Siri. If that’s what it takes to help you sleep at night.”
Sirius’ face is stone cold and lacking of any and all emotion, he looks like Regulus and that is horrifying surreal, “This is war Reggie. Nobody is sleeping.”
“That is the first true thing you’ve said, Sirius.”
Sirius smiles, the kind of smile that was in no way friendly, “You’re a death eater, that’s true.”
“And you’re a dickhead, that’s also true.” Regulus laughs, the words dripping in sarcasm, “This is fun, we should think of more things that are unironically true, hmm. Oh here’s one, I fucked your bestfriend.” He was being cruel but an incessant voice in the back of his head was screaming, feeding him lies about how Sirius deserves it, “But you already knew that didn’t you?”
“Regulus.” The way Sirius says his name makes him want to crawl out of his own skin but he isn’t stupid enough to show signs of weakness in front of others. Least of all Sirius.
“I bet you try really hard not to think about that.” The vile words roll off Regulus’ tongue with ease. It’s painful how easy it is for him to be this brutal but he supposes that’s just the way he was born. “But the thing is I am not here to talk about Potter.”
Sirius scowles at Regulus, “I don’t want to hear whatever you have to say.”
Regulus rolls his eyes and closes the space between them, walking up the steps to meet Sirius outside the red door that’s still ajar. Inside he peeks at the whimsical Christmas eve that they’re celebrating. Around a crisp, crackling fireplace there are eight people on plush red sofas, most of which he recognises.
Marlene, Dorcas, Remus, Peter, Mary, Lily, and two older people who he assumes are James’ parents, James is nowhere to be seen. The funny thing is they are all far from celebrating and instead staring directly at him over Sirius’ shoulder.
The sight of Dorcas hits like a knife to the heart. He hasn’t seen her since he graduated and Evan, Barty and him revealed to Pandora and Dorcas that they were death eaters. She cut contact and hasn’t reached out since and frankly Regulus doesn’t blame her. He still talks to Pandora, he knows that Dorcas and her are still in touch though the fact that Pandora has maintained a relationship with the three of them weighs heavy on Dorcas.
He takes a small step back out of the line of sight from the gawking crowd and faces Sirius once again.
“Some friends you got.”
“Yeah cause yours are such saints.”
Regulus shrugs, “Touche.”
“Regulus.” Sirius speaks sternly, “You need to tell me why the fuck you’re here or I’m going to-”
“You’re going to what?” Sirius doesn’t reply, “...yeah exactly.”
Sirius sighs and looks away and when he speaks it is the first time since their encounter that there is any emotion. This whole time it hurt so much how little he seemed to care but this was oh so much worse, “Regulus I am just going to say this once because I didn’t think I’d ever get the chance to tell you. And if you say no then we will go back to being strangers with the same name and believe me, I’m fine either way.”
Liar.
Regulus doesn’t want to hear what he says next, because no matter what it is, it’s going to end in tragedy. Regardless he prepares himself for the pain of brotherly loss.
“You know you don’t have to do this, right?”
“What?”
“This.” Sirius gestures to Regulus’ left arm, “Be a fucking death eater. The heir that Walburga and Orion want you to be. You don’t have to do any of this.”
“Why? Are you going to take my place, big brother?” He grins.
“Fuck Regulus can you just listen to me?” Sirius howls, leaning in closer to whisper in his face, “Join the order.”
“What?”
“Dumbledore, he’ll let you.”
“Merlin Sirius, really?”
“No, just please.” Sirius whispers in plea, “Please do this for yourself. Please save yourself.”
“You don’t want me to do this for me, you want me to join for yourself. So you can have peace of mind and believe me, I have no intention of giving you any such thing. It’s not what I want.”
“And this is?!” Sirius yells, “This life of lying and deception and murder?! You really want to be in the closet for the rest of your miserable life?”
“I never said that but I can’t-”
“Regulus, listen to me!” He took Regulus by the arms and shook him, trying to shake some sense into him, “You are going to die doing this! You are going to die alone!”
Regulus finally pushes Sirius off of him, “Don’t you realise you fucking idiot? I am already dead. I died when I was fifteen fucking years old and it’s way too late to bring me back!” An eternity squeezed into a few short seconds sits between those sentences, “You can’t save me, so stop trying.”
“Regulus you’re a death eater. You don’t want any of this and I am giving you an out. For once in your life stop being a fool and take it.”
“I am no fool!” Regulus declares loudly, he doesn’t tell him that he is also no death eater, not after what he has to do tomorrow. But he’s also no slave to Dumbledore, he is himself, he is on his own side of the war. He suddenly realises the volume of their argument and there is no doubt the entourage inside the house has been listening this whole time, “And besides, I’m not the death eater that you should be worried about.”
A crinkle forms in the corners of Sirius's eyes as he stares at Regulus in confusion. This is it, Regulus tells himself, just tell him what you came here to say and then you can leave and it will all be over soon.
Regulus takes a single seemingly innocuous step forward and stares back at the group of people that are still all staring at him, nosy fuckers.
His eyes land on the couch by the fireplace where Peter sits beside Remus, Sirius follows his line of sight and the two of them stare back, then Regulus leans extremely close so that nobody else can hear, “You should take a closer look at your friends. I think you’ll find that one isn’t as trustworthy as you may believe.”
Then Regulus steps back ever so slightly and watches as the realisation grows on Sirius’ face. He remembers weeks ago in malfoy manor sitting at the long outstretched table and seeing a familiar face enter up those perfect marble stairs. The blond strands and the plump face, the fear that snaked its way up his spine was enough to kill him a million times over.
It took weeks just for him to work up the courage to come to Godric's Hollow and now that he’s here he doesn't know if he regrets it.
“That’s not true.” Sirius speaks finally.
“Yes it is-”
“No! No it’s not he wouldn’t do that Regulus, you’re lying.”
Regulus waits, he waits for Sirius to finish the fight he’s having in his head but he never will.
“Sirius.”
He still isn’t looking away from the spot where Remus and Peter sit on the couch so Regulus urges him.
He rapidly shakes his head, “No! No! This isn’t true!” He starts to breath heavily as everything he feared becomes a twisted reality, then in a fit if rage he pushes Regulus away, “What the fuck Regulus?! You can’t just show up here and spring this bullshit on me! Get the fuck away from me!”
“Okay.” Regulus concludes without protest.
“Leave!”
“Fine!” He roars, “Fine, I’ll go but you need to promise me something!” He pulls Sirius closer and whisper yells, “You need to promise me that you are going to do something about what I just told you! You need to promise me that you won’t let him stab you in the back after I already warned you!” He pushes him back so hard he stumbles through the doorframe and Regulus steps forward into the line of view of everyone, James now stands away from the group staring at nobody but Regulus, he ignores him, “You cannot be the oblivious idiot that you are and let him kill you! Do you understand me?!”
He made sure that nobody else could hear him but he hopes he’s getting through to Sirius.
“Please!” Regulus begs, “Please promise me that!”
“Fine! Fine, I promise! Happy?”
Regulus stands still, content with the promise but not truly believing it either way. Sirius is the most loyal person he knows, in fact he finds it a shocker that he wasn’t put in Hufflepuff.
He looks around at the people that he spent so many years sharing a home with and looks them all in the eyes before landing on Evans. Her shiny red hair glistens in the crackling firelight, she is, against Regulus’ preferences, stunningly beautiful. She will make a good wife to James, they will live a life that is half happy and neither will ever be completely fulfilled. They have placed that burden on themselves that they now have to live with the consequences of
“Pandora’s married.” He tells her, she probably knows but he still wishes to do Pandora some justice. “To a man. Like you.”
She doesn’t answer, only averts her gaze to the twisting hands in her lap, coward.
Then he moves to Dorcas, she’s exactly the same as he remembers her, of course it hasn’t even been that long. She’s intertwined in a squashy armchair with McKinnon. She doesn’t look away, and she won’t. She’s too brave and cocky to give into cowardly instincts.
He should leave, he really should but he can’t seem to get his feet to move. Too many eyes on him, too many souls he’s let down in this very room.
Then his eyes find James’ parents and for a split second he imagines the life he could have had if things had only been a little bit different. Perhaps in an alternate universe. They would have been his in-laws and James would be happy with him, they’d spend a Christms eve like this together surrounding the fire with hot chocolate and Sirius would also be there. Their relationship would be good and they’d work to mend their wounds. But none of that is so and instead Regulus is here crashing this once lovely evening to bring solemn news of his own.
But that is pretty much all he had to say, he’s said it and now he’s done. He can leave… if he wants.
He doesn’t.
So to prolong his exit he strolls over to Remus and plucks the cigarette tucked behind his ear, lighting it with the snap of a finger. There’s surprise in Sirius’ eyes. Regulus never smoked before but he may as well now that he doesn’t have to worry about lung cancer.
He gazes down at Remus who stares back curiously, Regulus wants to tell him to take care of Sirius but he can’t. Besides, he knows. Regulus doesn’t bother looking at Peter and he can’t bear to look at Dorcas again.
“Well this was fun! We should do it again sometime.” Regulus smiles smugly to the crowd and struts towards the open door, hoping someone will stop him, nobody does. “I hope you have a fantastic life with your baby James.” Then he freezes and turns back, “I meant Potter.”
“You’re a petty son a bitch Reg.” and thank fuck he said that, thank fuck he said something that was enough to make Regulus stop in his tracks.
He turns around once again with a smirk painted across his cocky face and looks James right in the eyes, “And you’re fucking gay.” Regulus then turns to Lily and smiles at her, eyeing the spot on her stomach that is barely producing a bump, “And so are you. Mustn't've been fun to screw him was it? I would know. But trust me it would be a tad more enjoyable if you were a dude. He performs better that way.”
A loud scoff sounds from the corner where James still resides. Regulus puffs on his cigarette nonchalantly then bites the inside of his mouth as everyone stares expectantly. He wishes he could have made things better before today, when he still had time, now he’ll never get that chance.
“Regulus you need to leave,” Sirius states simply holding the door open for him.
Regulus sighs and flicks his cigarette into the fire before advancing out once more.
“Reg.” Dorcas whispers into the tense silence and he turns his head ever so slightly, just enough to catch the tragedy in her eyes. She knows. And he knows she knows.
Something beautifully devastating passes between them then. Something in a language known to none other but two best friends, he thrives off of it for he has been deprived of such corrupt endorphins for so long. At least he got one last taste.
A thick film glazes over his eyes as a heavy lump forms in his throat.
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
Thankfully he finds whatever strength he has left within to fight the demons that are squeezing his tear ducts and forcing him to become someone like… well someone like Sirius.
He passes off a sob as a cough and blinks away the persistent, unshed tears.
Fuck this is embarrassing.
For the first time since he got here he offers her a genuine, real smile. One flowing with all the unspoken truths he can’t voice, all those that he now never will. How he’s sorry, how he wishes he made better choices, how he loves her with his whole heart and how his childhood- which has sadly come to an end- would not have been the same without her.
And she understands Every. Single. Thing.
‘Bye’ he mouths slowly, enunciating the single syllable.
And Dorcas, she nods. Slowly and silently, and with that single movement of muscle she tells him everything he wants to hear. She forgives him. Out of the dozens of people he’s let down, at least one of them does. She doesn’t fight the silent tear that leaks from her eye, running a maze over her cheek and then disappearing at her neck. She’s brave, so very brave.
And what Regulus is most grateful for and also hates her for is that she is going to let him leave. She won’t try to stop him because despite how much he wants her to, she can’t, so she won’t.
And so he does the hardest thing he’s ever done, harder than writing the note that now resides in his pocket waiting for the moment it will be enclosed in that locket. He turns away from her and walks towards the door.
On his way out his cloak brushes up against Sirius’ sweater that is most likely Remus’. And Sirius sucks in a breath, he may not know what Dorcas knows but he can sense that when Regulus leaves his line of sight, something euphorically blissful is going to die. Regulus mourns that with him.
But once more when he reaches the top of the stairs his feet involuntarily stop, and his breathing grows calm. Sirius is a few steps behind him and his eyes feel like daggers to the back of Regulus’ head. If Sirius could see Regulus’ face then maybe, just maybe he wouldn’t be so silent. Maybe he would show Regulus just how much he loves him, he would show him how angry he is, maybe he would scream and cry and hit him, really just anything to show that he cares about Regulus, shows that Regulus is still his brother.
But he doesn’t. He just stands there waiting for Regulus to leave and as eighteen years of brotherhood stands between them Regulus prays harder than he ever has that Sirius will just do something.
But Regulus spent his entire life not taking the opportunities and letting them pass him by. He refuses to allow that to happen one more time.
So he lets the tears fall and turns around and not bearing to look Sirius in the eyes, he wraps his arms tightly around his torso and buries his tears in Sirius’ sweater, hugging him.
Sirius sucks in a gasp and instantly goes stiff and tense against Regulus. He doesn’t hug him back and that’s okay, Regulus wasn’t expecting him to. After all that he’s done Sirius shouldn’t give him the satisfaction of unearned love. But for one final moment, let Regulus be selfish, let him indulge in feeling warmth in the safety of his brother, his parent, his home.
Sirius can feel the silent sobs against his chest like how Regulus can feel the heartbeat beneath his head, the heart that pumps that same blood as him. And yet neither comment on it. Regulus opens his eyes and peers over Sirius’ shoulder to where James is standing crestfallen watching. He gazes on at the two brothers, at his lost love.
James smiles.
And Regulus smiles back.
Then the moment ends and Regulus pulls away, he turns and walks right down those frosty steps with only one railing, past the abandoned shopping bags and away from his brother.
As he puts one foot in front of another he tells himself how what he did was right, correct. For the first time ever, he knows he’s telling the truth.
He can go to the cave and Kreacher will destroy the Horcrux, saving James’ child and then he can be happy. The war will end and they’ll be free.
He did what he came here to do and he even got a bit of closure. Now he can go to that cave with a mind free of regret and torture knowing that they will all be safe, knowing that Sirius won’t let Peter betray them. Knowing that Sirius won’t fail himself like how Regulus failed him.
Sirius watches from where he stands shell shocked in the doorframe, he gazes at his little brother walking across the street without looking both ways. He wishes he would look back at him, look back the way Sirius didn’t when he left at sixteen because well- Regulus always was better than him. But he doesn’t because Sirius failed him.
Just as Regulus reaches the other side and disapparates, Sirius recalls what Regulus told him just before. It can’t be true, Regulus is lying to him. But in truth, deep down Sirius knows he’s not. He grew up with the boy, shared dinners and secrets, laughed and cried together. He is the only person alive who knows when Regulus is lying and he’s not.
Remus is the traitor.