Pa- Nick
Papa's Hand Hurts.
Remy doesn’t know much. But he knows Papa is angry.
Papa doesn’t see him as his son. That’s what it feels like. Because Papa’s hand was rough and sharp, and now his face hurts. And Daddy... Daddy looked scared when Papa yelled.
Papa yelled at Daddy.
Ben says Daddy babies him too much, and maybe that’s true. Maybe Daddy treats him too much like a little kid. But Remy likes when Daddy babies him. Because right now, his face hurts, and his chest feels weird and heavy, and he wants Daddy to hold him and rock him and tell him everything is okay.
Ben is nicer than Papa.
Papa was nice. Papa gave him chocolate milk and carried him when he was sleepy and read stories with all the voices. But Papa isn’t nice anymore.
Papa hurt him.
Papa yelled.
No. Papa isn’t Papa anymore.
Papa is Nick.
Nick’s hand was rough. Not gentle. Not soft like before. Not careful like when he wiped Remy’s tears or helped him with his buttons when his fingers got stuck.
Nick is bad.
Bad guys hurt people.
Bad guys yell.
Bad guys make people cry.
Nick is a bad guy.
Nick isn't nice.
Nick makes his tummy feel weird, all twisty and tight, like when he eats too much candy but not in a good way. His face hurts. His hand hurts. His chest hurts. He doesn't understand why.
Nick isn't Papa.
Papa is gone.
Papa left.
Nick is mean. And cruel. And bad, like the poisonous apple, like the mean king, like the alligator that snaps and takes things away. Bad, like the monsters in the stories Nick used to read to him, except this isn't a story.
This is real.
His cheek still stings, even though Daddy kissed it better. Even though Daddy held him close and wiped his tears. Even though Daddy rocked him back and forth, whispering soft words. But the ouchie is still there, and so is the bad feeling, all mixed up inside him, making his head fuzzy and his chest heavy.
Bad Nick.
And maybe—maybe Remy was bad too.
Maybe that’s why.
Maybe that's why Nick is bad now. Maybe it's Remy’s fault. Maybe he should have listened to Mustache Man more. Maybe Mustache Man was right—maybe Daddy was too soft on him. Maybe if he listened better, if he was a good boy, then Papa—no, not Papa, Nick—wouldn’t have been bad.
Maybe if he was a good boy, Daddy wouldn’t leave too.
Daddy wouldn’t be mean and leave like—
Like Pa—
Like Nick.
Remy is bad. That’s what Ben says. That’s what the sting on his cheek means. That’s what the red means.
Ben is right.
Ben says Papa doesn’t love him, and that must be true, too, right? Ben says Papa was never really his Papa. That it was just a game, that Daddy made him pretend. That Nick was just playing house. And Ben wouldn’t lie to him, would he?
Remy sniffs, rubbing at his cheek, but that just makes it sting more. His whole face is hot, but his hands are cold, and he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know why his tummy feels funny either, all twisted up and sick.
Maybe it’s because he was bad.
Ben says he should listen to him now. That Daddy doesn’t know what’s best for him. That Daddy doesn’t know how to take care of a kid right. That’s why people go, because Daddy wasn’t good. Because Daddy didn’t listen. And if Daddy is bad, then maybe Remy is bad too.
Maybe that’s why Nick doesn’t want him anymore.
Because Papa—no, Nick—was supposed to save him. But he isn’t here. Ben is.
Nick's hand hurt. It was cruel. Remy doesn't like Nick. Remy doesn't like pain. Remy doesn't like being a bad boy.
Remy will be good for Ben. Ben won't hurt. Ben won't leave. Ben won't be like Nick.
Daddy and Ben.
Not daddy and Nick.
No.
No Nick.
Just daddy.
Daddy and Ben.
And no bad boy anymore.