War changes people.
Those were the words Remus kept repeating to himself and to his lover, as the remaining pieces of their destroyed souls conclusively drifted away from each other. When Sirius heard him the first time, he felt the clocks in their house stop simultaneously, freezing time. He knew what was going to happen, and he had tried to fight against it, but it was clear to both of them. He didn’t dare to speak a word, he waited for the other to continue. And there they were, the same words once again.
War changes people.
“You’re talking nonsense.” he finally spoke, after a few sentences from Remus. “We can’t break up.” Sirius thought he was out of breath while those words left his lips in a whisper, as he tried to grasp onto something he knew wasn’t even there anymore. He didn’t even know if he truly wanted it to go on, or if he was just holding onto something he thought would save him, something he hoped was still alive. But even if he didn’t want to believe it, war changes people.
“Stop lying, Sirius. I know that’s how you feel, too.”
War changes the way two lovers' eyes shine when they meet each other, it changes the way their hands feel on the other’s fingers. Remus pressed his lips together in a desperate try to keep his tears from falling, holding back the knot hurting in his throat. “I know.”
War changes the way a loud cry is comforted by two warm arms and how a tender embrace can melt an ice-cold heart; how little pecks on the neck turn into making love in the middle of the night and how two tired bodies stay close to each other until the morning comes.
Their hands burned with the urge of grabbing the other, intertwining their fingers, holding for dear life the last straw of love present in that room.
War changes love.
“We can’t trust each other.” This time, the older was talking. “That’s what love is all about, isn’t it? Trust.”
War changes trust. That’s what had happened to them. A romance, a friendship, two innocent lives, all taken away too soon. War changes trust, alliances, friends. War changed Peter.
“I’m sorry.” Remus managed to whisper as his voice broke in a cry. Sirius was crying too, hit by the realization that a love without trust and happiness, without the people they once were, maybe truly wasn’t worth existing. No flowers could bloom from dead roots, and the last ones wouldn’t have survived the winter. Nothing could keep living from the ashes of death.
“I-I don’t- I can’t-“ Remus tried to talk, not caring anymore about trying to hold it together, or act strong in front of the other. It was Sirius. He knew the darkest, brightest, most intimate facets of him. Suddenly, he felt naked.
“I get it, Remus, but it’s not only about you!” Sirius raised his voice, tears wetting his cheeks and his shaky lips. “I’ve been through a war too! I've been accused of killing my two best friends, dammit! And no one was there to believe me! No one!” he shouted those words with his heart out, his lungs burning, begging for air. “In one single fucking night, I had lost everything, Remus! Everything!” Remus wanted to tell him once more that, deep down, he always had known he was innocent, but he stayed silent. After all, what did he actually do when months back Sirius was about to be sentenced for life to Azkaban? Nothing. And remorse kept reminding him every day. It was his punishment, and he deserved it. Even if Sirius would always tell him it was okay, they both knew it wasn’t. Both of them had broken each other’s trust, and even though they tried, they really did, nothing could seem to make things work once again, to restore everything back to how it was, to go back to normal. They couldn’t, because war changes everything. Slowly, Remus raised his eyes, fixing his gaze in Sirius’. The blue was brighter, back then. He couldn’t help but transform that thought into words. Sirius looked at him, then lowered his gaze, breathing slowly. “They shined. Now there's something covering them, much like a veil, you know?” he continued. “They've changed.”
Silence.
"We've both changed."
Only the sound of their breaths.
Remus sighted, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. “I'm gonna go stay with dad for a while.” he said, getting closer to Sirius. He didn't hold back, and gently wiped his tears away. He wanted to feel his soft cheeks against his fingers, one last time. “You can stay here.” he then added, and got into his bedroom. He came out moments later, with a small bag in his left, trembling hand. They looked at each other for a second, then the younger quickly got to the door. “See you, Pads.” he murmured, closing the door behind him.
Despite the pain and the tears, both of them knew, as Remus walked through the door, that that was the right thing to do. Because the truth is, war really does change everything. It changes eyes, gazes, hands, hugs. It changes romance, friendship, loyalty, love, trust, alliances. It changes lives and deaths.
War changes people.