Me, Daddy, P̶a̶p̶a̶ Ben
Pink. Yellow. Green. Finger, thumb, pinky. Finger painting, doorbell, Daddy closing the door.
Remy dips his fingers in the colors, swirls them together. Pink mixes with yellow—makes orange. Green stays green. That’s okay. Green is good. Green is grass. Green is outside. Green is playtime.
He paints a flower. Big circle in the middle. Petals. A happy little face. He giggles.
Then a stickman. One, two, three. M, D, P. Me, Daddy, Papa.
Wait.
Papa?
No… No, no, no. Papa is gone. Papa isn’t here. Papa doesn’t hold him anymore. Papa doesn’t kiss Daddy anymore. Papa doesn’t read stories or sing silly songs.
But… Remy hears whispers sometimes. And Daddy only whispers when Nick is here. Nick is… was… Papa.
But now Nick is just Nick.
Red paint. Red on thumb. Red on stickman P. X. No Papa. Just M and D. Me and Daddy.
But…
But maybe… maybe Papa can come back?
No. No?
Remy wants Papa. He does.
But Mr. Ben says no.
Mr. Ben says Papa is bad.
Mr. Ben took Remy to an office. Asked about his bruise. Said Papa hurt him. But? But that's true. Papa did do that.
Remy didn’t tell Daddy. Daddy gets sad when he talks about Mr. Ben. Daddy doesn’t like Mr. Ben.
So Remy keeps it secret. Secrets are okay sometimes.
Because Mr. Ben is nice. Mr. Ben doesn’t baby him. Mr. Ben says he’s a big boy. Daddy always says “sweetheart” and “baby” and tucks him in tight. Ben says big boys don’t need that.
Ben better than Papa? Daddy?
No. No, not Papa. Nick.
Nick.
Remy grabs black paint.
A new stickman. M, D, B. Me, Daddy, Ben.
But… no.
It doesn’t look right.
He frowns.
Papa is better than Ben.
Papa makes Daddy smile. Ben makes Daddy frown. Papa is warm. Ben is cold.
Papa is gone. Ben is here.
But Remy doesn’t want it like that.
His painting looks messy now. Bad.
He frowns harder.
Why?
Why does it feel wrong?