The Four-legged Fox Trot
Y/N thought she was really going to get in trouble this time. She and the twins had just barely sat their tired bums on the common room couches after committing one of their crimes when Professor McGonagall climbed through the portrait hole.
The poor student's heart nearly jumped out of her chest as their head of house began striding over to Y/N’s general direction. The menaces known as Fred and George, on the other hand, were on the verge of spilling out into laughter over how stiff Y/N had suddenly become. The girl gulped, fearing the possibility of being caught and sent off to detention.
But to Y/N’s great relief, McGonagall stopped in front of the bulletin board, stuck a parchment to the wall, and promptly left. Though not without throwing a suspecting glance at the students sitting together suspiciously on the couch.
As soon as the professor was out of the common room, the trio of youngsters scrambled to take a peek at the paper. "Oh thank goodness, I thought she was going to punish us," Y/N exhaled, releasing all the stiffness from her body.
"Yeah, you left quite the mess this time. There was evidence everywhere," Fred said as he leaned on the girl's shoulder.
Y/N's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates with fear. "I did not! Or...Well...Did I?"
"Who knows. There's probably a witness out there ready to accuse you of your crimes against humanity," George added as he mirrored Fred's actions on Y/N's other shoulder.
"But we only glued Filch to his broom," Y/N muttered thoughtfully. "Well anyway, what's this?"
Fred leaned forward to inspect the parchment- much to Y/N's amusement. She'd have to get him some reading glasses soon. A grin so devilish that it sent shivers down Y/N's body spread over Fred's face soon after. Apparently, this particular expression was infectious only to boys because it also presented itself on George's face.
"Have you nitwits been possessed? Am I missing something?" The girl then read the announcement but found that there was nothing remotely special about it. So what if McGonagall wanted all fourth years to gather for a meeting tomorrow?
"Our dear Y/N's about to have the talk," Fred announced mischievously as he returned to the couch.
"What talk?"
"The legendary four-legged fox trot talk," said George.
"You're just pulling my leg at this point aren't you," Y/N deadpanned.
"Absolutely not," The twins replied.
"We assumed you knew, Y/N," Fred started.
"I guess you really are as innocent as you seem," George continued.
"Am not!! I know all about the four-legged foxtrot!" She protested furiously. Then, it went completely silent.
"Oh my, Y/N. What scandals have you been getting into lately? And without telling me," a new voice mused. Yet another ginger menace emerged from the portrait hole, ready to tease Y/N. "Now I'm curious. Just whom are you canoodling with hmm?"
"No one Ginny, shut up before I smack you," Y/N threatened defensively.
Ginny, whose favorite pastime was harassing her poor friend, started "ooooooohh"-ing like a child as she ran up to Y/N's face and grabbed it. "Don't tell me you've been fox-trotting with my brothers now."
Y/N and the twins were suddenly extremely uncomfortable. All three students stared straight into the fireplace as if they were entranced with the same fiery visions as Lucy Pevensie of Narnia. "I've got homework," George mumbled as he scurried off to the boys' dormitory.
"Me too," squeaked Fred as he did the same.
Ginny seemed satisfied as she sat next to a rather fidgety Y/N. "I was only joking," she explained.
"We know that," Y/N said quietly. "But um...What is the four-legged foxtrot?"
The youngest Weasley burst out laughing. "You really don't know?"
"Well, how do you know?"
"Fred and George had their meeting fourth year too. Wouldn't stop making jokes about it. I guess they forgot about it until this year. Good luck, Y/N," Ginny said as she placed a hand on Y/N's shoulder before leaving.
"What do you mean good luck?!"
~
Unfortunately for Y/N, lady luck had taken a vacation the next day. Her first mistake was immediately forgetting about the meeting and diving into another one of her books. Her second mistake was not consulting with the rest of her friends about the fox-trot. Lastly, her third mistake was sitting next to a boy after shuffling into the hall their meeting would take place in.
To be fair, Harry and Y/N knew nothing about the meeting, and McGonagall had not bothered to separate the boys from the girls. So there Y/N sat, without a single thought in her head as she propped it up against her hand, blissfully unaware of the horrors to come.
"Students," McGonagall's commanding voice began once the Gryffindors were situated. "As some of you may know from your older siblings, this is a very much needed meeting on the importance of sexual education that we hold annually for all fourth years."
It was then that Y/N's stomach dropped violently, forcing the air out of the girl. She coughed harshly as if she were choking on the air, which caught the attention of almost every witch and wizard in the damn room. Harry patted her back sympathetically, but the damage had already been done.
"Is there something you want to say Miss L/N?" McGonagall inquired.
Y/N quickly shook her head no, signaling to the professor to continue the lesson. Though it could also have been Y/N's wide and fearful eyes that did most of the talking. Oh, how she wished to drop dead at that moment. Embarrassing.
Professor McGonagall then turned to the rest of the class. "Welcome to sexual education. First and foremost, as you all know, the student body is prohibited from partaking in the four-legged foxtrot."
It finally dawned on Y/N what the twins were teasing her about yesterday. Suddenly, the girl was feeling far warmer than when she had started the meeting. Hermione seemed to notice as she leaned over to whisper at Y/N.
"Are you feeling well?"
Y/N wished she could say she was on the very brink of death so that she could be shipped out of the meeting and sent to Madam Pomfrey's. It wasn't like she had very much to lose. After all, the girl had already been given the whole "birds and the bees" spiel by her dear Aunt Mildred back in the States. However, Y/N knew that Fred and George would never let her live down leaving such a meeting.
"No, I'm fine," Y/N whispered back.
Technically, the girl really did know about the birds and the bees because she wasn't some prudish child. But after her declaration last night, Y/N wasn't sure if she could show her face to the Weasley siblings ever again. At the very least, Ron and Harry looked absolutely dreadful- like they were being tortured. Maybe she could play off her scandalous proclamation by making fun of them instead.
"Miss Granger," McGonagall called, giving Y/N yet another heart attack. "What are some of the consequences of partaking in jiggery-pokery while at Hogwarts?"
Hermione, the ever-so-smart girl naturally answered without a hitch. "You could get pregnant, or an STD or you could be expelled from Hogwarts."
"Yes, potentially; infection, conception, detention, and potentially expulsion. With or without contraception, it is a no."
Y/N wasn't even planning on doing the devil's tango with anyone soon, but even those consequences seemed a bit extreme. Expulsion? Really?
"There are so many things that you can do to feel closer to your significant other without buttering the biscuit." Oh no, Y/N was really going to lose it now. Just how many euphemisms was Professor McGonagall going to come up with within the span of five minutes? The girl really did try her best to hide her growing smile, but it quickly became apparent to Hermione that Y/N was not taking any bit of this seriously anymore.
Hermione quickly slapped Y/N's shoulder to steal her attention. "This is important. You know you're acting just like the twins," the fluffy-haired girl warned.
"Buttering the biscuit. Are you even in the same meeting as me? Look Ron's even laughing."
Surely enough, the ginger boy was trying his hardest to contain his laughter from beside Harry. In fact, Ron's face turned quite a vibrant shade of red that could rival his hair color. Hermione smacked her palm against her forehead in complete disappointment. "Children."
"Next time you are together and you're feeling the carnal urge, why not go for a brisk walk around the grounds? Exert energy that way," McGonagall continued.
Y/N was at the edge of tears now as she tried to suppress a smile. Forget the cruciatus curse, this was true torture.
"Go to the library and compare homework notes. Explore each other's minds, not bodies. Go to Hogsmeade and share a butterbeer- as long as you have a permission slip." The professor finally seemed to stop. Maybe the meeting was over. "Now that the warnings are over," she paused, walking over to a chalkboard. "We will discuss your reproductive organs and their functions."
Y/N blood drained straight out of her face.
~
Fred and George had been waiting outside the hall with eager faces when Y/N finally finished her meeting. As soon as the girl made eye contact with the twins, she took a sharp right and started walking away. The girl didn't even care for where she was headed. She would absolutely not be talking to anyone today.
"You're not avoiding us are you?"
"What makes you think that?"
"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad," said Fred.
"It definitely was that bad and I hate you two and all men now," Y/N declared, shivering at the thought of men. "If I see another ball or circle of any sort, I will be throwing myself out of the astronomy tower. That is a promise."
It truly was a horrifying meeting. After Professor McGonagall's initial warning, she immediately set to drawing diagrams of reproductive organs. By the time the meeting had concluded, Harry and Y/N were sitting at least a meter apart and refused to look at each other. It was at times like this that the Gryffindor house wished McGonagall was a poor artist. Unfortunately, she was not, and her diagrams were a bit too detailed for everyone's liking.
"I think Professor McGonagall's pictures alone were enough to convince me never to engage in any of that...activity."
"You know what'll make everything better Fred?"
"What George?"
"Butterbeer," the former said.
Y/N stiffened up and turned around to throw a harsh glare at the twins. "I hate you so much right now. I'm going for a walk or something," she sighed.
"Feeling the carnal urge now are you?" Fred questioned loudly to the retreating Y/N.
"We can help you with that!" George shouted down the hall.
The girl's face immediately heated up and she zoomed away so quickly, she swore her legs would fall off. Merlin, how she hated their inappropriate jokes. After she finally turned the corner, she rested against the wall and hid her face in her hands. The girl wanted to scream so badly. Everything about the entire situation was just strange.
Y/N decided she'd hide in the library until she could muster up the courage to see another man ever again. After all, no one could bother her in her corner. Sadly, Y/N would not be granted her wish because the youngest Weasley appeared down the hall.
Y/N immediately knew from the evil twinkle in the ginger girl's eye that she would not be spared from any teasing. "Shut up Ginny," said the girl as she hurried down the opposite direction. Ginny and her stupid fast legs caught up easily with Y/N, and Y/N knew her fate was sealed.
"Fine just go on with it already," Y/N sighed, defeated.
"Go on about what?" Ginny asked innocently.
"You know."
"Know what?"
"Stop pretending you don't remember," Y/N grumbled with growing annoyance.
"Remember what?"
"That I said I knew all about the four-legged foxtrot!" Y/N finally yelled, letting out her frustration.
"Four-legged foxtrot?" A new voice questioned.
This was Y/N's worst nightmare. Cedric Diggory of all people just had to sneak up on her yelling the most vulgar thing she could even think of. The youngest Weasley looked between her friend and the school heartthrob and a menacing smile grew on her lips.
If Cedric wasn't here, Y/N would've strangled Ginny with her own scarf. "It's nothing," Y/N mumbled as she scurried away.
"Wait, are you alright?" The Hufflepuff questioned as he followed after the girl currently hiding her blushing face in her hands.
"Y/N, you better resist the carnal urge! You're only allowed a brisk walk!" Ginny called.
This was arguably the worst day of Y/N's entire life.