Choosing Forever
The second the sound of the heavy hospital wing door shutting reverberated through the nearly deserted space, Draco’s eyes fluttered open, and the sharp silver of his eyes might’ve been my favorite sight I’d ever seen. I had to grip the arms of the chair I was sitting in to stop myself from throwing myself onto him.
“Do you always talk so highly of me when I can’t hear you?” Draco’s voice was a throaty croak, the sound so scratchy and raw that I could almost feel the rough grate of it in my own throat.
Hot tears pricked at my eyes for what was at least the tenth time that hour, and I let out a wet laugh, sniffing and not even bothering to hide the trails of moisture that slid down my face. “You heard that? How long have you been awake?” I asked, but I couldn’t find it in myself to be angry. Not when seeing Draco’s open eyes eased so much anxiety in my chest that I finally felt I could breathe again.
His skin was too pale still, and the heavy bags under his eyes were as dark as bruises, even though he’d been asleep for days. The scrape of his voice must’ve hurt enough to make him wince, but he didn’t show it. But he was awake, and he was okay enough to make jokes. The amount of sheer relief that washed over me felt as warm and wonderful as stepping into a hot shower after being out in the cold winter snow all day.
“Since Granger and the Weasel left. They had no bedside manner, you know. Who lets a door just swing shut in a hospital wing?” Nothing in the entire world was better than that faint hint of humor that lined Draco’s voice, I decided. In the few days we’d been apart, even though I’d been asleep for much of it, I hadn’t realized that I’d missed that sound quite so much. “I won’t lie, Potter’s apology wasn’t bad. What he did to you this year still makes me so angry I want to break his nose again, but...not a bad apology.”
“It was a good one, wasn’t it?” The healing of Harry and I’s relationship had soothed a wound that I hadn’t let myself acknowledge had still been festering. “He said some nice things about you, too, though I’m sure you didn’t miss those parts.”
Draco twisted toward me, or tried to, but the movement pulled on the gauze wrapped around his body, making him cry out through gritted teeth as the burnt skin spanning most of his side was jostled. He stilled immediately, but I could tell from his clenched jaw and shallow, quick breaths that the pain was still persisting. I whipped my head around, searching for Madam Pomfrey, but Draco stopped me with a gentle, cold hand on mine.
“I’m fine,” Draco grunted. The bravado of bearing the pain might have impressed me if it hadn’t been accompanied by the agony that had pinched his face. That was still drawing his straight nose into a scrunch as he did his best to breathe through the flare of hurt that he’d caused himself by moving too much.
“Liar,” I argued, but much like Draco, the sharpness of my voice was dulled by the worry that had seized my chest when Draco had let out such a pained, terrible noise.
A few seconds passed before Draco could respond again. “It’s fine. Stupid of me to forget half of me is more burns than skin.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to get Madam Pomfrey?” I asked, worried that the movement might've somehow disrupted the healing that had taken place so far.
Draco nodded. “Yes. I...if you’ll allow me to be selfish for a moment, I’d like to keep you to myself for just a bit longer. It’s been-it’s been days since we’ve been able to talk.”
A shard of pain punctured my heart because of the sorrow so audible in Draco’s words. “You can be selfish all you want,” I assured him, another tearful chuckle bubbling up in my chest. “I’d say you’ve earned it.” Ah, and there was the anger. The terror of seeing him so pale and injured, the horrid smell of burning flesh washed over me again. “What the hell were you thinking, by the way? You could’ve fucking died , you bloody idiot!” I knew I wasn’t really angry at Draco, that I was just scared and tired and my body had been through so much that my emotions seemed more like a tangled ball of yarn.
Silvery gray eyes met my own, and the understanding in them made me nearly start to cry once again. “I’m sorry,” Draco told me truthfully, somberly. “I was-”
“Was what? Trying to get yourself fucking killed ? Before I even-” Emotion choked me, my throat so thick I couldn’t speak because I was sure I’d just burst into sobs. “What the hell were you thinking?”
Draco’s eyes clouded, and I saw the answer in his face before he even opened his mouth. “I saw that Snape was about to take a cheap shot at McGonagall, and everyone else had already left. It was either watch her die and leave like a coward or make sure that she made it back. If you ever tell anyone I said this...well, I guess it doesn’t matter.” Draco let out a huff of air through his nose. “I figured it was better she returned alive than me. Hogwarts needs her, and so do the students.”
“And no one needs you?” It wasn’t as though I was upset that McGonagall was still alive; quite the opposite. Draco was right, the school did need her, as much- if not more- than it needed Dumbledore. But Draco saying he saved her because she was more needed than he was? I could barely fight through the hot burn of sadness that choked my throat. “People need you.”
“Do they? I know what people think of me. I would be stupid to expect that anyone is going to just welcome me with open arms after everything that I’ve done. I figured if I was going to die, I might as well make my death mean something good, since my life didn’t mean anything at all.”
My heart splintered, scattering shards of pain across my chest. There was no self-pity in his words, no cry for attention. Like always, Draco was laying out the facts, or at least the things that seemed like facts to him. They weren’t facts, though. His life did mean something, and not just to me. Without Draco, Ron, McGonagall, and I would all be dead, but even if he hadn’t saved us, his life meant something simply because he was alive. “And so you saved McGonagall because you thought that your life is only worth something if you sacrificed it.”
Draco’s face hardened, turning back into the Malfoy that I’d known for years for a split second. “Why are you saying it like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like I was stupid for thinking so. Ask anyone, Elaine, and they’ll agree with me. I have done…” Draco’s voice cracked. I’d forgotten just how painful that sound was, how unsettling it was to see him show such rawness. “I’ve done things that I don’t deserve forgiveness for. And I certainly do not deserve forgiveness from you. I haven’t done a single thing to warrant that, and you know that. I haven’t-”
“Shut up,” I interrupted, unable to keep the anger from ripping through. “Just shut up, will you? You don’t get to decide if I forgive you or not. And do you know why I’ve forgiven you?” Draco set his jaw, shaking his head so minutely I almost missed it. He would never ask, but he wanted to hear why, and I was more than willing to tell him. “Because you’ve changed. Because you used to shudder at the very thought of touching me, and now, you don’t even give it a second thought.” I held up our intertwined hands, presenting the proof that was right before his eyes. “You used to sneer at me, and now you...you’ve been there for me more than anyone else this year, even if it wasn’t on purpose. You did bad things, yes, but you feel sorry for them, and that, to me, proves that you are different. I’ve seen you change and grow over the past months in a way that I would never have thought possible, so yes, I forgive you. And you deserve that forgiveness.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but Potter was right,” Draco said, his eyes anywhere but mine. I knew that looking somewhere else made it easier to say hard things, but that didn’t mean that I wanted to see those stormy eyes of his looking at me. “You’re too good, you know? Forgiving people who don’t deserve it, still being kind and good even though you have every right not to be.”
“I’m not too good,” I argued. “I’m anything but that. Why is it so unbelievable that I forgive you? Or that I forgave Harry? You both seem to forget that I know you, both of you, in ways that not many other people do. If anything, that only makes it easier for me to move on from the past. We haven’t always been on good terms, which is such a light way of putting it, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen a different side of you this year. I’d argue that I’ve seen more of you this year than anyone has. You let me in, Draco. How could I not see you for who you really are, at the very core of your being?”
Draco scoffed quietly, a sound that was not angry, but dismissive, as if he didn’t believe what he was hearing. “And who would that be? Because all anyone else sees is someone bad, like my father.”
“You know, you aren’t your father,” I told him sternly. “You are so wildly different from that cowardly bastard, and you know that. I know you know that. If you weren’t different, you wouldn’t have given me my wand back. You wouldn’t have gone along with my lie to Voldemort. You wouldn’t have saved McGonagall.”
“How do you know I didn’t do those things just to help myself?” Draco shot back, his voice rising a bit.
I stopped myself from rolling my eyes, because that sentiment was utterly ridiculous, but I knew that Draco just needed someone to counter those fears, to tell him he hadn’t done them out of selfishness, but out of being good . “Because those things didn’t help you, you bloody idiot. If someone had found out you did all of that, especially for someone like me, it would’ve branded you as a traitor, and you would’ve been lucky if they didn’t kill you. You did those things because it was the right thing to do, and you know it. You aren’t bad, Draco. You’ve done bad things, but that doesn’t make you a bad person, because you did not do those things willingly, not the truly bad things. No one is perfect. I’ve been...I’ve been horrible this year to some people, but am I a bad person?”
“No,” Draco answered sharply.
“Neither are you,” I pointed out. “Bad people do bad things willingly, and have no remorse for them. Good people do bad things and they always find a way to fix it as well as they can. So don’t you dare , Draco Malfoy, try and convince me you’re bad. If it weren’t for you, Ron and McGonagall wouldn’t be here. If it weren’t for you,” flashes of pain, of being in a dark cloud of sadness and sorrow so heavy it had seemed to suffocate me danced through my memories, “I wouldn’t have pushed through my father kicking me out.”
I hadn’t told anyone that, or even really confronted it myself, but it was true. Finding some reason to continue on after such a terrible return home had seemed futile at best, until I’d been able to lose myself in that strange dance of attraction and antagonization Draco and I had done for so long. “Whatever this is, it gave me a distraction back then. It helped me forget about...about everything. And don’t forget, when you and Harry dueled in that bathroom, you literally saved my life. You also saved my life when that cursed bludger was out to get me, and you didn’t even like me back then. You wouldn’t even be within five feet of me if you could help it.
“You’ve done all this good to me, for me, in such a short time, and you still have the audacity to call yourself bad?” I shook my head. “You’re fucking daft.”
“That bludger was ages ago. How do you still remember that?” Draco asked.
I looked around the hospital wing, my eyes landing on the bed I’d woken up on during that particular visit. “How could I not? I remember being so fucking confused that you’d saved me that I honestly thought I’d died or hit my head hard enough that I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly either, you know. I didn’t plan...I mean, I saw the bludger flying towards you, and my first instinct was to push you out of the way,” Draco confessed. “Afterwards, I was so confused why I’d done it. I loathed you. Why would I care if you got hit by a bludger?” Draco shut his eyes, breathing out tightly. “And then I was stupid enough to send you fucking chocolates like a-”
“You sent those?” I’d entirely forgotten I’d never found out who those were from. I’d just assumed they had been from Harry, because we’d started dating just a short time after that.
Draco snorted gently. “Yeah. I actually was coming up to get them when I ran into you in the hallway. I was hoping you would be sleeping, but. You weren’t.”
A fluttery feeling erupted in my stomach, a wild relief compared to the waves of anxiety and fear and nausea I’d been feeling nonstop for what felt like days on end. “Just another example that proves my point. Even back then, when we weren’t,” What were we? “Anything, you still saved me for no other reason than I was in danger and you were there.”
Closing his eyes, Draco was silent for a moment. It seemed as though he’d fallen asleep, so I tried to ease my hand out of his, needing to get up and stretch my legs. His fingers tightened around mine, though, and I sat back down. With his eyes still shut, in such a quiet, broken voice that I felt as though someone was carving a hole in my chest, Draco asked, “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why are you so set on proving to me that I’m a good person? Why do you care so much?”
His question seemed to barrel into me, making that hole in my chest cave open even wider, the sorrow there so heavy it seemed as though it could actually weigh me down. “Because,” I responded, lowering my voice into a tone someone might use with a wounded animal, soft and gentle and slow. “You deserve to have someone do that for you. You deserve to be shown that you are redeemable, that you are worthy of care and love simply because you exist. And I want...I want to be that person for you. If you’ll let me.”
Draco’s eyes opened at that, and I was shocked to see a tear leak out of the corner of his eye, dropping down his face and onto the white pillow he was laying on. Turning his head as much as he could, Draco looked at me, making my heart jump. “It’s not going to be easy. This isn’t...so many people will be angry at you. And I am not...I’m not good, not like you are.”
“I don’t care,” I answered instantly, because truly, I did not have to think about it, not even for a moment. “I don’t care what others think. They haven’t gone through what we have. You think I think this would be easy? What about our- us has been easy this year? Or ever? I don’t want easy. I want you.”
Draco studied me, as if searching for some tell that I was lying. I wasn’t, though, and there were very few things in my life that I had ever been more sure about. “It isn’t hard, though. Loving you. Loving you is easy. It’s easier than I ever thought it could be, and I think that’s why I struggled with it so much. Why I fought against it for so long. It should’ve been hard, all things considered. But loving you…” I smiled a small smile, one that couldn’t quite convey the affection and love and want that I felt. “Loving you feels like something that has been there all along. I can’t imagine not feeling this way, now that I do. I think it would be harder to try and not love you.”
“I want that,” Draco told me, and those three words seemed to pave over the hole in my chest so quickly that it felt like it had never been there at all. “More than I even know how to say. But I’ve got so much, so many things that-”
“So do I.” We were both messes; that wasn’t a secret. It wasn’t like I didn’t know at least some of what Draco was going to have to get over and heal from. “We’ve both got things that are going to be really, really hard to heal from. But I’d rather do it with you. It’ll make it easier, I think. To do it together.”
The smile that Draco wore made it nearly impossible for me to resist leaning down and kissing him, but I did. I still wasn’t sure where we were at with that portion of everything, and he was still healing.
“Elaine,” Draco said tentatively, and a shiver ran up my spine as the delicious sound of my name from his lips wrapped around me. “Before Bellatrix interrupted us, you said something to me.”
My heart jumped, picking up speed, knowing exactly what he was referring to. How could I forget? “I did. I meant it, if that’s what you were going to ask. I don’t think I’ve ever meant anything more.”
Relief relaxed the anxious tension that had hardened Draco’s face, and he sighed. Actually sighed, as though he’d just heard the best news of his life. “Thank fuck,” he replied, a slight laugh in his voice. “I was worried that you were going to change your mind. After, you know.”
“After being held captive in your house and being tortured? Surely, you don’t think I could be so easily persuaded,” I joked, because that was the only way I could talk about what had happened at his house without breaking down. “Draco, nothing , could change the way I feel about you. Believe me, I tried for so long before...before I realized I could have you.”
“You have me, Elaine. Heart and soul. All I could think about while we were at the Manor was the fact that I might’ve wasted my only chance to tell you how I truly felt. Because I love you, Elaine, more entirely than I’ve ever loved anything. You fit, right in here,” Draco lifted a hand, patting his chest once, “like a puzzle piece. Like you were always meant to be there. I love you, Elaine, every single bit of you. The good parts, and the parts that make you wish you were someone else entirely. And I am so fucking glad that you are not someone else, because I didn’t realize that it always felt like something was missing until I met you.
“It’s like this pull, in my stomach, and it’s impossible to ignore. And I tried, just like you did. But I don’t want that anymore. Before you say anything,” Draco looked at me, his grey eyes unsure, “I know that I haven’t treated you well. I’ve not treated you the way you deserve, and the amount of- of regret I feel for that will never-” he paused, holding back a choked cry, “but if you’ll let me, I swear with everything I fuckng have that I will show you what you deserve. I have so much to make up for, but I care the most about making it up to you. I know you’ve forgiven me, and that is something that I will never, ever take for granted. But I want to prove to you that I deserve your forgiveness, and that being with me is not a mistake. I have hurt you, I’ve pushed you away, and you still-you keep coming back.”
Draco pushed himself up so that he was sitting, groaning and grunting with the pain and effort. Before I could tell him to lay back down, he shook his head. “No. No . I need- I need to be able to see you fully, so you know that I am telling you the truth.” I wanted to protest, wanted to make him lay down and soothe the lines of agony so clear on his face, but I let him speak. “Elaine, I have never met someone that made life feel worth it. I have never met someone that sees past everything I throw at them. I would understand entirely if you never want to be with me, even though that thought nearly kills me every time I think it, because the things I’ve said and done to you are inexcusable, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it. But please, if you- if you think you can bear being with me, I promise I’ll make it worth it. You have shown me what love is meant to be, and I can’t give that up. I can’t give you up. Life before you was dull and gray and hardly worth experiencing, but with you, it is loud and wonderful and insane and I never want anything but that. I didn’t even think that I was capable of falling in love. I didn’t even think I was capable of receiving love like the kind you have given me. Things have been a bloody nightmare, but you have been the only bright spot out of all the darkness.
“I hardly know who I am, not really, because so much of my life has been dictated for me, but the person I am with you, the person you make me want to be, I like that person. You are the one kindness life has given me, and I don’t know why I kept pushing you away, why I kept treating you so terribly. Chalk it up to...to being stupid and horrible. But it will never be like that again. The only thing that has gotten me through this year is you, and I would never forgive myself if I ruined this. I don’t want to be unsure and to second guess and to not be with you. I want to be with you, Elaine, for as long as you’ll possibly have me.”
The tears flowed freely once more, so much love welling up within me that I could barely breathe. I couldn’t hold myself back anymore; I surged forward, connecting our mouths with such fervent need that it nearly knocked Draco over backwards. The hot, soft press of his lips against mine was enough to make the tears start all over again, and I felt my body tremble as Draco’s hands came up to cup my face so gently it was like he thought I was going to break.
Kissing him again felt good, but it wasn’t just that that had my blood racing in my veins, had my heart fluttering in my chest. Being close with Draco soothed every worry that I had, destroyed every pain I felt, because when I was touching him, that was all I could think about. I could only think about the brush of his thumb against my cheek, the tears from both our eyes combining, the way that kissing him felt more right than anything had ever felt.
Pulling back just enough to rest my forehead against his, I whispered, almost reverently, “Forever,” I said. “I want you forever.”
~
My stomach growled so loudly that I stilled for a moment, praying it hadn’t disturbed Draco, who’d only fallen asleep a few minutes prior. Easing my hand out of his, I stood up, my legs groaning with the effort, and I quietly made my way out of the hospital wing in search of some food. Madam Pomfrey had let me go, but only after warning me that I had to be quick and that I should just go straight down to the kitchen, because the light and sound in the Great Hall wouldn’t do well for my head.
I carefully walked down to the kitchen, every sound hitting my head like a pick. I hadn’t realized how dim Madam Pomfrey kept the infirmary until I was met with the bright, flickering torchlight that lined the corridors. It danced across my vision, only furthering my newly budding headache. Already, I was missing the dark quiet of the hospital wing, but I was so hungry and so in need of a walk that I was willing to bear the trek down to the kitchen. Madam Pomfrey had given me a few meals, but they’d all been a bit bland, so that it wouldn’t upset my stomach. I was craving something warm and rich that would actually fill me up, not just satiate the hunger that was gnawing at me.
Besides, I hadn’t vomited in a good twelve hours or so, so I didn’t know what Madam Pomfrey was so worried about.
The house elves in the kitchen were kind enough to make me a meal, even though they were already busy preparing dinner, and I thanked them copiously as they handed me enough for two people to eat their fill and still have some left over. Exiting the kitchen, I saw Professor Slughorn waddling down the hall, his robes trailing behind him as he hummed softly to himself. When he spotted me, his brows raised in surprise.
“Ms. Adler! How nice to see you up and about,” he greeted jovially. “I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that I have heard all about the unfortunate events that took place over the past few days. You’ll find, I’m sure, that once you return to your normal schedule, that many students have heard about it as well.”
I winced. “Right. I was afraid of that.”
“Not to worry, my dear. You are a hero, from what I’ve heard. I would expect many students feel that way.”
A hero? I had done nothing heroic besides not giving up information about Harry, and even then, that could barely be counted as anything brave. “I’m certainly not a hero, professor. Just was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“On the contrary,” Slughorn argued. “I happen to know a number of rather brave things you did, the least of which was helping Dumbledore discover that Snape is in fact not to be trusted. And facing He Who Must Not Be Named and living to tell the tale...not many people can claim similarly.”
“That doesn’t make me a hero, sir. I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but honestly, I was just hoping to buy myself some time. Or at least buy others some time.”
Slughorn studied me, his brows knitted together. “I am sorry, Ms. Adler, for what you were put through. No one, and I mean no one, should ever experience what you did. You are very, very brave indeed. But I know that bravery was not your focus, was it?”
“No, sir,” I admitted. It felt horrible to say so, but all I’d been trying to do was make it out alive. “I was just…” Saying the words out loud was too hard so soon.
“And I am glad you did. As are many others. I have been watching you this year, you know. You have been an exceptional student of mine, though that is no secret. While I am incredibly impressed with your performance in my class, if you’ll allow me to say so, I am more impressed with the person you have become this year. I recognize that I do not know everything that has happened to you, but it is easy to see that you are not the same Elaine Adler that I met at the beginning of this year.”
I sniffed, determined not to cry yet again. I was starting to think that I was never going to stop wanting to cry at this rate. “Thank you, Professor,” I said, surprised. “That is...thank you.” Putting into words just how much it meant to me to hear that was impossible, but I hoped that Slughorn knew all the same.
Slughorn smiled at me, that same one he’d given me the night that Cho and I had fought so terribly and he had found me crying in the corridor. “You are a remarkable young lady, Ms. Adler. Remarkable, indeed.” Slughorn seemed to be done, so I went to leave, but he spoke again. “My apologies. One more thing, and I shall let you eat and rest. There are few people in this world capable of reaching out to those that need it most, and even fewer that are able to absolve those people of any untoward behavior they might have had. I do hope I am not overstepping, but as Draco is part of my House, I hope you will indulge me in thanking you.”
“Thanking me? What for?”
“For reaching out your hand, Ms. Adler, to someone who needed it more than anyone I’ve ever met.” Slughorn looked down at his feet, his features ridden with guilt. “I was in a similar position once, and instead of helping, I chose to ignore it. That decision will stay with me until the end of my days. I know that Mr. Malfoy has not been the kindest to you, or to many others, but I am beyond grateful that you saw how desperately he needed someone. Mr. Malfoy is an incredibly talented wizard with an incredibly bright future, and I was sure that that future wasn’t going to happen for him. You, my dear, have done more for him than you know.” He nodded once, with a sort of finality that seemed to bring a close to things. “My apologies for keeping you so long. I hope you feel much better soon, Ms. Adler.”
“Thank you, Professor. Draco has done just as much for me,” I said.
The sparkle in Slughorn’s eye told me that he was aware of that. “Yes, and that is why I hope the two of you hold onto each other, no matter what comes your way. It is very rare to find someone so well-suited for yourself.”
Slughorn continued on, and so did I, ready to sit down and eat a warm meal for the first time in too many days. His words ran through my head like a creek over pebbles, igniting something warm, something comforting in me. Perhaps it was rather egotistical of me, but it made me so incredibly happy to know that I had made some sort of difference in Draco’s life, just like he had made in mine.
Slughorn telling me to hold onto Draco as if I ever intended on letting go, especially after all we’d been through, was rather funny. At this point, if everything that had happened hadn’t already discouraged me from him, I was sure that nothing would.
And I didn’t want anything to. Thinking about everything that had happened between us this year, even the horrible, painful, terrifying things, only made me more sure that fighting for Draco, fighting to convince him and everyone else that he was good and deserved a second chance, was well worth any amount of time that it would take.
I had felt love in my life, love that was gentle and kind and fleeting. Draco had shown me an entirely different kind of love. A kind of love that was hot, that hurt , that fit so well in me it scared me. A sort of love that wasn’t necessarily unconditional, at least not at first, but the sort of love that worked with the horrors I’d been through, not around them. There was a relief more incredible than anything I had ever felt knowing that my past did not matter to Draco, just like his did not matter to me. We still had to face those pasts, still had so much to work through, but it seemed much less daunting knowing that through it all, he would be with me.
He would be with me through the pain, the healing, the nightmares that were sure to come, and I would be there with him through the change and growth and forgiveness, because that is what we did for each other. Draco had said it wouldn’t be easy, and I knew that. I didn’t care, though, not a single bit. I would defend Draco until my very last breath against anyone that chose to hurt or antagonize him. I always wanted to hold him close, and I would do anything to make that happen.
There was not a single thing I wouldn’t do for Draco. I would move the stars in the sky, change the seasons, if it meant helping him. Few people are lucky enough to meet their soulmate in their life, and I, for some reason, was one of those fortunate few. There was no doubt in my mind that on every level, Draco and I were meant for each other. Not from the start, no, but as the people were now, as the people we were becoming, we were made for one another.
Draco and I weren’t perfect, and we would likely always argue and be at each other’s throats at least periodically, but I knew that whatever anger burned in his eyes, his feelings for me were stronger and brighter. I wasn’t sure what the future looked like; I didn’t even know what tomorrow was going to hold, but I did know one thing.
I chose Draco. And he was always going to choose me.