sienna

 “ would look just like you, with a temper like you, run around like you,” 

                                - the marias

─────────

It came as an unsure whisper, just as unsure as the softly pup-like scent swirling around her own. 

Four months since Jinx. Since ‘always with you, sis.”

She hadn't suspected a thing, maybe she didn't want to, she just thought she was sick. 

An unsure whisper from Caitlyn is all it took to change her life. 

It's just another thing Jinx has given her, another thing she has taken away from them. 

─────────

She's gotten good at ignoring, denying, things lately.

It's easy to do the same for this, to shift and mend it into something else. It does not erase what it is.

(There is a pup growing inside of her, oblivious to her turmoil. Jinx’s pup.)

(She has cursed it already. There will be no sire waiting for them when they take their first breath, and she will never be able to measure up.)

(She could get rid of it. She knows she could. She cannot.)

Sometimes it's difficult though. 

She makes it difficult.

The little parasite inside her is a person, or will be soon, a baby. A girl. It shares her blood, Jinx’s blood, her family’s blood. The blood of all the people she's loved. She must love her too, and yet she finds she cannot. But she might.

Her hands, bloodied and broken, that have killed dozens. Her hands, that caress the gentle curve of her stomach, with all the care in the world. Her hands, that shake, because this is something she can't run from, cannot fight.

She tries. She’s never been one to give up.

─────────

Violet thinks she knows what pain is, knows how scary the world can be. 

It's nothing like this, she has been terrified before, and this makes her feel like she never really has been.

Caitlyn could be here, just a few rooms away, and yet she can't bring herself to go to her, to tell. She knows what's happening to her. 

Jinx’s pup carves a hole in her womb, just as her sire carved a hole in her chest, both wanting out and away. 

Jinx wanted death, freedom. Her pup wants life, freedom all the same.

She wants to be freed too. 

She wants this to be the death of her, to give life, and then for her own to be taken, like some cruel penance for not being enough to keep Jinx with her.

This feels like a punishment already, and she wants more. She cries out at the sharp pain deep in her stomach, like a rejection, and she stumbles to her knees against the wall. 

The tears flow easily, 9 months of wanting for something she can't have, wont have again. 9 months of wishing for something she could have.

She doesn't want to do this. She can't do this. It hurts too much, stings like the skin of her lip she's biting into, and she wants it so bad.

The sting in her lips trails down, burning and cracking, all the way down to something she had once associated with warmth, with love, with pleasure. 

It only gives her pain now, and she both loathes and revels in it. She thinks she will die tonight.

Yes, she thinks, tonight, as something (blood, maybe, her vision is too red to tell if that's right) seeps out from her thighs. She isn't scared of it, it's a comforting thought almost. She wants that. 

But she wants more, too. Something she's denied herself.

She wants the soft breeze of spring that caressed her skin and gave her goosebumps the day her sister was born, she wants the warmth that threatens to heat her until she burns. She wants the wind in her hair as she runs from a little girl. Powder. 

No, not Powder. 

Another little girl, her little girl.

But it seems fake, a twisted fantasy that will never happen, only an idealistic thought for dreamers, like in fairytales. There would always be something missing; a flash of blue, a sourly sweet scent, and a cold embrace.

It reminds her of the puzzle she had when she was a kid. Powder had accidently knocked the box over, and it took her weeks to find all the pieces. It took her another few weeks to finish it, and on the last day, there was a missing piece. She never found it. That puzzle sit there for years, until one day she looked at it, and got so frustrated it couldn't be complete she cried and threw it outside.

She went back for it after a few days. It was completed, but she had given up on it by then (or maybe she hadn't). 

It feels like that, and yet she knows throwing it out will not complete it this time. It never will. She wants to anyway. It's no use uncompleted.

She doesn't know what time it is. It was just past 11pm, or so, when she had been awoken by the feeling in her stomach, like stabbing stars. She thinks she must have laid here for hours.

There is blood(?) puddling under her, staining her skin and pants, warming her thighs. 

(Seven years of being cold. She chased any warmth she could get after.) 

Her brain hurts, humming like static, and its all she can do to just sigh and close her eyes.

The wall she's propped up is stiff against her bones, making her sore in all the right places. 

Its nice, almost, and she finds herself humming that song. 

The one her mother taught her and Powder, that she’d always hum and Powder would always sing, complete on their own but meant to be together.

Maybe that's why.

A cold breeze up her face, tickling her hair, and making the expanse of skin where her cheek’s tattoo sit tickle. Her eyes blink open wearily, and she breathes out.

Mom. 

She jumps back, and her head sings. 

This feels familiar, and it gives her butterflies.

She looks like she did, that day. The day she had Powder. Vi remembers when her mom was pregnant with Powder, she always seemed so happy about it and she feels wrong, or broken, because she cant for her own child, for Jinx's child. She must be dissapointed, she should be. 

Her hand is caressing Vi’s cheek, and she can't even stop the whimper that comes out of her. She feels like a child again.

She says something, but Vi can't quite make it out, and she's pulling away and Vi is reaching for her before she disappears. She mourns the loss, but she isn't given much time to breathe, to process.

Because Jinx is there. 

It's not the ones that usually haunt her.

She can tell this one is from the inbetween, after the commune, but before the war. Before Jinx left her.

Short, choppy blue hair with rough and chapped fingers. That bruise on her collarbone, the one she had left there, in the vague shape of a heart. The expression in her eyes; empty, numb, but she knew they’d fill with affection even so often. For her. Only for her. 

She doesn't know what to say.

Jinx kneels down next to her, sitting on her heels, and brushing strands of red hair out of her face with a hum. “I thought you wanted this?”

She knows what she means. She can't let the memory of that conversation do anything but linger. It keeps her awake at night, makes her shame only worsen. 

“Not like this. You should be here, with me.”

Jinx falls against the wall, against her. “I am.”

She makes a faint scoff. She is, but not in the way she needs her to be here. This is just salt in the wound, more blood seeping out a cut that always bleeds. 

“You deserve this too, y’know. Not just us, or me. You. You deserve to be happy.”

“So did you.”

A hum, a cold press of skin to her own. It's too cold, not that burning hot mixed with too cold she needs. There's no electricity, no sting in this. 

“I am happy. You could be too, if you let yourself. I want you to be happy, even if it's without me. Especially if it's without me.”

She has nothing to say to that, her eyes close, leaning her head against the wall again. That throb is back.

When she opens her eyes, Jinx is gone, and she's still alive, and she thinks. 

Blue hair, brown peeking through. Bright, amber eyes. A gap in her teeth. A smile just as bright as her eyes.

She remembers Isha, too well. She remembers all of it too well, the grief, the hurt, everything. She never found out how to forget the image of her pup bloodied and broken out of her image. It haunts her, haunted Jinx when she was here. Its an brutal reminder of what this world does to pups. 

But she can't forget the rest either. 

Something possesses her to hum, that same old song. The pup moves, stirring at the sound, like it almost always does at her voice or her hums. It makes her sick. It made her even more sick when Caitlyn said she knew who it belonged to, that it meant she liked her. 

It's missing the lyrics. It's missing Jinx’s presence.

It still sounds beautiful, she thinks. 

It's with that thought, with Jinx and her mother’s presence, in her mind that she gets up. She winces at the fluids leaking down her thighs, a hand on her stomach cradling as if it’ll stop the pain.

Heavy steps. A too long hallway that for once she doesn't mind. 

“Caitlyn.”

─────────

She's not sure what changed. Maybe its hormones, but whatever the case, something is different with Vi.

She's used to the upset scent she has whenever she's forced to think about the pup growing inside her, Caitlyn had assumed her scent would sour even more in labour. 

But it's sweet. It's that warm, pillowy blend of raspberries and caramel with the mix of milky vanilla, and the faint trace of Jinx’s, that she's grown to associate with Vi’s relaxation, her peace. 

She has never once associated it with the thought of Vi’s pup, because its simply never coexisting. Until now. So something has changed, and that's only confirmed with how Vi’s acting.

She's curled up with her head in Caitlyn’s nap, both of them tangled in the omega’s nest, and she looks soft. Her eyes are closed, and there's a faint purr or hum. Maybe both. She can smell the happiness radiating off her, and Caitlyns so utterly confused.

The omega has known she's pregnant for 5 months, and in those months, she's rarely shown an inkling of happiness towards that knowledge. Today is the first, and maybe it's a hormones thing, but she doesn't think so.

Hormones do not explain how Violet of all people has a hand wrapped protectively around her stomach, or how she purrs, or how she hums (to the baby), or how she smells. Even in labour, in pain. Despite how hurt she is, she is happy. Caitlyn never thought to expect it, but she should have, knowing Vi. She smiles.

She's so in love with this surprising little omega it hurts. Caitlyn thinks Vi is just what she needs in her bland, routine life. The girl never fails to surprise her.

Caitlyn has had ‘crushes’ on girls many times, omegas or alphas or betas, and even a boy once or twice before she figured out she didn't quite swing that way. She got obsessed with them for a week or two, and forgot about it after. She's been obsessed with Violet for just under two years now, and the intensity hasn't faded, even as the girl is claimed and carrying someone else’s pup.

She doesnt get why. Her mother would have been able to easily make a list with all her cons. She's not from some fancy house, or rich, or her type, or even up for grabs, and she's bratty and mean with an attitude and the need to fight everything that moves. And yet.. Caitlyn cant stop herself from loving Vi even if she tried. And she has. 

Caityn could make a list with all her pros, just as easily as her mother could make a con list. She thinks of them absentmindedly, Vi’s purrs or whimperz becoming background noise. She's used to them now, having accepted it's a waiting game and the omega only gets pissed the more she freaks out.

Absolutely gorgeous and adorable; with her stunning features that are so feminine and cute in a way that just makes her look even more hot, the stunning grey-powder blue eyes always filled with such emotion or her scarred lips full of color and pouts. Expressive, and always making faces that makes Caitlyn want to squeeze her. 

She's kind. She's never met someone with a bigger heart. It's her worst flaw, too. Vi loves so hard it consumes her, and she can't stop it. It's shown in her behavior towards Jinx, how easily she lets the alpha pup be forgiven and then mate and breed her, how she can't stop loving her even when Jinx has left her. 

She makes Caitlyn better, too. Instead of some omegas she's met who have been content with letting alphas think they’re always right, Vi will fight with her over something she doesn't like until Caitlyn sees her faults and accepts the omega is just right. Usually. Or untill she gives up fighting with her. She teaches Caitlyn to be kind, to be good. 

Yes, there's a lot of pros to her, and even more she's sure. She cant care to think about how her mother would be so upset she's letting this claimed, pregnant irregular omega lead her around like a dog on a leash and even more upset that Caitlyn wants it this way. 

But she wouldn't. Not fully. Caitlyn’s mother loves her. She struggled to accept that often, but after her death, Caitlyn realized her mother only acted with love in regards to her. 

After her death, Caitlyn realized another thing.

The last time she had ever seen her mother was when the councilwoman gave her the cue to go after Vi, her approval. She hasnt come home after, sucked into her work, and Caitlyn had been kidnapped after. Then everything happened. She likes to think her mother would love Violet regardless, like how her father does. She knows the man has.. his opinions about her, but he clearly loves having her around and has made attempts to grow close to her. 

That's a pleasant thought. She can't help but imagine what it would be like if it all happened another way.

Violet marked still, but not from Jinx. A mud stained pup running around her legs, with navy blue hair. Her mother scolding the mother and child duo for running around and getting the floor dirty, Caitlyn and Tobias snorting in amusement together. 

Sometimes she wonders if in another life, Vi would be hers, and if the pup growing inside her would be Caitlyn’s too. But it doesn't matter, she’ll take what shes given. Good things come to those who wait, or so they say.

“You smell all..” Vi pauses, nose wrinkled as she thinks of a word. “mushy.” 

Caitlyn snorts, flicking the girl’s rough nose in amusement. “Just thinking.”

“‘Bout what? Sunshine and rainbows?” 

The alpha sighs, tugging the redhead in her hands closer to her. She doesn't care about her fluid soaked thighs, or the sweat and shivers creeping up her skin. 

Naturally, just as normal as breathing, a hand finds a way to her strawberry strands. “I actually have quite a bit to be happy about. The little blueberry will be here soon, I get to be– what was it you said– mushy.”

Vi scoffs and rolls over, now laying on her back and staring up at Caitlyn’s face. “Not when it's making my nose all gross, and I think she's bigger than a blueberry now.” 

“You have no imagination, if she wants to be a blueberry she can be. And I haven't complained about your scent, have i?"

Vi’s lips slap, trying to think of an rebuttal, and she groans with her face in her hands. “Well– Ugh, whatever. Atleast I dont smell like Piltie.” 

“I don't think that's how that works.” 

Vi goes to say something, but her sentence is cut off by a sharp gasp. Caitlyn stares down at her in worry, waiting for the second she needs to call in her dad from where he's perched somewhere in their bedroom. They’re in a closet in Vi’s nest, somewhere she had felt safe. She coos at the omega, in her best form of comfort, and then stops when said omega snarls and bares her teeth as best as she can around her wounded noises. 

But shes interupted by a wince, and Vi is panting in her lap in a few more moments. “I think it's getting worse.”

She hums, nodding. “Surely. Its been a few hours since you started, it must be getting close. I can call in my father?”

Vi growls. “No. I just want you here.. and Carrotcake. I think I'm going to lose it if she doesnt stop squeezing my organs.” 

Her alpha preens at the comment, at Vi just wanting her here out of everyone. She tucks back her smug, proud feeling for another time. 

“What, am I not good enough for you?”

“No. You stink, Maddie needs to be here, do all her weird omega shit.”

Caitlyn tenses for only a second. While Vi has no issue with it, always so forgiving, Caitlyn has a harder time forgetting the girl she let into her bed had been a spy from Ambessa the whole time and had planned to kill her at the end. She almost did, she could tell she debated it for almost a second. But Vi doesn't have many friends, and Maddie seems to be her closest aside from Ekko, so she tolerates the many mentions of the ginger omega for her. And the many hangouts.. and calls… and visits..

“Maddie isn't even her name, you know that right? And what does she have, that I don't?” She comments, feigning fake hurt and jealously that isn't all too fake. Of course she's jealous, though, who wouldn't be of someone who got to spend Violet Lane’s heat with her? 

“She’ll always be Mads to me, even if her actual name is way sicker. And she has no annoying stupid alpha pheromones.” 

Caitlyn rolls her eyes, pushing her off her legs, and chuckling when Vi immediately crawls back up. She gets it though; knows the comfort of another omega is something she can't replace. Even if she wishes she had chosen someone else, Vi and ‘Maddie’ have a sort of bond and the girl can calm her easily. It would be good for something like this. 

She starts wishing for the ginger more when Vi starts pacing in pain, only stopping to pant and silence screams, and even more so when the omega snaps at her for following at her heel. 

Gone is the peaceful, relaxing environment she woke up to today. She has never been more scared of an omega in her life. She thinks the girl might bite her throat out with her own teeth right now, and all her father can give her is a smirk of amusement. 

Still, she ends up hovering because she's her and she's just as anxious as Vi. She needs to pace too. Sometimes Vi takes it gratefully, turns and holds tight onto her instead of snapping or growling in frustration.

Vi is in pain, emotional and physical. Even her sudden peace about her pup cannot change that. Caitlyn can't blame her for being shortempered, she would be too, she's sure. So she tries not to take it personally. She just wants to be there for Vi, make sure she feels safe and comfortable. That means listening to her, and respecting her boundaries. Even if she doesn't want to.

Like now, where Caitlyn has been told to sit and wait outside of the closest Vi has finally holed herself up in. She wants to be with her, incase she needs it or something goes wrong, and her leg shakes with how hard she's trying to stop herself from going over to her. Her father is sitting next to the closest’s door, murmuring instructions and replies she can barely hear over Vi’s sounds of pain.

It seems like hours she sits there, waiting for something. She thinks this must be it, after a particularly rough wail that even the walls can't muffle, and she looks to her father in surprise for reassurance, answers or something she can't quite put into words. The alpha waits for her answer when her father cannot give it to her, and it comes in a few moments, between choked out gasps and sobs. 

A pup’s cry, a first breath. 

She's standing up before she can even think about it, and then freezes. She looks at her father again, and watches as the man knocks on the closest door, and then as he's swiftly pulled in. She gets only a meager glimpse of Vi’s bright red hair. Caitlyn falls down into the chair again, leg bouncing up and down immediately, as she waits. 

It's silent now, and that's worrying. It's almost insufferable. 

Until it isn't, because there's a creak of a door opening and her name being whispered like it was when Jayce wanted her to see something magical, something important and life-altering, that was a secret just for them if only for a few moments. 

She stumbles over, immediately entranced by Vi’s sweet scent, and nearly falls to her knees next to the omega. There's a pup in her arms, and it steals a second long glance from its mother, but she's more worried about Vi right now. 

Her omega, so strong and good and amazing and perfect and so many other words she wants to say.

Caitlyn’s brain is moving faster than her mouth, and she's babbling words so fast and so tangled she doesn't even know what she's saying. Vi must not either, from her confused expression that sits on her face for a fraction of time, and then her soft laugh. Caitlyn giggles too, and they bask in their soft moment of serenity, before the pup in her arms murmurs and squirms.

Caitlyn exhales, and looks down at her from where she's leant against Vi’s shoulder. 

“She's so.. tiny.” She says, breathless and Vi nods. 

“Yeah, she is. Your dad said it was fine though, so I guess it's okay.” 

She stares at the pup, watching as it nuzzles into Vi’s bare chest. Her hair is bright blue, electric and vivid, a mirror image of her sire. She can't see much of the baby’s face from its position, but she has a feeling Jinx has haunted the rest of the girl’s features. 

“Do you wanna hold her?” Caitlyn nods before she's even done with the sentence, which Vi smiles at, before she's unwrapping the infant from her embrace and carefully passing her over to Caitlyn. The alpha watches as the redhead shows her where to put her hands, where to support.

God, she's even more little in her hands. Her face is just as delicate and soft as the rest of her, but she can see where she gets her parent’s influence from, and knows they’ll harden as she ages. Caitlyn coos down at her. 

“Well, I guess she's a little bigger than a blueberry. Does she have a name yet?” She asks, tracing the baby’s velvet soft skin with feather light fingers. The pup smells so good, in a way she didn't think she would minutes after being born. She smells like safety, and warmth and love, and her parents. All scents she's came to enjoy. 

Vi sighs, leaning her head against her shoulder and looking down at her daughter. 

“No. I never thought about it,” 

Caitlyn had, though. She could give Vi a list of names right now, and she's told her some, but the omega had always shut down even the thought of names before. But this isn't her pup, and she's sure Vi will think of something. 

“I want to continue the pattern my mom started though. Me and Powder were both named after colors, seems right to name her that too. But I dont know alot of name worthy colors. She’ll have to live with it forever, it needs to be a good one.” 

Caitlyn nods. She thinks it's a good idea, and even if she didn't, she wouldn't say anything. It's not her right. This isn't her pup.

“Something blue, maybe.” Vi nods, and they sit in silence for a few moments.

“Indigo, or– Azula, Azure, Azzura? Something like that. I don't know. It doesn't feel right.” Vi comments. “I guess it’ll come to me.” 

She's sure it will. She remembers when she was gifted her dog on her 16th birthday, a graceful black standard poodle that she should have had no trouble naming. She didn't, in truth, because there were dozens of names she came up with. She still didn't pick any for weeks, until she stumbled upon a name she didn't quite like at first, but it had felt right the second she put the two together and she had just known it was meant to be. She thinks naming a kid is far more important, and it should be done with that same click of righteousness Caitlyn had felt that moment.

She's interrupted from her thoughts by the baby’s coo, and her movement. She looks down, and sees her eyes have finally opened. Caitlyn gasps at the sight.

“Vi! Her eyes– They’re pink!” Vi’s own eyes open at that, shifting and leaning over to look. 

“One is pink. They both were earlier, I thought. Dunno how the others brown.” She states, with the faint hue of confusion in her voice. 

Caitlyn studies the baby’s iris, and her mother is right. Only one of her eyes is that glowing pink Jinx possesses. The other is a dusky brown shade with an almost amber hue. She can't quite name the color more than just brown. 

“Is it from the shimmer?”

Vi nods. “Yeah, she's a shimmer baby. Happens a lot in Zaun apparently, when the parents take shimmer; I thought she would be. It’d be more surprising if her sire’s bloodstream being entirely shimmer didn't affect her. She’ll be okay though, I think.” 

Caitlyn didn't know any of that, she knew Jinx’s bloodstream and her.. fluids were almost entirely shimmer but she didn't know it would have an effect on the alpha’s pups. She wonders how many pups have been plagued by this, how many of them were addicted to a drug before they could even walk. Vi doesn't let her think for long though.

“I have an idea. For her name,” She suggests, and Caitlyn quirks her eyebrows in curiosity. 

“Sienna. Sienna Lane. After her eyes.” 

That idea ends up being more than just a thought, ends up being this tiny pup’s identity and her legacy. It ends up being Violet’s legacy, the thing that keeps her living instead of just breathing.

─────────

A surprise to none but her, Caitlyn ends up with a daughter. After Vi’s heat, after they chose to become mates, the omega asks her to officially raise her pup with her. Not as.. whatever they were before, but as mates, as Sienna’s mother. 

It doesn't fill the Jinx shaped hole in their lives, she doesn't think anything will. 

(“Does it get easier?” “No. You just learn to live with it.”)

But Vi is better. 

She's no longer that torn apart by grief omega, with the sunken face and empty eyes. She doesn't come home with bloodied wraps, or raw knuckles, or finger shaped bruises on her hips and thighs. 

She glows. Vi is happy now, she knows it like she knows breathing. She's healthy, finally eating on her own without Caitlyn or Tobias having to remind her. She smiles too, and that sweet scent of peace always lingers.

And yet..

That empty, sad look in her eyes isn't fully gone. It comes and goes, like an infestation you can't quite get rid of. She wants to make it better, wants to rip it away from Vi who never deserved to be the beholder. She's trying. Jinx isnt very helpful. 

Sienna is at her breast, just over half a year old. She's growing, just as her and Violet are. As Jinx must be. She knows what the omega is thinking before she has to say anything, can tell by that look in her eyes. 

“Do you think she knows she has a daughter? I don't even know if she actually wanted a kid. We talked about it once but.." 

She thinks of the collection of letters she's gotten lately, of the collection she's sent back. Not just letters; pictures, trinkets and articles. 

(Violet gave birth a few months ago. A girl, blue hair. A bit like mine, but not quite the same. Born with pink eyes, but they’re almost brown now. Sienna.) 

(I have a daughter?)

She thinks of how Jinx had never responded to her letters, until she sent that one, how fast her reply back was, how she could see the hope and love bleeding through the paper. 

Jinx knows she has a daughter. And she wants her more than life. 

Oneday, she wants Vi to know that too.

─────────

Sienna is 3 years old. She knows nothing more than love and safety and warmth, everything her parents could want for her but..

She could have more. Could.

Will.

Caitlyn has never been good at letting things go, or at not getting what she wants. She bends and shapes the world to her will. This is just another thing she has to do, for Vi and for Sienna, who mean the world to her, who has given her everything. Doing this would only a fraction of what they've doing for her.

(The time is right.) 

─────────

It takes another year. Jinx is just as stubborn as her, while Caitlyn wants her to be here Jinx wants to be there and theyre all the same really. Spoiled girls who always get what they want, and dont know how to act when they dont. 

They’re both used to their game of pull and push and tug and claw. Jinx flees where Caitlyn runs, bites where she hunts. She doesnt want it to last.

She gets what she wants in the end, after meetups with the blue haired girl and even more arguments with her, and bait and what might qualify as guilt tripping or manipulation. Funnily enough, she doesnt think it was her doing. 

It's Vi, always Vi. 

Caitlyn has never been able to resist comforting her, either.

This time, Jinx doesnt leave her after her heat. She stays, and never leaves again. That look in Vi’s eyes is chased off by her presence. A ghost cant haunt a ghost. 

Sienna relearns the meaning of sire and mother, but not quite. Violet learns Jinx wants Sienna, just as much as she wants Violet.

(Once, she had thought not at all. She knows better now, she has living proof of it everyday.) 

(Jinx cant find it in herself to leave, she learns to be selfish again. She's okay with it.)

Caitlyn has always gotten what she wants.