“Lucius, may I speak with you?”
“Of course, my Lord.” Lucius quickly pulled back the chair next to him so the Dark Lord could sit down. He wasn’t sure why he had bothered pretending to ask permission, as everyone understood that if the Dark Lord wanted to speak to you, he was going to speak to you. Still, it was an honor for any Death Eater to be granted a one-on-one conversation with him. Lucius wondered if he was about to be entrusted with a crucial mission or officially made the Dark Lord’s second-in-command. (Not that the Dark Lord had ever spoke of having one, but if he did, it would obviously come down to him or Bellatrix.)
“How may I serve you?” he asked as the Dark Lord settled himself at the table.
“I need some…advice,” Voldemort said hesitantly.
“I would be happy to advise you, my Lord, and may I say I’m honored that you’ve come to me—”
“But understand that what I’m about to say to you is highly confidential. If you breathe a word of it to anyone else, I will kill you. And whoever you’ve told.”
“Of course, my Lord. I assure you, you can trust me completely.”
Lucius’s curiosity was building. What could the Dark Lord have to tell him that was so secret? Was he going to confess that he was a half-blood? Most of the Death Eaters were aware of this; they had all studied Pureblood bloodlines extensively and knew the Gaunt family were the only descendants of Salazar Slytherin, which meant the Dark Lord, being the heir of Slytherin, had to be a Gaunt. And they all knew the Gaunt line had died out, although old Marvolo’s daughter had been rumored to have had a scandalous affair with a Muggle. A Muggle named Riddle, which, as any of the older Death Eaters who had gone to Hogwarts with the Dark Lord knew, was the name he had been given at birth. It wasn’t too hard to figure out, but no one dared mention it. Lucius of course would have preferred if the Dark Lord was Pureblood, but he was still a descendant of an important Pureblood family and he was offering them all a path to great power and no one was foolish enough to throw that away just because one of his parents was a Muggle.
“It’s…it’s about…” The Dark Lord was fidgeting with his hands. He looked anxious, as though something was deeply troubling him. He took a deep breath and finished his sentence.
“It’s about Bellatrix.”
Lucius tried to hide his delight. He had no idea what his sister-in-law could have done to upset their master this much, but he was definitely going to enjoy rubbing it in her face. Trying to look politely concerned, he asked,
“What about Bellatrix? Surely she hasn’t betrayed you?”
Voldemort shook his head.
“No…she kissed me.”
“You did what?!” Narcissa shrieked.
“You heard me,” sighed Bellatrix, slumping into her armchair. “I kissed the Dark Lord.”
Panicking, Narcissa spluttered,
“But—wha—why—BELLA!”
Her sister groaned, burying her face in her hands.
“I know.”
“That was incredibly stupid!”
“I know.”
“He could have killed you!”
“I know.”
“You’re married!”
At that, Bella looked up.
“Don’t care.”
“What is wrong with you?!” Narcissa cried, frantically pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. “I mean, I know you’ve had a crush on the Dark Lord for ages—”
“It is not just a crush!”
“—but what would possess you to do such a thing?!”
Bella groaned.
“I don’t know. We’d just been on a mission and it went well. Then, when we got back here…we were both hungry, so we had some food and a few drinks...and we were talking…and then…we were sitting so close and…suddenly I just couldn’t hold myself back anymore.”
Narcissa stared, horrified.
“I know it was crazy!” Bella cried. “I pulled away almost immediately, but I couldn’t un-kiss him!”
“So what happened then? Did he torture you? How bad was it? Do you need to see a healer?”
Bella shook her head.
“I thought he would torture me; probably kill me. But he did something even more surprising.”
“What?”
‘He kissed me back.”
“She did what?” Lucius cried. He was no longer managing to conceal his delight, but he was too shocked to care. Of course he knew that Bellatrix was madly in love with the Dark Lord; everyone knew. But he never thought she’d be stupid enough to act on those feelings. There was no way the Dark Lord would let her get away with this; he was guaranteed to be the top Death Eater now. He hoped he wouldn’t be too hard on her, though, for Cissa’s sake.
“My Lord,” he continued sincerely, “I am shocked that Bellatrix would disrespect you like that. And I assure you, she will pay—”
Voldemort shook his head. Lucius felt a flutter of panic.
“Oh. Have...have you already…?”
He’d never been fond of Bellatrix, but she was family and he’d known her since Hogwarts. The idea that she was dead gave him an uneasy feeling, as if everything in the universe had shifted slightly.
Not to mention how terrifying it always was to be reminded of how easily the Dark Lord could turn on them all.
Seeing what he was thinking, Voldemort shook his head again, more vigorously.
“No! I haven’t killed her; I haven’t punished her at all. In fact, I…I do not particularly want to.”
Lucius blinked in confusion.
“What do you mean, my Lord? She…she invaded your personal space….” He trailed off, flinching at how ridiculous he sounded.
“Yes,” the Dark Lord agreed. “But I rather liked it.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Narcissa’s head was spinning. She wondered if her sister had finally gone completely insane. “I don’t understand.”
Bellatrix shrugged.
“Neither do I. Once I came to my senses, the first thing I said was ‘I’m sorry.’”
“And what happened then?”
“He said ‘Don’t be.’ And then he kissed me.”
“You’re joking.”
Bella shook her head.
“I would never joke about something like that.”
Narcissa studied her sister carefully. She knew Bella better than anyone and could always tell when she was lying, and now she seemed completely sincere. And although of course she was a bit unstable, Bellatrix had never been prone to delusions.
Cissy sank into the chair across from Bella as shock rippled through her. Apparently, the Dark Lord really had kissed her big sister.
She wasn’t so sure how she felt about that. On the one hand, she knew how desperately Bella wanted him; she had let Bella cry into her shoulder about his apparent inability to love countless times. Part of her was happy for Bellatrix. If her sister had been in love with anyone else, the news that they’d kissed would have been a cause for celebration. But this was the Dark Lord. He was dangerous. She didn’t want to lose another sister.
“So what happened after that?” she asked, not sure she wanted to know the answer.
“Nothing.”
Narcissa raised her eyebrows.
“Really, nothing! I mean, we sort of…went on kissing for a bit, but after a while he got up, said goodnight and left.”
“Huh. Who knew the Dark Lord was such a gentleman.” To be honest, Cissy had never really thought anything like this would happen, but if it did, she’d always figured the Dark Lord wouldn’t hesitate to take advantage of her sister.
“I don’t know about that,” Bellatrix grumbled. “If he was really a gentleman, we would have talked more before he left.”
“What did he say?”
“I told you. He said ‘goodnight’ and then he left.”
“That’s it?”
“He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he didn’t.”
“Oh…so what are you going to do now?”
“I’m sorry, what?” Lucius asked weakly.
“You heard me perfectly well,” the Dark Lord replied.
“Yes, my Lord, but…really?”
“I’m troubled by it, too, believe me. I’d always thought myself immune to such feelings.”
Lucius truly had no clue how to respond to this. Was it possible that Bellatrix’s insane crush on the Dark Lord was reciprocated? He couldn’t remember their master showing any sign of interest in such a relationship before, but then again he’d continued teaching Bellatrix dark magic for years after her standard training had ended and tended to gravitate towards her at parties. He’d thought it was simply because he appreciated her magical skill and devotion to him, but could it be something more?
No. Impossible.
“So, why exactly have you come to me for advice, my Lord?” he asked in as close to a normal tone of voice as he could manage.
“Well, this may come as a surprise to you, Lucius, but I’ve never actually kissed anyone before.”
“What? You, my Lord? No way!” Lucius tried not to sound sarcastic and failed.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Voldemort snapped, “but I’ll have you know I was quite handsome back in the day. I had a great many admirers, but I never cared for any of them. I certainly never let them touch me in such a manner.”
“But Bellatrix is…different?”
“I hadn’t planned on kissing her. We were just talking and then she suddenly went quiet and I tried to see what she was thinking, but she’s rather good at Occlumency. She started moving closer and by the time I realized what she was going to do, it was already happening. It was quite the shock, but when she stopped, I found I was…disappointed. I wanted more.”
Lucius nodded uncomfortably, unsure what to say.
“Whenever I saw others kissing, I’d always assumed the sensation would be revolting, and perhaps it would have been with anyone else. But with Bellatrix….” The Dark Lord trailed off, a look of wonder in his eyes.
“Yes, I get the idea,” Lucius replied, hoping he wasn’t going to be given any more details.
“Anyway, since you’re about the only Death Eater who’s happily married, I figured you would know what to do in this situation.”
Lucius blinked rapidly.
“My Lord, you’re…asking me for dating advice?”
“NO! Bellatrix and I aren’t dating—or are we?”
“No, you’re not dating just because you kissed once.”
“It was slightly more than once.”
“Well, you’re not dating unless you actually agree to date.”
“Oh, well, that didn’t happen.”
“What exactly did you say to her, after?”
“I said ‘Goodnight.’”
“Just ‘goodnight’?”
“Yes. I wasn’t really sure what else to say. I felt…strange. I needed to get away from her and think.”
“Okay. And what are you thinking?”
“A lot of things. But mostly—” He hesitated. “Before I continue, I’d like to reiterate that you are never to repeat any of this.”
“I understand, my Lord.”
Voldemort took a shaky breath.
“Honestly, Lucius…I’m afraid. Am I falling in love? I thought I was above such human weaknesses, but…the more I think about, the more I realize…I’ve been fascinated with Bellatrix since long before last night.”
“Love is complicated, my Lord,” Lucius said, not quite able to believe he was having this conversation. “Perhaps you’re simply attracted to Bellatrix.”
“Those aren’t the same thing?”
“No. They often go hand-in-hand, but not always,” Lucius said patiently.
“Well then, how am I supposed to know the difference?”
“That can take time.”
“How much time?”
“It’s different for everyone, my Lord.”
“How long did it take for you and Narcissa?”
“Not long. But we’d been close for awhile before we officially started seeing each other.”
Voldemort frowned.
“Bellatrix is one of my best Death Eaters. I rely on her not just as a warrior, but as an advisor. I…enjoy her company. What does that mean?”
“It could mean nothing more than exactly what you said, my Lord.”
“But how do I know? What am I supposed to do?”
Lucius sighed heavily. This conversation was going nowhere.
“Master, what do you want to do?”
“I have no idea what I’m going to do now,” Bella confessed. “I mean, in an ideal world, the Dark Lord and I would start dating and then we’d get married and conquer the world together, but….”
“What about Rodolphus?”
“What about him?”
“He’s your husband. Are you going to tell him what happened?”
“I’m not sure. On the one hand, I try to avoid talking to him at all costs. On the other hand, it would definitely upset him and that would be fun to watch.”
“I”m sure he will be heartbroken. But it’s better for him to know the truth. If Lucius were cheating on me, I’d want to know. Not that he ever would cheat on me.”
“Does it count as cheating if it’s an arranged marriage with someone you never loved?” Bella asked.
“Yes,” Cissy insisted. “No matter how you feel about him, you still made an agreement.”
“That’s easy for you to say. You actually love your husband.”
Narcissa sighed, feeling a rush of sympathy for her sister. It was true that she couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to be married to someone you didn’t love. She and Lucius were extremely lucky.
“Have you really never felt anything for Rodolphus?”
Bellatrix shook her head firmly.
“No. Only ever the Dark Lord. And now I might have just ruined my relationship with him forever.”
Cissy reached out and gave Bella’s hand a comforting squeeze.
“Not necessarily. He did kiss you back,” she pointed out.
“I know, but what if that was a spur-of-the-moment thing that he regretted as soon as he left?”
Bellatrix’s eyes welled with tears; she was clearly starting to panic now. Thinking of all the times her sister had dried her tears when they were children, Narcissa took a deep breath and prepared to return the favor.
“Cissy, what if he never talks to me again?! I couldn’t bear that; I think I’d rather he killed me!”
“Don’t say that,” Narcissa practically growled, squeezing her sister’s hand tighter. “He’s not going to kill you. I need you. He needs you. You’re the most powerful warrior he’s got.”
“Even more than Lucius?” Bella asked with a smirk.
“Yes. But don’t tell him I said that, I don’t want to bruise his ego.”
“I think his ego would survive.”
“Listen, I…I’m not going to pretend I know how the Dark Lord’s mind works, but you gave him a huge surprise last night. I think he needs some time to think about it.”
“So I’m just supposed to wait and see whether he decides to torture me or worse, ignore me?”
“Those are two possibilities, yes. But not the only ones. What if he does decide he’s…interested in you?”
“Do not do that Cissy! Don’t get my hopes up.”
“I’m not trying to get your hopes up. The opposite actually. What do you really think a relationship with him would be like?”
“Euphoric,” Bellatrix sighed dreamily.
“Bella, listen to your mind instead of your heart for once! You know how he is! You’ve seen how quickly he’ll turn on those who displease him—”
“I would never do anything to displease him!”
“Not intentionally, of course, but everyone makes mistakes sometimes, especially when they’re in love. Lucius and I have had our fights and we always work it out in the end, because we care about each other more than whatever we’d been fighting about. But the Dark Lord doesn’t care about anything other than power! Everyone says he’s not even capable of feeling love.”
“I don’t care.”
“Yes, you do! I’ve seen how you act around him and I’ve seen how much pain yearning for him has caused you. You love him, yes, but that’s not enough. You want to be loved back!”
Anger flashed in Bella’s eyes and for a moment Narcissa thought she might storm out of the room, but she just gave a long, sad sigh.
“Yes, I do,” Bellatrix admitted. “But I’m willing to settle for whatever he’ll give me.”
There was a long silence during which Voldemort twisted his fingers together, considering. Then he said,
“I think I’d like to kiss Bellatrix again.”
“Well, I have a feeling she would be more than okay with that.”
“It’s completely irrational for me to be thinking this way!” Voldemort complained.
“Perhaps, my Lord, but it’s normal.”
Although your taste in women is highly questionable, he thought, before remembering the Dark Lord was a Legilimens and quickly clearing his mind.
“That is precisely the problem,” Voldemort said, seemingly too deep in his own thoughts to have noticed Lucius’s. “I am not supposed to be normal. I am not supposed to be mortal. I am the most powerful wizard of all time. I am supposed to be MORE!”
“You are more,” Lucius said quickly. “The way you feel about Bellatrix doesn’t invalidate your power or any of what you’ve achieved. And she would never want to make you feel weak.”
“I know that! She’s the most loyal follower I have! But she is making me feel weak! Just thinking about her is bringing on all sorts of unfamiliar sensations!”
“Just because a feeling is new, doesn’t mean it’s bad, my Lord. After all, you’ve taught me many new things about Dark Magic. And it’s made me stronger.”
“I suppose that’s true. Although you still have ample room for improvement.”
Lucius frowned.
“Following my instincts has always served me well in the past,” the Dark Lord continued, talking more to himself now. “And if they’re pointing me toward Bella…. Well, Lucius, you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. I have one more question for you.”
“What is it, my Lord?” Lucius asked nervously.
“What exactly possessed Bellatrix to do that?”
“You mean…kiss you, my Lord?”
He nodded. Lucius furrowed his brow in confusion.
“I imagine she just couldn’t help herself.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Lucius blinked in surprise.
“You don’t…you don’t know, my Lord?”
“Don’t know what?!” Voldemort hissed.
Lucius could not believe what he was hearing. Bellatrix’s feelings were so obvious, how could the one that they were directed at not have noticed? Maybe he shouldn’t say anything. As much as his sister-in-law annoyed him, he didn’t want to put her in danger. Most of the time. But Voldemort was staring at him intently and it was too late to stop now.
“My Lord, Bellatrix is in love with you.”
“She’s WHAT?!”
“Surely you’ve noticed the way she looks at you?” Lucius asked helplessly.
“Well, yes, but I thought she was just in awe of me. Like everyone else.”
“She is. But there’s more to it.”
And no one else looks at you quite the way she does, he added privately.
Voldemort blinked rapidly.
“How do you know this? Did she tell you?”
“Not exactly, but it’s…fairly obvious.”
“How long has this been going on?”
Wishing he was somewhere else, Lucius replied,
“I’m not entirely sure, my Lord. A few years at least.”
A variety of expressions flickered across Voldemort’s face. It was obvious that this was entirely new territory for him.
“It’s not a bad thing,” Lucius said reassuringly. “It only increases her devotion to you and to our cause.” He hated to admit it, but it was true. All the other Death Eaters followed the Dark Lord because they were hoping for a scrap of his power, but Bellatrix followed him simply for who he was.
“Yes. Yes, I suppose so,” Voldemort muttered distractedly. “And I do appreciate her…. I don’t love her, though. I can’t,” he added fiercely, sounding like he was trying to convince himself. “But if she feels that way about me…that could be alright…but she has to understand—good day, Lucius,” he said coldly, then swept out of the room still murmuring about his inability to love. Lucius let out a deep sigh and slumped back in his chair.
“Dobby!” he called. “I need a drink!”
“Oh, Bella….” Narcissa sighed. “I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”
“I’m not,” her sister replied stubbornly. “Even if it hurts, I’m glad to love the Dark Lord. Proud to. There’s no one more deserving of my love.”
“I know,” Cissy acknowledged. All their lives, Bella had never shown interest in romance until she met the Dark Lord. She wished her sister could have found happiness with someone less volatile, but Bella had supported her when she married Lucius, even though they couldn’t stand each other, so she would stand by her now. “Just…be careful.”
Bellatrix laughed sharply.
“You should have told me that last night. It’s a little late now.”
“Well, be careful going forward.”
“Careful’s not really my style.”
“You might want to try it out,” Cissy sniffed. “I don’t want you getting in trouble. You’re my sister and I love you.”
Bella’s eyes softened a little.
“I love you too, Cissy,” she said. “But you don’t have to worry about me. Like you said, I’m the best Death Eater. The Dark Lord won’t kill me.”
Narcissa wished she could believe that and Bella didn’t sound entirely sure herself, but there was nothing else to be done. It was time to change the subject.
“So,” she forced a lighter tone into her voice, “is the Dark Lord a good kisser?”
A wide grin spread across Bellatrix’s face.
“Oh, yes,” she replied enthusiastically. “You have no idea!”
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
The next Death Eater meeting was rather awkward for both Bellatrix and Voldemort, although they were both careful not to do anything that would make this apparent to the others. After the Death Eaters had been dismissed, Voldemort called, in what he hoped was a casual tone,
“Bellatrix, might I speak to you for a moment?”
Narcissa and Lucius exchanged a knowing look. Rodolphus tried to pat Bellatrix on the should to congratulate her for having earned a private audience with the Dark Lord, but she grabbed his wrist and bent it backward until he whimpered and scuttled away. Heart fluttering madly, she approached Voldemort and they stood in silence while they waited for everyone else to clear the room. After the door had been shut, the silence continued for a few moments longer than necessary before the Dark Lord cleared his throat.
“Bellatrix, I believe we should discuss what transpired between us the other night.”
“Of course, my Lord.” Unsure of what direction this was going in, she tried to sound as respectful as possible.
“You haven’t…told anyone about it, have you?”
“No. Have you?”
“No.” Voldemort paused for a moment, then said, “We’re both lying aren’t we?”
“Yes,” Bellatrix admitted. “I told Cissy.”
“I told Lucius.”
They both laughed nervously.
“Why Lucius?” Bella asked. “Why not someone…competent?”
Voldemort looked embarrassed.
“Because Lucius and your sister always seem so happy together. I figured he was the best person to give me advice on…this sort of thing.”
Bellatrix turned red.
“’This sort of thing’?” she repeated.
“You know perfectly well what I mean. I’ve always appreciated your faithfulness, Bellatrix, but I will confess that, until recently, I was unaware of the exact nature of your feelings towards me.”
She looked down in shame, but he laid a finger under her chin and nudged her face upward. Each of their pulses increased at the touch.
“I cannot love, Bellatrix; I trust you know that,” Voldemort said softly, almost apologetically.
“I know, my Lord,” she whispered, fighting back tears. “And I’m sorry for having such weaknesses—”
“However,” he continued, “I believe I could grow…fond of you.”
She stared, hardly daring to hope he was saying what she thought he was saying. He turned away from her and began to pace as he spoke.
“You are—you have been for quite some time—more important to me than the average Death Eater. I admire your power. I value your opinions. I enjoy your company. And when you kissed me—” Now it was his turn to look down, embarrassed—“Well, I enjoyed that too. So perhaps we can come to an arrangement.”
He turned to face her again.
“You and I could spend more time together, outside of Death Eater business. And it wouldn’t always necessarily have to be…erm, professional.”
“My Lord, are you asking me out?” Bella asked slyly.
“No! Yes! In a sense.” Voldemort looked more uncomfortable than she could ever remember seeing him. “Given what I think of you and the way you feel about me, it could be…pleasant for both of us.”
“There is nothing that would make me happier,” she replied fervently.
“There would be conditions!” he said quickly. “For starters, no one can know. I can’t have people spreading rumors saying I’ve gone soft. You can’t tell anyone, not even Rodolphus. Especially not Rodolphus.”
“Of course! It’s not like I talk to him anyway.”
“And you must promise that you won’t let this interfere with your work as a Death Eater. You will still be expected to obey orders, the same as the rest of them.”
“I will! I enjoy following most of your orders anyway.”
“And you must understand, that no matter how close we become, I still cannot love you. And I never will. Do not expect me to.”
That one hurt quite a bit, but Bellatrix nodded. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t feel love. As long as she was with him, she could handle anything.
“I understand.”
Voldemort nodded.
“Very well. If you accept all my conditions—”
“I do!”
“—then I suppose we can do this.”
He formally extended a hand and Bellatrix shook it, loving the feel of their palms pressed together.
“So…does this mean I can kiss you again?” she asked, hoping she wasn’t being too bold.
“I would like that,” Voldemort confessed. “But not here. There’s too great a chance someone would walk in on us.”
“Okay,” she frowned. “How about a hug?”
Voldemort opened his mouth to point out that that wasn’t something the other Death Eaters should see them doing either, but something about the look in her eyes made him say,
“Alright then,” and stretch out his arms. She bounded forward and threw her own around his shoulders immediately. For a moment, the Dark Lord stood there, unsure how to respond to her tight embrace, then slowly, he lowered his own arms and curled them around her, hands resting on her back. Another moment, and then he squeezed, pulling her closer to him, gently at first, then harder, until they were both gripping each other with the same ferocity.
Voldemort felt his heart pounding. Bella was so warm and she was holding him so tightly and there was something wonderful about the way she smelled…without meaning to, he found himself burying his face in her hair.
Again, the strange new feelings that only she ever seemed to bring out stirred inside him, stronger than ever.
Attraction, he reassured himself. Nothing more.
Bellatrix’s heart was also pounding and bursting with joy. The Dark Lord was cold, but she didn’t mind at all. With her head against his shoulder, she could hear his heartbeat and she felt him all around her, thin but powerful. She found herself more in awe of him than ever. Inside she was screaming,
“I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!” but she kept it to herself, not wanting to scare him off. For now, this was enough.