Chapter 10
Charlie measures his life in threes: Before Ben, During Ben, and After Ben. Each phase feels like a separate chapter, distinct in tone and weight, shaping him into the person he is today.
Before Ben, life was tough but survivable. Charlie was outed in high school, which came with a storm of bullying, cruel whispers, and side-eyes in the hallway. But even then, there were bright spots—friends who stood by him, moments where he could laugh and feel normal, however fleeting. He wasn’t the happiest teenager, far from it, but he endured. He fought through the bad days, though they came often. There were struggles, of course. He battled with eating, wrestled with the mirror, and never felt fully comfortable in his own skin. But he got through it in his own way. He survived.
And then came During Ben, the darkest chapter. This was the period that drained him, where Charlie became a shell of who he once was. Ben entered his life, full of charisma and promises. At first, Ben made him feel wanted—like maybe, just maybe, someone saw him and loved him for who he was. But that facade didn’t last.
During Ben, Charlie learned to put himself second. Always second. When it came to money, the house, even their sex life, it was always Ben before Charlie. Ben took, and Charlie gave. And when Charlie gave, it was never enough. He tried so hard to be what Ben wanted, to be good enough, to hold the relationship together. But it didn’t matter, because Ben chipped away at him bit by bit, word by word, until Charlie believed the lies. Lies like, “You’ll never find anyone better,” or “You’re lucky I’m with you.”
Even when Charlie discovered Ben’s infidelity, he tried to fight for their marriage. He told himself it was worth saving because who else would want him? Who else could possibly love him? That was the power Ben held—the ability to make Charlie doubt his own worth. But after countless nights of tears, arguments, and self-loathing, Charlie realized something: it wasn’t worth fighting for. It never had been.
And so, After Ben began.
This chapter is quieter, simpler, and still a work in progress. But it’s Charlie’s favorite. Because this is the chapter where he has Remy. Where his world revolves around a small, bright, endlessly curious little boy who calls him “Daddy.”
After Ben, life isn’t perfect. The house isn’t a dream house, but it’s good enough. His job doesn’t make him rich, but it pays the bills and gives him the flexibility to be present for his son. Most importantly, he’s learning to love and care for someone without losing himself in the process.
Remy is his light, his purpose, his reason to wake up every morning. And though Charlie still carries scars from Before and During Ben, he’s finally building something good. He’s finding joy in small moments—the sound of Remy’s laughter, the warmth of their bedtime routines, even the chaos of morning tantrums.
It’s not perfect. Charlie still has bad days, insecurities, and fears about the future. But he’s trying. And for the first time in a long time, he feels like he’s in a chapter where love—real, genuine love—might be possible again. For Remy. For himself. Maybe even for someone new.
Charlie also measures his life in two parts within the After Ben: Before Nick and During Nick. He supposes one day, there could even be an After Nick, but the thought is too heavy and strange to consider, so he doesn’t. For now, it’s just Before Nick and During Nick.
Before Nick, life was steady but relentless. He had a purpose, sure, and that purpose was crystal clear: Remy. There was always something to do, something to learn, something to give. He had to figure out how to feed a baby, change diapers, handle tantrums, teach a kid how to walk, talk, and grow into a kind, compassionate human. And it was exhausting. Rewarding, but exhausting.
There wasn’t much room for anything else. Charlie poured every ounce of himself into being a father. His focus was his son. Always his son. Finding a good home, finding a good job, moving to the right neighborhood with a good school. There wasn’t time to think about himself, and even if there was, he didn’t feel like he deserved it.
But then Nick came along.
And now there’s During Nick, where everything still revolves around Remy—but there are small, unexpected moments that remind Charlie he’s allowed to feel things for himself too. He still has the same responsibilities, still has to be a good dad, still has to love and raise his son. But now, there are little sparks of something else.
Like when Nick texts him, and Charlie feels a flutter in his chest before he even opens the message. Or when he buys Nick coffee in the mornings, not because Nick asks, but because Charlie likes seeing him smile when he hands over the cup. That smile does something to him—it lights something inside of Charlie that had been dormant for so long.
Nick’s presence in his life feels different. It feels lighter, softer. During Nick, there’s laughter again. Not just the laughter of a dad with his kid, but laughter for himself, for the joy of talking to someone who makes him feel seen.
And the craziest thing? It doesn’t take away from Remy. It doesn’t make Charlie any less of a father. If anything, it makes him better, because he’s learning to let himself have something good too.
Life During Nick feels like a favorite chapter. It’s not perfect—Charlie still has doubts, insecurities, and fears—but it feels warm in a way he hasn’t felt in years.
He doesn’t know what happens next. He doesn’t know if Nick will stay in his life forever, or if this chapter will eventually close. But for now, During Nick feels like the best part of his story so far. Because for the first time in a long time, Charlie feels like he’s not just surviving. He’s living.
One of the most challenging things about raising a son, especially one who shares the DNA of an ex-husband as cruel and unkind as Ben, is confronting the harsh reality that no matter how much Charlie tries to instill kindness, patience, and gentleness in Remy, there are some things that might just be ingrained. It’s the age-old debate of nature versus nurture, and while scientists still don’t have a clear answer, Charlie isn’t sure if there ever will be one that eases his fears.
Charlie has always been careful, deliberate even, about how he raises Remy. He’s never been the parent to yell or lose his temper, no matter how tired or frustrated he might feel. He’s the dad who whispers instead of shouts, who encourages instead of demands, who makes sure that his son always feels safe and loved. He’s done everything in his power to teach Remy how to be a good, kind-hearted person.
But now, here he is—his little boy who pushed another kid off a scooter, who yelled to defend himself, who threw a tantrum over something that didn’t go his way. And Charlie doesn’t know how to process it.
This isn’t the Remy he knows. Remy is shy and gentle, not someone who lashes out or demands attention. But here’s the thing: sometimes, Remy acts and looks exactly like Ben.
It’s in the small things, like the way his eyes narrow when he’s frustrated, the way his jaw tightens when he feels like he’s not being heard. It’s in the rare moments when Remy’s voice takes on a sharpness that Charlie never taught him, a tone that cuts too deep for a four-year-old. And it terrifies Charlie, because those are glimpses of someone he thought he had left behind—the man who took and took and left Charlie questioning his own worth.
Charlie knows it’s not fair to think this way. Remy is not Ben. He’s just a little boy, a kid who is still learning how to navigate a world that doesn’t always make sense. But the parallels are hard to ignore, especially when Remy does something that feels so unlike him, like pushing a kid or throwing a tantrum.
And yet, Charlie can’t bring himself to blame Remy. Because as much as it scares him, he knows this isn’t entirely Remy’s fault. It’s Charlie’s responsibility to guide him, to teach him, to make sure he understands why what he did was wrong. But deep down, Charlie worries—what if nurture isn’t enough? What if those pieces of Ben, the ones that seem to surface when Charlie least expects it, are just part of who Remy is?
It’s these thoughts that make life During Nick feel even more complicated. Because while Nick is kind and understanding, while Nick sees the best in Remy, there’s a part of Charlie that’s scared to let Nick see this side of his son. He’s scared that Nick will look at Remy and see Ben too. And if that happens, what will Nick see in Charlie?
Charlie takes a deep breath and shakes his head. This isn’t about Ben, he tells himself. This is about Remy. This is about helping him grow, not punishing him for something he doesn’t understand yet.
But even as he repeats these words to himself, Charlie can’t help but feel the weight of the past pressing in, like a shadow he can’t quite outrun.
When Charlie went to pick up Remy after the incident, Nick had been waiting for him, his usual calm demeanor tinged with something hesitant, something almost apologetic. Nick briefly explained what happened at recess—the pushing, the hurt feelings, and how Remy had become upset about Nick’s presence. Nick admitted, almost too quietly, that it seemed Remy was confused and thought Nick was going to take Charlie away from him.
Charlie’s heart ached at those words. He tried to keep his expression neutral, to not let the wave of guilt and worry show. But inside, he felt like he was crumbling. The idea that Remy—a little boy who had already lost so much in the form of a two-parent household, who had endured so much change—might think he’d lose his dad too was devastating.
And what upset him even more, what cut deeper than he thought it would, was what happened next: Nick apologized. He apologized as though his presence was something to regret, something harmful. He didn’t linger after that. Just a polite, strained goodbye as Charlie walked Remy to the car.
That was two days ago.
And in those two days, Nick hasn’t responded to a single text. Not one. Charlie had tried—first asking how Nick was, then sending a brief message about how he appreciated Nick’s honesty and help. When those went unanswered, he tried a more casual approach, asking if they’d still be meeting at the coffee shop in the morning.
Nothing.
The silence is deafening.
Now, at pick-up and drop-off, there’s nothing but small, clipped exchanges. Hi’s. Hello’s. Quick nods. Gone are the easy smiles, the soft laughter, the subtle compliments about his sweaters that had made Charlie’s mornings feel brighter. And their coffee runs? Those, too, have stopped.
Charlie doesn’t want to overthink it, but he can’t help himself. The distance feels deliberate, like Nick is pulling away, and Charlie doesn’t understand why. Was it something he said? Something he did?
His mind goes in circles.
Is Nick second-guessing everything because of what Remy said? Did Charlie make a mistake in letting himself think that maybe, just maybe, there could be something between them? Or worse—did Nick realize what Charlie feared most: that he’s too much? A single dad with a complicated past and a kid who clearly has big feelings?
The mornings feel heavier now. Quieter. Remy has noticed, too. “No coffee today?” he’ll ask in the car, and Charlie will force a smile, mumbling something about being too busy. But the truth is, it’s not about the coffee.
It’s about Nick.
And now, as Charlie sits on the couch with his phone in hand, staring at the unanswered texts, he can’t help but feel like the After Nick chapter is looming closer than he thought. And the worst part? He has no idea how to stop it.
Charlie sighs, rubbing his hands down his face as he stares at his laptop screen, where his therapist of 11 years, Geoff, is waiting patiently. Geoff, the man who has been a constant presence through the messiest, darkest moments of Charlie’s life—through the eating disorder, the self-harm, the relapses, the wreckage of the relationship during and after Ben, and even the uncertainty of how to parent a growing child. Geoff has been there for all of it. And now, here he is again, like clockwork every three weeks, listening as Charlie pours out his frustrations and insecurities.
Remy is safely in his bedroom, busy playing with his dinosaurs, leaving Charlie free to sit on the couch and rant. “And I just don’t know what I did wrong!” Charlie exclaims, his voice a little too loud, a little too raw. He huffs out another sigh, leaning back against the cushions. “I mean, I know I can be a bit much, but—”
“Charlie,” Geoff cuts in gently, but firmly. “You’re projecting.”
Charlie freezes, blinking at the screen. “What?”
Geoff leans forward slightly, his calm, measured tone unwavering. “You’re projecting. This idea that you’ve done something wrong, that you’ve somehow scared Nick away, that you’re too much—it’s all a narrative you’ve built in your head because of your past experiences. Specifically, your relationship with Ben.”
Charlie swallows hard, his eyes darting away from the screen. “I mean… maybe. But it feels real, Geoff. Like, why else would he pull away like this? He was texting me back every day, he was flirting with me, and now it’s just… nothing. I must’ve done something.”
Geoff nods slightly, acknowledging the emotion in Charlie’s voice. “I hear you. And I’m not dismissing how you feel. But let’s look at the facts, Charlie. Has Nick explicitly told you that you’ve done something wrong?”
Charlie shakes his head. “No, but—”
“Has he said or done anything to suggest he’s upset with you or no longer wants to be friends?” Geoff presses.
“No, but he’s been distant!” Charlie blurts out. “He’s not texting back, he stopped showing up for coffee, and he barely talks to me during pick-up and drop-off. That has to mean something, doesn’t it?”
Geoff’s voice softens, but his words remain steady. “Or it could mean nothing at all. Charlie, you have a tendency to internalize other people’s actions as a reflection of your own worth. You’re assuming the worst because that’s what you’re used to, especially after Ben. But what if Nick pulling back has nothing to do with you?”
Charlie frowns, his brow furrowing. “Then what could it be?”
“Maybe he’s dealing with something personal,” Geoff suggests. “Or maybe he’s trying to navigate his own feelings and needs some space to figure things out. The point is, you don’t know for sure. And until you do know, assuming you’re at fault is only going to hurt you more.”
Charlie lets out a shaky breath, his fingers fidgeting with the hem of his sweater. “So… what do I do?”
Geoff smiles gently. “You wait. You give him space while reminding yourself that his actions aren’t a reflection of your worth. And when you feel ready, you ask him directly if something’s wrong. Communication, Charlie. It’s scary, but it’s the only way you’ll get the clarity you need.”
Charlie lets out a frustrated sigh, sinking deeper into the couch cushions. "l just don't know what to do. Like, why can't just go up to Nick and kiss him? Just-just ravish him? mean, obviously, if he doesn't want me, he'd pull away, right? And this is, like, the first time in. in so long, even before Ben, that l've actually felt something. Like, real emotional and sexual attraction toward someone." He pauses, his face heating up. "And can't believe I just admitted that to my therapist."
Geoff, sitting on the other side of the screen, lets out a soft laugh. "You can't believe you just told me that you want to have sex and break apart Nick?"
Charlie groans, throwing a hand over his eyes. "Don't say it like that!"
Geoff's smile widens slightly, but his tone remains calm and supportive. "Charlie, I've known you since you were a kid. This, what you're feeling, that's progress. This is progress. So much was taken from you with Ben-your confidence, your sense of self, your ability to trust your own feelings. And I know the distance you're feeling from Nick right now is uncomfortable, maybe even painful. But the fact that you're having these feelings at all? That's a good thing. It means you're moving on. It means you're allowing yourself to want something for you again."
Charlie peeks out from behind his hand, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Yeah, because every parent just wants to go and bang their kid's teacher. Super normal. Very healthy."
Geoff chuckles softly, shaking his head. "Charlie, you're human. The feelings you're having-whether they're romantic, emotional, or even physical- are normal. And they don't make you a bad parent. You're allowed to have desires and dreams outside of being Remy's dad. You're allowed to want more for yourself."
Charlie exhales slowly, dropping his hand. don't know... It just feels so complicated. Like, there's Remy to think about, and then there's Nick, and-ugh. What if I mess everything up? What if this ruins everything?"
Geoff's voice softens, his gaze steady. "Then you take it one step at a time. You don't have to figure everything out all at once, Charlie. Focus on what's real, what's in front of you. And trust yourself a little more. You've been through hell and back, and yet here you are-raising an incredible kid, showing up for him every day, and now, even considering opening yourself up to love again. That's not something to take lightly. It's something to be proud of."
Charlie’s voice trembles slightly as he asks, “Do you really think I’m ready for this? For whatever this is with Nick?”
Geoff nods, offering a warm and reassuring smile. “I think you’re ready, Charlie. More ready than you actually think you are. And if that means… you know, kissing Nick or deciding to take things further with him, you shouldn’t be ashamed of that. If that’s something you want emotionally and physically, I think you’re extremely ready for that.”
Charlie lets out a deep sigh, his gaze drifting to the window as he absently fiddles with his shirt. “Okay, but… it’s only been four years since I’ve been divorced. What if that’s too soon? Is that, you know, too quick?”
Geoff leans forward slightly, his tone steady and compassionate. “Charlie, although on paper it’s been four years, I think you and Ben were divorced long before the paperwork was signed. I remember you telling me, even when you were still married to him, that you didn’t feel anything for him anymore. You were already emotionally checked out by then. And you’ve told me countless times about the things Ben did to you, or the things you felt you had to do to make him feel something, just to feel pleasure in your relationship. That wasn’t something you wanted to do, Charlie. That wasn’t real connection. It was survival, not love.”
Charlie’s chest tightens at the mention of those old wounds, but he listens quietly, letting Geoff’s words sink in.
“So having these feelings now,” Geoff continues, “wanting to kiss someone, to form an emotional and physical connection, to have an actual relationship with someone like Nick—that’s progress. You’re ready for this. You’ve done the work. You’ve healed. You deserve this kind of connection now, and it’s okay to want it.”
Charlie takes a long, deep breath. “I just… I’ve been so focused on Remy, on just being the best parent I can be, that I never really thought about me. And now… now that I am, I just feel so nervous, like I’m rushing into something. Like I might mess it up.”
Geoff’s smile widens, his voice gentle but firm. “Charlie, you’re not rushing. You’re living. You’ve been through enough already. You’ve been patient, you’ve been strong. It’s time to give yourself the space to feel these things. And if you want them with Nick, you can’t let fear hold you back. If you’re ready to take that step, don’t let doubt stop you.”
Charlie fidgets, running a hand through his hair. “Okay, uh, thank you. But… how do I do that, then?”
Geoff raises an eyebrow, leaning back slightly. “How do you do what? Ravish Nick?”
“Geoff!” Charlie squeaks, his cheeks flushing. “No! I mean… maybe?” He groans, covering his face with his hands. “I mean, how do I even approach him? He’s been distant with me. It’s not like I can just walk up to him and kiss him out of nowhere. That’s… that’s assault. I can’t do that! Do I just text him? But he hasn’t been answering my texts. So what am I supposed to do?”
Geoff chuckles lightly, shaking his head. “Well, lucky for you, you see him almost every day. Twice, in fact. You drop Remy off in the morning, and you pick him up in the afternoon. Those are two perfect opportunities to talk to him.”
Charlie shifts uncomfortably in his seat. “Yeah, but… then what? What do I even say? ‘Hi, Nick, you look good today. By the way, want to go on a date?’ What if he says no? What if he laughs? What if it’s awkward?”
Geoff’s expression softens. “Charlie, if you’d like it to be a date, you can ask him out for one. If he’s interested, it can happen. But you won’t know unless you ask. And as for what to say, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Just keep it simple. Something like, ‘Hey, I’d really like to spend more time with you. Want to grab dinner sometime?’”
Charlie groans, leaning back against the couch. “I’m not good with dates. I’ve never been good with dates.”
“Charlie,” Geoff says, smiling, “no one is good with first dates. Everyone gets nervous. But going on a date, or even just getting dinner, will give you both a chance to communicate and connect outside of school and without Remy around. It’ll allow things to build, whether you want it to be emotional, romantic, or something more casual.”
“But that means I have to make the first move,” Charlie mumbles, crossing his arms. “And that’s terrifying.”
“Yes, it’s scary,” Geoff agrees, “but you’ve been working on reclaiming your control over your life. After all those years of not having a say in your own happiness, this is your moment. You like Nick, don’t you? Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Listen to what Nick says, and follow through based on how he responds. You’re stronger than you think.”
Charlie exhales, his brow furrowing. “So I’m just supposed to… ask him out? And then… just see what happens?”
Geoff nods. “That’s how most relationships start, Charlie. Whether it’s a partnership or even just a casual thing, they all begin with someone making the first move.”
“Ugh, but I don’t want it to be a casual thing. I don’t want it to be just a one-night stand,” Charlie blurts out, then quickly bites his lip, embarrassed.
“Well, there’s your answer right there,” Geoff says with a knowing smile.
Charlie throws his hands up. “You’re too good at this.”
Geoff chuckles. “Well, I’ve been doing this for many, many years. I’d hope I’m good at it by now.”
Charlie laughs weakly, shaking his head. “Okay, okay. I’ll… think about it. Maybe.”
“Take your time,” Geoff says warmly. “But trust yourself, Charlie. You deserve happiness. And it seems like Nick might just be a part of that happiness.”
Charlie smiles softly, a flicker of hope warming his chest. “Thanks, Geoff. Really.”
“Anytime,” Geoff replies, his voice filled with reassurance.
As Charlie shifts uncomfortably on the couch, trying to digest everything Geoff has just said, he hears soft footsteps padding across the floor. He glances up to see Remy standing in the doorway, clad in his pajama bottoms, clutching his favorite dinosaur plushie in one hand and his baby blanket in the other.
“Daddy,” Remy whispers, his voice small and sleepy. “Are you gonna tell me my bedtime story soon?”
Charlie’s heart softens immediately, and he offers a gentle smile. “Yeah, bud, just give me one second. Let me finish this real quick, okay?”
Geoff, seeing the exchange through the video call, chuckles lightly. “It’s okay, Charlie. Go ahead. We can end the session a little early tonight.”
Charlie blinks in surprise. “Are you sure? We’ve, uh, never really ended early before.”
Geoff nods, his tone encouraging. “Charlie, you’ve made a lot of progress. Ending early is a sign of growth. Take it as a win, okay?”
Charlie hesitates, then nods. “Okay. Thank you, Geoff. For everything.”
“Anytime,” Geoff replies warmly before ending the call.
Charlie shuts his laptop, turning his full attention to Remy, who’s now standing in the middle of the room, rubbing his eyes with his blanket.
“All right, bud,” Charlie says, standing and scooping Remy into his arms. “Let’s go read that story. What are we reading tonight? Dinosaurs or pirates?”
“Dinos!” Remy exclaims, his tiredness momentarily forgotten. “Always dinos!”
Charlie chuckles as he carries Remy to his room, his heart feeling a little lighter after the session with Geoff. Moments like this—snuggling with his son and reading bedtime stories—remind him of what really matters, even as he navigates his complicated feelings for Nick.
Once they’re settled in Remy’s bed, with his favorite dinosaur blanket tucked snugly around him, Charlie grabs a book from the shelf. He flips it open, ready to start reading, when Remy’s small voice cuts through the quiet.
“Daddy,” Remy whispers, his fingers fidgeting with the edge of the blanket.
Charlie looks down at him, eyebrows raised. “Yeah, bud?”
“Did I... did I do something to upset you and Mr. Nick?”
Charlie blinks, caught off guard. “Huh? What do you mean?”
Remy looks down at his blanket, his voice small. “I don’t know. I told Mr. Nick I thought he was gonna take you away from me, and now... now we don’t go and get coffee anymore. I don’t get my donuts, and... you seem sad again. Did I do something wrong?”
Charlie’s heart sinks, and he immediately sets the book down, leaning closer to his son. “Oh no, Remy, no. You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise, okay? Nick’s probably just... busy right now.”
Remy furrows his brow, still looking down. “I don’t think he’s busy. He’s always at school. He’s not busy when I see him at school.”
Charlie exhales softly, running a hand through his hair. “Well, maybe he’s busy with other things, bud. Adults have stuff going on sometimes, you know?”
Remy looks up at him with big, worried eyes. “But I don’t want him to take you away. If you don’t have time for me anymore, I’ll be all alone. I don’t have a mommy, and if I don’t have you, I have no one.”
Charlie’s chest tightens, and he reaches out to gently take Remy’s hand. “Hey, no one’s ever going to take me away from you, okay? You’re my number one. Always. Nick’s just a friend, and even if I spend time with him, that doesn’t change how much I love you or how much time we have together. No one could ever replace you, bud.”
Remy’s lip wobbles. “Promise?”
Charlie squeezes his hand. “Promise. Cross my heart.”
Remy seems to relax a little, though he still looks uncertain. “Okay... but you seemed happy with Nick. And I liked that. You smiled more.”
Charlie feels a pang of guilt and sadness all at once. “I like spending time with him, bud. He’s a nice guy, and he makes me smile, sure. But you make me smile too. You’re my favorite person in the world, Remy.”
Remy sniffles. “Okay. But... if Nick makes you happy, I guess you can hang out with him again. Just don’t forget about me, okay?”
Charlie leans down and presses a kiss to Remy’s forehead, his voice soft. “I could never forget about you, Remy. Never.”
Remy snuggles deeper into his blanket, his fingers clutching his dinosaur plushie tightly. “Okay. Can we read about dinos now?”
Charlie chuckles, the heaviness in his chest easing just a little. “Of course, bud. Let’s read about dinos.”
As he opens the book and begins reading, a quiet determination settles in his mind. He needs to figure things out with Nick—both for himself and for Remy. Whatever that means, he knows he has to try. He has to take control.