Ocean Eyes

I've been watchin' you for some time
Can't stop starin' at those ocean eyes

First time I saw Maya was at the hospital when she was dropping off the nose, I looked up intrigued when this stranger ran into the ER dropping of the nose for the patient that came in earlier. Her voice was oddly calm for carrying a nose, her cute kind of puffy jacket and beautiful blond hair, I just knew I had to somehow find her and get to know her. Second time I saw her was at the bar, her blond hair easily recognizable. I sat next to her and just kept looking at the woman that already had me interested and I haven't even saw her face.  

"You look familiar" I tell her trying to strike up a conversation with this mystery lady. 

"Oh, I drink here a lot" She turns to look at me and one her voice is ridiculously sexy, with a slight rasp that makes me want to hear her talk more. 

"No, no that's not it. Were you at the hospital earlier?" Oh god..she keeps looking at me with those eyes. I feel like she can know what I'm thinking by just looking at me. They're such are dark blue. Like the deepest depth of the ocean. She looks sad, I wonder if that's why her eyes are such a dark blue. 

"Yeah, I was. I'm a firefighter I was bringing something." She looks hesitant, but her eyes almost are twinkling. Don't be silly Carina, it's just the lighting in the bar reflecting on her beautiful eyes. Her eyes that keep pulling me in a way, that I can't look away no matter how hard I try, not that I'm trying very hard. 

"Oh my god! Yes. you were the one who ran in with the nose." I smile at her getting excited that I have her full attention. Oh god she's smiling back, nope it's definitely her eyes are that are twinkling not the lights. Her smile makes her eyes and nose squint a little, I'm already a little addicted to her laugh. 

"Yeah, Captain Maya Bishop" she extends her hand to me to shake, and I gently take her hand in my mine. Her hand is surprisingly soft for a firefighter, she somehow manages to have a soft and tight grip. 

"Doctor Carina DeLuca" I smile at her; she gives me a smile that almost looks like a half smirk. She's definitely cocky, and I am intrigued to the point that I have to get to know her more. 

"If I buy you a drink, will you tell me the story of how you ended up carrying a nose in a plastic bag?" I smile at her, but I notice the smile on her face almost drops, and her eyes that were a lighter blue and twinkling, went back to the dark abyss blue. Almost like I can see the wall building back up. 

"Sorry, I'm drinking alone tonight." Her smile completely gone; I want to hurt the people who made her smile diminish when talking about the event. Aren't firefighters always so happy to share their saves? Or is that a myth? Is she from the same Station that Andrea went to? I look away not wanting to be too desperate for her eyes on mine. 

"Are you sure?" I ask and go back to looking at her hoping for at least one last look at the eyes that captivated me from the start. She looks back at me almost like she was ready to tell me to leave her alone. I smile at her, and she does her half smirk half smile while her eyes are shinning again. Small victories, her eyes are still dark abyss blue, but it doesn't look like there's a storm in her eyes. 

"Maybe not" her voice low and husky, her eyes pulling me in more. Her eyes that very lightly remind me of Arizona, but Mayas are different. Arizona eyes were light blue, they never really changed, they were either lighter or darker depending on the weather and what she was wearing. Mayas eyes for the short time I've been looking at them, change depending on her emotions and what she is feeling. Already they've changed twice, lighter and calm waters when talking to me and dark waves crashing against rocks when thinking about her job. I can see anguish and sadness in her eyes when she talks about her job.

From that night one, we would try and see each other often. Not for sex, just to talk. She would tell me how her work was, how no one respected her and question her every move. She often had to stop my Italian fury from going to the station and giving them a piece of my mind to stop bullying their beautiful captain. Their beautiful captain who often looked at me with soft blue eyes. Who remembers that I won't just go to any coffee shop or Italian restaurant. Their beautiful captain who often looks haunted from the work. Their beautiful captain who often ask me about my work, and how many babies I delivered. Who looks me with her captivating eyes, that I can't look away from. Who I feel can see into my soul, whose eyes change with the weather too. That when it rains are eyes get darker even when she's happy. But not like scary dark, like deep water on a cloudy day. With little light coming through. Beautiful. Breathtaking.

The first time Maya and I sleep together its unexpected, well as unexpected as we didn't really plan it. She invited me over to her place, under the pretense to eat dinner. But when I arrived, I was blown away by how much effort my blue eye beauty put into the evening. Lavander rose petals on the flower, candlelight dinner. I knew she ordered takeout but it's the thought that counts. We eat dinner, enjoying each other company. Making jokes. Light teasing touches, the air is filled with sexual tension that we both want to give into. It starts slow, on the couch first with me straddling her, kissing her. Her touches igniting my skin, making my body feel like it's on fire and I need her to extinguish the ache between my legs. She makes an awkward joke about needing CPR. I then look at her eyes, dark like a blue sky. Like a storm is coming, one that we should hide and take cover from. But not me, I wanna lose myself in Mayas eyes, I'm not scared of Maya eyes or her. When she lifts me up and carries me to the bed and I feel her arms flexing under me, I let out a moan. She smirks in the way that I like that cocky smirks that makes me crave her more. When she moans when she sees me in the lingerie that I have on. Her eyes roaming all over me. Like I'm her prey. Like I'm hers. When she cums from my tongue then fingers, her eyes roll in the back of her head, her breath doing little gasp while clinging to me. I didn't know her eyes can get any darker, but when she looks at me wanting more. I can't help but moan by looking at her eyes. Her eyes that devour me, that make me look at her when I orgasm. 

The first time I come to the station and to see Maya at work, is to bring her lasagna after hearing how bad her day is going from Ben. I knock gently hoping I can sneak in for a little make out session from my favorite pair of eyes. I don't hear a confirmation to come in, but I go in anyway not wanting to be away from her anymore, especially after the amazing night we had.

"Hi!" I smile at her; I notice her eyes look icier blue today. I think it's the uniform; it's my first time seeing her in it in person and my god I didn't think she could get anymore good looking. 

"What are you doing here?" she looks mad, or shocked. Maybe both. I get it, an unexpectant visitor. 

"I saw Warren at the hospital he said it was a tough day. So, I brought you lasagna!" I look up at her expecting her to be happy that I made food for her or care for her. But her eyes, that one that just night before were looking at me with so much lust and longing are now looking at me with anger, sadness, rage. Like she's trying to protect herself. But from what and more importantly from who. 

"You can't just come to my work." She looks guarded. Like the Maya from last night is no more. 

"But Warren just said." I get ready to defend myself to her, hoping she'll like the gesture and not that I'm clingy.

"Carina, you're hot but all we did was hookup. I don't need a girlfriend." She doesn't sound like my Maya from last night. She's like we didn't go on numerous dates before. That she doesn't know anything about me. She's acting cold. Which would explain why her eyes are different than what they usually are. She looks scared almost, like I'm backing her into a corner. 

"Wow, um my apologies then it was nice meeting you." I look at her eyes one last time, still seeing them guarded. I turn to leave. I get as far to the door when she comes up and prevents me from going to open it. 

"I'm sorry." She says in the same soft tone as yesterday, as the other hundreds of times we've hung out. The same tone that called me hers, the same one when she moaned my name while I was on top of her. 

"I'm" I don't give her the chance to finish her sentence not wanting to be hurt by her. 

"Rude?" I look at her hurt that she would put her guard up around me.

"Broken" She sounds so broken when she says it, like she already expects me to leave her.

"I'm not in the habit of fixing broken people" But I know it's not true, I stayed in Italy to take of my dad, I moved here to take care of Andrea. And Maya, my maya who looks at me with such a soft expression, I would stay for her, but not the Maya who is rude to me, she'll hurt me. I don't think I could recover from Maya hurting me. They are both Maya but one lets me in, lets me take care of her. But which will I get, I can't do the back and forth, the hot and cold. I can't. Not again.

"I understand" She opens the door for me to leave and I almost do. It's so easy to walk out that door and not look back. To not look at the woman who could easily break me. But I do the one thing, the one thing I shouldn't had. I look into Maya eyes, God those eyes that were icy blue not a minute before back to my soft dark blues that captivated me back in that bar. Her eyes that basically speaking to me. Swimming with emotions, emotions for me that say I'm sorry. That say don't leave please, I'm sorry. Her eyes that look directly into mine, following my every movement. Her eyes that I could get lost in willingly. I mean who could blame me for giving in and staying. I grab her by the back of her neck kissing her. It's not rushed, its soft, passionate like last night. She gently moves us and pushes me against the cabinets that is near the door. She pulls away smiling with that half cocky grin and I smile at her not wanting her to pull away completely. 

"The lasagna almost smells as good as you" she whispers lowly and her eyes meet mine, my favorite color of blue. Soft blue. No anger, no guarding. Just my Maya. I laugh at her, and I kiss her again. We don't move from our position for a little bit, not wanting to break out bubble. Eventually though she does have to go back to work, but not before showing me around her office and kissing me goodbye with the promise of seeing me soon when we both have off. 

I remember the first time I fully spoke Italian to Maya, not just small phases, but a full sentence we were at her place. She was a little hesitant to go to work today, relucent. Like she was doubting herself and her skills and that just cannot happen on my watch. Maya is amazing at her job and she's an amazing person and I will be damned if she doesn't think that.  

"Sei bellissima, sei forte, sei tenace" I smile down at Maya while I play with some of her stray hairs. God she is so beautiful. Her eyes look half asleep, her voice is light, like no one can bother us at any given moment. Like it's just me and her, in our world. 

"I don't understand a word of this but somehow it's working." I let out a small laugh.

"Go shine your light Bella, tell your truth. Dammi un bacio" She lets out and excited laugh and leans up. Her eyes twinkling, looking little stars. It's so easy to get lost in Maya, it's a little scary if I'm being honest.

"Is that kiss me?!" I laugh at her excitement and kiss her willingly. God how is it that I'm already falling for her.

Burning cities and napalm skies
Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes
Your ocean eyes

First time I met Maya mom its sudden, unexpectant, and yes very very awkward. I went to go visit Maya at work because we've hardly seen each other since coming back from vacation. I text her letting her know I'm coming; I didn't expect for her to meet me outside of her office and drag me in there and start kissing me before the door even closed. God I've missed her breathy moans, her little gasp of pleasure. Her eyes, my favorite shade of blue, dio mio if I could, I would drown happily in her eyes. 

"We have to stop" She breathes against my lips, I'm addicted. 

"We shouldn't be doing this at work?" I tease her pulling her towards her desk. She makes a noise of confirmation while I'm kissing her. Not wanting to take my source of addiction away from me.

"We are on the taxpayer dime." She laughs into my mouth once I push her into the desk and she puts her hands behind her to try and stop what's going happen.

"And they're not paying you to make out with me?" I tease her while I move my hands around her neck, wanting to put my hands all over her. Her eyes are looking at me like she doesn't care about anything, they have almost this daze look. Like a small mist over the sea. I love this look. She looks so out of control, and she only gets like that with me. My queen of the clipboard wanting me to take control.

"We can reimburse them." I laugh a little. 

"Okay" We start to kiss again, my hand going towards her pants getting ready to undo her belt, until we're very rudely interrupted by a knock at the door. We barely have time to get separated when the door opens, and I think his name is Dixon pokes his head in and tells us that Maya's mom is here. I look over at Maya to see how she would react. We've talked very little about our family besides the basics. I noticed that she really doesn't talk about home life, just more so Mason and when she was running and the Olympics. Besides that, her home life is a mystery to me. But I'm happy going at her pace. I keep looking at Maya seeing her getting anxious and nervous. Her eyes darting almost anxiously moving around. She went from calm and ready to very unholy things in this room, to looking anxious. Dare I say? Scared. 

"Hi" I smile at Maya mom hoping to draw attention away from Maya so she can calm down. I don't even need to look at my favorite pair of eyes to know they went dark abyss blue. 

"Hi! Are you one of Mayas fire women?" She asks and I laugh shaking my head. I take notice of the similar features between her and Maya. Her eyes are light shade of blue. Mayas are my favorite though. No one can come close. 

"Uh no, I'm not a fire woman. I'm doctor Carina DeLuca" I smile, and I let out a little laugh at Maya um what's the expression gaping like a fish face. In shock. 

"Oh! You're my daughter doctor!" I try not to laugh at the situation. 

"Um, no. I am a doctor but I'm not Maya doctor." Not that she'll need one in my specialty with how much time is spend down there. Maya and I look at each other. Me not knowing how to tell my girlfriend mom that we are together. Maya looking at me with wide dark bright eyes, nervous eyes. 

"Did I walk in at a bad time?" She asks and I can hear Maya say oh my god next to me and I again hold back a laugh at the situation that we in.

"Uh no, I was just about to leave. We've wasted enough of the tax time." I feel Maya hand seeking mine. Seeking comfort like she has many times before. I give her my hand and give her a comforting squeeze. To calm her down, to let her know that she is okay and safe here. I tun to look at Maya and I take a deep breath making sure she does the same before I leave. I turn back to my favorite eyes to seem a little calmer, the waves aren't crashing behind those eyes anymore. If only I knew that this would be the last time, we were happy. 

I learn more about Maya childhood when I was helping mama Bishop set up for the spaghetti dinner, even if I would never eat this American slob of "Spaghetti" (I mean who really breaks the spaghetti in half) I wanted to join Maya and support her. The minute Maya comes in still with her turnout pants and suspenders hanging down I knew she wasn't in a good mood. Her eyes were dark. And not like my normal dark. Just dark, angry, rage. Like there was an ongoing battle behind those eyes. Her voice was thick, raspy. I know it's from her usual yelling at the scenes but today is different. Like she wants to yell, that she's holding herself back. That she is so close to snapping and yelling at the first person. But she's controlling herself. I can see she's not mad at me, she's not even looking at me or acknowledging me. Her sole focus is on her mom. She yells at Dixon but even then, its controlled, like she knows she shouldn't but wants to yell. I'm just a bystander watching the match between Maya and her mom. It comes to a shock when Maya says that her dad wasn't abusive. I stand there and look at Maya and my heart breaks. She is so close to tears, the storm behind her eyes getting worse and more dangerous by the second. I see when Maya finally acknowledges me, trying to make light of the situation. Maybe even hoping I agree with her, that she did deserve that. that maybe her mom was overreacting. the storm lessons when she sees me but when she looks back at her mom. Its back with a force. I go over to Maya and hold her hand and arm in mine. Shes not even trying to hold my hand and that breaks my heart more than I thought it would. When she walks away slowly disconnecting me from her and doesn't even look back at me. It hurts, feels like I lost a piece of her. 

When I go to visit her in her office, she's there. Crying. Alone. I look at her trying to figure out what to say. The storm in her eyes finally broke. Her eyes, that just this morning was such a beautiful blue that was light and happy. Is now dark, stormy, burdened. I start talking about my dad, how much I love my papa, how he was my hero. But because I looked up to him and put him on a pedestal, I couldn't see how much damage he has done. I couldn't see that while I loved him, I had to learn to read his moods and not to walk on eggshells scared that one wrong thing would set him off. Maya still refused to look at me, I had to spin her chair. Happy she didn't resist. I start talking about how there are different types of abuse. And what her mama described was abuse. When I see my favorite eyes come close to me. And I see it, the same Maya from before. The one that tried to kick me out. Her icy blues are back and while yes, they are beautiful and memorizing it also means she's trying to be strong and build her wall. She comes even closer, not yelling at me per say just more so trying to convince herself that he isn't abusive cause she has all of these things because of him. I can tell she is pissed, and she tells me as much. She looks like she wants to say more but then backs away and goes back to facing the door like I am no longer in the room with her. So that's what I do. I leave. I leave and I tell myself that she just needs space that everything will be okay soon. If only that was true.

The next time I was with Maya, her eyes was soft baby blues. On the verge of being icy blues. I know Maya wouldn't yell at me. I knew that even if her blue eyes weren't my ocean eyes, I will take sky blue eyes. And while it may warm my heart that if I did have bipolar Maya would stay by myside and help me. It also breaks my heart that she thinks she doesn't need help. As I keep talking, I can see her baby blues turning into icy blue. But it's like I can't stop myself from talking. I see her retreating back behind her walls. Like the past few months meant nothing. I know that isn't true but why can't she talk to me! She asked me to leave because she needed space, and maybe I should've left. but I wanted to be there for Maya, like how I wish someone was there for me. But Maya isn't me. And says so as much when she yells at me that she slept with Jack less than an hour ago. How? How can the same face make you feel so right and alive but bring you so much pain. Heartbreak. How can the same eyes that looked with so much love a few days ago, even a few hours ago be the same person that came through that door. That yelled at me that they cheated on me. The same eyes that use to make me feel so safe and loved to be the same eyes that almost look at me with hatred and anger.

The next time I saw Maya she was outside the hospital her hair short, and brunette. No more her beautiful blond, the blond that was so easy to recognize. I was standing outside with Teddy in line waiting for some terrible coffee, but bad coffee is better than no coffee especially with four mothers on the floors. I hear someone call my name, but I know that someone, it was the same someone who broke my heart the same one who used to try to make me drink her nasty smoothie. That voice belongs to my favorite eyes. The eyes that look like the ocean with how blue they are. 

"What do you want?" I look at her trying to avoid looking at her eyes knowing that one look would make me cave in. I wrap myself with my arms trying to shield myself. But I know she wouldn't be here to hurt me, but I'm also not ready to take her back again. She hurt me, she cheated on me and threw it back in my face to hurt me.

"I'm an idiot, you were right. I was abused; my dad was abusive. But that is no excuse for what I did to you" I can tell she is starting to ramble and get anxious by way she is moving her hands and taking deep breathes, I still try to avoid her eyes. Knowing that the instant I look up, I would see the storm behind her eyes. The look of regret and remorse, a little bit of hope. Some anger but no directed at me, directed at herself for hurting me.

"Just please, please take me back. I love you. And I've never said that about anybody before besides Mason, so it means something. I love you, Carina. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just please forgive me." I can hear her voice crack one the end of her sentence. I finally look up and I was right, I can see the storm in her eyes, dark and gloomy but with hope that I would say I love her back. I wanna scream that I love her back, but she hurt me. My head is screaming no don't take her back. She hurt you. This heartbreak broke me more than it did with Arizona, I knew Arizona and I wouldn't last. She would eventually go back to Callie with Sofia, I accepted it but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. With Maya it was a hundred times worse. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Because my god I love her so much. 

"Oh my god, forgive her" I look at Teddy and make disgruntled noise. "Sorry, sorry."

"She cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend and just threw it in my face just to hurt me. And what I'm just supposed to forget that? I'm supposed to trust you" I look directly at Maya in the last statement. Wanting to know how much she hurt me. But the way she looks at me hurt in her eyes, she knows she doesn't deserve to be forgiven but she's here. Beginning me to forgive her, to take her back. And God it's so easy just take Maya back. To take her in my arms and never let her go, and just pray our problems get better. But will it? A relationship is built on trust, can I trust that Maya won't hurt me again.

"I don't know, I don't know. But I'm okay spending everyday trying to convince you to." I look at Maya eyes knowing she is telling me the truth. That she would really spend every day to win back my trust, to get me to forgive her. But I already forgive her, but she is right she needs to earn back my trust. 

"Forgive her" I look at Teddy again making the same disgruntled voice. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but if you love her forgive her" I look back at Maya knowing that Teddy is right, and I love Maya so much. I look back at maya and I'm brought back to the day in her office that I could've easily walked away. And I could easily walk away now. Lie and say I never love Maya, but Maya and I know both that's it's a lie. That I fell for her first. I make a frustrated groan, before looking at Mayas hopeful blue eyes. 

"I love you Maya!" I see her smile and I feel myself smiling with her "Come over here and kiss me" She comes in my arms before I even finish my sentence. And we kiss and we both smile into the kissing. Feeling whole again, feeling like my heart is getting put back together. I know we have a lot to work on and that she has to really earn to my trust back. But I'm hopeful for our future knowing that everything will be okay with us.

You really know how to make me cry when you give me those ocean eyes.

The next time I notice a different emotion behind Maya eyes is when Andrea died. How she didn't leave my side for not a single minute how she took off work to take care of me. She looked at me with concern when she saw me in the shower. Her voice so soft while speaking to me. Her soft dark blue eyes paying attention to me as I describe why I won't lay on the bed cause it's soft, and that because its soft I'm going to cry some more. She looks at me so much concern, empathetic and sympathy. I can see that she wants to take my pain away but doesn't know how to. She offers me to scream, that to screw the neighbors that I have every right to scream cause of Andrea death. Her eyes that look like she feels guilty that you feel this way. That she is also mad that she can unburden my pain. That she immediately leaves and offers me space when I say that her touching me is too soft. While she may not understand it really, she lets me go. She sees when I start spiraling out of control feeling that everything is on top of me, she listens. Offers to help, encourages me to scream. Her eyes following my every movement, ready to catch me if needed, ready to offer me comfort when I was for it. She is never truly far away.

The next time I come out of the shower I see that she made me food, encouraging me to eat. She tells me that she sorted everything out. She helps unburden me saying that she took care of Andrea funeral and arrangements. I let a tiny smile knowing that she probably made a clipboard to help me out when I was ready. I look up at her and I see sadness in her eyes feeling like she isn't doing enough to help me. I see love in my favorite eyes, knowing that she is taking care of me. That she will always be there for me. I can tell she would gladly take away the burden of me calling my dad for me, but also knows I need to do this on my own. When I start talking about Andrea and start blaming myself. She looks scared and concerned; she begs me to blame her so I can be able to breathe again. Her eyes look so sad and desperate to help me. Like she would literally do anything and everything to take my pain away. She notices when I start to close up again, that everything is too soft. I know it pains her, but she listens to me and lets me go and gives me my space. I can tell it's killing her not being able to help me out more. Even though she has helped me out more than she realizes. When I finally work up enough courage to call my dad, she is close enough again. Ready to take the phone and yell if needed at my dad, and the thought comforts me. Knowing that someone will take care of me. She looks at me in shock when I tell her that my dad knew that Andrea died and never called me. I see anger in her eyes, rage and protectiveness over me. I can tell that she wants to grab my phone and yell and scream at my father and defend me. That even if her dad is abusive, this is a different type if cruel. I know that will protect me always no matter what and no matter from who. When she takes me to station to scream, I can feel my throat burning, with how loud I'm yelling. Once I let out a yell of anguish I look over at Maya and she takes me in her arms in and instant ready to comfort me, ready to rub my back until I can't cry no more. By the time we make it back to the apartment I'm exhausted, I asked Maya to make me some tea for my throat. She nods quickly but while I'm waiting for the tea, I lay on Maya side of the bed, and I fall asleep rather quickly smelling Maya under me. I'm comforted at the fact that I can smell the woman I love, the woman who is so attentive to me, to all my needs. I love her so much, more than I thought was capable of loving another person. 

The first time Maya and I help a patient give birth it's at the station. I have helped a lot of women give birth in random places but never a fire station. I'm groan once I hear Maya, and her crew come in. I yell at everyone to get out or help. They all leave except for Maya which I'm grateful for, since it would just be me and Ben. She is quickly by my side gowned and gloved up. I hand Maya the baby girl while I continue to help Nancy. Once she is good, I nod over at Maya to bring the baby over. I feel my favorite ocean eyes looking at me and I look up just in time, to see the love showing in her eyes. Like she's utterly amazed by me. I can tell she is smiling under her mask by the way the corner of eyes is scrunching up. Once everything is set, I go over to the washroom and start cleaning myself up. I'm barely in there for a few minutes when, my favorite person comes in and I smile widely while she looks at me with her eyes sparkling. I love when her eyes look like there are tiny stars inside them. I blush slightly when she compliments my work. not many people do, but for her to say that fell in love with me all over again, makes me happier than I thought it would. And she kisses me so lovingly, so soft, she pulls me close about the hips not wanting to let me go. When we break a part, we smile at each other, and she ask me how my meeting went with Bailey and when I tell her she made me cry I see Maya get a little tense. Her eyes instantly going into protective mood. I laugh at the thought of Maya storming up to Miranda and yelling at her for making me cry. I tell her it was a good cry, and she relaxes instantly, nodding at me and I can tell she has something on her mind when her eyes go from little sparkles to looking at me a little tense and scared. her smile fades when she tells me she leaves with me to go to Italy with how busy they are with PD. I can tell she is really disappointed about her when she looks down and away feeling like she is failing. I tell her we will be okay, and she looks at me, her eyes shining with hope. That I'll be back before we know it. Her eyes go back to being the light shade of blue knowing that we will be together soon. She smiles and whispers promise against my lips, and I nod and whisper it back holding her lightly on the side of her neck holding her close. Not wanting this moment between us to end.

I've never fallen from quite this high
Fallin' into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

The morning before I left for Italy is full of sadness, but thinking back to memories around the apartment. Maya circles around me never wanting to leave my side, almost like if she doesn't keep looking at me. I'll disappear which given that I'm about to leave in a few hours. I can see how sad her eyes are. They are not their normal blue, they are light blue, not their normal dark abyss blue. I know when they are light blue, she feels anxious and scared. I can feel her eyes always on me, checking me out. almost like mapping out my body, like this is the last time she'll ever see me. Then she brings up marriage and I'm quick to turn it down. Why would we ruin what we have? Doesn't make sense. I can see that maya is getting more and more on edge with how much I am talking with Gabriella and being with her. I can see her jealousy side acting up. While I don't blame her, she would just have to trust me that I love her and only her. No one even compares to Maya. I can see her eyes getting darker and darker which each passing second. I can see her getting more scared and the waves in her eyes are thrashing, close to tears. I can hear voice cracking a lot. I don't even notice that my voice is rising until I see Maya body tense up and she looks away to stop herself from crying. I can't help but start apologizing like crazy because I know it's not her fault and that we are both tense from the current situation. Especially when she pulls away from my touch. We both look at each other both of us close to tears but feeling like we can't really express them correctly. It wasn't until we both relaxed where we both said we are scared. I feel sad when she thinks that Italy is my home and not that she is. So, I tell her as much. We both see each other perspective and understand each better. I grab Maya hand, and I look at my favorite blue eyes look at me, no more thrashing waves against the shore. Only love with mixed with sadness. I'm sure my eyes look the same. We both say sorry and loves you before she pulls me in close and kiss me hard, like this is the last time she'll kiss me. Which depending on when my passport gets renewed it will be. I move to stand between Maya legs and fall backwards carefully on the couch. We somehow end up on the floor, moaning each other names. Wanting to take our time but knowing we don't have a lot of time. We don't even take our jeans off wanting to please each other one last time. Once we are done, we lay next to each while I softly stroke maya toned stomach knowing this will be the last time and it pains me to admit it. Our alarm rings letting us know our time is up. We started to talk about how looking at vaginas being ripped about would make me lose interest with sex with woman. But happily, it doesn't because I love Mayas, God how will I be able to be apart from the one thing I crave the most. We start talking about having babies and not wanting to get married. How marriage is a trap, and we are happy the way things are. That is until Maya suggests getting married for me to stay, I tell her I'm not getting married just because of my visa. She looks at me in shock, like that would be the only reason we could get married and not because we love each other. I understand how it would sound like that but it's not true. I just don't believe in marriage. I know we don't want to separate from each other, but it is not a reason to get married. How did we go from so happy to yelling at each other. And wanting to take a break. The messed-up part, I can understand Maya point of view that it would be difficult that after months of living together to suddenly being separated for God knows how long. I can tell Maya is getting anxious to the point of giving herself a panic attack. So, I tell her to breath to calm down. I can see she is spiraling about the situation but offering to take a break is not a choice here and yes, I agree we have learned more in the past two hours that we have our entire relationship. But I think we got married when we moved in together. I am aggressively packing while I hear Maya rant. I hear what she says about Gabriella, and I look at her in shock. That this would be our last time together. Our last time together that should be a happy ending, ended with us arguing and on the verge of breaking up? Broken up? On a break? What the hell is that? What does that even me? Would she go back to self-care Wednesdays? Would I? I shake my head on the verge of tears not knowing where my relationship with Maya stands and that breaks me.

On the way to the airport, I call Gabriella to talk about what just happen hoping she would be on my side.

"So, she proposed?" she asks confused.

"I was more like we should get married I guess." I roll my eyes.

"No one wants to be proposed like that" I tell Gabriella, and she looks at me confused.

"I don't understand are you against marriage or against bad proposals?"  

"Gabriella, you know my parents nearly killed each other. They separated Andrea and I." I start getting ready to go on a rant when she stops me,

"Okay, okay listen to me. Everyone's parents get divorced that's not a good excuse not to get married."

"Marriage is not real." I see Gabriella taking off her layers of mask.

"So, get a divorce in two years so what" I look at Gabriella getting frustrated" 

"What Maya and I have is real and I don't need a piece of paper of paper to tell me that and I don't want to run into a situation we might we regret, in a couple of years just because of paperwork" 

"So, you are willingly to lose it instead?" I shake my head because that's not at all what I want. I want Maya it will always be Maya.

"We said so many horrible things" I feel my eyes getting watery. 

"Tessoro, I've known you for half of my life and honestly I have never seen you as happy and at peace as I did when I saw you with her. Even in grief you were at your happiest, deep down inside your heart you know what you should do. You should be celebrating the fact that her country even allows you to get married." I sigh knowing she is right. God I really do love Maya and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I look at out the window and see that I'm nearing the airport, and I shake my head. I tell the driver to turn around and head to the hospital where I know they were going to meet Ben. The driver pulls up at the hospital and I see the blond hair of the girl I'm so deeply in love with her. I start walking towards her and I see Andy nod over to me and Maya turns around. 

"Marry me!" I walk closer to her hurrying my steps wanting to be closer to her. "Marry me. I know I'm a stubborn idiot and I don't want to get married just because the government says we have to, and I still think marriage was invented to keep women as property, but I much rather do something that I don't want to than lose you." Maya dark blue eyes are especially vibrant. I can tell she was crying. 

"Carina, I don't know if I want to have kids, and the world is a mess right now." 

"Yes, the world is a mess right now and the world is changing right now as we're standing here. The world is changing and its beautiful we can worry about kids later. But what I know is that that I want to be in this beautiful mess of a changing world with you. Please, please bambina marry me." I sniffle knowing my voice is cracking and I some tears escaping me eyes. She looks at me, my favorite ocean blue eyes looking back at me with unshed tears and looking so full of love and hope. Maya just grabs my face and kisses me deeply while holding my face close. 

"Yes" I sniffle, and I smile brightly at her. 

"Yes?" I ask to confirm what she just said. 

"Yes" She barely has enough time to finish saying it before I grab her by the face kissing her passionately. Both of us pulling each other closer not wanting to let each other go yet. Once we break a part a little, I push some of her hair behind her ear and I look at Maya eyes. I smile seeing my favorite eyes, the eyes that I will forever look at and never get tired of. The eyes that look at me so much love and softness that I could almost melt on sight. The eyes that change colors depending on her mood, depending on who looks at her. Her eyes that are looking at me witch some pink from crying and I sniffle looking at her, not wanting to look away from her. Our heads get closer together smiling before we kiss again. I let out a little moan not wanting to stop from kissing her. We hear Ben coming out and asking what he missed. We stop kissing and turn towards the group, I hold on to Maya not wanting any space between us.

"We're getting married" I tell the group. I lean my head against Maya temple kissing it gently. I really don't want to separate from her. Even when the group comes to hug us our arms stay wrapped together. Then like magnets we're pulled back together instantly. I can't stand the fact that we were nearly separated just now. I don't ever want to be apart from her anymore. 

The morning of wedding I was in the bedroom choosing my make up when I hear Maya humming in the kitchen, and I smile to myself before going to the kitchen and seeing my soon to be wife wrapping the sitting card in little scrolls so we can place them on the table when we get there. I poke my head from around the corner and I see her swaying gently back and forth and I can't help but join in singing with her. She turns around quickly and looks at me and my heart starts beating faster when I notice the colors of her eyes. My favorite dark blues, just a little lighter. Not my abyss blues, but still deep blue. My ocean blue, the blue that always never fails to make my knees weak. Okay fair, all her different shades of blue make my knees weak. Okay that's a lie; Maya just makes my knees weak. Shes looking at me with so much love and affection and she pulls me into her to dance with me. I smile at her, happy that I will spend the rest of my life with her. She looks so happy and carefree, like we are not in the middle of a pandemic. Just us, in our own little world. Our own happy bubble. Like nothing can ruin this day for us. We continue to sway while exchanging kisses and talking. I feel her hands grazing the top of my butt and I smile. Her eyes that I can't seem to look away from, they keep pulling me in. Her eyes are telling me she loves me, that she wants to be with me forever. So happy to be with me. She chooses me. Only me. We should be getting ready, but we just can't seem to let each other go yet. I bring up the question if she wants to invite her parents, and unlike before. Her eyes stay focused on me, still light, still happy. We are barely out of each other arms for more than a minute before she pulls me back in her arms and I go willingly like I will continue to do forever. She starts swaying us again and I smile and put my arms around her as she pulls me in for a kiss. She moves to finish doing some of the wedding decorations done. But it's my fault to not let her go. I pull her back to me with her hand still in mine. And she doesn't even resist and comes back in my arms smiling at me. I can't stop looking at her, her eyes pulling me in. Her eyes full of love and adoration. Her eyes that look at me like I'm her everything. When she sings to me 'She is mine' my heart almost stop because she says it with such a softness and looking at me like she wants me. Like she craves me. I just can't help but kiss her and pulling her towards the bedroom. Which is dangerous game to play, we lose all concept of time when we are together. We didn't even hear when Andy came in, we heard when something dropped in the hallway and heard a phone ringing. And because Maya is still dressed and I was not, she went out to confront her friend. I hear them talking about how Maya still hasn't chosen her wedding dress, and I come out while I'm still doing my hair and tease her that I could've chosen the dress for her. She says that is bad luck and I laugh shaking my head at her. I head back to the bedroom to finish getting ready. I leave while Andy is still helping Maya get ready and head to the restaurant to get dressed.

I get to the restaurant, and I smile looking how everything is set up. And while I've never imagined my wedding, this just seems perfect. Intimate and small. Perfect Maya and me. I look over at Vic and I thank her for doing this for us. We both start getting emotional and she hugs me tight before sends me off to finish getting ready. I wait until Ben comes and gets me letting me the ceremony is starting. I walk out and I hear Vic singing and I saw Maya on the other side of Ben. I try not to look at her too much knowing that I will most likely push him out of the way to get her in my arms. I look around and see all our friends here and I even see Maya moms in the audience, and I smile. I smile knowing that we are both very loved by our chosen family. Once we get to the makeshift altar, Maya and I finally face each other and we both of tears in our eyes. Andy comes up to us and takes out bouquet from us and I eagerly take Mayas hands in mine. I look at Mayas eyes and see them my beautiful deep blue sea. With unshed tears but still so bright. Like there's a small constellation inside them. I'm so deeply in love with her. She mouths the lyrics to the song 'I love you and I always will' I take a deep calming breath from stopping myself from throwing myself into her arms and kissing her like crazy. Once Vic finished singing, we turn towards her and start clapping. I turn to look back at Maya and she is already looking at me and I take a deep breath as she grabs my hands again.

"I understand you wrote your own vows?" Ben looks at us before I can nod yes to him Maya gasp.

"Oh my god." Her eyes wide in shock.

"What?" I look at her thinking she's joking and forgot about something else. 

"I forgot we were writing our own vows." She says slowly like it was impossible that she would forget something like this. I just laugh and smile at her knowing she wouldn't do it on purpose, and that she genuinely forgot.  

"I got so excited about everything else. I'm so sorry." I see that she starts looking around for answers and that she is getting nervous and anxious, and I just laugh and pull her attention back to me.

"Hey, hey this is perfect. It's okay." I see I got Maya attention again and I take a deep breath so she can do the same.

"Listen to yourself, queen of clipboard Maya Bishop was so excited that she forgot. I love that" I smile at her, and she laughs at my little hops. I smile seeing that her eyes stop being anxious and are calm again. Before she looks around again and apologizes to everyone and I just laugh at how cute she is.

"I love you, and I chose you. Forever." Her ocean eyes now starting to cry and I squeeze her hand to comfort her. We hear someone sob and we look towards the source and see its Maya mom and she starts apologizing. When we start turning back to each other I wipe my tears away and I look at Ben.

"I don't need to say anything else. We're good." I nod looking at her. I'm trying so hard not to cry. Tears of joy that this amazing woman will be mine. That I will be able to call her my wife. We don't even let Ben finish his sentence for the I do's before we agree quickly with him, and everyone laughs at how eager we are. Maya is looking at me like I'm the only person in this room. That it's just me and her. Again, we don't even wait long enough for Ben to say kiss the bride before Mayas lips are on mine. We momentarily forget that we are not the only two people here but are quickly brought back to reality because everyone keeps hollering at us. We reluctantly pull away from each other and we get pulled on to the dance floor. The rest of the night is unforgettable, full of dancing and surprise kisses, meeting Maya mom again. Once the night begins to wind down, we get a moment alone together. I tell her why I think I didn't want to get married because of my family drama. Maya looks at me with so much and attentiveness as I tell my story. her hands never leaving mine. Her eyes following my every movement. God, I got so lucky with her. We start laughing that we avoided all the wedding drama, and she starts leaning in close to kiss me and I close the gap between us. Sadly, we are interrupted but the knowing we will be alone soon, sends a shiver down my spine looking forward until we can leave. Soon we get pulled back on the dance floor by Andy, until she leaves, and we hear the song At Last by Etta James come on and Maya pulls me away almost hiding so the attention isn't on us anymore. I smile and she twirls me around slowly. I feel her eyes checking my body out slowly. Taking in every curve, every dip. Every freckle. Then she pulls me in close, like we are trying to mold our bodies together. My arms around her neck, hers around my waist again hovering against my butt like she's afraid to be inappropriate with me. The thought makes me laugh in my head. Our foreheads leaning against each other slowly breathing each other in. That we did it. We got married. We are wives. My favorite person, with my favorite pair of eyes. Her eyes that are looking at me with want and lust. I try not to give in and take away from this now and find a dark corner so she can scream my name. She notices the way that body is reacting and smirks at me and starts teasing me by whispering in my ear everything she wants to do with me. I jokingly move her hands from around my waist to behind her so I can stand above her a bit. Whispering that all I want to do to her. Our smiles infectious, our hands exploring. I shake my head smiling and I turn her around slowly pulling her back against my front and I moan lowly in her ear as my hand explore up her thigh over the dress, teasing her. Promising her of the night ahead. She pushes back against me and turns to face me again. Guiding my hand down to her butt and I smile at her. Her eyes turning to abyss blue as we keep looking at each other's lips and her hands are now grazing the side of my butt. I whisper to her to stop teasing me, and to behave because no matter how intense Maya gaze is, I can feel other people looking at us. Maya meanwhile teases me with the prospect of leaving and I was about to agree until we see Andy coming up to us. And with that. Let the wedding drama begin.

I've been walkin' through a world gone blind
Can't stop thinkin' of your diamond mind
Careful creature made friends with time
He left her lonely with a diamond mind
And those ocean eyes

Once Andy interrupted us and told us what is happening with Maya job. My favorite blue eyes that were looking at me with so much love and affection and lust. Turned into Anger, confusion, disbelief. I look at her as she decides what she wants to do. I can see her fighting herself from going over there and knocking Sullivan out. I can see her fighting back tears that a team member who she stood up for betrayed her. Andy thinks we could go to the chief office and question his decision. I can see that Maya is trying to figure out what to do. Until Sullivan questions Andy why would she that it was Maya fault. I look at Sullivan in disgust and anger, I start getting ready to move towards him ready to insult and curse his family in Italian and in English. Until I feel Maya holding my arm. shaking her head at me. We agree that we will all go to the chief's office and confront him. Maya is the first one in the office, Andy standing next to her, I'm in between them but more towards Maya. They both start fighting with him Maya and Andy together are a powerhouse. His arrogance is pissing me off, I just can't help but shake my head at this whole situation. I try to tell him the kid lived so Maya suspension is ridiculous. He just starts shouting again. Maya stands up for herself to him, but in doing that she now has to choose between staying Captain and losing Andy. I see hat Andy is ready to lose it, and I hold her wrist to calm her down and that my wife will handle this. The second option is to step down and keep Andy at 19. He is blackmailing my wife, and I can't do anything but watch. Watch how my wife has to choose between her friend or her job. I know whatever Maya will choose, Andy would understand. I look at him ashamed. Not knowing if its my place to yell at him. But I stay quiet. When Maya steps down I can see how much it pains her and Andy. I see how angry Maya is but yet when I reach out for her, she accepts it. Maya stands up to the chief again telling him that Andy should be captain while she is gone. That is when it's revealed that it didn't matter what Maya did, Andy was always going to leave 19. I look at him in shock at this manipulation. Maya leaves the room dragging me with her, so she doesn't risk losing her job further. We head back to the reception and notice that no one has left yet. I subtly notice that Maya eyes get darker, looking guarded. Wanting to keep the mood happy, she starts playing music again. Wanting, no needing to be in control of this. And I let her. I let her pull me in for a dance, but we both know while we are still happy, our smiles are a little more forced now.

Once everyone leaves and it's just us. No fake smiles. Just us, I wish it was like before. Where every touch burned with hunger. every look was lust filled. And now. Now its sadness, tears behind the storm that is brewing inside Maya eyes. Touches of comfort. I pull Maya in for our last dance. I pull her in close, our foreheads touching. I softly stroke the side of her face putting some of her hair behind her ear. Our bodies swaying together gently, slowly. I look at Maya and separate our faces to look at her. Gently nodding at her, letting her know, that she is safe, safe to cry, safe to scream. She looks at me with so much sadness and heartbreak and anger. She looks so close to tears, that with just a little push I know she would break. I wish I could take all her pain away. She throws her head back trying to hold back the tears. But the dam breaks. I pull her into me laying her head on my shoulder, as I stroke her hair as my other arm is wrapped around Maya. Protecting her. Her arms clinging to me as I am the only thing keeping her afloat. I move my arms to behind her head still playing with her hair, as I hear her start sobbing and her body shaking. God, I wish I could murder Sullivan and her chief for hurting my bambina. My wife. My everything.

Once Maya and I agreed to have kids, Maya and I needed a moment to ourselves. Ever since our wedding, we never got to go on a honeymoon. I figured since she has the next two days, that I could easily take time off work and surprise Maya. I put on some sexy lingerie and throw some flower petals on the ground and hang red curtains up. Light some candles but not real ones. I bake some chocolate cake knowing its Maya favorite. I get the wine and champagne chilled and now all I have to do is wait for my wife. I don't have to wait for long when I hear the keys in the lock. I let out a little laugh when Maya asks if she is in the right apartment. I laugh when Maya asks if we are making some homemade porn. After almost three years together we still crave certain intimacy with each other. Our kisses always wanting more, that longing feeling. I unzip Maya jacket a little aggressively and she smirks at me, my favorite pair of eyes looking at me. Her normal dark blues are very light today, like when the sun hits the water just right and you can see everything. I can see everything in Maya eyes. I can see the little challenge in her eyes, looking at my every move. Letting me take the lead. I can tell she wants more and faster but I'm in control. I will set the pace, and I know that my very sexy strong wife is very stressed and tense at work. What kind of wife would I be if I didn't help her out. When she comes closer to me her hand sliding up my thigh, I lean close and turn my head already getting ready to kiss her. I move my hand up to her cheek holding her close. Kissing my favorite lips deeply. But I break away, I did promise her a massage after all. I move us to the bed and slowly help her undress taking my time to look at the beauty that is my wife. Once she is undress, I start giving her a massage, slowly massaging every sore spot, all her pressure points. When she started moaning is when I started having trouble to finish the massage. I wanted to be knuckle deep inside her causing those moans. I get my wish not even two minutes later. I couldn't keep myself away for much longer. Not with Maya moaning like that. After we finish what I think is round 3, I really can't be sure. I tell her we should start counting our blessings in our life. 

We start out by facing across from each other, but her legs are calling for me, and truly do you expect me to stay when Maya body looks so delicious after our strenuous activity. I start tracing small patterns on her leg as we go back and forth on our blessings. She starts trailing her fingers up and down my back and arm. 

"Number 2" I smile when Maya kisses my shoulder. She touches my birth mark gently. 

"This freckle" Our voices low not wanting to disturb this bubble we created for ourselves. 

"It's a beauty mark, and we are counting blessings not body parts" I tease Maya as she kisses my shoulder again. I smile and look at her as she stays kissing my arm. I take her hand that was trailing up and down my arm and kiss the back of it.

"Well, I am feeling very blessed by your body parts" I smile at her. Her eyes mixed between love and lust and want. 

"Hm number 3, a healthy body" I hide my smile behind our hands, kissing hers again. 

"See!" She bites her lip while laughing.

"Number 4, you turning what could've been a day full of grief and housekeeping into the most romantic day of my life" I bite Maya finger, needing to be kissing some part of her, any part. All her parts.

"Aside from our wedding?" I ask while smiling at her, holding her hand. I feel bad bringing up the day that she got demoted. But for me that was a romantic day, the best day. My favorite day. I try to move the conversation away, trying to keep it light. 

"Number 5" I smirk at her, and she looks back smiling at me knowing what I'm thinking instantly "Multiple orgasms" I whisper against her lips as I start getting on top of her moving the sheet away from our bodies. 

After round, I forgot to keep count. Our stomach starts to grumble wanting food, so we sadly put on clothes on. Maya in some panties and a lose shirt, while I wear just the robe. We walk into the dining room where I had the cake ready for her. Once I cut a slice, I turn to give it to Maya, but I'm surprised to feel Maya right against me and lifts me up on the table. I let out a squeal and she laugh and sits on the chair in front of me. We start talking about some of the latest rescues and birthing mothers and clinic days. We start talking about a patient that came in and wouldn't stop looking at me that made me uncomfortable and I told Maya and she stormed in the little room and starts yelling sat him. 

'I did not say that!" she says as I feed a piece of cake. 

"You did!" I laugh as she gets up and goes to fridge to get some chocolate syrup out.

"Oh and you did it that Maya way!" I get excited. 

"Maya way? What way is that?" She looks at me confused.

"The way you get when things aren't in order. All stiff, like you are trying to control every muscle in your body." I make the face that I've seen a hundred times.

"What! I make that face?" I smile at her and clap.

"Oh, the face is the best part!" I make the face imitating her "I'm Maya Bishop" Maya comes back to sitting in front of me holding my hands.

"Oh my god. I'm going to be the strict mom aren't I." She looks amused. Her eyes looking at me with soft look, like she's thinking about our future together. Her light soft blue eyes looking far away. God I could never get used to the way Maya looks at me. It never fails to take my breath away. Her smile relaxed; her body relaxed. This is how she should always look. Too bad her job is very stressful and I'm not talking about risking her life every day. 

"You know I spent my whole adult life bringing babies into the world then watching them roll away. I never get to see how they've turned out or what kind of mothers my patients will be. Just, welcome little one bye bye, have a nice life" I look down at Maya and she is looking at me like I created everything. Like I'm a goddess. She often calls me her goddess. By the way she is looking at me makes me body feel like it's on fire. 

"You want to be the one that carries." Maya says like it's the most logical thing. 

"We can talk about. I know you are an athlete and will probably want to experience it." I try not to cry by the way Maya is looking at me. Love, adoration. 

"No, it's you." She stands and move in between my legs.  

"And for the egg?" I try taking deep breathes to relax my heart rate. "We can try IVF or"

"Nope, it should be yours. I want to hold a little you." I didn't think I could love this woman anymore but here she is, proclaiming that she would want nothing more than to have a miniature me. My god, I'm so close to tears, while she just looks at me with those ocean blue eyes. Her eyes that pull me in, I can tell what she is feeling right now. Wanting, adoration, tenderness, endearment.

"I want them to have these eyes, that nose" she kisses my nose, and I giggle as she holds my face so that I can't look away. "And this freckle. I want to have another version of you that I can count my blessings on" I'm trying so hard not to cry. So, I do the next best thing. I grab her face and pulling her in and kissing her. It's not rushed, slow. Full of love. I pull away taking a deep breath. 

"And I have some ideas and some places to where to put this chocolate sauce." Maya looks at me laughing. 

 "I told you; we're making porn." I laugh while she smiles at me excited for whats to come

"No Maya! Okay maybe a little bit" she pulls me in and kisses me deeply taking the sauce and taking my robe off, I love this woman so much. 

Maya and I are studying to prove that we married each other for love and not for my visa. Which two things can be true at the same time. She comes home from a long day at the station and comes in our room as I start waking up on her side of the bed. She comes up and kisses me softly. 

"Hm buongiorno bambina" I smile at her, and I can tell right away that she is tired and happy to be here. Tired from the drama at the station, but happy to be with me again.

"Whatever you said to Sullivan I think you scared him." 

"Good, I'm sick of his moves"

"Well, I don't think the Beckett thing is a move, he definitely is a drunk. But Sullivan is definitely sleeping his way to top." I make a noise agreeing with her. 

"You'll get back there bambina" She looks at me with her eyes shining with hope. Happiness. Her eyes calm, the waves coming in soft. But very blue, I smile as I get close to her. 

"Should we study? Oh, look your left eye is bluer than your right. I'll write it down like clipboard Maya Bishop." I tease her gently wanting her to forget all the work drama. She smiles brightly at me, her eyes squinting with how hard she is smiling. 

"But first." I get close to her and kissing her gently. 

"But first what?" She whispers against my lips. We start laughing into our kiss as she starts getting on top of me moving us back on the bed. I fix her hair a little bit so it's more behind her hair. And there it is. My ocean eyes. The eyes she only has for me. Soft, full of love, looking deep into my soul. Like she can see everything I'm feeling and thinking. We mouth I love you to each before going back to gently kissing, both of us knowing that we are both too tire for anything more to happen. I hope we can always be like this that our touches will always comfort us. That we will always be safe in each other arms. 

No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you gimme those ocean eyes
I'm scared

In the six months since the green card interview, we haven't had success with IVF. And Maya, my dear sweet Maya. While she looks at me still with love in her eyes, her eyes are the dark abyss. I know it's from the bullying from her and I wish she would talk to me about it. It's like she is shutting me out and I have no idea why. And that pains me more than all the negative tests. I can see how much she is hurting with each test negative, but she doesn't tell me. She keeps quiet and comforts me and that's all. And I always question if she wants to keep doing this but then she encourages us to try again. To be there for every test, for every insemination. I was at the station today to help with the women's defense class but also for another try for IVF. Andy and I go off to find Maya and see her in little competition with Sullivan. And as much I love watching Maya workout, she's been doing it a little much. Running a little more often. Less spending the mornings with me and already on her run. Once she stops, she looks at Andy then at me her eyes softening when she sees me. We get to the bathroom and start setting everything up. Her voice is clipped, like she just wants to be done with everything. I stop and look at her, she notices that I stop moving and looks over at me and takes a deep breath and I see the. My eyes, the eyes that look at me with love. But I can see that she is not truly with me, like she is still being bothered. I know it's not by me but by here at the station. She tries to make me feel better, but her eyes never waver in love. Her eyes still blue, getting lighter the longer that she is looking at me. I know she is sorry, I know she is just stressed from being here and Beckett being more than an asshole to her. I wish I could help, but I don't know how to help. It wasn't until later that evening when I found out why she has been so stressed. She blackmailed the chief, Beckett knows and is hurting her knowing she can't do anything. No matter how mad at the system, I'm madder at Maya. God why is she so stupid. Doing something so dangerous and irresponsible. I tell her as much when I find her on the roof. What was supposed to be a calm discussion turned into yelling and screaming. I don't even remember everything I said. I think I say something about how she makes me feel like I'm living with my dad. But God, that's not true. God her eyes, my eyes are no longer mine. They're icy blue. Blues that scare me, the blue that means she's angry and frustrated. I vaguely remember calling Maya that, like she is no longer a person. I know she needs help, but I can see the hurt in her eyes. She looks so angry and on the verge of tears when I say If when I refer to having a baby with her. Her body is tense, her face so hard and skinny. Her eyes wide, scared, angry, as strong rage. I can see a violent storm behind Maya eyes. That scares me, like I lost her. 

It's been a few months since that night on that roof top, and nothing got better. Everything got worse, and when I thought everything would be okay. She ended up in the hospital and I had to 51/50 her. I saw my favorite eyes and person into something they are not. Cold and lifeless. Someone who I thought would never look at me like that. Like they hated me but still cared for me. Like I was the reason she was in pain but that she also wanted me to the be person take her pain away. But I couldn't be her punching bag anymore. I let her go so she can live, I had no choice but to commit her. I needed the person who I fell in love, to be that person again. So that we can be happy and continue our journey. So, I had to do the one thing that would hurt me more than anything. Leave. I had to leave her so she can be better. 

The first time that Maya looked like her old self, I was in my office with Miranda talking about the clinic. I heard a knock on the door and never would have expected Maya to come in carrying tray of food. She looked like her old self. Like she was the same person who told me that she wanted a mini me to count her blessing on. I didn't want to look at Maya. I didn't want to see the eyes that once looked at me with hatred, back to the eyes that I fell in love with. The same eyes that I've always felt drawn to. I keep staring at the lasagna she brought. Thinking of all the good time we have shared and brought each other lasagna at work. Miranda tries to ease the tension, but I can't get over the fact that Maya kept shouting me that we are over if I left. I know I shouldn't have taken her words to heart, but how can I stay if doesn't get help. And not for job, not for me, but for her. To be better. To do better. I try to keep up a strong front. Try to show her she can't easily be won over by lasagna. When she tells me she loves me, with her blue eyes. The eyes that a sparkling with joy, happiness, hope. She goes to wave bye at me but sees my face and only waves at Miranda. Miranda tries to convince me that Maya is doing better, and that's she is reaching out to me to show that she loves me. Begrudgingly I eat a piece of the lasagna, and I start crying. Thinking about all of our good times. How she cooked for me but also brought it me in her work uniform. Meaning she left work to come her, but she could've dropped it off her before work. Miranda is trying to impart wisdom on me about her and Ben. During her story, my stomach starts feeling funny. Like it's coming back up. The next thing I know is that I am hunched over the toilet and Bailey is telling me to go home.  

I'm hardly at the hotel longer than 15 minutes when I hear a knock on the door, I go to open it and see my wife there looking at me with concern. Her eyes, her ocean eyes. Checking all over my body, making I'm sure I'm okay. She gets 10 words in before I run to the bathroom, throwing up the mistake of a lasagna. I vaguely here walk into the hotel room but stays outside the closed bathroom door. I tell her to go away, she refuses. Why is it when I don't want her, she comes? I start going on a little rant saying that I won't be part of her checklist, that I'm done being her punching bag. But I could never be done with Maya completely. I see her eyes when I sleep, I smell her scent on my clothes, I can still feel her lips and hands on me. Even I try to get away from her, I can't. I try to be strong; I try to not want her. But I can't. I ask if she can bring me a blanket and not even a few seconds later is she in the room with me covering me with it. And before I can stop myself, I look up and see Maya eyes and I want to cry. I see my Maya, my Maya who looks at me which so much love that never fails to fill my heart with joy. The eyes that look at me with heart eyes. That looks at me like I'm her world. God. She even looks healthy, her skin looks healthy, no more flat hair, no more dark circles under her eyes. She doesn't look like a shell of herself. It would be so easy to just, jump back into her arms, especially when she looks at me with those eyes. But how can I be sure that once I do come back, she'll continue to work on herself and go to therapy.  I can't focus on that now as I started to throw up again. She sets up and IV bag and hooks me up into it before going behind me to rub my back. 

"Don't you have to be at work?" I asked confused because the Maya from two weeks ago wouldn't even think about leaving work. 

"I am at work, non-stop vomiting can be serious. I am a paramedic preventing a catastrophe." I let a hum and try to hold back a smile. 

"A catastrophe that you literally baked into a lasagna. How do you mess up a lasagna?" I shake my head knowing that she has seen me do it so many times by now.

"I don't know, I thought I did everything right. Okay, I was in a hurry, and I wanted to get to you while it was still hot. I might've taken it out of the oven a little early." I look back at her a little, my heart warming up a little bit at her confession.

"How early?" She gives me a soft smile. Please Maya, stop looking at me like that. Stop looking at me like I'm yours. How does she look so kissable. No Carina be strong. You can do it. 

"Did it at least taste okay?" I forcible have to bite my tongue from calling her bambina. I lean back into her, feeling comfortable and safe in her arms. 

"Thank you for coming." I tell her softly. She starts rubbing my arms up and down.

"Thank you for letting me in" I fully relax against her, feeling calm. Sadly, the moment is interrupted by Maya phone going off informing her that she is needed back at the station.

"You have to go?" I sigh already feeling sad at the prospect of losing her again.

"No, I'll stay." She says with so much confidence. Like there is nowhere more important she would be, than holding her sick wife.

"Maya." She wraps her arms around me again. 

"No, you be dehydrated, you could be sicker than we think. I don't" She pauses like she doesn't want to tell me her thoughts, or maybe even getting her thoughts together. 

"What?" I encourage her softly. 

"I am afraid that if I walk out that door, I don't know when I will see you again." Shes scared to me, or more like she knows she lost me and wants to cherish this what might be her lost moment with me. 

"Hey, you will" I don't know when, but I know we will see each other again and talk about everything. 

"I'm going to check in, in a few hours and let you know I am doing." I turn to look at her and see a few drops have already dropped from her heart eyes and see more at threatening to come out. I gently wipe them away and she kisses my forehead, really breathing me in and hesitant to leave me. Like I'll disappear if she is not holding me. But Jack test again and she leaves slowly and constantly checking on me to make sure I'm okay. I do later let her that I feel better and thank her for being there with me when I didn't know I would need her.

The next time I see Maya, is under dangerous circumstances. During the hospital lockdown. I've been so busy with emergency surgery, then helping to get the baby up to the Nicu. I was going to try and calm down until I got pulled into helping a birthing mama. I never checked my phone, thinking it's probably dead. I go to grab some supplies for the birthing mama when I see her. She stops in front of me, sweaty and out of breath. Still in her uniform, dirty, like she just came from work. But that can't be, Maya would never leave her job for me. Before she would, the Maya before she lied to me and hid stuff for me and blackmailed to get her job. But here she is front of me, with those eyes. Eyes that looking at me so scared. Worried. She stares at me for a few seconds taking me in, checking to see if I'm hurt. 

"You're okay." Her breath coming out shaky, like she can't believe it. That I'm standing right in front of her. 

"I have a mama at 6 centimeters, I have to go" I try to put on a brave face, so she doesn't see the effect she is having on me. 

"Yeah, you have to." Her blue eyes, that look so frighten keep looking at me. Like she can't believe I'm here. 

"Thank you for coming." She looks relieved that I didn't yell at her. I wouldn't have yelled at her. But her eyes, my deep blue abyss, with a little coming back in. So scared but with hints of relief. But a small smile adorning her face. Later on, after the mama gives birth one of the nurses tells me that my wife is waiting for me in the waiting area. I go in search of Maya and see her sitting in the back corner with her eyes close. I know she is not sleeping by the way she is breathing. The next thing I know she is with me in the hotel room, on top of the bed keeping me safe. I will always feel safest with Maya, no matter what we are going through, she is my person.

After the whole debacle with the fake abortion clinic and going to the station to talk to Maya and tell her that I want to be with her a lot, a lot, a lot. Seeing her eyes brighten up hearing that I want her. Her blue eyes looking healthy and happy. I tell her that I want to let gravity pulls back towards her but that she also has to win me back slowly. Then she looks at me with a little smirk/smile and her eyes, my eyes, bright like a kid on Christmas getting presents. And asks me out on a date. It took a few days for our schedules to synch up, but eventually we decide I would go to the station for dinner. I find Maya in a bunk, and she looks shocked? To see me, like she forgot I was going to be coming by. But she quickly recovers and acts like it really is a first date. Which makes me laugh because we are literally married and want kids together. She mispronounces my name which has me smiling and shaking my head at her silly nature. I can see she has something to tell me, her eyes looking a little scared, but happiness shining through. Like nothing can bring her mood down. She takes me on a tour of the station, keeping up the act that it is a first date. She takes me to the beanery where we see Vic and Andy and Vic instantly starts joking with us calling herself Dr. Hughes, I laugh at their silliness. It's all interrupted when I get a call from Pam assistant saying that she is in labor and stuck. I get Maya and Ben to come and help me. I start second guessing myself when Pam calls me Carina and not Dr. DeLuca. I see Maya side glance at Pam then me. But I can't focus that my wife is jealous, even if she looks very attractive with her jaw clenching. Don't even get me started when she found out that we went out for drinks, I think Maya thought of ten different ways to hurt Pam. She keeps looking at me from the corner of her eyes, like waiting to see if it's true. But I was lonely, I never thought of it like a date, just more as someone who won't ask me how Maya is, because she doesn't know Maya or my history. It was easier and freeing. But I never let her think it was anything more than two friends. But Maya, doesn't know that. I notice eyes changing colors, from the beautiful blues to the dark blues, like she is trying to control her emotions and thoughts. I can tell she is jealous; I can tell she is upset that she doesn't know more, but there isn't more to tell. But then she volunteers to get under Pam to prop her up while she gives birth. And I feel her in tense staring, I feel like she can read my heart and soul and hear my thoughts with how she is staring at me. I look at her and I feel my heart almost stop breathing, seeing her eyes that was so dark not even ten minutes ago to go back to that blue that looks like a cool blue, still dark but with freckles of light in them. What is it called again? Heart eyes, she is looking at me like I'm her everything, that she can't imagine me not in her life. Like I'm hers. Only hers. Later when we are back at the station, she looks at me in awe and tells me that I was amazing, but I can still see a little insecurity behind her eyes. And not even a second goes by before she is back to asking what Pam is. And I tell her the same thing as before that she is a friend. I can see that she got frustrated with that answer when she says that doctors aren't supposed to fraternize with their patients. I see her take a deep breath to steady herself. I try calming her brain down by telling her, it was just drinks between two friends and that I was lonely. I can see she isn't happy with my answer, but it's true. Everyone from the hospital and station all know about Maya and wouldn't stop asking me how Maya is. When they all look shocked that I left. They look at me with pity, and I didn't want that. She's quiet for a while until she tells me what Dixon wants her to do. When she tells me she really wants her job back, I start building my walls back up. I can't believe she would do this to us, when we are finally getting back to an us. But before I even finish my thoughts, she tells me, she doesn't want her job like that. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, hoping she didn't notice my reaction. But luckily the conversation changes and before I know it, she is kissing me. She is holding my face and kissing me with so much gentleness and love. God, how have I missed her lips against mine. How I never want to stop kissing her and say hell to taking things slow and to have her take me in the Aid Car. But I pull away sadly, knowing that going slow is what we need. Once we finish kissing, she looks at me, and again I have to restrain myself from having my way with my wife. She is looking at me with so much love and happiness. Like she also doesn't want to stop but knowing we have to. And with that, the date ends with me telling her to call me to ask me on another date. All I want to do is run back into Maya arms and kiss her and never let go. 

Our second first date, doesn't go any better. We go to Joes, where we first met. I start telling her about all the births that happened. I tell her that I want to open my own practice so I can make my own hours so I can be more flexible for our kids. Our kids. I look over at her and she her smiling at me. I start rambling and try to divert the conversation on to why she is taking a personal day. I can see her getting worked up about Chief Ross but quickly changes the topic by asking for a drink. Which I am grateful for not that I don't want to hear her let out her frustrations unlike how she was before. But because I don't want her to get upset when this is supposed to be a happy time. She turns to look at me with little smirk reminding me this is where we first met, like I would forget when we first got together, where we talked for hours and hours. Where she first captivated me by looking at me with her eyes. My favorite color, her blue eyes. We order our drinks and hear some noises behind us and see 3 women coming in wearing dresses. Helm tells us they're from a bachelorette party; we try to ignore them to continue our date until we get dragged on to the dance floor. We are trying to calm the group down and leave until the one in white tries to climb on the bar and falls hurting herself. I groan wishing for once that Maya and I can have a normal date.

We start administering first aid or well we try to. Except for the fact that she can't stay still. I tell her to that her future husband won't care what she is wearing or how she looks, he'll only care about her. I turn to get more gauze from Maya when she is already looking at me smiling. Looking at me with her lighter blue eyes. My ocean eyes. 

"I remember the first time I saw my wife at our wedding." I look at Maya while she is telling the story.

"For a few seconds everything stopped, nothing else existed it was just me and her against the world." God, it hurts how much I love Maya. I feel her eyes looking at me and it pains me that I just can't turn around and kiss her. Hearing from her perspective our wedding. She starts telling the bride that marriage is scary but that's what makes it worth finding that person you want to experience everything with, the ups and downs. I can feel her eyes never leaving me. Like telling me what she is feeling and wants to tell me through the bride. We both turn to look at each other when she says that how you know. She looks at me, smiling at me. Remembering when we first say I Do to each other. I look at her opening she can the impact her words have on me. I can still feel her eyes on me, and I try really hard to stay focused. But you try that when her eyes are on you. After we finish with the patient, Maya jokes that we can never have a normal first date. I really don't want the date to end, and I can't hold myself back any longer. The way she was looking at me, to her words. I need her. I want her. I love her. I tell her that I have clothes back at the apartment and need a hot shower, I see that it takes a few seconds to understand what I'm trying to suggest but eventually she does, and we off.

I can tell she has nervous energy, like she doesn't want to do anything in fear of messing this up. I smile remembering how it was our first time together. Nervous touches, glances. But this isn't our first time, far from it. But it feels like the first time. But I know Maya body from head to toe, I know what makes her moan, what makes her scream, what makes her louder and wetter. But right we are doing a dance around each other. I tell her to go get some wine while I get the shower ready, I put some candles hoping to make this a little more romantic. I start undressing and starting the shower and I wait for her. I get in getting my hair wet, trying to listen to Maya coming in the bathroom. Excited about what's going to happen. How we are going to reconnect, let our mouths and hands do the talking. I don't have to wait long for Maya, I don't hear her come in, but I feel her body against mine. She turns me around slowly; we smile each other, and she kisses me. I can't help but let out a low moan, feeling the body, I've missed and craved against me again. Our kisses becoming rushed, like we need each other now. I turn her around against the glass door, so she's up against it and I start kissing her neck, resisting the temptation to bite down and leave a hickey. One of my hands starts to descend down her body remembering how much I used to worship it. I start fingering her slowly taking my time with her, hearing her moans grow louder as she starts getting wetter, I hold her hand against the glass knowing she needs something to cling to as she gets closer to orgasm around my fingers. She starts moaning my name and grinding against my finger, I go faster knowing she is close. Then I hear it, the little gasp and her body stills before she moans my name breathlessly. I don't even have enough time for me to enjoy her little panting or go for a second round before she pushes me against the wall and start descending down my body. Kissing, licking, biting. Knowing exactly how to push me over the edge. I feel her warm mouth against my aching pussy. I moan her name, and she looks up at me while licking my clit, and I look down at her before throwing my head back. Her fingers and mouth knowing exactly what I need. Maya knows what makes me clench and beg for more, knows what makes me orgasm hard. I orgasm around her mouth, while she holds one of my legs on her shoulders. Making sure to pleasure me until I'm sated. But that will never happen, my wife is amazing, and I constantly crave her. I pull her back up and I kiss her, tasting myself on her lips and tongue and can't help but moan. She pulls back to look at me and I look back. Thats when I see how dark her eyes, wanting more of me, of us. But also wants to take her time and pleasure me. I hope she can see how much I want her too; how much I love her. How much I need her. How this means so much to me. I keep staring at her, not wanting to break away, but needing so much more. 

It isn't until later when we are in bed, me on Maya side and her where I used to lay where I start thinking. I don't for a second regret what we did today. I needed her. I wanted her. But I can't be in the room without thinking of all the times I was here waiting for her. Day and night waiting for her. I can't help but start crying and Maya notices. She starts questioning if today was too much and I shake my head because today is what we both needed, The closeness.  I get up from the bed searching frantically for clothes. 

"I can't move back here"

"I didn't ask" I can hear she is confused when not too long ago I was whispering how much I love her.

"But I know you want me to. And I wish I could because today was magical, and I want to keep that magic alive but being back in here, it's too painful. Because for months I was in this bed alone, you shut me out, you were here but you were not. I wasn't the person you ran to Maya, I was the person you ran away from. I thought I was ready to back here but I'm not. I can't. I can't" I turn to face her and there she is. My ocean eyes, understanding what I'm trying to say, understanding what I need in that moment. 

"I'm sorry for everything I have put you through. It wasn't fair. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you tried to help me." I can't help but start crying, remembering all the bad fighting, the yelling then angry eyes. She stands up and steps in between my legs. 

"I know the version of us, that is happy and light and lovely. Died in the hospital that day." She softly grabs my face but doesn't make me look at her. I think back to the night of the hospital, hearing her yell and cry. I lean my head against her chest seeking comfort from the only person who I know would be able to calm me down. 

"But I'm willing to put in the work to rebuild us. To make us stronger and better. Because I knew from the first time I saw you in that bar, you were the person I wanted to call." I raise my head to look at her and I can see she's holding back tears. I have no words to say, because I can see by her eyes, that is telling the truth. That she loves me more than she can most likely express. She pulls me in for a hug and I cling to her. Still crying but knowing her and I will get through all the ups and downs together.

I move back in with Maya when I find out she didn't step up to be captain. I love Maya ambition, it's what makes her, her. But her ambition is also what got us into this mess. I know that Maya was changing for the better, I see her doing the work. But a little part of me was always scared that she would go back to her old ways. I love her so much it scares me, because I will always go back to her. But I was happy to see that she was putting me first, putting us first. I told her as much when we got home that night. I've been home for a bit when she reminds me of the firefighter ball, which I forgot considering that I didn't know I was going to go at all. She came home that day and I saw her new haircut, the bangs. I didn't know my wife could be sexier. We start getting ready, Maya going for a black pant suit with a see-through long sleeve. While I'm in the closet, I see the dress that one of my friends made me wear to her wedding and I pop out of the closet and Maya looks shocked which makes me laugh. She keeps looking at the dress with disgust like it personally insulted her, which just makes me laugh harder ay how dramatic my wife is. She goes to the closet to see what she can pick for me, when she suggests wearing my wedding outfit. She turns me around and starts unzipping my dress which is dangerous. Since I have been home, she hasn't been able to keep her hands to herself. She kisses my shoulder as I turn my body towards her. Her eyes looking at me with lust. I want to moan when she looks at me like that, like she is imagining all the ways she can make me moan. You can't really blame me for what happens next.

"It was so hard being around you and not being able to put my hands on you." I move her hair out of her face while moving closer to her, her hands teasing my back sending shivers down my spine. She moves us against the door and kisses me. She bites my lower lip and tease me with her tongue, its completely her fault for what happens next. It's her fault for dragging me to the bed and fingers me to the point that my legs start shaking. It's her fault that I flip us, so I am on top and have to taste my favorite meal. That I can't stop eating her out until she feels overstimulated a little and tells me to stop but then kisses me to taste herself. It's completely her fault. We all on our backs. feeling calm for now. But knowing us, it's not going to be long before we are back to moaning each other name. 

We start talking about what our future holds for us, and kids. 

"My brother was everything to me, but I've always wanted three." I smile while Maya starts playing with my fingers. Smiling down at me, her eyes shining with love, happiness, peace. 

"Then we will be outnumbered. So that's a no." I can tell she is joking a little bit. I laugh shaking my head at her. 

"Okay, um I have another confession to make." She smiles at me, her expression never changing. 

"Uh oh, should be sitting up for this." I can tell she is a tiny nervous but her eyes my ocean blue eyes never change their color. Telling me she isn't scared to hear what I want to say, just curious.

"Okay, since you've been doing a lot of work on prioritizing our relationship, I wanted to do a little bit of work too and I started researching IVF doctors and I've narrowed it down to two. Is that okay?" I look over at Maya and see her smiling, the smile that she has when thinking of our family. It makes my heart skip a bit. 

"Do it." I look at her with a little bit of shock but not really, she always did say she wanted a little me. 

"Yeah?" I ask to be sure.

"Yes, let's do it" Her voice sounding so sure and happy. Thinking about future. 

"I can book an appointment?" I start getting excited, ready to move away from the past and look forward to our future. 

"Yes, yes let's start our life." I get so excited that I sit up, letting out little squeals. Maya laughs at my excitement. But I can tell by our bright her eyes are, that she is also excited. I can't help but grabbing her face and kissing her.

"We are never getting to this ball, are we?" She sounds happy at the prospect of just staying home and staying in our sex and love bubble. 

"No, no we have to go. Ben is getting an award; we have to start. Come on, time to get ready." I sit up clapping my hands trying to give us the motivation to leave this bed.

"And there's food" She smirks at me, in the way that makes me wet and makes me want to jump her bones.

"There's food?" I look back at her excited about the food. 

"Maybe just one more kiss though" She sits up.

"No." I smile trying to act strict. 

"Just one more." She moves so she is in front of me grabbing the side of my face. 

"No." Again, it's all her fault, how do you expect me to resist her?

"Just one more, just one more" She starts pushing me down on the bed getting back on top of me

"One more time I promise" We both start laughing, knowing there is going to be more than one time. Again, entirely her fault. She makes me moan and scream when her mouth descends my body, she makes me crave her more and more. She makes me lose all control of myself. And obviously I cannot reciprocate. She needs to know how much I love her, how I love when she is moaning my name in my ear. How I love when she clenches around me, her little gasp when she is about to cum, how her body stills, and I feel her body tremble against mine. How she loves when I leave hickeys around her body, marking her as mine. And obviously she has to taste me again, I am not going to complain. So, one more turned into four more, and even we got up to get dressed, we had to control ourselves to stop from forgetting this ball and staying home and getting reacquainted with each other body.

We eventually make it to the banquette hall and run into Ben and Miranda leaving to the Fox awards. Maya tries to make us leave again but I shake my head. Telling her I want food, and she jokes saying she can't believe I'm still hungry after eating her. I shake my head laughing at her as we enter the main area where Kitty Dixon tells us that there is no food. I get disappointed knowing we really could've stayed home now. I look over at Maya and I check her out smirking and she looks at me checking me out. Knowing it would be so easy to sneak back out and have my way with her again. I can feel her lust filled eyes looking at me and I take a deep breath to control myself. We follow the crowd to the dance floor and have a good time dancing around with each other and sharing laughs with each other. I love seeing Maya so carefree not caring what other people think. But 19 always bring trouble and we start feeling the floor shake and Andy yelling at us to get off the floor. Maya quickly pulls us away from the danger. She checks me over and I nod at her before we start getting into action and listen to Andy as she starts yelling orders at us. Jack calls me over to help with a pregnant patient and I see Maya already there helping out. We get her in the kitchen and her heart stops so I get on top of the table to start chest compressions when Maya and Ben run into the kitchen to help us out. Maya takes over for the chest compressions while I check on the baby, Ben tells me we've been doing CPR for five minutes and I start putting my hair up and gown up knowing I will have to perform a C-section right here. I nod at Maya to stop the compressions while I start opening her up. Once she is open. Maya starts the compressions again. I deliver the baby and make sure he is okay, everyone looking to make sure he is okay. We all let out a sigh when he starts crying, I turn to look at Maya and she is already looking at me with adoration, in awe. I look away to try to stop looking at my wife. I cover the patient trying to get the bleeding under control and we start bringing her to the aid car. Once she is there and the baby is safe, Maya and I smile at each other, not knowing we just helped save our future son.

I've never fallen from quite this high
Fallin' into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

Who know that one night would change our lives forever. Sadly, the mama didn't make it. It pains me that there is going to be a little boy who won't have a family or know who his mom is. I was visiting the little boy when Maya came in and reassures me that I did the best I could so that the mama could live. But during that conversation I bring up the fact that I still can't live in the apartment because of all the bad memories, I can tell that Maya get scared but I'm quick to say that I would like us to buy and house. That will be ours, that we can raise our future children in. She smiles and gets excited about buying our own house and agrees. God, it takes all my willpower to not kiss her like she gives me oxygen. She laughs and just gives me a quick kiss but I'm quick to drag her out and to my office so I can properly kiss her with none of my coworkers looking at us. 

I find out that the mama wanted to name him Liam and I can't help but looking at him and seeing the same eyes that made me fell in love with my eyes. He looks a little like Maya, blond hair, beautiful eyes, tiny button nose. I take a deep breath, wanting a little version of her once she has her mini me. I bring her to meet the man who was going to adopt Liam, but he backs out. It breaks my heart. Liam is going to go in foster care. Until Maya suggests that we adopt him, I look at her. Confused, but her eyes determined. I want to make sure she is sure about this, but her voice never wavers, full of conviction, telling me that we should be his moms. Her blue eyes, her ocean eyes, letting me know she is serious about this, that she wants us. She even convinces me as to why we should do it. Even tells me that getting pregnant is still on the plan. I look at her to make sure, even if I know she is fully serious. Her eyes never leaving mine. God, this woman makes me fall in love with her more and more. It's not possible to be this much in love. I take a deep breath to not cry, and I turn to Liam and introduce ourselves to him. I can feel Maya eyes never leaving me. I can feel her rest her chin on my shoulder, but her gaze never looking away. Always like she is taking pictures of me, like so she doesn't forget what I look like. So full of love. 

It has been a little bit, we took Liam home and had some drama at the station, which I'm glad wasn't about me and Maya. We had a little disagreement on how to raise Liam, but we have come to an understanding and even explained our fears to each other. We are still going through with the IVF treatment and I found out that none of my eggs are viable. I go to the one place that always makes me feel better. Maya. I know she is at the station and that she is on call, and I change into some of her sweats and her shirt before going to feed Liam. We wait for her in her bunk as I keep Liam entertained, not wanting to think about how Maya won't get her mini me. And the thought of that breaks my heart. Luckily, I don't have to wait long for Maya when I see her come through the door. She sees the blood on my shirt from when I was helping the brother and sister at the car accident. She starts getting frantic thinking Liam or I was hurt. I reassure her that we are both okay. I take a deep breath, getting ready to break Maya heart. Hoping she won't be disappointed in me. Her eyes scared, concerned. I tell her I can't get pregnant, that the egg I have are not viable. Her eyes, they are darker today but not much, they look so sad but sorry for me. Heartbroken. And that breaks my heart, that I can't be the person to carry out her dream of a little me.

"But hey we have Liam." She tries to be positive even though we are both hurting.

"We do, but we don't even know if we are able to keep him." I take a shuttering breath to stop myself to stop of crying more than I already have. 

"I'm so sorry, I am putting you through all this. And now Liam won't be able to be a brother, and you didn't even want to have kids in the first place." I start getting frantic apologizing. She covers my hands with hers.

"Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop. I didn't want to have a family until you showed me. What a family was. Okay," She is trying not to cry too, her blue eyes turning into the dark abyss. Sadness. But still reassuring me.  We just keeping looking at each other, letting our eyes do the talking. Saying I'm sorry. saying I love you. 

"What about my eggs? Can we use my eggs? Can you get pregnant with my eggs? Proviamoci amore mio" I let out a watery laugh as she grabs my face. Loving that she is speaking more Italian with me.

"Proviamoci" I smile, and she leans in and kiss me softly, full of love. Feeling loved and safe in her arms. 

After comforting me some more before we have to leave and head home to put Liam to bed. She walks me to the car and buckles Liam in and kisses me again letting me know everything will be okay, and I believe her. That our dreams will come true. 

The wildfires, I've been sacred, waiting. Waiting for the call that Maya will get called in. It comes sooner than I want. After the IVF treatment and semination and taking a pregnancy test to see if I am pregnant. She gets the call, I had already volunteer to be a doctor to help the smoke inhalation victims and burn victims. The smell and screams, I will never forget. Hoping and praying that I will not see Maya being one of those patients. I see her walk in the tent, in her wildfire gear. Her blue eyes, scared. Checking me over to make sure I am okay. I smile at her letting her know I am okay. We both want to kiss each other and say more words. We part with the words See you at home. I spend the day there helping victims and sending prayers to them and their families and keeping thinking of my wife. Who is out there surrounded by fire, one they can't get control of. I sadly have to leave and head back to the hospital and help out with birthing mamas when I can't control myself and do blood work on myself to check if I am pregnant. And finally, have almost two years of trying and heartbreak and a separation, our dreams are coming true. I am pregnant. I am pregnant with Maya baby; I can't help but laugh that Maya got me pregnant. I run into Ben at the hospital when he tells me Theo is here. When he gets a called about a pregnant mama and her husband stuck in the fire. I tell Ben I am coming and he tries to argue with me. Until I show up at the station just before he is going to leave and tell him I am coming pregnant or not. he finally relents and helps me put on a wildfire suit before we head out. The entire time I am there, I can't help but being scared. Scared that this is only a little piece of what Maya is dealing with. I can feel the heat and I'm not even truly close like Maya is. And that thought scares me, but I can't be a nervous and scared wife. I have to be a doctor. I help the Mama give birth in the middle of wildfire and we take the family to the hospital. Once we enter the hospital I see her. My wife, looking scared. Covered in dust and ash, she sees me in brush gear and starts getting nervous, her eyes wide and deep blue. Abyss blue. She grabs me looking me all over checking for injuries. I look around wanting a private moment not being able to keep out happy news from her anymore. 

"I was scared for you and for me too because I didn't want to end up being a single mom of two tiny babies." I smile at her seeing her understand what I'm trying to say, and she smiles at me widely.

"Two? Oh my god. You're pregnant." Her blue eyes that were so scared before now looking so happy and full of love. My ocean eyes. The eyes that I first fell in love with at the bar. The eyes that always put me first, the eyes that told me she loved, the eyes that accepted my proposal, the eyes that said I Do with me at the altar. She grabs my face with tears in her eyes and kisses me. Kisses me without a care in the world. Just me and her against the world. She kisses me with so much love and passion, it sends shivers down my back. But we break away, looking at each other with tears falling down and laughing at each other. Our dreams coming true. I thank god everyday that she came into the hospital. That I found her at the bar later that night. That she accepted that second drink. That we always fought our way back to each other. Mi amore mio. My wife. My ocean eyes. 

No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you gimme those ocean eyes
I'm scared
I've never fallen from quite this high
Fallin' into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes