Loud, boisterous laughter filled the halls of the Burrow, and James couldn’t help but smile despite his mood. The Potter-Weasley family was celebrating something important that day. The marriage of Teddy Lupin to Lily Luna Potter. The two of them had asked for a simple party amongst friends and family, but in James' opinion, they should have known better than to expect people to follow through with that. Because with the entire Potter-Weasley clan involved, things such as calm and simple were nearly impossible.
Dominique Weasley stands up in her seat. "Give it up for the man of honor, James Potter!"
James stands, forcing a smile onto his face. A glass of wine was grasped tightly within his shaking hands, which was promptly passed off as nerves by anyone who might've noticed.
He lifts the glass into the air, "I'm usually shit at these types of speeches, but I'm going to give it my best go." he said, stopping as laughs and giggles echoed throughout the yard. When the laughter died down, he continued.
"I couldn't be any happier being here today. Here with my family, celebrating the wedding of my little sister and best mate with you all." The lie slipped from his lips without much trouble, but the words themselves left a sour taste in his mouth. He was lying through the skin of his teeth, smiling brightly while his heart broke into pieces by the second. He took a deep breath.
"Lily, you, and Al have both been the best friends a guy could ask for. I know I may act like a total dick to you at times, but it's true. I love you to the moon and back, and to see you, Lily, getting married to the man of your dreams warms my heart. Lilypad, you are one of the kindest souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I couldn't be any happier seeing you so happy." Technically, this wasn't a lie, he did love his sister, and it did warm his heart to see her so happy. But as of now, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in his room, wrap himself in a cocoon of blankets, and cry.
With his heart in his throat, he turns to the groom. "Teddy," he chokes out, "you have also been one of my best friends, probably my best friend. A family friend since before I was born, and a godbrother who has always been there for me. If I were to trust anyone to marry my little sister, it would be you. I have never seen her happier than the times that she is with you. May your lives be filled with love, joy, kindness, compassion, and kinship. I wish you for you two to have lives filled with peace, and that all of your arguments end in hot and wild sex when that serenity is disturbed.”
"James!" Cried his mother indignantly while the guests laughed merrily. James himself laughed when Albus smacked him on the shoulder, and both Lily and Teddy's faces flushed red.
“No, but seriously,” he said once everyone had quieted, "I hope you both have the happiest lives any couple could have, and I hope that your world brightens a little more each day and that you will always," he looked directly at Teddy, his eyes clouding, "be satisfied."
"What are you doing?"
James looked up from his book, smiling when he saw Teddy approaching.
"What does it look like," he asks, motioning to his book, "I'm reading."
Teddy plops down beside him, "why?"
Out of all the things for him to say, that was not what he expected. James blinked, startled at the question, "Because I'm in my seventh year and need to be studying for my NEWTS unless I want to fail?" It was meant as an explanation, but it came out as more of a question than anything else.
Either way, Teddy rolls his eyes before resting his head on James' shoulder. James felt his breath catch in his throat at the contact, and he prayed that Teddy couldn't hear the increased speed of his heartbeat racing wildly in his chest.
If you asked him, James wouldn't be able to pinpoint when exactly he started fancying his godbrother and best friend. It had all been very sudden, and it never failed to make his life complicated. Teddy could read people like a book, maybe it was the werewolf genes, or perhaps it had to do with him being a metamorphmagus, but either way, it never ceased to make life difficult, especially when it came to hiding his feelings for him.
"James, you've been holed up in your room for most of the week." Teddy says, "it's Christmas in a few days. You deserve a break, come out and enjoy yourself."
James sighed, flipping to the next page. "I don't know..." he says hesitantly.
Teddy groaned, shaking his head. "Just come with me, we can race or something, it'll be fun."
James sighed again, probably a bit more dramatic than needed, and closes his book, "fine, lead the way, Mr. Lupin."
If there had been any bit of doubt or hesitation still lingering in his mind, it was wiped away by the giant smile that appeared on Teddy's face. Merlin, Teddy already had James wrapped around his finger, and he didn't even know it! Teddy took his hand and dragged him downstairs while James had to fight the blush appearing on his face.
Upon getting outside, they grabbed their brooms and sped into the air. James relished the feeling of the wind whipping at his face and proceeded to challenge Teddy to a race. The older boy's face lit up, and the two of them sped around the Quidditch field situated in Potter Manor. At one point, Teddy brought out a Quaffle, and the two spent the next hour racing around and passing the Quaffle back and forth.
The moment they touched back down onto the ground, the two of them collapsed onto the grass beside each other before laughing so hard that they couldn't breathe. Teddy grins at him, his hair turning a mix of pale pink and yellow. "Now was that so bad," he teases, his voice breathy.
"No," James replies, grinning back, their hands were touching, it was probably accidental, but every word, every touch, they set his heart aflame - every part aflame, and he knew deep down that this was not a game. "In fact, I really missed this, just the two of us hanging out like this."
Teddy let out a hum of agreement, shifting upwards so he could rest his head on James' chest. It was something that they used to do when they were younger, whenever James got tired or whatnot, he would sit next to Teddy and lay his head on his chest and vice versa. Al liked to say that they were each other's personal pillows, James was inclined to agree with that statement.
"Do you think we can still do this," James asks, "when I graduate, I mean." Teddy peers up at him, intelligent grey eyes in a hunger-pang frame.
"Of course." He says, furrowing his brow. Strands of greenish-yellow begin to creep up his hair, confusion. James knew Teddy well enough to know the colors of each of his moods. "Why wouldn't we?"
"It's just-" James sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Sometimes, I wonder if we'll always be this close when we get older, or if we'll end up drifting apart."
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Teddy replies, raising his head to meet his gaze. "You forget yourself."
"You're like me," James answers, "I'm never satisfied. I've spent seven years, maybe more, thinking - wondering - about my life, what I want to do when I graduate. I mean, everyone is expecting me to be an Auror like Dad, but what if I don't want to be?"
"Is that right?" Teddy asks, his voice quiet.
"I have never been satisfied," James repeats, "and I don't think you are either. You only became an Auror because your mum was one, but tell me, do you actually enjoy it?"
Teddy was quiet for a few moments. "I don't know, sometimes." He looks downward for a second, "maybe you just haven't found the thing that fulfills you yet or..." he trails off.
"What?" James asks. Teddy shakes his head.
"Nevermind," he murmurs.
James tugs on a strand of his hair, "tell me."
He looks back towards James, and in a small whisper says, "maybe you haven't found the thing that fulfills you yet or... or the person."
James felt his mouth go dry, "what do you mean?"
Teddy's face flushes, "there's a million things I haven't done yet, Jamie, a million things you haven't done yet, a million people you haven't met yet. You don't know what will complete you until you try some of those things."
Their faces were only inches away from each other now, "and what exactly is included in those million things?" James asks.
Teddy's eyes flicker down to his lips, "well, there is one thing I can think of."
"Yeah?" James' voice was breathy, "what is it?"
Teddy's breath ghosts across his face as he leans in closer. "This."
Teddy leaned down, and the small space between them was closed. Teddy's lips were crushed against his. James' hand moves upward, his fingers gripping the now pink curls that covered the older boy's head while Teddy's cradles his face with his own. This wasn't the first time James had kissed someone before, and it wasn't the first time he kissed a boy either, but never has it felt like this, this... this was different.
This felt like he was flying. Like a piece of him that was missing had just been returned, it was the feeling of freedom, of seeing the light. This was the feeling he got when he became Quidditch Captain, and then Head Boy two years later, but this was so much better at the same time. Teddy's lips were felt so soft, so warm, and most importantly, they felt like home.
After James' graduation, Teddy invites James to move in with him, which he gladly accepts. It was Teddy's parent's old cottage, which Teddy moved into once he graduated. The house itself wasn't much, but it was so utterly Teddy that James couldn't help but love it.
It was like a dream, in a way. Though James had been pinning after Teddy for years, he had never expected Teddy to ever feel the same way about him. There was just something about the way Teddy looked at him that made James feel warm inside, something that made him feel like he was special. Actually, he's a bit of a flirt, but Teddy always meant well by it, so he was giving it a chance .
To say the rest of the family was surprised when they announced their relationship was an understatement. The only ones who seemed to know about it already were his parents and Albus. They all took it well, but James saw the disappointment in Gran Molly's eyes, and the heartbreak in Lily's.
That was the night he noticed his sister's feelings for Teddy. He was surprised he didn't see it before, it was so damn obvious. The way she looked at Teddy as if he was the best thing in the world, the way she would turn into a blushing mess whenever he was near, and the look in her eyes... her eyes are just helpless. He recognizes the look almost immediately because it was the exact same look he had years before.
Looking at his sister that night, he realizes three fundamental truths at the exact same time. The first was that he loved his sister to bits and would do anything for her. The second was that she was obviously in love with Teddy, he'd have to be naïve to set that aside. And the third... the third was that James was too.
Lily would always win, James knew that: whenever they played Quidditch, when it came to who had the best grades, and when it came to Teddy's heart. As he stared at his sister, he knew, deep down, what he had to do.
He remembers that night so well, it continued to haunt him no matter what he did. In fact, he just might regret that night for the rest of his days. It was four years after he and Teddy had gotten together, and to James, it was the best four years of his life.
Anyway, it had been a few days after Lily's graduation, and the family had planned a huge party to celebrate. Something they did with each of the Potter-Weasley children. Potter Manor was beautiful, immersed in a dreamlike candlelight, like a dream that you can't quite place.
It was a wonderful celebration, but despite the fact that James was happy for his sister, there was a large knot of dread forming in the pit of his stomach. He knew what he had to do, and he had avoided it for long enough. He had held back, hoping that Lily would somehow get over her feelings, but she never did.
Once the party begins to die down a bit, James finds himself standing at the couch where Teddy is sitting. "Teddy, can I talk to you?"
Teddy looks up, curiosity shining in his eyes. "Yeah, sure, what is it?"
He glances at Al, who is watching the exchange with curious eyes, "alone, please."
That was how they found themselves walking down one of the trails leading into the forest with their hands intertwined while James tried to gather his courage. The full moon shown brightly above them, bathing the woods in a shimmering white glow.
"I finished Dragonologist training," He begins. Teddy perks up, his eyes shining brightly.
"Really? James, that's wonderful!" Teddy replies, a wide grin splitting across his face. "You've been working on that for so long!"
"Yeah..." He trails off, looking away. Teddy frowns, obviously sensing that something was wrong.
"James?"
James sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I'm moving to the Romanian Dragon Sanctuary, to go work with Uncle Charlie. I don't know how long I'll be gone."
Teddy blinks, "okay, so? We can just write to each other, and maybe I can visit every once in a while. Or you could visit every weekend or something. Plus, we can always just use our phones to contact each other, or we could floo and-"
"What's the point?" James asks, cutting him off.
Confusion flickers across Teddy's face, "what do you mean?"
"Who knows how long I'll be there for. You'll be alone in the cottage, and I don't want to do that to you, Ted. It just seems a bit useless-"
"Useless?" Teddy whispers, the hurt in his voice clear as day. "I don't understand, we can work this out, can't we?"
"I-" James pauses, "I'm sorry."
"I love you," Teddy murmurs, "I don't-" he takes a shuddering breath, "I just thought you felt the same."
"I do," James says before he can stop himself, "fuck, Teddy, I love you so fucking much, but this won't work. Maybe one day - when I come back - we can try again, but that's not now."
Teddy takes a step closer, tugging James' head down to kiss him. And James doesn't resist, wrapping his arms around him and returning the kiss with equal force. When they break apart, James has to stop himself from breaking down.
"Is this it then?" James forces himself to meet Teddy's gaze and feels his heart breaking in two at the look in his eyes.
"Yeah," James says, "I suppose it is."
Lily and Teddy start dating a year later.
He came home from Romania for Christmas to see Teddy and Lily curled up on the couch. Al tells him they started dating a month ago, and he gets this sad look in his eye as he tells him. As if he knows what James did, and he tells him just as much.
"I know what you did," Al whispers to him, "why did you do it? You love him, don't you, why would you give him up?"
"I do," He tells him, "but I know Lily like I know my own mind. She'll be good for him, better even, you'll never find anyone as trusting or as kind. That's what he needs."
"He still loves you, his heart was broken when you left," Al says, and James flinches. "He loves Lily too, but I think a part of him always will love you."
James looks over to Teddy, who was laughing at something Lily just said. He looks away just as quickly, it was like being struck by a bolt of lightning, seeing him with someone else. Even if he brought this upon himself, he knew it would never be easy.
"Are you going to tell her," Albus asks, "about what you did, I mean."
"No," James responds almost immediately, "I can't."
Albus frowns, "why not?"
"If I tell her that I love him, she'd be silently resigned, he'd be mine," James meets Al's gaze, "she'd say she's fine, but her heart would be broken. She'd be lying. I don't want to do that to her."
Albus was quiet for a few moments, "you had him first, but you gave him up because you wanted your sister to be happy. Most people wouldn't have done what you've done, James. Hell, I don't think I would've."
"Yeah, well, I'm not most people," James replies, crossing his arms.
Albus places a hand on his shoulder, "you're a good brother, Jamie, I want you to know that. But you deserve to be loved just as much as Lily does."
James almost believes it.
That was how he got to where he was now, two years later at a wedding, and watching the man he loves marrying someone who wasn't him. It hurts, but he knows he made the right decision. And while Teddy may not be his anymore, at least he got to keep his eyes in his life.
James swallows thickly, holding his glass higher into the air, "I want to be the first to say my congratulations," He says to the crowd, "to your union, and the hope that you provide. I hope you have the happiest lives a couple can have, and I wish you my best." Taking a deep breath, he says, "To Teddy and Lily Lupin!"
"To Teddy and Lily Lupin!" The crowd cheers, raising their glasses to the newlyweds.
James walks up to congratulate his sister. She laughs and pulls him into a hug. She’ll be happy as his bride, he thinks. James twirls her around in the air, kissing her forehead and ruffling her hair as he used to when they were kids. He meets Teddy's gaze over her shoulder and turns to hug him afterward.
"Thank you, Jamie," Teddy whispers into his ear, "for everything."
And he smiles at him, knowing that he made the right decision all those years ago. And while it would never stop the feeling he got whenever he saw Teddy with Lily together, James regrets none of it. So James stands there, watching people coming up and giving the couple congratulations, and he knows that, deep down, he will never be satisfied.