I Have a Question About Human Behavior

"Shepard, I have a question about human behavior."

Shepard froze, EDI's voice following her onto the bridge. If she was lucky, this would be a relatively easy question Shepard could answer with 'yes' or 'no', and she would be back on track to meet Liara as planned.

But Shepard was never that lucky.

"Go ahead, EDI. Shoot."

EDI abruptly stopped to contemplate, and in the nanosecond it took to consider, a myriad of expressions crossed her face before landing on confusion.

"I do not currently possess a firearm, Shepard."

Shepard could feel her eye twitching and had to work hard not to burst out in laughter.

"No, it means...." In this moment, it occurred to Shepard that it would take longer to explain the idiom than was worth it. Pinching the bridge of her nose, the Commander waved her hand for EDI to continue. "Just, you know what, never mind. What's your question?"

"It would perhaps be better if I showed you a scenario so you can better explain the corresponding behavior."

There was the eye twitch again.

"You can't just explain the scenario?"

"No."

The look Shepard aimed at EDI was harder than the steel of EDI's robotic body and probably twice as cold.

"It might alter your own behavior and affect the outcome of your answer."

That twitch was quickly becoming a migraine.

"OK, EDI, lead the way."

"Thank you, Shepard."

In the elevator, EDI turns to Shepard and begins to look nervous.

"What is it, EDI?"

"I overheard something that Miranda Lawson said to you recently, and I thought perhaps I should conduct an experiment."

"Oookaaayyyy?" They had reached the med bay, and Shepard was both curious and concerned. "Refresh my memory. What did Miranda say?"

"'We're not here to fuck spiders, Commander.'"

Shepard's head whipped around so fast she was amazed she didn't break her own neck.

"Excuse me?"

"I didn't understand, either, Commander."

Shepard couldn't help it: laughter bubbled past her lips, and soon she was doubled over, wheezing and clutching her knees. Wiping a tear from her eye, Shepard stood straight again, turning her attention back to EDI.

"Allow me to posit a question: you are aware that it is, in fact, impossible to fuck spiders?"

"Yes, Shepard. I am aware of that now."

Shepard immediately sobered. 

"Now!?"

"I did disclose I was conducting an experiment, Shepard."

Shepard had a full-blown migraine now.

"EDI," the steady pressure of rubbing her fingers across her forehead was the only thing keeping Shepard grounded in this moment. "Please tell me you didn't gather up crew members and ask them to fuck a spider?"

"That was the initial intention of my experiment, yes."

The amount of paperwork Shepard was going to have to do because her ship--the unshackled AI with a robot body--sexually harassed the crew was going to be astronomical.

"But I learned something in the process. May I show you?"

"This oughtta be interesting...."

EDI simply nodded before turning and opening the door to the AI core. Shepard was not prepared for what greeted her, and she began laughing even harder than before.

Crammed inside the tiny room were Ashley, Joker, James, Traynor, and Liara, with Glyph hovering over the scene.

Traynor had clambered onto a ledge and was looking toward Liara, terrified, before her attention snapped to the doorway, and she let out a pleading "Commander!"

Ashley cowered behind James, peering over his shoulder, who had one arm thrust behind himself pushing Ashley away, and the other reached for a pistol that wasn't there. A garbled, cacophonous mix of "Lola!" and "Shepard!" reached the Commander's ears.

Joker was backed into a corner, both hands up in surrender, pleading to the others not to sacrifice the crippled guy, like that time Shepard used him as bait.

Liara seemed to be the only normal person of the bunch, leaning a shoulder casually against a mainframe with her arms crossed, one ankle behind the other.

"Would anyone care to explain what's going on here?" It was becoming increasingly more difficult to be irritated by EDI's interruption. The longer she stared at the scene before her, the funnier it became.

"Shepard!" Liara jumped and turned around, revealing a tiny spider levitating in a biotic field in front of her.

"I attempted an experiment," EDI began, and Shepard snorted.

"Please explain your experiment, EDI."

"I wanted to know if humans were capable of coitus with arachnids," EDI explained.

"Which you learned was impossible," Shepard supplied. "So how did we end up here?"

"Upon procuring an arachnid and a human for study, then introducing them into the same environment, I noticed an unexpected result that would make it impossible for humans to 'fuck' spiders."

Shepard snorted again and Liara thinned her lips to hide her smile.

"Their relative size compared to spiders and the incompatible genitalia that would be involved?"

"No, Shepard, but that I can see how you would reach that conclusion, even if it is incorrect."

This entire experience was becoming more absurd by the second. Shepard shared a look with Liara, who was still trying to contain her smile, before her girlfriend gave a brief nod, encouraging her to ask the obvious question.

"And what is the correct conclusion, EDI?"

"Humans are too afraid of arachnids to mate with them."

The concept was certainly entertaining, incorrect as it was.

Shepard turned her attention to Liara, who had finally cracked, and her smile was radiant.

"How on earth did EDI rope you into this nonsense?"

"She said the word 'experiment' and, well, I am a scientist, Shepard."

Shepard smiled and shook her head fondly, offering her arm to Liara as they turned to leave. "Are you ready to hit the grand reopening of Ryuusei's, then?"

Liara smiled back, soft and warm, tucking her hand into the crook of Shepard's elbow before her expression turned devious. "Well, we're not here to fuck spiders, Commander."

Shepard threw her head back, laughing, and Liara joined in.

"I'll try not to fall through any fish tanks this time."

"Uh, that's adorable and everything, but who's gonna take care of the spider??"

"Blue? Lola!? Joker...?"

"What do you want me to do? Break my arm at it??"

Everything felt light and free, and in that moment, everything was perfect.