Without Me

1 October 1990

The hazel tree’s leaves rustled above your head with the cool autumn breeze. It sent a delightful chill down your spine and you pulled your robes tighter. The sun was just starting to dip beneath the castle walls, giving the small courtyard a soft, golden glow. You looked out from under the tree with half-lidded eyes. A few students were scattered about, quietly enjoying the evening.

Oh yes, this was the perfect way to bring the day to a close. After the rough week you had it felt wonderful to just relax in a comfortable spot and forget about everything; you could easily fall asleep here.

“Hey back off!”

“Why don't you make me?!”

The loud shrieks from across the courtyard instantly snapped you out of your lull.

Ugh, not now please, you groan, and tilt your head towards the sound of the shouts. Two boys- a Gryffindor and a Ravenclaw- were staring each other down, and starting to attract a small crowd of students. Maybe if you give it a minute they’ll just calm down on their own?

“I said back off!” The Gryffindor lunged forward and took a clumsy swing at the Ravenclaw, who jumped to the side.

O-kay, time to get up.

You shook off the lingering sleep and headed toward the small crowd of students. “Hey you two, break it up.” you called out as you approached, but no one seemed to notice or hear you, too focused on the fighting duo.

“Hah, you missed me, you puny, whiny twat!” the Ravenclaw taunted as the Gryffindor stumbled, caught himself, and turned back with a scowl. His lips were drawn tight, his brow furrowed in anger and he reached down into his pants pocket to pull out his wand- the Ravenclaw kept laughing.

Your eyes widened, but you were nowhere near enough to stop it: the Gryffindor raised his wand up high and began the curse. “SLUGU-”

“That's quite enough!” Snape's hand snatched the Gryffindors wrist and gave it a hard yank, forcing the wand out of the boy's hand and to the ground. Snape’s harsh bark had the small crowd immediately scrambling and running away, but his hard glare was directed solely on the two boys.

The Ravenclaw boy stood frozen and ashen in terror, his eyes darting, trying to consider if it was worth making a run for it with the others. Snape's eyes narrowed, “Just try it Strix.” His voice was low and dangerous, and even the captured Gryffindor sunk back.

While the boys were frozen in terror, you wanted to scream. Because of course it would be Snape who would just suddenly appear, sweeping in with a swish of billowing black robes, to take charge of the situation. You just couldn’t get away, not a single weekend without him finding you somewhere, somehow. Wasn’t this castle supposed to be huge?

You forced yourself to step forward. “Are you both alright?”

“Good of you to finally join us, [Last Name].” Snape spat.

“You can let go of him now.” You said, ignoring Snape's jab. One of you could be professional at least.

He waited a beat, pretending to consider it, before letting the boy's wrist go. Relief washed over the Gryffindors face and he practically ran to stand beside you. Strix had also decided you were a perfect cover from Snape’s wrath and lingered to your right.

“Are either of you hurt?” you repeated the question, giving them a quick look over.

“The two are perfectly fine, [Last Name].” Snape's voice answered impatiently. He picked up the wand from the ground and pointed at the two of them. “Kettles! Strix! No use in hiding, front and center, now.” He ordered. The two slunk away from you and stood before him.

“Care to explain why you two have decided to lose your houses twenty five points each?” Snape’s sarcasm flew directly over the first year Gryffindor’s head.

“I didn’t want to lose points, Professor, but he started it!” Kettles wailed.

“Stop your whining.” Snape looked down at the boy with obvious distaste. “I’m not surprised to see a Gryindor instigating a fight.” He turned to Strix, “But to see the oh so clever Ravenclaw pulled down to his level. Tsk. Tsk.”

Strix’s face flushed in guilty shame at Snape’s words. He hadn’t so much been pulled into a fight, as much as he had started teasing Kettles, who wasn’t going to let the teasing slide.

Regardless, Snape’s whole spiel peeved you.

“Hold on now, you don’t even know what happened.”

“And you do?”

“Oh, well no, but-”

“As I see it, these two were fighting on school grounds and Kettles was about to cast a curse. That’s cause enough for expulsion, boy.” His eyes fixed on the Gryffindor, whose face twisted in horror.

“That’s much too harsh for a first time infraction, Professor.” You marveled at how quickly and easily you could defend the two students against his venom, but when he had his sights on you, you had to fight to keep from crying.

He clicked his tongue in annoyance. “Fine. Two weeks detention, starting tomorrow. You can thank Professor [Last Name]’s bleeding heart.”

Snape then turned toward the veranda outlining the courtyard and motioned for a figure who was walking by. The figure stepped out into the courtyard and jogged over to them- a Gryffindor prefect.

“Yes Professor?”

“Take these two to their dormitories, and let McGonagall and Flitwick know they’ll be hearing from me.” Snape handed the prefect the wand, and the prefect led the two silent boys away.

You watched their forms disappear and swallowed hard. Oh no. No, no, no. Damn it. Crap.

Once again, Snape had been able to find you and trap you. This time it had just happened so fast you hadn’t even realized it. You breathed in slowly; this wasn’t like the last time when he found you in the halls. This time he was at fault. It was on Snape to ask for your forgiveness.

But fat chance of that happening.

“It seems I’ve caught you again [Last Name].”

Snape’s voice cut through the thick and awkward tension that had settled in the space between you. He eyed you up and down critically, and for a split second you felt a bit embarrassed; you still had on your casual work clothes, and after a day of helping Hagrid wrangle a litter of crup pups, you were messy and dirty.

You crossed your arms in front of you and shifted uncomfortably, but kept your voice flat. “Yes, I’m starting to think you’re stalking me.”

He rolled his eyes, unimpressed. “Have you spoken to Dumbledore about moving departments?”

Straight to the point eh?

“No I wasn't able to. Looks like the Headmaster left Hogwarts on some business. He won't be back until the end of October.”

“And you spoke with Minerva?”

You thought back to what Minerva had said, basically telling you to suck it up and deal with it, until you could plead your case with Dumbledore. Then you thought about her suggestion to talk to him herself.

“She thinks it's best we wait for Dumbleore to return before we make a change. Unfortunately, for the time being, I’ll have to stay where I’m at.” You didn't bother trying to hide the despondency in your voice.

Snape nodded, easily accepting your explanation. It was actually a little worrying, how he didn’t seem surprised. Not about Dumbledore being gone, or about Minerva's insistence on you staying put. You felt a knot in your stomach; Minerva wouldn’t take it upon herself to talk to him anyway would she?

You shook if out of your mind. It didn’t matter because nothing she could say would make a difference. You had thought about it over and over– played it all out in your head– and you knew what you had to say; you were going to have to be the bigger person, again.

Snape would never come out and just admit he was wrong or that he was sorry. You could already hear him: ‘I don’t care about your feelings [Last Name], and Dumbledore isn’t here to save you! I’ll expect you Monday to continue your due diligence to this department!’

It made you shake in anger, but it was better to just get it over with.

“Listen, I get you don’t like me, or trust me, or even want me in Potions at all, but for now I’m stuck.” You tried to keep your voice level, to keep it from cracking. “I don’t want to let Dumbledore, or the school, down; I just want to do the best I can, so– like it or not– we’re going to have to come to an understanding.”

“Funny, as it seems Dumbledore has let you down by setting you up to fail from the start. He sent you to me afterall.”

Your brows furrowed and you glared at his derisive tone. Don’t speak that way about Dumbledore! The thought rang loudly in your head; it was thanks to him you were here at all. Snape continued before you could voice your anger.

“Nevertheless, I can admit you have proven yourself… adequate.”

Snape turned to you fully now, and his demeanor suddenly and palpably changed, intensified. Those dark endless eyes seemed to catch you whole and anchor you to your spot.

“The question is, why are you really here [Last Name]?”

The question caught you off guard and you did nothing to hide the confusion that bloomed on your face. What was this all of a sudden?

“I’m not sure I understand? Why am I here, like, at Hogwarts?”

Snape inclined his head and took a step toward you, “Are you here due to some sense of duty or obligation? Or is there something you're trying to escape?”

He spoke carefully, stepping around the things he now knew. All the painful things you had unwittingly and inadvertently put on display for him. It was better to draw them out from you, to have you voluntarily fill in the blanks.

“Well...I’m here for a new start.” You shifted on your feet again. Maybe you could take a chance and speak sincerely?

“I guess you could call this an escape. I… I spent a lot of time hiding away. Being here, it’s my chance to start fresh– to start over, free from the past.” His sudden snort of bitter laughter did nothing to mitigate your confusion.

“ ‘Free from the past.’ ” Snape repeated your words, thick with hidden meaning, and his face suddenly clouded.

In the dark courtyard, Snape seemed to have slipped into a far off memory; a memory of anguish and mistakes, and of dark unspoken secrets you couldn’t fathom. The flickering candle light from the castle behind you cast strange moving shadows across his form. It played with your eyes– was that a flutter of guilt on his face? Of regret?

You unconsciously took a few steps backwards.

This.. this was incredibly unnerving. You were ready for another blow out; ready to make yourself heard and demand that he take you seriously. The possibility that things might get violent had even crossed your mind; you hadn’t let your wand out of your sight, just in case. But this mysterious behavior left you utterly deflated.

Then the spell broke.

“Severus?” you said hesitantly.

“Fine. Until the headmaster returns, just what do you propose?” His sharp tone had blessedly returned.

You swallowed dryly, queuing up the speech you had prepared.

“I’ll do my work, and I’ll be respectful of your space, if you do the same. No more undermining me, or testing me, or any of that rubbish. I can try to forget about all the nonsense that has been said and done if it means we have peace. But you have to understand that I’m responsible for these kids too, and I can’t tolerate that kind of disrespect from my students, especially if they're taking cues from you. Please, let’s just make it work– at least until the end of October.”

He seemed to contemplate it for a moment. “And if I refuse?”

Alright, now he was just taking the piss.

“Then I’ll just throw myself in the damn lake. I’m sure the giant squid won’t mind the company!” You snapped back, exasperated.

His nostrils flared and he indulged in a smug smirk.

“A truce then.”

“Yes, a truce!” You practically shouted, ready to end this, and stuck out your hand to him impulsively. It was a pointless gesture, you realized– he would probably find shaking hands completely silly.

But to your surprise, Snape reached out. His pale hand enveloped yours; calloused, yet smooth and cool. It sent a strange uncomfortable shiver up your arm; your fingertips brushed against the edge of his sleeve as you hastily tore your hand away.

“R-right then, Monday! I’ll be in the dungeons Monday– tomorrow night– like we agreed.”

He gave you a closing nod and walked away, leaving you in the dark of the courtyard confused and unsettled.

When you were sure he was gone you let out a tired sob, and plopped down on the nearest stone bench. That was the most disconcerting encounter you’d ever had with the potions master. And it had left you inexplicably exhausted.

You rubbed your eyes and laid back on the cold stone, inhaling the crisp night air, watching the plumes of your breath rise and dissolve into the darkness.

That hadn’t turned out exactly how you wanted, but you figured that was probably the best you could hope for. For now, you resolved to take things day by day. This whole ‘conversation’– or whatever it was, you thought with a shiver– would be the last time you offered you up an olive branch. Now it would just be a waiting game until the end of October.