Chapter 1
PoV Regulus
I watched as the many students on the Platform buzzed everywhere, like little bees. Most of the smaller ones, the new first years, were still with their parents, either crying, hugging or unsure what to do next, standing beside them looking panicked. That had never been me. I barely suppressed the bitter laugh that was about to surface. If I had ever behaved like this I would have been disowned instantly. The Blacks didn't behave that way. The doors of the train were crowded too, everything on this much to small platform was, as the older students all tried squeezing in to secure themselves a cabin. I spotted a few people I knew, though none of them were my friends. I was actually a little bit, only a little bit grateful my parents still didn't let go of me, since I wasn't eager to talk to all these people. "Regulus." Father said, pulling my attention back on my parents standing behind me. His hand hardened his grip on my shoulder, pressing his fingernails deep into my shoulder. The one he had sliced open yesterday night if I remembered correctly. At least the hot pain resonating from there told me so. "We went over this before, we will not allow any missteps from you this year. You will obey the Lords and our orders and will behave properly. You can imagine what will happen if I catch a word about you stepping out of line." He looked me with steel eyes, scanning my face for anything. "Yes father." I replied, my face void of any emotion, because fuck him, I have become good at Occlumency thanks to this summer holidays. "And I am sure you know that we can transfer you to Durmstrang anytime. Remember that well." Even the schools name made my chest tighten with panic. I didn't answer- to occupied with breathing properly. I didn't think he wanted an answer anyway. My eyes etched to my mother. It was odd that she was this quiet. Normally she did all the talking, adding yet another spiteful comment, as courtesy to her hot temper. I followed her eyes to a familiar figure. Ah. Him. His black hair had grown over the holidays.
Sirius apparently hadn't cut it since he ran away to the Potters this year. Meanwhile my hair was cut by mother, each time I came home. To not tarnish the Black reputation "Oh look at that bloodtraitor brother of yours wearing Muggle clothes! Look at them with those pathetic excuse of purebloods, laughing like he didn't betray his own blood. This sight is obscene!" He was indeed wearing muggle clothing. A black leather jacket and jeans.
"My dear, don't you worry about that child. He will get what he deserves." Father murmured, not even bothering to look in the direction. "Well, it is time to leave now, I do not have time for this madness." Mother exclaimed, still enraged. She raised her head higher, grabbing fathers arm. "Make us proud." She said with a last look in my direction before apparating.
The unspoken 'or else' still hung in the air. I let out a shaky breath. Safe, I was safe for now. My mental shields were still intact, quivering, but still standing. It was already surprising that they were this stable... considering that they had been fully destroyed last school year. But that was alright for now. I just needed to get through the train ride. My eyes went back to the spot Sirius had stood on. He wasn't there anymore. Probably for the better. I straightened and walked into the turmoil in front of me. I got on the train just fine, since most students were already inside. Which I realised now, was the worse problem. I was already dizzy from just being just near so many people on the crowded platform, but now I still had to squeeze through the narrow train, to find my friends cabin. But, well the train was full of people too. Idiot. I mentally chided myself. I could have just gotten on later. My breathing was fast, but at least I wasn't yet hyperventilating. I kept most of my energy on keeping the mental barrier up. A shoulder smashed against me. And boom, the shields were gone again. I clenched my fists, so hard the crescent shapes drew blood. I almost couldn't built the shields up again. Fuck, I was in trouble. A hand slapped on my shoulder. My breathing stopped. It felt like a fever dream, all the hands touching me in the warm train..
Snap the fuck out of it. It's just a train. I'm NOT that weak.
I forced myself to start breathing again first. I managed to let my feet take me to a spot with less people. Conveniently it was an open wardrobe. I hid my face between th coats, just to get a moment to pull myself together. I was in deep shit. How was I going to survive this school year at all? It slowly started to get less crowded and I could breathe normal once again. I looked forward to finally sleep in peace when I got to hogwarts. I was aware of the monstrous dark circles under my eyes, but they were really the only thing which looked unsettling from outwards. My face was unharmed and my hair was neat. The slashes and scars under my robes wouldn't be seen. Much less the mental torture. I decided that this was a great time to start walking again. After what felt like an eternity, I had almost made it to the end of the train. Finally, finally I spotted Evans white-blonde hair in one of the cabins. I felt a sliver of relief wash over me. It was the best I've felt since 8 months. All eyes moved onto be the second I opened the door. I could practically feel the tension in the air. "Reg." Barty said somewhat relieved but also confused. Well. I hadn't spoken or written to them for the last terrible, said 8 months. I hadn't been here at all. I almost laughed out bitterly. Them being so happy just to see me alive was just ironic. I did a quick look around before I sat next to Barty. Him, Evan, Dorcas and Pandora were all already there. The latter 3 sitting together on one bench. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Barty exploded. "What the fuck, Reg, where the fuck WERE YOU? You just- disappeared! We thought you were..." Dead. They knew, I knew, We all knew. "My parents transferred me. To Durmstrang." Pandora nodded silently, like she already knew. Which she probably did. "You- just, oh I don't even know what to say! You didn't write to us. Not one damn letter!" "They didn't allow it." I said, my face devoid of emotion. Even though inside, I felt like I was breaking. "You just... disappeared." I heard the hurt in his voice, and I saw it on Dorcas face. Evan looked at me too, but his expression was more worried than anything else. And Dora, she looked empty. Empty. "I came back home after the second school year." I told them. There was an uncomfortable silence between us, nobody having the guts to ask the obvious.
"How bad?" Barty asked finally. It wasn't even an 'are you alright', no he knew I wasn't. They all knew. I leaned back, not knowing what to say. "I can't- I don't want to talk about it yet." My voice was steadier than before, but still a bit raspy from the aftermath of the holidays. Evan and Barty exchanged a look. Pandora was quiet too, which was unusual. Maybe she knew already from her visions. "Reg?" Dorcas asked me quietly. "Yeah?" "you know, if you need anything-" "I know." I cut her off. It was nice of her but I really didn't have the mental capacity right now. There was the silence again. "I'll sleep a bit so wake me when we're at the castle." I stack my legs onto Barty and slipped into sleep almost immediately. That tends to happen to those who don't sleep for 5 days. ---
"Hey, Reg. Wake up." I heard Barty say. I was glad he didn't try touching me, though he had learned his lesson on that already, in the 1st year. "Yeah. I'm up." I brushed my hand through my hair, so that I didn't look weird. I almost groaned, thanks to the worst headache in my life. Everything was still hurting, but my mind shields were doing better. I could breathe more freely and although it hurt, my head felt clearer. I decidedly ignored the anxiety still gnawing at me, to not have a panic attack directly in the cabin. The girls were talking about how the Gryffindor boys had gotten significantly hotter this year. Evan was nowhere to find. "So uh.. you wanna talk?" Barty asks. He was behaving weird. Almost as if I was a glass statue, careful as to not break me. "Barty apart from what happened in the holidays I'm still myself so stop acting so fucking stiff." I exclaimed in annoyance. Despite my harsh words his face relaxed. "Sorry. It's just.. i don't know. I'm scared for you." "That's nice but not now. Just talk about anything but that." "Yeah right. I'm so looking forward to kicking Snape's ass this year. I've been so restless the whole break. I even wrote a whole notebook full of ideas on how to torment him and that mother fucker Mulciber." Barty told me very motivated. "That's nice."
"Ah right. My father mentioned something over the holidays. Was supposed to be confidential but I overheard. He said that they had secured a spy in the Dark Lords followers." I turned to him, my eyebrows raised. (Which sadly hurt my head even more) "That's interesting. Care to elaborate?" He shrugged. "I don't know the name but he said they're young. Not in the inner circle and still in hogwarts." "Okay. Tell that to the Dark Lord in the next meeting, he'll give you brownie points." "Huh? Whose getting brownies?" Evan who'd just came in asked. I rolled my eyes. "No one. Brownie's are disgusting. Barty's just got good information for the Dark Lord so he'll probably get praise." Evan's mouth had fallen open.
"If I ever hear you say that Brownies are disgusting I will throw you out a window." He said in a lethal voice. I stared at him. "But-" I started, interrupted by Barty. "No, shut the fuck up, you have nothing to say against brownies." "Ha! Two against one that is so unfair. And you're defending _brownies_! Which are literally the most-" And so I was interrupted AGAIN. "Don't finish that sentence!" Evan cried, his face full of maliciousness. "GUYS. We're there." Dorcas said, punching Evan in the shoulder. "I won't forget that." Evan spat out. "Huh." Barty exclaimed. "Really? That's the best you can do?" I asked him. "Oh don't you start again. I am totally on Evan's side." I mouthed 'traitor' over my shoulder as I moved to leave the cabin. About half an hour later we were sitting in the Great Hall waiting for the Sorting to start so that we could finally eat.
I was relatively pleased to have successfully avoided my brother and Snape on the way to the castle. While Dumbledore gave his uninspiring and dull speech, I quietly spoke with Pandora. "I saw you in a vision." she told me, her face clouded in worry. She'd managed to hide it good in the train. "How much did you see?" "Not much. But... Reg I don't know what to say. That was... awful. I know you're not okay but I don't know how to make it better, even help you. So please. If you need anything, really anything, I hope you know you can come to us. No one should go through that alone. No one should go through that at all. I am so sorry Reg." Her eyes looked glittery in the lights of the chandeliers. "I'm alright now, don't cry." I didn't try to smile, she'd know it wasn't genuine. "You're not. Don't lie to me. You're not and that's fine Reg. It's okay to be not okay. Just.. don't be alone." "Okay." My throat was dry, and I felt strangely heavy with darkness. It weighed at me like tons of black shadows. I hurt. I did hurt. From the inside, from the outside, I was breaking. I blinked my eyes, trying to blink the darkness away like tears. My breathing was uneven, the darkness consuming my room to breathe. "Reg. Talk to me." Dora's voice, which was always as clear as pearls got me out of my half-assed panic attack. I didn't look her into the eyes. "It hurts. Everything hurts. I don't know how long I can take it anymore." My voice barely a whisper. I closed my eyes out of embarrassment. I would've never spoken these words if I was in the right state of mind. "I know. But you'll be okay. You're not alone." Her voice was the only anchor I had right now. I was not having a panic attack in the fucking Great Hall I told myself. "I'm sorry." "Don't apologise, please don't." Even though I wasn't looking at her I could practically see the sad expression of her eyes. I was slowly breathing normally again, thanks to purely mind power.
My shields were rebuilding themselves. I guess the Legilimens and Occlumency training really did pay off. As soon as the shields were intact again, I buried my emotions and every one of my memories of the holidays behind them. That was close. I couldn't lose control of my shields again. I didn't even notice that they crumpled before I was half-way on the path of destruction. I mentally face-palmed myself. I noticed Dora staring. "You know that's bad. You can't hide all of it behind your shields. It'll destroy you!" she hissed. I smiled at her, not feeling quite mentally stable right now. "Well not sure if you noticed I'm already destroyed." She was spared a response with the appearance of food on the table, since the sorting was finished. As I reached for water I met Barty's piercing eyes. Apparently my conversation (and probably incident) with Dora hadn't been as private as I thought. I felt sick at the thought of someone like Snape overhearing. I looked around but I couldn't find him luckily.
"You should eat." Barty told me. "Not a good idea." he raised his eyebrows. "Well, you see, I've discovered that within 24 hours of the cruciatus-" I stopped when Dorcas looked at me horrified. I laughed bitterly. "You didn't actually think I got out of there with just a few beatings and dear mummy cursing me out, did you?" "Reg. Not here." Barty said quietly. It was a bad sign when Barty got quiet. So I decided to comply. I didn't participate in any of the superficial conversation afterwards, mainly because I was focusing on my mental shields to not let them crumple again after that little outbreak.
"You wanna leave? Some students are already leaving, we won't be conspicuous." Barty said to me. I did want to leave but I knew, the second we were in the dorms I had to tell him. "Yeah let's leave." I decided since it had to be done anyway. I said goodnight to the others and we left for the dorms. "Which one do you want?" Barty asked me, gesturing between the three identical beds. "I'll take that one." The one farthest right. "I'll go in the middle then." "Can you tell me?" It was surprising for Barty to use the word 'can'. I didn't even know that it was in his vocabulary. "I don't know. Some parts..." I trailed off. He nodded. "Tell me." That sounded more like him. I took a deep breath before I started.